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The Joke Thread

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A foreign person comes to America and doesn't know english.

He walks near a Military camp and hears, "YES SIR! YES SIR!" and the phrase gets stuck in his head.

Next, he walks near a silverware department and hears: "Forks and knives, Forks and knives. So this gets stuck in his head. "Yes Sir, Yes Sir! Forks and Knives, Forks and knives!"

Finally, he walks near the Chocolate Factory and hears, "Goody Goody Gumdrops, Goody Goody Gumdrops. So he says: "Yes Sir! Yes Sir! Forks and Knives Forks and Knives. Goody Goody Gumdrops, Goody goody Gumdrops!

So next, policemen come over to him and say,"Hey! Did you kill someone?"

Foreign person says, "Yes Sir! Yes Sir!

Police ask him, "what did you kill him with?"

He says, "Forks and Knives, Forks and Knives."

The police handcuff him and say,"You are going to jail for the rest of your life!"

He says, "Goody Goody Gumdrops, Goody Goody Gumdrops.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A bad guy drops a rock out of the window of a plane.

A kid is crying as the police pull up.

The police say,"Why are you crying?"

The kid says, "A rock hit my head!" The police drive away.

Next the bad guy drops an apple out

A kid is crying as the police pull up.

They say, " Why are you crying?"

He says, "An apple hit my head," so they drive away.

Next, this bad guy drops a bomb out.

A kid is laughing as the police pull up.

"Why are you laughing?" say the police.

"My dad farted and my house blew up!" he said.

YEA YOU PROLLY HEARD THIS ALL B4.
 
Wow.I've been gone for awhile:

Things Only Women Understand

9. Cats' facial expressions

8. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

7. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

And the number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?:
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?:
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?:
Because those men already have boyfriends
 
Heres a"yo mama"joke.Yo mamas so fat,when se fell out of bed and tried to get up,she rocked herself to sleep.
 
I cant think of any good long jokes at the minute, so here's 2 short ones:

What do you call a fish without an eye?
Fsh.

Whats invisible and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.

and one average one:

a new kid had moved into the school. the teacher said, "where does your mother come from?"

Kid: "Alaska."

Teacher: dont worry, i'll ask her myself.
 
That first one was from Club Penguin.

Yo mama is so fat she was taken to the museum and labeled as the "Revolving Planet."

Yo mama is so fat when she goes outside, everyone says, "I thought the Titanic sunk!"
 
This ones a little gross, but its still a joke:

A man has lost his children and is going around the neighborhood to find. He calls out heir names
"Maru-Dashi! Moro-Dashi"
A police man stops him and says,
"If you're saying that, you must know about that illegal strip club! So what do you know?"
The man replies saying,
"No, those are the names of my children."
The police man replies, shocked,
"Your children are part of the strip club?!"
The man,
"No. That's their actual names!"
Still shocked, the police man asks,
'How old are they?"
Still confused, the man tells him,
"They're both 10."
The police man suddenly grabs him by both wrists and hand-cuffed him.
'Why do you let your children do that?" the police man asks. "You are arrested for 5 years until you get the concept of how stupid you are to let your own children do that!"

----------------------

You probably don't get it since you have to know what Maru-Dashi and Moro-Dashi mean. If you don't get it, tell me.
 
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A guy who hasn't learn his English well wanted to join the military. To do so, he just need to answer the General's three simple questions: How old are you, how long have you served, and do you want your pay or your food. And because the questions are always asked at that order, his friends decided to teach him the answers instead of the meaning of the questions.

The General, for once, asked the questions in a different order. "How long have you served?"
"28 years, sir."

The General was amazed. He went on tho the next question: "How old are you?"
"3 months, sir!"

The angry General now thinks this is a joke. "Either me or you is mad!"
"Both, sir!"
 
I got 2 good mama jokes:

Yo Mama so Short that she could do Back flips under the bed!

Yo Mama so Stupid that she put up a piece of paper on the TV and said "Look I'm watching Pay-Per-View"!!
 
A wife and husband, the wife being blond, get into there cars to go to work. They each go a diffrent way. So anyway, the husband hears on the radio, "Be careful on interstate 20 since there is a car that is driving the wrong way."
The husband realizes thats the road that his wife takes. He calls her up and says, 'Honey be careful! There is a car going the wrong way!"
And the woman replies, "ONE?! There are thousands of them!!"
-----------

Pretty weak.
 
A blond, brunette(how do you spell it?), and a red-head are stranded on an Island 100 miles away from home.

The brunette swims 3 miles and gets hungry, and swims back.

The Red-head swims 56 miles and drowns.

The blond swims 99 miles but her head started to hurt, so she swam back...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spoiler:
 
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Go
Go who?
Go away

Wow, that was terrible...
 
Okay i have one,

This guy was sitting on his couch and he heard the doorbell ring so he went to answer it and there was no one there so he looked down and saw a snail and he angrily threw it across his yard. Then 10 years later there was another ring and no one was there so he looked down and saw the same snail and the snail said : What The Heck Was That For.
 
5 Things that show you're going crazy:

1. You watch the washing machine wash clothes
2. When you're alone, you sing "I'm the Map" from Dora the Explorer
3. You understand what rats are telling you
4. You can only read upside down
5. You make a list of things you do that make you seem crazy

****************************************************************

That's probably the worst joke ever...
 
Yo Mama is like those Geico commercials, even a Caveman can do it......

^Got that from some Show, that joke cracks me ups^
 
Knock knock!
Come in.

And

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
 
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