[Pokémon] The Kanto Negligence

[jolty94]

The World of Pokémon, full of suprises, mysterys and adventures! People travel alongside Pokémon, battling and making they're way to another unexpected destination ahead of them. However, the destination for one particular Trainer named Jolty, starting his Pokémon journey today, seems to have... dissapeared?

"Mom! Where is my bike key!?" shouted Jolty with anger from upstairs.

"Honey, I told you, I don't know, and by the way things are going right now I don't think your even ready to start travelling by yourself!" shouted Jolty's Mom from downstairs with her soothing yet anxious voice.

"Not... not ready?" said Jolty as he began walking down the stairs with uncertainty and shock. "Do you know how long I've waited for this day to come, and besides, as soon as I get to Viridian City I'm meeting with Alex!" said Jolty with confidence as he got to bottom stair.

"Well if your travelling with Alex I guess I have nothing else to say... He is a responsible child... Unlike someone I know..." said Jolty's Mom in thought.

"Found it!" shouted Jolty with excitement. "And if that someone you know just so happens to be me, I'll prove you wrong when I get to the Pokémon League!" exclaimed Jolty with modesty and confidence.

"I'm sure of it Jolty! Anyway, you have nothing to worry about! Now, you should get going, Professor Oak should be waiting! Good luck sweetie!!!!" said Jolty's Mom in a happy tone as she then hugged him awkwardly.

"Uhhh... Thanks Mom" smiled Jolty as he opened the door and walked out.

After stepping outside, Jolty began unlocking his bike, got on it and rode off down the path towards Professor Oak's Lab, and after a few moments went by...

"Well... This is it... Oak's lab..." thought Jolty to himself as he got off his bike and layed it on the ground.

"Hey loser! Your not seriously going to pick one of the Kanto starters as your first Pokémon are you?" said a mysterious figure that arose from behind Jolty, who was wearing a black coat and a red T-shirt on the inside with a flame in the middle.

"Hey! One thing, I'm not a loser, I'm a winer! And what's wrong with picking Bulbasaur, Charmander or Squirtle as my starter Pokémon huh!?" said Jolty with anger as he moved closer to the boy.

"Nothing, nothing. I just think it's pretty cliché that's all. I mean, almost every Trainer coming out of Pallet Town chooses one of those Pokémon, I just think it would be a good idea that you got a Pokémon from someone you know!" said the character as he began flicking his hair to the side.

"Yeah, well, most of those Trainers weren't as confident as I am! I'm ready and I'm rearing to go!" said Jolty with a confident tone in his voice, clenching his fists.

"Hey kid, do whatever you want, I'm just giving you some pointers" said the boy as he slowly walked backwards away from Jolty.

"Yeah, well thanks for the advice but I don't need it!" shouted Jolty as he ran into the lab.

"Ahhh Jolty!" said Professor Oak with happiness.

"Hey professor, am I late? I got caught with this mean kid outside..." said Jolty in thought.

"No actually your just on time! Now, have you decided which Pokémon you want to go with?" said Oak with a cheerfull smile on his face.

"Well... I thought about it a lot, even though some people have tried to put me down..." said Jolty as his last words became a murmur. "But forget that, this is my journey! And I'm confident and ready enough to know that I want to pick... Bulbasaur!" said Jolty as he rose his fist towards Oak in a gentle way.

"Ahhh Bulbasaur, well, a wise choice you made there Jolty considering Bulbasaur's a great Pokémon for beginning trainers!!" smiled Professor Oak as he handed the PokéBall over to Jolty.

"Professor, thank you, I'm finally ready!" said Jolty as he jumped in the air with happiness.

"I wish you the best of luck Jolty, ahh but before you go..." said Professor Oak as he walked over to his desk.

"Take this!" said the Professor as he put the red machine in Jolty's hand.

"Uhhh..." wondered Jolty with a confused look on his face.

"It's a PokéDex!" said the Professor as he began giggling.

"Ahhh thank you!?" said Jolty with a sarcastic smile.

"Uhh, you young trainers... Basically, it's a device that stores Data on all the Pokémon you've seen!" said Professor Oak.

"Ohh!! Right, thank you Professor. Well, I better get going to Viridian now!" said Jolty as he began to turn towards the exit of the Lab.

"Okay Jolty, and good luck, call me from the phone at the Viridian City Pokémon Center once you arrive there okay!" said Oak as Jolty was just about to walk out of the door.

"Sure thing Professor!" shouted Jolty as he suddenly ran out of the Lab.

As Jolty ran out of the Lab, he started to slow down walking towards the Route ahead, looking down at his Pokémon.

"Bulbasaur, come on out!" shouted Jolty as he threw his PokéBall in the air.

"Bulba!!" shouted Bulbasaur with a happy look on it's face as it was released.

"Nice to meet you Bulbasaur! I'm Jolty, your trainer!" said Jolty with a happy look on his face as he put his hand out to Bulbasaur.

"Bulba!!!!!!" shouted Bulbasaur as it shook Jolty's hand and lit up with excitement.

"Well Bulbasaur... Viridian City is just up this Route here so let's keep going!" said Jolty as began walking.

"Hey kid..." said a voice from the distance.

"What was that?" said Jolty as he turned around and noticed the boy from the Lab standing against a tree.

"The name's Damien by the way, I saw you before outside Oak's lab, maybe if you weren't too busy being stubborn you would have been nice enough to ask for my name..." said Damien strongly as he then looked away.

"Stubborn? Well, your the one who was questioning me for picking my Starter Pokémon! And calling me a loser!" shouted Jolty at Damien as he moved forward and clenched his fist.

"BULBA!" shouted Bulbasaur as it got into a battling pose.

"Well, it looks like your little friend here wants to Battle, why not kid? It would be your first loss right!?" said Damien with confidence as he got up from the tree raiding his Pokéball into the air.

"Haha, my first loss? I highly doubt that Damien. Just because I've just started my journey, don't think I wont beat you!" giggled Jolty as he began clenching his fist tighter.

"BULBA!!!" shouted Bulbasaur with pure confidence as it put its right leg forward.

"Ok then kid, let's see. Onix, let's go!" shouted Damien as he threw his PokéBall in the air, jumping forward from the tree.

"Wow... That is one big Pokémon... But we wont let that stand in our way right Bulbasaur!?" said Jolty as he looked towards Bulbasaur smiling.

"Bulba, Bulbasaurrr!" shouted Bulbasaur with a grin on it's face.

"I got Onix from my Dad a couple of days ago! It's a lot better than those useless Kanto starters!" shouted Damien as he began laughing.

"BULBA!!!!!" shouted Bulbasaur angrily.

"Good for you! It's not getting in my way, Bulbasaur, use Vine Whip!" shouted Jolty looking at Bulbasaur with an intense stance.

"Bulba, Bulbasaur!" shouted Bulbasaur as it pounced off the ground and began flinging out it's vines ready to hit Onix.

"Onix, dodge it and use Bind!" shouted Damien as he moved forward.

Onix catches Bulbasaur in a deep Bind with it's tail, pulling it tighter and tighter.

"Bulbasaur!!" shouted Jolty as he became struck.

"Bul...Bulbasaur..." screamed Bulbasaur with a hurt look on it's face.

"Bulbasaur, no worries buddy! Razor Leaf!" shouted Jolty as he grinned.

"Bulbaaaaa!!!" shouted Bulbasaur as it hit Onix directly in the face and was freed from the Bind attack.

"What!?" shouted Damien with a confused look on his face.

"Bulbasaur, let's finish it up then! Use Razor Leaf one more time!" shouted Jolty as he smiled and moved forward.

"Bulba... SAUR!!!" shouted Bulbasaur as it pounced up and let loose the leaves from it's bulb aiming them directly at Onix.

"Onix!!" shouted Damien as Onix plumeted to the ground with a mighty roar as the dust from the ground rose up.

"Not so much a loser am I damien?" said Jolty as he smiled at Bulbasaur.

"Bulba!" smiled Bulbasaur happily.

"Haha, you think so much of yourself don't you kid, well, this isn't the last you've seen or heard of me! Just watch your back! Onix return!" shouted Damien as he ran off clenching his Pokéball in his hand.

"Wow... He's a bit aggressive isn't he Bulbasaur?" said Jolty as he looked towards Bulbasaur in confusion.

"Bulbaa-ah-ah!!" laughed Bulbsaur.

So, the journey began for Jolty and Bulbasaur! Defeating Damien like that was a devastating blow for him! Will we be seeing Damien again soon? And when will Jolty and Bulbasaur finally arrive in Viridian City? Who knows? Keep reading to find out!!!

 

[Meta-Morph]

Okay, I think you should put more spaces, reading online is harder than reading a book.

Next, are you posting each chapter as a separate thread?

 

[jolty94]

You mean more like kinda Paragraphs? And I don't know, what do you think I should do? :/

 

[Meta-Morph]

This is your Fan-Fiction, don't ask me for help.

I mean put in more lines, here's an example:

"Hi." Tom said.

"Sup?" Sawyer said.

After they greeted each other, they both went to school.

Kinda like that, okay? Then I'll review it.

 

[jolty94]

Okay, thanks man, I'll start doing that xD

 

[Meta-Morph]

Alright, make an extra line between each written line, like this:

Hi.
< SPACE HERE <
Goodbye.

 

[jolty94]

Haha okay, and thanks for your help xD

 

[Daftendirekt]

I like the story line; it's good, but not very orginal. I mean, i know you can't get very original in a Trainer's Journey Story, but perhaps add in some unexpected twists and turns.

Also, i think your vocabulary and descriptions are a bit too straight to the point. Try not to use the same words, pause and think for a moment, or get a thesarus if you think you need one. Aswell as this, longer descriptions with some body will benefit greatly. Instead of 'Onyx fell down and he was dead.' Try,'Onyx crashed to the ground with a mighty thud; my heart skipped a beat in triumph. The creature's eyes closed slowly, confirming it's conscience had slipt away.'

...Just something like that.
Apart from this, your doing pretty good. Don't give up though! Keep trying and developing your ideas for the story :D

 

[jolty94]

Thank you! Wow, yeah I've realised. I was wondering to myself before if I was using the same words from time to time, now I get it xD Thanks, I'll start work on it soon!

 

[icomeanon6]

It seems that you're following the original trainer formula pretty closely. There's nothing wrong with writing an original trainer story, but you want to be sure that you have something that sets yours apart from the vast ocean of redundant OT fics out there. Before you continue, make sure you have a clear idea of how you can make yours unique. What you have now isn't the worst I've read by a long shot, but it's not showing a lot of originality so far.

You should also develop Jolty and Damien further. It's easy to fall into the trap of having a generic Red/Blue, Ash/Gary kind of situation. Give them characteristics that distinguish them from ordinary OTs and Rivals. Basically, what you have now doesn't stand out from the crowd very well. Also, your story is pretty light on narration. It's mostly dialogue, and more narration might help to flesh things out.

As far as writing mechanics go, there are quite a few spelling errors that you should have been able to catch with a spell checker. If you're not using a word processor such as Microsoft Word, OpenOffice, or some other one that has a spell checker, I'd start. Most fanfiction writers copy/paste their stories from a word processor into the reply box. You also have some frequent mistakes that you can't catch with a spell checker, especially mistaking "they're" for "their," "you're" for "your," "it's" for "its" and so on. If you're making a contraction, as in "you are," you use "you're." If you're showing possession, as in "your bike," you use "your." So here where you wrote,

And so, as Jolty and Bulbasaur fought to victory in they're first battle ever

You're actually saying "Jolty and Bulbasaur fought to victory in they are first battle ever." You should have used "their" there.

There are also plenty of run-on, incomplete, or otherwise broken sentences. If grammar is something you really have trouble with, I'd consider finding a beta reader who specializes in that area.

Before you continue writing, I'd suggest revising your current section further. I think you could still make this a memorable story, but you have some work to do first. One more thing: I notice that your thread title says "Chapter 1." On this forum you're supposed to post further chapters as replies in the same thread. You should have the thread's title changed to be the title of your whole story. The local mod, Astinus, can do that for you. Just shoot her a message.

Best of luck. I look forward to seeing what you do with this story.

 

[jolty94]

Well, I've got a lot of work to do! Thank you for reviewing it! It's helped me realise what I'm doing incorrectly, I'll start work on it as soon as I get time! :)

 

[jolty94]

It's been edited guys, let me know what you think!