The New Age

[Cookie-powa]

Not done a Pokemon story for ages, so bare with me if its bad. This is off the top of my head, so.. well just read and see what you think. :)

PG-13 (Minor swearing)

Introduction


A man on a mission

The plane, didn't look much different to your average plane. It was white, just plain white, not too fancy, small. No one would suspect or give much notice, and the people inside that plane didn't want anyone to. Luke sat in his chair, he had the simplest of clothes on to avoid suspicion. A black t-shirt with a small Poke-Clothing logo at the bottom, and some fairly worn jeans. In his pockets were two pokeballs. No one knew why he carried them, as no one had ever seen him use them, and most people with Pokemon.. didn't use them.

It was the new age of Pokemon. No one had ever thought it, but Pokemon were becoming.. exstinct. Say that twenty years ago, and someone would have laughed in your face, and walk off. However, it is happening, and its a serious problem. The world is facing a crisis, and problems are multiplyng everyday.

So, how are they becoming exstinct? It's the snatchers. A large foundation of secretive spies, crooks, robbers, outlaws, but not the usual. These guys 'n gals knew what they were doing, they were the best of their kind, all put together as one force, they snatched pokemon.

Not rare enough? They'd kill them, or shoot them into space in tiny rockets. They had a passion for cruelty, where some people would cry at seeing it happen, they laughed, their eyes lighting up.

However, if they were rare, or strong, than they'd keep them. No one would ever see them again.. nobody knew what they were doing with them, but everyone knew it was sinister. And nobody can stop them. Nobody can find their locations, and when they come to battles, with Pokemon or without, the snatchers would wipe them out cleanly.

The fate of all Pokemon is down to one young man. Only twenty years of age, an outsider wouldn't think much of him. But his employers and anyone who knew him very closely, they all knew he was the most dangerous enemy to the snatchers, and the pokemons only decent hope.

The plane, swooped lower, Luke looked out of the diminutive circular window, his destination.

"You ready, sir?" came a firm voice. Luke stood up, and turned to face the man. He was tall, thin, and looked mighty adamant. He held his hand to his forehead as a salute, he was dressed in smart uncreased green, with many badges on his uniform.

"Yes, General" replied Luke quietley.
"Good luck!" he said roughly. "We are counting on you" he nodded, and swung the door open. The cold air rushed onto Luke's face, and he jumped.

 

[Blue Screen of Death]

It was so-so. The idea deserves some merit, but it wasn't long enough to give it much else. You managed to describe the people nicely, but not much else. You left out any back story to the beginning of the snatchers, you only told us that they where capturing pokemon and eliminating the weak ones. Overall you could have added some more description and history to the characters, but that can be fixed, and you need to make it longer.

Not done a Pokemon story for ages, so bare with me if its bad.

This is no excuse, if you haven't written in a while that does not mean you won't be able to write as well any more.

 

[Crimson Arcanine]

Found it difficult to read due to the many spelling errors.

 

[Cookie-powa]

It was so-so. The idea deserves some merit, but it wasn't long enough to give it much else. You managed to describe the people nicely, but not much else. You left out any back story to the beginning of the snatchers, you only told us that they where capturing pokemon and eliminating the weak ones. Overall you could have added some more description and history to the characters, but that can be fixed, and you need to make it longer.


This is no excuse, if you haven't written in a while that does not mean you won't be able to write as well any more.

I appreciate the constructive critisism. :) But I don't agree with the part you quoted. What excuse? All I'm saying is not written one for a while, it didn't mean much. I know its not that long, I should have put Intro instead of Chapter 1. -.- I aim to improve for next chapters.

Oh also you say theres not much back story, but thats all planned for later on. :)

 

[Clark]

Meh. I may read. I don't mind the length, but you should check spelling; like Riolu said, it's a bit aggravating at parts. Not to mention, you shouldn't format your text (ie. bolding, italics, et cetera); it makes it a bit harder to read and I believe it is against the Rules <oh noes!>. I'm not going to go much into the "plot-hole" type details, as this is only an intro and you'll likely fill us in later.

However, this does seem a bit... well, unbelievable. So a group (much like Team Rocket/Magma/Aqua/Galactic) is simply killing "weak" Pokemon, and because of that all Pokemon as a whole are going completely extinct? How does that work out, exactly? I mean, it seems pretty impossible to start eradicating all the millions Pokemon, wild and trained, to the point of endangerment with just a "team". Seems like the only things that may be able to do that would be like a meteor, a climate change, pollution and habitat-destruction, some deadly and highly-contageous disease, or something else incredibly major and not-directly-linked to humans. People killing Pokemon seems like it would be able to kill off a species or two, but complete extinction of all Pokemon...?

Maybe you have an explanation for that, as well. Just pointing out that for now it doesn't look all that reasonable. Other than that, not too bad for an intro! All the same, this looks interesting. Maybe I'll keep reading... :D

PS: SupahFunk, I really don't think Cookie-powa was trying to make some sort of excuse for bad quality there...

 

[Astinus]

Not done a Pokemon story for ages, so bare with me if its bad. This is off the top of my head, so.. well just read and see what you think. :)

I really hope "done off the top of my head" doesn't mean that you posted it without reading the chapter over! That would not be good.

The plane, didn't look much different to your average plane.

You don't need a comma after the first "plane".

It was white, just plain white, not too fancy, small.

Holy mangled sentence! Reword it a bit: "It was painted a plain white. The inside wasn't too fancy, and everything was small."

No one would suspect or give much notice,

To what? The inside of the plane?

Luke sat in his chair, he had the simplest of clothes on to avoid suspicion.

Let this start a new paragraph.

And reword the sentence: "Luke sat in his chair, wearing the simplest clothes to avoid suspicion."

In his pockets were two pokeballs. No one knew why he carried them, as no one had ever seen him use them, and most people with Pokemon.. didn't use them.

So how could people wonder why he carried them if they never saw the Pokeballs?

It was the new age of Pokemon. No one had ever thought it, but Pokemon were becoming.. exstinct.

"extinct" And perhaps take out the two full stops. (And it's three full stops to make an ellipses [...].)

Say that twenty years ago, and someone would have laughed in your face, and walk off. However, it is happening, and its a serious problem. The world is facing a crisis, and problems are multiplyng everyday.

Don't change tenses in the middle of narration. Stick with one or the other.

Also, don't break the fourth wall by dragging the reader into the story as a person. So take out the "your face" part.

Below is how the paragraph would look if changed, with spelling errors fixed.

If one had said that twenty years ago, they would have been laughed at and ignored. It was happening, however, and it was a serious problem. The world was facing a crisis, and problems were multiplying every day.

So, how are they becoming exstinct? It's the snatchers. A large foundation of secretive spies, crooks, robbers, outlaws, but not the usual. These guys 'n gals knew what they were doing, they were the best of their kind, all put together as one force, they snatched pokemon.

o-O What?

First, you broke the fourth wall again. You want to tell a story without jarring the reader, without making them remember that they are reading a story. No one in the story is asking how the Pokemon became extinct, so there's no need for the first sentence of the paragraph. Next, don't use informal writing in your narration: "guys 'n gals".

And again, you have awkward sentences. Instead have: "A large organization of unusual spies, crooks, robbers, and outlaws known as the Snatchers. They knew how to handle their job, being the best of the best, and what they did was snatch Pokemon."

Not rare enough? They'd kill them, or shoot them into space in tiny rockets. They had a passion for cruelty, where some people would cry at seeing it happen, they laughed, their eyes lighting up.

And no one tried to fight back?

Other awkward sentence: "They had a passion for cruelty. If people cried at the Pokemon's plight, the Snatchers laughed, their eyes lit in amusement."

No one would ever see them again.. nobody knew what they were doing with them, but everyone knew it was sinister.

Pronouns ahoy! Use the names of things to avoid some confusion. Like: Nobody knew what the Snatchers were doing to them."

And nobody can stop them. Nobody can find their locations, and when they come to battles, with Pokemon or without, the snatchers would wipe them out cleanly.

So they have super-powered special awesome weapons that can kill Pokemon and humans?

The fate of all Pokemon is down to one young man.

Of course. I really hope you have a good explanation as to why this young man was chosen.

Only twenty years of age, an outsider wouldn't think much of him. But his employers and anyone who knew him very closely, they all knew he was the most dangerous enemy to the snatchers, and the pokemons only decent hope.

The plural of Pokemon is Pokemon.

I'm wondering what this dangerous weapon is. Really.

The plane, swooped lower, Luke looked out of the diminutive circular window, his destination.

Awkward sentence. "The plane swooped lower. Luke looked out of the diminutive circular window at his destination."

I'm going to tell you to look up a guide for commas because you're sticking them in places that don't need them.

He held his hand to his forehead as a salute, he was dressed in smart uncreased green, with many badges on his uniform.

Replace the comma after "salute" with a full stop, and make the second part its own sentence.

"Yes, General," replied Luke quietly.

Mistake fixed in bold, and added the needed punctuation in red.

"We are counting on you."

He nodded, and swung the door open.

The cold air rushed onto Luke's face, and he jumped.

Here's hoping he remembered a parachute.

Like Piez said, this needs more to it. It's hard to grasp the idea of an evil team killing all the Pokemon enough to nearly make them extinct.

Don't format your font, since it is against the rules to do that for an entire chapter. Run your chapter through a spell-checker, since you had a couple of easy-to-fix errors, and read it over before posting. Also, brush up on grammar, since a lot of your sentences were awkwardly worded, too wordy, and commas were running around when they shouldn't be.

I'm interested to see how this all turns out, and how Luke can save the Pokemon and stop the Snatchers.

 

[Cookie-powa]

All I can say to Piez and Astinus, is thanks! You've really helped. I do know about commas. I think I rushed this one a little bit and I was flying them everywhere.

I see some are confused by the plot. Did you know I get this everytime I write a story with the intro? Yeah, I think I make them seem a little off the rails when they're not... silly me.

I'm running it through a word document this time (Microsoft Word), so my errors should be pretty cleaned up for the next chapter. Sorry about the font thing!!

As for the snatchers:
Did I say team at one point? If I did again that's one of my long list of large errors, they are an extremeley large organsitation, and exactly how large Luke will learn in later chapters.

And for the Pokemon dying out:
Well, this has been happening for quite a while, roughly 5-10 years. Some species of Pokemon are believed to have been wiped out but they might be in hiding.

Thanks for taking interest and fixing my points everyone! I'm about halfway through the next chapter and I'm trying to improve it as best I can. I hope I don't disappoint. :D

 

[Cookie-powa]

Chapter 1​

The mission itself​

Luke came soaring down through the sky with immense speed. The average person would be screaming his or her head off, be shocked or excited, but he showed no emotion, not one little bit. Not that anyone could see the expressions upon his face. His brain was working fast; he was noting all of the area around him.


The sky was dark, and grey which was a good thing. In a bright open sky he could be noticed as people may admire the sky, nobody seemed to be around, human or Pokemon. Pokemon were not as seen much either this day, not even the bird types. He had let his mind slip, and he snapped himself back to the reality that he was in a sky dive and this was dangerous.

The area around him was quite sparse. Looking afar, tall green hills surrounded the area from all directions, looking below was a small lake, but it didn't look too healthy with its murky water and dying flowers around its perimeter. There were a few cottages built into a hillside, but they were too far away to be a problem regarding any people spotting him.

He was now certain it was safe for him to release his Pokemon. He put his hand into his pokeball, with some amount of struggle due to the harsh wind against his body. He had to manually open it, a new way to summon Pokemon with his special prototype pokeball, made for him and others like him. Nobody knew much about him. Like who he worked for, what he did, he was a mystery to most, apart from the other men in "the firm", and that was very few, just the trusted and important.

The pokeball was not the traditional colours (red and white); his was a shiny onyx sort of shade, with a white rim around the centre, and a small red dot in the middle. He began quickly turning the white rim round clockwise, like he was winding a toy up, and let go. The form of the Pokemon appeared in a bright light that made him squint. Not that he wasn't already due to the wind. Then he noticed his problem, he was getting extremely close to the ground, he didn't have much time.

The excessive white light faded and the form appeared. It's dark blue form swept under him in a sudden dash and he felt his body land on it roughly, he turned and put his other leg over. He was now relaxed, riding carefully on the back of his Pokemon.
"Well done, Swellow" he sighed with such relief. It was one of his two Pokemon. He had known this one since he was fourteen years of age, it swooped down and saved him seconds before... no, and he shut it out of his mind.

"I don't want to think about that" he spat as himself. Luke found it best not to dwell on the past. Swellow began to fly lower, towards a grassy plain. He stroked her dark blue hair gently. She was a gallant bird, which he adored even though he didn't get many chances to be with her, thanks to the Snatchers. She was a large, dominant bird. She was quite overwhelming to some. Her dark blue feathers were perfect, like someone had made sure they'd been kept so clean and firm all this time. Her beak was large too, fine and a bright yellow. She was one of the few prides of Luke's life.

As he was thinking of how much he adored his Pokemon, he felt the wind calm down on his face, Swellow's wings coming to a stop and she had landed him in the tall grass. He gave her a great smile, a small pat on her forehead and he opened the Pokeball, and she disappeared into that light once again, back in that small Pokeball. It was something remarkable. However, it was time to focus on the mission at hand right now.

The tall grass swayed well over Luke's head. It was drenched from last night's torrential rain. It had probably been never treated due to the fact it obviously hadn't been cut in months. This was a good place to hide and think about what he was going to do next.

He made a small padding of grass, drying it and laying it down neatly and gently. He sat down on it carefully. He kept thinking of what the General had said to him, before he boarded the plane.

"Your mission is simple, and I'm sure you'll complete it. You've never failed with any tasks I've given you before. When you jump, at the correct time you should summon Swellow to help you land, no parachutes. The wind isn't good for that, and you may be spotted. Find a good piece of cover, and make your way to Douglas. Douglas will fill you in further and give you everything you need."

Luke nodded to himself. He knew what to do, he just felt nervous. Not often was he nervous, it was just another simple mission, he'd done many missions, far more tasking than this. However the importance of his mission was far beyond anything he'd done. He had to remain calm. Getting nervous could mean he could lose track and fail the mission, he had to be confident. He stood up, the grass brushing a few inches above his own head. It swayed in the breeze gently, tickling his head.


"Let's see what this Douglas is all about then" he whispered to himself. He made his way through the tall grass, brushing it out of his face, but keeping awfully quiet. Wild Pokemon could be hiding here, he could scare them, or if he was thought of a threat they could attack him. He didn't want to scare or fight any Pokemon, they didn't need that.

He soon found his way out of the grass, and ahead was a small wood. He could either go around it, or go in through it. Going through it mean he could bump into a local, this would not be good. He decided to walk around it.
He made sure he was just as quiet as before, always checking the ground for anything of trouble, maybe traps. There wasn't much chance of traps... but Luke always told himself its good to be paranoid.

He stopped after roughly ten minutes of walking. His area was in sight. Through the slight white mist he could see the outline of a wooden cabin, on the other side of a river. This was another problem he would have to face. It was far too cold to cross it, even if it wasn't that wide. However, he couldn't quite jump either. Finding a way around it would take too long, he had to find a way to cross it, and he didn't want to use Swellow for a minor problem like this.

He noticed a large fallen tree nearby. The tree would be a good way to cross, but it was large, and would it support his weight?
He began inspecting it, and he found the thickest part. Of course the trunk, he couldn't move the whole tree, but if he could split the trunk from the rest of the tree he could pick it up. It was slightly damp, it wasn't ideal but it's the best he could find.
He then began with a series of many futile attempts to move the tree. He tried kicking it, pulling it, he tried using a large rock to try and cut it off. None of these worked. He began to become extremely angry with himself. He was already late for Douglas. Then something caught the corner of his eye. It was trying to creep out of the forest, maybe to retrieve something. It was a rare sight; he had been told this was one of the Pokemon that had died out. He saw, a Pinsir. It was fully grown, fairly tall and average weight and width. It seemed scared; it was moving so slowly, like a snail crossing a road.

That Pinsir could help him, but he couldn't alert it. He had to trick it into coming to help him. He grabbed his Pokeball, and began turning the thin white rim the opposite way than he had before. He had locked it, the Pokemon inside couldn't escape. Now, he was going to throw it up, it would land about twenty or so metres from him, the Pinsir would hopefully take notice, come to investigate and also notice Luke, lying on the floor, in need of help. It was a well thought plan, but would it work?

Slight problem; I tried copying it from word into the reply but it all came in as one, (no spaces or paragraphing) so I just spent a long time editing it to space it out... no idea why that happened.

 

[Cookie-powa]

Chapter 2​

Pinsir​

Luke had the pokeball in his hand. He peered round; the Pinsir seemed to be inspecting something on the ground. Luke whistled loudly, it echoed slightly. The Pinsir stopped dead, and slowly looked towards the tree. It stared hard, and then it heard a thump. It's eyes twitched, and looked harder. A Pokeball was lying on the ground, a small distance from the tree.


The Pinsir stood up to its full height, and looked around. It could have a look. It began scuttling forward, always checking for any snatchers who might be lurking. He came to a stop next to the pokeball. It gave it a small kick. It rolled over.
"Pinsir" the Pokemon mumbled sadly. It was about to turn away when it heard a groan. It turned its head quickly to the source of the sound, and to its astonishment it saw a male human lying on the floor, hurt.


Wow...a human. It doesn't seem to be of the evil sort. Not a snatcher. Everyone has been saying most of them turned evil, against us. It's true, but he's not one. He's innocent, hurt. Should I help him?
The Pinsir couldn't make up its mind. He could be hurt, it could be a trap.
What have I got to live for? I'll be caught one day, with all these snatchers.
The Pinsir moved forward wearily, getting ready to sprint back to the wood. The human seemed innocent, his eyes fluttering. The human's eyes opened slowly.


Ah, he's looking at me!
"Hey there buddy, I'm Luke," he said in a soft voice. "I'm a bit hurt, could you help me?" Luke gave a sweet smile.
Well, he's a good one. I'll help him out. How did he get hurt though?


The Pinsir moved forward with confidence now, and pulled him up with quite a bit of strength until Luke was sitting.
"Thanks," he smiled. "Could you do me another favour?" he asked, with some more sorrow in his voice this time.
I still hope this isn't a trap. However, he seems genuine. I'll give it a go.


"I tried crossing this river, but I fell and hurt myself. I managed to get out but I don't want to go back in the water, could you make the tree into a sort of bridge so I could get across?" Luke clutched his leg, rubbing it as if it was sore.

Can't do much harm, I guess.


Pinsir nodded to Luke. He moved forward, and began pushing the tree. With his upmost strength, he managed to make it move and it rolled slightly into a better position. The Pinsir then began turning it into a horizontal position, took a step back and used all the muscles in its arms to drop one end of the tree onto one side of the river, and then placing the other part of the tree on the other side of the river. It was a perfect bridge.
Luke stood up now.


"Thanks buddy!" he smiled.
I better get out of here. He might try to catch me, he may even be a Pokemon Trainer, and he had a Pokeball.
The Pinsir scuttled off into the distance, into the dark realms of the wood.
Luke sighed with relief.


"Poor thing" he mumbled sadly. "Still, got what I wanted." He put one leg onto the log, it was unsteady and if he stayed on it too long it could collapse under his weight. He watched as the river began to flow more dangerously, falling was not an option. He took a deep breath, and put both legs forward, he slowly made his way, checking his feet were moving in the right places. He wobbled occasionally, and he dared not to breathe. Eventually, he made it across.


He made his way towards the cabin in the distance. He had a better view of it now. It was damp and sodden from the rain. It was small and looked rather uncared for, something nobody would take much interest of. Good he thought.


When he reached it, he studied it and looked for any sign of tampering or traps. When he agreed all was safe, he moved in.
The door creaked open and the first thing he thought about was the horrific smell. Rain was still dripping through the roof, and something smelt like a clump of wet sand, right up one's nose
In the corner, a large figure leant against the wall, his eyes closed and smoking a cigar. His eyes opened gently, they were a deep dark green like the jungle bushes.


"Humph," he mumbled pulling the cigar out of his mouth, then throwing it out of a large crack in a small window. "Late."
Luke ignored his pesky comment and put out a hand.
"I'm Luke, I've heard your Douglas," he said politely.

"I don't believe what I'm seeing" Douglas laughed coldly. "Someone who supposedly can save us all, and the Pokemon, and they sent you." He spat on the floor as if Luke was vermin. Luke studied the man.

He must have been in his twenties. He was very tall, and his head nearly touched the low roof of the damp cabin, his hair getting soaked. He had radiant blonde hair, shortly cut. He wore a large leather jacket that made him look like a biker, with tight blue jeans. His shoes were grubby; they looked like he'd worn them for several years, without a wash.

Eventually, Luke replied:
"I've done more than you'll ever do," he said with spite.
"Oh I agree," Douglas replied, nodding his head slightly. "I just find it hard to believe that someone as young as you, in experienced and immature has done such things. I also find it hard to rely on you that you can do this task, nobody will help you."

"Nothing can be too hard," Luke replied with confidence.
"Hmm, well I'll try and put more of my trust into you then," he said brightening up slightly. "Just don't get cocky. I don't like cocky."

"Anyway, how do you know everything about me so well? Who told you?" Luke questioned him.
"Oh, I'm in the firm," he said rolling his eyes slightly. "I've read your profile," he added.

"That's aload of crap! You and I know it" Luke spat, refusing to believe it. He didn't like too many people knowing about him.

"No, I've read it all. Face it mate. Nearly everyone in the firm knows about you."
"Prove it," he replied bitterly.
"You defeated Cronicus with one Pokemon you didn't know, against all of six of his, at the age of fifteen.
"Everyone knows that!"
"Maybe so, so you have immense skills with Pokemon, but you also managed to escape from the Gaga Gang in a car chase, they were fully armed, shooting from the windows, you'd never drove before as well.

"Ok, ok! I believe you! Enough of this rubbish, tell me the task." There was more to this Douglas than meets than eye...

 

[jirachistar]

Cookie-powa, I really like your story. I can't wait to see what happens in the next chapter.

 

[Cookie-powa]

Hey thanks alot :) I'm working on next chapter.

 

[Crimson Arcanine]

Better. It seems you have at least improved when it comes to spelling. As grammer and pronouciation have never been my strong point, i'll let other folks to fill you in on what you need to improve in that department.

Overall, despite so far coming off as a Pokemon version of Mission Impossible (it seems to me and I didn't really like Mission Impossible much) so far its slightly above mediorce reading.

 

[Cookie-powa]

Mission Impossible? O.o I didn't like that either. Well, you don't know the mission yet, and the way I see it, it's not impossible. ^^

Well it's good to know I'm improving from my last chapters.
Thanks.