[Pokémon] The New World

[VoidPunch]

Okay, I just want to say that more chapters will be in the replies/comments section.

CHAPTER 1: The Taunting

I look out the window, gazing at the stars. Hidden among the stars, is a red one, shining brightly. I knew I would go to it eventually. Hidden, considered a speck to the naked eye, you can see the planet that is our next goal. Mars.

You can hear the stars calling. We must venture out to them, or they will venture to us. It taunts me. I've done it in the video games, I've seen it in the movies. When you try to block it out of your mind, it stares at you, among the stars, with a keen, red face. You hear about it in the news, it is everywhere. I gave up.
I must go to Mars.

What was I doing at an astronaut complex? No idea. I just needed to go to the Red Planet. I craved it.
"Hello there, would you like to sign up?" says a keen, bright receptionist.
Oh gosh...Should I really be doing this? -You should, Josh. You must try.

At first, I stuttered, and then, when I mustered up enough courage, I said the word I dread the most."Yes..."
"Alright! Just enter your name, house address and phone number!" She said, handing me a paper with lots more stuff that she said to sign.

"Oh.. -alright..." I mutter. You see, I'm a really shy person.
After filling in the annoyingly long contract form, I was told to be here next week for the selection process.
What have I got myself into?

CHAPTER 2: I choose you!

"-Bulbasaur!" says a Bulbasaur, leaping around with excitement. Today was the day that a trainer would pick him. "-Bulba!"
The Bulbasaur sat in the Pokeball, in a lab. Waiting... And waiting... Until finally... "I choose this one!". A person had chosen the Bulbasaur! "Hey, wanna have a battle?" says a boy, in absolute joy. "Our first Pokemon!" "-Come on out!" The Bulbasaur stared at the Fletchinder. "Fletch!" The two Pokemon went on to fight.

The two Pokemon started to leap around. "Vine whip!" "Double team!" the fight went on. Finally, the Fletchinder emerged victoriously! "Better luck next time!"

Oh gosh, no! Not this! I sat in the centrifuge. The wheel started to spin, I started to spin. No-no-no-I-dont-like-this-oh-no! The G-FORCES slammed into my back. I thought I was being turned inside out. I nearly blacked out on the centrifuge!
After the very, very scary centrifuge, I was to move on to jetpack training
You can guess, but I nearly crashed into a wall.

But somehow, I was selected. Now all I need to do Is hope to get selected for the Mars Mission!

CHAPTER 3: The time that the world stood still

1 YEAR LATER...

The G-FORCES were intense. The lander was entering Mar's atmosphere! "Re-Entry started!" My body felt like it was being squished. The rocket engines on the bottom of the rocket slammed alive. Creating a controlled explosion that is called 'thrust'. The fire on the bottom of the vehicle ceased.

The vehicle was slowing down.

"Drogue parachutes deployed!" On the sides of the rocket, a small explosive bolt activated, sending some panels of the rocket flying out into the atmosphere. In place of those panels, two small parachutes opened, slowing the vehicle tremendously. "750 mph and counting..." I speak into the microphone. "600 mph..." Okay, I'm slowing down. You're not going to die, Josh. Just...Calm down.

"ENGINE ONE HAS FLAMED OUT! REPEAT, ENGINE ONE HAS FLAMED OUT!" A large "Puff!" was heard. "SHUT DOWN ENGINE TWO!" It was too late.

No-no-no-no-no-no-just-no!

"SPEED INCREASING! ABORT MISSION!" The vehicle turned and tumbled in the air. OH PLEASE NO! I DONT WANT TO DIE! I mashed the 'ABORT' button with all my might, but it did nothing. "Mayday! Mayday!" "500 feet!" "432 feet! "200 feet!" "90 feet!" "20 feet!"
My vision was blurred. It was white. A terrible ringing was heard in my ears.

The world's first manned attempt to get to Mars had failed.
"Sir, contact has been lost with the 'Asparagus'." Ethan, who was head of mission control took off his hat. The world was watching, live.
"It seems as 'Asparagus 1' has crashed into Mars' surface." says the reporter, looking sadly at the big screen that showed "Joshua Ankar: K.I.A" (Killed In Action). "Today is a sad day for the world.".

Next Chapter: The Recovery

 

[VoidPunch]

I hope you guys have enjoyed this so far!

 

[VoidPunch]

CHAPTER 4: THE RECOVERY
My head hurts... A loud howling noise could be heard outside the damaged vehicle Josh was sitting in. Oh no! Not a dust storm!
Josh crawled over debris to the emergency equipment. He grabbed the emergency rations and whatever else he could find and stuffed it into his spacesuit.
He crouch-walked over to the airlock on the vehicle. He kicked it down, as there was no electricity. He did the same for the other airlock.

But what was in front of him was much different from the ordinary red, barren Mars landscape. There was grass, and a blue sky... THATS NOT MARS?!
Wait...Am I...Dead? -Is this heaven?! Josh observed the green grass and beautiful sunset. Josh was about to say something, but he stuttered instead.
He took a dare that he would never forget.

He took off his helmet.

I can breathe...good.
He turned around only to see a wrecked-and-on-fire lander in front of him. He jumped in surprise! He then noticed the pole next to his oxygen tank. The flag! He walked forward a few paces and planted the pole into the ground. He pulled a smaller pole from inside the pole (poleception) and pressed a button on the smaller pole.

The American Flag waved in this new, unknown land. Josh felt like he was on a fantastic journey through the wild, a place where no other living soul had put foot on.

Next Chapter: The Encounter!

 

[VoidPunch]

CHAPTER 5: The Encounter!

The young trainer, Ash, was walking up a path to go to the next gym. But, he noticed something flashing off in the distance. Metal.
"Want to go see it, Pikachu?"
Ash got a "Pika!" in return, and the two started to advance towards the flashing.

Josh, who was still startled about this land, decided he better set up shop. He was most likely going to be here a while!
Might as well make a place to stay...

It was at this moment that Pikachu noticed the figure walking around in a spacesuit. "Chu! Pi pi!" says Pikachu. "What is it, Pikachu?" asks Ash.
Pikachu jumped off Ash's shoulder and started to run towards the figure.

Josh, who was removing a panel on the lander, to reveal an inflatable habitat, noticed the yellow Pikachu running towards him!
He started to walk backwards, towards the direction towards the door to the vehicle. What is that thing!?

Hmm...Is that a... Pikachu?! The Pikachu started to charge electricity going off him. Josh, In a surprise, jumped through the airlock inside the vehicle.

Ash, who just noticed the figure and was running after Pikachu, started to question what it is..."Is it an alien?!" Joshua grabbed a support beam from the vehicle and, prepared to use it as a weapon. He was still skeptical about the Pikachu that looked like it would attack him.

Joshua, who was hiding in a storage container, was terrified. He knew what a Pikachu is, it's a Pokemon. and he did not like the idea of getting shocked by one.
Oh gosh...I hope I don't get shocked... Ash, who had reached Pikachu decided to go in the strange hunk of metal that had appeared.
Okay, I surrender! Josh walked out the vehicle, with his hands up. That Pikachu has a trainer... Josh looks at Ash, who was investigating the American Flag. Pikachu, who had been looking at the airlock, let out a thunderbolt towards Josh.

What will happen to Josh? How will Ash react? Stay tuned for the next chapter!

Next Chapter: Waking up!

 

[Aisu]

I want to start off by saying that you actually have a very good and original idea. An astronaut, presumably from our world, goes on a failed mission that instead lands him in the world of Pokemon. (So that's how you get there! Excuse me while I go become an astronaut.) The story has issues though (but honestly what story doesn't?) that if you fix, the plot could really shine through. (Spelling isn't an issue though, so you can bench spell-check.)

So one of the first things I noticed was that the chapters are very short. There's no required length of a chapter, mind you, but you have to utilize them for character- and world-building. The protagonist Joshua, for instance, has little established traits. You said he was shy (which is a big mistake in showing v. telling) but considering what he was doing, "nervous" would've worked just the same. He's a romantic that dreamed of going to Mars. You could've built him up more by giving more details on his experiences and encounters, which swerves back to the short chapter thing. I can't tell if Ash is the same as he is in the media, but if not, then you have to re-establish his character too.

Another thing I noticed is that you over-simplify, I guess I could say. You made the astronaut process sound pretty damn easy and it's one of the harder jobs in the world. I know that it's a story, and a Pokemon story too, but with the setting you've established you gotta be as accurate for plausibility. So first off, Josh walked into the complex and got the paperwork for the Mars Needs Moms mission. This is a quote from the NASA website about astronaut requirements: "Bachelor's degree from an accredited institution in engineering, biological science, physical science, or mathematics. An advanced degree is desirable. Quality of academic preparation is important." (I use NASA for this whole thing btw.) Not to mention we don't know Josh's age and he sounds eighteen-twenty. The centrifuge part is accurate, but there aren't any jet-packs in traditional astronaut training. It takes two years, not one, to train for a commander or pilot astronaut, which I can safely assume Josh is. A rocket will be piloted by a minimum of four people. And finally, rockets don't use fire, and that's not exactly the definition of "thrust." Thrust is propulsion by heated gas, which is contained in the rocket's engines to be used for all movement. There's no fire because fire needs oxygen, and outer space has no oxygen.

Side note: I checked the "drogue" of drogue parachutes and got "a bucket or canvas bag used as a sea anchor." And I curse the man that named the Mars lander "Asparagus." But I got all that shit out the way so I'll go a little deeper.

Chapters 1, 2, 3

I look out the window, gazing at the stars. Hidden among the stars, is a red one, shining brightly. I knew I would go to it eventually. Hidden, considered a speck to the naked eye, you can see the planet that is our next goal. Mars.

Some days of the year, Mars is pretty bright

You can hear the stars calling. We must venture out to them, or they will venture to us. It taunts me. I've done it in the video games, I've seen it in the movies. When you try to block it out of your mind, it stares at you, among the stars, with a keen, red face. You hear about it in the news, it is everywhere. I gave up.
I must go to Mars.

That's creepy

After the very, very scary centrifuge, I was to move on to jetpack training
You can guess, but I nearly crashed into a wall.

But somehow, I was selected. Now all I need to do Is hope to get selected for the Mars Mission!

This is an instance where the chapter could've been longer with detail. You could've described the trials Josh faced while training to become an astronaut. Also, if he nearly blacked out in the centrifuge and nearly crashed into a wall, why was he selected? Did he show off desirable traits?

The rocket engines on the bottom of the rocket slammed alive.

How does one "slam" alive?

"ENGINE ONE HAS FLAMED OUT! REPEAT, ENGINE ONE HAS FLAMED OUT!" A large "Puff!" was heard. "SHUT DOWN ENGINE TWO!" It was too late.

Wow that escalated quickly

Chapter 4 and 5

But what was in front of him was much different from the ordinary red, barren Mars landscape. There was grass, and a blue sky... THATS NOT MARS?!

Considering this, what was the howling noise he heard? Was it him landing in the Pokemon world?

He took a dare that he would never forget.

He took off his helmet.

I can breathe...good.

If he really does watch movies and play video games and, well, trained professionally, he wouldn't have taken the risk. He was in an unknown environment and it wasn't like he'd seen any humans/beings like him to know that the air was breathable. He had an oxygen tank and it wasn't like his helmet was cracked, he didn't need to take the risk

Josh, who was removing a panel on the lander, to reveal an inflatable habitat, noticed the yellow Pikachu running towards him!
He started to walk backwards, towards the direction towards the door to the vehicle. What is that thing!?
Hmm...Is that a... Pikachu?! The Pikachu started to charge electricity going off him. Josh, In a surprise, jumped through the airlock inside the vehicle.

I don't understand the way he reacted to Pikachu. He was confused by it, then he recognized it? Are their Pokemon on his planet that look different, or maybe they've gone extinct like dinosaurs? Also, here it says he jumped into the airlock, then in the next paragraph he grabbed a support beam, and in the paragraph after that he's hiding in a storage container.

 

[VoidPunch]

I want to start off by saying that you actually have a very good and original idea. An astronaut, presumably from our world, goes on a failed mission that instead lands him in the world of Pokemon. (So that's how you get there! Excuse me while I go become an astronaut.) The story has issues though (but honestly what story doesn't?) that if you fix, the plot could really shine through. (Spelling isn't an issue though, so you can bench spell-check.)

So one of the first things I noticed was that the chapters are very short. There's no required length of a chapter, mind you, but you have to utilize them for character- and world-building. The protagonist Joshua, for instance, has little established traits. You said he was shy (which is a big mistake in showing v. telling) but considering what he was doing, "nervous" would've worked just the same. He's a romantic that dreamed of going to Mars. You could've built him up more by giving more details on his experiences and encounters, which swerves back to the short chapter thing. I can't tell if Ash is the same as he is in the media, but if not, then you have to re-establish his character too.

Another thing I noticed is that you over-simplify, I guess I could say. You made the astronaut process sound pretty damn easy and it's one of the harder jobs in the world. I know that it's a story, and a Pokemon story too, but with the setting you've established you gotta be as accurate for plausibility. So first off, Josh walked into the complex and got the paperwork for the Mars Needs Moms mission. This is a quote from the NASA website about astronaut requirements: "Bachelor's degree from an accredited institution in engineering, biological science, physical science, or mathematics. An advanced degree is desirable. Quality of academic preparation is important." (I use NASA for this whole thing btw.) Not to mention we don't know Josh's age and he sounds eighteen-twenty. The centrifuge part is accurate, but there aren't any jet-packs in traditional astronaut training. It takes two years, not one, to train for a commander or pilot astronaut, which I can safely assume Josh is. A rocket will be piloted by a minimum of four people. And finally, rockets don't use fire, and that's not exactly the definition of "thrust." Thrust is propulsion by heated gas, which is contained in the rocket's engines to be used for all movement. There's no fire because fire needs oxygen, and outer space has no oxygen.

Side note: I checked the "drogue" of drogue parachutes and got "a bucket or canvas bag used as a sea anchor." And I curse the man that named the Mars lander "Asparagus." But I got all that **** out the way so I'll go a little deeper.

Chapters 1, 2, 3

Some days of the year, Mars is pretty bright

That's creepy

This is an instance where the chapter could've been longer with detail. You could've described the trials Josh faced while training to become an astronaut. Also, if he nearly blacked out in the centrifuge and nearly crashed into a wall, why was he selected? Did he show off desirable traits?

How does one "slam" alive?

Wow that escalated quickly

Chapter 4 and 5

Considering this, what was the howling noise he heard? Was it him landing in the Pokemon world?

If he really does watch movies and play video games and, well, trained professionally, he wouldn't have taken the risk. He was in an unknown environment and it wasn't like he'd seen any humans/beings like him to know that the air was breathable. He had an oxygen tank and it wasn't like his helmet was cracked, he didn't need to take the risk

I don't understand the way he reacted to Pikachu. He was confused by it, then he recognized it? Are their Pokemon on his planet that look different, or maybe they've gone extinct like dinosaurs? Also, here it says he jumped into the airlock, then in the next paragraph he grabbed a support beam, and in the paragraph after that he's hiding in a storage container.

Alright, I just would like to clear out that this is my first story I have posted online, so It was bound to have issues. Also, Josh is from the real world, and Pókemon is a household name and there is a big banner of it outside my bedroom window, so that's how he recognised Pikachu. Though everything you said would mean making a remastered version of this, which I would be perfectly capable of doing. Also, Im having Writers Block, so you helping me with the script, ect would really help out!

 

[Vagrant Pixels]

Instead of a new post from scratch, I'll do a comment on Aisu's comments, since he covered most things already.

So one of the first things I noticed was that the chapters are very short. There's no required length of a chapter, mind you, but you have to utilize them for character- and world-building. The protagonist Joshua, for instance, has little established traits. You said he was shy (which is a big mistake in showing v. telling) but considering what he was doing, "nervous" would've worked just the same. He's a romantic that dreamed of going to Mars. You could've built him up more by giving more details on his experiences and encounters, which swerves back to the short chapter thing.

To be honest, and taking into account the length of his 'chapters', which is very unconventional, I actually found his story an enjoyable read. It had issues here and there, but his message delivered well, despite the brevity. I found the character descriptions suitable also. Short, and leaving the rest to the imagination.

Heck, It actually felt pleasant that I found no paragraphs of description in between me and the plot, detailing the complex patterns that Josh's curly, auburn locks of hair would form as they intertwined like autumn leaves, then waving ferociously before a sudden wind, like the a flag in a hurricane, yet sparkling beautifully due to the reflection of the morning sun or some blabbering nonsense.

With chapters this short, even what is considered a decent amount of description will feel unnecessary. Only the more important, and vital things should be allowed. "He was shy." Devoting one sentence per chapter and not more, to build upon description is what I'd suggest. And do it if it's necessary, not just because you 'have' to do it.

I can't tell if Ash is the same as he is in the media, but if not, then you have to re-establish his character too.

This may be just personal preference, but... Seriously, why Ash Ketchum?
It feels like a wasted opportunity to introduce an original character who could flow better with Josh, or have something in common with him. A struggle, a dream. Something to serve as the foundation to an interesting interaction.

Another thing I noticed is that you over-simplify, I guess I could say. You made the astronaut process sound pretty damn easy and it's one of the harder jobs in the world. I know that it's a story, and a Pokemon story too, but with the setting you've established you gotta be as accurate for plausibility. So first off, Josh walked into the complex and got the paperwork for the Mars Needs Moms mission. This is a quote from the NASA website about astronaut requirements: "Bachelor's degree from an accredited institution in engineering, biological science, physical science, or mathematics. An advanced degree is desirable. Quality of academic preparation is important." (I use NASA for this whole thing btw.) Not to mention we don't know Josh's age and he sounds eighteen-twenty. The centrifuge part is accurate, but there aren't any jet-packs in traditional astronaut training. It takes two years, not one, to train for a commander or pilot astronaut, which I can safely assume Josh is. A rocket will be piloted by a minimum of four people. And finally, rockets don't use fire, and that's not exactly the definition of "thrust." Thrust is propulsion by heated gas, which is contained in the rocket's engines to be used for all movement. There's no fire because fire needs oxygen, and outer space has no oxygen.

I'd take his oversimplification as a strength of his.
A style.

Just like in pixel art you have very complex resolutions (Or just straight out digital art), and then you have Game Boy or NES resolutions and limitations.

But regardless of this, it should be right to mention the processes and challenges involved in becoming an astronaut. Seeing how easy it felt for Josh to go to Mars, I originally visualised himself living in the future, where trips to the Red Planet were commonplace. He might have been booking a Mars space-bus ticket, I assumed.

This is an instance where the chapter could've been longer with detail. You could've described the trials Josh faced while training to become an astronaut. Also, if he nearly blacked out in the centrifuge and nearly crashed into a wall, why was he selected? Did he show off desirable traits?

Same as before. Fully agree with this.

If he really does watch movies and play video games and, well, trained professionally, he wouldn't have taken the risk. He was in an unknown environment and it wasn't like he'd seen any humans/beings like him to know that the air was breathable. He had an oxygen tank and it wasn't like his helmet was cracked, he didn't need to take the risk

Maybe...

Actually, you're right. They'd be trained to face the most outlandish unknowns.

I don't understand the way he reacted to Pikachu. He was confused by it, then he recognized it?

Agree. The wording there was confusing. Be specific, and precise. Re-read, and strive for clarity.



In any case, I really didn't expect I would enjoy this as well as I did. Keep it up.

 

[VoidPunch]

Instead of a new post from scratch, I'll do a comment on Aisu's comments, since he covered most things already.



To be honest, and taking into account the length of his 'chapters', which is very unconventional, I actually found his story an enjoyable read. It had issues here and there, but his message delivered well, despite the brevity. I found the character descriptions suitable also. Short, and leaving the rest to the imagination.

Heck, It actually felt pleasant that I found no paragraphs of description in between me and the plot, detailing the complex patterns that Josh's curly, auburn locks of hair would form as they intertwined like autumn leaves, then waving ferociously before a sudden wind, like the a flag in a hurricane, yet sparkling beautifully due to the reflection of the morning sun or some blabbering nonsense.

With chapters this short, even what is considered a decent amount of description will feel unnecessary. Only the more important, and vital things should be allowed. "He was shy." Devoting one sentence per chapter and not more, to build upon description is what I'd suggest. And do it if it's necessary, not just because you 'have' to do it.




This may be just personal preference, but... Seriously, why Ash Ketchum?
It feels like a wasted opportunity to introduce an original character who could flow better with Josh, or have something in common with him. A struggle, a dream. Something to serve as the foundation to an interesting interaction.




I'd take his oversimplification as a strength of his.
A style.

Just like in pixel art you have very complex resolutions (Or just straight out digital art), and then you have Game Boy or NES resolutions and limitations.

But regardless of this, it should be right to mention the processes and challenges involved in becoming an astronaut. Seeing how easy it felt for Josh to go to Mars, I originally visualised himself living in the future, where trips to the Red Planet were commonplace. He might have been booking a Mars space-bus ticket, I assumed.




Same as before. Fully agree with this.




Maybe...

Actually, you're right. They'd be trained to face the most outlandish unknowns.




Agree. The wording there was confusing. Be specific, and precise. Re-read, and strive for clarity.



In any case, I really didn't expect I would enjoy this as well as I did. Keep it up.

Alright, I will keep this in mind.

 

[VoidPunch]

Thanks @Vagrant Pixels & @Aisu for taking the time and effort to give me a better look at this story. ;) I would like to say that I am skeptical about starting a reworked version of this story, giving a better look at who Josh is and other characters. I would also like to say that... Almost 200 views?! ^^ Thanks everyone!