The Reality of Fantasy {PG:+13}

[Eeveemaster9]

The Reality of Fantasy​

Prologue

Over the course of my lifespan, everything had been what it was for millions of children my age; it was normal. We hung out with friends, ate junk food, attended school, and got into trouble.

I have gone by countless names over my years alive, from senseless nicknames to girly phrases. My example is Kevinski. Who in their right mind nicknames a teen Kevinski?! My real first name is Kevin. Kevin Miles. Though, I have reason to believe my best friends have forgotten that long ago. Even my parents don't address me by the name they gave me.

Where do I live? Well, since I'm all paranoid about stalkers...No address. Simply put, I live on a small country in the center of the Pacific Ocean. Not a single plane stops here. Sure, the odd ship stops by to unload food and the like, but that's it. It's rare to have fresh people move in. Who would want to move here? We've hardly caught up with modern technology. No Iphones here. Hell, we're lucky to have a nice, working TV in our shack-of-a-house!

But not everyone here is in poverty. Some people have amazing lives filled with glamour. Three families total, each living in separate mansions. I envy these three mansions... They're huge things! They have servants, flower gardens, and all the food they can eat while we sometimes starve until payday... I wonder what it would look like inside them…How they get so much money...

Its early summer vacation....Now I don't have to hand in homework everyday...I suck at math and science anyhow...Now all I have to be concerned about is getting the new volume of my favourite novel series that's coming out tomorrow. I decided that I would go to bed early and head to the store in the morning. I fell into bed around eight in the evening, sleeping in my clothing so I didn't have to worry about getting dressed in the morning. Smart, eh? Nope.

CHAPTER 1 – Fractal Cage

Was I still dreaming? Or had I gone blind overnight? I was lying on cold metal, instead of my fluffy blankets. My back was stiff from the hard surface against my back for such a long time. I opened my eyes a crack. It felt vacant around me. I wasn't in my room. I opened my eyes a little wider, and looked around. It was darkness that greeted me, instead of the bright morning sun I knew so well. I tuned my ears to listen to things around me. There was nothing but silence. The silence you feel when at a funeral. I choked back a cough.

I felt around with my hand, still laying down on the surface I was on. My fingers crept along like the legs of a spider, and they were sensitive to everything they touched. I was reaching to the left of me, and before my arm could go to full length, the legs of the spider grasped a metal bar going vertical from the metal flooring. I was in a cage. I was trapped.

You know the first thing that came through my thick skull? I wasn't going to be able to get that new book. That new volume was about kidnappings and assassins... (Oh, irony how you've never failed me) ....Horrified by my discovery, I attempted to stand, only to hit my head hard against metal similar to the one beneath me. It was like bricks falling on my head. "Fuuu-Ouch." I groaned, lowering my poor head. I rubbed the bump that was already starting to form, and I looked around as best I could. My only light source was that coming from another room, and it was leaking out from underneath a doorframe several metres away.

I began to spread my pale fingers through my short brown hair in frustration. Damn it all... Where was I? How did I get here? Questions tumbled down on me like an avalanche. What kind of prank was this!? Why me?!

Abruptly I could hear muffled crying, and I stopped my hysteria. It was a girl. She seemed close to me. I swallowed roughly to clear my throat. "Hello?" My voice echoed in the room, and like a spell, the girl stopped her whimpering to reply hesitantly. "H-hello?"

I was almost relieved to hear her reply. Though her voice was unfamiliar, I was glad I wasn't alone in this. "Do you know where we are?" I asked, moving closer to where I thought the voice was coming from. My bright blue eyes scanned for any sign of the girl, but my nose touched another metal bar. The girl was in another cage from my own. It took a moment for her to reply, and I could hear her sniffles and attempts to calm herself. Why was she so terrified?

"They're going to kill us. We're both going to die."

I paused for a few silent moments to digest this information. We were going to die? What the...?

I actually laughed. "Seriously? Man, this prank might just top that one back in elementary school! Alright guys, very funny..." I said to nobody in particular. I was expecting my cage door to swing open. To hear my classmates amused and enjoyable laughter as they poked fun at how scared I had been. She said nothing. I laughed nervously, and more forcefully.

"You ARE joking, aren't you?" I attempted to clarify. The girl was silent, and my heart sank. This was reality; this was the real deal. This wasn't some extreme prank, bullying, or anything. I had actually been kidnapped, and I was actually going to die.

The silence stayed for quite some time. I think I even fell asleep at some point. I dreamt of the possible outcome to this. I dreamt of the different ways I could die. Whenever I had thought of death before this incident, I had pictured myself as an old man. I would be celebrating my hundredth birthday, and after taking a bite of the most delicious cake in the world... I would swallow wrong, choke, and die. However, it seemed as though God had different plans for my fate. Live short, die young, and leave behind a beautiful corpse!

My mind began drifting on about the girl whom had been silent since giving me a reality check. She sounded younger than myself...Thirteen? The more I thought about the situation, the more I pitied the young teenager. She was beyond young to be kidnapped and murdered. If I was her, I would have tried every possible way to escape; last resort being suicide if my kidnappers decided to torture me first. Maybe she did commit suicide during my nap? I didn't know.

I awoke again, this time prepared for the seemingly endless darkness and hopelessness. What surprised me was the opposite, blinding lights from an unknown source. It all really had been some farce nightmare. Man, I have to lay off the pizza and junk before crashing next time... I rubbed my eyes to adjust them, and I could hear a TV droning on in front of me. My senses awoken and I listened to the different voices and sounds coming from the TV without opening my eyes. I strained to listen as I heard a familiar voice. "No! Help! Let go!" A feminine voice had cried out, followed by muffled screaming. There was the sound of struggling, and a boy grunting heavily as though he was picking up something heavy.

Ah yes...This was probably the new episode of CSI: Miami. Delight overwhelmed me as I sat up. I obviously had a TV in my room, and my mom had most likely turned it on after realizing my favourite series was on. I opened my eyes with a smile on my face. Yes, I could see the scene happening before me. A young girl with bright amber hair and wide brown eyes was being carried off the camera's vision. A boy no older than me had her hanged over his shoulders like a sack of flour. I smirked unconsciously. This scene was so cliché...

I blinked, and watched as the boy began to leave, but he seemed to be whispering to the girl. I reached to my right for the TV remote; the only way I could adjust the volume. My hand waved in air where my dresser should have been, and I frowned. Oh, the remote had probably been knocked off onto the floor... I felt my hand down lower, and my fingers touched something cold and hard. Metal...? I looked down at my hand, and sure enough, I was touching the same surface I was sitting on. I blinked, and felt closely. Alright, whatever, metal. I shifted my position and my leg bones cracked under me, sending a shiver down my spine. I looked around more closely, turning my head in different directions. Bars were around me, and the girl that I had been talking to previously wasn't in her cage. Horror filled the melancholy creases in my face, and my eyes opened wide at the boy whom had turned back to look at me. Yes, he was looking at me. This wasn't my TV, this wasn't my room. This was my reality.

 

[JX Valentine]

First thing's first. Please do not format your content. Seriously, don't. The reason why is the more you do it, the harder it is for someone else to read. For example, center-aligned font is a lot more difficult on readers than left-aligned font simply because they have to search for the next line. It's more likely that they'll accidentally skip over a short line if it's centered than if it's flush against the left margin (mostly due to the way readers are used to reading text anyway).

Second, comic sans is a difficult font to read in large quantities as it is (and is, for this reason, considered to be one of the worst font faces out there), but bolding it so that some of the letters (lowercase E especially) become blobs on a computer screen doesn't really help matters. More than that, if you switch your skin to Johto Elite, you'll notice that the light font on a dark background also make things a little bit difficult because your post becomes blobs of white text.

In short, to make it easier for a reader to get through your work (which means they'll be able to focus more on the content than figuring out what each line says… or searching for lines in the first place), do not format your fanfiction.

With that aside, let's get into the review proper. I'm going to try to avoid pointing out grammar, in part to give someone else a bit more to talk about and in part because I'd really like to focus more on characterization and plot for my reviews this month. I hope you don't mind; I'll try to help you out as much as possible either way. Also, yes, this is long and potentially a little bit harsh, and I apologize in advance for both.

I will say, however, that it might be a good idea to get a beta reader. Right off the bat, I can spot a few comma errors, and you have the phrase "is there things" within the first couple of lines. ("Things" is plural, so you need a plural verb to go with it. However, "is" is singular. It only says that one object is doing something.) A beta reader would be able to help you weed out oddities like these. Assuming, at least, that you're not picking up on these kinds of things yourself. (Honestly, I wouldn't entirely blame you if you aren't. Some things are difficult to pick up on.)

A few notes about the character introduction.

First off, I'm a bit uncomfortable about this character's name. Okano can pass off as a Japanese name, sure, but not Kobalt. Aside from the fact that no Japanese character would render the last syllable accurately, it's just not, well, Japanese. So, it's odd that Japanese parents would name their kid this. On the other hand, even if we assume that they're not Japanese (which isn't too much of a stretch), we still have to address the fact that his last name is Okano, which is Japanese. My advice, if you're trying to create a Japanese character, is to either whip out a baby name dictionary (like Behind the Name) and flip to the Japanese listings. You can find a lot of interesting culture-accurate names that have the same general meanings as the word you're trying to use as a name. (For example, Aoi. Means blue.)

The reason why I'm fixated on this is because I'm getting a bit of a red flag already. You have a Japanese (presumably) character whose name is "cobalt" with a random K instead of a C for seemingly no apparent reason. Despite being Japanese, he's inherited traits (brown hair, blue eyes) that no Asian person can have without actually being a mutt. He's living in poverty. Now, I'm not saying outright that he's a Gary Stu or anything. Just that these are classic traits that you'd find on a Stu litmus test – particularly the part where ethnicity and culture are basically chucked out for the sake of being cool. Not to accuse you of doing this, but making a character Japanese and giving him a name as random as Kobalt sort of reads that way, especially if this character could be giving a normal name and any other ethnic background without changing any details. As in, if you just made this character Japanese without wanting to do much research about Japanese culture… yeah, that's where we have a problem, basically. Not to be negative or anything, but I'll explain this in a bit once I'm off the Stu rant.

For now, let me just say that you'll want to avoid stopping the narration in order to give a character a physical description. This is because you end up making some details feel rather random. For example, why is it relevant that his mother has brown hair while his father has blue eyes? Instead, what you want to do is integrate your description as much as possible, even if it's the main character narrating. For example, instead of saying he's got brown hair and blue eyes, have him walk into a room and scan it with his blue eyes. Have him run his fingers through his brown hair. You might even get away with having him examine himself in a mirror (although this in itself is a bit of a cliché). Use actions like these to weave description with the rest of the story so it doesn't end up hitting the reader in the face or making them wonder if the unimportant things that you bring up (like what color his mother's hair is) is vital to the story. (Ironically, you do it this way in the first chapter, meaning the description in the prologue is actually redundant.)

Also, "six feet tall" doesn't exactly mean anything to everyone, so you'll want to avoid using specific numbers. You can just say that he was particularly tall (which he would be if he was Japanese, considering the fact that you'd be rather unusual if you're that tall in Japan) or compare his height with the height of a known object (like a doorway), and the reader would be able to picture that a little easier because you're giving them a specific image to picture. Besides, Japan uses the metric system when it comes to measuring height and weight of a person, so a character living there most likely wouldn't measure themselves in feet anyway.

Side note while I'm still reading the prologue, but you mention that the island isn't caught up technologically. So… how does Kobalt have a PS3? (Besides, he mentions that normal islanders like him sometimes starve until payday. Wouldn't he, you know, save his money instead of buying one of the most expensive game systems on the market and then supply it with expensive games?)

I'd also suggest merging the first two chapters together in one large chapter. As it stands, both are rather short (almost as short as the prologue), and chapter two is just a continuation of the same scene as the one throughout the first chapter. In fact, it's the same exact conversation. There's a few ways to induce a chapter break.

1. Cliffhanger. If you're doing a cliffhanger, however, it's usually a good idea to make sure that the chapter is completely broken from the chapter before it. Usually, this happens in print by starting the next chapter on a different page. Online, this happens by not only putting the new chapter in a separate post but also waiting a couple of days before posting. The reason why is because a cliffhanger is meant to maximize suspense. That way, the ending of one chapter seems a lot more powerful than it normally would because there's just nothing after it. A reader is just getting that last taste of excitement.

2. Separation of ideas. In this chapter, you continue on with just the same thought as if there isn't a pause between what the girl says and how Kobalt answers. This causes the chapter break to feel a little like it's out of left field because you go right into Kobalt's answer without giving him time to think about it and without implying that any time is lapsing. Think of it like this. A chapter is a major break. It signals a longer pause between thoughts than a comma, period, paragraph, scene break, that sort of thing. So, if you have a character responding to another cast member immediately after a line of dialogue happens, chances are, you're signaling too much of a break between ideas.

I'm not sure if I'm grasping the point to the dream about the old man. It leads into a cliché (and, by the way, you shouldn't use tildes or ~ right before exclamation points in writing for the same reason that you shouldn't use smilies), and it seems to never be mentioned again. It doesn't even really match the rest of the chapter content because Kobalt is talking about how he's going to die soon, so why is he even thinking about dying in his old age?

Another thing on my list of things I'm not sure about: a Japanese kid making reference to an American television show (i.e., the CSI: Miami reference). I can see that he's trying to be witty, but it seems a little awkward for him to be referencing a foreign television show instead of, say, Zettai Reido or other Japanese equivalents to CSI that would have actually been in syndication over on his island. (Unless the television stations happened to be weird and decided to broadcast mostly or only foreign shows.)

Side note. In general, research is a good thing. For example, that ending? Not how you handle a needle or draw blood. Needles are generally packaged in plastic wrapping that needs to be opened in front of a patient. This is to ensure that the needle is sterile (because the diseases you can get from needles that aren't – even if they haven't touched anyone yet – are a lot of fun). Second, speaking of sterilization, for all subjects, you actually need to sterilize the area before taking blood. This is to avoid allowing the bacteria that live on skin naturally (and there's a lot) to contaminate the blood sample. Third, the needle is only to open up a vein, and the needle used is different from the kinds that give you flu shots or other vaccines. In actuality, blood is drawn into separate vials (usually a minimum of two for accurate testing). These vials are then capped, sealed shut, and labeled as soon as blood is drawn. Fourth, you need more than a small band-aid to patch up the site. This is because you're usually targeting a vein when drawing blood, so you're going to be bleeding a lot. That and you want to avoid infection as much as possible, so you want something that's definitely going to stay there for awhile. So, to avoid blood loss and/or infection, you'll need to use gauze/cotton balls (I've had both) and some bandage tape (kinda like the stuff on the edge of band-aids, only longer and rougher) to hold it in place until the wound heals. Even if you're squeamish, you can find guides and videos just a quick Google search away.

Sure, these details might sound minor, but every detail in a story tends to be important in some way. Sometimes, they just help a reader take your fic seriously. (For example, I get my blood drawn every year for testing, and my mother does it for a living. So, I couldn't help but crack a little smile at the image of attempting to draw blood and patching the vein up with nothing but a band-aid.) Other times, the tiny details can end up becoming major ones if you know what you're doing with them. (Example? Drawing blood this way says a lot about the person doing it – namely, that she doesn't particularly care about Kobalt's well-being – and could end with Kobalt getting a pretty serious infection/feeling anemic due to improper bandaging. One way of reading this as an important detail gives another character some pretty serious characterization. The other handicaps Kobalt severely and may prevent him from escaping or fighting back as well as he could if he was in perfect condition.)

So, basically, it was an okay start. It was readable, and I have to admit that although a lot of people do it in sci-fi fics, human experimentation sounds pretty interesting. So, yeah, I'd like to see where this is going.

However, it feels like a lot of it was bogged down in odd details. There were times when it felt like you were being inconsistent (poor kid having a PS3, for example), which made me feel like you added details with no intention of really exploring the consequences of them. (For example, if you have a character who's poor, that's going to shape him. He's going to have different views of what's important and different views of the world in general than someone who's not considered poor. He might have different ethics, a different attitude, things like that.)

This is where the part about being Japanese comes back into play. It felt like you just made a character Japanese/set this in Japan without really doing much research into Japanese culture. This is a bad thing because, to put it quite simply, Japan =/= the rest of the world. They have a different culture and way of doing things, and that's going to affect a character seriously. So, on top of being influenced by the fact that he's poor, Kobalt will be influenced by the customs and culture of his nation in general. While I'm not saying make him stereotypically Japanese, I'm just saying that it might be a good idea to check out what's popular in Japan, how the Japanese measure things, how the average Japanese person of Kobalt's social status (read: poor and in the boondocks) would go about their day, things like that. That way, you can shape an interesting, well-developed character instead of a character that has pretty generic goals and outlook on life. (As in, it's more interesting to see a character's background influence who they are than it is to see a character just acting witty and suave.)

Also, research in general. I know it sounds like I'm making you do some homework, but the research part isn't that difficult. Like I said, some things are only a quick Google search away, and being careful with your research means you'll be careful with your details. That way, the reader can be certain that everything in your story will be mentioned for a reason, and everything will affect a character in one way or another.

As for the story itself, it was okay, but to be honest, you spent so much time going back and forth with Kobalt waking up and interpreting his situation differently in chapter two that even the reader wasn't sure whether or not the fact that he was kidnapped was real. This isn't actually a good thing because if you end up confusing the reader by showing them what's real and then labeling it a dream several different times, they'll lose track of whether or not they should be believing what your main character has to say, if that makes sense. Or, in shorter terms, if the reader can't automatically figure out when Kobalt isn't dreaming, it's going to be jarring when that revelation comes up. Also, they're going to start thinking Kobalt is an unreliable narrator, which would be cool but probably not what you want for this story.

Beyond that, it's too early to tell where you're going with this, to be honest. If you're going for standard sci-fi, the research bit is leaving me feeling uncomfortable (not to mention the treatment of the patients – because, you know, they're not exactly lab animals), but it's just as likely (from what I'm getting of the prologue's beginning) that you could be dealing with something a bit on the supernatural side. That alone piques my interest a bit, so I'll keep an eye on this fic.

In short, just be careful with the details, and this'll have some serious potential.

 

[Eeveemaster9]

First thing's first. Please do not format your content. Seriously, don't. The reason why is the more you do it, the harder it is for someone else to read. For example, center-aligned font is a lot more difficult on readers than left-aligned font simply because they have to search for the next line. It's more likely that they'll accidentally skip over a short line if it's centered than if it's flush against the left margin (mostly due to the way readers are used to reading text anyway).

Second, comic sans is a difficult font to read in large quantities as it is (and is, for this reason, considered to be one of the worst font faces out there), but bolding it so that some of the letters (lowercase E especially) become blobs on a computer screen doesn't really help matters. More than that, if you switch your skin to Johto Elite, you'll notice that the light font on a dark background also make things a little bit difficult because your post becomes blobs of white text.

In short, to make it easier for a reader to get through your work (which means they'll be able to focus more on the content than figuring out what each line says… or searching for lines in the first place), do not format your fanfiction.

Alright. That will be my mistake, and I take credit for that. I personally LIKE Comic Sans font, but I suppose you're right on this one. I'll change it right away, and properly align my fic.

With that aside, let's get into the review proper. I'm going to try to avoid pointing out grammar, in part to give someone else a bit more to talk about and in part because I'd really like to focus more on characterization and plot for my reviews this month. I hope you don't mind; I'll try to help you out as much as possible either way. Also, yes, this is long and potentially a little bit harsh, and I apologize in advance for both.

I will say, however, that it might be a good idea to get a beta reader. Right off the bat, I can spot a few comma errors, and you have the phrase "is there things" within the first couple of lines. ("Things" is plural, so you need a plural verb to go with it. However, "is" is singular. It only says that one object is doing something.) A beta reader would be able to help you weed out oddities like these. Assuming, at least, that you're not picking up on these kinds of things yourself. (Honestly, I wouldn't entirely blame you if you aren't. Some things are difficult to pick up on.)

Yeah...Grammar isn't the best for me...Currently looking for a beta reader.

First off, I'm a bit uncomfortable about this character's name. Okano can pass off as a Japanese name, sure, but not Kobalt. Aside from the fact that no Japanese character would render the last syllable accurately, it's just not, well, Japanese. So, it's odd that Japanese parents would name their kid this. On the other hand, even if we assume that they're not Japanese (which isn't too much of a stretch), we still have to address the fact that his last name is Okano, which is Japanese. My advice, if you're trying to create a Japanese character, is to either whip out a baby name dictionary (like Behind the Name) and flip to the Japanese listings. You can find a lot of interesting culture-accurate names that have the same general meanings as the word you're trying to use as a name. (For example, Aoi. Means blue.)

The reason why I'm fixated on this is because I'm getting a bit of a red flag already. You have a Japanese (presumably) character whose name is "cobalt" with a random K instead of a C for seemingly no apparent reason. Despite being Japanese, he's inherited traits (brown hair, blue eyes) that no Asian person can have without actually being a mutt. He's living in poverty. Now, I'm not saying outright that he's a Gary Stu or anything. Just that these are classic traits that you'd find on a Stu litmus test – particularly the part where ethnicity and culture are basically chucked out for the sake of being cool. Not to accuse you of doing this, but making a character Japanese and giving him a name as random as Kobalt sort of reads that way, especially if this character could be giving a normal name and any other ethnic background without changing any details. As in, if you just made this character Japanese without wanting to do much research about Japanese culture… yeah, that's where we have a problem, basically. Not to be negative or anything, but I'll explain this in a bit once I'm off the Stu rant.

I have gotten this from a few teachers I've shown my story to, and I will indeed change this. He isn't Japanese, but I didn't want to give him a name like "Smith". I'll change his name entirely.

For now, let me just say that you'll want to avoid stopping the narration in order to give a character a physical description. This is because you end up making some details feel rather random. For example, why is it relevant that his mother has brown hair while his father has blue eyes? Instead, what you want to do is integrate your description as much as possible, even if it's the main character narrating. For example, instead of saying he's got brown hair and blue eyes, have him walk into a room and scan it with his blue eyes. Have him run his fingers through his brown hair. You might even get away with having him examine himself in a mirror (although this in itself is a bit of a cliché). Use actions like these to weave description with the rest of the story so it doesn't end up hitting the reader in the face or making them wonder if the unimportant things that you bring up (like what color his mother's hair is) is vital to the story. (Ironically, you do it this way in the first chapter, meaning the description in the prologue is actually redundant.)

Also, "six feet tall" doesn't exactly mean anything to everyone, so you'll want to avoid using specific numbers. You can just say that he was particularly tall (which he would be if he was Japanese, considering the fact that you'd be rather unusual if you're that tall in Japan) or compare his height with the height of a known object (like a doorway), and the reader would be able to picture that a little easier because you're giving them a specific image to picture. Besides, Japan uses the metric system when it comes to measuring height and weight of a person, so a character living there most likely wouldn't measure themselves in feet anyway.

I caught that mistake myself, I just did not know what to do with it. Now I have a plan.

Side note while I'm still reading the prologue, but you mention that the island isn't caught up technologically. So… how does Kobalt have a PS3? (Besides, he mentions that normal islanders like him sometimes starve until payday. Wouldn't he, you know, save his money instead of buying one of the most expensive game systems on the market and then supply it with expensive games?)

I'm guessing that if I change it to a new volume of a book coming out, it will be more believeable?

I'd also suggest merging the first two chapters together in one large chapter. As it stands, both are rather short (almost as short as the prologue), and chapter two is just a continuation of the same scene as the one throughout the first chapter. In fact, it's the same exact conversation. There's a few ways to induce a chapter break.

1. Cliffhanger. If you're doing a cliffhanger, however, it's usually a good idea to make sure that the chapter is completely broken from the chapter before it. Usually, this happens in print by starting the next chapter on a different page. Online, this happens by not only putting the new chapter in a separate post but also waiting a couple of days before posting. The reason why is because a cliffhanger is meant to maximize suspense. That way, the ending of one chapter seems a lot more powerful than it normally would because there's just nothing after it. A reader is just getting that last taste of excitement.

2. Separation of ideas. In this chapter, you continue on with just the same thought as if there isn't a pause between what the girl says and how Kobalt answers. This causes the chapter break to feel a little like it's out of left field because you go right into Kobalt's answer without giving him time to think about it and without implying that any time is lapsing. Think of it like this. A chapter is a major break. It signals a longer pause between thoughts than a comma, period, paragraph, scene break, that sort of thing. So, if you have a character responding to another cast member immediately after a line of dialogue happens, chances are, you're signaling too much of a break between ideas.

I can do that! Thanks.

I'm not sure if I'm grasping the point to the dream about the old man. It leads into a cliché (and, by the way, you shouldn't use tildes or ~ right before exclamation points in writing for the same reason that you shouldn't use smilies), and it seems to never be mentioned again. It doesn't even really match the rest of the chapter content because Kobalt is talking about how he's going to die soon, so why is he even thinking about dying in his old age?

I like using ~ because..It sort of pictures that he's ending the sentence slickly, and not hard. He's letting it flow off his tongue like he's singing (<--Bad example?)

Another thing on my list of things I'm not sure about: a Japanese kid making reference to an American television show (i.e., the CSI: Miami reference). I can see that he's trying to be witty, but it seems a little awkward for him to be referencing a foreign television show instead of, say, Zettai Reido or other Japanese equivalents to CSI that would have actually been in syndication over on his island. (Unless the television stations happened to be weird and decided to broadcast mostly or only foreign shows.)

He's not japanese, and gets american channels. I shall make sure that becomes clear.

Side note. In general, research is a good thing. For example, that ending? Not how you handle a needle or draw blood. Needles are generally packaged in plastic wrapping that needs to be opened in front of a patient. This is to ensure that the needle is sterile (because the diseases you can get from needles that aren't – even if they haven't touched anyone yet – are a lot of fun). Second, speaking of sterilization, for all subjects, you actually need to sterilize the area before taking blood. This is to avoid allowing the bacteria that live on skin naturally (and there's a lot) to contaminate the blood sample. Third, the needle is only to open up a vein, and the needle used is different from the kinds that give you flu shots or other vaccines. In actuality, blood is drawn into separate vials (usually a minimum of two for accurate testing). These vials are then capped, sealed shut, and labeled as soon as blood is drawn. Fourth, you need more than a small band-aid to patch up the site. This is because you're usually targeting a vein when drawing blood, so you're going to be bleeding a lot. That and you want to avoid infection as much as possible, so you want something that's definitely going to stay there for awhile. So, to avoid blood loss and/or infection, you'll need to use gauze/cotton balls (I've had both) and some bandage tape (kinda like the stuff on the edge of band-aids, only longer and rougher) to hold it in place until the wound heals. Even if you're squeamish, you can find guides and videos just a quick Google search away.

Sure, these details might sound minor, but every detail in a story tends to be important in some way. Sometimes, they just help a reader take your fic seriously. (For example, I get my blood drawn every year for testing, and my mother does it for a living. So, I couldn't help but crack a little smile at the image of attempting to draw blood and patching the vein up with nothing but a band-aid.) Other times, the tiny details can end up becoming major ones if you know what you're doing with them. (Example? Drawing blood this way says a lot about the person doing it – namely, that she doesn't particularly care about Kobalt's well-being – and could end with Kobalt getting a pretty serious infection/feeling anemic due to improper bandaging. One way of reading this as an important detail gives another character some pretty serious characterization. The other handicaps Kobalt severely and may prevent him from escaping or fighting back as well as he could if he was in perfect condition.)

Y-yeah...I didn't do my research. Just a bit of hospital shows. I shall...Get on that. As for the woman, well...She doesn't have very much emotion either way, so she doesn't care for him, but she won't put him in harms way on purpose. She's one of the more...Brain-like characters that actually know what they're doing. And she SHOULD have a knowledge on needles if she's skipping around with one. This should be interesting...I'm not sure if she'd actually go out of her way to clean his arm and all that. Just doesn't fit with the character, but then again. I DO NOT want Kobalt to get sick in ANY way.

So, basically, it was an okay start. It was readable, and I have to admit that although a lot of people do it in sci-fi fics, human experimentation sounds pretty interesting. So, yeah, I'd like to see where this is going.

Didn't really think of this as Sci-fi...Not gonna say more.

This is where the part about being Japanese comes back into play. It felt like you just made a character Japanese/set this in Japan without really doing much research into Japanese culture. This is a bad thing because, to put it quite simply, Japan =/= the rest of the world. They have a different culture and way of doing things, and that's going to affect a character seriously. So, on top of being influenced by the fact that he's poor, Kobalt will be influenced by the customs and culture of his nation in general. While I'm not saying make him stereotypically Japanese, I'm just saying that it might be a good idea to check out what's popular in Japan, how the Japanese measure things, how the average Japanese person of Kobalt's social status (read: poor and in the boondocks) would go about their day, things like that. That way, you can shape an interesting, well-developed character instead of a character that has pretty generic goals and outlook on life. (As in, it's more interesting to see a character's background influence who they are than it is to see a character just acting witty and suave.)

Also, research in general. I know it sounds like I'm making you do some homework, but the research part isn't that difficult. Like I said, some things are only a quick Google search away, and being careful with your research means you'll be careful with your details. That way, the reader can be certain that everything in your story will be mentioned for a reason, and everything will affect a character in one way or another.

*Groans and pulls up Google on a new tab* Alright. I can do that.

As for the story itself, it was okay, but to be honest, you spent so much time going back and forth with Kobalt waking up and interpreting his situation differently in chapter two that even the reader wasn't sure whether or not the fact that he was kidnapped was real. This isn't actually a good thing because if you end up confusing the reader by showing them what's real and then labeling it a dream several different times, they'll lose track of whether or not they should be believing what your main character has to say, if that makes sense. Or, in shorter terms, if the reader can't automatically figure out when Kobalt isn't dreaming, it's going to be jarring when that revelation comes up. Also, they're going to start thinking Kobalt is an unreliable narrator, which would be cool but probably not what you want for this story.

How do you suppose I make the readers believe it was a dream for a bit? I want them to BELIEVE that it was a dream, and then horrified, suspense to creep over them when they realize this was no dream.

Beyond that, it's too early to tell where you're going with this, to be honest. If you're going for standard sci-fi, the research bit is leaving me feeling uncomfortable (not to mention the treatment of the patients – because, you know, they're not exactly lab animals), but it's just as likely (from what I'm getting of the prologue's beginning) that you could be dealing with something a bit on the supernatural side. That alone piques my interest a bit, so I'll keep an eye on this fic.

In short, just be careful with the details, and this'll have some serious potential.

Maybe they are lab animals? You never know. And I think the title sort of suggests a supernatural theme...With the whole "Reality of Fantasy" bit.

And to finally end this, I turned fourteen today. I personally think this is alot better than what alot of teens my age can do.

 

[Scytheteen]

Well, I do agree with what Jax said about the font, certainly. It is complicated to read with such a, well, annoying font. With that, I was too lazy to read the rest of her review, so if I repeat something I apologize. It's also been a while since I've reviewed fan fiction, so if I'm a little rusty, again, I apologize.

The first thing that stood out to me, besides the font and structure, was that you laid a lot on us at once. I know you're excited about sharing your fanfic, and maybe you already wrote the whole thing someplace else, but to me, posting the first three chapters is a lot to handle. Not every reviewer will feel this way, some like having the whole thing to read at once, but I like a little break in between, some time to build up a little suspense. Get what I mean? Tease me, make me wait for the good stuff.

Now onto some grammar, yay! The first thing that stood out to me was this:

" Its early summer vacation now....Thank God. Now I don't have to hand in homework everyday...I suck at math and science anyhow...Now all I have to be concerned about is getting the new soldier PS3 game that's coming out tomorrow. I [S-HIGHLIGHT]decided[/S-HIGHLIGHT] that I would go to bed early and head to the store in the morning. I [S-HIGHLIGHT]went[/S-HIGHLIGHT] to bed around eight in the evening, sleeping in my clothing so I didn't have to worry about getting dressed in the morning. Smart, eh? Nope. "

You switched tenses here. Maybe it's just me being crazy, quite the possibility, but you went from present tense, to past tense. Maybe you did on purpose, or maybe by accident, but if you meant to do it, you did it quite awkwardly. Frankly, I don't think it fit at all to randomly switch tenses here. The stuff I highlighted is where you switched tenses.

Also in the prologue, you're characterization was a little amateur. Sure, you gave a good description of your unique character, but a good technique in any type of writing, fanfiction or not, is to show, don't tell. You just have your character speaking in first person telling us everything. Instead, have him, maybe, look in a mirror and comment on the height, or brush your hair and comment on it's color and length. Those are just examples.

I liked the cliff-hanger at the end of the prologue! That's what I was talking about before, leave us thinking! Give us something to look forward to! Make me want to come back and read more!

Now, onto chapter one. I saw a lack of description here. For example:

"I opened my eyes and blinked. It was darkness that greeted me, instead of the bright morning sun I knew so well. What the hell...? I tuned my ears to listen to things around me. There was nothing."

Instead of saying "I opened my eyes and blinked", try dragging out the sentence a little more. "I opened my eyes and hesitated for a bit, confused where I was," just a poor example, but something like that. Also, in the last two sentences of the above quote, instead of saying "there was nothing", use something else. You mentioned a sense, hearing, which is great! Make me visualize in my head what I'm hearing. Saying "nothing" doesn't cut it. Using similes and metaphors are perfect in this situation. "It was as silent as a cricket's funeral," is a poor and silly example, but when I read something like that, I just think of silence. Just a suggestion.

" only to hit my head hard against metal similar to the one beneath me. "Fuuu-Ouch." I muttered. I rubbed the bump that was already starting to form on my head, and I looked around as best I could"

Again, description! Tell me how much it hurt! Relate it to a life situation, so that when your character bumps their head, I feel their pain! You have all the ground work laid down, just expand upon it!

" I began to spread my pale fingers through my short brown hair in frustration."

Perfect! This was just what I was talking about before in characterization.

Again, good ending! I love spooky and suspicious endings!

I'll continue this review later, though. I think I'm experiencing vertigo o_0. But overall, very good job! Just heed my advice, in addition to Jax's, and you'll be fine!

 

[Eeveemaster9]

Scytheteen@
I actually have chapters done before here. MS Word currently holds 4 other chapters not listed here.

I thank you for the descriptive helpings. I shall try my best!

 

[Scytheteen]

Scytheteen@
I actually have chapters done before here. MS Word currently holds 4 other chapters not listed here.

I thank you for the descriptive helpings. I shall try my best!

That's what I suspected. Kudos on typing in a processor before putting it here, just try and space out when you post the chapters :)

 

[Eeveemaster9]

That's what I suspected. Kudos on typing in a processor before putting it here, just try and space out when you post the chapters :)

Of course. I did some editting of my fic, so hopefully I covered everything :x I took out "Chapter 3" completed, and fused Chapter 1 & 2 together. Enjoy?

 

[JX Valentine]

I'm guessing that if I change it to a new volume of a book coming out, it will be more believeable?

That would actually work. Books tend to be significantly cheaper than video games, and they're usually more readily available in these kinds of areas. It might also give your character a bit more of a personality. He'd no longer be just a kid who's into popular things. He could be an intellectual type if he's into older books, some kind of enthusiast if he's getting a magazine, a more childlike or geeky character if he's picking up comic books, or something else along those lines.

I like using ~ because..It sort of pictures that he's ending the sentence slickly, and not hard. He's letting it flow off his tongue like he's singing (<--Bad example?)

In chats, that's usually what the additional tilde means, but that's pretty much it. You don't want to use chatspeak or chat symbols in writing. It's like using @ instead of at or ^_^ instead of a description of what that kind of face would look like.

He's not japanese, and gets american channels. I shall make sure that becomes clear.

In that case, remember to modify the setting. You mentioned in the prologue that the story takes place on a country off the coast of Japan. My suggestion would be to remove the reference to Japan altogether and just have it be a small country in the Pacific Ocean. I mean, now I've realized you mentioned Japan to give the reader an idea of where on the map the country is, but avoiding any mention of it might also help avoid making the reader think you mean that the two are also linked culturally. (Mentioning countries like that has a tendency to imply this.)

This should be interesting...I'm not sure if she'd actually go out of her way to clean his arm and all that.

Hmm, this would depend on whether or not the scientists you're creating would actually prize scientific and medical procedure. Like I said, cleaning before drawing also avoids contaminating the blood sample (because you're not having the vial/needle come in contact with any dirt or microorganisms before drawing blood). So, in that sense, while the scientist might not really care all that much about the subject, they might be careful and attempt to do things by-the-book, just because of scientific procedure/wanting to make sure the experiment goes smoothly. Of course, you could also have a character who's either inexperienced or doesn't care, but then you'd have to handle the reactions she'd get from her fellow scientists. (Or from Kobalt himself if she's not experienced with drawing blood, considering it's not exactly easy to do.)

How do you suppose I make the readers believe it was a dream for a bit? I want them to BELIEVE that it was a dream, and then horrified, suspense to creep over them when they realize this was no dream.

Step one is to start off by implying it's a dream from the very beginning. In dreams, there's certain details that mark it as definitely being dream-like. Colors might be sharper than they should be. Everything might be hazy. You might constantly feel like you're floating or like your head is full of mush. Getting the reader to think it's a dream isn't in whether or not the character thinks it's a dream. It's in what the character actually senses -- things that just plain make the scene surreal. Things that are just wrong according to logic.

Step two is, ironically, don't spend too much time in the character's head itself. In dreams, you don't spend too much time wondering whether or not you're dreaming. Likewise, you shouldn't have a character constantly waking up from other dreams, constantly comparing his situation to a television show, constantly actively wondering whether or not he's asleep, that sort of thing. Instead, have him look and feel. Detail his world and what he's sensing, and pay close attention to his senses. I was going to bring this up in my review, but there was a point where he says his fingers were particularly sensitive. That's a prime opportunity right there because it could lead to a surreal detail. I'm not talking about metal where there shouldn't be. I'm saying details like the metal is too blinking cold to be metal. The brain operates in funny ways when you're dreaming, so have Kobalt's register things it just shouldn't be registering. And focus on the details instead of Kobalt trying to figure things out at this point because he's trying to relay it like a dream he had. (Another way to think about it: how do you usually talk to your friends about a dream you had last night?)

Step three, once you've fully established both of these points, start bringing in the hard realization: Kobalt can't wake up. That's your key to grounding him in reality, not whether or not he thinks it's a joke. No matter what he does or how long he spends there, nothing's changing his situation. Here's where you can bring in the sensation of pain. Some writers like to use it as a signal that a person isn't dreaming. (That's why the pinching thing is a cliché. Supposedly, you can't feel pain in a dream.) So, you could have him start to sense his world in terms of real sensation. His legs are falling asleep from sitting in the cage. He's getting hungry. The metal is uncomfortable. Things like that.

Point is, you don't transition back and forth between "this is a dream" and "this isn't a dream." You establish that it's a dream first and then slowly crawl into reality. Likewise, think a lot about how you talk about your dreams to your friends. Focus on the details of what's happening, not what's going on in your head. The more you make it seem like it's actually a dream that he's relating instead of something that the reader should question, the more the reader will actually believe he's dreaming at first and get the proper shock later on.

And yes, take it slowly when you transition. Don't go back to step one and have Kobalt try to insist it's a dream or keep talking about it as if it's a dream. That way, the more he begins to see it as a reality, the more the reader does as well.

Maybe they are lab animals? You never know.

Human beings, which Kobalt still is (else he probably would have noticed a marked difference in his body by now), are generally not treated the same way as a monkey or a rabbit in lab scenarios. This is, of course, ignoring the fact that lab animals generally aren't kept in dark rooms, either, but.

The reason why is also because of the way humans react to these kinds of settings. If they're kidnapped and forced to live in tiny cages with no sedation like animals, they're more likely to injure themselves in an attempt to escape. Because, well, they wouldn't be particularly happy with this kind of situation.

And I think the title sort of suggests a supernatural theme...With the whole "Reality of Fantasy" bit.

Not necessarily to be honest. It could suggest a fantasy theme (think high elves and whatnot -- or, if you'd like, urban fantasy in which those elves live in cities instead of forests), which is separate from a supernatural (ghosts, demons, et cetera) theme. Alternatively, it could also be a sci-fi fic, considering sci-fi still deals with the fantastic as well. It just throws in science to make it a possibility that the kinds of things its stories cover could happen.

And to finally end this, I turned fourteen today. I personally think this is alot better than what alot of teens my age can do.

First off, happy birthday.

Second? Sorry if this sounds a bit hostile, but do not use your age as an excuse or a defense. Ever. I'm sorry, but a lot of fic authors like to do this without realizing that age is completely irrelevant to whether or not someone can write well. For example? Giratina, who I think is one of our best writers, is about your age. Citrinin, one of our most popular? Only thirteen when he wrote his first fic. Heck, those last fics at the bottom of the list? What I wrote when I was your age. I have to admit, my examples are rife with Mary Sues and desperately need beta-reading, but you get the idea.

Likewise, I know people my age or older who write utter crap. Sometimes, they're even published.

But the point? Age doesn't matter when you're writing. Don't compare yourself to other teens, and don't expect your readers to. It's just not polite. :|

 

[Eeveemaster9]

That would actually work. Books tend to be significantly cheaper than video games, and they're usually more readily available in these kinds of areas. It might also give your character a bit more of a personality. He'd no longer be just a kid who's into popular things. He could be an intellectual type if he's into older books, some kind of enthusiast if he's getting a magazine, a more childlike or geeky character if he's picking up comic books, or something else along those lines.

Cool! I made the changes~

In chats, that's usually what the additional tilde means, but that's pretty much it. You don't want to use chatspeak or chat symbols in writing. It's like using @ instead of at or ^_^ instead of a description of what that kind of face would look like.

Changed.

In that case, remember to modify the setting. You mentioned in the prologue that the story takes place on a country off the coast of Japan. My suggestion would be to remove the reference to Japan altogether and just have it be a small country in the Pacific Ocean. I mean, now I've realized you mentioned Japan to give the reader an idea of where on the map the country is, but avoiding any mention of it might also help avoid making the reader think you mean that the two are also linked culturally. (Mentioning countries like that has a tendency to imply this.)

Changed.

Hmm, this would depend on whether or not the scientists you're creating would actually prize scientific and medical procedure. Like I said, cleaning before drawing also avoids contaminating the blood sample (because you're not having the vial/needle come in contact with any dirt or microorganisms before drawing blood). So, in that sense, while the scientist might not really care all that much about the subject, they might be careful and attempt to do things by-the-book, just because of scientific procedure/wanting to make sure the experiment goes smoothly. Of course, you could also have a character who's either inexperienced or doesn't care, but then you'd have to handle the reactions she'd get from her fellow scientists. (Or from Kobalt himself if she's not experienced with drawing blood, considering it's not exactly easy to do.)

Currently studying on this. Will update with chapter 2 once I have it all set.

Step one is to start off by implying it's a dream from the very beginning. In dreams, there's certain details that mark it as definitely being dream-like. Colors might be sharper than they should be. Everything might be hazy. You might constantly feel like you're floating or like your head is full of mush. Getting the reader to think it's a dream isn't in whether or not the character thinks it's a dream. It's in what the character actually senses -- things that just plain make the scene surreal. Things that are just wrong according to logic.

Step two is, ironically, don't spend too much time in the character's head itself. In dreams, you don't spend too much time wondering whether or not you're dreaming. Likewise, you shouldn't have a character constantly waking up from other dreams, constantly comparing his situation to a television show, constantly actively wondering whether or not he's asleep, that sort of thing. Instead, have him look and feel. Detail his world and what he's sensing, and pay close attention to his senses. I was going to bring this up in my review, but there was a point where he says his fingers were particularly sensitive. That's a prime opportunity right there because it could lead to a surreal detail. I'm not talking about metal where there shouldn't be. I'm saying details like the metal is too blinking cold to be metal. The brain operates in funny ways when you're dreaming, so have Kobalt's register things it just shouldn't be registering. And focus on the details instead of Kobalt trying to figure things out at this point because he's trying to relay it like a dream he had. (Another way to think about it: how do you usually talk to your friends about a dream you had last night?)

Step three, once you've fully established both of these points, start bringing in the hard realization: Kobalt can't wake up. That's your key to grounding him in reality, not whether or not he thinks it's a joke. No matter what he does or how long he spends there, nothing's changing his situation. Here's where you can bring in the sensation of pain. Some writers like to use it as a signal that a person isn't dreaming. (That's why the pinching thing is a cliché. Supposedly, you can't feel pain in a dream.) So, you could have him start to sense his world in terms of real sensation. His legs are falling asleep from sitting in the cage. He's getting hungry. The metal is uncomfortable. Things like that.

Point is, you don't transition back and forth between "this is a dream" and "this isn't a dream." You establish that it's a dream first and then slowly crawl into reality. Likewise, think a lot about how you talk about your dreams to your friends. Focus on the details of what's happening, not what's going on in your head. The more you make it seem like it's actually a dream that he's relating instead of something that the reader should question, the more the reader will actually believe he's dreaming at first and get the proper shock later on.

And yes, take it slowly when you transition. Don't go back to step one and have Kobalt try to insist it's a dream or keep talking about it as if it's a dream. That way, the more he begins to see it as a reality, the more the reader does as well.

I will fix this up!

First off, happy birthday.

Second? Sorry if this sounds a bit hostile, but do not use your age as an excuse or a defense. Ever. I'm sorry, but a lot of fic authors like to do this without realizing that age is completely irrelevant to whether or not someone can write well. For example? Giratina, who I think is one of our best writers, is about your age. Citrinin, one of our most popular? Only thirteen when he wrote his first fic. Heck, those last fics at the bottom of the list? What I wrote when I was your age. I have to admit, my examples are rife with Mary Sues and desperately need beta-reading, but you get the idea.

Likewise, I know people my age or older who write utter crap. Sometimes, they're even published.

But the point? Age doesn't matter when you're writing. Don't compare yourself to other teens, and don't expect your readers to. It's just not polite. :|

I-I get the point. Pardon my rude comment then :x

 

[Eeveemaster9]

Chapter 2 – Black Butterfly



"W-wait!" I cried out after I realized he was leaving the room with the struggling girl. He turned around and gave me a surprised look. "Where are you taking her?!" I continued, clutching the bars of my cage. The boy smiled, but didn't reply right away. I took the moment of silence to study his features. White fluffy hair and confused emerald eyes. His attire was like that of a servant, looking around my age, I began to calculate the odds of myself overtaking him physically. However, all thoughts of doing so were washed away when I eyed something that was strapped to his waist. It looked like a modern handgun model, and the boy smirked as he tapped it with his empty hand.

"Why should I tell you? You'll end up dying like Alia in a day or two~" With that, he closed the door separating myself from Alia, and the unwelcomed darkness returned. I stared at the sliver of light from underneath the doorframe for a long time, and I was oblivious to my surroundings. Alia was going to die...And so was I.

Abruptly, I could hear the sound of a feminine voice close to me, and I blinked in shock. "...-Are you?" I shifted my body cautiously to the front of my cage before collecting the courage to speak up.

"Who's there?" I ask, trying to make my voice intimidating.

The lights of the room were turned on yet again, and I was blinded momentarily. I slowly uncovered my eyes from my hands to stare upon probably one of the most beautiful being I had ever seen.

She had long black hair that stuck out against her pale skin. She had emotionless, deep green eyes, and small lips that were stopped part way from speaking. Looking at her, I felt myself blush uncontrollably. She was crouched in front of my cage, and pressed against her breasts was a book with an unreadable title. She repeated herself, and I felt somehow bad that she had to.

"Who are you?" She asked, staring into my eyes. I swallowed. Her eyes almost seemed to cut through me like lasers. Was she an enemy? Was it safe to tell her?

I decided to take my chances. "Kevin." I said clearly, straightening my back. I saw her lips arch upwards for a split moment before falling flat once again.

"I see...Kevin..." She mumbled, opening her book a crack as though to check for something. "You wouldn't mind if I did some testing?" It took me a bit to realize it was a question. All my feelings vanished, and my muscles tensed. She was with the boy who had carried Alia away.

I dared myself to question the woman for answers. "Why? What kind of tests? What happened to Alia?" Her eyebrows rose slightly with the final question, and I held my breathe.

"Alia? Well...She refused the tests. So, the real question is if you want to live or have the same punishment as her?" I couldn't believe she was saying all of this straight-faced...

I felt the blood drain from my face, and I shuddered.

"Will it hurt?" I asked, looking at her carefully. She pulled out a dropper, a card, and a small device. "Not much," she mumbled, placing a drop of water on each section of the cards.

I watched curiously, and leaned forward. She took out something else from her book, and opened the package concealing it - an alcohol pad. She reached over and took my hand, and I bit my lip. I watched as she cleaned the tip of my finger with the pad. She then took the small device, and placed it against the ring finger she had cleaned on my right hand.

"Little sting," she mumbled as she pressed the top of the device.

I felt a needle prick my finger, and she removed the needle to show that I was bleeding. She took a cotton stick, and dabbed my blood onto the end. I winced as she then rubbed the blood onto each section of the damp card on the floor. I watched as she swirled the card slightly, and my blood began to darkening on a certain section.

She looked at the card carefully, and smiled. "Alright, I'll be right back." With that, she packed up her things, walked off, and left me alone with the lights on.

I sat unaccompanied quietly for what seemed like hours. I was trying to process everything that was happening. Was Alia really dead? What kind of tests were in my future? Was that woman a friend or foe? I sighed, and I sat down. Something sharp jabbed me, and it took every ounce of self-control I had not to yelp. Grumbling, I went onto my knees and searched through my back pockets. My fingers brushed against a wooden handle, and then a sleek surface attached. I felt the edges of the surface and a sharp pain went through my index finger. I was bleeding. My eyes widened and I pulled the pointed item from my pocket. I smirked and sucked on my injured finger. It was a knife. I held back a laugh of excitement and I examined it.

Wait, how did I get a knife? Wouldn't it have poked me before? Why did I only realize it now? I sighed and jammed the knife into my back pocket. I didn't want to be forced to use it, but…

Unexpectedly the door to the room opened again, and I was expecting that woman to walk in and, I don't know…Say I could go home?? Well, with my luck that was improbable, so I tried to look surprised when the dragging boy walked in casually. He smirked when he saw me, and came closer.

"It's your lucky day, Kevin!" He laughed, crouching down in front of my cage. "You don't have to suffer for much longer. We need you now." He had swung the cage door open and grabbed my wrist. I was quickly pulled from my cage, and I immediately felt dizzy. I attempted to pull away from the dragging boy, but he was extremely strong, and began to pull me along. Tch, I suppose...I reached for my back pocket.

The boy had stopped at the door leading out of the room, and turned slightly towards me. "Alright, now-" His eyes went wide and he gasped for air. I gave a crazed smile, and pulled back my hand. "You…?!" He fell to his knees, and clutched his stomach which was already soaked with blood. I back up, holding the equally bloody knife.

"Sorry." I mumbled, and I quickly ran away.

"Stop!" I heard him grunt, followed by a gunshot. I felt my left hand go wet, and pain struck my veins. He had managed to shoot me, and my hand was what had taken the hit. I ignored the pain and continued to run. Everything was a blur, and I looked around in a panic. Where was Alia?! I crashed through several doors before coming to a halt in a huge room. I gazed around with my wound held against my shirt.

Since my head was spinning from the loss of blood and adrenaline, it took me a moment to recognize this room as an entrance hall. There were winding stairs to my right that went three floors from the ground. To my left were two glossy wooden doors, probably leading outside. Though, my attention was directed on two figures in front of the doors. I knew them. One was Alia, and the other was the woman that had taken my blood. Alia was staring at her with surprised eyes and the woman was giving her a kind smile in return. I stared at this scene. Was Alia going to be killed? What was happening? The woman looked at me for a moment, and reached for the door handle. She poked her head outside, and opened the door wider. She signalled Alia to go through, and though she hesitated for a moment, she ran out. The woman smiled and closed the door. She then looked at me with cold eyes that sent a chill down my spine.

"You have passed."

 

[icomeanon6]

I hate to say it, but what stuck out to me the most about this story was that the characters felt distinctly unnatural. The dialogue/narration in general didn't leave much of an impression on me. I think these lines illustrate what I'm trying to say:

"You…Stabbed me…?"

She asked, staring into my dark blue eyes.

The first one I think sounds kind of stilted. It's feels more like something out of a cheesy anime translation.

As for the second one, I just can't picture someone describing the color of their own eyes while telling their own story. Since the reader is experiencing the story through Kevin's perspective, I don't think knowing much about his physical appearance is terribly important, and in this case I found it jarring when it came up.

The other main issue that stuck out to me was grammar, and not just punctuation. There were several instances when words' definitions weren't used correctly.

I dared myself to persist the woman for answers.

and my eyes opened wide at the boy whom had turned back to look at me.

I shifted my body cautiously to the front of my cage before holding up the courage to speak up. "Whose there?"​

You can't "persist" something. You can persist in something, or just simply persist, but it's not a verb that can be paired with a direct object (in this case, the woman).

Though your attempt to use "whom" instead of "who" is admirable, I'm afraid "who" is actually the correct word here. This is because in that part of the sentence, "who" is a new subject. As in, "[subject] had turned back to look at me."

That's not what "holding up" means, or this is some kind of idiom that I'm unfamiliar with. And besides, having "up" two times in the sentence and that close together doesn't flow well. I would use "gathering the courage," or something similar instead. Also, "Whose" is possessive, whereas you want the contraction "Who's" for "Who is."

I think it might be worth your while to find an beta reader who specializes in grammar. The easier your story is to read, the better response you'll get from readers.

I think Jax has covered the story itself pretty thoroughly, and since I agree with her on the main points I'll keep this short. There is one thing I'd like to add, though, and that's that this bit from the prologue rubbed me the wrong way:

Over the course of my lifespan, everything had been what it was for millions of children my age; it was normal. We hung out with friends, ate junk food, attended school, and got into trouble.

However, what exactly is reality?

So, the main character starts out talking about his life up until now, and then out of the blue he asks what reality is as if that's what he had been talking about earlier. I didn't dig the inexplicable jump between the retrospective and practical speech to the vague and philosophical question. It felt out of place. I would go so far to say that the whole prologue reads more smoothly without the second paragraph. I would either find a way to integrate that part of the prologue in a less obtrusive manner, or just remove it altogether.
​

One thing I did enjoy, however, was the end of the second chapter. Aside from some stumbles in how well the writing flowed ("You...Stabbed me...?" comes to mind), it was fairly exciting, and the last sentence left me wondering what was going to happen next.

Also, going by what Jax mentioned in her first reply, it seems that you've already applied substantial revision to this story, and I must say I'm impressed. Most writers around here don't bother with revising at all, and I have to admit I'm not the best at that myself.

This is far from being the worst I've read, and there were parts that I really enjoyed, such as Kevin seeing the girl being carried off on the TV in his dream, only to wake up and find the exact same thing happening. I think you have the potential for a good story and a decent thriller here, but I think that mostly depends on how well you handle the characters. As of now I haven't found them particularly endearing.

 

[Eeveemaster9]

Yes, I have very bad grammar. xD

Could I have some pointers on how to make my characters more...Realistic?

While I wait for a response, I'll fix up what you pointed out. :x

 

[icomeanon6]

Could I have some pointers on how to make my characters more...Realistic?

This is more subjective advice, so don't take it as infallible:

I think the keys are interaction between characters and consistency of description. One thing I noticed was that you described the servant's eyes as "confused," while to me his actions felt more laden with intent, even a little sadistic.

Also, the whole action-hero-ness of Kevin's escape scene felt overdone to me. Aside from the fact that if he can't stand up in the cage, he wouldn't be able to deliver that powerful of a kick, the whole standoff deal felt too much like it was being done by a hardened killer and a professional action star. If I were handling the scene, I would have had Kevin knife the other guy as soon as he got close when the cage was opened, and I would have removed the standoff, and just have the one shot be the one that wounds him.

You don't have to take my advice on this, and looking back, my judgment might have been more extreme than was warranted. There's really no easy fix-it for something as vague as what I'm talking about, and some other readers might totally disagree with what I'm saying, and they might be right. Here's a good pointer: keep writing, and keep reading. I've yet to know of a beginner who started out excellent, but I've known many non-excellent beginners who got much better after even just a year of practice. Over time you'll learn more about grammar and how it works (especially if you take a foreign language class!), and you'll find it easier to make your story match your vision.

 

[Eeveemaster9]

Y-yes sir! *Flails* Alright, now I really need to find a beta reader that specializes in grammar and characters...*Stalks half of PC*

Anon@
Just finished reading Gary Stu's Unpredictable Adventure, and I quite liked it. Though, I'm not one for random/Pokemon/Trainer stuff. *Murdered by PC*

 

[JX Valentine]

I'm going to try to avoid covering parts that I've already covered, in part because it's redundant and in part because it's incredibly awkward for me to go through parts of a fic that were changed based on an earlier review of mine and say, "Oh, wait, there's something else here I have to say." So... yeah.

One thing I have to note, though, is dialogue and paragraphing. The most basic rule you'll want to learn is that whenever you change speakers, you need to start a new paragraph. As in, if you stop talking about what Kevin is saying and start talking about what the female scientist is telling him, you need a new paragraph. There's two reasons for this. First, it's practical: it's easier for readers to figure out who's saying what. Second, it's just grammatically correct if you do because every new line of dialogue is a new topic. (Assume that the topic is "what [character] said," not "people are talking.")

So, for example, let's take a look at a portion of your story:

Spoiler:

I felt the blood drain from my face, and I shuddered. "Will it hurt?" I asked, looking at her carefully. She pulled out a dropper, a card, and a small device. "Not much." She mumbled, placing a drop of water on each section of the cards. I watched curiously, and leaned forward. She took out something else from her book, and opened the package concealing it; an alcohol pad. She reached over and took my hand, and I bit my lip. I watched as she cleaned the tip of my finger with the pad. She then took the small device, and placed it against the ring finger she had cleaned on my right hand. "Little sting." She mumbled as she pressed the top of the device. I felt a needle prick my finger, and she removed the needle to show that I was bleeding. She took a cotton stick, and dabbed my blood onto the end. I winced as she then rubbed the blood onto each section of the damp card on the floor. I watched as she swirled the card slightly, and my blood began to darkening on a certain section. She looked at the card carefully, and smiled. "AB. Alright. I'll be right back." With that, she packed up her things, walked off, and left me alone with the lights on.

Going by what I've just told you, the first thing you need to do is space it out like this:

Spoiler:

I felt the blood drain from my face, and I shuddered. "Will it hurt?" I asked, looking at her carefully.

She pulled out a dropper, a card, and a small device. "Not much." She mumbled, placing a drop of water on each section of the cards. I watched curiously, and leaned forward. She took out something else from her book, and opened the package concealing it; an alcohol pad. She reached over and took my hand, and I bit my lip. I watched as she cleaned the tip of my finger with the pad. She then took the small device, and placed it against the ring finger she had cleaned on my right hand. "Little sting." She mumbled as she pressed the top of the device. I felt a needle prick my finger, and she removed the needle to show that I was bleeding. She took a cotton stick, and dabbed my blood onto the end. I winced as she then rubbed the blood onto each section of the damp card on the floor. I watched as she swirled the card slightly, and my blood began to darkening on a certain section. She looked at the card carefully, and smiled. "AB. Alright. I'll be right back." With that, she packed up her things, walked off, and left me alone with the lights on.

Notice how there's now a separation between what Kevin is saying/doing and what the scientist is saying? That's the beginning of what you need to do to separate your paragraphs correctly.

But wait! There's something else you have to do!

See, you're also changing topics in this excerpt several times. To be more specific, a dialogue paragraph is just a quote, the tag (how it's being said or the "he said" part), and maybe what's going on at the exact time that the character is saying the quote. That's all. You don't go into what happens a minute later or anything like that. It's just a quote, the tag, and (maybe) the action that happens at the same time. To give you a better idea of what I mean, here's the same excerpt with proper spacing.

Spoiler:

I felt the blood drain from my face, and I shuddered.

"Will it hurt?" I asked, looking at her carefully.

She pulled out a dropper, a card, and a small device. "Not much," she mumbled, placing a drop of water on each section of the cards.

I watched curiously and leaned forward. She took out something else from her book, and opened the package concealing it -- an alcohol pad. She reached over and took my hand, and I bit my lip. I watched as she cleaned the tip of my finger with the pad. She then took the small device, and placed it against the ring finger she had cleaned on my right hand.

"Little sting," she mumbled as she pressed the top of the device.

I felt a needle prick my finger, and she removed the needle to show that I was bleeding. She took a cotton stick, and dabbed my blood onto the end. I winced as she then rubbed the blood onto each section of the damp card on the floor. I watched as she swirled the card slightly, and my blood began to darkening on a certain section.

She looked at the card carefully, and smiled. "AB. Alright. I'll be right back."

With that, she packed up her things, walked off, and left me alone with the lights on.

Notice that all of the action parts are separated in their own paragraphs, and the only things that go with the quotes are just the tags and what happens immediately before, after, or during the quote. You want to aim for something like that. It makes your paragraphs a little less unwieldy, which means it's easier for a reader to digest.

There's a few other grammatical issues in this excerpt (and scattered throughout the rest of your chapter), as you can see by a couple of corrections I've made in bold. (There's also a misplaced comma I took out. You can see where it is by comparing the corrected version with the original.) I noticed you're looking for a beta reader, so I won't say too much about this subject. However, I will say that it's really a good idea to Google grammar rules or check out the list of resources in Writer's Lounge. A good beta reader can only do so much for you, so it's just a good idea to try your hand at teaching yourself.

Google is, in general, a good tool to use, so don't be afraid to use it. If you search for "define: (insert word here)," for example, you can actually use it as a pretty reliable dictionary. That way, you can avoid using words that don't exactly mean what you want them to mean in the context that you have. For example, there's the notes that anon mentioned, but in this chapter as well, there's also the word "anticipated" – as in, "What kind of tests anticipated me?" Unfortunately, even if you personified tests, this implies that they're looking forward to dealing with him – as if he's going to be a challenge or as if they're excited or anxious about contacting him. The word just conveys too much emotion for a non-human object. You could say the reverse, however: "What kind of tests am I anticipating?" But even then, this manages to imply that Kevin both knows and doesn't know what's about to come next.

Anyway, let's get into the story proper. As I've said, I'm trying not to cover any point of the story I've already checked out, so I'll start off at the point where the scientist is drawing Kevin's blood.

I'm wondering a bit about why she needed to find his blood type. While there's a variety of reasons why one would need to draw blood in general (testing for various diseases, blood chemical levels, DNA testing, presence of certain antibodies, you name it), blood type is a piece of data that isn't quite as useful. At the very most, it can determine whether or not a character is eligible for an organ transplant or transfusion, but that's about it. Even if that was the case, there's a couple of other small notes you'll probably want to keep in mind.

1. You can actually test for this kind of thing without the patient being awake anyway. Given the fact that Kevin was kept in a cage, I'm pretty sure they probably wouldn't have cared about ethics (i.e., doing this kind of test while he was unconscious).

2. Getting his blood type wouldn't necessarily mean he's a perfect candidate for all types of transfusion/transplantation. I mean, he could receive plasma, but that's about it, pretty much.

Beyond that, the knife. It feels like you were almost lampshading (you can read about what that means here) a plot hole by having Kevin just realize that he has a knife in his pocket and by having him question how he could have not noticed it. Pointing out its appearance unfortunately does two things. First off, it makes the knife seem even more random because it's like a character is openly acknowledging that it came out of nowhere. Second, because of the first point, it becomes hard to take it seriously. The reason why is because lampshade hanging is usually done for comedic effect – like a character is pointing it out sarcastically. Not only that, but the appearance of it makes it feel more like a deus ex machina than a plot point you wanted to include in the story from the beginning. (In other words, it feels like you just came up with it right now instead of at the beginning of the scene.)

Besides that, it's a bit of a gap in logic. Kevin was taken against his will and forced into a cage. The people who did that would most likely have noticed the weapon just by handling him, and if they didn't, they would have probably searched him in order to take weapons away from him. After all, the last thing they need is for him to whip out a weapon and attempt to kill one of the personnel (like he actually did) before they can get a chance to explain why he's there or before that personnel can fulfill what's probably an important duty. (Imagine if Kevin found the knife before the female scientist came in. Most likely, given his mental state, he would have used it on her. That's just not good.) So, yeah, it's odd that they let him keep the knife/that they didn't search him properly.

I'm also willing to buy that the mook couldn't aim properly, but it seems weird that he hit Kevin's palm. In order for that to happen, Kevin's palm would have actually needed to be facing his victim at the time, and people just don't run like that. Also, to make this less of a nitpick, if you injure the palm by piercing it (which that bullet would do, considering how close Kevin is to the gun), you're looking at a loss of use. As in, there's a lot of tendons and muscles and bones in your palm that allow you to use your fingers. If those are cut off (by a bullet, for example), that hand's probably not going to be very useful to Kevin for quite awhile. Remember: whenever you give your characters serious injuries, they'll always have consequences you'll need to keep in mind. Some of those consequences could be pretty important to a character later on. (And it would be pretty cool if you did remember to make it an important fact, hence why I'm mentioning it at all right here.)

Other than that, I sort of felt the same way as anon did about how the escape paragraph felt a little too action-star-ish. My advice is pull up a blank word document and type out everything you know about Kevin – where he comes from, what kinds of things he'd know, that sort of thing. Think about people you actually know and what you know about the place where he grew up (or even what you know about the place you based his home on). These details will help you figure out who he is as a person as well as what he would and wouldn't know. I say this because it was off-putting to see a character who, as far as we (the readers) can tell from the first chapter, is just an ordinary guy pulling a Chuck Norris on his captor. So, it ends up feeling like it's out of left field because we're inclined to think no kid would be able to roundhouse kick a mook like that (as anon said), and it feels like it was just done to look cool.

So, yes. Good characterization starts off just by knowing who your characters are. That requires doing a bit of planning beforehand – writing notes about them (as I've said earlier), watching how people who are like those characters act in the real world, thinking a lot about their character history and culture, that sort of thing. Once you get all that done, it'll be easier to figure out what your characters' limitations are, which means you're less inclined to have that character deliver a roundhouse kick a la Chuck Norris. Or, for that matter, smirking when he killed someone if it's his first murder. (Particularly when he did all of this in self-defense, not for the pleasure of it.)

I will have to say, though, that the ending paragraph was actually a good cliffhanger. It contained some good description, and it showed off a bit more of the female scientist's characterization. The latter's particularly interesting to me because that kind smile she showed followed by the icy look and her line makes it harder to figure out if she's complete evil or if Kevin's going to be used as a guinea pig for the good guys. It also makes me wonder about Alia's fate, considering she was ushered through to another room without much in the way of a protest from her. (Not to mention that kind smile from the female scientist.) I'll have to agree with anon. It asks a lot of the right questions that entice the reader to keep watching for the next installment.

So, in short, I can see you're getting better, and I wish you luck with finding a beta. Just be careful about the smaller details because although they might seem small, sometimes, they'll actually imply something important that you probably didn't intend.

 

[Eeveemaster9]

One thing I have to note, though, is dialogue and paragraphing. The most basic rule you'll want to learn is that whenever you change speakers, you need to start a new paragraph. As in, if you stop talking about what Kevin is saying and start talking about what the female scientist is telling him, you need a new paragraph. There's two reasons for this. First, it's practical: it's easier for readers to figure out who's saying what. Second, it's just grammatically correct if you do because every new line of dialogue is a new topic. (Assume that the topic is "what [character] said," not "people are talking.")

So, for example, let's take a look at a portion of your story:

Spoiler:

I felt the blood drain from my face, and I shuddered. "Will it hurt?" I asked, looking at her carefully. She pulled out a dropper, a card, and a small device. "Not much." She mumbled, placing a drop of water on each section of the cards. I watched curiously, and leaned forward. She took out something else from her book, and opened the package concealing it; an alcohol pad. She reached over and took my hand, and I bit my lip. I watched as she cleaned the tip of my finger with the pad. She then took the small device, and placed it against the ring finger she had cleaned on my right hand. "Little sting." She mumbled as she pressed the top of the device. I felt a needle prick my finger, and she removed the needle to show that I was bleeding. She took a cotton stick, and dabbed my blood onto the end. I winced as she then rubbed the blood onto each section of the damp card on the floor. I watched as she swirled the card slightly, and my blood began to darkening on a certain section. She looked at the card carefully, and smiled. "AB. Alright. I'll be right back." With that, she packed up her things, walked off, and left me alone with the lights on.

Going by what I've just told you, the first thing you need to do is space it out like this:

Spoiler:

I felt the blood drain from my face, and I shuddered. "Will it hurt?" I asked, looking at her carefully.

She pulled out a dropper, a card, and a small device. "Not much." She mumbled, placing a drop of water on each section of the cards. I watched curiously, and leaned forward. She took out something else from her book, and opened the package concealing it; an alcohol pad. She reached over and took my hand, and I bit my lip. I watched as she cleaned the tip of my finger with the pad. She then took the small device, and placed it against the ring finger she had cleaned on my right hand. "Little sting." She mumbled as she pressed the top of the device. I felt a needle prick my finger, and she removed the needle to show that I was bleeding. She took a cotton stick, and dabbed my blood onto the end. I winced as she then rubbed the blood onto each section of the damp card on the floor. I watched as she swirled the card slightly, and my blood began to darkening on a certain section. She looked at the card carefully, and smiled. "AB. Alright. I'll be right back." With that, she packed up her things, walked off, and left me alone with the lights on.

Notice how there's now a separation between what Kevin is saying/doing and what the scientist is saying? That's the beginning of what you need to do to separate your paragraphs correctly.

But wait! There's something else you have to do!

See, you're also changing topics in this excerpt several times. To be more specific, a dialogue paragraph is just a quote, the tag (how it's being said or the "he said" part), and maybe what's going on at the exact time that the character is saying the quote. That's all. You don't go into what happens a minute later or anything like that. It's just a quote, the tag, and (maybe) the action that happens at the same time. To give you a better idea of what I mean, here's the same excerpt with proper spacing.

Spoiler:

I felt the blood drain from my face, and I shuddered.

"Will it hurt?" I asked, looking at her carefully.

She pulled out a dropper, a card, and a small device. "Not much," she mumbled, placing a drop of water on each section of the cards.

I watched curiously and leaned forward. She took out something else from her book, and opened the package concealing it -- an alcohol pad. She reached over and took my hand, and I bit my lip. I watched as she cleaned the tip of my finger with the pad. She then took the small device, and placed it against the ring finger she had cleaned on my right hand.

"Little sting," she mumbled as she pressed the top of the device.

I felt a needle prick my finger, and she removed the needle to show that I was bleeding. She took a cotton stick, and dabbed my blood onto the end. I winced as she then rubbed the blood onto each section of the damp card on the floor. I watched as she swirled the card slightly, and my blood began to darkening on a certain section.

She looked at the card carefully, and smiled. "AB. Alright. I'll be right back."

With that, she packed up her things, walked off, and left me alone with the lights on.

Ah, alright. I wasn't sure if that was correct. I'll be sure to study grammar then.

I'm wondering a bit about why she needed to find his blood type. While there's a variety of reasons why one would need to draw blood in general (testing for various diseases, blood chemical levels, DNA testing, presence of certain antibodies, you name it), blood type is a piece of data that isn't quite as useful. At the very most, it can determine whether or not a character is eligible for an organ transplant or transfusion, but that's about it.

*Snickers* Not going to explain, but it's a major part in the story.

Beyond that, the knife. It feels like you were almost lampshading (you can read about what that means here) a plot hole by having Kevin just realize that he has a knife in his pocket and by having him question how he could have not noticed it. Pointing out its appearance unfortunately does two things. First off, it makes the knife seem even more random because it's like a character is openly acknowledging that it came out of nowhere. Second, because of the first point, it becomes hard to take it seriously. The reason why is because lampshade hanging is usually done for comedic effect – like a character is pointing it out sarcastically. Not only that, but the appearance of it makes it feel more like a deus ex machina than a plot point you wanted to include in the story from the beginning. (In other words, it feels like you just came up with it right now instead of at the beginning of the scene.)

Besides that, it's a bit of a gap in logic. Kevin was taken against his will and forced into a cage. The people who did that would most likely have noticed the weapon just by handling him, and if they didn't, they would have probably searched him in order to take weapons away from him. After all, the last thing they need is for him to whip out a weapon and attempt to kill one of the personnel (like he actually did) before they can get a chance to explain why he's there or before that personnel can fulfill what's probably an important duty. (Imagine if Kevin found the knife before the female scientist came in. Most likely, given his mental state, he would have used it on her. That's just not good.) So, yeah, it's odd that they let him keep the knife/that they didn't search him properly.

Can't explain. Answered in Chapter 3.

I'm also willing to buy that the mook couldn't aim properly, but it seems weird that he hit Kevin's palm. In order for that to happen, Kevin's palm would have actually needed to be facing his victim at the time, and people just don't run like that. Also, to make this less of a nitpick, if you injure the palm by piercing it (which that bullet would do, considering how close Kevin is to the gun), you're looking at a loss of use. As in, there's a lot of tendons and muscles and bones in your palm that allow you to use your fingers. If those are cut off (by a bullet, for example), that hand's probably not going to be very useful to Kevin for quite awhile. Remember: whenever you give your characters serious injuries, they'll always have consequences you'll need to keep in mind. Some of those consequences could be pretty important to a character later on. (And it would be pretty cool if you did remember to make it an important fact, hence why I'm mentioning it at all right here.)

Well, you'd have trouble aiming too if you were just stabbed in the gut~
(I prefer the name The Dragging Boy, TDB) And, you are very correct on the whole palm thing. I suppose I'll change that to just "hand"? I know his hand won't be very useful, but I'm seriously wounding him anyhow.

Other than that, I sort of felt the same way as anon did about how the escape paragraph felt a little too action-star-ish. My advice is pull up a blank word document and type out everything you know about Kevin – where he comes from, what kinds of things he'd know, that sort of thing. Think about people you actually know and what you know about the place where he grew up (or even what you know about the place you based his home on). These details will help you figure out who he is as a person as well as what he would and wouldn't know. I say this because it was off-putting to see a character who, as far as we (the readers) can tell from the first chapter, is just an ordinary guy pulling a Chuck Norris on his captor. So, it ends up feeling like it's out of left field because we're inclined to think no kid would be able to roundhouse kick a mook like that (as anon said), and it feels like it was just done to look cool.

LMAO Chuck Norris....Alright, ya got me there.

So, yes. Good characterization starts off just by knowing who your characters are. That requires doing a bit of planning beforehand – writing notes about them (as I've said earlier), watching how people who are like those characters act in the real world, thinking a lot about their character history and culture, that sort of thing. Once you get all that done, it'll be easier to figure out what your characters' limitations are, which means you're less inclined to have that character deliver a roundhouse kick a la Chuck Norris. Or, for that matter, smirking when he killed someone if it's his first murder. (Particularly when he did all of this in self-defense, not for the pleasure of it.)

Heh, I'm going to look for a boy in my class that acts like Kevin then! Also...Yeah, I'll change that whole smirking thing. Perhaps he is crazed that he just stabbed someone? Gives off a crazed smile with huge eyes?

I will have to say, though, that the ending paragraph was actually a good cliffhanger. It contained some good description, and it showed off a bit more of the female scientist's characterization. The latter's particularly interesting to me because that kind smile she showed followed by the icy look and her line makes it harder to figure out if she's complete evil or if Kevin's going to be used as a guinea pig for the good guys. It also makes me wonder about Alia's fate, considering she was ushered through to another room without much in the way of a protest from her. (Not to mention that kind smile from the female scientist.) I'll have to agree with anon. It asks a lot of the right questions that entice the reader to keep watching for the next installment.

This compliment means a lot, thankies! I personally like this female scientist as a character, so...xD

 

[Eeveemaster9]

Chapter 3 – Blood Trails

"What the Hell do you mean I passed?!" I shout out, not in the least bit worried who heard. This whole thing was extremely irritating. To be locked in a cage knowing of my pending doom with a sore back and empty stomach was not a good combination; and I was going to take it out on my enemies. No matter what this woman told me, she was my enemy. She was no friend of mine, just some crazy freak. The pain in my hand was unbearable, and it was all her fault.

The woman batted her eyelashes at me as though it was common sense what she was talking about.; another irritating feature of her. Couldn't she be a little less vague?! She opened her mouth to speak, but what came out of her mouth was not the answer I was dying to know; literally. "Faust, I told you not to injure the boy." She spoke calmly, and her eyes shifted behind me. I twisted my body behind me, and my mouth hung open in disbelief

"You shouldn't be able to walk with that injury!" I exclaimed, staring at the dragging boy's stomach wound. There he was, standing against the doorframe as he clutched his stab wound. He was in pain, and I could tell by his stricken face. He looked at me for a moment, and anger rested in his light green eyes. I swallowed hard, before noticing that his gun was gone from his grip.

"I'm sorry, milady." He breathed, looking at the woman behind me. He gave a sort of bow, before toppling to his knees in exhaustion. I hoped I had hit some precious organs in my attempt to get away; he deserved every inch of pain he got. "...I hadn't meant for the bullet to hit him. I was meaning to scare him." He explained, eyeing the floor. I snorted, and looked down at my palm. Yup, total accident that he hit my hand. I probably won't be able to use it for quite some time thanks to him...

The woman walked toward the dragging boy from behind me, and I expected her to send him off to death's bed. However, she spoke again. "Raise your head." She commanded, looking down at the hair atop his head. He slowly raised his head as instructed, but he was soon whisked across the face with the woman's hand, and he righted himself with his weak hands. He had just been slapped by the woman. I blinked back my surprise, and looked from the boy to his 'milady'. I didn't dare to speak up.

"Go wash up and have lunch prepared, Faust." The woman ordered, looking down at the boy. He raised his head, his cheek red from where she had slapped him. "Y-yes…Milady." He mumbled, standing up carefully and stumbling out. The woman turned her gaze towards me, and I stopped, staring back. It would be no exaggeration to say that with was the most terrifying woman I had ever met. She walked back to me, and looked me over, stopping at my wounded hand. Before she could say anything to me (Or strike me for that matter) I jumped as a cackling laugh came from above me. The woman's eyes widened, she grabbed my good hand, and whisked me off in a random direction. I looked back just to see an older woman come into view with bloodthirsty eyes and...What was that?

~~~

I wasn't really paying attention to exactly where the woman was taking me, but I didn't really care at this point. I was still rather shocked from what I had just witnessed. I could have just been my mind in overdrive, but it seemed like the woman ahead of me was more angered about my injury than Faust's. Yes...Faust must be his name, since she addressed him with it. But, I didn't know this woman's name, and for all I knew, she was protecting me from him. By the way Faust addressed her as milady, and this extravagant house, he was probably a servant, and she was one of the masters of the house.

The woman suddenly stopped, and I ended up smacking into her back. I was out of breath, while she looked like that run was a breeze. Who the Hell was she? I gave my surrounding a look-through, and that's when I realized how horrifying it was.

I hadn't noticed, but we must have gone down a flight of stairs, because we were now in a sort of basement. Actually, this basement was more like a dungeon. With stone covering every inch of space, there were two forked hallways; one going to my left, and the other on my right. Light fixtures were plastered into the ceiling, but they weren't overly bright. What really spooked me out were the iron doors spaced neatly apart on the opposing walls, and the awful smell of sweat, blood, and that horrible hospital-like smell. Not a good combination in my mind.

I glanced around nervously, before looking at the woman. I had not noticed before, but she was slightly taller than me, and if you took away from the fact that she was a murdering psychopath, she was actually very beautiful and easy to become attracted to. She didn't seem like much of a social person, however, because the last time she talked was about half an hour ago, and she didn't give me any explanation to who she was, where I was, and why the heck I was here.
The woman looked back at me just as I was admiring how thick her hair was, and we locked eyes for about ten seconds. Her stare was intense but, but I found myself managing not to crumble. Her deep green eyes weren't angry, happy, or sad. They held no emotion and I felt myself being dragged into a daze, when suddenly she turned away from me and began walking down the left hallway. I hesitated briefly, before deciding to follow after her. It was then that I realized I had been holding my breath, and I exhaled slowly as not to draw attention to myself. However, I found myself holding in the horrible air yet again as I glanced behind my back. We were the only living beings down here and… The stairs were in view. I turned back to the woman, and examined her for weapons as best I could from this angle. She didn't seem to having anything on her, but…
I took one final exhale as I slowed to a halt, my eyes trained nervously on the woman. Beads of sweat began forming on my forehead and hands, but she didn't slow her pace or give any sign she had noticed the distance growing between us. Swallowing hard, I dared myself to take a step back. One step and the woman still didn't halter. I take another, braver step back, and I lowered my breathing. Not a single reaction physically.
I turned in the opposite direction, and broke into a run; adrenaline coursing throughout my body. I could escape! There was no way she could catch up from this distance, and I was positive she didn't have a gun. I looked behind my back as my arms pumped at my sides, and I was surprised to see that she had finally noticed, and was watching as I ran off. Was she letting me go?
Before I knew it, shouting voices filled my ears as I found myself pushed down onto my knees with my arms pinned forcefully to my back. I let out a barely audible moan from the pain, and I looked up slightly to process what the heck just happened. Let's go back and show that in slow motion, shall we?
Just as I turned back my head after seeing the woman standing there, I nearly ran into about half dozen men and women crowding into my path from the stairs. They began shouting as they saw me, and two of the men within the group charged at me, instantly having me down within seconds. I coughed as someone shoved my head down, and I listened as a pair of feet approached me and a figure crouched down in front of me. The grip on my head and arms loosened, and I painfully shook out my hands while looking ahead of me. Just like when I was in the cage, the woman was before me, and looked at my face intently. She placed her delicate hand under my chin, and raised my face so we were eye-to-eye.
"Do you not want me to patch up your hand?" She asked lightly, gazing down at my grossly red hand as I massaged it. I felt my whole body shiver and I choked out an answer.
"P-please do, um…Ma'am." I heard the people behind me whispering, but I blocked them out, and concentrated on the woman. She didn't smile nor frown, and looked over my head.
"One of you, fetch some bandaged or something. The rest of you can leave." Without a word, four of the people walked past us, and the remaining person ran off.
We were alone yet again, and I watched as the woman focused her attention to my wounded hand.
"Do I frighten you?" The question was so sudden and direct; it took a moment for me to realize what she had just said. I lowered my head in regret.
"Yes ma'am." There was no point in lying to myself or her, and I sat down on my knees in exhaustion. The woman was silent as she moved her fingers around the blood. I could hear someone approaching us from behind, and I watched as the woman extended her arm past me to retrieve the bandages. Instantly the man ran off. She was careful as she cleaned my wound, and within minutes it was fully bandaged and hurting a lot less.
"I noticed you can only move a few fingers. I'll find a way to fix that." She mumbled, standing up and brushing herself off. I wasn't sure of her intent with those words, but I began to trust her a little more. I slowly stood as well, and turned my bandaged hand over to look at it.
"I don't know your name, where I am, or why I'm here. I'm confused because I was in a cage, shot at, and now you tended my wound. What do you want with me? Aren't you angry that I stabbed that Faust boy?" I confronted, grabbing the woman's wrist before she turned away. She looked down at the wrist I was holding, and lightly shook me off.
"I can't answer for now, but I'll tell you this," she paused to think, and looked at me directly. "…Even though I'm not intentionally on your side, I will tell you that I planted the knife on you. You may not remember, but soon after I left, you fell asleep. You passed one of my tests by stabbing Faust, and that brought you one step closer to owning your life again."
Her words ringed in my ears like an echo, and I stared into her eyes in disbelief. That was why I had not noticed the knife, and it was so oddly placed. She had given me a chance to obtain life, and…I only passed one of her possibly many tests.

 

[Eeveemaster9]

Chapter 4 – Silver Strands

More walking, but it was a little less silent this time, and I'm not saying that I and she had a heart-filled conversation.

As I walked beside the woman after my fill of information, it became awkward very quickly.

"What's that noise?" I asked her, glancing down at each of the doors we passed. It was like a low moan of pain combined with the sound of a generator and saw-machine. I shivered just at the thought, and lowered my eyesight to the ground.

"…Nothing of concern." She answered, although the pause before answering had me thinking horrible thoughts. It had been the same, unchanged scenery for quite some time now, but finally I could see where the hallway finished with massive double doors like the ones in the entrance hall.

"Where are you taking me? Why can't I go home now?" The woman grabbed my wrist, and looked at my face unkindly with a look of dismay written upon it.

"You can't go home now because I say so. I'm taking you to a place where you will…Hopefully be safe." What did she mean hopefully? I frowned as she let go of my wrist, and walked swiftly to a door on my right. It seemed to be a closet, and she took out a stain-less white lab coat along with a clip-board. She threw them into my arms, and walked to the opposite door, which was quite peculiar compared to the previous doors. It seemed thicker than most of the doors I had seen, and there was about half dozen different locks against it. Unlike the other doors, it didn't have a window, even a small one. Glancing back at me, the woman began working on the first combination lock. "I need you to do a job for me, and you cannot leave until you complete it, or…You die." She moved to the next lock after a satisfying click from the first one. "You're lucky your blood test was abnormal from Alia's. That's the only reason why I have spared you thus far. Put that coat on. You will pose as a scientist working on a specimen in here. Your co-workers will be arriving shortly, and you will meet the specimen during their…Tests." She moved to the next lock.

"Whoa, hold on! Why the heck am I doing this? Posing as a scientist? Why can't you do that? You certainly fit the role!" I snorted a laugh, but was stopped when the woman turned a powerful glare at me.

"I can't because I am not allowed to see this particular specimen. Besides, they know who I am, so it's not as easy for me to pose as you say." Her voice had an edge to it, so I came to the conclusion that she was irritated with me. Better watch what I say around this woman…

"Alright, got it…But why do I have to pose as a scientist? What do I have to do that you can't?" By now, she had completed all the locks, and she had twisted her body fully towards me.

"If you can figure that out on your own without my help, you will survive, and I can promise you a reward in return for this." She was giving me a reward for this? I sighed heavily and slipped the coat over my clean-cut black t-shirt, and adjusted the long sleeves to my taste. Huge pockets were on either side of my waist, so I slipped the pen from the keyboard into the right pocket. The woman nodded approvingly, and just as she turned to open the door, she stopped as though she suddenly remembered something. "Your injury will cause problems… Close your eyes." I blinked rapidly, and backed slightly from her as she grabbed my injured hand.

"I guess…But what are you going to do?" The woman shook her head, and I timidly closed my eyes. Almost instantaneously, a horrible pain coursed through my hand, and I squeezed my eyes in pain. "What are you doing?!" I snapped, jerking my hand away. I opened my eyes angrily, only to find that the woman had not a single thing in hand, and my own injured hand looked utterly unharmed. I touched the bandages, and instantly I was surprised to see that I could feel the touch, and the unexpected pain had vanished. I looked up at her in bewilderment, and gradually undid the bandages as she watched. "Oh my God…What did you do?" I breathed, flexing my fingers. All ten of my fingers moved, and I examined my injured hand in disbelief. This must be some sort of trick. My wound…The bullet wound…Was gone.

As I took in the display of the clean hand, I noticed that the woman had pressed a ring of keys into my other. Was she some sort of witch or something? I mean…This was insane! Impossible!

"Hurry now or I'll call back Faust to shoot you again." I swallowed at her threat, and I took it serious one-hundred percent. Such a frightening woman…I nodded in agreement, and watched as she opened the heavy metal doors. The lights were on in the other room, and I could make out some lab equipment from where I stood. I sucked in a last breath of air, before striding boldly into the room; only to have the door close securely behind me before I could shout out in surprise. Before me, were probably the most nauseating and appalling things I had ever seen.

It was like one of those crazy science labs in the movies. The room was gigantic, and almost every inch of this room had something to cover it. Off in one corner of the room was what I assumed to be a horizontal wind tunnel. The other was a complicated maze. Off by the door, there was a long table that had microscopes and jars of unidentified liquids. Everything looked high-tech and expensive. Horrifyingly, I recognized that some of the jars contained eyeballs. Eyeballs! I held in what little I had in my stomach, and processed the rest of the room. There was a generator off to the left, and it seemed like one could go inside it by the door.

Just as the woman had said, about five minutes later I heard the door unlock behind me, and four men, three women, filed into the room and stretched themselves amongst the equipment. Almost none of them acknowledged my existence excluding a skinny fellow that approached me right away. He was dressed differently from the others, so I instantly thought of him as the boss of sorts. Did scientists have bosses?

"Good afternoon, sir! Are you perhaps new here? I noticed that you were here beforehand…Who sent you?" His voice was enthusiastic and cheerful; the complete opposite of everyone else. I blinked in puzzlement, and straightened my back as I spoke.

"Uh, yes sir. The name is…Kevin. I don't know the name of the person who sent me, but…" I looked around anxiously as the scientists freaked out at an experiment they had performed. The man raised his hand, and he shook his silky black hair.

"No need for a name if you can't remember! Welcome! The names' Kuze! I'll give you a brief overlay of the equipment before we move on, hm?" He took me by my shoulder, and directed me around for about an hour; explaining what each and every thing did. Whenever we ran into another 'co-worker', Kuze would have them introduce themselves to me. One woman with bleach blonde hair and brown eyes was Arial, but the rest I couldn't remember for the life of me.

The scientists were becoming impatient, so Kuze announced that we would begin work on "Specimen Eleven". I gave him a frown, but he didn't seem to notice as him, Arial, and another man made their way to the back door. I pretended to be working on something on the table, but I was secretly watching them as they fiddled with the door. Once they had it opened, they all faded into a dark room, and appeared a few minutes later; with a struggling little girl in their arms.

 

[Eeveemaster9]

Chapter 5 – Cold Hands

The little girl was petrified and literally a skeleton under her small, tattered dress. The dress may perhaps have once been a beautiful color, but it was now discoloured an atrocious grey color. Her head tossed side to side as she looked at the science equipment, and she began to cry. She had exceptionally long golden locks that were messed and fuzzy. Her eyes were a darker gold, and they shone with the tears in her eyes. Her feeble, slim arms and legs flailed in the adults grasp, but she soon gave up and sulked. I couldn't help but grimace and turn away at this scene. I was angry. No child should be treated like this…Next thing I knew, my co-workers had plopped the young girl at my feet, and she stared up at me with her childish eyes. She was perhaps six, I guessed, but she was probably older. She had absolutely no build to her bones, and I could see that the dress was easily made to make her look healthier than she was. I swallowed and knelt down face-to-face with the girl as Kuze began to talk.

"So, Kev! This is specimen eleven that we're working on! Isn't she a lovely doll?" He stretched down his tall figure to pinch the girl's cheeks, and she shrieked in pain. I was surprised there was even skin to grab onto, so it probably hurt quite a bit. He laughed at her reaction, and pulled back his hand. "Well, I think whoever assigned you here knew of what happened to old Grey…" He frowned and gave the girl a small nudge with his foot. "So you're assigned to the maze stage! It's easy; all you have to do is press a button! Works up thumb muscles!" He laughed and pulled the girl up to her feet; having Arial and the other man push the little girl over to the huge maze in the corner. It was at least a kilo mile long, and it looked very complicated by the map I saw on the table a few minutes ago. The girl stumbled to the entrance, and Ariel strapped a metal cuff around the girls' left ankle. Then I was given a box of metal with several switches and buttons. Everyone seemed excited, and I heard a man whisper about this being the best maze they had created for her. I mumbled in disgust. What they were doing to this girl was inhuman. They were treating her like an animal, if not worse! I clutched the box as Kuze approached my side with a table on wheels. Instantly everyone crowded around it. It was an aerial view of the maze, and let me tell you…It was horrible, yet brilliant. It would be impossible for this girl to make it through! I glanced back at the shivering girl as Kuze began to talk again. "So Kev, this being your first time, I'll just tell you when to press which button! Soon you'll get the hang of it~!" He gave another laugh, and looked down at his silver rimmed watch. "In three seconds, press button number one. Three…Two…One…Now!" My fingers jerked to the first button, and immediately when I pressed it, the girl cried in pain as I saw electricity shoot from the cuff, and she began running into the maze. Everyone nodded in satisfaction, and turned their attention to the screen. The girl was weaving through the different paths, and had amazingly not run into any dead-ends yet. I felt like throwing up. Without knowing so until it was too late, I had been given the job of electrocuting this girl with the press of a button.

I watched as the girl made it to the half-way mark, and suddenly began slowing down. It was obvious she was tired, and I could see how she couldn't even run in a straight line down the maze. The shorter man to my right muttered in disgust, and then spoke up. "She's going too slow! How are we going to monitor her condition if she does that at such an important turnoff?! Press button three!" Before I could shout out in disapproval, the man reached over and jabbed the third button from the top left, and a loud shriek emitted. I watched on the screen as specimen eleven was shocked powerfully, and sped up. Everyone chuckled, and began walking off around the maze. I followed them hesitantly with disgust. Oh, how I wished I could plop these jerks in the maze and electrocute them! Just as we made it to the other end, I saw by a quick glance at the screen that she had almost finished the maze. I then saw her running weakly from the finish, and as soon as she came out, she coughed out air and fell to her knees. I couldn't take it anymore, and ran to her side; rubbing her back as she took heavy breaths of air.

Kuze was nodding in approval as though his son had just gotten a touch-down in football, and he gave a thumb up. "These results are more than hoped for! She had beaten all the other subjects in total time! Look, ten point thirty seven minutes!" Everyone clapped and I saw Ariel rub her hands together evilly. The man that had jabbed the button to electrocute her in the maze was hysterical. "Oooh man! I can't wait to get a sample of that brain power! Her skills are amazing! Can't we just put her under the saw now?" I gasped and hugged the girl lightly as I wiped the sweat from her face.

Kuze shook his head in disapproval. "No no, Lady Scarlet wants her alive for now. We can do that after. Besides, we have plenty more tests for her!" My emotions were jumbled together, and I stared up in horror at the scientists. I was happy she wouldn't be killed just as I met her, but I felt awful that she wasn't finished with. All these people were disgustingly horrible! What did this child ever do to them?!

I backed away from the girl with regret as Ariel walked over with a bottle of water. She gave it to Specimen eleven, and the girl gulped it down thirstily. Ariel smirked, and pulled out a small needle after she was done. "Good girl…" The little child stared at the needle, and just when Ariel brought the needle up to her face, I gasped. She was going to put that into the girls face! Just as I was about to stop her, Ariel shrieked and punched subject eleven across the room and the girl smacked hard against the wall of the maze.

"What happened?!" Kuze roared, running over to Ariel who was bleeding between her index and thumb. A man rushed over to their side, and they all seemed more concerned about Ariel than the little girl

"Ariel was about to give it the needle, and it bit her, so she punched it!" I pushed my teeth together in disgust. They called this girl an it! She wasn't an it!

Kuze frowned and pulled the swearing Ariel up to her feet. "Don't wreck our subjects next time, mkay? Go have that disinfected." Ariel muttered in reply, and quickly disappeared behind the maze with the short man. Kuze looked over at the crying girl, and she was already beginning to get a bruise on her cheek from the powerful hit. "Hrm…Well, let's move onto the wind tunnel, then."

~~~

After some fixing up of the child's bruise, we moved around the maze over to the wind tunnel. It was a huge tube with an entrance at the back, and a fan at the front. On the outside of the tube were the controls for what I guessed to be the fan. I frowned, and held the little girl's hand and walked over to the entrance. I had to stop acting kind; I had to play along. I pushed her into the tube, and locked the door behind her in regret. I then walked over to the others that were circled around the transparent tube, and watched as the little girl stood in the center of the tube; staring at the huge fan. "Put wind at twenty an hour to start her off." Kuze ordered the man at the controls. The chubby man nodded, and pulled a lever and pushed several buttons. Slowly, the fan inside came to life, and I saw the girl being blown back slightly. What made me jumped next was what happened to her back. Metal wings were extending out.

They obviously weren't natural, and they looked really awkward on the girl. Metal wings…I sat down as not to pass out, and I stared. The girl looked at me through the tube, and pushed herself from the ground and taking flight against the wind. Kuze nodded in approval once again, and pointed up. I watched as the wind sped up, and a dial on the screen showing how fast the wind was now. Forty miles an hour. For the next twenty minutes, the speed of the wind raised until nearly a two-hundred, before the little girl was slammed back against the back painfully by the wind. Everyone clapped, and secretly I was amazed. They grafted metal wings onto a human! That was…Amazing in itself. They turned off the wind, and I retrieved the tired girl from the tube, and gave her a drink of water and an apple. I ruffled her hair as she ate, and smiled lightly. "Hey there…I'm new here…Do you have a name?" The girl looked up with her terrified, exhausted eyes, and squeaked an answer. "M-my name is Marisa." She whispered, chewing on her apple. It was gone within seconds, and she sucked on the apple to eat as much as possible. She was starving, and that was an obvious fact. I looked around to find that nobody was within earshot, and I whispered back to her as I took away the dry core. "I'll try to sneak you some food later, Marisa. Just hang in there, alright?" She stared at me with disbelief, and nodded slowly.

For the next two hours, we did more unspeakable tests on Marisa, and at one point Ariel came back to watch a more gruesome one. Something told me she enjoyed Marisa's pain. Anyhow, I was glad it was finally over, and it was now just me, Marisa and Kuze left. Marisa was cuffed to a table as we cleaned up a splatter of blood from the floor. Kuze glanced at me as he stood up straight, and he cracked his neck. "Ouch. Well, I'm going home for today! Remember to take Marisa back to her room. Good night, Kev!" He gave me a warm pat on the back, gathered his things, and quickly left the room. Now I was alone with a child that had just been physically and mentally tortured for the past few hours. I looked back at her as I finished cleaning, and she curled up; whimpering.

I gave a heavy sigh, and dried my hands on my jeans. "Let me see if I can find something for you…Do these guys always do these things to you?" I asked, carefully uncovering her cuffs and off to search for food.

She stumbled over herself, and stared at me as she touched her wrists. "U-um….I guess….I-I mean…Yes sir." I frowned at her behaviour, but managed to find a fridge tucked at the front of the room. I gave a light smile, and picked a few things from the fridge before going back to Marisa. Her eyes widened in delight as I placed the food in front of her. Oranges, sandwiches…There was ever a small piece of vanilla cake that someone had forgotten. She reached out her hand to pick an orange, and then stopped to look back up at me. "A-are you sure?" She asked unsteadily, beginning to retract her hand.

I gave a frown and kneeled down in front of the food and her. "Go ahead. You look like you could use the food. They only fed you an apple and some water." Her eyes brightened in delight and she nodded rapidly, then picking up an orange and peeling the thick skin around it. For the next thirty minutes, I smiled and watched her eat everything I had brought her, along with a litre of punch juice I later found.

Piling the garbage neatly in a nearby bin, she gave me a grateful smile. It was such an innocent and kind smile, I almost forgot about what I saw being done to this child. If only I could do more for her… I reached out a hand and ruffled her hair. "I'm supposed to take you to your room…Could you show me where it is?" Marisa tilted her head slightly, but quickly took her small hand in mine. I was amazed at how soft her skin was.

She led me to the very back of the huge room, and that was when I remembered Kuze, Ariel, and the man taking her out from the back door. Was her room beyond that? She pulled me along carefully, and I followed. The door was still open when we came to its entrance, so I could already see what was on the other side. Marisa let go of my hand, and slowly walked into the next room, and then stopped as she surveyed it with me.

This place was officially a prison. Complete with a cell. The walls were bare and unpainted, and the floors cold seeped into my shoes. The room was small, but bigger than a regular room of a house. Ahead of the doorway on the opposite wall was a small table, and a box of toys was propped up on top along with an unused stool. On the far back right of the room was what made my stomach stir. Chains were moulded to the walls; all five of them. Marisa took a deep, unsettled breath, and turned to me with fearful eyes. "This is it. This is my room."

 

[Artemis Enzeru]

As previous readers said, it could use a bit of polish, but it's more grammar than anything to me. I'm not much of a nitpicker when it comes to stories, but I'll be more than happy to be a beta reader for you if you wish.