[Pokémon] The Riolu Man

[DracoLatch]

This story is based off of the super hero series at pokestar studios. . Enjoy.



Chapter 1: Not again!
This chapter may have some scenes that are seemingly horror but only to describe, not to scare. It may be slightly nerve wrecking but nothing to give you nightmares. It infers some violence is in it but is not specific.


As I am struck by the true wrath of fear, I can't get my mind off of the fact that this just may be the end of my life. I attempt to quietly walk on the tip of my toes, defiantly not running; to run would be to ask for my own death. The trees in the forest are gargantuan in size... Yet regardless of their size they appear to be changing size and location. It's been dark for hours- yet I didn't know it was midnight until I was frightened.

Something evil's lurking in the dark. I'd be dead if I had received a bigger fright. I can feel a small slick palm rub across my shoulder, causing me to jump back and check for a monster yet not a living thing was in sight. I turn back and start walking, knowing there isn't anything nearby. Lumoise City is not far from here, no doubt there will be a delay. It was then that it jumped into the air, it's eyes were large yet focused, it's ears were bigger than its head yet reeked of danger.

It's nose was that of a werewolf's, I knew because it was right in front of me. It was reading its final strike, ready to kill me instantly, yet it fell down flat on its two feet and stopped. The monsters wrist tilted downward to reveal a Luxury Ball. It stared me in the eye and smiled wickedly, I KNEW that ball was a trap.

As sinister and mysterious it was I felt a strange feeling that was seemingly speaking to my stomach which was crunched with fear... It was saying this was not a evil monster, but instead it was a pokemon. Regardless of its species I knew it was evil. It was about half my size- but likely two hundred times the power. This was when I completely lost my mind, snatching the Luxury Ball from his hand and throwing it with my right arm at its face as hard as I could, screaming " Die you demon! " it was then that everything disappeared.

 

[Nolafus]

And we should be back in business! So, thread re-opened.

 

[DracoLatch]

And we should be back in business! So, thread re-opened.

Thank you ver much man, sorry for the mistake.

 

[scprepschool]

You sir, just might be on to something. I like where this is going. Do one on the lumiose ghost girl

 

[Nolafus]

Alright, gave it a quick read through and I noticed a few things.

I attempt to quietly walk on the tip of my toes, defiantly not running; to run would be to ask for my own death.

Okay, I don't think you meant "defiantly" here. It's not used correctly since it means to do something just to counter something such as a rule or culture. I think you meant "definitely". It would make a lot more sense.

The trees in the forest are gargantuan in size... Yet regardless of their size they appear to be changing size and location.

I think you use the word "size" here way too much. It ruins the flow to have a word repeated a lot in such a short amount of space. I would use synonyms or reword it to get rid of some of the "size" words. I also don't think that ellipses (...) should be there. It just doesn't make that much sense to me. Another thing about this is that it creates an extremely confusing picture in my head. At first, you describe the trees as a fixed size, but then you say that the trees are changing in size. I think I know what you're trying to say, but this is a weird way to say it.

It's been dark for hours- yet I didn't know it was midnight until I was frightened.

I'm not seeing why this is there. The time isn't necessary to the plot, so this segment right here interrupts the flow. I expected for this sentence to become clear once I read the rest of the story, but it still confuses me. I don't think it should be included.

I can feel a small slick palm rub across my shoulder, causing me to jump back and check for a monster yet someone was there.

I don't think a person would turn around and continue walking if someone was there. I believe you meant "nobody". Also, there should be a comma between "small" and "slick" since they're two adjectives being used in a row to describe the same noun.

knowing there isn't nothing close.

"Nothing" isn't the right word to be used here. Even if you added this for voice, I cover that later on, and I still have a problem with it. The correct word would be "anything".

Limo use city is not far from here,

Do you mean "Lumiose City" here? Either way, the "city" should be capitalized in this instance because it's part of a name.

It was reading its final strike,

I doubt the... thing opened a book and starting reading up on how to do a final strike properly. I think the word you're looking for is "readying".

As sinister and mysterious it was...

There should be an "as" between "mysterious" and "it".

I like the voice you put into this. If I'm correct, you're trying to make it sound like the character is describing the scene to the reader. However, the reason I has issues with the "nothing" I pointed out earlier is because this falter in speech isn't consistent. It can add a lot to the story if done right, but since the character is using near perfect grammar up to this point, it stands out and interrupts the flow. Anyway, in case you added that to add to the voice, that's why I'm against it. If that was just a mistake, well... then I guess you learned why I have issues with that anyway. A really strong voice can be seen here and there, it's just a matter of honing in on it and spreading it throughout the piece.

As far as the concept goes, I like it. The execution needs a little work, but that's why you're here. So we can all learn together. The concept is very eerie and spooky, which is what I think you were going for. There are some definite strong points here, as well as an interesting start. I'm curious to see where you take this. Most of the issues were just surface things that's easily changeable, so that's good. If you do decide to update this week, I don't know if I'll be able to go through it because I have college finals (blah), but this is a pretty good start. Good job.

 

[DracoLatch]

You sir, just might be on to something. I like where this is going. Do one on the lumiose ghost girl

Aw thanks :D I'm not sure about the Lumiose Ghost. Girl... She sort of gives me the freaks xP this isn't s horror story, just starts out like one.

Alright, gave it a quick read through and I noticed a few things.

Okay, I don't think you meant "defiantly" here. It's not used correctly since it means to do something just to counter something such as a rule or culture. I think you meant "definitely". It would make a lot more sense.

I think you use the word "size" here way too much. It ruins the flow to have a word repeated a lot in such a short amount of space. I would use synonyms or reword it to get rid of some of the "size" words. I also don't think that ellipses (...) should be there. It just doesn't make that much sense to me. Another thing about this is that it creates an extremely confusing picture in my head. At first, you describe the trees as a fixed size, but then you say that the trees are changing in size. I think I know what you're trying to say, but this is a weird way to say it.

I'm not seeing why this is there. The time isn't necessary to the plot, so this segment right here interrupts the flow. I expected for this sentence to become clear once I read the rest of the story, but it still confuses me. I don't think it should be included.

I don't think a person would turn around and continue walking if someone was there. I believe you meant "nobody". Also, there should be a comma between "small" and "slick" since they're two adjectives being used in a row to describe the same noun.

"Nothing" isn't the right word to be used here. Even if you added this for voice, I cover that later on, and I still have a problem with it. The correct word would be "anything".

Do you mean "Lumiose City" here? Either way, the "city" should be capitalized in this instance because it's part of a name.

I doubt the... thing opened a book and starting reading up on how to do a final strike properly. I think the word you're looking for is "readying".

There should be an "as" between "mysterious" and "it".

I like the voice you put into this. If I'm correct, you're trying to make it sound like the character is describing the scene to the reader. However, the reason I has issues with the "nothing" I pointed out earlier is because this falter in speech isn't consistent. It can add a lot to the story if done right, but since the character is using near perfect grammar up to this point, it stands out and interrupts the flow. Anyway, in case you added that to add to the voice, that's why I'm against it. If that was just a mistake, well... then I guess you learned why I have issues with that anyway. A really strong voice can be seen here and there, it's just a matter of honing in on it and spreading it throughout the piece.

As far as the concept goes, I like it. The execution needs a little work, but that's why you're here. So we can all learn together. The concept is very eerie and spooky, which is what I think you were going for. There are some definite strong points here, as well as an interesting start. I'm curious to see where you take this. Most of the issues were just surface things that's easily changeable, so that's good. If you do decide to update this week, I don't know if I'll be able to go through it because I have college finals (blah), but this is a pretty good start. Good job.

Sorry for all the mistakes. I'm using an iPhone five so autocorrect is being a huge jerk on me for this story xD I'll fix then as soon as I can.

 

[Nolafus]

Don't apologize for mistakes. Everyone makes them, and it's impossible to not make one. Just try to proofread your chapter before you post it. Let it sit for a day and then read through it again. I guarantee that your writing quality will improve.