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[Pokémon] The Saint of Tancaron City

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    11
    Years
    • Seen Apr 5, 2015
    The Saint of Tancaron City
    Ben, Kristi and Wilson's story

    Synopsis
    Spoiler:


    Character Profiles
    Spoiler:


    Chapter One
    The End of Preparation, The Beginning of Perseverance.

    Benjamin always envied other regions around the Pokemon world. Starting a journey in the Truiz region, you had to be fourteen years old. In Yazun, it's thirteen. He even knew of some faraway regions like Kanto where kids started their journeys as young as ten years old. And here he was on Forez, just turned sixteen and about to start his journey. He and his Pokemon had been together for six years but never had they had a competitive battle in the Pokemon League system and finally that was about to change.

    His friends were even more so ready. Kristi, who also wanted to take part in the Pokemon League challenge, had turned sixteen two months ago but waited for Ben to be old enough so they could leave at the same time and Wilson, who didn't like to battle that often but loved photography, was in no rush to leave as he'd gladly sit in any city on any day taking pictures of Pokemon and their surroundings.

    All the waiting was over though, and Ben, Kristi and Wilson were all setting off today. They'd been planning for months, saving money, supplies and training their Pokemon. The rucksacks were packed, and strapped to their shoulders, goodbyes had been bid to their parents and all they had to do was leave.

    Of course, the first stop on their journey wasn't too far away, in the same city in fact. Ben, Kristi and Wilson all lived in Cosran City and the first gym leader resided here. Ben, preparing for his battle, had learned Gym Leader Vivian's team inside out.

    She always took part in two versus two battles and would always choose from her three favourite fairy Pokemon: Jigglypuff, Clefairy and Flabebe. All of her Pokemon had unique strategies, some that had amazed Ben when he went to see some Gym Battles and it was for that reason that he felt like he could win his first badge today. He was prepared. He had the knowledge. Now all he needed was the experience.

    "You nervous?" Kristi asked, with her Eevee cuddled up on her lap.

    They were sitting in the Pokemon centre, relaxing before Ben's scheduled battle at 3pm.

    "Not really..." Ben replied, "I've been waiting for this for so long."

    "Well, that's good." Kristi said, "Nervousness causes mistakes. Confidence is key. I'm expecting you to win so I can go in straight after and do the same thing. I'm not waiting any longer if you don't win today."

    Ben laughed, "Same for you."

    "Elek!"

    Ben turned to see his Elekid prodding him on the shoulder, and pointing to his empty food bowl.

    "You never stop eating, Elekid, do you?" Ben laughed and poured a portion of dry food into his bowl. Riolu, sitting next to Elekid, ate the rest of his food quietly and calmly, before moving the empty bowl to the middle of the table and jumping on to the floor.

    Riolu then started throwing air punches and kicks, shadow fighting in preparation for his upcoming gym battle.

    "Relax, Riolu." Ben said, "We trained this morning. You're prepared."

    "Ri!" Riolu shook his head and looked at Ben sternly, before continuing his workout.

    "This is gonna be great." Wilson interjected, "Two gym battles and I get to watch both of them... I'm sure to get some great shots."

    "Yeah, man, it's gonna be great." Ben nodded. From then until they got to the Gym, it was all a bit of a blur for Ben. He was focused on the task, ready and waiting to face Vivian, and so anything else in the day didn't really seem that important to him.

    The gym was an old-fashioned building, a gymnasium that had been around for over thirty years. It was an old building with faded walls and flaking paint, but the Pokemon League Authorised Gym Emblem glittered as if it had only been erected the day previous.

    "Well, this is it." Ben said. He took a deep breath and took a step forward, activating the automatic doors and entering the gym with Kristi and Wilson.

    It was early. The gym had only been open for an hour and there was a trainer battling the gym leader. Vivian was an older woman, in her late fourties, her hair was quickly turning grey and her face was lined. Even so, she dressed elegantly and looked like she had a lot of money.

    She was battling a boy around Ben's age. He was taller than Ben, with shoulder-length brown hair and muddy-brown eyes. He was standing one foot ahead of the other, arm raised, in the heat of battle.

    "Spinarak, use String Shot again!" The boy shouted. His Spinarak was quite small, but seemed to run around the arena pretty quickly. It shot some string at Vivian's Flabebe, and the tiny Pokemon struggled to remove them. Flabebe got tangled in the web and almost fell of its flower.

    "Now finish it with Poison Sting!"

    The tangled-up Flabebe stood no chance as Spinarak surged forward, using its spiked head to sting Flabebe, its venom piercing the flower floater. Flabebe fell to the floor, with a horrible purple hue left in its body as the flower fell on top.

    "Return, Flabebe." Vivian called and opened its Pokeball.

    "Flabebe is unable to battle. Wesley is the winner!"

    The boy, now known as Wesley, smiled as he brought his Spinarak back into its Pokeball and then he confronted Vivian, who shook his hand and presented him with a badge. Vivian spoke to Wesley, but Ben was too far away to hear the conversation. Wesley then met up with a blond-haired girl and left the gym, a satisfying smirk on his face.

    Vivian looked over to the newest entries into the gym, and walked over to Ben.

    "You are here to challenge me, I assume?" Vivian asked.

    Ben nodded, "That's right. I'm Ben, this is Kristi and Wilson."

    "I want to challenge you too." Kristi spoke up, jumping in front of Ben to shake Vivian's hand.

    "And what about you?" Vivian asked Wilson.

    Wilson laughed nervously. "Not really my thing. I'm just here to take some shots."

    Wilson pointed at his camera and then walked to the viewing area. There were not many spectators. Ben had purposefully come to the gym before the viewing area got too full because he thought the more people watching him the more nervous he would be.

    "Who's first?" Vivian asked, and Ben stood forward before Kristi could say anything.

    "I'll challenge you first."

    "Very well." Vivian said, and the two of them took their places at the battle area.

    The referee looked over to Vivian, who nodded, and then over to Ben.

    "Trainer, what's your name?" The referee asked.

    "Uh... Ben." Ben said sheepishly.

    "The following is a two versus two battle. Only the challenger may switch Pokemon. The first trainer to knock out all of the other trainers Pokemon will be the winner."

    Vivian took her Pokeballs from a small machine, which Ben assumed was to heal her Pokemon with, and threw her first Pokeball into battle.

    "Let's go, Jigglypuff."

    Ben followed suit, throwing out his first Pokemon into battle, "Elekid, I choose you."
    Jigglypuff and Elekid both materialised, poised and ready for battle.

    "Elekid, let's go... use Thunder Wave!"

    "Jigglypuff, move." Called Vivian, "And counter with Pound."

    Elekid wound up his arm, like he always did when generating electricity and sent a wave of paralysing jolts directly at Jigglypuff. Jigglypuff jumped into the air, avoiding the shock, and then charged at Elekid, hitting him with a Pound attack which sent him back a few feet.

    "Elekid, keep up the attack. Thunder Shock, let's go."

    Elekid obeyed and wound his arm up again, this time sending a Thunder Shock the way of Jigglypuff. Jigglypuff cried as the electricity hit her hard.

    "Now use Tackle!" Ben called and Elekid ran at Jigglypuff.

    "Jigglypuff, use Round."

    Jigglypuff took a deep breath and began to sing, and the sound waves flew across the arena and smashed into Elekid head on, sending him backwards again.

    "And now, Jigglypuff – use Pound again!"

    Jigglypuff huffed and puffed, swelling itself up to double its usual size and then used all her strength to come down with a crushing Pound, which knocked Elekid out.

    "Elekid is unable to battle, Jigglypuff wins!"

    Ben sighed, and held out his Pokeball. Elekid retreated and Ben sent out his second Pokemon.

    "Riolu, it's all down to you."

    Riolu appeared from his Pokeball and started running forward, ready to get into the action immediately.

    "Uh – OK, Riolu, Force Palm!"

    Riolu was almost toe-to-toe with Jigglypuff when Ben shouted the order and Riolu held his palm out, forcing it into the face of Jigglypuff and sending her into Vivian's arms, who caught her and retreated the fallen Pokemon.

    "Jigglypuff is unable to battle, Riolu wins."

    "That's a powerful Force Palm." Vivian said and Riolu looked extremely proud of himself.

    "We've put in a lot of practice." Ben replied.

    "I can see... well then, time for an appearance from Clefairy!"

    Vivian threw her second Pokeball and Clefairy appeared stomping her feet into the ground.

    "Clef!" She cried, confident of victory.

    Riolu ran at Clefairy, and Ben knew he was eager to get an advantage as early as possible.

    "Okay, Riolu, Force Palm again!"

    "Clefairy, side step – and use Disarming Voice!"

    Riolu forced his palm and as told, Clefairy side stepped. She then let out her Disarming Voice. Riolu, who moments ago was eager to go, seemed to relax, as if his inhibitions were calming and then the damage came. The soundwaves caused Riolu to stumble but he skidded across the floor and jumped back to his feet.

    "Clefairy, use Pound!"

    "Riolu, Quick Attack, let's go!"

    Clefairy jumped into the air, aiming to jump on to Riolu but he used his Quick Attack to move out of the way, before turning on the spot and charging into Clefairy.

    "Clefairy, Pound again – don't give him a chance to attack!"

    Clefairy jumped back on to her feet and ran at Riolu, before jumping and trying to pound Riolu.

    "Counter it, Riolu – now!"

    At the last moment, Riolu sidestepped, grabbed Clefairy and countered with a slam, crushing Clefairy's hopes of victory in one fell swoop.

    "Clefairy is unable to battle, Riolu wins. Pokemon Trainer Ben is the winner!"

    "Great job, Riolu!" Ben shouted over and Riolu, although tired, jumped to his feet and looked proud as he returned to his Pokeball. Ben and Vivian shook hands in the middle of the arena and Vivian handed over a badge.

    "This is the Moon Badge. I have to say, Ben. You surprised me. I didn't expect you to do so well in your first gym battle." Vivian smiled, "But it shows you have character and it shows you and your Pokemon have a good bond. So take that with you and remember it – because not all battles will end this well."

    "Thanks." Ben smiled and took the badge, pinning it on the inside of his jacket.

    "Your Riolu seems very... well, maybe it wouldn't hurt him not to rush into so many battles. Sometimes, patience is key."

    Ben nodded, taking the advice (although deep down he knew his Riolu's impatience was something he needed to address) and then he swapped positions with Kristi, who wanted to challenge Vivian next.

    "Did you get any good shots?" Ben asked Wilson once he arrived at the viewing area.

    "Yeah, look at this Force Palm on Jigglypuff!" Wilson said, showing off the photo on his camera. Ben couldn't help but laugh as Wilson had caught it just as Riolu's palm had struck Jigglypuff, making it look like Jigglypuff had an extremely flat face. As Ben watched Kristi's battle with Vivian, who again used Jigglypuff and Clefairy, he had an overwhelming feeling of excitement for it was only the first day of his journey and even though he had been waiting for this for years, the badge he had won was his first achievement in what he felt like was a journey that started six years ago when he first received his Riolu.

    Kristi finished up her battle with Vivian after defeating Clefairy with her Eevee. She received her badge much like Ben did and then the trio decided to go back to the Pokemon Centre and back home. Tomorrow would be the next step in his journey, leaving Cosran City and exploring the Forez region and even though Ben didn't know what to expect he knew it would be worth the wait.
     
    Not a bad start. Some definite strong points, but there's always something to improve on.

    I didn't find any grammar mistakes, so that's always a plus. Then again, it's kind of late over here, so I could also be tired. The point is, there's no glaring mistakes, which is still a plus.

    Your description is pretty good, but I feel like you're telling us instead of showing at times. It's not all the time, so it's just a matter of reminding yourself throughout the story. Since I learn best through example, I'll show you what I mean.
    "That's a powerful Force Palm." Vivian said and Riolu looked extremely proud of himself.
    Right at the end of the sentence is when you're telling. You're telling us the Riolu looks proud, instead of showing us. What kind of body language shows us that Riolu is proud? Is Riolu doing something specific? Asking a few questions can help you figure out what to write down. I'm not the best at showing, but I'll try to give an example.
    "That's a powerful Force Palm." Vivian said, Riolu stood straight up when he heard Vivian's comment and puffed his chest out.
    Something along the lines of that. It's mostly just minor stuff at the end of dialogue phrases. Just keep this in mind as you're writing and I guarantee that your writing will improve.

    One thing I really liked is the extra elements you added such as the specific battle times and the healing machine for the gym leader. I thought they were excellent additions as it adds a sense of realism as it covers the holes that the games leaves behind. A lot of writers just leave these kinds of things behind and it's sort of refreshing to see these minor details being added.

    Overall, a good chapter. I'm a little wary when it comes to trainer fics because I'm concerned with how closely they'll follow the games. I know this is set in its own region, but keep in mind that the standard "challenge all the gyms" can get a little dull. It can be pulled off, just remember to put in a plot twist every now and then to shake things up. Good job, I can tell a lot of work went into this.
     
    Thanks a lot for the feedback. I always find my opening chapters a little rusty. But once I get used to the characters and the story, I'm confident it'll show.
     
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