[Pokémon] The Slasher Virus

[Count]

THE SLASHER VIRUS //
- Rated G for violence, blood and usage of alcohol -​

Hi There! Thrilled to announce my first (published) English fanfic ever, called 'The Slasher Virus'. This story is set in Lilycove City, Hoenn, in October 2012. The protagonists are four friends/classmates whose bio's will be added later.
Intended to be a Godzilla-like fanfic starring Groudon, I changed the concept and it is now about a Pokémon virus.
Without any further ado, please enjoy and if you've read it, please leave a comment!


The Slasher Virus A Pokémon virus that causes certain Pokémon to perform violent actions towards humans and other Pokémon. First discovered on a group of Sandslash, it was found able to affect other Pokémon from the Ground egg group. It does not affect Pokémon from other egg groups or human kind.
This phenomenon occurred during October 2012, which caused many to believe that it was the beginning of the end of the world predicted by the Mayan calendar.

--
Chapter 1

It was a greyish afternoon in early October. Rose, Jason and Puck had finished working on their assignment and were chatting as they walked from school towards the metro station. It was Friday, and they'd just finished their group assignment after class was dismissed.
It was cloudy, and some leaves were starting to fall off the tree branches, but it was still pretty warm outside. Autumn had only just begun, anyway.
'I'm glad we finally got around to finishing the assignment!' Jason said, and he stretched his back. Jason was always very relieved whenever he finished something important.
'Yeah, although it's not like we had that much to do. We just kept procrastinating!' said Puck, and she laughed. Puck was never afraid to state her opinion.
'Uhu,' Rose mumbled. She wasn't really paying attention, as she was trying to find something in her handbag. A pokéball came out.
'Found it!' She said, smiling. 'Pichu, come out!' She threw the pokéball up in the air and after a flash came out of the ball, a small yellow Pokémon with black patterns and pink cheeks appeared.
'Pichu!' it exclaimed cheerfully.

The three were at the metro station, and entered the metro that had just arrived. It was around 5 pm, so it was starting to get pretty crowded because of the peak hours.
'I'm so thrilled,' Jason said, as they took a seat. 'Tonight we're finally seeing the ninth and final part of The Nine Tales!'
'Yeah, it's such a great trilogy!' Rose said, and her Pichu nodded. 'I wonder how it will end.'
'Uhu,' Puck agreed as well. 'Dale's meeting up with us after work right? Which is when?'
'He works in a café at the corner of my street, he'll be with us by 7.30.' Rose answered.
The four were going to the cinema that night, to celebrate (a little belated) that they got through the other week's exams alive. Jason and Puck were coming with Rose to her place, as her parents were on a business trip.

'Here it is!' Rose called, as she opened the door of her parents' apartment. They lived in one of the tallest buildings of Lilycove City with about twenty-five stories.
Rose entered the apartment and held the door open for the other two. They followed and let themselves fall down on the sofa.
'Thank God it's Friday!' Puck yelled. She threw her hands up in the air, and laughed.
'Is that right!' Jason said. As students, and pretty much like any other human being, the weekend was their favourite time of the week.
'Beer for the guys, wine for the ladies!' Even though there was only one guy present at the time, Rose called out her favourite slogan for whenever she was going to drink. She gave her friends a drink; wine for Puck and herself, beer for Jason and turned on the radio.

When we drink we do it right, gettin' slizzard
Sippin' sizzurp in my ride, like three six
Now I'm feelin'so fly like a G6​

'Like a G6, like a G6!' The three sang along with the radio. Rose's Pichu was not a fan of loud music, and therefore he walked away from the radio to the window side of the living room. He looked outside, where the city and its inhabitants were getting ready for the night.
Rose ignored her Pokémon's behavior and was still singing along with the radio.

And I swear, this is true
And I owe it all to you-you-you-you-you-you​

The apartment had those typical skyscraper windows, like in the movies, reaching from the floor to the ceiling. Through it, Pichu was looking down at the streets. He could see a Pokémon, and some people making their way home. He focused his eyes on the Pokémon, a Sandslash, as the music faded away to the back of his mind. The Sandslash was not moving.

Cause I'm
Having
A good
Time
With you​

Rose, Jason and Puck were still enjoying their little party, despite being with just three people.

Pichu was still staring at the Sandslash. He sensed that something wasn't right about it.
One of the people passing by, who seemed less in a hurry than the others, stopped for the Sandslash, reaching out a hand to see if it was okay.
Suddenly the Sandslash turned around and before the person could act, it attacked.
It started slashing in at the person. Blood could be seen splashing down at the pavement.
Pichu snapped. 'Pichu!' In shock, it ran back to the rest, jumped in between Rose and Puck on the sofa and tried to make clear that something was wrong.
That's the moment the music stopped.

We're interrupting this broadcast for an emergency news flash.
We've had several reports of Sandslash and other Ground-type Pokémon viciously attacking humans across the region.
This is an emergency, please close your doors and windows, keep your Pokémon in their pokéballs unless necessary to let them out for protection and stay calm.
This is the end of the message. Please stay tuned for more information.​

'… The ****?' Jason said, shocked. Rose and Puck just looked at each other, not believing their ears.
'Pichu!' Pichu interrupted the silence, 'Pichu, pi!' He pointed at the window and ran back towards it. Rose stood up, wondering what her Pichu wanted to show her, and followed him to the window.

'This sounds serious…' Jason concluded from the message. He scratched his head.
'I don't know what to think… How could this be happening?' Puck said. She took a look at her phone. The time was 17:35 pm.

'Oh my god… Guys, you've got to see this!' Rose called, from the other side of the room. Jason and Puck stood up and hurried towards her. Rose had her hand raised to her mouth, and said nothing.
As the other two approached the window, they could see how bad the situation really was.
Down at the street Rose lived in, they could see a person laying on the ground, covered in blood and no longer moving, and the bloody Sandslash that was the cause of the person's death. Around it there were people running, in scare of what was going on, and soon enough more Sandslash appeared.

'This is terrible..!' Puck was in shock.
'Dale! We've got to call Dale, he's in trouble!' Rose ran back to the sofa, next to which she had left her handbag, and out of it she got her cell phone. She went through her address book, picked Dale's number and called him.
'What are we going to do?!' Puck grabbed Jason's shoulders. 'Are we safe, even up here?'
'Puck, you need to calm down now,' Jason reacted. 'Everything's going to be alright, okay?' Jason was trying to calm her down, but he had no clue. He was just as scared as Puck was.
Meantime, Rose got a hold of Dale. She put her phone on loudspeaker mode.
'Dale! Where are you?'
'I'm still at work! I don't know what to do!'
'Are you alright? Can you get to my apartment?'
'I don't know, there are Sandslash right across the street! I'll try to get Clefable to Protect me, and see if I can make my way!'
'Right! Call me when you enter the building, and we'll come right at you!'
'I'll be –,'
The conversation got interrupted by a cracking noise. It sounded as though Dale's cell phone fell to the ground. A scream could be heard.
'Oh my god… Dale? Dale?!'
Dale could be heard in the background, letting out his Clefable, after which there was no signal.
'Dale!' Jason shouted. He didn't hesitate for a second; he ran towards the apartment's door, ready to leave and go look after Dale.
'Jason, wait!' Puck shouted. Jason stopped and turned around.
'I've got to check on Dale!' he said. 'You two stay here, I promise I'll be back!' He nodded, after which he turned back around and slammed the door behind him.
Puck sighed; she didn't know what to say. She sat down on the sofa, next to Rose. She looked sad.
'They'll be alright,' Puck said. She put a hand on Rose's leg.
'I sure hope so…' Rose replied. 'Pichu, please go back into your Pokéball so you're safe.'
'Pichu…' Pichu didn't like being in his pokéball, but he understood why he had to.
Rose got Pichu's pokéball from her handbag, and pushed the white button. A red flash surrounded Pichu and went back into the ball, taking Pichu with it.

'Go, Squirtle!' Jason was in the staircase of the building, afraid to take the lift at a time like this, and could use some assistance.
'Squirtle!' Jason's Squirtle appeared. It was a very brave and energetic Pokémon, and would keep the Sandslash away with great ease.
'Listen up Squirtle, I want you to pay attention, and look out for Sandslash and other suspicious-looking Pokémon,' Jason explained to his friend. 'This is serious, buddy.'
Squirtle nodded. 'Squir,' it said, and turned around, ready to go down the stairs.

It was a long way down, but brave as they were, Jason and Squirtle hurried down the staircase to find their friend Dale.

 

[Masquerainisthajam]

I looked this over and I have to say that this is pretty good. The idea of using a mysterious Pokémon virus is a good one, even if you couldn't pull off a Godzilla Groudon fic :)

I did notice some problems, though. For one, I don't think something in nine parts (The Nine Tales) is considered a trilogy, unless if you are referring it to as parts 1-3, 4-6, 7-9 like that. The second part is that if you are using military time, leave out the "p.m." It's either 17:35 or 5:35 p.m. And make sure that time is consistent throughout the story.

Also, do you think you might want to warn the audience about alcohol usage, since you mentioned beer and wine? Just a suggestion...

But this is a very good way of ending the chapter. It keeps the reader wanting more and it leaves us on a cliffhanger. Love it :)

Overall, with slight things, this fanfic is good so far. I hope to read more about this "Slasher Virus" and I would love to see how this ends!

 

[Count]

Thanks for your comment! =)

About the trilogy thing, I didn't know that. Thanks anyway, and I'll change it with the next update.
I didn't know about the p.m. thing either, I'm not completely aware of that system as I am not English myself. :)

Again, thanks for the comment, keeps me motivated. Chapter 2 is well on its way, it'll be up this weekend.

Oh and - about the alcohol usage.. I did mention beer and wine, yes, it's a very common thing for me so I didn't think of adding a warning for that.
The characters don't get drunk though, they just have a drink before going to the cinema. Either way, you're right :D

 

[Count]

--
Chapter 2

Jason was approaching the bottom floor of the building Rose lived in. There were only a few stairs to go, but Jason and Squirtle started moving slowly and carefully.
At the bottom floor was a Sandslash, hacking and slashing into a body like it was some kind of machine. The body was a man's, with a blue shirt on, covered in blood.
'Squirtle,' Jason whispered. 'Can you sneak up to that Sandslash and get it out of the way with a Water Gun?'
'Squir,' Squirtle nodded, and sneaked down to the last pair of stairs. Remaining quiet, it leaped up in the air and fired a strong beam of water from its mouth.
It was now the Sandslash became aware of Squirtle's presence, and it looked up but it was too late.
It got hit by the Water Gun and got slammed into the wall.
'Squir!' Squirtle signed to Jason that it was safe to come down the stairs and go through the door.

But it wasn't.

The Sandslash got back up, and jumped at Squirtle. Squirtle, who was standing on the bottom stairs, noticed it and managed to dodge it.
'Squirtle!' Jason called, worried. The Sandslash now noticed Jason as well.
'Slaaaash!' The Sandslash classified Jason as its new target and jumped towards him.
It landed right in front of him. For a second, Jason thought it was the end. But Squirtle's call made him come back to senses.
Before Sandslash acted, Squirtle saved the day and slammed into Sandslash head first.
He had performed a Skull Bash attack, and the enemy had hit the wall once again.
'Thanks, Squirtle!' Jason was thankful. 'Now let's go!' He grabbed Squirtle's arm and rushed down the stairs, and through the door. He closed it after him.

Jason and his turtle Pokémon were now on the street, amid the chaos he was hoping to save his friend from. Jason knew there would be Sandslash chasing and attacking other people, but what he saw now, was new to him. On the other side of the street, a Raticate was attacking someone. Raticate was not a ground-type Pokémon… why was it attacking people?
Jason decided to leave it for the time being, and ran off to the right, where at the end of the street, Dale would be trying to Protect himself from the predators.

**

'They're taking so long…' Puck said.
'They'll be fine!' Rose disagreed. 'Try to think about happy things,' she said, somewhat mockingly.

We're back with an update on the situation.
The violence Pokémon are currently performing throughout the region,
is the cause of a Pokémon Virus classified as The Slasher Virus.
This Virus affects Pokémon from the ground egg group and is spread through
open wounds. Please stay inside and do not let Pokémon that match this criteria
out of their Pokéballs to make sure the Virus does not spread further.​

´The Slasher Virus…´ Puck said. She looked through the window. Outside, it was starting to get dark.
´We should check which Pokémon are in the ground egg-group! Maybe one of us has one of those and we shouldn't use them.' Rose said. She got her mini-laptop, also from her handbag, and booted it.
'You should check Bulbapedia!' Puck said. 'They're sure to have information about it.'

**

As Jason came closer to the café, he saw he was not the only one that was trying to make his way there. Several Pokémon were gathered at the entrance of the café, only attracting more of them.

'Squirtle, use Whirlpool to clear the entrance!' Jason commanded his buddy.
Squirtle jumped up, spewed water up in the air, started spinning around so a Whirlpool was formed, and then threw it at the gang blocking the entrance.
The attack caught the Pokémon off guard, and managed to hit all of them so the entrance was clear.
The two rushed inside, avoiding the shattered glass that covered the ground, only to find the mess that was inside. Stools and tables had fallen over, and drinks were spilled everywhere. Two Sandslash and a Raticate were situated in the corner, trying to break a thick, glittery shield - it was Clefable's Protect! Jason snapped.
'Dale! Are you alright?' he called, unsure of what to do. The Pokémon were so enraged that they did not notice him and Squirtle at all.
'Jason, is that you? You've got to help me, Clefable's Protect won't hold much longer!'
'Fay..!' Dale's Clefable confirmed.
Jason decided to let out some more of his Pokémon. He threw two pokéballs up.
'Charmeleon, Aipom! G–'
Jason got interrupted by a phone call. As Charmeleon and Aipom appeared from their pokéballs, the melody echoed through the café and caught the Sandslash and Raticate's attention.
'Shit! Why now!' he said, grabbing his phone from his pocket to stop the ringtone. The three predators were now facing him, growling, but not moving. Jason was thinking of a strategy.

**

'He cancelled the call!' Rose said. 'Why would he do that?!'
'Shit, they must be in danger!' Puck panicked.

**

'Dale, let's drive them into the corner so we can get out of here!' Jason called. Dale nodded.
'Raaaticate!' the Raticate now jumped up, ready to attack.
'Aipom, use Swift!' Swift was a good choice, as it would be sure not to hit his friends.
'Clefable, you too!' Dale copied. Clefable had recovered itself and attacked.
The three infected Pokémon were being overwhelmed by star-shaped rays from both sides now.
They had to do this quick, or they would attract more infected Pokémon.
'Charmeleon, Squirtle!' Jason signaled his other comrades. 'Attack them from the right!'
As Charmeleon and Squirtle were spewing water and fire at the enemy, Aipom and Clefable joined sides with them and the four of them drove them right into the other corner of the room.
'Awesome guys!' Jason complimented. 'It's working!'

**

'Should we try again?' Rose suggested. She held her cell phone tight.
'We better not. Let's wait until they come back,' Puck said.
'But who says they will? They might be–'
'I do! They will come back,' Puck sounded agitated. 'Let me get you a glass of water.'
Puck stood up, wanting to head to the kitchen, when a bonking sound caught the girls' attention.
'It's coming from the door!' Puck concluded.
'Maybe it's them!' Rose said, and she ran towards the door.
'Wait, don't open it!' Puck yelled.
'Jason! Is that you?' Rose called, and she put her ear to the door.
The bonking sound stopped.
'Jason?' Rose called again. 'Are you there?'
A Pokémon's growl made Rose jump, and she fell down to the floor.
Suddenly a sharp claw burst right through the wooden door, and Rose screamed.
'That is not Jason!' Puck concluded. She helped Rose getting up, and they ran to the other side of the room.
Puck opened her handbag, and a Pokéball came out. 'Politoed! We need you!'
A green frog-like Pokémon emerged from the Pokéball. 'Toad!' It greeted its trainer.
'Please use Protect at the door to stop that Pokémon from breaking it!'
Politoed nodded. He walked towards the door and put its hands together. As it focused, a thick, transparent shield was formed. He pushed it against the door, in which the Sandslash had now made an opening at the size of its head. The shield forced the Sandslash to withdraw its claws.
'What do we do now?!' Rose asked Puck. 'The shield won't hold forever!'
Puck sighed. She didn't know what to do either.
'Poli, toed!' Politoed put the shield away, took a step back and pointed at the door.
'What are you doing?!' Rose panicked when she saw Politoed had lowered its shield.
'Rose, please!' Puck gnawed. 'He's trying to show us something.' She walked towards the door, carefully looking outside through the hole.
There was no Pokémon to be seen or heard.
'I'm sorry, Politoed,' Rose apologized. 'Thanks for saving us!' She patted it on the head, smiling.

The growling could be heard again. Not near the door this time; it was farther away.

'Aipom, watch out!'
'Gallade, use Brick Break!'
'Slash..!'

'Aipom, are you okay?!'
'Come on, let's go!'

It was Jason, and Dale was with him.
'They made it! I told you,' Puck said, relieved.
Rose peeked through the hole in the door, and opened the door when she saw them coming up the stairs.
'Girls!' Dale said, as he walked in with his Gallade. They were about just as tall.
'Dale! So glad you guys made it!' Rose said, and she hugged Dale.
'Are you girls okay?' Dale asked. 'That hole in the door doesn't look good.'
'No, we're unharmed,' Puck said, smiling.
Then the girls noticed Jason. He came in, and closed the door behind him with his foot. He carried his Aipom in his arms. It had its eyes closed, and was making silent noises. There was a cut on his right cheek.
'Is he okay?' Rose asked. The expression on her face altered.
'Have you got anything to help him with?' Jason asked her, seeing as it was her apartment.
'Sure,' Rose replied. 'I've got a–'
'Hold on,' Puck interrupted. She seemed serious.
'What is it?' Dale, who was just checking if his Gallade was okay, looked up.
'Jason, your Aipom..' Puck said. She hesitated.
'My Aipom what?' Jason was getting impatient.

'Aipom is from the ground egg group…'

///end

That's chapter 2 for ya! I was having a bit of a struggle with the ending; I wanted to use some sort of cliffhanger. (:
My writing style illustrates alot of talking and not a lot of describing things. That's because I'm not English so it's still hard for me. I study English anyway, that's why my English isn't bad but.. well I'm trying. ^^
I'm going to add the character's short bio's to the first post of this thread soon! Please comment if you've read!

 

[Count]

Back from a break! I've got some ideas and stuff, here is chapter 3 for now. Please comment if you've read it. So I know I don't write this for nothing. =)

Chapter 3

'What are you saying?' Jason said. 'Who cares he's in the ground egg group!'
'You don't understand!' Puck said. 'He'll be infected! We're in danger if we keep him here!'
'What are you talking about?' Dale jumped in.
'Guys…' Rose jumped in, too. 'Puck is right.' She pointed at the laptop, which was on the table.
On the screen was a long list of Pokémon that were included in the ground egg group of Pokémon. Aipom was on the list as well.
'I don't believe this…' Jason said.
'There was another news flash while you were out. They said all Pokémon in this egg group can be infected by this so called Slasher Virus. It spreads through open wounds.' Puck explained.
'At least call it back into its Pokéball!' Rose said. 'That way, it can't attack us.'
Jason nodded, as he didn't have much of a choice. He let his Aipom, that was still making noises, go back in its Pokéball. Then, he said, 'Let's go to the Pokémon Center.'
'Say what?' Dale said. 'You've seen what's out there, man!'
'If there's any chance of a cure for this virus, it's got to be there!' Jason found.
For a moment, it was quiet.
'Well…' Rose said, 'We're not safe here, either way.'
'Alright, then.' Dale made up his mind. 'Let's go.'
'Wait,' Jason said when they walked out the door. 'Maybe we could fly there! Rose, didn't you have a Fearow?'
'Oh, yes!' Rose remembered. She searched her bag and got a Pokéball out.
'I've got a Tropius myself.' Jason said. 'Have you two got any flying Pokémon?'
'I've got a Chatot… But it won't be able to carry me.' Dale said.
'Don't have one!' Puck said. 'How about you two go and take a look, while we stay here?'
'I'd say it's safer for us to stay on the roof instead of here.' Dale suggested, and pointed at the ruined door. The others agreed and the group went up the stairs of the building, instead of going down.

When they entered the roof, Jason and Rose let out their Pokémon. It was getting darker now; the time was half past six.
'We'll be back in a few minutes!' Jason said, as he jumped on the back of his Tropius, which was much bigger than he was.
'Call us when something's up!' Rose said. Then the two of them flew off.

**

Although the Pokémon Center was not far away, it was considerably safer to go flying instead.
On the streets, Jason thought, it seemed just like in the movies. One of those movies in which there was an outbreak of a zombie-like virus. Jason liked those movies. However, unlike in such movies in which no one had ever heard of zombies before, Jason knew plenty about them.
'The Pokémon Center is right over there!' Rose called, and Jason snapped out of his daydream.
'Right!' Jason said, and nodded. They started descending, and got ready to land on the roof of the Pokémon Center.
As they approached the building, they saw that the roof was not safe to be landed on. There was a Sneasel, bent over what looked like a body. It was not clear what it was doing.
'Alright, it's not safe,' Rose concluded, and she made her Fearow stop in mid-air. 'Shall we turn back?'
'Is there no plan B?' Jason asked. 'It looks pretty safe on the ground.'
Rose hesitated. 'It can't be. It would be too easy, the Pokémon Center is where everyone would head first thing. There are probably loads of Pokémon hiding or something.'
'Guess you're right. Let's go back.'

**

'You think they're having any luck?' Puck asked Dale, desperate for a bit of conversation.
'I don't know… they're safe up in the air, but the Pokémon Center… it's probably crowded with those things.' He scratched the back of his head and sighed.
'I guess you're right.' Puck sat down on the concrete, followed by Dale, who sat down next to her.
'I just hope we'll be okay.' Puck sounded a little sad and uneasy. Dale wanted to say something back to her, but before he could, Puck put her head on his shoulder. Dale decided to remain quiet and look at the sky, trying to ignore the screams and cries heard from below.

Not much later, Rose and Jason landed back on the roof.
'No success guys,' Jason said, as he got off the back of his Tropius.
'Really?' Puck seemed a little surprised.
'Well it was worth the try,' Dale found. 'So what do we do now?'
For a moment, it was silent. Then Puck sat herself down and started crying.
Dale acted quickly, he sat down beside her and put an arm around her.
'I don't know what to do!' Puck cried. 'I honestly don't know!' She sounded really hopeless, sort of like she it was all her fault, Rose thought. She sighed. 'Neither do I.'
Jason started to feel hopeless as well, but he corrected himself. 'Let's stay here for the night.'
'What?' Rose said, as if she was surprised anyone could come up with that.
'Well it seems like no one has any better ideas.' Jason defended himself.
'I guess it's the best thing we can do right now,' Dale agreed. 'It is getting darker, you know. And up here is safer than most other places.'
'If we block the door I guess we're safe… as long as those monsters don't spontaneously grow wings,' Puck said. 'And if they don't start climbing the buildings…'
'I say we go for it,' Jason stated. 'One of us at a time will have to stay awake. We will take turns in that. And I think it would be safe if we leave one Pokémon out of their Pokéball.' He patted his Tropius on the head, which he could obviously only just reach.
'Let's just get some blankets and supplies from my apartment!' Rose suggested. 'Anyone care to join?'
Jason decided he'd be good at protecting her and together they went to her - hopefully safe – apartment.

**

'Alright guys,' Jason yawned when everyone had their blankets, food and drinks and the entrance to the roof was blocked. 'Let's call it a night so we can get up early tomorrow.' The others agreed and everyone got ready to sleep.
Jason started to feel like he was leading the group, which he had mixed feelings about. However, as much of a leader as he was, he did not think about the plan; someone was going to stay up and keep guard.

'Goodnight..!'

 

[Lily]

Chapter 1 review:

Very interesting premise. I love the idea of a Pokemon virus going about. I can see so many ways this can branch off!

First off, I think a bit more showing and less telling would really enhance your story. From the first few lines:

It was a greyish afternoon in early October. Rose, Jason and Puck had finished working on their assignment and were chatting as they walked from school towards the metro station. It was Friday, and they'd just finished their group assignment after class was dismissed.

You tell us Rose, Jason and Puck are chatting. They finished working on their assignment. It sounds like a summary, and that's something you should try avoiding in the future. Telling us they're chatting is redundant if you can show us the chat (which you did right after this paragraph).

When you indent paragraphs, do so whenever a new dialogue starts.

'I'm glad we finally got around to finishing the assignment!' Jason said, and he stretched his back. Jason was always very relieved whenever he finished something important.

'Yeah, although it's not like we had that much to do. We just kept procrastinating!' said Puck, and she laughed. Puck was never afraid to state her opinion. <- again, too much telling. She's never afraid to state her opinion, just show that instead of stating it.

She threw the pokéball up in the air and after a flash came out of the ball, a small yellow Pokémon with black patterns and pink cheeks appeared.

Awkward. I'd fix it up as: She threw the pokéball in the air, and a small yellow Pokémon with pink cheeks and black patterns on its ears appeared after a flash.

'Uhu,' Puck agreed as well. 'Dale's meeting up with us after work right? Which is when?'

'He works in a café at the corner of my street, he'll be with us by 7.30 7:30, you mean? 30, should be a comma, be consistent with your grammar' Rose answered.

Be consistent with tenses and grammar. If you are in past tense, stick to past. Remember that a story is not just a summary. You're relaying the events. Examples:

Puck was in shock.

It was a very brave and energetic Pokémon, and would keep the Sandslash away with great ease.

...And so on and so forth. You mentioned English isn't your first language so for a first fanfic, despite all my nitpicks, I'm honestly impressed. You have good ideas, as well!

I love the action you have going here. Sandslash on a rampage, wooo.

There's a lot going on here and it's actually very exciting. The way you choose to tell the story, though, can pull readers in even more. I want to feel the terror of having to see Sandslash cutting through people like paper, the fear when you realize there are more coming after the first one. A bit more description would also help, but like I said, despite my nitpicking, I do like the plotline and you leave us hanging for more, which is always a good thing.

Very interesting, I will read more in the future. ^_^

 

[Count]

Thanks a lot Lily! I really appreciate your comment. n_nb Your constructive feedback really helps, I'll look more into it later. =)