[Pokémon] The Start of a Hero!

[Teh Blazer]

This is only my first fanfic and it inspired the hack I am making (look in my Sig for more). I hope for it to continue and I have some big plans for the storyline! Well, enough about me, here it goes!

Chapter 1: Old Ends, New Beginnings!​

"So it is decided" a deep voice said in a darkened room with other people.

"Yes" another voice, said, "Our brilliant scientists from the Hoenn, Johto, and Kanto region will be in your experiment."

"Come" the deep voice said as a tall figure stood up along with 5 other figures, "We shall do the experiment."

Then all the other darkened figures clapped as the 6 figures walked out of the room. Suddenly the lights flickered on and the other people could see the deep voiced person was wearing a hood and you could only see his mouth. He smiled a gentle smile that also looked pure evil. The rest of his face was covered with a shadow. The 5 shorter figures were scientists that could revive fossils and do DNA transplants.

"Excellent" the hooded man said, "A new, darker Pokemon age will begin!"

Then on a hill near Pallet Town, a young boy was sitting on the tall, lean grass and letting the air trickle against his skin. He was a care free, happy-go-lucky type of guy. A Spearow crowed in the near distance, signaling 8:00 A.M. The boy got up from the grass, wiped off the dirt from his blue jeans and started running towards his house.

As the boy snuck inside the house, hoping not to get caught by his mother, he accidentally stepped on a squeaky board. The mother came into the room and saw the child.

"Where have you been?" the mother asked.

"You see…" the boy started to say.

"Forget it Silver!" the mother yelled, "You're going to be late for your test today if you don't hurry!"

"Sheesh" Silver murmured as he snagged a piece of toast and walked out the door. While walking out of his house and towards his PokeSchool, Silver looked up and thought, "Today is the day…"

Silver got there, naturally late, but just in time to see his friend and son of the prestigious Gary Oak, Steven win his match. Just before Silver went over to high-five him, he heard a teacher say, "Alright!" one of the teachers said, "It's time to begin!"

"Our first two battlers will be Silver Ketchum and Jack Iving" the teacher said again.

Silver walked up to the stage and saw Jack, the school bully. "Easy win" Jack said to his friends.

"Each of you grab a Poke ball" said the teacher holding up a bag full of Poke balls. Silver and Jack each took one and walked to their sides of the battle arena.

"On your mark, get set, GO!!!" the teacher screamed. "Poke ball go!" Silver said chucking the poke ball. "

Poke ball go" Jack said throwing the Poke ball like a baseball almost hitting Silver.

Out of Silver's Pokeball was a scrawny rat-thing, rather than the huge bee that came from Jack's. Without warning, as usual, Jack yelled, "Poison Sting!" to his Beedrill, which attacked promptly. The hazardous barbs had struck Silver's Ratata and knocked it back across the arena. With the rat strugling to get up, Silver ordered a Tackle. Although it tried with all it's might, the rat just couldn't muster enough energy and collapsed.

Seeing the opportunity, Jack yelled, "Fury Attack!" The bee did as commanded and started to slash away at the poor rat Pokemon. Watching helplessly, Silver couldn't help but yell out a streak of terror.

The teacher glanced at Silver's pathetic state and knew where this battle was headed. He raised up Jack's flag and yelled, "The winner is Jack!"

The teacher walked over to Silver and said, "Meet me at school tomorrow morning, early." Silver knew he was in trouble and nodded. He left for home, ashamed. When he got home his mom asked him how his day was.

"I failed again" Silver said weakly.

"There, there, it'll be okay" his mother said gently patting Silver's head.

At night, before Silver was about to sleep, he asked mother, "Was my father a great Pokemon Trainer?"

"Yes" she replied, "He was the best of the best."

"Your father took down every Gym Leader there ever was. He even beat every single Elite Four member."

"What happened to him?" Silver asked.

"While he was searching for Giovanni, he… dis-app-eared" she said attempting to choke back the tears, but couldn't, "There was a huge explosion and nobody found him. No body, not even a small trace of him." "I can still remember him smiling just before he set off to end Team Rocket, that heart warming smile."

"Daddy Ketchum" Silver thought closing his eyes, "Daddy Ash Ketchum."

Chapter 2: Passing the Exam​

The next day Silver woke up early and got dressed. He ate his cereal and went to school. It was 6:00 in the morning and he didn't want to wake him mom up. He left a note saying he was leaving to school early and walked out the door into the cold, crisp air. When he got to school the teacher was waiting.

"Do you know why you're here?" the teacher asked Silver.

"Is it because I failed five times in a row?" Silver replied with a question answer.

"Partially" the teacher said, "You're here because you have no idea what a real battle is."

"What?" Silver said confused, "I don't get it…"

"It's simple, you don't have any connection with the Pokemon," the teacher said, "You have no idea of what the Pokemon is capable of."

"I still don't understand" Silver said scratching his head.

"Take your battle yesterday," the teacher said, "If you actually paid attention in my classes, you would know that Rattata has quite remarkable Speed and Attack, both which you could used to your advantage."

"Oooohhhhhh," Silver said finally understanding what the teacher was talking about.

"And, if you paid attention when I was talking about the test, you would know all of the Pokemon are level 15" the teacher exclaimed, " Since Rattata knows Hyper Fang at level 13, you could have used that to deal a lot of damage to Beedrill. With Quick Attack at your disposal, you could have zoomed out of any situation."

"Thanks for the help, but I don't see how a tiny rat could possibly have beaten a fully evolved bee" Silver said.

"You didn't learn anything from what I just said, did you?" the teacher asked. "It doesn't matter what Pokemon, but how you use it. In fact, I bet a Lv. 1 Rattata could beat a Lv. 100 Mewtwo."

"Then why did I have to come in so early just for this tiny lecture?" Silver asked.

"Ah yes, the reason you have to come in very early" the teacher said pulling out a Pokeball, "You will spar me one-on-one until you can finally beat me."

"Time for more failure…" Silver thought pulling out a random Pokeball.

"On three we send out our Pokemon" the teacher said holding up his Pokeball, "One….two…..three!"

After Silver's long and tireless training session with his teacher, he heard the bell ring, signaling class is about to start. He packed up his things and dashed to his class.

"Alright" the teacher said already in the classroom, "Since most of you failed the exam, I have decided to do the whole thing over."

"To start this off," the teacher said reading his paper, "is Silver versus myself." A small murmur spread throughout the crowd and Silver knew the teacher wanted to see if he learned anything. He walked up the stand with all of the Pokeballs and picked up the one that looked the best.

"Go Pokemon!" Silver said throwing his Pokeball. In a red flash, a Cubone appeared from Silver's Pokeball. He looked over to see what the teacher picked, and was shocked to find the Rattata he had yesterday on the teacher's side.

"Rattata, use Quick Attack!" the teacher yelled. The rat, as quick as lightning zoomed over to Silver's Cubone and slammed into it, knocking it down.

"Darn it!" Silver thought, "That rat is too fast to hit!" "There must be some way to pin it down or something…"

The teacher, noticing Silver's absence of retaliation, ordered a Hyper Fang. With Rattata's extreme speed, it quickly leaped over to Cubone and bit it right on the neck. This caused extreme pain for Cubone and it fell down.

"It keeps on nailing me with that speed" Silver thought, "I have to do something fast. The best way right now is to buy more time."

"Cubone!" Silver yelled to the squirming Pokemon, "Use Tail Whip!" The poor Pokemon waggled its stubby tail which, in turn, sent Rattata into some sort of hypnotic trance.

Seeing the chance, Silver commanded a Bone Club from Cubone. The Cubone leaped up and slammed its bone weapon hard onto the Rattata. Although in a great deal of damage, the rat still managed to stay standing. Without the teacher's command, it bit Cubone on the chest, which in reply, the Cubone slammed another bone onto Rattata, knocking it unconscious.

"Congratulations" the teacher said shaking Silver's hand, "Take this to Gary Oak to receive your Pokemon." The teacher gave Silver a card stating that Silver had successfully passed and was eligible for a free starting Pokemon. Silver snatched the card from the teacher and ran towards Gary Oak's lab with joy. Silver went into Gary's lab and showed Gary, the now full fledged adult, his card.

Gary looked at the card, looked at Silver, then back at the card. "I'm sorry," he said, "We have no more available starting Pokemon to give."

"Don't you guys have a back up Pokemon, like when my dad was 10?" Silver asked.

"Nope, my son Steven took that Pokemon" the Gary replied to Silver.

"Seven got that Pokemon?!" Silver said shocked.

"Yeah, sorry about that though" Gary said, "But if you want, I could give you a couple of Pokeballs and you could go out and can one for yourself."

"No thanks…" Silver said depressingly walking out.

He went down where the water of Route 21 met Pallet Town, his special spot where he can just be alone and think. There he sat on the huge jagged rocks and skipped stones on the calm water. Silver stayed there until the sun was nearly down, when he decided to go. As he was getting off the rocks, he noticed something in the corner of his eye. Curious, Silver ran over to see what it was.

As he got closer to it, Silver noticed it looked more and more like a Pokemon. Once Silver finally reached it, he realized it was a Pokemon. Silver picked the battered and unconscious body of this Pokemon and carried it over to the Pokemon Center all the way in Viridian City. While waiting, for the Pokemon to heal, Silver's mom and Gary came in.

"My boy, I'm so proud to hear you finally passed your exam!" Silver's mother said kissing him over.

"Congratulations Silver" Gary said handing him a Pokedex and five Pokeballs, "Even though you didn't get a starter Pokemon, you still need to get a Pokedex."

Nurse Joy then came in and said, "Your Piplup, the Pokemon you brought in, will be good as new tomorrow."

"You got a Piplup?!" Silver's mom and Gary both asked in unison.

"Yeah, I'm taking it with me on my journey" Silver replied calmly.

"Well, I don't want to leave you out on your big journey, sweetie" Silver's mom said, "So I'll just go now."

"Yeah, I think I'll be heading off as well" Gary said getting up. Silver just stayed at the Pokemon Center and waited for his first Pokemon, and his life long companion.

The next day, Silver was awaken abruptly. Nurse Joy gave him Piplup already in a Pokeball and made him leave before the Pokemon Center gets crowded.

As Silver walked out, of the Pokemon Center, he headed out for the Viridian Forest. As he walked in, he noticed the girl he liked since he started going to PokeSchool, Karen, crying.

Naturally wanting to help, Silver went over and asked, "What's wrong?"

"A gang of Pidgey came along and attacked me and my Charmander" Karen replied pointing to the heavily wounded Charmander sitting beside her.

"We tried to fight back, but my Charmander could only beat one of them"

"Watch, the next time I see them, I'll…." Silver said before he heard a loud rush of wind. He turned around and looked up in the sky. A huge flock of Pidgeys and Pidgeottos flew towards Karen and Silver, most likely in revenge for the damaged Pidgey.

"This might be harder than I thought" Silver thought aloud, "Much harder"

 

[Alter Ego]

Alright, formatting issues first. Because really, the first thing that struck me about your fanfic was this.

"So it is decided" a deep voice said in a darkened room with other people. "Yes" another voice, said, "Our brilliant scientists from the Honen, Jhoto, and Kanto region will be in your experiment." "Come" the deep voice said as a tall figure stood up along with 5 other figures, "We shall do the experiment."

Your dialogue is all scrunched together without any spacing. This makes it incredibly tedious to follow the changes in speakers and keep track of who is saying what, especially with multiple participants like this. When writing dialogue, you should switch lines whenever the speaker changes. Like so:

"So it is decided" a deep voice said in a darkened room with other people.

"Yes" another voice, said,

"Our brilliant scientists from the Honen, Jhoto, and Kanto region will be in your experiment."

"Come" the deep voice said as a tall figure stood up along with 5 other figures, "We shall do the experiment."

See? Also, additional notes on this point. The fact that there are other people is already implicit from the fact that this guy spoke up to begin with. Second, there is no call for a comma after 'another voice'. Third, that's 'Johto' and 'Hoenn' rather than 'Jhoto' and 'Honen' and fourth...small numbers should be written out in letters, so that should be 'five' rather than '5'.

There is also one more thing I'd like to note here, but it's really evident in the example below. Your characters have a tendency for exposition talk, meaning that they cram in huge amounts of background information that they should - by all rights - assume the person they are talking to to already know. This makes your dialogue look very contrived and forced in places, for instance:

"Honey" the mother called, "Time for you to go to school." "Oh no!" the child said spitting his cereal all over the table, "Today is testing day! It's when we battle each other to see if we pass as a Pokemon Trainer! I'm gonna fail!"

...okay, so apparently Silver is just the most vocal thinker ever. First off, given how this is his mother and he's already failed four times, odds are good that she is already well aware what test he has today, and that everyone knows what he means by 'testing day'. Also, that kind of impromptu spazz attack is just...weird really. What, was he convenient amnesiac about the test until this point? Given how it's frightening enough to immediately trigger a spazz attack and how, again, this is his fifth time I somehow doubt that.

Similarly, if they all know what 'the experiment' is then the ever so shady baddies should by all rights also know what lackies will be conducting it and where. And that's not even getting to the big exposition anvil.

"Now Silver" the mother said turning around to reveal Misty as the mom

...direct blood relation to a major canon character. This could really, really have been introduced in a more subtle manner, especially considering how this is told from the viewpoint of Silver, who is her son and should most certainly know who his mother is already.

It just...feels like the anvil of exposition is being dropped on me time and time again. I understand the need to let people know what's going on, but please...try being a bit more subtle about it?

And speaking of subtleties, that brings us to the next point.

Then in a home at Pallet Town, a young boy was eating his cereal, Poke' Flakes. He was a cute boy for his age. The boy was wearing a yellow rain jacket and a pair of jeans with a nice pair of sneakers. His hair was sort of bushy, like his fathers.

Ignoring the the rather morbid question of what pokéflakes implies the flakes to be made of, the description here is just...chunky. Silver's description just becomes this huge speedbump in the narration during which nothing moves or develops in any way. That's not the only time this happens either.

A rat-like Pokemon popped out of Silver's ball. It was quite big and had long whiskers. Now, a bee-like Pokemon popped out of Jack's ball. It had huge stingers and attacked the rat.

This is awkward in general, and particularly in more fast-paced scenes like battles where you want to set up a quicker tempo for the narration, because excessive detail without any action going on slows the pace of the story down and makes it more tedious if you lean on it too much. Consider how many of the details you give are really necessary at any given time and distribute them accordingly; not everything needs to be explicitly described.

When he got home Misty (his mom) asked him how his day was.

...just in case we forgot that she was his mom since that was only explicitly stated earlier in this very same chapter? You should try to cut down on needless repetitions like this.

"While he was searching for Giovanni, he… dis-app-eared" Misty said with tears. "Daddy Ketchum" Silver thought closing his eyes, "Daddy Ash Ketchum."

I know this is probably intended to be an emotional moment, but...I'm not really feeling it. This is the one point of this chapter where more in-depth description of the situation would really have contributed and ironically it's the one that got no such attention.

Alright, next up, I want to talk a little about your approach to battles in this fanfic, because quite frankly there's a serious problem with them...

Silver asked, "You failed too?" "Shut up," Jack said walking to his side. "On your mark, get set, GO!!!" the teacher yelled. "Poke ball go!" Silver said chucking the ball. "Poke ball go" Jack said throwing the ball. This time, a butterfly-like Pokemon popped out and a snake-like Pokemon popped out of Jack's ball. "Butterfree use Tackle!" Silver said. The butterfly dashed toward Ekans. "Ekans, use Wrap" Jack said. The snake wrapped around the butterfly. "Apply yourself" the teacher's words rung in Silver head. "Butterfree, use Sleep Powder!" Silver said. The Pokemon did as commanded and knocked the snake to sleep. "Now use Confusion!" Silver said. Using Psychic powers, the butterfly lifted the snake up and awoke it.

...they're just not involving. It's a simple bap, bap back, bap, bap back pattern to my mind. It's just...devoid of any real tension, like watching one of those low-level battles ingame where both just bash away with their normal attacks. I'm not quite sure of the exact reason, but I do know that the constant attack calling is quite off-putting. A bit more creative improvisation would go a long way in improving the quality of the battles, I think; you're not tied to the game battle system, so don't be shy about taking advantage of this liberty.

Silver walked down to the water and skipped stones. Waves smashed on rocks near by and Silver noticed a thing on the rocks. He ran over to it and picked it up and tapped it's body to see if it would move. It was motionless. Silver ran to his house holding the Pokemon tightly in his arms. "Mom!" Silver said after he ran inside, "I need help!" Misty came dashing downstairs and saw the Pokemon. "I haven't seen one of those in a long time" Misty said, "It's a Piplup."

...you do realize of course, if you run with an injured pokémon in your arms you're liable to just make its injuries worse.

And again, there is a lack of description where there definitely should be some. It's rather disrespectful to call your partner-to-be a 'thing', wouldn't you say?

"Well it needs help" Silver said. Misty and Silver ran it to a Pokemon Center in Viridian City. "Oh such a darling Pokemon" Nurse Joy said, "What did you do to it?" "I did nothing" Silver said, "I just found it lying on the rocks." "Okay, we'll help" Nurse Joy said to Silver while handing Piplup to a Chansey. It took a long time for Piplup to heal. The light finally flashed off in the operating room and Joy came out and said, "It was a success!" Nurse Joy handed Silver the Piplup and the Piplup hugged Silver. Silver threw a Poke ball and captured Piplup in it.

...so wait, the ever-so-injured Piplup does not even get a full paragraph of concern before it's all better again? That...is a bit anti-climatic.

"That's my Pokemon" Karen sobbed. "Piplup Bubble!" Silver commanded to Piplup who was out of its Poke ball. The tiny penguin blasted a huge array of bubbles that hit Ariados. Ariados' attention shifted to Piplup and rushed toward it. "Piplup, hit it with Peck!" Silver commanded as the tiny penguins beak glowed and Piplup tried to hit the Ariados. The spider was too fast and dodged the attack. Now the Ariados came rushing toward Silver. "Piplup, Bubble again!" Silver said. The penguin hit the Ariados and the attention re-shifted to Piplup. "Peck!" Silver commanded to the penguin. Piplup jumped up in the air and its beak glowed. It came hurtling down and hit the spider square in the face. Then the giant spider fell down with its legs twitching. Silver threw a Poke ball at it and the ball wobbled for a bit. Then it stood still and Silver knew Ariados was captured.

"Thank you" Karen said to Silver. "You got the Charmander" Silver said remembering Charmander's empty Pokeball at professor Gary's lab. "Yes" Karen said. "Guess I better go" Silver said. "Wait I want to repay you" Karen said. "How?" Silver asked. "Here" Karen said handing Silver a Poke ball, "In that Poke ball is a baby Charmander. It is all I can do for you for now." They each left their different way and Silver was walking and noticed Steven. Steven was the coolest kid in class and Silver's best friend. He had a cap always on him and jeans with a yellow jacket that he left unzipped.

Well that...is extremely convenient. First off, I was under the impression that this is Kanto we are dealing with, so why am I faced first with the Sinnoh-native pokémon, Piplup, and then the Johto-native one, Ariados?

Second, this...is honestly stretching my willing disbelief. This Piplup is newly caught and Silver is a total rookie who couldn't even manage a simple one-on-one with a trained pokémon the day before and suddenly he is taking on an evolved pokémon (which should by all rights be stronger) that has already effortlessly owned a pokémon with a direct type advantage against it and that he catches it with a single ball? And he gets a magical baby Charmander of plot convenience on top?

Really now?

Honestly, this is a recuring problem with this chapter come to think of it. Sure, problems are presented for Silver, but rather than experiencing any real tension in overcoming them, he just breezes right through via the convenient miracle solution. Doubts about his battling ability? The generic teacher gives one motivational rant and suddenly he's winning without even breaking a sweat. No startes left? He just happens to - for no adequately explored reason - take a different path and find the Piplup of plot convenience. Piplup injured? Two effortless transitions later it's good as new. Looming Ariados of doom?

...actually, he just clobbers and catches it and gets a baby Charmander as a free bonus. Whopee?

Just...wondorously convenient solutions seem to pop up wherever this guy goes and that just kills any semblance of tension in the story.


All in all, you have enough things going on for more than just one chapter, but you just haven't developed them. Every obstacle encountered is cleared within the paragraph, ensuring minimal detail and no real character or plot development, and the fact that your main is already the child of two high profile canon characters who got the super special out-of-region starter is not helping matters. Your characters in general all also speak in the same, generic manner, leaving the impersonal and hard to distinguish from each other, a fact not helped by the lack of description of characters' emotions and behavior. Your narrative style is also a bit clumsy, and the description you do give is in large, pace-slowing chunks.

It's not a horrendously bad fic, but neither is it a really good one, it's just...extremely generic, run by a rather Gary-Stu tilted main. Slow down, take your time, and let the conflict develop before you resolve it. As it is, Silver is going through too many successes too fast. I suggest reading through the OWL Grammar Handouts, and checking the resources there in general. They should have the basics for what you need to make your description less chunky and more involving.

I do think you can make this into an interesting story, you just need to lean less on the clichés and take more time to tell your story.

 

[Teh Blazer]

I can see a lot of my errors, thank you for the opinions. With those in mind, I edited my first post for more corrections in my writing style. More of a different pace, and I also edited some of the events.