The start of Aaron's adventure

[Light Yagami]

Aaron's Hoenn challenge

Chapter 1
"Ahhhhhh can you smell the fresh air Glaceon?"Aaron asked his #1partner."GLLAAACCCEEEOOONNN!"roared Glaceon. Aaron had just stepped off the cruise ship with his pal Glaceon, and it was raining so hard glaceon just had to get in her pokeball straight away."I guess you'll want to get back in your ball huh? Return Glaceon!" "Well I wonder if i'll have a good challenge here like I did in Sinnoh?"Aaron thought to himself aloud. "Oh you won't find any better than right here! I challenge you!" Yelled out this girl.Aaron turned around "Oh I just got here, I haven't registered for Hoenn yet, and its pouring evees and glameows out here on this beach,why now?""Well aren't you the complainer, ok i'll show you the Pokemon Center and we'll battle tomorrow. Oh yeah, what the heck is a Glameow?" Asked the girl"And my name is Sabrina whats yours?""My name is Aaron and don't concern yourself with Glameows just yet, and why do you talk so fast?
"Uh boys are so dumb ok lets go!!!!

His name is Aaron,he was the Sinnoh league champ and he refuses to lose.
Stay tuned if you want to see more

 

[Pokemon Breeder Zoria]

Hmmm.

A one-paragraph beggining? It should have been longer.

Also, he started with Glaceon? Shouldn't he start with eevee, instead of it's final Evolution?

You have quite a few grammar mistakes, and when you do quotations, you need to put a space before and after. Like this:

ORIGINAL: "Ahhhhhh can you smell the fresh air Glaceon?"Aaron asked his #1partner."GLLAAACCCEEEOOONNN!"roared Glaceon.

Corrected: "Ahhhhhh, can you smell the fresh air, Glaceon?" Aaron asked his #1partner. "GLLAAACCCEEEOOONNN!" Roared Glaceon.

 

[diamondpearl876]

It says he was the Pokemon League champion, so it makes sense.

Anyway, like he said: make it longer and improve grammar/spelling.

You also start a new paragraph when someone different starts talking. Good luck with the next chapter.

 

[Scarlet Weather]

Um... Zoria is right that your beggining should be longer. Remember to start a new paragraph each time the speaker changes. (Let me give a quick example.)

"Ah, Glaceon, smell the fresh air!" the young boy exclaimed as he stepped of the cruise ship.

"Hey, you fool, this is just an example! Prepare to be hit with a leek!" Somebody unidentifiable in the crowd yelled.

See, the important thing there is putting the space between paragraphs and dialogue. Not that hard, is it?

Of course, describing your characters, setting, etc. is going to make me cry. Fanfics that don't do that burn my skin.

 

[Light Yagami]

yes my first attempt was crude but my additions will be way longer and better. thank-you for the criticsm as it has helped alot, the next chapter will be done in the next hours

 

[Light Yagami]

Chapter 2

Chapter 2
It was a fresh day in Lilycove city. The Pidgey were chirping and and it was sunny. The perfect day to train Aaron was thinking. He hopped out of bed and threw on a fresh shirt from his suitcase, grabbed his pokeballs and headed out of the Pokemon Center.

"Can we FINALLY have this battle?" Sabrina asked

"Hold your Horsea let me get some fresh air and we'll battle" Exclaimed Aaron

"Oh no, you have been putting this off long enough, GO Torkoal!" Sabrina yelled as she threw her pokeball.

"If thats what you really want, I suppose you'll be a good warmup." He yawned as he lazily sent out his Gastrodon.

Sabrina always was quick to start a batlle, however she didn't know what type or kind of pokemon this was. Since Aaron knew he had the type advanage he started with a strong Water Pulse, and Sabrina was so dumbfounded she couldn't command her Torkoal to move. Aaron knew what the outcome of this match would be, he knew his pokemon wouldn't be easily identified Hoenn and with that advantage he could take these trainers on no problem. The only thing he didn't know is that there were interested trainers who were watching and had already knew that his first pokemon, Gastrodon was a water type, or so they thought.

"Okay you beat just one of my pokemon, you think i'm some noob who can't think up a strategy? I'll get you now, GO Manetric! I'll devastate your Gastro-whatever it is"

"Oh now you can't beat me so you'll insult me AND my pokemon oh you will pay"

"Whatever lets go!" She yelled.

Now thinking she knew what to do she had her Manetric do a a thunder that seemed to come from the heavens, and when it struck Gastrodon it didn't even bat an eye.

"No, this isn't possible, whats your deal? Why didn't that Thunder destroy that thing?" Sabrina said in awe.

"I won't stand for your insults on my pokemon! You wanna know my 'deal', okay you'll see right now"

Aaron knew that his move would give up his Gastrodon's mystery to the whole crowd he had noticed behind him, but he had no choice, she had to pay for her insults.

"Okay Gastrodon do a Earthquake that'll give a ten on the richter scale!" Ordered Aaron

With no remorse at the damage Gastrodon knew it would deal out it shot out an Earthquake and Manetric just couldn't avoid it.

"Okay this pokemon won't lose, it can't lose" Sabrina reassured herself. "Go Skiploom!"

As soon as it was sent out Skiploom rose to the sky. Sabrina finally knew the perfect strategy to beat Gastrodon, she had Skiploom use Leech Seed on Gastrodon and it hit dead on. Gastrodon couldn't hit it with Water Pulse, Hidden Power, or Body Slam and Earthquake. It was a waiting game for Sabrina as the Leech Seed took effect and destroyed Gastrodon.

"Return Gastrodon. You did your best and did a great job." Aaron whispered to the pokeball. " Go buddy your up." He said as he sent out Glaceon.

Sabrina had seen Glaceon yesterday, she thought he would sart with that, thats why she had Torkoal up first, now Torkoal was out for the count.

"Skiploom Leech Seed once more!" Sabrina commanded.

Sabrina figured it worked once, why not again?

" This is where your precision training comes in handy Glaceon, Icebeam!" Ordered Aaron

With the beam of ice that Glaceon omitted, the Leech Seed froze up and and also knocked Skiploom right out the clear-blue sky.

"Okay, I'll admit your good, but.....when my teacher comes you'll be put to shame." Sniffed Sabrina

"Your teacher?" Asked Aaron
"That would be me" Said a shadowy figure that came from the crowd.

Stay tuned for the next chapter

 

[diamondpearl876]

That was a lot, lot better than before, though you're still missing some commas and periods.

BEFORE:
"Okay you beat just one of my pokemon, you think i'm some noob who can't think up a strategy? I'll get you now, GO Manetric! I'll devastate your Gastro-whatever it is"

"Oh now you can't beat me so you'll insult me AND my pokemon oh you will pay"

CORRECT:


"Okay, you beat just one of my pokemon. You think I'm some noob who can't think up a strategy? I'll get you now. Go Manetric! I'll devastate your Gastro-whatever it is."

"Oh, now you can't beat me, so you'll insult me and my pokemon, Oh, you will pay."

 

[Light Yagami]

Chapter 3

Chapter 3
"You see I don't like it when someone defeats my apprentices, it doesn't look good for my image." Said a rather old and perturbed man. He looked like a ninja right out of Aaron's old picture books.

"I didn't know this was a costume party." Laughed Aaron." I see and is Sabrina your apprentice? Your good enough to even have an apprentice?"

"I have seen all this pokemon world has to offer. I've been to all the regions so far and have over 100 pokemon. Do not underestimate me and take my age for weakness. Ok hotshot you think your so tough we'll have a battle tomorrow at noon." Declared the Mystery Ninja as he strided away on the dirt road out of Lilycove.

"Oookay your 'master' is a little out of it" Aaron told Sabrina.

"Never ever insult my teacher in front of me. He is the wisest and kindest man you'll ever meet. He took me in when I was six and taught me everything I know. His name is...well actually I don't know, I know him only as Teacher. Like he said he has been to many regions, and was the the Hoenn and Johto League Champ at one time."

"Well I am the Sinnoh League Champ, no old buzzard is going to beat me! Yelled Aaron.

This was when Sabrina had enough and clocked Aaron upside the head. This left Aaron with a huge,red, and thumping knot.

"What was that for!!!" Hollered Aaron while tears ran down his face.

"You can't say I didn't warn you" Shrugged Sabrina. "Well I guess we oughta head to the pokemon center huh?

And with that fake apology she dragged Aaron to the Pokemon Center since his eyes were still streaming with tears from the blow she had given him.

"Well your pokemon will be fine with my TLC, leave them here with me for a couple of hours, although the skiploom might take a while longer, that must have been some Icebeam." Beamed Nurse Joy.

" But Nurse Joy.....what am I supposed to do for all that time without my pokemon?" Whined Sabrina.

"I'm sorry but I can't help it. Your pokemon took serious damage. Who could you of possibly battled? Nurse Joy asked.

"That would be me" Aaron said as he took his pokeballs from the Pokemon center's Chansey. He had just registered. "Thanks chansey, well I wonder, how am I gonna challenge this-Sabrina shot him a warning glance-Teacher guy if he leaves town." Wondered Aaron.

"Oh he'll show, he never goes back on his word" Sabrina said.

Aaron treated Sabrina to a meal at the city's diner, he felt he owed her that much after defeaing her. Sabrina never shy, ordered everything on the menu.

"When I said I'd treat you to dinner, I never knew you'd have the apetite of a Snorlax. You know how many battles I'll have to win to pay off this meal, you'd better enjoy it" Mused Aaron.

"Why is it that you always have to complain, your like an old woman." Joked Sabrina.

So Aaron enjoyed his meal and Sabrina enjoyed hers, even though he complained the whole time, he took Sabrina to a pokemon puppet show. He'd never admit he liked it but he did. She had grown on him and vice-versa. When the night ended Sabrina went to the Pokemon Center to see about her pokemon, Aaron knew he couldn't get any more attached, he knew he had a path and she had hers. So he payed for a night in the Inn, tomorrow he would beat the old man and would start his quest for badges so that he could be the Hoenn League Champ.

Stay tuned for the next installment to see if Aaron does win his battle against the Teacher.
Criticsm is valued and appreciated

 

[Astinus]

I really really really need to stop sleeping during the day...

So, your fanfic has improved from the last I saw it, but there are a few things that need to be fixed still.

First of all, good choice on making your main character an already established Pokemon trainer. It's different from the new trainer that I've seen many times before.

As I said before, your story still needs some help. One of the main things that you can improve on is grammar. Good grammar is one of the main tools that a writer can have. Yes, I know that the English language is a difficult one to learn. But hey, that's why we're here. To give some help.

One of the best things that you can do is get yourself some sort of word processing program. These programs come with a spell-checker, to catch those misspelled words. Also, another wonderful thing about word processing programs is that you can save your chapter to work on it for as long as you think you need to, thus making it as perfect as you can get it.

Why is this important? Because you should never ever post a story that was written in an hour and not proof-read. It shows in some sort of mistake. Yes, some people can write a story in an hour, but they also go back and proof-read it to catch mistakes that they might have made, or add in a few scenes, or delete a few things. This way, they know that when they post a story, the readers are seeing the best that the writer can do. It might not be perfect. That's what reviewers are for, to tell you what needs improved.

So now let me help you out a bit with writing dialogue in a grammatically correct way. I'll show by example, because I find that it's easier on you to see how it's done. Plus, I have trouble explaining it.

"Why is it that you always have to complain, your like an old woman." Joked Sabrina.

"Why is it that you always have to complain? You're like an old woman," joked Sabrina.

I bolded the things that need to be explained.

"You're" is the contraction for "you are". "Your" is the possessive. Examples: "You're a strange little person!" "I stole your hat!"

When you have a dialogue tag, such as "joked Sabrina", the punctuation that goes in the quotation marks is a comma. This doesn't include question marks or exclamation points. So it's only for full stops. And since the dialogue tag is a continuation of the sentence, it remains uncapitalized.

Grammar is a confusing thing, so I understand if you don't get it right away. What you can do is practice writing and correcting as you go. Another way to pick up grammar is by reading a lot! By reading, either novels or other fanfiction, you can see how things are done. (Not just grammar-wise, but other things like description.)

Ah yes...description. You also need to have some more description. A good place to start is with the Pokemon battle. What does Gastrodon look like, or Torkoal, or anyone of the other Pokemon? What do the attacks look like? How do the Pokemon move when they use the attacks? What about the trainers as they command their Pokemon? What do the trainers feel?

At least try to answer these questions when you are writing a Pokemon battle. But on the other hand, don't go overboard with description! Just keep it on the simple side.

I think that covers it. If you ever need any more help or advice, check out the Basic Pokemon Writing FAQ v1.0. It's full of good advice that could prove helpful as you continue to write.

Good luck to you!

 

[Light Yagami]

thank you for the critiscm, my next chapter will take a little longer now because of upcoming events in my family, i'm sorry to say it might take much longer and won't be done for a couple days

 

[Scarlet Weather]

Eh, S'Ok. Rushing your chapters, unless you're on some kind of major caffeine high, generally turns out to be a bad idea. Don't sweat it if a chapter isn't done- but don't stop writing for long periods either, if you can help it.

 

[Mr_Plow7]

Yah wat they said okay ??? k

 

[Light Yagami]

Chapter 4

Chapter 4
Aaron got of bed with a white hot passion for battling this morning. He took a shower, ate breakfast and ran out out the Inn to find the Teacher. He ran to the Pokemon Center to first.

"Hey Brii. So today is the big match huh?" asked Aaron with confidence.

"Yeah I know. Today is the day the Teacher will teach you something," Sabrina said bitterly.

"Whats up with you?" He asked with concern.

"Skiploom....it...it...didn't make it!!!" She yelled in a furious crying fit. The mood suddenly turned hostile.

"Well its...its not my...fault I never asked to battle!" He yelled in a sudden fury "It's your responsibility as a trainer to give in when you know you're beat!"

This was when the whole Pokemon Center went silent and all you could hear was Sabrina's sobbing on the floor.

"I....I gotta go." whispered Aaron.

Tears ran down his face as he ran out the Pokemon Center. As he did he ran into the Teacher.

"Hold your Horsea Boy. We have a match and I intend on winning." He said calmly.

"Did your hear about Sabrina's Skiploom? I...I....killed it! I'm never battling again!" Aaron said in an uncontrollable fit of tears.

"Now hold on sonny, Sabrina is a Pokemon trainer and as such she must be able to handle intensely difficult situations. As do you, life is difficult. It's not a game, people and pokemon die. If you cannot handle this, don't you dare call yourself a Pokemon trainer!" roared the Teacher.

"Do you have a heart of stone? How can you say such things with no emotion?
I need time to myself and think things through." cried Aaron.

"No what you need is an intense battle. Tell you what we'll have a one on one battle. You win and you can do whatever you want kid.You lose and you can't quit till you beat me " the Teacher commanded with authority.

" No one is going to tell me when I battle." Then he thought about it. " Alright but this is going to be my last battle, and it will be victorious."

And with mush disdain he threw out his Electivire. And if you didn't know any better you would think it was a coordinator's entrance because a Thunderbolt came down as if it was a warning from the Gods. The Teacher sent out a Weavile that was raring for a battle.

"Giga Impact Electivire, this Weavile is strong but it won't last after this attack!" Roared Aaron. Surprising himself with his enthusiasm.

"I must watch out for this Electivie, it looks well trained" the Teacher thought to himself. Sucker Punch Weavile, we'll take him down quickly, I have other things on my agenda." The Teacher said indifferently.

As Electivire went after Weavile it ran right up on it gave one punch to Electivire's gut and Electivire was out for the count. None of the spectators could believe what they had just witnessed.

"What thats it! No way!" Aaron yelled as he ran to Electivire. "Buddy you okay?" He asked his partner. Electivire nodded and fell to the groound. Aaron returned his Electivire. "Don't worry you still did a good job" He whispered to his pokeball, it's kind of like the trademark of all good trainers follow Aaron figured.

" Sorry kid, you know what the deal was. I will meet you hear in exactly one year, and we will battle again." announced the Teacher.

"Fine you old buzzard, but I don't now what to do about Sabrina. What could I possibly do?" Aaron asked.

"She will travel with you, I'm am getting older now and I think I will retire to my mansion hidden in the cove, some crooks had taken it over so it's a mess...but I will be able to fix it up. She still needs to learn and I....I have taught her all I know." Said the Teacher finally showing emotion as his eyes watered.

"Even if...she could. She'd never agree to it. She hates my guts right now." Said Aaron looking back at the Pokemon Center. As he did he was surprised to see Sabrina right behind him.

"Now how do you know what I hate? Boys always think they know everything. About Skiploom, it's grave is being moved to Lavender Town's cemetary. I realize now that you was right, there is a point in which a trainer should give in to preserve his or her Pokemon. And about traveling with you...if Teacher thinks it is best I do too."

Her attitude surprised Aaron. "Wow this is kind of sudden, but I don't mind. I guess I have an apprenitce now, which means you must always call me Sensei." Aaron said in a gruff tone.

"Now hold it, I said I'd travel with you, now you're pushing it! She yelled with laughter as she clocked Aaron.

"What was that for!" Aaron cried with tears runing down his face.

Everybody laughed and it was the start of a new chapter in both their lives.

Stay tuned for the next installment as Aaron begins his Hoenn League Challenge.

 

[Light Yagami]

no love for the story? its okay my next chapter should be done by tomorrow

 

[bibi]

u just got emerald i got all pokemon games

 

[Light Yagami]

u just got emerald i got all pokemon games

Actually I have everyone of them and I beat them ALL without cheating

 

[silverfox]

Your story is ok. The first chapter was too short, you had grammar mistakes, and you rushed a little. Other then that your story was ok.

 

[Lxylia]

I have read all of this throughly. I'll say I didn't enjoy it one bit. you have lot to improve on. such as desrciptions, grammer...everyone has said what I need to say..

 

[Astinus]

Your grammar is all over the place still. In the beginning, it looked promising, like you followed the advice I gave you in the last review I left. Then things started going downhill, to the point where you were missing punctuation.

There really isn't anything more I can show you in terms of grammar. It's up to you now to make sure that everything is all right with your chapter before you post it. What this means is that you have to proof-read your chapter when you finish typing it to make sure that all mistakes are fixed. I've given you the tools, and it's up to you to use them.

I know proof-reading is a boring thing to do sometimes. But it is a major part of the writing process, especially if you are going to be releasing your story to the public eye. You make a good impression to the public if you have a good grasp of the mechanics. It shows that you take your story seriously, so the reader will too.

And whatever else I say was already said before by myself and other people.