the story of kairi and tori

[dittogirl]

chapter 1

Kairi got up and then she got ready for school. she could not wait till she got her first pokemon at prof.oak. it was only one day till she got her first pokemon. she knew what she wanted for her birthday a poke nav and poketch. she went out the door and then went too her friend tori house.

" hi tori. I So cant wait till i ask Matthew too be my bf "

"well do i still get too go on your journey with you even if he says yes."

" course "

later that day

" ok class take out your pokemon history books and read about pokemon rangers "

(that the teacher )

kairi thinks about what pokemon should she chose. there were 3 pokemon too chose from for the girls and 3 for the boys.

for girls:

1. mime.jr

2.roserade

3. ditto

for boys :

1.charamder

2. hunter

3. ditto


she knew what she want it was a ditto and she knew what Matthew want a hunter.

 

[dittogirl]

i am looking for advice on the next chapter if anyone has any for meh plz tell meh.

 

[Adventure-Chan]

It's a good story but, there are some slight problems. (Don't take this to bad, I make them to;))

This is a line from your story right?
" hi tori. I So cant wait till i ask Matthew too be my bf "

"well do i still get too go on your journey with you even if he says yes."

" course "

Well here's how it should be:
" Hi Tori! I so can't wait to ask Matthew too be my bf! " said Kairi excitedly.

"Well do I still get to go on your journey with you even if he says yes?" asked Tori

" Of course. "
Is that a little better? Oh and by bf do you mean Boyfriend or Bestfriend? Try to make it easier for the reader to understand. In the second part, you put under the first line 'that's the teacher' instead of that put one of these:

1: said the teacher.
2: exclaimed the teacher.
3: yelled(screamed) the teacher.
4: stated the teacher.

There are other possibilities but, these are pretty basic. Oh, and it would help if you put the teacher's name too. Remember be discriptive. Also check some of your spelling. I am just giving advice so, don't take it too seriously, for even the best make mistakes (me too!) so good luck with your fic!

 

[Astinus]

While Poke_Master1 started off giving you advice, there is a lot more to be said. And I'm here to say it.

Really what you have here isn't much of a chapter. Half of it is dry description to introduce the characters. The other half is made up of the Pokemon starters list. So let's start with the basics and move right on up.

You need help with the grammar. As you can see in my review, every first word of every sentence is capitalised. This is good grammar, and can make it easier on your readers to read your story. The other problem that you are missing with your sentences is punctuation. You need to properly punctuate every sentence. Otherwise, your story just looks careless. And to be honest, if the writer doesn't want to take the time to make their story the best that they can, then the reader doesn't feel like they should take the time to read it.

For the mix-up of the "to/too": "too" is another way to say "also." "I want to go too" could be said "I want to go also". "To" is a preposition. "I went to the store." So if you get confused, ask yourself if you need "also" or not.

A big problem for me with this is the change in starters. There is no reason, I can see, for Prof. Oak to change what starters he gives out. According to canon law, he gives out Bulbasaur, Charmander, and Squirtle to the new trainers, no matter what their sex is. He also wouldn't be handing out a Roserade to a new trainer, as those Pokemon are strong. The starters are perfect for the new trainers because it doesn't take much experience to know how to work with them.

There also needs to be more description. I don't know what Kairi or Tori look like; I don't know where they live; I don't know what the school looks like; I don't know how they feel. Take the time to slow down your story to describe the setting and the characters to your readers. Doing so will immerse your readers into your world.

And yes, I said to describe the feelings of your characters. You want them to feel human, because readers connect with characters that feel. And if your readers care, then they'll keep coming back. So ask yourself how Kairi feels as she is about to head out on her journey. Scared? Excited? Nervous? Add this into your story. You want your readers to cheer on your characters, and by making them feel real, they'll keep coming back for more.

Other than that, there's nothing much more I can comment on. Even though I've read multiple "original trainer" fics, I still give each one a chance. So keep writing your chapters.

You might want to read through this thread. It's full of useful information on writing, more in-depth than I could do so in a review.

Good luck to you.

 

[dittogirl]

ok ty for the advice i loved everything about it but one thing.
the starter pokemon is up too the writer and i think it dont matter i mean some storys dont even have those i mean it just that maybe i want it too be diffrent and i dont like it bc it kinda copying the show. and i think i am going too rewrite the chapter.

pokemon master ty for helping meh about that i should say said or stuff i was really worried if should of did that

 

[Astinus]

o_O Prof. Oak gives out the three Kanto starters, no matter what. It's a fact proven in canon. If you want to have different starters, come up with a different way to get them out to the trainers. Because Oak gives out only Bulbasaur, Charmander, and Squirtle. He wouldn't give out Pokemon that aren't even native to the region that he's in. Just because a writer can do whatever they want doesn't mean that they can break what is canon law.

But if you are going to rewrite the chapter, it doesn't really matter.

 

[Adventure-Chan]

Sorry to spoil it but, Hanako Tabris is right. If your going to change the starters either, have a new Prof. or a new Region. Maybe you can change the Prof.