Chapter 1A: You started it great, implying to the readers Keith's occupation/hobby with a single line. Yup, it's that line and its next one that got me.
Keith's world narrowed down to a criss-cross of black lines, notched with smaller lines for reference points. His brown hair was kept just long enough to sway in the breeze, and his eyes, bleached a pale green from staring so long through refractive lenses, blinked so infrequently that people called him 'snake'.
Chapter 1B: I'm getting more ideas on how your world runs on this chapter. Though morbid, I think these lines stood out for me.
Hanek, owner of the hunter's lodge, kept a small collection of his favorite acquisitions. A salamence pelt, stretched out in a hoop with living saplings, hung behind the counter. Teeth necklaces, furry pelts, mounted horns, strands of braided hair, jars of pokemon eyes, and jagged claws decorated other walls and shelves in the lodge.
AND
Old pokemon skins and feathers hung from the walls, and an enormous charizard pelt covered the floor, providing a tough, rubbery carpet that felt pleasantly warm on bare feet.
Chapter 2: Now this is just cruel. Not that I don't like it, though.
Once the wagons were loaded, Keith and the other villagers jumped onto the sixth wagon. With a crack of a whip, the domestic tauros, stripped of its horns and firmly fastened to the harness, pulled the wagon forward with a small grunt.
Chapter 3: These lines show that Keith isn't just a hunter, but a human. A nice symbiosis here.
Keith readied his knife, but his arm brushed against his bulging pack, reminding him that he didn't have the room for a kill. Instead, he looked at the cakes in his lap and tossed one towards the rattata.
It took a few cautious steps towards the pastry, sniffed it, and took a small bite. It seemed astounded by the taste of honey and gobbled the rest in a few oversized bites, then it took a long drink from the spring before running off.
AND
Throughout the afternoon, the rattatta came down from the trees each time he stopped. He gave it pieces of honey cake, and in return, the ratatta provided a variety of berries. Round blue ones, nutty little green ones, and some berries too fantastical to describe fell from the branches as he walked. He tested each one for poison, but none of the berries made him sick.
Also,
OH NO moment here.
When Keith pushed up from what he tumbled upon, he felt the scaly texture of a charizard's foot.
Chapter 4
There were a few brown patches in its fur and it seemed bigger than before. Before his eyes, the ratatta started to glow, and within a few seconds, it turned into a raticate.
Well that was quick.
that's what she said
I understand how the days passed by for this one, but it felt too quick for me. Like, he evolved a while ago then (spoiler alert) died.
Chapter 5
He put his eye to his scope, and his amazement grew tenfold. He saw pokemon of all varieties gathering water, cleaning their homes, sweeping the streets, and selling wares in little shops clustered around a market district.
Did...did he just find Treasure Town?
Or probably Valer community
Every footstep added another detail to his nearly dreamlike state of awareness, where he could almost visualize everything around him in a blue haze. This is how he sensed the assassin before he saw her.
Somehow I felt like I was the character with this line. And somehow, I feel like this is going to be something big.
Chapter 6: It would take too long to quote, but the lines after Ty'mir put Keith to sleep(or whatever he did) were a bit confusing. How did he change him? I guess the next chapters will tell.
Keith gestured for the keys, and the ursaring gave the ring to him. Then Keith held out his sniper.
Is this what they call a wordplay? It kinda got me.
Chapter 7: You hit the feels on these lines.
"Life is full of surprises. I never thought I'd hold the hand that killed my daughter. And yet, here I am." She peered closer at his calluses, leaning so close that Keith could feel her breath on his hand.
"I don't even remember what she looked like. My daughter. Every time I try to picture her, I see her face instead."
Clumsy moments here, they made me laugh.
Keith reached up to touch his face and stopped an inch short of shocking himself. He whirled around and strode back to the smithy. As Verra crossed the door, Keith slammed his left hand onto the anvil, and the pile of gunpowder sitting on it exploded.
Verra screamed and jumped out the door. Keith hunched over and held his hands over his ears.
"Ow, damn it."
Dakkel lumbered over and asked "Are you okay?" He tried helping Keith up, but Keith, noticing the orange glow of Dakkel's hands, yelped and rolled away.
Chapter 8
Verra was puzzled; Keith seemed too tense for him to simply have distaste for getting wet.
"What about a ford?"
"This is the ford! Can't you swim?"
"Any bridges?"
Verra started to chuckle. "You seriously can't swim, can you?"
Cute moment here. Also, a great way to imply that Keith has something like a fear for water. It adds color to the character.
Chapter 9
Keith spent the next two hours digging alongside thirty other pokemon. It surprised him how efficiently they could move dirt, whether with their arms, or with blasts of water, or by simply eating it. By the time the cannon was ready, the trench was fifty feet deep, twenty feet wide, and hundreds of feet long.
This line implies the diversity of the community in an excellent way. It leaves the readers to guess what Pokemon they are, which isn't a bad thing.
"A hundred feet. Now what?"
Dakkel and Keith wrapped the wire around the cannon's barrel in a tight coil, then he stripped each end with his knife. One end was held up at the cannon's base, and the other was trailed away from the cannon and planted into the ground. The tyranitar was clambering its way out of the trench, and Izzo was still nowhere to be found.
Dakkel asked "What now?" as he rolled the cannonball down the barrel.
I think that sounded repetitive, even though it was just reversed. Or was it Keith that said the first line? Either it's repetitive, or it's confusing.
Chapter 10
"What can I say?" Ty'mir asked, waving his cane. "I'm a selfish bastard and I'm unfit for leadership."
"You're unfit? I can't even stand to be around people. Crowds give me headaches, and anytime there's a party, even when it's for me, I always sneak off and sit alone."
"I'm blind as a bat! I couldn't even tell you where the door was in my own house!"
"I can't swim!" Keith shouted. "Do you think I'd have anyone's respect if they saw me try to cross a river?"
"I'm so frail, I can't even walk across my own home without a cane, much less a river!"
This made me laugh hard, although I think I shouldn't be. Probably because I'm like that when I'm being handed a responsibility.
It's very interesting how Psychic works in Keith's world. They can heal wounds and transfer thoughts. I don't watch the anime that much, but I don't think Psychic-type has been expounded in the series. Which leaves us writers to get creative.
