[Pokémon] Treasure Child

[Mirasec]

Prologue​

I was always told that I'd never have any friends. Well, not by my parents, but by everyone else and their parents. You see, no one liked me. I have no idea why. I was always nice to everyone, I listened to the adults, and was kind to every living thing, especially Pokémon.
Though my brother says it's because I look weird. (But he thinks I look fine; his friends tell him that.) Not that I think so. I look exactly like everyone else: two arm, two legs, a head, hair, eyes, nose, mouth, ears, etc. But there is one difference, but it's not that big. My eyes are dark green, while my hair is light green with dark green streaks in it. That's my natural hair color. See? Nothing wrong with it.
Like most people in this world, we live with Pokémon. (The "we" is my town.) We see Pidgeys, Rattatas, Caterpies, and Weedles a lot. Though we don't go too near Weedles or Rattatas much, since they can be dangerous, like Spearows. We always live happily with Pokémon, since we've never done anything to anger them, like construction workers sometimes do.
Our lives were perfect, but of course that had to come to an end. Our town was invaded by a group of people that called themselves Obsidian. They went all over town, trapping all the Pokémon and beating trainers that resisted. But people resisted who weren't trainers. Those people were killed. That included my parents. Our whole town was wiped off the map, since Obsidian's leader had a strong Pokémon on her side. I think it's called Diglett. It dug holes all over the place, making all the buildings collapse, and making the land look like it's never been lived on.
Most of the inhabitants of our town were dead. Obsidian killed all of the promising trainers, and all of the adults who objected. They even killed the kids who objected. The rest of us, which was a whopping 27, fled. Each of us went our separate ways, families staying together. But before we split up, each of us agreed to spread the word about Obsidian's cruelty. And we did. Every town that my brother and I went to, we told them all about it. We told them at the Pokémon Center when my brother healed his Pokémon. I haven't found any yet, since I'm scared of them because of Obsidian. My brother says that it's understandable, since I'm still a kid, but I always tell him that I'm not a kid anymore. I'm ten!
One day, while we were in a Pokémon Center getting his Pokémon healed, I saw an Obsidian member walking around outside. I ran and told my brother and we hid in the Center behind the desk with the nurse. Then the Obsidian member came in.
"Where are the boys?" he demanded.
"N-Nowhere, sir." The nurse said.
"I know they're here! The townspeople said they were!" he yelled.
"Sir, they're hiding behind the desk." Someone said.
"Clement! Why?" the nurse exclaimed.
"Good job. I will talk to Marigold about you becoming a deputy." the man said.
"Cool!" Clement said. Then we heard the door open and shut.
"You might as well come out, boys. There's no use hiding." he said.
My brother slowly stood up and told me to stand up too.
"There you are. Did you know that you two are the last ones that need to be hunted down?" the Obsidian member asked with a smile.
"Jacob, does that mean….?" I asked my brother.
"Kaspar, hush." my brother whispered.
"Yes, it does. Boy, you are weird-looking." the man said.
"Leave him alone." Jacob said.
"What does he mean? I don't look weird. Is it true that everyone else is dead?" I asked.
"Yes, it does mean that you two are the last ones of your little village." the man said, then looked at Jacob brother, "Your little brother should not be here. I don't know why your mother didn't get rid of him. A child that looks like that shouldn't be alive. Though he'll be dead soon anyway."
The evil Obsidian member pulled out a pokeball and let a Machop out.
"My brother is perfectly fine the way he is. He does not need to be eradicated." Jacob said through clenched teeth.
"If you boys are going to fight, get out of here!" the nurse yelled, "I don't want anybody or any Pokémon getting hurt in this Center!"
"Yes, Ma'am. Get outside." Jacob said to the Obsidian member.
"Agreed. Wouldn't want to hurt any ladies in here." the man said, leering at the women.
"Out!" the nurse screeched.
Once we were outside, my brother looked around and saw something. Then me bent down and started whispering to me.
"Kaspar, I want you to run as fast as you can to that cave. Take this lantern and get yourself as last as you can so they can't follow you." he instructed.
"But what about you?" I asked.
"I'll follow as soon as I beat this guy." he told me, "Now go!"
I took off running as fast as I could. When I reached the tunnel entrance, I stopped and looked back. My brother was already battling him. And from what I could tell, he's losing. He's only got three Pokémon with him, and as I watched, one after another lost. First, his Fearow was beaten. Then his Rattata, and lastly, his Wooper, which was his favorite. Then I watched as the Obsidian member killed my brother. He took all of Jacob's Pokémon for himself, and tossed Jacob's body into the woods. Then he came after me. I ran inside the cave and ducked around the corner. I heard him walk to the entrance and stop.
"You! Boy! You come out right now!" the man demanded.
"I don't listen to murderers." I said, which echoed.
"Then rot in there for all I care! You won't ever come out! The monster in there will get you, since this is the only entrance and I'll have an Obsidian guard posted here at all times. You won't leave here alive." he said, then left.
I made a marking on the wall so I would know to never go that way again. Then I went to explore my new home.

 

[Mirasec]

Does anyone think I should continue with this? Does anyone think it's good?

 

[Bay]

Does anyone think I should continue with this? Does anyone think it's good?

Hi! I first want to say whether you should continue or not is your choice and yours only. I can understand feeling down not getting comments right away as I've been there myself and reason my I haven't been motivated to write sometimes. Even if that's the case, if you're still interested in this story then go for it!

While I'm still here, I do have a few stuff I want to point out. First thing is when posting online, you should double space after each paragraph so it makes reading for other people easier. Something to consider!


Another thing is there are a few instances were sentence structure could use some work.

But people resisted who weren't trainers. Those people were killed. That included my parents. O

These few sentences seem to have the same length, so the flow seems stale when you read aloud. You can add the first two or three sentences together and have it like this:

"But people resisted who weren't trainers, those people were killed. That included my parents."

"But people resisted who weren't trainers, those people were killed and that included my parents."

One other thing I want to point out is several times when you have dialogue you put period instead of commas. For instance

"Where are the boys?" he demanded.
"N-Nowhere, sir." The nurse said.
"I know they're here! The townspeople said they were!" he yelled.
"Sir, they're hiding behind the desk." Someone said.
"Clement! Why?" the nurse exclaimed.
"Good job. I will talk to Marigold about you becoming a deputy." the man said.

The instances where a period should be replaced with a comma (and also where in dialogue tags the first word not a pronoun shouldn't be capitalized):

"Where are the boys?" he demanded.

"N-Nowhere, sir," the nurse said.

"I know they're here! The townspeople said they were!" he yelled.

"Sir, they're hiding behind the desk," someone said.

"Clement! Why?" the nurse exclaimed.

"Good job. I will talk to Marigold about you becoming a deputy," the man said.

See how the dialogue reads a bit better after fixing the punctuation a bit? If you google stuff on dialogue punctuation, you should get some good advice on that!

"Yes, it does mean that you two are the last ones of your little village." the man said, then looked at Jacob brother, "Your little brother should not be here. I don't know why your mother didn't get rid of him. A child that looks like that shouldn't be alive. Though he'll be dead soon anyway."

The bolded part you can either just have "Jacob" or put "my brother".

As for the story so far, don't have too much thoughts yet as it's only the prologue/first chapter. The mentions of the main character "looking different" doesn't look too promising to me, to be honest. I know you have this story called Treasure Child, but these kind of stories where everything and everyone seems to revolve around one character because they're "special" aren't my thing save for a few exceptions. I do want to see how the next few chapters will unfold before I make judgement, though, so I wish you luck on those!

 

[Mirasec]

Hi! I first want to say whether you should continue or not is your choice and yours only. I can understand feeling down not getting comments right away as I've been there myself and reason my I haven't been motivated to write sometimes. Even if that's the case, if you're still interested in this story then go for it!

I do plan on going for it! I'm in the middle of writing the first chapter! :D

While I'm still here, I do have a few stuff I want to point out. First thing is when posting online, you should double space after each paragraph so it makes reading for other people easier. Something to consider!

Thanks for the tip!

Another thing is there are a few instances were sentence structure could use some work.



These few sentences seem to have the same length, so the flow seems stale when you read aloud. You can add the first two or three sentences together and have it like this:

"But people resisted who weren't trainers, those people were killed. That included my parents."

"But people resisted who weren't trainers, those people were killed and that included my parents."

One other thing I want to point out is several times when you have dialogue you put period instead of commas. For instance



The instances where a period should be replaced with a comma (and also where in dialogue tags the first word not a pronoun shouldn't be capitalized):

"Where are the boys?" he demanded.

"N-Nowhere, sir," the nurse said.

"I know they're here! The townspeople said they were!" he yelled.

"Sir, they're hiding behind the desk," someone said.

"Clement! Why?" the nurse exclaimed.

"Good job. I will talk to Marigold about you becoming a deputy," the man said.

See how the dialogue reads a bit better after fixing the punctuation a bit? If you google stuff on dialogue punctuation, you should get some good advice on that!

I've always written my stories like that, and no one has had a problem before........ Since I did publish a book and am working on publishing a new one....



The bolded part you can either just have "Jacob" or put "my brother".

Oops. That was a mistake.

As for the story so far, don't have too much thoughts yet as it's only the prologue/first chapter. The mentions of the main character "looking different" doesn't look too promising to me, to be honest. I know you have this story called Treasure Child, but these kind of stories where everything and everyone seems to revolve around one character because they're "special" aren't my thing save for a few exceptions. I do want to see how the next few chapters will unfold before I make judgement, though, so I wish you luck on those!

Really? Stories like that aren't interesting for you?

 

[Bay]

Really? Stories like that aren't interesting for you?

Part of the reason is because sometimes stories like that the character is often handed stuff easily instead of working hard to earn something. I don't meant your story is like that as we're only at the beginning, so like I said I'll give it a few chapters first before making judgement. Sorry for being picky, haha.

 

[Mirasec]

Part of the reason is because sometimes stories like that the character is often handed stuff easily instead of working hard to earn something. I don't meant your story is like that as we're only at the beginning, so like I said I'll give it a few chapters first before making judgement. Sorry for being picky, haha.

He won't be given things....remember: Obsidian wants him dead, so people will turn him in.
And...how do you separate the quotes like your first comment?

 

[Mirasec]

Chapter 1​

I woke up facing the same wall that I've seen for the past five years. I got up, putting on what was left of my clothes, and went to the little stream that runs here. Then I took the lantern, which still worked, and went to my special wall. There, I put the lantern down and counted my marks, adding one. Huh. Tomorrow's my birthday. Who knew?

Just then, the lantern flickered, and I felt something go by my face. I froze. It has to be a Pokémon! If it is, then that means that it's the first one I've met since coming in here. I grabbed the lantern and ran back to my bed, which is made of cloth that I found. I sat there in silence, but didn't feel or hear anything. I breathed a sigh of relief. I went to the opposite corner where I put all the items that I've found over the years. As I looked through it, I found something that wasn't there before. I picked it up and looked at it closer. It's a bottle. It says….. nothing. I opened it and sniffed. It's oil for my lantern. Perfect! I don't know where it came from, but it's definitely appreciated.

"Thanks!" I said aloud. I poured the oil into the lantern. Since I found that, I can go look farther and replenish my food supply, which is mushrooms.

I left my little cave that I had found and went in a new direction, diagonal. I kept going that way until I found a wall. Then I kept walking until I found a doorway, keeping my hand on that wall. It had no mark on the side of it, so I haven't gone that way yet. Sweet! An undiscovered area.

I stayed close to the wall until I saw something shiny in the middle of the room, or passageway. I walked toward it, and it revealed itself to be a sphere shaped dirt ball. Yes, it was covered in dirt. I picked it up and started to knock the dirt off. Once I got rid of the dirt, I realized that I had found a pokeball. What kind, I have no idea. Though half of it is purple. I bent down and realized that there were six other dirt spheres on the ground. I guessed that all of them were pokeballs. I found that I guessed right when I cleaned the dirt off. None of the pokeballs were the same colors. Normally, I would leave them there, but his time, I decided to keep them. I put them in the bag that I had found a long time ago that I carry with me everywhere.

Then I smelled something. This something smelled like my favorite mushrooms: the blue ones. No, none of the mushrooms I eat are poisonous, and I know that for a fact, since my father always took us out into the woods and taught us about foraging for food. He told us which ones were poisonous, but I can only remember what they look like, not their names.

I followed the smell and found a big clump of mushrooms in a damp corner. There were a lot of blue ones. I picked all the ones that weren't poisonous and stuck them in my bag. Then I looked over the rest of the room. Nothing but a hunk of gold, not that I can use it.

So then I left the room and continued looking around. The next seven doorways that I came to had marks beside them, so I didn't go inside, since I had already explored them, hence the marks. Then I came to an unmarked doorway. That's when I realized that I had forgotten to mark the doorway of the room I just discovered. Ugh. Now I'll have to explore it again.

I went through the doorway, making a mark outside of it, and followed the right side wall. When I reached a corner, something flew in my face, causing me to drop the lantern. It shattered, most likely spilling the new oil that I had put in there all over the ground. Now I have no light. And I'm alone with whatever that was that flew in my face. It's either a bat or a Pokémon.

"Hello?" I called out cautiously. I heard a chittering from somewhere in the darkness.

"Who or what is out there?" I asked, but all I heard was my voice being echoed back to me. I breathed a sigh of relief, and then froze when I heard a sigh of relief behind me. I slowly turned around….. and felt wind on my face and heard wings flapping. There is a Pokémon in front of me. I am too scared to move. Especially since the only Pokémon I can think of that has wings and lives in caves are Zubats. And I think that those have fangs. The Zubat made the sigh again. Then I heard it yawn. Its wingbeats got closer to my face, and that's when I took off running. I ran down any open area that I could find. I ran until I couldn't run anymore. Then I collapsed to the cave floor. I think that I had lost the Zubat a long time ago. I rested right there for a while until I got my strength back. Then I stood up and took stock of my surroundings. There doesn't seem to be any Pokémon nearby, so I can explore this area a little.

I put my right hand on the wall and froze. Where I expected to feel cold, hard rock I felt a soft and big something. When I saw eyes open, I knew that it was a giant Pokémon. My heart started to beat very fast. I saw the glint of teeth and knew that I was done for. I felt its claws on my shoulder. I hate to admit this, but I don't remember anything after that, since I fainted.







It's another addition to my story!!! :D :D :D

 

[AwesomeOnix]

I really like it so far! Maybe you should tighten it a bit. Leave out the unnecessary stuff.

 

[Mirasec]

I really like it so far! Maybe you should tighten it a bit. Leave out the unnecessary stuff.

what do you mean, unnecessary?

 

[Bay]

I really like it so far! Maybe you should tighten it a bit. Leave out the unnecessary stuff.

I do agree with Mirasec that you could explain a bit more which parts are unnecessary. I do think you probably meant the narrator looking around for a while, but more description as to which parts you think should be improved doesn't hurt!

Anyways, Mirasec, I have a few suggestions under spoiler first.

Spoiler:

Normally, I would leave them there, but his time, I decided to keep them.

"This."

Then I smelled something. This something smelled like my favorite mushrooms: the blue ones. No, none of the mushrooms I eat are poisonous, and I know that for a fact, since my father always took us out into the woods and taught us about foraging for food. He told us which ones were poisonous, but I can only remember what they look like, not their names.

I followed the smell and found a big clump of mushrooms in a damp corner. There were a lot of blue ones. I picked all the ones that weren't poisonous and stuck them in my bag. Then I looked over the rest of the room. Nothing but a hunk of gold, not that I can use it.

So then I left the room and continued looking around. The next seven doorways that I came to had marks beside them, so I didn't go inside, since I had already explored them, hence the marks. Then I came to an unmarked doorway. That's when I realized that I had forgotten to mark the doorway of the room I just discovered. Ugh. Now I'll have to explore it again.

Some repetition of "then" there.

I breathed a sigh of relief, and then froze when I heard a sigh of relief behind me.

Also repetition of "sigh of relief" there. Perhaps the bolded part "I heard someone or something making the same sound."

Okay with that out of the way, not too much action going on like last chapter/prologue, but I'm not bothered by that too much. I like the bit about Kaspar's father teaching him about poisonous mushrooms. The mentions of the Pokeballs being different colors held my interest and I admit to chuckling over the appearance of the Zubat. With Kaspar just fainted, I do wonder what kind of direction you'll have the story next and look forward to that!

 

[Mirasec]

I do agree with Mirasec that you could explain a bit more which parts are unnecessary. I do think you probably meant the narrator looking around for a while, but more description as to which parts you think should be improved doesn't hurt!

Anyways, Mirasec, I have a few suggestions under spoiler first.

Spoiler:

"This."



Some repetition of "then" there.



Also repetition of "sigh of relief" there. Perhaps the bolded part "I heard someone or something making the same sound."

Okay with that out of the way, not too much action going on like last chapter/prologue, but I'm not bothered by that too much. I like the bit about Kaspar's father teaching him about poisonous mushrooms. The mentions of the Pokeballs being different colors held my interest and I admit to chuckling over the appearance of the Zubat. With Kaspar just fainted, I do wonder what kind of direction you'll have the story next and look forward to that!

thanks for the advice! glad you like to story! im actually working on the next chapter!
(though I can't believe that I made that mistake....his instead of this.....wow.)

 

[Mirasec]

Chapter 2​

I looked at the boy skeptically. This is the special child I was told about? He's still a boy! On top of that, he's tiny!
"Everyone is tiny to you." rumbled a deep voice.
"Oh, stop that." I said, turning to my friend, Aggron, who I called Egg.
"But it's true." He said, crossing his arms.
"But how can this… thing be the child that Arceus spoke of?" I asked.
"Phase, remember, he said: 'The Treasure Child will have matching hair color and eye color, and it will be unique.' That boy's hair and eyes are green." Egg said.
"Yeah, yeah. I never expected that the 'Treasure Child' would be this frail thing." I snapped, exasperated.
"Accept it! Let's just take him with us. He's got to be freezing in those rags." Egg said.
"He's lived here for five years. And he said something about a birthday tomorrow." Zu, a Zubat said.
"How do you know that?" I asked, amazed.
"I've been watching him, and he talks to himself without realizing it. He likes blue mushrooms." Zu added.
"He came here when he was ten? Why?" Egg asked.
"An Obsidian member killed his brother and then chased him in here." Zu explained.
"He'll be… sixteen tomorrow!" I exclaimed.
"It's almost like a coming of age thing. Hurry up. We'll take him to your mountaintop home, Phase. I don't have clothing or pillows in mine. Hey Zu, why don't you get his stuff?" Egg suggested, picking up the boy.

Zu flew back to get the boy's things while Egg and I headed toward my home. It's a wonder that he never found his way there, especially since he's obviously explored every day. What else would he have done in a cave?

Once we reached my home, Egg went inside and laid the boy on a couch.
"Wow. Phase, you've gotten a lot more things since the last time I was here." Egg said.
"Well, it's just that the humans like me for some reason." I said, "Plus, it's not that much."
"It's a lot, seeing that I was here two days ago." Egg said, grabbing a blanket and putting it on the boy.
"Where is Zu?" I asked.
"Here I am!" he squeaked, "His things are heavy."
"Of course they are. You're small." Egg said, taking the bag that was weighing Zu down like it was nothing.
"Hey! I like being small… Sometimes." Zu said.
"Hey, what are these? I've never seen pokeballs like these before." Egg said, pulling out seven different colored spheres. One was purple, one was orange, one was green, one was blue, one was white, one was red and blue, and the last one is red, black, and white.
"Oh! The first one is a Master Ball. You can tell that by the M on the front. The second one is a plain pokeball. You don't see them since humans use the Ultra ball to try and catch you." I pointed out.
"Yeah… that's true." Egg said.
"The green one is a Safari ball. It's used in a specific area. The blue one is a Net ball, the white one is a Premier ball, the red and blue one is a Great ball, and the last one is a Timer ball." I finished.
"Huh. That's too much to remember. How do you do it?" Egg asked.
"There's nothing else to do, other than keep Groudon and Kyogre in check." I told him.
"That seems like your only job, so that is boring." Zu said.
"My question is, is why does he have the pokeballs if he doesn't have a Pokémon?" Egg asked.
"Yeah…. You're right. He also seemed scared of me for some reason." I said.
"Well, he did faint." Zu pointed out.
"Yeah, that's true." Egg said, "But what will he do when he wakes up and sees us?"
"Um... die?" I guessed.
"Be realistic." Egg said.
"He'd faint again!" Zu exclaimed, "Hey! He does like blue mushrooms!"
"Leave his food alone! Before he wakes up, we should hide and come out one by one, starting with the smallest." I said, taking the bag from Zu and putting all of the boy's items back inside.
"Phase, that's actually a good idea. Let's do it." Egg agreed.
"Okay! That means that I'm first, then Egg, and then you Phase!" Zu exclaimed.

Just then, the boy groaned and rolled over.
"Quick! Everyone hide! Wait until he's familiar with his surroundings before coming out, got it?" Egg asked.
"Yup!" Zu confirmed.
"Let's hide!" I hissed.

 

[Mirasec]

Chapter 3​

What happened? I groaned and slowly opened my eyes, expecting to see the dark cave. Instead, I saw blinding sunlight. I grabbed the nearest thing to me to cover my eyes with and froze. The thing was soft. I cautiously opened my eyes and looked at what I was holding. I had… a thick blanket in my hand, a thick pink blanket. I looked up and around and saw that I was in a huge building. It's obviously dedicated to a Pokémon, since there are carvings everywhere of many different Pokémon, mostly ones I've never heard of. I looked around for my bag and saw it beside me. I grabbed it and held it close. Who brought me here?
"Hello?" a timid voice called out. I visibly jumped. I didn't know anyone was here.
"Who's there?" I asked, looking more closely at my surroundings.
"Just me, Zu." the voice said.
"Where are you?" I asked shakily, holding my bag closer, "Show yourself."
"Okay…"
​

From behind one of the pillars, a Zubat came fluttering out. I froze, though I think a squeak escaped from me first.
"Oh, please don't faint again! That wouldn't be good!" it exclaimed.
"You… talk?" I managed to squeak out.
"You understand me!" the Zubat exclaimed, "Well, of course you do. We've been talking for a little while."
"You… talk." I repeated.
"Yes, we went over that. All Pokémon talk. It's just that no one ever understands us." he said.
"You said… you name was … Zu?" I asked.
"Correct!" he squeaked happily.
"Wait. You're a male. How'd I know that?" I thought aloud.
"Whoa… You did? Weird. I don't know anything about that. That kind of thinking is for Egg." Zu said.
"Who's Egg?" I asked.
"Whoops. Cat's out of the bag. The beans are spilled. The toothpaste is out of the tube. That's why I'm not trusted with secrets." Zu rambled.
"Um… Again, who's Egg?" I asked.
"Since Zu already said something, I might as well come out and say hi." a voice said. It's another guy. But definitely a Pokémon. The owner of the voice walked out and stood in the light. He's scary looking. I think he's an Aggron, but I'm not sure, since I've never seen one before.
"Nice to meet you. I'm Egg. You are?" he asked.
"I'm… Kaspar. You're a big Pokémon." I said hesitantly.
"Yeah, most people who meet me don't say that. They normally say something along the lines of 'I'm gonna catch you!' or something like that." Egg said, shrugging. When he said the "I'm gonna catch you!" line, he did a funny stance. So I chuckled.
"Why'd you do that?" Zu asked, meaning the stance.
"To get a laugh out of him and to make him more comfortable around Pokémon. Especially since the "owner" of this establishment is in here." Egg said.
"The owner?"I squeaked, "Where are we? How can I understand you? How can I tell that both of you are boys?"
"Yeah. The owner is over there." Egg said, pointing at a column a few feet away, "We're at the top of the mountain, which is where your cave home led. I don't know how you can understand us, but I bet that Arceus knows the answer to both of those questions, since I don't."
​

I didn't say anything, since I figured that this "owner" is bigger than Egg's six foot eleven frame. Then I thought of something.
"Who's Arceus?" I asked, deciding not to mention anything about the "owner".
"He's like… the creator of the universe!" Zu exclaimed.
"Something like that." Egg said.
"Do you think I can come out now? Would he be fine if he saw me? He won't faint?" a voice asked. The voice sounded neither male nor female.
"Would you be okay?" Egg asked me.
"S-Sure." I stammered.
​

There was movement from ceiling to floor, and I could only sit in half terror, half shock, as the Pokémon revealed itself. I had to look at it again, since I couldn't believe my eyes! The
"owner" is a legendary Pokémon! Not just a legendary, one of the trio! Well, the trio that I know of.
"Hello, Kaspar." it said.
"Um… hi?" I squeaked. It's huge! Much bigger than Egg! It's at least 23 feet long! Its height can be anywhere from a foot long to 23 feet long.
"I'm Phase. You don't need to be scared." it told me.
"Yeah, Phase is like a teddy bear!" Egg exclaimed. I gave Egg a skeptical look.
"I'm not mean, is what he's trying to say." it told me.
"Okay… Well, I can't call you an it…" I said, "Since you remind me of a woman, you're a female."
"Phase, you have been announced as a girl!" Egg said in an announcer's voice.
"Yeah, yeah. Very funny." Phase said, giving Egg a look.
"How come I never saw any of you the whole time I was here?" I asked.
"Yeah… We don't know the answer to that." Egg said.
"Speaking of answers, I've always wanted to know this. What Pokémon are you?" Zu squeaked, looking at Phase.
"Are you serious?" I asked him.
"I know it's a dumb question.." Zu said.
"Of course it is! She's a legendary! Everyone knows the legendaries!" I exclaimed. Yes, everyone. Even those who haven't seen a Pokémon for five years.
"Really? Then what's Phase's group of legendaries?" Egg asked, crossing his arms.
"She's grouped with Groudon and Kyogre. Since those two fight a lot, it's up to her, Rayquaza, to break it up." I said.
"Whoa! You're that Pokémon?!" Zu exclaimed, surprised.
"Wait a second… Are you the "monster" that the Obsidian guy mentioned to me when I came here?" I asked.
"Most likely." Egg said.
"How are you a monster?" I asked.​

Another installment!!!

 

[Bay]

Before I get to the comments, I want to apologize for missing out Chapter Two earlier. Got caught up with my own writing projects and following the other stories here. Better late than never I guess, right?

So, a few things again. I noticed for Chapters Two and Three you went back to single space instead of double spacing between paragraphs like you did with Chapter One. If you get the chance, I would recommend double spacing after each paragraph for those two chapters like in Chapter One.

I also noticed you still have dialogue like this:

"Everyone is tiny to you." rumbled a deep voice.
"Oh, stop that." I said, turning to my friend, Aggron, who I called Egg.
"But it's true." He said, crossing his arms.

If you're not ending the dialogue with an exclamation or question mark then a comma should replace with the period, like this:

"Everyone is tiny to you," rumbled a deep voice.
"Oh, stop that," I said, turning to my friend, Aggron, who I called Egg.
"But it's true," he said, crossing his arms.

I already mentioned this in my first review, so I recommend checking back on that. If you're still confused about writing dialogue then let me know and I'll try to explain in more detail.

Onto the chapters themselves. Interesting Kaspar got to intereact with Phase, Zu, and Egg. I did scratch my head though over Zu not knowing what Pokemon Phase was, depending how long they knew each other. Besides that, if I recall Rayquaza doesn't go to the earth's surface unless there's something bad going on like Kyogre and Groudon fighting one another. I know you referenced Phase watching them to be a boring job, but I'm curious as to what purpose you have for them in this story.

Besides Phase, the mentions again of Kaspar's eye and hair color and then him able to understand the Pokemon leave me a little skeptical over him as the Chosen One again to be honest. I know you menion to not worry too much, so I'll see how you deal with Kaspar able to understand the Pokemon at least for a little bit.

I noticed you described Phase and Egg by height, which seems pretty vague. I'm not asking for full blown details how they looked like since this is Pokemon fanfiction and we already know how they look like, but for Phase at least you could described them more naturally. Like, "It's huge! Much bigger than Egg! The Pokemon towered above me like a tall building." Something like that.

Once more I apologize how late this is. There are some things I'm skeptical over, but I'm still interested where this is going!

 

[Mirasec]

I have always written like that, and it's the same for my 2 published books.

in my first review[/URL], so I recommend checking back on that. If you're still confused about writing dialogue then let me know and I'll try to explain in more detail.

Onto the chapters themselves. Interesting Kaspar got to intereact with Phase, Zu, and Egg. I did scratch my head though over Zu not knowing what Pokemon Phase was, depending how long they knew each other. Besides that, if I recall Rayquaza doesn't go to the earth's surface unless there's something bad going on like Kyogre and Groudon fighting one another. I know you referenced Phase watching them to be a boring job, but I'm curious as to what purpose you have for them in this story.

Rayquaza gets bored staying underground, so she goes above ground to just watch the people go about their daily lives. Would YOU want to sit and do nothing all the time?

(truthfully, i have to figure that out still... ^.^)

Eh................ Remember: it's from a teen's point of view.......

 

[Bay]

I have always written like that, and it's the same for my 2 published books.

I still highly recommend brushing up some of the dialogue punctuation. Sorry if I kept pushing this, but a lot of the published books I read the punctuation is different from yours. The majority of the punctuation change is changing periods to commas, which isn't too hard.

Eh................ Remember: it's from a teen's point of view.......

You mean my response to the heights? While I get they probably won't go too much detail how majestic Phase is, at the same time if I were a teenager the first thing on my mind would be they're as tall as X object since I don't think I'll be able to guess the Pokemon's exact height. That's my personal opinion, though.

 

[Mirasec]

I still highly recommend brushing up some of the dialogue punctuation. Sorry if I kept pushing this, but a lot of the published books I read the punctuation is different from yours. The majority of the punctuation change is changing periods to commas, which isn't too hard.

yeah.....i know.... but ALL of my stories are like that...it would take FOREVER to change them.....

most teens don't pay attention to detail, and only a few do. but remember, Kaspar has been inside a cave for 5 years....so he doesn't really have anything to compare Phase to.

 

[Mirasec]

I am still writing this...sorry I haven't been updating...been busy with school...and actually publishing another book

 

[Mirasec]

Chapter 4
​

He? didn?t call me a monster. He?s the first one. Most humans that see me always call me that because of the way I look, and then they try to catch me to use me for their own gain. Hasn?t worked yet.
?Uh? Phase? Hello? Are you still with us?? Egg asked.
?Oh, uh, yeah! I?m fine!? I exclaimed quickly.
?Okay? Anyway, it?s time for you to leave this cave.? Egg said, looking at Kaspar.
?Uhh? I can?t.? he said.
?Why not?? Zu asked.
?The Obsidian member is still out there.? Kaspar said nervously.
?I wasn?t talking about that way. I was meaning the way that Phase gets in and out. The air.? Egg said.
?That?s a great idea! I can fly you out!? I exclaimed.
?I wanna travel with him!? Zu exclaimed.
?What do you mean?? Kaspar said, dumbfounded.
?I?d like to go as well.? Egg said, ?We wanna go on a journey with you.?
?Why?? I asked.
?Well, seeing that his brother was killed by Obsidian, his Pok?mon were most likely taken from him. It?s common sense that he would get them back, and dismantle Obsidian while he?s atit.? Egg said, ?I wanna help him achieve that.?
?Wow. That was? spot on. Why would you help me? What?s in it for you?? Kaspar asked.
?For one, I?ve heard many conversations about Obsidian. Not one of them is good. It?s also time for us Pok?mon to fight back against this evil organization. Many of us do not like to be used.? Egg explained.
?My reason is because I think that you can make me stronger!? Zu exclaimed happily.
?Why not? I?ll go too.? I said.
?You?ll get yourself confined to a pokeball?!? But you hate pokeballs!? Egg exclaimed.
?That?s why, when you get a luxury ball, I want it. Also, we Pok?mon need to fight back.? I told him.
?So? How are we leaving?? Zu asked.
?Each of us chooses a ball to be in, and Zu and I will get into ours, and Phase will fly Kaspar out, and then get into, er, hers.? Egg explained.
?That?s simple enough.? Zu said.
?So? which ones do you guys want?? Kaspar asked, taking out the seven pokeballs.
?I choose the pokeball.? I said.
?What?!? That?s the weakest of all!? Egg exclaimed.
?Exactly. When he calls me forth, they won?t expect me, Rayquaza, to come out of an ordinary pokeball.? I said, grinning.
?That?ll be funny.? Egg said.
?I like the white one! I want that one!? Zu exclaimed.
?Ok, I guess I?ll choose the? safari ball. That?s the green one, right?? Egg asked.
?Yeah, it?s the green one.? I confirmed.

Egg and Zu popped into their pokeballs and Kaspar and I got ready.
?Wait, I still have things in my cave.? Kaspar said.
?I thought that Zu brought everything.? I told him.
?No, all I have here is my bag. I still have the other things there too. I?m gonna go get them. You can let Zu out. I don?t know how.? Kaspar said.
?Really?? I asked, dumbfounded. He nodded. ?Okay, I?ll use Zu as an example. You say something like this: ?Let?s go, Zu!? or, ?I choose you, Zu!? and throw the ball and he?ll come out of his pokeball. You always have to say their name, or they won?t come out. Try it.? I explained.
?Okay? Let?s go, Zu!? Kaspar exclaimed, throwing the ball. Zu popped out in a flash of red light.
?Wow! So soon?? Zu asked.
?It worked!? Kaspar exclaimed.
?Of course it did.? I said.
?Hey, Zu, can you lead me back to my cave? I need to get the rest of my things.? Kaspar asked.
?Sure! I know every inch of this cave!? he exclaimed happily. With him leading the way, they left.


ANOTHER UPDATE! SORRY I TOOK SO LONG!!! :D :D :D ^.^

 

[Bay]

I admit it's been a while since I last checked this fic, so I had to look back at some of the comments to get familiar myself with the characters and situation again. Not much this chapter except everyone talking about their plan, but I admit I too am amused at a Rayquaza in a pokeball even if it's actually not a bad idea there. I would have like this chapter go slightly further as I think you can add everyone leaving, but I'm assuming the next part will have Kaspar or someone else's POV hence why it cut a bit short. Still interested where this goes.