[Other FULL] Vale Institute of Magic [M] [OOC/SU]

[Colony]

@RejectiontheHedgie, there's a lot in the spoiler, and it's probably harsher than it really should be. We honestly don't want to discourage you from Vale, and especially not RPing as a whole, but Birdy and I have relatively high standards, and the way we go about our reviews doesn't mesh with everyone. Therefore, it may very well be much easier to join a different RP.

Spoiler:

Name: I'm going to be very straight-forward here. It's worse than Sai Jones, which at least made sense if you had simply pointed out where her parents came from. This RP takes place on modern Earth, so names are going to be based on their culture, family history and location. What parents in their right mind would name a child Midnight? It's about as realistic of a name as Daenerys.

---

Spells:What are they based on in the first place? There is no information whatsoever (not even to infer) on where she even obtained these sort of skills, or why she has these abilities in particular over something notably offensive or defensive. The logic of how they're even supposed to work is extremely problematic as well, just because she'd kill herself before she's even a threat to anyone else.

Sky Fall: It's SUPPOSED to be a massive blast of air that pushes people away. It's useless.

How does she even make a blast that does any damage by using tons of magic to jump up and down? According to your description, she needs to hit the ground at high speed from what's not an insignificant height to make this worth anything. If it hurts her simply by doing it in a way that's supposed to have any impact, this spell is beyond useless. This is where the logic is such a problem.

Suggestion here: If you are shooting for an attack that denies her immediate surroundings to the opponent, think of something that does so quickly, efficiently, or both. This attack has no immediate impact, and no lasting effect.

Ignition Plume - A flaming disco ball? Alright, you get points for diversity. That's about it.

Assuming you did at least skim over it by now, ask yourself why she has to dodge her own attack in the first place if the whole purpose of it is to BUY HER TIME? This one downside renders it even more useless than Sky Fall. This has literally negative usefulness.

Flairre Breath: If it's not hot enough to hurt her, how does she expect to hurt anyone with this? By your reasoning, it's not only cool enough to avoid burning herself, but somehow miraculously hot enough to decimate a target, and this just doesn't work in any sense.

First off, she has an affinity to fire. She can throw fireballs however hot and however often she likes. She can breathe fire, throw fire, start fires, and generally do whatever the hell she wants with it within reason.

This spell seemed to be dedicated, just like the others, to giving her more space in which to control the battlefield from a distance, and none of them can even do that. This spell is just a poorly explained fire breath attack that will barely singe any self-respecting mage.

I state once again, make it count. You have two other spell slots in which to create a worthy lineup of creative and USEFUL spells. Useless recoils and limitations never do a weak spell justice, unless your character is a complete novice... which is NOT something your sheet indicates. By now she *should* be a strong and intelligent fighter, who can unleash devastating attacks without breaking a sweat. There's a ton of problems with that, but that's for later.

---

Appearance:

Midnight is a tall girl, standing at around 5'5".

Again with the inaccuracy. That's not tall. "Tall" would be around six feet. 5'5 is just barely above average. If you plan on using comparative adjectives, please ensure that what you're comparing it to is actually true. Remember the whole realism spiel we went on earlier?

deep brown eyes

What does "deep" constitute? Does she have sunken eyes or something? Are her eyeballs concave? I don't know what "deep" is supposed to mean! Do you mean "dark"?

thick eyelashes that enhance the depth in her eyes

Again with the biased, unnecessary adjectives. What is "depth" supposed to be when talking about someone's eyes? Their eyeballs' concavity?

Lastly, are we describing a relatively pretty young lady here or America's Next Top Model?

---

Personality: This is honestly so generic, it hurts.

Alexis is a rather calm individual. He mostly likes to keep to himself

Midnight is a calm and private individual. She really doesn't interact much.

So she is a reserved individual because society rejects her completely, because of the simple fact that she HAPPENS to be able to defend herself? That is the single most terrible reason I have ever seen for a girl to be completely avoided by society as a whole. She's not butt-ugly; she isn't Dandruff Danny; she didn't touch the cheese; there's nothing to warrant her total rejection, especially not in her history. This section is what defines your character's demeanor and thoughts. This is not the personality of what is practically a supersoldier trained from birth.

---

History: You still fail to communicate the underlying details of how she became who she is and how it affects her now. On top of this, it's inconsistent with her personality.

According to the personality, she's reclusive and quiet. However, according to the history, she constantly strives to impress her parents (why are they disappointed in the first place? Because she can't breathe fire?) and she's determined to be a better fighter (more on that below), but there's nothing even remotely like that in the personality section. Where does this spontaneous resolve come from?

What did she do about school? Did she never even go? Her parents obviously didn't homeschool her, because they were too busy "training" her.

Also, unless she's 13 at the time of the RP, please stop trying to make getting-the-letter-at-13 happen. It's not going to happen.

Here's an excerpt directly from the main post: "You are a student who, one way or another, was invited to the Vale Institute of Higher Learning for the start of a new school year."

Hopefully this would indicate that all accepted characters are only new students. Why would we accept a senior? (That is, without significant discussion beforehand.)

How did she even discover that she has any magical aptitude at all? Having magical OR normal parents means absolutely NOTHING unless the child discovers their own magical ability for themselves. Nasrin, for example, has completely normal parents, and she's able to use air magic. When does your character come across any of this power?

Where does she get her fighting skills passed down from? Is her dad still a martial artist for literally no reason? He could be a medic for all we know, and have no idea how to fight whatsoever. How does her MOM know how to fight?

How on earth does training in only ONE FORM OF FIGHTING make her a better fighter? The world's best fighters tend to know more than just ONE martial art. That knowledge means they don't completely suck when they meet an opponent who counters their favorite fighting style. If you are shooting for a reason for her to improve after a major hurdle, be more creative and realistic about it.

So, why is fighting a MUST for her? And what's up with this mention of wielding her elements in battle? Is she being trained as a child soldier or for some other messed up purpose? It sure isn't because she could get raped on a lonely street after partying. She breathes fire! That alone would put just about any normal human out of commission.

From what I've seen so far, very little points to the fact that she has actually become capable of any form of fighting—never mind been forced to learn for what's still a lack of plausible reason.

It's clear that a lot of effort is going to be necessary to finish an acceptable character. We are more than willing to give you as many attempts as you want, but we have to suggest that you take a look at the other sheets, and maybe reread the main post. We encourage asking questions. Please do so.

However, as I've said above the spoiler, it might just be a better choice to find an RP here that doesn't have such anal, jerkwad GMs.

 

[Cosmic Fury]

I should have my SU completed soon. Life's been a royal pain, and I've not had much time on my hands lately...

 

[Cosmic Fury]

All completed with my SU. When does the action start?

 

[Serin]

ABEL RIVERS, 17, Male

*LIGHT*

Spells:

All of Abel's spells are only as effective as the intensity of the light source.

BLADE: Focuses photons around arms to create blades of light. This is Abel's most commonly used spell for most fights. He is able to cast or de-cast the spell quickly. However, keeping the spell cast for too wastes energy and lowers the strength of the spell the next time he casts it.

ILLUSION: Manipulates light and color to create false images. This spell requires an immense amount of focus; to create accurate or detailed images, Abel must be standing still and concentrate completely on rendering the illusion. The larger the image or creating multiple images causes more fatigue.

SHIFT: Absorb surrounding photons to become light. In Abel's light form he loses all physical qualities; he is literally a moving, white light source. He can also change the appearance and shape of his light form. The intense vibration of the photon particles causes this form to deal damage to anything he comes in contact with. Being unaffected by gravity, Abel is able to move through the air freely. He is able to extend any part of his radiating body to deal damage from a distance. This spell causes an intense amount of strain on Abel's body. He can only maintain this form for a few minutes depending on how much energy he expends while in the form. After shifting back to physical form, Abel is completely fatigued.

Causes him to SHIFT back to physical form faster: "Floating/flying" higher in the air. Extending his light body often or at larger distances. Using his "BLINK" spell often. Focusing more photon energy into specific parts of his body for more damage or faster movements.​

BLINK: Move at the speed of light after using SHIFT. Being light itself, Abel is able to travel as light as well; seeming to teleport a few feet a time. After each use, the distance Abel is able to BLINK shortens. This spell requires a large amount of energy and causes Abel to SHIFT back into his physical form faster.​

Appearance:

Abel is a biracial male with light caramel colored skin and a clear complexion. He is fairly tall at 6 foot 1 and has a thin frame packed with lean muscle making him very athletic. His black curly hair is cut close on the sides but a bit longer on top. His harsh gaze is softened by his smooth hazel eyes. His face is very sharp and keen with a protruding nose and defined jaw line.

Abel's wardrobe consists of high end clothing from blazers to cardigans. All of his clothes are tailored to fit and his pants are always slim but comfortable. His footwear varies from combat boots to high end loafers.

Abel wears a silver necklace with a glow in the dark crystal attached to it.​

Personality

Abel is a very quiet and reserved person. He rarely speaks unless he has something important to say. This is probably more from his ideology of being better than everyone else that aren't on his level. When he isn't deep in his thoughts, Abel often expresses his passions with a fierce debating tone; he is very open and expressive when the topic in discussion sparks his interest. Abel prefers to be on his own but doesn't mind small groups. Too many people make him uncomfortable.

Problem solving and leading are Abel's strong points. He hates wasting time and prefers to get things done as soon as possible and doing everything perfectly. Despite being a good leader, he doesn't like to be in the lead as it requires him to speak up too much. He is more of the observant type; he acts based on his observations. With this mindset he often abandons the group to achieve the goal himself while everyone else is still debating the action to take. Due to his perfectionist attitude, he often beats himself up when he makes a mistake. This self-destruction leads him to make rash decisions in the end and makes him emotionally unstable; being very sensitive and insecure about his flaws. Behind his stern face he has a very fragile heart, being sensitive to the smallest of things. Inside he is constantly crying about his bad mistakes and his lonely life, feeling as though his parents never truly loved him.​

History

Abel was born in Los Angeles, California to Samantha Rivers, a successful surgeon, and Jahreem Rivers, a wealthy entrepreneur with stakes in businesses all over L.A. Abel grew up luxuriously in a mansion in Beverly Hills. His parents were hardly ever home and he had few friends. He found comfort and amusement in drawing and creating imaginary worlds for him to play in.

At a very young age, Abel discovered his magic abilities when he was in his swimming pool one day. He was pretending to be a water bender from one of his favorite TV shows when he literally began to manipulate the water in mid-air. One of the helps had witnessed this and reported it to his parents. The employee was paid a huge sum of money by Abel's parents to keep quiet. Despite various precautions being made, there were still rumors around the neighborhood and in Abel's private school. Kids started to bully him and teachers treated him unfairly. After a year of private investigations and paying off government officials, Abel's parents were able to find a specialized magic instructor to home school him.

Within a couple of years of private instruction, Abel's water wavelength was overwritten by light. It was during a training session during the summer. Abel's instructor had begun intense training with him and was pushing the limits of his magic spells. One of Abel's original magic spells was to manipulate the water in his natural body to completely transform his body into water molecules. In order to strengthen this spell. Abel's instructor would inflict blows towards him and he would deflect it or dodge it by shifting into water form. During a final test, the instructor was going to try to cut his hand with a sword and he were to shift his hand into water molecules to allow the sword to pass through. Instead, Abel's body erupted into a bright, radiating light and the sword broke on contact. It was that summer when Abel received the letter from the Vale Institute of Magic to attend in the Fall.​

 

[Songbird]

Well, first I'd like to say that for the most part, it's not bad. However, there are a few issues.

I'll get the more important issues out of the way first.

First, we don't accept "quiet and reserved" characters, just because it's kind of stupid in a multiplayer environment to be so averse to people. "Too many people makes him uncomfortable," that's perfectly fine. It's a common trait, but is that really something worth mentioning?

Second, I actually like a lot of the history, but... maybe not a water mage, just because our other Light mage, Zane, had come from an entire family of water mages. That would be weird if the only two Light mages in the school were both formerly trained extensively in water magic, y'know?

Third, remaining on the history, the overwriting process is not instantaneous. It's like evolution on a microscale; it'll take a while before the new element emerges—during this process, the mage's natural element can slowly fizzle out or even simply disappear altogether for months.

Now, on to the spells.

BLADE: Why only blades? Why not general simplistic constructs? You're basically Green Lantern, and you're only making swords.

SHiFT & BLiNK: These are incredibly strong for someone who had just barely started using their element. As a repeated reference, Zane has only had his light element for just over a year, and Abel for only a couple months. Zane is capable of using his own version of Shift, but for less than a second at a time, and he suffers multiple internal injuries from using it too much. In fact, all of Zane's spells can only be used in short bursts. Fatigue isn't nearly an appropriate problem to arise from literally turning your entire body into another (namely inorganic) substance.

Shift and Blink can also be put under the same name. You already turned into light, so why do you need another spell entirely for transport?

iLLUSiON: Another extremely strong spell for someone with very little practice in the element he's using.

I also have no idea how these really fit Abel as a character, especially considering his personality. He seems like the slow, analyze-then-retaliate type of character, but this is hyper-aggressive deception.

Along with this, what kind of training did he receive? His work with the instructor is something I'd like to see at least a paragraph on to give an idea of what kind of spells he developed before he lost his original element. I'm positive this will also help you create more personality-appropriate spells, because, well... these aren't.

 

[Serin]

Spoiler:

Well, first I'd like to say that for the most part, it's not bad. However, there are a few issues.

I'll get the more important issues out of the way first.

First, we don't accept "quiet and reserved" characters, just because it's kind of stupid in a multiplayer environment to be so averse to people. "Too many people makes him uncomfortable," that's perfectly fine. It's a common trait, but is that really something worth mentioning? It is more due to his insecurity issues. Never having real parental figures to express his emotions to. I'll do some tweaking to this however.

Second, I actually like a lot of the history, but... maybe not a water mage, just because our other Light mage, Zane, had come from an entire family of water mages. That would be weird if the only two Light mages in the school were both formerly trained extensively in water magic, y'know? Good call. I will admit that I was being lazy in choosing his first element. Will rethink and revise.

Third, remaining on the history, the overwriting process is not instantaneous. It's like evolution on a microscale; it'll take a while before the new element emerges—during this process, the mage's natural element can slowly fizzle out or even simply disappear altogether for months. Ah okay. I will rework the history completely as I'm not very happy with it.

Now, on to the spells.

BLADE: Why only blades? Why not general simplistic constructs? You're basically Green Lantern, and you're only making swords.

SHiFT & BLiNK: These are incredibly strong for someone who had just barely started using their element. As a repeated reference, Zane has only had his light element for just over a year, and Abel for only a couple months. Zane is capable of using his own version of Shift, but for less than a second at a time, and he suffers multiple internal injuries from using it too much. In fact, all of Zane's spells can only be used in short bursts. Fatigue isn't nearly an appropriate problem to arise from literally turning your entire body into another (namely inorganic) substance.

Shift and Blink can also be put under the same name. You already turned into light, so why do you need another spell entirely for transport?

iLLUSiON: Another extremely strong spell for someone with very little practice in the element he's using.

I also have no idea how these really fit Abel as a character, especially considering his personality. He seems like the slow, analyze-then-retaliate type of character, but this is hyper-aggressive deception.
Noted. I will actually put a lot more thought into the spells.
Along with this, what kind of training did he receive? His work with the instructor is something I'd like to see at least a paragraph on to give an idea of what kind of spells he developed before he lost his original element. I'm positive this will also help you create more personality-appropriate spells, because, well... these aren't. Will do.

I will edit this post once I finish revising it. Will notify completion through Private Message.

EDIT: Revision complete

Spoiler:

ABEL RIVERS, 17, Male

*DARK*

Spells:

DARK ORB: Reverses the charge of Photons in a condensed area creating a small, pure black orb of negative energy. Abel is able to create up to two. They rotate in mid-air around his body in a small orbit. The negative energy of these orbs have a black-hole effect and creates a weak gravitational field around Abel. This makes it harder for his opponents to pull away when in close-combat. Abel can also fire an orb as a projectile. The orbs are very small and weak and are able to stay casted passively. However, if kept casted for too long, can create extreme fatigue due to the strain of two different gravitational pulls on his body; Abel's movements will be extremely slow.
DARK ARMOR: An aura-like energy of negative Photons surrounds a small portion of Abel's body. This armor can take various shapes. He often casts this spell around his arms or weapons. The negative energy has a similar effect to his DARK ORB spell, creating a weak gravitational around whatever part of his body is covered. This spell often causes whatever body part it covered to become physically weak and sometimes paralyzed depending on how long the spell is casted; varies from minutes to hours.
MIRAGE:Warps shadows and dark areas into false silhouettes. Able often created demonic creatures and frightening monsters. Able practiced this spell the most and is his most evolved and powerful spell. Using it, however, still requires an intense amount of focus and leaves Able immobile as he must stay still to focus his energy into the image. Holding an image for too long will result in an unbearable migraine causing this spell to be unusable for a while.​

Appearance:

Abel is a biracial male with light caramel colored skin and a clear complexion. He is fairly tall at 6 foot 1 and has a thin frame packed with lean muscle making him very athletic. His black curly hair is cut close on the sides but a bit longer on top. His harsh gaze is softened by his smooth hazel eyes. His face is very sharp and keen with a protruding nose and defined jaw line.

Abel's wardrobe consists of high end clothing from blazers to cardigans. All of his clothes are tailored to fit and his pants are always slim but comfortable. His footwear varies from combat boots to high end loafers. His clothes are dark toned. From deep reds and maroons to dark shades of gray and black.​

Personality

Abel doesn't speak often, but when he does it is usually something very important. He is intelligent and manipulative. His subtle body language and comments are full of hidden subtext. Abel is very empathetic and finds it easy to read people's emotions and feelings. This also causes him to be very suspicious and paranoid of people he doesn't know well. He questions people's true motives and probes deep into the human mind to discover other's darkest secrets. However, he reveals as little about himself as possible.

Problem solving and leading are Abel's strong points. He hates wasting time and prefers to get things done as soon as possible and doing everything perfectly. Despite being a good leader, he rarely takes such roles due to his doubts of people understanding his motives. Instead, he would rather complete a task on his own. He finds beauty in the smallest of details and focuses on how the sum of parts creates the big picture. Due to his perfectionist attitude, he often beats himself up when he makes a mistake. This self-destruction leads him to make rash decisions in the end and makes him emotionally unstable; being very sensitive and insecure about his flaws even though he won't admit it. Behind his stern face he has a very fragile heart, being sensitive to the smallest of things. Inside he is constantly crying about his lonely life and feelings that nobody understands him.​

History

Abel was born in Los Angeles, California to Samantha Rivers, a successful surgeon, and Jahreem Rivers, a wealthy entrepreneur with stakes in businesses all over L.A. Abel grew up luxuriously in a mansion in Beverly Hills. His parents were hardly ever home and he had few friends. He found comfort and amusement in drawing and creating imaginary worlds for him to play in.

At a very young age, Abel discovered his magic abilities when playing with a lighter he had stolen from his dad's office. While flicking the lighter on and off, Abel pretended to be controlling the flame like a character from one of his favorite TV shows. Suddenly, the flame began to float in mid-air and Abel panicked and lost control of the flame; it erupted and set one of his parents' Persian rug on fire. One of the helps had witnessed this and reported it to his parents whom had confirmed it on the security cameras. The employee was paid a huge sum of money by Abel's parents to keep quiet. Despite various precautions being made, there were still rumors around the neighborhood and in Abel's private school. Kids started to bully him and call him a freak. They would pull the fire alarms and blame Abel. After a year of private investigations and paying off government officials, Abel's parents were able to find a specialized magic instructor to home school him. All of this was more so to protect their own reputation, and once they had solved the issue, Abel's parents disappeared from his daily life once more.

Abel had formed a closer relation with his magic instructor than his own parents; he was Abel's first real parental figure. Abel's instructor spent a lot of time strengthening Abel's magic abilities and teaching him how to control it to cast spells that Abel would find most suitable to him. Abel found the beauty of the magic more fascinating than the uses for it. He focused more on flashy and elegant spells:

MIRAGE: A large flame which Abel would manipulate into various shapes. Abel was also able to animate his fire figures. His favorite was a dragon.
ARMOR: An aura-like flame engulfs Abel's entire body. Abel could expand the armor further away from his body and make it take various shapes as well. He could also cause the flame to engulf wielded objects such as swords.
ORB: A bright orb of fire which Abel could manipulate. Abel could create multiple orbs and vary the size.​

Abel's instructor understood the dangers he may face in the real world and touched a bit on hand to hand combat as well as the use of various melee weapons. Abel's favorite weapon became swords due to their elegant attacking motion.

From elementary to high school, Abel had trained under the same instructor until one day his powers began to weaken. He couldn't hold a flame as long or couldn't make it burn as intense as usual. Within a few months his magic abilities were gone completely. Fortunately, Abel's instructor stood by him, trying different methods to help Abel regain his powers.

Not too long after losing his power, Abel began to be able to at least cast his "ORB" spell, however all of the flames had a dark tint to them. Abel's instructor found that he performed better in dim lighting. When training in low light conditions, Abel's fire glowed dark blue, and were almost black. It was then that his instructor realized his wavelength could possibly be changing. That summer, Abel's instructor altered his training methods to suit Dark magic and Abel was able to develop a few usable DARK spells. When the dark magic wavelength took over completely, Abel became obsessed even more with the darkness of the mind and human nature. His spells evolved from elegant fire spells that focused on beauty to more terrifying dark spells that provoked nightmarish thoughts.

Abel received a letter from the Vale Institute of Magic that summer and would be attending in the Fall semester.
​

 

[Colony]

Just thought I'd poke in and say that the new IC post has been postified, so everyone can move along with their respective matches. For Shion and Nasrin, they're both facing NPCs. There are other battles including the ones not mentioned, so for Cosmic and Serin, should you guys be accepted, your matches would just be one of the ones not mentioned in the post.

 

[Cosmic Fury]

Excellent. I await Adrian's approval!

 

[Nakuzami]

I'm afraid Griffy hasn't been online since October, and I don't have another way to contact him to see if he's still around.

 

[Songbird]

Consider it taken care of, Naku. Looks like Skype is finally good for something!

@Cosmic Fury, we'll cover your sheet as soon as we can. As in, as soon as Colony and I get off our lazy butts again.