Obsidian Blade
She who likes cake.
- 37
- Posts
- 20
- Years
- Age 35
- In the soup dragon's cavern.
- Seen Nov 13, 2009
It is getting better, in fact, I really enjoyed the last chapter. Jet seems sweet enough. ^^
What you really need to watch is your grammar and spelling though. I get shaken out of whatever it is I'm reading when there's a typo or misplaced apostrophe, so the number of times you wrote "site" instead of "sight" made me wince. For future reference: site = the place where something is happening and sight = vision. Just so ya know.
I really like the way you write from the POV of the Pok?mon too, makes a change from the normal human-orientated fics that are everywhere (I love them too, but there are just so many... :(). A note for battles though: just saying "Jet fired an ice beam" isn't enough to bring your fic up onto the top tier of fanfiction. Rather than taking the <Pok?mon> used <move> way out of things, really try and describe what's going on. For example...
The Mightyena hurled itself at Jet, knocking Aurora out of the way with one broad shoulder as it barrelled towards its target. His muscles tightening under the shining black of his pelt, the male Vaporeon leapt into the air at the last possible second, gathering a shimmering ball of icy power in his mouth before sending it cannoning down in a beam of bright light.
If writing that sort of description for every single ice beam seems to be slowing your action scenes down though, you can always say something along the lines of "In the next second Aurora's frozen beam joined Jet's, sending blossoms of ice unfurling over the Mightyena's coat while simultaneously hurling it back". That way you don't have to go through the entire process of building up the attack before firing it, although you'll want to make sure the same attack has been used some time recently otherwise your readers might have lost the image already. It's a thing of balance really, but keep trying and you'll have it worked out soon enough.
Lovely story so far, despite all that I've mentioned here I'm liking what I'm reading!
~Obsidian
What you really need to watch is your grammar and spelling though. I get shaken out of whatever it is I'm reading when there's a typo or misplaced apostrophe, so the number of times you wrote "site" instead of "sight" made me wince. For future reference: site = the place where something is happening and sight = vision. Just so ya know.
I really like the way you write from the POV of the Pok?mon too, makes a change from the normal human-orientated fics that are everywhere (I love them too, but there are just so many... :(). A note for battles though: just saying "Jet fired an ice beam" isn't enough to bring your fic up onto the top tier of fanfiction. Rather than taking the <Pok?mon> used <move> way out of things, really try and describe what's going on. For example...
The Mightyena hurled itself at Jet, knocking Aurora out of the way with one broad shoulder as it barrelled towards its target. His muscles tightening under the shining black of his pelt, the male Vaporeon leapt into the air at the last possible second, gathering a shimmering ball of icy power in his mouth before sending it cannoning down in a beam of bright light.
If writing that sort of description for every single ice beam seems to be slowing your action scenes down though, you can always say something along the lines of "In the next second Aurora's frozen beam joined Jet's, sending blossoms of ice unfurling over the Mightyena's coat while simultaneously hurling it back". That way you don't have to go through the entire process of building up the attack before firing it, although you'll want to make sure the same attack has been used some time recently otherwise your readers might have lost the image already. It's a thing of balance really, but keep trying and you'll have it worked out soon enough.
Lovely story so far, despite all that I've mentioned here I'm liking what I'm reading!
~Obsidian
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