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[Pokémon] Vote Ghetsis 2012

AuraGuardianPraha

10
Posts
7
Years
    • Vote Ghetsis 2012

    At N's castle under the Pokémon league Ghetsis and the other seven sages of Team Plasma were holding a campaign meeting for the upcoming Unova election for the president (The Champion).When I win the election this castle will no longer be under the Pokémon league instead it will be my palace,my castle I will rule over UNOVA .NO I WILL RULE ALL OF THE WORLD!!!!!! And no one will have any Pokémon to stop me.
    Ghetsis don't you mean lord N will rule the Unova region said Rood.
    Oh! Rood did you forget already we are the advisors for our Lord N so we are the ones who hold the power. Like in the case of the Obama administration.
    Lord Ghetsis the polls are up…… (Said by a random team plasma grunt)
    The polls switch the TV on and put Fox News on now. The time has come for us to raise this castle and I WILL RULE THE UNOVA REGIEON AND THEN THE WORLD.
    Umm…. Lord Ghetsis a small technical difficulty. (Same team plasma grunt)
    TECHNICAL DIFFICULTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WELL WHAT IS IT NOW ALL OF YOU GRUNTS ARE USLESS AND WILL PROBABLY FIRE ALL OF YOU AND TAKE AWAY ALL YOUR POKEMON!!!
    Oh lord Ghetsis please forgive me the problem is-is-is ….
    IS WHAT. SPEAK UP NOW!!
    Um its just that there is no TV cable in the castle.
    WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!
    WHO DESIGNED THIS PLACE I WANT HIS HERE NOW.
    Ghetsis it was you who designed the castle(Said by Zinzolin)
    Oh.
    Well then go and find the results somehow I don't care how. Wait I know how SHAWDOW TRIAD COME HERE NOW!!
    Lord Ghetsis you called for us (Shadow triad)
    Go find out the results of the election.
    Yes sir!
    (15 mins later)
    Lord Ghetsis some bad news.
    WHAT BAD NEWS I HAVE HEARD ENOUGH ALREADY. NO IT CAN'T BE PLEASE DON'T TELL ME.
    ……….. (Shadow Triad)
    Lord Ghetsis you lost by the largest margin in Unova history(The same random tea plasma grunt)
    …….. (Ghetsis)
    OH NO he is going to blow(Rood)
    Lets get out of here (Ryoku)
    Shadow Triad flee technique (The shadow triad escapes)
    But the seven sages and the grunt were not so lucky

    AFTER A LONG TIME (FOUR YEARS IN FACT)
    IT IS NOW TIME FOR ME TO RULE THE WORLD GET READY FELLOW SUBJECTS OF OUR KING OF TO ACCUMULA TOWN
    THIS TIME PEOPLE WILL CHANT GHETSIS 2012 NO I MEAN 2016
    YES GHETSIS 2016!!!!!


    The End
    Thanks for reading hope you enjoy.
     
    Bay

    Bay

    6,388
    Posts
    17
    Years
    • Oh hi there, always nice to see new faces here! Dropping by to give some advice.

    I'll be honest, the dialogue is hard to read because you have several characters speaking and hard to keep track. I'll point out some ways how you can write the dialogue better.


    At N's castle under the Pokémon league Ghetsis and the other seven sages of Team Plasma were holding a campaign meeting for the upcoming Unova election for the president (The Champion).When I win the election this castle will no longer be under the Pokémon league instead it will be my palace,my castle I will rule over UNOVA .NO I WILL RULE ALL OF THE WORLD!!!!!! And no one will have any Pokémon to stop me.
    Click to expand...

    This confuses me as you have Ghetsis's dialogue in there. With dialogue, you would use quotations, like this-

    At N's castle under the Pokémon league Ghetsis and the other seven sages of Team Plasma were holding a campaign meeting for the upcoming Unova election for the president (The Champion).

    "When I win the election this castle will no longer be under the Pokémon league instead it will be my palace,my castle I will rule over UNOVA .NO I WILL RULE ALL OF THE WORLD!!!!!! And no one will have any Pokémon to stop me."

    Ghetsis don't you mean lord N will rule the Unova region said Rood.
    Click to expand...

    Now this one you got the dialogue tag (said Rood), but the quotations are missing. Should be like this-

    "Ghetsis don't you mean lord N will rule the Unova region," said Rood.

    Lord Ghetsis the polls are up…… (Said by a random team plasma grunt)
    Click to expand...

    I noticed several ocassions you have the dialogue tag in parentheses, which is not how you write dialogue. as already pointed out in two examples, quotations.

    "Lord Ghetsis the polls are up……," said by a random team plasma grunt.

    Shadow Triad flee technique (The shadow triad escapes)
    Click to expand...

    If the Shadow Triad spoke ("Shadow Triad flee technique"), then I think you can write like this-

    "Shadow Triad flee technique." The shadow triad escapes.

    I didn't go through every dialogue mistake, but yeah that's the geist of it. Notice how on most of my examples after the dialogue I have a comma, like this-

    "Hello," he said.

    There's a lot more rules on dialogue, but I don't want to overwhelm you. I would highly recommend checking out some articles online on writing dialogue and its punctuation.

    As for the story itself, while the premise does sound funny, and I can tell you're doing a parody of sorts for this year's US elections, it didn't stick wiht me because I got distracted by the way the dialogue is written. I feel bad for not having anything good to say. D= I do hope though my advice is useful at least. If there's something you're unsure of, let me know and I'll do my best to explain better.
     
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