What Big Brothers Are For

[Bohemian_Rhapsody]

Gakupo was reading a book he had borrowed from his school library. This was one of the few times where he had the entire house to himself. He shifted uncomfortably on his couch, still wearing his school uniform. He would have changed out of it already but according he had to look "respectable" by the time they had gotten home. Tonight was the night he would meet his new little sister, a child his parents had adopted from their local orphanage. He didn't know what other outfit he owned could be considered respectable enough so he just kept his school uniform on. I wonder how she looks like. She's supposed to be pretty young… Gakupo found himself thinking as he awaited the new arrival.

In the midst of all his daydreaming, Gakupo almost didn't notice his parents come in through the front door with their new arrival. He looked up from his book to see the little girl with bright green hair being held by his mother. She put the girl down and introduced Gakupo as her new big brother. He stood up from the couch and bent down to greet the girl.
"Konnichiwa. So, what's your name?"
"K-konnichiwa. I'm Gumi."
"Well, I'm Gakupo, Gumi-neechan."
"You're m-my big brother?"
"That's right. And do you know what that means?"
"N-no…"
"Well as your big brother, I'm here for whatever you need. Within reason."
"Even for just hugs?"

"Of course. That's what big brothers are for." He grinned at her, patting her on the head.
For a while, Gumi seemed to be fitting in perfectly with the Kamui family. Gakupo took it upon himself to be a model older brother for Gumi. He would say that it was because his parents were out of the house most of the time thanks to their jobs. But he couldn't help but feel some pride over the job he was doing.

However, for a couple of weeks Gumi started having nightmares. It got to the point where she couldn't sleep through the night properly. One night from a particularly terrifying dream, she got up in the middle of the night, seeking some form of comfort. She went to her parent's bedroom but stopped. She remembered how often they would complain about the stress of their jobs. Disturbing them in their much needed sleep would be bad, she figured. Soon enough she found herself about to knock on Gakupo's door, stopping again. She didn't want to disturb him either after peeking inside and seeing him sleep so peacefully.

She sighed softly and turned away from the door when she heard him call her name. By the time she had turned around, he was there in his pajamas and rubbing his eyes sleepily.

"Gumi-neechan, what's the matter?"
She threw her hands up and shook her head frantically, "N-nothing, Gaku-nii. I just-"

"Couldn't sleep?" Gakupo interrupted. She looked down as if the floor was suddenly more interesting and nodded. "Hold on a second."

Gakupo disappeared into his darkened room, returning with a carrot plush doll that had arms and bright eyes. "This is Ninjin-san. He may be a carrot, but he's super tough and will fight off any mean monsters that lurk around in the dark."

Gumi looked at Gakupo in shock, "I-I can have Ninjin-san? Isn't he yours though?"
He shrugged and handed over the carrot plush, "I'm too old to need him. It's better if he was held by someone who needed him more."

Gumi grinned at Gakupo and took the plush, ready to head back to her room. Gakupo stood by his door as he watched Gumi hop off, stopping short of her bedroom door. He sighed as she turned hesitantly back towards him.

"You can sleep in my room tonight if you want."

And that's what happened whenever Gumi had a really bad nightmare. Gakupo would occasionally wake up in the middle of the night to see Gumi cuddled next to him, holding Ninjin-san close to her. He would always smile down at her before settling back to sleep. The two were hardly seen without each other. But things changed as Gakupo got older and Gumi was reconnected with her lost twin, Gumiya. Gakupo could tell she no longer needed to rely on her big brother now that she had Gumiya ad he convinced himself to be okay with that.

One stormy night, Gakupo, now an adult, heard a knock at his door. He opened it to see a soaked Gumi.

"Gumi-neechan! What are you doing here? Were you out in this storm?"
"S-sorry Gaku-nii, but I didn't know there was going to be a storm and there was no more cabs outside and-"
"Don't worry about it. Just get inside and dry off."

Gakupo lent Gumi some clothes, al beit loose fitting ones, to sleep in while he put hers up to dry. He called up Gumiya to let him know she was was safe and prepared to go to sleep. Except as he was about to get into his bed, he noticed Gumi was by his door. He knew why before she could explain.

"Couldn't sleep?"
"Sorry, Gaku-nii but… I don't feel comfortable in that guest bedroom."
"It's alright, Gumi-neechan. You can sleep in here if you need."

Without a second's notice, Gumi was in his bed. He laughed to himself. All that's missing is Ninjin-san, he thought to himself. Once Gumi got comfortable, he started to get up.
"Where are you going, Gaku-nii?" she asked, eyes still closed, "You're not sleeping here?"

"Gumi-neechan, we're not kids anymore. In fact, I'm an adult. It's not appropriate for us to sleep in the same bed."
"B-but, you're my big brother. I still need you." she hugged a pillow, "You said you would be here for whatever I needed."

Gakupo was shocked she still remembered that promise even though she was pretty young when he told it to her. But he smiled and got up to get something from a closet. Gumi openned her eyes as he handed the object to her.

"N-ninjin-san?!"" she exclaimined, holding the plush in shock, "You kept him?!"
"Just until you needed him again. Good night, imouto"
"…Good night, anikichan"

Alt. Title: Ninjin-san
Side Note: (Vocaloid fanfic) This is based of my own headcanon for Gumi and Gakupo. In other words I envision them being brother and sister but not blood related like Gumi and Gumiya. So in other words, after Gumi and Gumiya were separated at birth Gumi was sent to live with the Kamui family~ :D​

 

[Spinor]

Cute story, overall. By the looks of it, did you imply this to be a one-shot? Still, it's honestly kinda short to be a one-shot. You should have probably sort of expanded on it or even made a full fan-fic, if possible. Although, I'm not exactly familiar with the canon you're basing on.

Some mistakes. Most obvious ones are that you should sort of give more action to the dialog instead of making it script-like. For example:

"Konnichiwa. So, what's your name?" asked Gakupo.
"K-konnichiwa. I'm Gumi," replied Gumi.

Instead of simple quotes-and-say.

Also with new paragraphs, you should double-enter. This includes dialogue.

Another worrying thing is the way you narrated. It was more story-like than fic-like, I think one of the reviewing veterans can expand on this.

I personally encourage you to try to write this again but with a real story/plot and expanded interaction/action. Or it might just be the canon you worked with, I haven't exactly done my research on that yet.

 

[Miz en Scène]

There's a... Gumiya? Out of curiosity, who's that and what song is zhe in?

Anyway, onto the review.

The story, I take it, was meant to be a cutesy GakupoxGumi thing right? I'm now going to advise you to read through the entire fic again (Trying a new style of reviewing, bear with me), and see for yourself why this wasn't achieved before I tell you how. If you've read it without authorial bias, that is to say without you thinking its good because you know what it's supposed to look like in your mind or because you wrote it, then you'll probably come to the conclusion that it's a bit dry, and it doesn't really give off that cutesy vibe you were aiming for.

To put it simply, while the dialogue itself (not the spacing, that needs work) is solid, the character interactions are somewhat limited, and the pacing for the entire story feels a bit rushed. As in, you could have done better with regards to making the reader connect to the characters. Vaguely said: to make us feel for them.

Eg.

"Konnichiwa. So, what's your name?"

"K-konnichiwa. I'm Gumi."

"Well, I'm Gakupo, Gumi-neechan."

"You're m-my big brother?"

"That's right. And do you know what that means?"

"N-no…"

"Well as your big brother, I'm here for whatever you need. Within reason."

"Even for just hugs?"

This part here could use some description. Whether in the dialougue tags or otherwise. It's nice that we can tell that they're talking and that it's meant to portray some form of childlike innocence, but words themselves don't express emotions as succinctly as actions. Case in point: your body language and intonation while speaking. It's hard to emulate intonation, possible but hard, so the next best thing is body language. You could have, for example, said that Gumi shifted on her feet nervously or that Gakupo smiled at his adopted sister's shyness. Those are examples. While doing this, also consider pacing. The dialogue here seems to zoom through quickly so you can get to the rest of the plot. It's not a good thing when you're trying to be emotional. You have to slow it down a bit. Make Gumi a bit more hesitant. Stuttering is a bit cliched, and also feels a bit unnatural. Hesitation is the new shy, and you can easily pull that off.

As to what AdvancedK47 said, the story could be expanded a little. Obviously, this ties in with pacing, and instead of telling us about the events and forcing the reader to make an emotional connection, try to actually describe the events portrayed in the fic. Jumping between events is a legit method of telling a story, but make sure the in-between stuff is full with things that'll make your readers more emotional. For example,

And that's what happened whenever Gumi had a really bad nightmare. Gakupo would occasionally wake up in the middle of the night to see Gumi cuddled next to him, holding Ninjin-san close to her. He would always smile down at her before settling back to sleep. The two were hardly seen without each other. But things changed as Gakupo got older and Gumi was reconnected with her lost twin, Gumiya. Gakupo could tell she no longer needed to rely on her big brother now that she had Gumiya ad he convinced himself to be okay with that.

Instead of the narrator telling what would always happen, have the narrator describe Gumi coming in to bed with her brother. What does she feel like? Is she feeling calm? Are her eyes teary? Etc... This method of storytelling, as AK47 states, is

more story-like than fic-like

What he means is that it was narrated like a spoken story. For instance, a fairy tale. These kinds of stories tend to be heavily reliant on the overall plot for entertainment value, rather than the nitty gritty of the story itself. You can't do that if you want to be emotional. You have to make an emotional connection by putting the reader into the perspective of your characters.

Anyway, hope this helps. I think I just typed way more than I originally meant to at 4 a.m, even if it's not much.