Kurui
Kageroza's Waifu
- 286
- Posts
- 11
- Years
- In Kageroza's Arms
- Seen Jan 28, 2013
"I will not be drown by your thoughtless scheming."
~~**~~
~~**~~
I'm not going to lie. Years ago when my health took the biggest crash, I just waited every day to die. In the matter of seconds, I went from a pretty normal girl with a few health problems to being completely and utterly incapacitated, watching weeks go by as I lay on the couch feeling as if I were dying every minute of every day.
They still haven't ever figured out the cause.
During the year 2007 I was a very happy, active person. I ran a game team designing the game of my dreams, a 2.5D RPG, and things were going smoothly. Unlike everybody else in my family, I made a point of keeping my health in shape. The gym wasn't a stranger to me and I loved jogging and doing outside activities just as much as I loved animating the little sprite characters for my game. Being a sprite artist was my passion and I wanted to be around for a long time making those cute traditional pixelated creations for all kinds of games. I even collected many commissions in doing them. Aside from my physical and creative art activities, I found and I held a 5 day a week 9 to 5 job in late 2008 as a file clerk and receptionist for a dentist office. I made an extremely decent wage. Life was, perfect.
As my game design document was coming to completion over a year and the animations and programming were shifting into full gear, I was bringing home massive checks every week, and continuing to see my strength grow through my exercise, I couldn't ever imagine the changes that were about to take place. But in the beginning of 2009 I began to have body-shattering headaches. They would literally leave me nearly convulsing or numb on the sides of my face. They would interrupt my work......Finally, I had to see a doctor. Without much of any tests I was diagnosed with migraines and put on Elavil. Without any thought, I just did as the doctors told me and took the medicines.
Taking that medication was one of the biggest mistakes in my life.
During an outing I became completely immobilized on the left side of my body, my heartrate shot up to 150 beats per minute, and my eyes were heavily dilated. When I came into the ER they immediately suspected I was on drugs.........I told them the only "drugs" I had been taken was a prescription for Elavil. They asked me why I was taking depression medication, which shocked me, because I thought it was mainly for headaches ^^;. I informed them that I was taking the medication for persistent migraines. They told me that I was taking too much and appeared to be having overdose, but I told them the amount I took which was the least amount available........So they ruled my case as one of extreme adverse reaction.
One nurse did tell me that had I continued taking the medication, I'd have probably ended up DEAD. Well, there was a wake up call for me. So I stopped the medication.
I felt fine for a few days until once, as I was laying on the couch watching TV, my heart just........started beating so fast by itself at random that I passed out, then woke and got a family member, almost passed out again on them, and they called an ambulance. The stupid idiots that came to pick me up asked me "Are you anxious?" and I was like "Well heck, I feel like I am dying what do YOU think o.O " and he responses that I'm probably having a panic attack that I was doing something stressful and I told him if watching TV was too stressful then I'm in majour trouble, because in my mind relaxing and watching the tube was the most non-stressful thing I knew of.
The people at the ER also blew me off, some even saying I was faking it although i continued to weave in and out of consciousness for the next few hours in the waiting room.
From that day forward, which happened in about March of 2009, I became VIOLENTLY ill with these same symptoms. I had to quit my job because I had no energy. My heartrate was so high CONSTANTLY, never lowering even in my sleep. In order to ease myself to sleep I'd have to literally use my racing heartbeat as something to count just to get my mind off the pain it caused in my chest. I'd faint if I stood up because that would make my heartrate even higher. Every muscle in my body was not under my control. I'd jerk, seizure at times, and my stomach would "pop" and make me regurgitate much about anything I'd eat. For I'd say, the better part of a half year, I lived laying down on a couch...........Never getting up unless it was necessary.
I put my games on hold. No, I put my life on hold. I didn't really have a choice. The pain was also so severe. My chest was always tight and every muscle in my body hurt possibly from them jerking against my will, my joints weakened and shot pain through me, I couldn't keep food down no matter how hard I tried and it hurt so bad when my stomach flopped...........The headaches returned. On top of my cysts on my ovaries causing pain (I was diagnosed with the worst case the doctors had ever seen of Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome in my last year of college).
Heart tests revealed that my heart had good structure. I didn't have insurance or money so in America that means doctors just don't give a flying monkey's behind about you. My family, who never likes me to begin with, began accusing me of being lazy. People, even strangers, kept telling me "You don't LOOK sick." I was suffering more than anybody could know, screaming for help, and getting kicked to the curb in every try. Mt mother beat me because I physically couldn't help her carry in groceries. I even had one of the doctors tell me "LOL Sometimes the heart just goes fast~" and as calm as I am I wanted to punch him between the eyes. If 'sometimes hearts just goes fast' everyone would be laying on a couch unable to do anything, which is obviously not the case. I really hated when doctors, who are too dumb to figure something out, want to just put it off as anxiety or just "We'll you're not really sick. That's normal." As if feeling like I am dying every day suddenly can be classified as normal.
Because of the neglect of doctors, I decided to file for disability. Work places would not hire me because of my impairments. I'd have to have a job where I can faint or lay down anytime it happened, or take multiple days off in a row whenever. It just wasn't happening. Doctors weren't doing anything. So disability was my only chance at having any sort of income.
Over months upon months I began to develop worse symptoms, and at first I wanted to die. Really. The pain was severe and the people around me were cruel. I just wanted it to end. But in March 2010 I met the leader of my alltime favourite band, underground horrorcore group 'Rye Town's Creatures'. I tracked him down online and thus began a partnership of a lifetime. He wrote me songs of love and cherish, even some explicitly about my illness. He once told me "You are the strongest woman I have ever met.", after knowing the full history about my physical abuse from my parents through my sickness. If it weren't for him and my other really good friends I can say I'd probably have given up completely. I'm not saying I have the worst life, but I have had it harder than your average person~. I'm partly proud that I have so, because it has made me a pretty compassionate and firm kind of person. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
I'n late 2010 I nearly died of unexplained dehydration and lack of nutrients. My body wouldn't absorb anything I ate.......and I threw up so much. My mom's friend finally forced her to take me to the ER where I spent a couple of weeks on heavy fluids, vitamins, in IV format. There was ONE good doctor who acted as if he genuinely cared. He looked at me and pretty much said "Nobody can FAKE this. I just wish I knew what was going on.....what to tell you. But right now you're just a medical mystery." he issued that my gallbladder be looked at. They only found a minor problem with it, but removed it just in case. My condition did not improve........
I was peaking heartrates of over 200 beats per minute on my trips, and even during heart studies, in my SLEEP........I had a fever every time I went to the office. Boils began to fester on my skin. I was diagnosed with a common hair follicle condition and given medicines and body wash. It did nothing. I was prescribed three times the amount of dosage, and took it. It also did nothing. A new doctor was issued who then called the other doctors crazy. In late 2011 I had accrued a list of over 10 diagnoses, some of which changed from doctor to doctor. They basically gambled with my health just scratching down on paper what they thought. Most called me crazy or a drug addict. Some said I was an attention seeker.
In December 2011, I appealed a disability case and went MYSELF before a judge. Upon just LOOKING at me (I was sick that day) and asking a very few questions, I was awarded the maximum disability there is, which is basically unheard of. No firm diagnoses or anything, and awarded disability in the blink of an eye. Of course by then I've become the pale thing you see now, with ugly sores and scars covering my skin, with a glazed pained look in my eyes. But still to be awarded it just like that. <3 A miracle of God.
My checks started only about 2-3 months ago. Now I'm seeking a good doctor who actually wants to get to the bottom of this illness, and hopefully, a cure.
But despite so much ignorance and hateful comments at me, and despite everything, I've learned to stand against this sickness, whatever it may be, and live a somewhat decent life. I've my husband and my friends online and offline both, and now insurance and money to live comfortably. I've got God who is there all along.
The last known strongest guesses about my illness is that it may be something to do with my Autonomic Nervous System, with a disease that doesn't afflict very many, but there are some people in my family that have it. Physical trauma is known to trigger it, such as the life threatening reaction to the medication I had years ago. It could have "been there all along" but been set off in full by that. In short, nobody knows, but there will come a time, maybe not in this lifetime, but there will be~ a time when all of my questions are answered and I'll be free of this disabling monster of a sickness.
And this was basically a story of the more back/origin of my illness and a rant on ignorant money hungry doctors. In no way is this anywhere near the full story of everything I've gone through. But enough to get an idea of some majour events in the past 3 years of dealing with it.
And to end with. A list of my symptoms. You can make your own guesses~ at what I have XD :
Rapid heartrate (not brought on by mental anxiety or stress)
Fainting and near fainting
Blood pressure drop
Constant fever
Boils on skin
Hair that falls out
Teeth rotting out and crumbling out
Tremors
Muscle spasms
Small seizures
Confusion
Brain Fog
Severe headaches
Pain everywhere (skin, joints, muscles, everywhere)
Tightness in chest
Sleep apnea (quit breathing in sleep)
Extreme chronic fatigue
Dizziness
Popping in ears
Dehydration even with drinking
Malfunction of system of nutrient absorption resulting in crashing nutrient levels
Insomnia and sleeping TOO much (alternating)
All symptoms of Irritable bowel syndrome
Numbness and tingling randomly
Short term paralysis in some limbs
Cold ALL the time
Regurgitating food (not nauseous)
"Popping" stomach
Jaw that locks up, similar to TMJ
Inability to feel heat (it was to be "too hot" before I even realize its hot......thus sometimes I take too hot of showers and burn my skin without noticing........)
Slurred speech (during very bad 'episodes' )
Things that exacerbate my illness:
Sitting too upright
Moving around/walking
Moving my head
Looking "up" too far
bright lights/flashing lights/big screen TVs
Singing
Moving my arms around
Taking showers
Eating
Oh heck, pretty much everything you need to do to live a normal life XDDDD
And my final words:
Never take your normal life/health for granted. Illness can happen to anyone!
They still haven't ever figured out the cause.
During the year 2007 I was a very happy, active person. I ran a game team designing the game of my dreams, a 2.5D RPG, and things were going smoothly. Unlike everybody else in my family, I made a point of keeping my health in shape. The gym wasn't a stranger to me and I loved jogging and doing outside activities just as much as I loved animating the little sprite characters for my game. Being a sprite artist was my passion and I wanted to be around for a long time making those cute traditional pixelated creations for all kinds of games. I even collected many commissions in doing them. Aside from my physical and creative art activities, I found and I held a 5 day a week 9 to 5 job in late 2008 as a file clerk and receptionist for a dentist office. I made an extremely decent wage. Life was, perfect.
As my game design document was coming to completion over a year and the animations and programming were shifting into full gear, I was bringing home massive checks every week, and continuing to see my strength grow through my exercise, I couldn't ever imagine the changes that were about to take place. But in the beginning of 2009 I began to have body-shattering headaches. They would literally leave me nearly convulsing or numb on the sides of my face. They would interrupt my work......Finally, I had to see a doctor. Without much of any tests I was diagnosed with migraines and put on Elavil. Without any thought, I just did as the doctors told me and took the medicines.
Taking that medication was one of the biggest mistakes in my life.
During an outing I became completely immobilized on the left side of my body, my heartrate shot up to 150 beats per minute, and my eyes were heavily dilated. When I came into the ER they immediately suspected I was on drugs.........I told them the only "drugs" I had been taken was a prescription for Elavil. They asked me why I was taking depression medication, which shocked me, because I thought it was mainly for headaches ^^;. I informed them that I was taking the medication for persistent migraines. They told me that I was taking too much and appeared to be having overdose, but I told them the amount I took which was the least amount available........So they ruled my case as one of extreme adverse reaction.
One nurse did tell me that had I continued taking the medication, I'd have probably ended up DEAD. Well, there was a wake up call for me. So I stopped the medication.
I felt fine for a few days until once, as I was laying on the couch watching TV, my heart just........started beating so fast by itself at random that I passed out, then woke and got a family member, almost passed out again on them, and they called an ambulance. The stupid idiots that came to pick me up asked me "Are you anxious?" and I was like "Well heck, I feel like I am dying what do YOU think o.O " and he responses that I'm probably having a panic attack that I was doing something stressful and I told him if watching TV was too stressful then I'm in majour trouble, because in my mind relaxing and watching the tube was the most non-stressful thing I knew of.
The people at the ER also blew me off, some even saying I was faking it although i continued to weave in and out of consciousness for the next few hours in the waiting room.
From that day forward, which happened in about March of 2009, I became VIOLENTLY ill with these same symptoms. I had to quit my job because I had no energy. My heartrate was so high CONSTANTLY, never lowering even in my sleep. In order to ease myself to sleep I'd have to literally use my racing heartbeat as something to count just to get my mind off the pain it caused in my chest. I'd faint if I stood up because that would make my heartrate even higher. Every muscle in my body was not under my control. I'd jerk, seizure at times, and my stomach would "pop" and make me regurgitate much about anything I'd eat. For I'd say, the better part of a half year, I lived laying down on a couch...........Never getting up unless it was necessary.
I put my games on hold. No, I put my life on hold. I didn't really have a choice. The pain was also so severe. My chest was always tight and every muscle in my body hurt possibly from them jerking against my will, my joints weakened and shot pain through me, I couldn't keep food down no matter how hard I tried and it hurt so bad when my stomach flopped...........The headaches returned. On top of my cysts on my ovaries causing pain (I was diagnosed with the worst case the doctors had ever seen of Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome in my last year of college).
Heart tests revealed that my heart had good structure. I didn't have insurance or money so in America that means doctors just don't give a flying monkey's behind about you. My family, who never likes me to begin with, began accusing me of being lazy. People, even strangers, kept telling me "You don't LOOK sick." I was suffering more than anybody could know, screaming for help, and getting kicked to the curb in every try. Mt mother beat me because I physically couldn't help her carry in groceries. I even had one of the doctors tell me "LOL Sometimes the heart just goes fast~" and as calm as I am I wanted to punch him between the eyes. If 'sometimes hearts just goes fast' everyone would be laying on a couch unable to do anything, which is obviously not the case. I really hated when doctors, who are too dumb to figure something out, want to just put it off as anxiety or just "We'll you're not really sick. That's normal." As if feeling like I am dying every day suddenly can be classified as normal.
Because of the neglect of doctors, I decided to file for disability. Work places would not hire me because of my impairments. I'd have to have a job where I can faint or lay down anytime it happened, or take multiple days off in a row whenever. It just wasn't happening. Doctors weren't doing anything. So disability was my only chance at having any sort of income.
Over months upon months I began to develop worse symptoms, and at first I wanted to die. Really. The pain was severe and the people around me were cruel. I just wanted it to end. But in March 2010 I met the leader of my alltime favourite band, underground horrorcore group 'Rye Town's Creatures'. I tracked him down online and thus began a partnership of a lifetime. He wrote me songs of love and cherish, even some explicitly about my illness. He once told me "You are the strongest woman I have ever met.", after knowing the full history about my physical abuse from my parents through my sickness. If it weren't for him and my other really good friends I can say I'd probably have given up completely. I'm not saying I have the worst life, but I have had it harder than your average person~. I'm partly proud that I have so, because it has made me a pretty compassionate and firm kind of person. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
I'n late 2010 I nearly died of unexplained dehydration and lack of nutrients. My body wouldn't absorb anything I ate.......and I threw up so much. My mom's friend finally forced her to take me to the ER where I spent a couple of weeks on heavy fluids, vitamins, in IV format. There was ONE good doctor who acted as if he genuinely cared. He looked at me and pretty much said "Nobody can FAKE this. I just wish I knew what was going on.....what to tell you. But right now you're just a medical mystery." he issued that my gallbladder be looked at. They only found a minor problem with it, but removed it just in case. My condition did not improve........
I was peaking heartrates of over 200 beats per minute on my trips, and even during heart studies, in my SLEEP........I had a fever every time I went to the office. Boils began to fester on my skin. I was diagnosed with a common hair follicle condition and given medicines and body wash. It did nothing. I was prescribed three times the amount of dosage, and took it. It also did nothing. A new doctor was issued who then called the other doctors crazy. In late 2011 I had accrued a list of over 10 diagnoses, some of which changed from doctor to doctor. They basically gambled with my health just scratching down on paper what they thought. Most called me crazy or a drug addict. Some said I was an attention seeker.
In December 2011, I appealed a disability case and went MYSELF before a judge. Upon just LOOKING at me (I was sick that day) and asking a very few questions, I was awarded the maximum disability there is, which is basically unheard of. No firm diagnoses or anything, and awarded disability in the blink of an eye. Of course by then I've become the pale thing you see now, with ugly sores and scars covering my skin, with a glazed pained look in my eyes. But still to be awarded it just like that. <3 A miracle of God.
My checks started only about 2-3 months ago. Now I'm seeking a good doctor who actually wants to get to the bottom of this illness, and hopefully, a cure.
But despite so much ignorance and hateful comments at me, and despite everything, I've learned to stand against this sickness, whatever it may be, and live a somewhat decent life. I've my husband and my friends online and offline both, and now insurance and money to live comfortably. I've got God who is there all along.
The last known strongest guesses about my illness is that it may be something to do with my Autonomic Nervous System, with a disease that doesn't afflict very many, but there are some people in my family that have it. Physical trauma is known to trigger it, such as the life threatening reaction to the medication I had years ago. It could have "been there all along" but been set off in full by that. In short, nobody knows, but there will come a time, maybe not in this lifetime, but there will be~ a time when all of my questions are answered and I'll be free of this disabling monster of a sickness.
And this was basically a story of the more back/origin of my illness and a rant on ignorant money hungry doctors. In no way is this anywhere near the full story of everything I've gone through. But enough to get an idea of some majour events in the past 3 years of dealing with it.
And to end with. A list of my symptoms. You can make your own guesses~ at what I have XD :
Rapid heartrate (not brought on by mental anxiety or stress)
Fainting and near fainting
Blood pressure drop
Constant fever
Boils on skin
Hair that falls out
Teeth rotting out and crumbling out
Tremors
Muscle spasms
Small seizures
Confusion
Brain Fog
Severe headaches
Pain everywhere (skin, joints, muscles, everywhere)
Tightness in chest
Sleep apnea (quit breathing in sleep)
Extreme chronic fatigue
Dizziness
Popping in ears
Dehydration even with drinking
Malfunction of system of nutrient absorption resulting in crashing nutrient levels
Insomnia and sleeping TOO much (alternating)
All symptoms of Irritable bowel syndrome
Numbness and tingling randomly
Short term paralysis in some limbs
Cold ALL the time
Regurgitating food (not nauseous)
"Popping" stomach
Jaw that locks up, similar to TMJ
Inability to feel heat (it was to be "too hot" before I even realize its hot......thus sometimes I take too hot of showers and burn my skin without noticing........)
Slurred speech (during very bad 'episodes' )
Things that exacerbate my illness:
Sitting too upright
Moving around/walking
Moving my head
Looking "up" too far
bright lights/flashing lights/big screen TVs
Singing
Moving my arms around
Taking showers
Eating
Oh heck, pretty much everything you need to do to live a normal life XDDDD
And my final words:
Never take your normal life/health for granted. Illness can happen to anyone!
