purple_drake stole my thunder on the prologue
I seem to have done that to a couple of people. XD But what goes 'round, as they say… I had difficulty trying to find stuff that everyone else hasn't already covered for this chapter!
And speaking of reviews… I should get started. ^.^;;
Yeah, corny chapter name, but it has to do with the song Lisa sings in the chapter, which is, coincidentally, "At the Beginning" by Richard Marx and Donna Lewis.
Not so corny. ;) Using songs as chapter names isn't that bad… heck, I'll be doing it myself once I reach that far in my story…
…oh, and I love, LOVE that song. ^^ It's probably the best thing to come out of the Anastasia film… unless it was written beforehand and they just decided to use it as the theme song… but either way. ^.^;; Yus. *faves*
Maybe I should give you a nickname, Meowth. How about, 'Quadratic Formula'?"
Meowth scowled at its trainer, apparently not accepting the name.
Lisa continued to suggest nicknames. "3.14159? Pythagorean Theorem? SOHCAHTOA? Isosceles Triangle? System of Equations? What, you don't like ANY of them?!"
Like everyone else, I loved this part. XD Gawd, she's so nerdy—but this is coming from a girl who always names her pokémon after mythological deities, so go figure. :3 At least she's got a working theme.
Although, by the end of the scene I was wondering, 'why doesn't she just name it Pi?'
…besides the fact that anyone hearing it would think she's referring to the food. XD
So. Uhm. Yes. :3 There are some things I would usually talk about, but I won't, because everyone else has already mentioned them. :P So I agree with just about everything everyone else has pointed out, especially the bit about Lisa's character being a touch Sue-ish.
Although speaking of Lisa's character, there was something I wanted to expand on… I think someone's already mentioned 'showing not telling', but I'm not sure if it was in reference to Lisa or, really, any of the other characters.
You've been giving us some of their thoughts and reactions to things, but not really much in the way of how events are affecting them. As a result, your interactions seem kind of flat and rushed.
Let's take the scene between Lisa and her father, for instance… I know you said that, in comparison to your previous copy, Lisa's parents are forcing her to leave and go on a pokémon journey, but I'm not getting any of the urgency or forcefulness. The monologues are a part of problem, but others have already mentioned them, so I won't repeat that. But in combination to breaking up the monologues with action, you need to
show what each of the characters are feeling during the interaction. Obviously that's going to be more difficult when you're writing from one character's perspective, in which case you can't do much more than write the reactions they have observed from others, but it's the character driving the scene which is going to require the most focus anyway.
Let's take this excerpt for example:
"Um, Lisa, when most start out Pokémon training, they proceed by foot."
"On foot?! Are you serious?" Lisa ran over to her closet and opened it up. "I only have one pair of shoes that aren't heels, and those happen to be ballet flts! I can't possibly walk all that way in heels!"
"Honey, we bought you a pair of sneakers…"
"Dad, I told you, I never wear sneakers. Tomboys do that, and I do not want to be lumped into that category. I'll take my chances with the heels."
Aside from the fact that this is mostly dialogue (which isn't necessarily bad, depending on how it's used, and at least it alternates the speaker) the only descriptive piece is Lisa running over to her closet and opening it up. And I just repeated the sentence word for word just by explaining what happened, which suggests that the language is pretty basic—again, not necessarily a bad thing, but use of words can often imply more emotion than their most basic synonyms.
Lisa's just received an unexpected surprise—not only is she being forced to go out on a pokémon journey, but she's being forced to walk the whole way. Why isn't she a little bit shocked, or getting annoyed? Her dialogue says she's throwing a mini-tantrum, but where's the emotion? And why isn't her father getting a little annoyed; you've implied that they've spoken about this before (at least, that's the impression I got), which would also imply an argument since Lisa's against it, but they act like they're discussing the weather. And if they haven't talked about it before, aside from the fact that it's pretty bad of her father to come out and tell her this only minutes before they leave, then Lisa would probably be even more shocked and maybe even outright angry that they came up with this so suddenly.
So… yus, an example might help explain it better:
"Um, Lisa, when most people start out pokémon training, they proceed by foot."
Lisa's stomach plummeted. He's got to be joking. "On foot?! Are you serious?" One look at her father's longsuffering expression and yes, she knew he was serious. But— She launched herself off her padded chair, sending it scudding backwards on the carpet, the girl rushing over to her wardrobe and throwing open the wooden doors with a dual slam as they hit the walls. A glance told her what she already knew, and her heart sank further. "I only have one pair of shoes that aren't heels, and those happen to be ballet flats! I can't possibly walk the whole way in heels!"
She whirled around to her father, pinning him with a desperate, pleading expression, but he just sighed in slight exasperation. "Honey, we bought you a pair of sneakers…"
Forget it! "Dad, I told you, I never wear sneakers. Tomboys do that, and I do not want to be lumped into that category." She huffed slightly, crossing her arms, her mouth turning unhappily down at the sides. "I'll take my chances with the heels."
…the bolded word is something I think you should add in, just as a side note. ^.^;;
Now, obviously I don't know much about Lisa's inner thoughts and motives, so forgive me if I got her characterisation wrong. Here, I've got a description not just of what the characters are
doing, but what they're feeling too. Plus, I've interspersed Lisa's thoughts in the scene; since thoughts are a fluid, continuous thing, giving little snippets of what the character is thinking at any one time can offer a lot of insight.
Granted, that's a matter of style, and there's nothing wrong with having them reflect on things after the fact; I mention it just in case you find it helpful in expanding on Lisa's thoughts.
I mentioned that I agreed with the apparent Sue-ness, right? Well, part of the reason she seems that way is because so far, her reactions and emotions aren't really described. I mean, when she enters the lab and sees it in ruins, we don't get her reaction to it; shouldn't she be shocked, confused, maybe frightened or worried? Instead she just seems to take it in stride. It's that sort of reaction—or lack thereof—as though the character knows exactly what to do despite never having been in the situation before—which makes her seem even more 'perfect' than she's supposed to be.
…and I just looked back at your other reviews, and I see that Hanako mentioned something similar to this (the lack of reaction) with regard to the professor in the prologue… but oh well. ^.^;;
…oh, and something to bring up about her having two companies… aside from the fact that (coming from an admittedly inexperienced source) I imagine the web design company would be enough for expenses, why aren't her parents giving her any kind of allowance or travel expenses? I know you've said you wanted to make sure she has enough money, but she seems to come from a wealthy family, so it's not like they're tight on cash. She may be a genius, but she still is a child, so as independent as she is I find it a bit of a stretch that they'd throw her out like that without any kind of backing.
Plus, I don't know if you've planned this already or not, but the
lack of expenses would provide some good character development, as she gets herself into tight spots because she hasn't saved money properly, learns how to limit her spending and spend it the most important things.
Okay, since we're on the topic of maturity, let's leave the characters and slide into the subject of plotholes:
Hanging up the phone, the girl sighed. "This is ridiculous… I might be only fifteen, but I'm a college grad and the owner of two businesses. I should be mature enough to stay at home. Oh, well, I'll never understand parents… Better make this second call, then."
It seems to me that going out on a journey, on foot, without any kind of adult and in the company of beings that could conceivably electrocute, burn or explode you without much effort at all, would require more maturity than staying at home. There are a
lot more things to think about; true, no bills, but other expenses such as money for travelling (if she decides to cut corners by catching a bus or train), pokémon food and upkeep, First Aid equipment/medical stuff, money for clothes which gets worn out, leaving aside the givens of food and lodging—and most of those have to do with money. What about security? Making sure she knows where emergency services are in the cities—making sure she can find the Pokémon Centres?
In addition, the comment is at odds with the fact that her parents are shoving her out the door without seeming to lend her any money whatsoever, which one could take as a strong expression of trust and belief in her maturity (if they accepted the fact that any parent worth their salt would do that to begin with).
I also wanted to mention the fact that her parents left so quickly… it felt like you just wanted to get rid of them, because they're unimportant characters or you weren't sure about their characterisation. Plus, it really doesn't help your case of 'they're forcing Lisa to go'. If they were really making her go, then why didn't they stick around to make sure she actually went? Even if Lisa isn't the type of girl to disobey her parents like that, their lack of presence when she leaves takes away some of the edge and makes it seem more like she's going of her own free will.
I've mentioned her total lack of reaction to the break-in… I also agree with Alter Ego about the effects the break-in would have had on the professor—things such as her thirst and stiffness. It's details like that which lend a good deal of realism towards a story.
Also, why is it that the first thing Sequoia does is start blurting out her story to the first person she sees? I know Lisa asked, but considering the night she's had I would think the professor would be more concerned with the identity of her rescuer, not to mention checking the damage and making sure no one was actually hurt—how does she know whether there weren't other scientists there, possibly injured or killed? And if her rescuer is a total stranger—which, obviously, Lisa isn't, but Sequoia didn't stop to check—then why would she blurt all that stuff out? And considering that Lisa is still a kid, why's she going into detail about the stuff to begin with—why does Lisa need to know at all?
Then there's the appearance of the meowth, which seemed really… out there. I mean, from the prologue on you've inferred that the operatives stole all the pokémon, but this particular one just happens to appear? Why was she out of her pokéball to begin with, when all the others weren't? Why didn't she try to fight off the attackers, if she's loyal to the lab? Why didn't they find her—especially since the houndoom had been released, why didn't it smell cat? Why didn't she start investigating around the cupboard where Sequoia was tied up—obviously Sequoia is her surrogate trainer, for now, so the pokémon has to be at least a little bit concerned. Some foreshadowing in the prologue of her escaping, or hiding—you don't even need to mention what it is, just imply that something else is
there—would go a lot towards making Meowth's appearance seem less like it was just pasted in for convenience.
And, you
say that Lisa and Meowth already know each other and have developed a friendship, but it doesn't seem like it at all; in fact, when Meowth first jumped into her arms I put another mark down on the 'Mary-Sue chart', because it seemed like Meowth had bonded instantly with a total stranger. Part of it is because you describe Lisa as 'stunned', I think, but there are other factors involved. For instance, if Lisa knows and is friends with one of the pokémon at the lab, how come she isn't shocked and worried upon hearing that all the pokémon at the lab had apparently been stolen? And why isn't she relieved when it turns out that Meowth isn't? If you made it so that Lisa greeted Meowth before Meowth jumped into her arms, then that would establish that they at least know each other.
…and as a side note, why does Sequoia mention that Meowth was caught in a Luxury ball? I mean, so what? That just seemed kind of random to me.
As they walked out of town, Lisa started to sing quietly, which seemed to relax her Meowth.
"We were strangers
Starting out on a journey
Never dreaming what
We'd have to go through
Now here we are
And I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you"
Well, first of all, you need a fullstop after the final 'you'. ;)
Second of all, you say that Lisa's singing in order to relax Meowth, but Meowth has been pretty calm thus far; why would she need relaxing? Plus, the fact that Lisa suddenly started singing like that seemed kind of abrupt to me. Even if it does suit the situation, there needs to be some reason for her to have thought of it to begin with (another point which is related to expanding on Lisa's thoughts and motives).
I understand how tempting it is to paste the song in there, since I did the same thing in the original copy of my chaptered story—my character actually started on her journey because of a song, which was then supposed to be a main theme throughout the rest of the story. I ended up chopping it out of the new copy, and the story is better for it, even though in some ways it still suits as a theme.
I'm not saying that you should cut your song out as well, but if Lisa's going to have an awareness of the theme and its significance, then you're really going to need a lot of justification for its presence; otherwise it'll just seem kind of corny. I do wish you luck with that, though—hopefully you'll succeed where I failed. ;)
"Chromo Town. I guess that's our next destination. Well, we might as well get started."
I seriously thought this was the end of the chapter. Then it kept going and I was like, 'huh?' and everything afterwards seemed rushed and pasted onto the end. It seemed like you thought you should have some kind of training in there, since it's a trainer fic, so just decided to add it in at the end.
Why did Lisa randomly decide to start working on Meowth's attacks? In the middle of the path? Just outside of town?
And then Meowth picks up on things unbelievably quickly. True, a single scratch is very easy, no complaints about that; but why did Lisa progress so quickly to moving targets? Landing a blow upon a stationary target may be easy, but
where the blow landed is just as important.
Forget it's a bush. What if it were, say, a cyndaquil? A scratch directly on its back would leave Meowth open to getting flamed. On the other hand, landing the blow on the cyndaquil's head would mean Meowth was in a position safer from a counterattack (unless the cyndaquil managed a Tackle), or taking out one of its legs would give Meowth an advantage because cyndaquil would fumble. Everything has a weak point—the most obvious thing being the eyes and often the belly—so being able to target those weak points with a good degree of accuracy is going to important, even if it's a stationary target. Plus, there's the fact that an opposing pokémon would likely be attacking while Meowth is moving towards them or trying to find an optimal position to attack from; in that case, Meowth's ability to attack while she herself is in motion is going to be just as important.
Obviously, since a bush can't attack back, none of these are entirely pertinent for this chapter, but it is an indication that going from stationary to moving targets is still a big jump.
What I really had issue with was how quickly Meowth was able to master moving targets. True, if the breeze isn't very strong then the leaves aren't going to be moving very fast, but it would still be very difficult to predict where the leaves are going to float next, especially for an inexperienced pokémon. Yet Meowth succeeds in two tries; what the? What's more, after only
one direct hit, Lisa is satisfied? As a mathematician, shouldn't she want to make sure Meowth's performance is optimal? That it wasn't just a fluke? If she's serious enough about training to actually take time off and work on the attacks outside of a battle, then she shouldn't be doing things halfway.
…and I know that someone else has already brought up the Fury Swipes thing, but that annoyed me too, so I wanted to put in my two-cents worth. ^.^;;;
That, and I already started to dissect your comment…:
I just figured that if it can learn cratch, then doing the move several times in a row isn't much harder... And on that subject, how is a "Slash" different from a "Scratch?" Is it executed faster? Do the claws dig deeper into the opponent?
XD So yes, sorry.
Okay, definitions of 'scratch' and 'swipe' by thefreedictionary.com:
Scratch: 'To use the nails or claws to dig or scrape at.' Also, 'To make a thin shallow cut or mark on (a surface) with a sharp instrument.'
Swipe: 'To make a sweeping stroke.'
So the definitions would indicate that swiping is a more powerful blow, because it evidently uses more body weight—otherwise how could it be 'sweeping'? Plus, to add to the discussion:
Fury: 'Violent anger; rage.' In terms of adjectives, it would be 'furious', which then has a definition of 'full of activity; energetic or rapid'. Therefore, one can assume that Fury Swipes would be a good deal faster than a simple scratch, as well as being a broader motion.
In that sense, Fury Swipes isn't as simple as just performing the same move several times in a row; the pokémon would have to master the rapid speed at which those blows are delivered, which would take good deal longer than a few minutes' training. For one, their muscles would have to build up to the point that they can move with that kind of speed.
And, since you brought it up:
Slash: 'To cut or form by cutting with forceful sweeping strokes.'
So slashing is even more powerful than a simple scratch, because it's got a
lot of weight and strength behind it. Where Scratch might leave a minor wound or graze, and Fury Swipes is focussed upon speed, Slash would dig and rip away flesh, probably strongly enough to get at or break bones.
Finally, the transition to Lisa deciding to nickname Meowth was very sudden, as is her abrupt decision that they need to get going after a few minutes' worth of training; what was the point in stopping to train to begin with?
So… I think that was all in terms of plothole-type things. ^.^;; I still have a few more minor things to point out, though… so let's start with a language issue:
"Sorry, I'll get on it right now!" Lisa started packing about five of her favorite outfits into vacuum-sealed bags and placing them into her dark purple backpack. "I love these vacuum-sealed bags! They let me carry a whole suitcase's worth of clothes in something I can easily fit on my back!"
Aside from the fact that, as Alter Ego pointed out, you've got some repetition, she sounds like a television advertisement. Seriously. Why is she saying that out loud? The first part—'I love these vacuum-sealed bags'—sure, I've expressed my liking for things out loud in an empty room before; it's the second sentence which gets me, just because she does sound like she's trying to sell something. If you want to explain why the vacuum-sealed bags are so important, I'd suggest doing it as an aside, speaking as the narrator. Sort of like this (because I suck at explaining myself XD):
"I love these vacuum-sealed bags," Lisa sighed. And she did; they were so useful for travelling, especially when you needed to travel as light as possible. It meant that she could carry a suitcase's worth of clothes just in her backpack, instead of being forced to cart one of them all over the country.
Also, I think someone already mentioned this, but your representation of thoughts is kind of confusing because of the speech marks you used. You've got them in italics, which is good, but you use the double speech marks for dialogue as well as thought, and since italics is often used for emphasis anyway it confused the heck outta me. As far as I'm aware, if dialogue uses one form of punctuation, then thought is usually the other (or, alternatively, thought doesn't need to have speech marks at all, which is the route I take).
And finally, the really little nitpicks:
She had three computers- a Windows laptop, a Mac desktop, and a second desktop running Linux.
and no ornamentation whatsoever - just a huge tan block with the occasional window
There are those camouflaged hyphens again. ;)
"This girl had been receiving notices to claim a starter Pokémon for five years and chooses today, of all days, to finally take one?"
This should be 'has', present tense, which would match the rest of Sequoia's thought pattern (as well as being the accepted tense for direct thought patterns). Alternatively, you could have an indirect conveyance of the professor's thoughts through the narrator, in which case you'd write:
This girl had been receiving notices to claim a starter pokémon for five years and chose today, of all days, to finally take one?
Since it's technically the narrator speaking it'd be without speech marks or italics. Plus, if you write it like this it might help with that issue of transferring from Lisa to the professor which you mentioned being uncertain about, since it's just the narrator's telling of Sequoia's thoughts and not her thoughts directly as it is with Lisa.
Then again, you're also talking to someone who has a habit of changing perspective mid-scene, so… ^.^;;;
"Thanks, professor!" Lisa and her new Meowth both waved back before taking the route out of town.
'Professor' should be capitalised, since it's being used as a pronoun.
before leaping at it with its claws at the ready.
Meowth scowled at its trainer,
You've already established Meowth as being a girl, so these should be 'her'. ;)
…aaaaaaand I think I'm done. ^.^;;; Sorry for the longish review, guess I found more to talk about than I thought I would.
On a completely irrelevant note, would you happen to watch the TV show 'Numb3rs'? Seeing as how you're a fan of math and all. :3