UNSINKABLE

deliriouspurple

deliriouspurple

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    • Seen Feb 14, 2016

    We were five in the cycle
    Then we became four, then three
    And finally we were only partners.
    How numbers can be
    Subjected under constant changes!

    Yes, we were only two
    But it never became dull nor gloomy.
    The friendship stands so strong
    Beating the odds, keeping high hopes
    Generous in giving our spirit and soul!

    It's not about who, when and why
    Facts are merely the shadow of disguise.
    It's about how true and loyal
    the commitment and trust.
    It's about the bond we shared
    Through the years that pass.

    -Hina
    ​
     
    Okay i will review this poem verse by verse then look at it as a whole

    Verse One


    We were five in the cycle
    Then we became four, then three
    And finally we were only partners.
    How numbers can be
    Subjected under constant changes!

    Strong opening verse with a nice sycopated rhythm. I like your wording, instead of tring to rhyme the poem line after line you used words with in lines to rhyme eg. " then three And finally" even though the next line at "be" is going to rhyme using finally earlier in the scentence beforehand added a nice touch. Just a little something i picked up on. There is nic structure here nothing to confuse the reader, it is quite clear what you're reading and no obscure words. Nicely put i'm finding it hard to find anything wrong. Though the only thing that tightens the flow (Notice the t's i used there as n exmple of this) is the use of then twice in one line. The letter t really makes a poem hard to read back and repition of words begining with t in the same line can often be slightly thedious but it's only a very minor flaw in what is a majourly solid opening verse.

    Verse Two



    Yes, we were only two
    But it never became dull nor gloomy.
    The friendship stands so strong
    Beating the odds, keeping high hopes
    Generous in giving our spirit and soul!

    Okay this verse is slightly more loose than the first but this is what you'd expect from it being the middle verse! The middle verse is often like the middle child, odd and less focused on then the first and the last! It's not a bad verse don't get me wrong but i feel maybe 1 or 2 words could be changed. "But it never became dull nor gloomy" maybe replace gloomy i think it doesn't flpw great here, it reds slightly sluggish which would be fine but the next lines have pace to them, the flow nice and smoothly. Off the top of my head you could try "Though it never became dull nor down" which has nice use of the two d's there but you could probably think of something better! I love your use of the S's (I'm gone blank i cant remember the term) "Stands so Strong" Is a really nice line with good use of the s's. But a nice end to a nice verse. It's friendly even if it is a middle verse which can often go off the mark!

    Verse Three



    It's not about who, when and why
    Facts are merely the shadow of disguise.
    It's about how true and loyal
    the commitment and trust.
    It's about the bond we shared
    Through the years that pass.

    This reads very well! It's maybe the not the best ending verse ever but it delivers whet you'd expect. It's a nice summary of the poem and ties up the end very well. It was nice to see you said it was all about the bond you had shared in the past. Though i would have almost like to have heard what would become of the two of you that were left so maybe another verse would be good, Then again you'd lose your 21 lines... Anyway regardless this is a nicely written end.

    Final Verdict


    We were five in the cycle
    Then we became four, then three
    And finally we were only partners.
    How numbers can be
    Subjected under constant changes!

    Yes, we were only two
    But it never became dull nor gloomy.
    The friendship stands so strong
    Beating the odds, keeping high hopes
    Generous in giving our spirit and soul!

    It's not about who, when and why
    Facts are merely the shadow of disguise.
    It's about how true and loyal
    the commitment and trust.
    It's about the bond we shared
    Through the years that pass.

    I enjoyed this poem i thought it was well written and well structured with some good techniques. You know poetry pretty well and it shows trough each line! Very good read and quite hard to give many bad marks. I'm gonna have to give a 9.5/10.
    Excellent peice of work

    ​

    [h1][/h1]

     
    As someone said before, the last verse is great, not saying that the other ones aren't but the last verse really liked me.
    Great work, it's really really nice to read about something as important as friendship with such a correct and great words. Keep working like that!
     
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