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  #1    
Old April 6th, 2009 (5:31 PM).
Feathing's Avatar
Feathing Feathing is offline
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    Well, I wrote this one several months ago. It may have some mistakes, so I hope you readers like it and comment anything that can be wrong.
    And yes, feel free to leave any idea for a title XD

    We're on the edge.
    Jumpin' it isn't easy.
    But, c'mon, let me fly!

    Will my life end abruptly,
    crashed on misty pikes?

    Or will I be able
    to rise and conquer?
    A smile and 'Goodbye' ?

    I'm towards the edge now.
    If I jump there won't be the same.
    If I don't there will always be the same.
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    ..:: The Poetry does not belong to its creator, but the one who needs it ::..
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      #2    
    Old April 6th, 2009 (5:34 PM).
    ShadowLeader's Avatar
    ShadowLeader ShadowLeader is offline
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      how about The Edge or On The Edge or something like that?.....good poem but it kinda confused me....not the msg just the way the words rolled off...but i like it!:D
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        #3    
      Old April 6th, 2009 (7:56 PM).
      Gymnotide's Avatar
      Gymnotide Gymnotide is offline
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        Jump = fly.
        Jump = change.
        Change = fly.

        Quote:
        We're on the edge.
        Jumpin' it isn't easy.
        But, c'mon, let me fly!
        It's something about the style. It works. There's power in simpler speech (which I obviously can't do myself )
        I'm wondering if "it" is necessary since it is currently grammatically incorrect

        Quote:
        Will my life end abruptly,
        crashed on misty pikes?
        Word choice on "crashed." Doesn't feel right.
        "Misty pikes" sounds pretty weird too.

        Also, I lol'd since Misty is in your avatar.

        Quote:
        Or will I be able
        to rise and conquer?
        A smile and 'Goodbye' ?
        What is the speaker going to "conquer"? Ends too abruptly.
        If you read it too quickly it reads "and conquer a smile," which makes no sense.

        I have problems with the fragmented third line. "Smile and say 'Goodbye'"?

        Quote:
        I'm towards the edge now.
        If I jump there won't be the same.
        If I don't there will always be the same.
        What happened to "we" in the first line?

        Is the use of "there" as a noun intentional?
        Frankly, the last two lines flow terribly and they are hard to read.

        Overall, it's simple, but somewhat effective. I'd like to see more relation between the various lines - I feel as though the first stanza could be dropped and the poem would stay the same. The tone changes right after the third line and not in a good way. Try to follow through to the end or gradually change it.

        Another problem I see is that there really is no doubt to the choice which apparently "isn't easy." Convey that keeping change is often easier than changing or convey some other form of doubt.
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        "I want to tear myself from this place, from this reality, rise up like a cloud and float away, melt into this humid summer night and dissolve somewhere far, over the hills. But I am here, my legs blocks of concrete, my lungs empty of air, my throat burning. There will be no floating away."

        Khaled Hosseini

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          #4    
        Old April 7th, 2009 (6:07 AM).
        Feathing's Avatar
        Feathing Feathing is offline
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          I see, I see... The second verse is quite confusing, but it happens because I wrote it originally in Spanish, and when I translated.. :/

          About the third verse, I know it can be seen as messy and senseless, but I like that way, it's all just about perspective, I think...

          There's no 'conquer', this is not Age of Empires XD But is a conquer of life... "Will I be able to conquer my goals? my objectives?" That's what I'm talking about.
          And 'A smile and goodbye' keeps the relation with that. I tried to say that if I go in the quest of my goals, I will just need to say 'goodbye' and, with a smile, go and face life.
          I understand the whole concept, but also understand that I'm the writter so its obvious for me to understand it XD

          Anyway, thanks for the comments, I'll take them in consideration!
          __________________

          Non-Pokemon Writings:
          I Desire..
          Blue and Green
          Title-less

          Pokemon Writings:
          Green Everlasting (OneShot)
          My First Fic: The Rivalry






          ..:: The Poetry does not belong to its creator, but the one who needs it ::..
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            #5    
          Old April 7th, 2009 (10:41 AM).
          ShadowLeader's Avatar
          ShadowLeader ShadowLeader is offline
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            Hey Gymnotide, not tryin to offend u or make u angry but i dont think there is anything wrong with the way he wrote it. this is poetry and poetry can be written anyway. thats the freedom of it.
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