Fake Bieber Love

[Chapter 1]
[Anna Summer's POV]
I was in my big sister's car (Big sister's name: Bryanna) on my way to a Justin Bieber concert. But I never thought this one incident would change my life forever. We were there soon, TONS of fans screaming loudly and fans holding up signs, and some fans even clinging onto his legs. We got out of the car and I got V.I.P. Pass and started walking to the concert. I struggled to get past the fans. Although, everything turned black...when I had fallen over into the crowd...and got stepped on by one, or many of the fans.
The next time I woke up, I was in a hospitial bed with chords hooked up to this machine. I sighed and took a deep breath. I lay on the bed and a nurse came in, and sat next to me on the bed.
"Tell me, what your biggest dream is," She simply said. I nodded and thought.
"My biggest dream is for Justin Bieber to be my boyfriend," I told the nurse. The nurse smiled, "I'll be right back." She said and then walked out, leaving me alone in the room, finally, to think and get my senses straight.
[Justin's POV]
I was waiting outside next to the injured fan's room. The nurse sighed, "Her wish...is for you to be her boyfriend." She told me. I was immedieately infuriated. I tried to stay calm though. "Fine..for how long?" I asked the nurse. The nurse shrugged. "I don't know, I guess for until she gets better," She told me. I growled. Dang it...I don't want to be this girl's boyfriend. I have no choice, hm? I nodded and walked into the room, trying my best to act happy.
Anna had brown hair, blue eyes and was in a hospital gown. She smiled shyly at me. I smiled fakely back.
"Hello," I said, my voice was faking to be happy, I'm surprised the dumb dimwit didn't know. I sat next to her. She blushed. Why would this nitwit be blushing? I'm just a famous singer.
"H-hi, I'm Anna summers," She said quietly. Okay, now I was annoyed. Was there a problem with her voice, or was she just retarted? Why was she acting so shy and quiet around me? I laughed fakely.
"Don't be nervous. You have no reason to be nervous," I reassured her, obviously it was fake though. "So...I heard....you want me to be your boyfriend?" I almost wanted to explode at that part, the fact this wretched, ugly girl wanted me to be HER boyfriend.
She smiled shyly again. Dang it...why ws she so shy?! I almost wanted to lean over and strange her. Instead I smiled fakely again to replace my anger.
"Y-yea is that alright?" She asked me. I almost exploded. NO IT IS NOT ALRIGHT.
"Y-yea...it's fine," I lied. "So," I tried to start up a conversation, "I am SO sorry for what happened at my concert. You know how my fans get." I smiled fakely still. I obviously lied. I felt no sincere for her.
She laughed quietly. "It's okay, you have true dedicated fans." She told me. Of course I do dimwit, I'm a huge pop-star. I just nodded not knowing what to say. She opened her arms, chords wrapped on them and gave me an unexpected, tight hug. I almost wanted to break her arms.
"Som you wanna go out with me?" i asked her. I almost puked at that part. Ugh, why would I ever want to go out with her? She nodded and kissed me on the cheek. I smiled, this time sincerely. Maybe, this wouldn't be so bad. I would only see Anna once a day, right? I sighed.
"Well, I gotta go now. See ya Anna," I told her and walked out of the hopsital, driving back to the house.
Chapter End Notes:
So, how was it? Bad? Good? Please review~
Also...Please give me ideas for the 2nd chapter, I kinda have writers block, woring on 4 stories at the same time, no joke. (2 on Microsoft word, I have yet to post them on here.)

I'll give you some advice now - try not to work on four stories at a time. It distracts you and will probably result in lower-quality work. Take all the time you need to make the fic what you think it should be.

That being said, let's take a look at just this first chapter...

First of all, you need to be double-spacing your paragraphs. Right now, the way it is is much too hard to read, and I could barely skim it.

We got out of the car and I got V.I.P. Pass and started walking to the concert.

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Wait, how did you get the V.I.P. pass? It just... appeared out of nowhere?

Although, everything turned black...when I had fallen over into the crowd...and got stepped on by one, or many of the fans.

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The word "although" doesn't fit there - you're not contrasting two things and emphasizing one of the two. I'd suggest putting "then" there instead. Also, that sentence by itself is a little confusing. It's much easier to read when you list the events in causal order, like this:

Then, I fell over into the crowd, and started getting stepped on by the fans. Slowly, everything turned black as I lost consciousness.

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It makes for much cleaner writing.

The next time I woke up, I was in a hospitial bed with chords hooked up to this machine. I sighed and took a deep breath. I lay on the bed and a nurse came in, and sat next to me on the bed.

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Might also want to work on your spelling - you were in a hospital bed with cords hooked up to a machine.

"Tell me, what your biggest dream is," She simply said. I nodded and thought.
"My biggest dream is for Justin Bieber to be my boyfriend," I told the nurse. The nurse smiled, "I'll be right back." She said and then walked out, leaving me alone in the room, finally, to think and get my senses straight.

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So wait, the nurse just pops this question without even asking how she (I presume, Anna Summers) feels? Seems pretty off to me.

And the nurse just goes out and carries this "dream" out? Without even looking incredulous at first?

I was waiting outside next to the injured fan's room. The nurse sighed, "Her wish...is for you to be her boyfriend." She told me. I was immediately infuriated. I tried to stay calm though. "Fine..for how long?" I asked the nurse. The nurse shrugged. "I don't know, I guess for until she gets better," She told me. I growled. Dang it...I don't want to be this girl's boyfriend. I have no choice, hm? I nodded and walked into the room, trying my best to act happy.

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Hold on a sec... what do you mean Justin Bieber has no choice in the matter? Where did this come from?

I'll give you one prop, though - after reading the first part, I fully expected Justin Bieber to immediately take on the idea of having her as a girlfriend. At least you did that part realistically, having him totally uninterested. But perhaps being repulsed by the idea would have been a little extreme.

So, in summary, you have some spelling and grammar issues to work on, and you might want to consider for yourself how the plot is going to work out. We can't help you create your own story. We can help you improve your writing craft, but that's about the extent to which we really can help.

Okay I can try to work on my spelling and grammar. And about Justy being absolutely repulsed, well, I decided to make his personality different. He doesn't have a choice because, he's a celebrity, and his manager kind of forced him to love.

The nurse didn't ask how Anna felt because the nurse was being like.....a um...whats that word...*****. And, she didn't exactly care for how she felt.

Anna bought the VIP pass from her sister.

Does that explain most or all of your questions?

...well, i'll try to review this,

i saw the title and immediately thought you were a bieber fan .-. .

the writing isn't explained, you should touch up on that,
it sounds as if



(just in case that was meant to be a secret.)

But like Dragonite Ernston said, the random questions make the reader have to guess why that certain thing happened.

Why did everything turn black and she wake up in a hospital?
Was she trampled, or maybe she just fell down on her own? (it's possible)
Why did the nurse ask "What's your biggest dream?" ?

If I was a nurse and a patient just woke up I would ask how they are feeling or something medical-wise. Not a dream.

But I did think the resentment of having a girlfriend may have been realistic (after all, he does have gazillions of female fans wanting to marry him, he probably expects a screaming lunatic in a hospital. Doesn't sound to fun, does it now?). But maybe there was just a little too much anger, it seemed a little daunting and scary.

So it was a good concept, but just touch up on your writing and it could be alot better :)

--
And if you're looking for ideas, maybe the aftermath of having a non-famous girlfriend. The press trying to find out and how the change impacts the girl in the hospital, yadda yadda

And about Justy being absolutely repulsed, well, I decided to make his personality different. He doesn't have a choice because, he's a celebrity, and his manager kind of forced him to love.

The nurse didn't ask how Anna felt because the nurse was being like.....a um...whats that word...*****. And, she didn't exactly care for how she felt.

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As mentioned above, your fic could use more 'explanation' within the story - these sort of facts should be a part of the fic instead of being outside it. The reason for that is although the reason might be obvious to you the writer, it will not necessarily be obvious to the reader. This can make it seem that the story is not thought out well and/or has plotholes and so forth.

Another good reason to include the such is because it simply adds more to the story, and allows you to make it more interesting - you can include more details during such bits such as how the characters do what they do or what they are like themselves.

Anyway, I do agree with what has been said by other people so far. The nurse only asking about her 'dream' didn't strike me as realistic for instance, and Dragonite Ernston has two particularly valid points - one being to avoid working on too many stories at once, and for that matter don't try to post them all at once either - it can risk it seeming just plain odd from you for many, and you risk many being of lower quality than what they have the potential to achieve. Take the time to work on one, maybe two or three at the very most at once, and to proof-read and edit your story before posting. Use spell-and-grammar checks as well as a number of your mistakes are just simple spelling or grammatical errors which would be picked up by such a check, and although they are not that important they do have a significant impact - they can make the story look unprofessional and/or not as good as it could be, and it can also distract the reader from the story itself.

The other point mentioned is the one I also mentioned quickly when I close one of your threads - space out the story! Stuff is generally harder on the eyes on a computer screen as opposed to a book, so if you don't use any line spacing between each new paragraph or different speaker's dialogue, it can put off readers and just be generally irritating.

A few additional points:

[Anna Summer's POV]

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I suggest against this in general - instead try to aim to have it within the story itself, things like whose POV this story is coming from instead of bluntly announcing it. Sometimes it can work but I feel here it would be better if it was part of the story (e.g. someone greeting the person with 'Mr Beiber', etc).

"H-hi, I'm Anna summers," She said quietly.

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You didn't do this often at all (which is good seeing this is a common mistake many people make/have made I've noticed, including by yours truly =p) but note here as the part following the dialogue is one sentence with the dialogue as opposed to one sentence by itself (as it is talking about who said that and how), you should treat it as such and hence use a small 's' in She as 'she' is not a proper noun nor the beginning of a new sentence there.

"Hello," I said, my voice was faking to be happy

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,I laughed fakely.

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I smiled fakely still.

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Also note that sometimes your were too repetitive with your writing - three times here you used the term 'fakely' or similar variations - try alternative words instead for a couple of those.

I'm surprised the dumb dimwit didn't know. I sat next to her. She blushed. Why would this nitwit be blushing? I'm just a famous singer..
"H-hi, I'm Anna summers," she said quietly. Okay, now I was annoyed. Was there a problem with her voice, or was she just retarted? Why was she acting so shy and quiet around me?

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I disagree with Bieber's thought processes here as well - after all, thinking about it, he is a famous singer known to be hugely popular to young girls (teens and 'tweens' I guess) - it's hardly surprising that this girl is nervous and blushing over the fact that a celebrity that she has a crush on is talking to her, and I would think given the screaming mobs of fans bieber has (and given that, what I felt was a neat feature of your story is that Bieber actually had mob crushes at one of his (cancelled) concerts would make it pretty obvious to him why she's reacting that way. (Unless you're playing him as a rather thick sort of character here I guess?) Also, retarded over retarted.

"Well, I gotta go now. See ya Anna,"

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As an additional note, consider adding a comma before 'Anna' there as he is talking to her by name/nickname/insulting name/etc (e.g. 'Fetch the ball, dog' 'Hello, darling' 'I hate you, fiend!').

There's some potential if you edit at this, certainly - just needs some time and effort, and less focus on multiple stories and more focus on one or two at a time. Good luck with your stories at any rate.

Okay. Thanks for all the advice and stuff. It'll help me get better at my writings.

Shadow_Angel said:

The nurse didn't ask how Anna felt because the nurse was being like.....a um...whats that word...*****. And, she didn't exactly care for how she felt.

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Then why is she a nurse? Nurses have to care about their patients. It's what they do. If they don't care, then they're in the wrong occupation. They should at least really pretend to care about the basic well-being (that is, the physical needs) of their patients. That's what their training is in. If the nurse wants to help make patients' dreams come true, then that comes later after making sure the patient isn't in massive amounts of pain.

To continue this review of characterization, if you want to change Bieber's personality, you're going to need a real good explanation in the story. Now, I don't have Bieber fever, but I have seen him in interviews and on shows where he helps others. And the kid is a sweetheart. He's just a young boy who treats his fans kind. I seriously doubt he would use ablest words and insult his fans, even in his mind. If any of that slips out, it would ruin his career.

It'll also ruin his career to be seen with a girlfriend. Most of his marketability is from how adorable he is, and how easily his fans can picture him as theirs. (Take a look at how fans reacted to him being seen with Kim Kardashian or Selena Gomez.) Once Bieber gets a girlfriend, that ruins the illusion, and the fans won't like him just as much, buy as much of his merchandise as they used to. And he'll lose money.

There's going to need to be an explanation as to why Bieber changed his personality into a jerk and why he's planning on ruining his career. (There's also Anna's safety to think about. Bieber fans are mean.) In Real Person Fiction (RPF), you have to keep in mind how the people act. It's just like with any fanfiction. You have the canon to keep in mind while writing. If you're going to change something from how it is in canon, you need a real good explanation. Even Impo's guess would work, but you'd need to add that to the story. Otherwise, you're not writing about Bieber. You're writing about someone sharing Bieber's name but not acting like him.