[Pokémon] Flying on Paper Wings

Deleted for sanity reasons. What was I thinking

Hello, there! Well, I'll start off this review by pinpointing out some specific stuff in the story I think needs explanation/improvement on.

It was cold outside and I was standing outside facing a large metal door, not exactly he climax of my life.

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Already the beginning I feel the first sentence should be revised to make it flow better. I think you can take one of the 'outsides' out because we already know the narrator is outside.

"Tonya Winterly" I replied, confident, no less. And after checking his clipboard for confirmation he finally step aside to let me in.

"Ah welcome! You must be one of the new recruits, right?" A tall, tan man said from his position in the corner. He didn't look like he belonged, with his well groomed hair and dapper mustache. He wasn't even wearing a lab coat and instead chose to wear an outfit more accustomed to the field than in a lab.
"Well my name is Professor Mahogany, " he continued on, not even waiting for conformation, "and you are?"

"Tonya Winterly sir!" I replied.

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A bit confused. Why Professor Mahongany asked for Tonya's name again? Also, how come Tonya isn't annoyed by that? I would be annoyed if I was asked my name again and again.

"Now Leon, was it? It looks like you don't need a starter Pokémon. Am I correct."

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Bolded part I feel there should be a question mark because it sounds more like the professor is asking a question.

All right, a few things here. First off, I don't usually point out grammar mistakes because I'm not that great looking over them, but you made some silly mistakes like forgetting to put periods and such. For example:

"Yessir! I have my Swinub, Swinoo, here." I replied to his question

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Forgot a period there. I think if you proofread your work a couple more times, you would be able to catch some of the mistakes and fix them easily.

Also, you have some punctuation problems when it comes to dialogue. Where it's suppose to be a comma you put a period instead. An example:

"Why yes he is and you're late." the assistant snapped back, "well… go on in"

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The way you structured this sentence you mixed up where the comma and period are suppose to go. It's suppose to be- "Why yes he is and you're late," the assistant snapped back. "Well...go on in."

Quick dialogue lesson. If you're not going to end the speech with a question or exclamation and add something like "he said", the dialogue ends with a comma, like this:

"I love you," he said, mouth trembling.

Also notice after the dialogue I didn't capitalize the "h" in "he". "I love you," He said is wrong unless the "He" part is a proper name. I'm actually not that great explaining dialogue as it takes time getting used to doing it correctly in terms of punctuation, so someone else can explain it better than me.

One other problem I have here is the age limit to leave is sixteen. The Pokemon games usually have the children at age 10/11 leave home on their journey. Yes, I'm aware the new Black and White games have the children leave in their teens, but I still think there should be a good reason as to why the region in your story is doing that.

Overall, while I find it interesting you're doing this in first person POV and having two different characters telling their side of the story, the beginning didn't catch my interest right away. I guess it's because I'm not connected to the characters just yet and their personalities haven't really stand out for me at the moment. Also, from what the professor mentioned, looks like the plot is going to be just the run of the mill trainer fic. However, I won't mind if that's the case if you develop the two main characters nicely. I'm going to look out the next few chapters of this story and see how well you develop the characters and making the first person POV effective in that.

Is that a facetious icon with a Yahtzee hat? If so, I am amused.

I meant to review this last night, but didn't have time. On the plus side, it meant that Bay got to this first and pointed out the grammar, which means I can focus on other things.

Mainly, I'm wondering why you chose first-person narration if we're not getting any of the characters' thoughts. The best part of first-person narration is that we're seeing what they see, hearing what they hear, and we're right in their mind. What's here in your first chapter is very basic. Get into your characters' heads and see the world that they're seeing. What would they notice? How do they feel? Tonya's confident, but what does she do to show her confidence? Just keep her voice steady? Or does she think acting in a certain way will show confidence?

Like Bay said, the plot could remain simple, but the characters could be the main interest point for the readers. If the readers care about your characters, they'll want to see them doing anything. Take the time to develop these two characters, taking full advantage of first-person point-of-view.

So I am interested in seeing what future chapters will hold for these two. And even learning why the age limit increased for being a new trainer and what the Shocan region is like.

First off, welcome to the forum! *throws confetti* As luck would have it, you've joined during our newly founded "Review Challenge Month," so you should get plenty of feedback.

Now that that's out of the way, here's the first piece of uber-important advice for any newcomer: Slow down. Believe me, I know how it feels to be new to the place and eager to get a bunch of stuff up really quickly, but it's best to take your time. You can start by editing your first chapter for mistakes before you start writing the second one. It appears that Bay has already covered some of the grammar, so I'll just point out this one mistake that she didn't:

He finished as he picked up two of the Pokédexes and handed them to the girl and I.

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That should be "me," as something is being given to him. You wouldn't say "He handed it to I," right? It's the same thing here.

As for the story itself, I'm afraid what stuck out most to me is that I've read this basic kind of opening many times before, and the parts that were unique to this story mostly made me just raise an eyebrow. My biggest questions are about the fact that Professor Mahogany is sending four kids on a "mission" to become the league champion. Why only four? And why does he say mission? It doesn't sound like too consequential of a matter, so why does he stress its importance? Is this a trial run for the new league or something? If it is, why doesn't he say so outright? The whole situation just felt a little too contrived to me.

I haven't seen enough of the two main characters to judge them yet, but I will say that the overall quality of your fic will hinge largely on them. Again, take your time and make sure you have a clear vision of how their personalities work, how they play off of each other, and how their relationship changes over time. (You mentioned "possible romance" in your reason for stating PG16-18, which combined with their bad first impressions is a blaring red siren to me that these two are going to get somehow romantically involved later. I'm not saying you shouldn't do that, but if you're trying to keep your plans secret, I would get rid of the possible hints).

In a nutshell, take the time to revise this first chapter, and take your time with the second one, too. The split-first-person narrative is a good idea, and if you use it to good effect later on this could turn out pretty well.

Yes, more reviews pointing out my mistakes. I am way too happy about this.
Astinus, one major problem I'm having with this Fanfic you nailed on the head, First-person perspective. I am accustomed to writing in third-person, and it shows. The main reason I chose first-person is for better character development and a better view of how the characters think and really feel, if that makes sense. As I said before, I plan to answer most of the question later on. And as for others, keep on criticizing, critics.

Going to avoid a grammatical review, in part because you've already received one and in part because I'm intensely lazy. Just a few quick tips, however.

1. Your first paragraph ends without any ending punctuation mark.

2. Punctuating dialogue. Dialogue is a tricky little jerk to get a hang of, so I really don't blame you. Because I'd rather just jump into commenting on the content of the story, however, I'm just going to offer up a link to a guide that should help you: http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/writingexercises/qt/punctuation.htm

Just remember that a dialogue tag (or tag line) doesn't have to be "he said" or "she said." It can also be anything like "I replied" or "he continued." In short, it's anything that tells the reader who said something and how it was being said.

Overall, yeah, you'll want to proofread carefully. The fewer errors you have in terms of grammar/mechanics/whatever, the more your readers can focus on your story instead of the little trip-ups scattered throughout your chapter. If you need help, there's really no shame in finding a beta reader to look over your work after you proofread it yourself but before you post it to a forum.

That being said, let's check out the meat of the fic, shall we? A lot of this will be a bit on the stream-of-consciousness side, so if comments seem like they're coming out of the blue, sorry about that.

To start things off, it feels like you could draw out that wait a little bit more. It just seems like you have Tonya waiting for no apparent reason because the second the reader arrives at the scene to observe what's going on, the door opens. She even lampshades it a little by saying that the people inside the lab opened the door just as soon as she thought about it getting opened.

However, this would be a prime opportunity to let us get to know a bit about the character herself. I'm not talking about having her say, "I'm Tsukino Usagi, fourteen years old the main character, and I'm this many years old with this kind of hair color, et cetera." I'm saying more along the lines of, "I've been waiting here in the cold for God knows how long, and here's a bunch of other sentences that show just how impatient I am." Or something along those lines. Just, you know, anything that gives her a voice right off the bat, that makes her seem like she's just another person with pretty normal emotions.

In other words, I guess you can say that this is a wordier version of what Astinus was trying to point out. First person is a great perspective to use, but in doing so, you need to be prepared to delve into a character's mind and really bring out their thoughts and emotions. They're the ones telling the fic, so naturally, the story would be peppered with their observations and opinions, not just a straightforward account of what happened.

Speaking of first-person POV, the switching. On the one hand, I'm interested in seeing both characters give their version of how events went down and what to make of different characters. Moreover, I'd like to thank you profusely for not taking the newbie author route and putting anything like [LEON'S POV] smack in the middle of the fic. (I'm not sure if you were aware of this, but headers like that can get annoying very quickly because of how much they're like the literary equivalent of a brick wall at the end of a highway with no speed limit.)

On the other hand, you'll really need to make sure first person POV works for one character before trying to do a trade-off of POVs. As in, you'd need to make sure you're really drawing out the thoughts and emotions of one character before even trying to tell a story through switching POVs. The reason why is because if the only difference between either POV is just in what happens (as in, there's no difference in characters' voices and thoughts on what's happening around them), then there's really very little that a reader can use to tell one point of view apart from another. It all ends up being generic, which would in turn make the reader wonder why you didn't just use third person POV, you know?

However, I do have to give you the thumbs up for choosing a Pokémon most people would overlook as both kids' starters. There's something to be said for giving characters something besides the fandom's standards. For one, it means the reader isn't expecting every battle to be just a brawn-versus-brawn fight where characters' main strategies involve abusing type differences. Of course, this means that you'll need to remember to follow through and make sure your battles involving these Pokémon turn out interesting. On top of that, it also means that your characters aren't basically Ash Ketchum expies, and they'll probably need to take some time at the beginning of the fic to figure out how to use their Pokémon. (Because, well, neither Yanma nor Swinub are notorious powerhouses.) So, yeah, right off the bat, it shows you've got some creative potential going on, which can be a plus in your favor if played right.

Going to agree with Bay, though. Upping the minimum age limit tends to be a step in the opposite direction because so many authors do it for either no apparent reason (besides making the characters older for one reason or another) or for reasons that aren't exactly well-chosen in consideration of the canon (i.e., "because it doesn't make sense for ten-year-olds to wander around a region unsupervised"). Because of this, readers might give you a sideways glance about your fic until you give a really, really good (read: logical) reason for upping the minimum age. After all, in other regions, no one has much of a problem with kids wandering around the countryside alongside Pokémon. Additionally, this also means that trainers who travel from Kanto, Johto, what-have-you will probably run into problems competing, and newbie trainers from Shocan who travel to one of the canon regions will have their teeth kicked in by twelve-year-old veterans. It's just a bit too much of a rift, you know? This is especially awkward if the term "crossroads of all the regions" means more than just the fact that Pokémon from the canon regions live there.

(Side note about Unova: While the main characters themselves are older than any other player characters, there's no indication that the minimum age for a trainer's license is any higher than in any other region. In fact, if we also take a bit of anime canon, we can safely say that the minimum age is still ten thanks to Shooti.)

I'm not sure I understand why a professor is sending them out to collect gym badges and become champions, why they were selected to do it, and why they have to work together to get it done. While I know you're probably planning on answering all of this later, it just seems a little weird because there's not much in this kind of quest that would imply some kind of link to Pokémon research (unless you were playing with a bit of Pokémon Special canon by saying there was something special about the badges/position of champion). Remember that in canon, Pokémon professors tend to send characters out on missions to help further their research. That's why you get an empty Pokédex – because the regional professor expects you to fill it to help their research along. Red in Special was on the same quest, alongside many of the other 'dex holders until they got sidetracked by the plot. Alternatively, you've got HGSS-verse Elm, who sends the character out as a trainer to experiment with walking Pokémon. If there is no mission (like in the anime), then the professor basically serves as a distributor of Pokémon, and there's no real link between them and the badge quest.

The reason why I say this is because I'm finding it hard to imagine why a researcher would need to recruit two teenagers to go on a badge quest, especially two teenagers who weren't told what they should be observing and what kinds of things they should be reporting back to Professor Mahogany. Also, it's a little awkward because only one of them can complete the quest he just sent them on (because only one of them can become the champion).

But you did end on a rather hopeful note. Aside from the oddities and the uncertain logic of the mechanics of your world, your characters do have potential. It's interesting to see two characters forcibly paired up without being told prior to being assigned their mission that they would be and without meeting each other first. And, of course, Tonya's "I hate you" leaves me thinking that there's going to be hilarious shenanigans involving at least one character who may or may not go out of her way to make the other's life as unpleasant as possible. You've got two potentially conflicting personalities forced to be together to go on a journey, so I have to say that I've got high hopes for the character interactions throughout this fic.

So, that just means you'll want to be careful with the delivery. This means proofreading, naturally, but it also means being careful to work out some pretty good reasons for why things are the way they are. More specifically, because their mission is why they're thrown together, you'll want to make absolutely sure that part makes sense. Also, you'll want to make sure that the characters know and understand what they're supposed to be doing from the get-go because your character interaction will potentially hinge on the differences between how Tonya and Leon approach what they're supposed to do.

On top of that, as I've said, you'll really want to work hard at bringing out the voice of both characters. Let us get into their minds, and have their opinions come out as they're telling the story. These are two different people. Think of how two people in real life might tell the same story. It might help to liken it to the way you talk about people. Do you have someone you really hate? Imagine that you're telling a story about them to your best friend. Now, try to imagine that person telling someone else a story about you. Liken the way your characters speak to how people you know speak, and first-person point of view might come a little easier to you. Basically, it's all about trying to make your story seem like it's being told naturally, just in a regular conversation or something along those lines. That's all.

In short, yes. Your character interactions sound like they could have potential, but you'll really need to be careful with the execution.

I noticed a few grammar mistakes, which really took away from the reading of the story... but they're not always obvious, but some things like the placement of a comma that isn't technically grammatically incorrect but makes me think that things are too connected in a way. Also, this one:

and handed them to the girl and I.

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Handed them to the girl and me. It's not always obvious that the grammar is like this, but think about the isolation of the pronouns. "I" is the subject pronoun.

About their mission, I personally found it a little weird that they're being assigned a mission by the professors to go collect the badges and become the champion. It doesn't seem like the thing a professor would ask people to go out and do, if you ask me. That's more of a personal mission, something that the professors could suggest, but is ultimately up to the trainer to go and aim for. The professors usually ask for an errand or two and something of that sort.

Also, even though it's the first chapter, there's still room to have some depth or action. Right now, it's reading an awful lot like a summary, which means that you're leaving out all the little details of the scene that make a story so interesting in the first place.

Thirdly, the characters are being a little too straightforward with their goals and the actions to take them, just like Ash from the anime. It's as if they already know absolutely everything that they have to do, and are just going through it like somebody's giving them a tutorial or something.

They already have their "starter Pokémon" ready off the bat, whereas, in-universe, you wouldn't normally find that kind of terminology. This is a problem with a lot of fics - they use out-of-universe terminology in-universe, which makes it read awkwardly.

I absolutely love this!

I mean if this could've been made into a ROM hack it'd be even better, if you would let me when you complete this fan-fic I could make into a hack?

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One thing that could be confusing though is that changing point of view, but I still enjoyed it! :)

Well, it's here. I guess I kind of (read I did) lie about the schedule, seeing as how this took about a month and a half to write. Well I have nothing else to say so please comment and review.

Chapter Two…
First Strike

A partner? A partner! A PARTNER?!?! The application said nothing about a partner! The fury continued to barrage every other thought in my head, until all that was left was the fury and nothing else. Okay, I continued to myself, I need to vent this anger, holding this in cannot be healthy.

"One…Two…Three…Four…" I began, I just needed to close my eyes, count, and think happy, thoughts, then I would be calm. Then maybe, just maybe, this would all resolve itself. "Five…Six…" I continued. It seemed to be working, I still hate him, but I don't want him dead on the side of the highway right now. "Sev-"

"Uhmm, Tonya, what are you doing?" His voice erupted from the silence, assaulting my eardrums, shattering any sense of peace and serenity. I opened my eyes and proceeded to stared intensely at him, hoping he would get the point that I am not going to put up with him and his ideas, whatever they may be, about how I should change any of my ways to work in a team. I glanced in his direction to see that my attempts have been in vain. Rather than to look at me, I found him kneeled over, staring down at a large, multicolored piece of paper.

"Excuse me but what are you doing?" I snapped back, annoyed at his attention span.

"I'm marking my map of all the locations of the gyms," he replied, finally looking up to acknowledge my existence, "I think we should head North and cut through the Cantain mountains to Frosttho-" I was not letting anyone make any decisions for me.

"No we are heading South." I sternly informed him, cutting him off in mid-question.

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"But why South?" I asked, quickly jumping up to meet her at eye level. "There's only one gym, while there are three up North! And that one's all the way on the coast in Shady Cove."

"I live down South," Tonya informed me. "And does it really look like I'm dressed to head North?"

She had a point there, even I had to admit it. Her thin little jacket wouldn't stand the rigid cold of the mountains.

" Fine , I guess we can go south…" I replied, just ready to move past our first town. "Do we take the forest route?"

"We take the forest route."

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The forest was, well, there is not much I can say about a forest. There are some trees and some Pokémon. Yamnie was buzzing through the gaping holes in the branches, and Leon, well he was trying to catch a Pidgey.

"Cmon, stupid Pidgey, hold still!" He shouted, "Swinoo use another Powder Snow!" The Pidgey, as though mocking him, only moved just a single moment before the white flurry hit it.

"Gah, so close!" Leon shouted, at the miss of his attack. "Does this thing look weak enough to you, ah, screw it I'm throwing the Poké ball." He reached into his bag and pulled out a small red and white sphere the size of a softball, after clicking the button on its face plate to ready the Poké ball for capturing purposes, he readied his stance, drew back, and threw the ball, ending in a spectacular miss. The Poké ball flew right over the Pidgey's head into the dark of the forest and bounced, very audibly, off the trunk of a tree.

"Two…. Two…. Two hundred… Down the drain." Leon stuttered, defeat in his voice. "I even carved my own name into it."

"Well that sucks… Can we go now?" I asked, "I'm tired of watching you embarrass yourself."

"But I still wanna catch something here…" Leon replied, attempting to regain his composure.

"You want to stay here ad waste more money? No, no. no. and no, we are heading to town."

"Well there is one way to settle this."

"Are you suggesting we?"

"Yes I am, I, Leon Kimble, challenge you to a battle."

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The words felt right coming out of my mouth. It was only natural, as a trainer I should be comfortable challenging people.

"So how do you want to do this?" Tonya asked, walking her way across the open area to allow enough room for the battle to take place.

"Alright one Pokémon each, seeing as we only have one, first one to faint or becomes unable to battle loses, and seeing as how it's only a battle between us two, no prize money."

"Sounds good." Tonya remarked, finally reaching the other side of the field. "I just want you to know that I do not lose."

"Well this may just be another first for you then."

"Go Yamnie!"

"Lets do this Swinoo!"

I watched as Swinoo jumped from his place by my feet to a spot in front of me. Tonya's Yanma on the other hand took off from a nearby branch and began to buzz about the grassy arena. Watching it was quiet mesmerizing, so lazy, so free…

"Use Quick Attack Yamnie!' Tonya voice broke out, breaking me from my temporary trance. And at once the Dragonfly began to launch itself at my Swinub, still awaiting my command.

"Uhh….. Meh…. Ehh…. Dodge it?" The words fell heavily out my mouth, unable to from correctly on my tongue. The command was too late and I could only watch as my Swinoo was struck by the missile of a Yanma, landing a few feet away from his original position. "Try a Tackle!" I shouted, regaining my speaking ability. Swinoo lunged out, and fell hopelessly to the ground, unable to reach Yamnie, who was already several feet back in the air.

"Another Quick Attack!" Tonya shouted from her position across the field.

"Try to dodge again!" I shouted back, more aimed at Tonya than at Swinoo. The little pig rolled a couple feet to the left and the red blur of a Yanma smacked the ground, skidding and leaving a visible trail of damaged grass. I fixed my gaze and only then did I notice the man watching the battle, standing amid the shadows of the trees in the nearing dusk.

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"I'm sorry to say this, but you kids are absolutely horrible at battling." The man cowardly hiding himself in the shadows said.

"Well why don't you come out and say that to my face then!" I found myself shouting. Horrible?!? Just who does he think he is! Barging in on our battle and now making comments on our battling. The slowly stepped out of the shadows, revealing a single leg at first, then a glimpse of an orange jacket, followed by his thin face, made thinner by a large pile of untidy black hair. A rough stubble could be seen across his face, as if he hasn't shaved for a few days.

"Happy?" He sarcastically replied, fully in the light. "As I was saying your style of battle needs a lot more work, little girl , it lacks a flow, your attacks need to work perfectly together." He finished, putting extra emphasis on the little girl.

"Just who do you think you are?" I asked, even more infuriated by his comment. "Some big expert? Lord of all battles?"

"Well since you asked," He replied, still not dropping the sarcasm, "I happen to be a gym leader. So yes, I guess I do consider myself an expert. Now can you get back to your battle, I still want to watch you two. And remember, make your attacks flow.

Something, just something about him made me want to snap, I don't care if he is a gym leader or not. Focusing back on Leon, I noticed him staring admiringly at the irritation man of a gym leader.

"Hey idiot," I shouted at him, channeling all my anger. "battle's over here. Yamnie give that pig a Quick Attack, then tackle it until it's down!" My little Dragonfly took a sharp dive at the ground again, aimed strait for the little brown mess of fur. Leon snapped out of his trance and gave a surprised stare at the speed of the attack, unable to give a command. Yamnie hit, sending the Swinub flying. Yamnie slowed and began to fly at the tumbling mess of a Pokémon, striking it with his body multiple times. By the time the little furball met the ground he was already fainted. Even the perfectly executed attack couldn't calm me and I said the only words I could find fit to announce my victory.

"I told you I don't lose."