Pokemon: The Magic of a Melody (rated E10+)
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February 21st, 2011 (7:34 PM).
It's "I Come Anon"
I can hardly believe this; 21 chapters and no reviews? Quite a shame, as I've just read the first three chapters and I'm rather enjoying it.
When I read those prequels you had posted, I had been of the opinion that your Brock seemed like the anime Brock in name only, but now that I've read this much of the story proper, I can see enough of the little things that make them more similar. The same goes for Ash. Even though he's a mage now, which at first seemed like an odd match for me, his personality is recognizable and the juxtaposition doesn't feel awkward. I think you have a good balance between the original and borrowed aspects of your canon characters.
Another thing I want to praise is the familiar system. It's a very interesting way of handling an analogue to Pokeballs and the traditional trainer concept in this non-technological world. I'm also a sucker for anything resembling a music-based game interface. The fact that Lugia's summoning tune is longer and more complex than Pikachu's is also a nice touch. Speaking of Lugia, ordinarily I have a problem when characters spend too much time on dialogue that's almost entirely expository, but I think it works pretty well in this story because of how interesting your new world is.
As in the prequels, Brock's story is charming and amusing. I'm going to guess that there are more of them, and that's more than fine by me.
The writing seems fairly well polished, and I don't recall finding any grammatical errors, though I wasn't looking terribly hard and I might have missed some. There were a few things I found problematic content-wise, though:
judging from his age,
he appeared about eighteen to twenty years old, his earthen hair and tan skin the perfect complement to the dull red and gold tunic and white leggings he wore.
"judging from his age" doesn't make sense because you're supposed to be extrapolating his age based on his appearance, not something else based on his age. I would change the hyphen to the end of the previous sentence, and just start with "He appeared about..."
Finally, the Scyther flew off into the brush, chittering happily over its revenge it had gotten over the mage that lay bloodied and beaten on the path.
This is just my opinion, but it seems to me like Scyther left a little too easily. I'd think it would at least have taken the food, first.
The song was strong enough to banish Kione to the underworld, and when it concluded, his necklace shattered, scattering the beads to eight new locations should Kione try again to storm the Holy Realm.
This isn't a problem, but I couldn't help but think of Dragon Ball when I read this. xD
I'm impressed with what I've read so far, and I'll try to catch up with where you are right now in a few days. For future reference, I wouldn't update quite as quickly as you have for this fic. That might be a contributing factor to the lack of reviews because long fics-in-progress are less likely to get new reviewers, unfortunately. I know I don't usually start reviewing when the author is this late in the game, but your prequels compelled me to start and I'm glad I did.
Old, Janky Fics
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SWC 2016 2nd place
Back in the Day
SWC 2014 1st place
By What Right?
SWC 2013 1st place
Giovanni Destroys the World and Everything in It
Left by the Roadside
SWC 2011 1st place
A Matter of Stubbornness
There's Always Tomorrow
Family (kind of?):
Strange person who calls me strange names
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