[Pokémon] Pokemon Story 1 by miley810

Okay Hi everyone.If you saw my last story I stopped writing it cause I can not get connected to it,but this one I can't stop writting!Me and my friend are writing it sorta and shes signing up for PC right now she said,so I want her 2 be able 2 read it on here so hear it is.

Chapter 1:Meeting Bella

Miley was battling Barry when a dragonite landed next to her.

Miley:Hold the battle!
Barry:You have 10 seconds 2 resume!9 8 7 6....why arn't u resuming!
The dragonite handed her a letter.
Miley:Thanks.
She gave him a few poffins and opened the letter.

Dear Miley Swan,

You are invited!To a pokemon training event in Hearthrone city.It will be starting at 6am on Tusday the 16th in July and end at Sunday the 21st at 10:30pm.We would be honnered if you would come.

From,
The Hearthrome city pokemon club


Barry:What does it say?
Miley showed Barry the letter.
Barry:What about me?
Miley noticed a fold at the bottom and opened it.

This is a invite only event.

Barry made a fist with his right hand.

Miley:Sorry Barry,I'll catch you Monday!
Barry:What?
Miley: Don't you relize how far Sunshore city is from Hearthrome city?I have till 6am TOMMAROW 2 get there.
Barry:Wonder what u have done that I haven't that got u invited there.
Miley:Most of there events are for people that was born there.
Barry:We were BOTH born in twinleaf town!
Miley:But I've lived there sence I was 1 month old,so they treat me like I was born there.
Barry: Thats sooooo unfair!
Miley:How so?
Barry: I couldn't move there!I had no choice!
Miley:I didn't either,just luck I guess,bye Barry!
*Miley starts to run towards the cabin she was renting*
Barry:But what about the battle!
He yelled after her.
Miley yelled over her shoulder: We'll re-do it when I get back!
She ran to her room and packed all of her cloths,laptop,pokemon,all of her pokemon supplise,her pokemon,everything like that.She put what she could in her backpack and the rest in a big suit case.She locked her cabin door and rolled her backpack on the sidewalk and headed off towards Hearthrome city.

Barry:Miley!
Miley ran past him when he yelled that and she stopped.
Miley:What?
Barry:Your realy ganna go?
Miley:Why not?
Barry:Cause I can't go and were best friends!
Miley shrugged.
Miley: Best friends get split up some times.I got to go Barry I'll catch you later,I'll call you with the pokawatch!
She ran again.
About a hour later....
Miley:This trip is boring...I know!Go Mijimuru!
Mijimuru:Mij,mijimuru?
Miley:I'm lonly so I desided u'd come out a travel with me.
*2 hours later*
Miley:gosh this is...oh darn it!I could have just flown here!Profeccer oak told me 2 look afterShadow Lugia and train him!Go shadow lugia!
*a baby shadow lugia comes out its the size of 3 or 4 Pegiotos*Miley jumped on his back,returned Mijimuru,zipped up her back pack tight and strapped on her luggage.
Miley:Shadow Lugia,fly!To Hearthrome city!
*at 11pm they landed in Hearthrome city safe and sound*
Miley:Return Shadow Lugia!
She did everything quietly where nobody could be woken up.
Gaurd:Who's there?
Miley:Miley Karen Jewel,I was invited here for the pokemon event and have been traveling.
Gaurd:Hmmmmm....oh here you are,okay,go on in to town,it says here your staying at the new hotel.
Miley: Okay thanks.
Miley walked to the huge hotel and walked in.
A lady with long strait purple hair and scarlet eyes stood behind a counter with a girl with long strait brown hair.The purpe haired lady's name was Sharon and the brown haired lady's name was Michelle.

Michelle:Welcome to Hearthrome city's hotel!
Miley:Hello! *she didn't yell it she said it cheerfully*
Sharon: Do you have a reservation?
Miley:I'm not sure actualy,do the people for the pokemon club's event have reservations?
Michelle:A few of them do.
Sharon:Whats your name?I'll tell you if you do.
Miley:Miley Karen Jewel.
Michelle and Sharon looked it up on there computers.
Michelle and Sharon:Yes you do have a room preserved for you.Your in room 503.
Michelle handed Miley a room key,
Sharon:Shall I get someone to help you with your lugage?
Miley:If its not any trouble.
A voice came up from behind her.
???:I'll help her! *cheerfully said*
Miley turned around.A girl with raven in a white pony tail stood behind her.She had on a purple t-shirt with a Zoura picture on it,a pair of "Destroyed" blue jeans,and black and the same shade of purple and white sneekers.
???:Hi I'm Bella,and you are?
Miley:I'm Miley.Nice to meet you Bella,are you sure its no trouble to help me?
Bella:None at all,it gives me a chance to get to know you more.
Miley: Okay.
Bella:So are you new around here?
Miley:I lived here most my life,I was just away in Sunshore city.
Bella: Oh,well I should have figered beens I heard your going to the event.
Miley: Easdropping were you?
Bella:Yha,sorry.
Miley: Its no problem,I was joking with you anyways.
Bella:So what pokemon do you have?
Miley:With me?
Bella: Yha.
Miley: Mijimuru,Togepi,Shadow lugia,Chillarmy,Emonga,and Deerling.
Bella:Cool.
Miley:What about you?
Bella:Glaceon,Zoura,Shelgon,Gastrodon,Tepig,and lillipup
Miley:I have a lillipup in storage,and a Leafeon,
Bella:Sweet!Here's the elevator.
The two girls got into the elevator and hit the 9th button.
Bella:I'm staying in room 504,So we'll be neighbors in the hotel.
Miley:Cool!
Bella:How long have you been training?
Miley:Sence I was 10.
Bella:How old are you now?
Miley:15.
Bella:Realy?Me too!
Miley:Sweet!
*ding*
Bella:Were here!Let me show you to your room,its right next to mine,so I'd know where it is.
They walked down the hall for about a minuite and there was a sign that said:

Room 503

and below it hung a sign that said:

Reserved for Miley Karen Jewel.
Bella:This is it,and my room is right here.
Bella pointed to a room with a brass sign like on all the doors that said 504.
Miley:Well I guess I should get set up,see you in a few!
Miley used her key card and walked into her room.The walls were painted pearly white and the floors were dark stained hardwood floors.There were two queen sized beds with great matresses and sevral pillows on each,and a small nightstand with a drawer and doors that opened into a little thing like a cabnit.There was a tall wood dresser,a nice flat screen tv, a little wood table with padded soft black chairs,a nice window with a lovly view of the forest behind the hotel,a micorawave and a coffie maker (even thought miley didn't drink coffie).When she walked in the bathroom it was reasonably big,with a shower.bathtub,a nice big counter with a sink.It had white tiled floors,and the walls were the same.There was also a closet that was fair sized,and a small set of drawers in the main room.
She hung up her dresses,and put the t-shirts and shorts and stuff like that in the drawers.She put her backpack on the spare bed and turned on the tv and turned it to the weather to see what it would be like threw the event.She had all of her pokemon and pokemon supplise in her backpack.
She went next door and nocked on the door softly.Bella came to the door.
Bella: Hey Miley.
Miley:Hi Bella,wanna come over now for a few?
Bella:Just for a few,cause we need to go to bed soon.
Miley: Yes,of corse.
The two girls walked back to Miley's room.Miley opened the curtains which were light blue and had the black and white starter small sprite like images on them in black.She looked out for a second and reclosed them.


Here is what I have of the next chapter:

Chapter 2:The event day 1



The next morning Miley woke up at about 5am.She walked next-door to Bella's and nocked on the door.Bella in purple Pj pants,the same t-shirt,and purple fuzzy house slippers came to the door.Her blue eyes were a little droopy and her raven black hair was bed-head like showing Miley had either woke her up or she just woke up moments ago.

Miley: Oops sorry,did I wake you up?
Bella: Yha,good thing too,cause I needed to get up.
Miley: I was seeing if you were up,I'm ganna go get ready.When I get done wanna go down and get some breakfast?
Bella:Sure!
Miley: Okay I'm ganna go get ready.
Bella:Me two.
With that Bella closed the door as Miley walked back to her own room.She went to her bathroom where she had stored her hairbrush,tooth brush,tooth paste,mouth wash,stuff like that the night before.She brushed her hair very much then went to her closet.She layed out 3 dresses.
1 Was a light green gathered dress that fluffed out a bit at the bottom which went right below her nees.another was a lightish blue dress that went to her nees.The last dress was a light pink dress with red straps that went to her nees as well.She put the red and green dress back in the closet and got out a light blue headband with a mijimuru head thing on it,and a mijimuru pen/badge like thing,and light blue flip flops.She changed into the outfit in her bathroom.she straitened her hair and put on the headband.She looked for a second at her pink eyes that were at the edge of being hot pink.She duble checked that her pink highlights in her bright blonde hair were still noticable and then grabed her pink and purple back pack,made sure everything and everyone was in it,locked the door,and walked across the hall to Bella's room.
Miley nocked on the door.
Bella:Just a second!
The door handle turned and Bella stood there,with a purple dress that went to her nees.had a picture of a Zoura on it,a headband like Miley's but purple and with Zoura instide of Mijimuru and,and small pocket in the front around her thigh.Her hair was curled at the ends and her blue eyes were no longer droopy.
Bella:Let me grab my backpack and we can go.She walked across the room,picked up a black backpack with yet again a Zoura picture on it,the picture was surounded in dark purple.
Miley: Ready?
Bella: Yhep,you?
Miley:Yhep.
They both walked back to the elevator from the previous night,hit the button and the doors opened.They hit the lobby button and it started to go down.
Miley:So the event is at 6am huh?
Bella:Thats what my letter said.
Miley:That gives us *checks watch* 50 minutes to eat.
Bella:Yha,I like your outfit by the way.
Miley:Realy?Thanks!I like yours,you seem to realy like Zoura.
Bella:Yhep.
*ding*The elevator made it to the huge lobby.
They walked into the resturant room that went to the hotel.
Michelle and Sharon were in there working.
Michelle and Sharon:Good morning girls!
Miley and Bella:Morning!
Miley and Bella went to a person booth,took there backpacks off,put them under the table,and sat down.Michelle and Bella walked over to their booth.They both them a menu and sat down at the booth across the floor from them.Miley and Bella scanned the menu and desided on something to eat.
Miley and Bella:I'm ready to order.
Michelle stood up and walked over to there table (which was like 3 steps away).What will you girls have then?
Bella: You first Miley.
Miley:I would like the gravy and biskets,and a order of bacon and sasage,and a diet mountian dew.
Michelle:And you Miss bella?
Bella:I would like 1 5 pancake platter,and the 2 sides I would like 1 to be eggs and the other 2 be bacon,and a diet dr pepper.
Michelle:So 1 gravy and bisket 2 sides of bacon,1 side of sausage,1 diet mountain dew,1 5 pancake platter,1 side of eggs and a diet dr pepper?
Bella and Miley: Yes Mam.
Michelle: Okay it shouldn't take long.
Miley and Bella:Thank you!
About 5 minutes later....
Michelle and Sharon:Here you go!
The both of them were setting everything down on the table.
Michelle:What about your pokemon?
Miley:Six bowls of the new healthy pokemon food.
Bella:Same for me.
Michelle:Lets move you outside where there is more room.
They carried everything outside to a table,set out the bowls of pokemon food and let there pokemon go,.
Miley: Go Mijimuru,Togepi,Emonga,Shadow lugia,Deerling,and Chillarmy!
Bella: Go Glaceon,Zoura,Shelgon,Gastrodon,Tepig,and Lillipup!
All of the pokemon ran to a bowl and started to eat,and Bella and Miley ate as well.They all finished withen 15 minuties.
Miley:We have 20 minutes to get there.
Bella:Wanna go back to our rooms?
Miley:Sure,I forgot,I wanted to put Mijimuru in something I sowed for her a few days ago,lets go to my room.
They entered Miley's room,turned the tv on,turned it to the news the check the weather again,and miley went to the drawers and dug out a few things.
She held up a light blue dress with puffy sleaves and white lace at the bottom,then she put it on Mijimuru,got out a small bow,put it on Deerlings ear,and put a dark purple dress exactly like Mijimuru's but purple on Chillarmy.

Its far from done.Please tell me what you think!

I'll leave this open as script fics are allowed if there is more than just dialogue there like stage directions (which there are), however I advise putting some improvement into this to avoid that. For starters, space out your work so it is easy to read - line spacing between each line, spaces between the speaker's name and colon and what they say, and some formatting as well can make it look better as well. - e.g.:

Michelle and Sharon:Here you go!
The both of them were setting everything down on the table.
Michelle:What about your pokemon?
Miley:Six bowls of the new healthy pokemon food.

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becomes

Michelle and Sharon: Here you go!

The both of them were setting everything down on the table.

Michelle: What about your pokemon?

Miley: Six bowls of the new healthy pokemon food.

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That way it is readable instead of being a block of text - more here on that issue.

I'll also remove the 2nd chapter there due to this rule:

Do not post unfinished work.
If your chapter is not finished, then there is no need to post it. Use a word processing program to type your fic in so you can have all the time to work on it. An unfinished chapter/story will result in a closed thread.

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Post it in a new post when it is finished - don't rush it or anything and make sure it is done and proofread before posting.

On proofreading, make sure to read through your work and also use a spell/grammar checker before posting as there are some errors that went missed - taking a section at random for instance:

Miley nocked on the door.
Bella:Just a second!
The door handle turned and Bella stood there,with a purple dress that went to her nees.had a picture of a Zoura on it,a headband like Miley's but purple and with Zoura instide of Mijimuru and,and small pocket in the front around her thigh.Her hair was curled at the ends and her blue eyes were no longer droopy.
Bella:Let me grab my backpack and we can go.She walked across the room,picked up a black backpack with yet again a Zoura picture on it,the picture was surounded in dark purple.
Miley: Ready?
Bella: Yhep,you?
Miley:Yhep.

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Knocked instead of nocked, knees instead of nees, instead rather than instide and surrounded over surounded - spell check would have caught those. Also note that there is a lack of spacing between commas and full stops (there needs to be spacing - grammar rules and also easier to read), and sometimes sentences sound weird, as well as some line spacing issues. Taking the middle part for instance, it should look like this for instance:

The door handle turned and Bella stood there with a purple dress that went to her knees. The dress had a picture of a Zoura on it. Bella was also wearing a headband like Miley's, only purple and with Zoura instead of Mijimuru, and had a small pocket in the front of her clothes around her thigh. Her hair was curled at the ends and her blue eyes were no longer droopy.

Bella: Let me grab my backpack and we can go.

She walked across the room,picked up a black backpack with yet again a Zoura picture on it. Like the rest, the picture was surrounded in dark purple.

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However! Such description is not so necessary for scripts - this is more suited to stories which is something you might want to try instead (with '"Hello," said Steve' instead of 'Steve: Hello.'). I'll give two examples of how this reall should be, both as a script and as a normal story:

Bella opens the door and enters, before standing still. She is wearing a purple dress and looks alert and awake.
Bella: Let me grab my backpack and we can go.

Bella walks across the room and picks up a backpack.

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Here what people look like is far less important in a script - there's no need for the 'actors' to look so precise. You can maybe add in the whole purple theme but otherwise stick to important details like actions.

As for a story version:

The door handle turned and Bella stood there with a purple dress that went to her knees. The dress had a picture of a Zoura on it. Bella was also wearing a headband like Miley's, only purple and with Zoura instead of Mijimuru, and had a small pocket in the front of her clothes around her thigh. Her hair was curled at the ends and her blue eyes were no longer droopy.

"Let me grab my backpack and we can go," Bella said eagerly.

She walked across the room,picked up a black backpack with yet again a Zoura picture on it. Like the rest, the picture was surrounded in dark purple.

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This is the basics - essentially you are actually closer to this than a script due to how you wrote the directions. Up to you which way you go, but choose one of the latter two.

So as said, I'll keep this open, but try editing this first chapter of yours first so it is either a complete script (try 'The Gym' by Neko Godot to see an example of that on these forums or just look at say a Shakespeare) or make it into a story and drop the "Bob: Hello" in favour for normal dialogue before doing the same with your second chapter, please.

Okay well heres my reply to that.

Oops I did forget the spaces, and I'll start using the different kinds of letters.

Okay I'll start doing that to.

Sorry about the spelling errors,I couldn't remember how to spell knees

I would,but everytime I do that,everyone gets very, very confused.

Sorry I prefer to try to give everything detail,I want people to see what I see when I write stories.

Also sorry I didn't know about the whole unfinished chapter thing.When I finish that chapter I will put up the improved first chapter and the improved and new second chapter.And I have to use some one else's laptop,and I'm not allowed to save things on it,so I have to use email,and send it to myself.Did I at least remember to indent most of the time?And I didn't see you point this out,so I'm going to go ahead and say I'm sorry for the text talk.Thanks for letting me know whats wrong with this,and thanks for leaving it open.Did you at least like the story itself so far?

Sorry about the spelling errors,I couldn't remember how to spell knees

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That's why a spell and grammar checked like in Word or OpenOffice or online ones will help if you are unsure. For everything else, there's google!

I would,but everytime I do that,everyone gets very, very confused.

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Confused about what in particular...?

Sorry I prefer to try to give everything detail,I want people to see what I see when I write stories.

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Then a story format is probably the better option for you i.e. proper dialogue e.g "Hello," he said instead of the 'Bill: Quack' format as mentioned. (There's a bunch of stories to read here as well like that to see how to do it all properly - after all the vast majority of stories in the main section here are not scripts.)

Also sorry I didn't know about the whole unfinished chapter thing.When I finish that chapter I will put up the improved first chapter and the improved and new second chapter.And I have to use some one else's laptop,and I'm not allowed to save things on it,so I have to use email,and send it to myself.Did I at least remember to indent most of the time?And I didn't see you point this out,so I'm going to go ahead and say I'm sorry for the text talk.Thanks for letting me know whats wrong with this,and thanks for leaving it open.Did you at least like the story itself so far?

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Be sure to check the rules of a section before posting in it next time then, I advise, as stuff like that can be easily missed or may not seem obvious without reading it. At any rat I'll keep what is there on the 2nd chapter for now then - but I strongly suggest using a word processer then like Word or Openoffice (free to download) or even Wordpad (or say google docs which is free and allows for online storage of your work).

And the story is not a bad start in itself - it's just not too easy to read given the lack of spacing. Certainly the dialogue that is there is a decent start though - just needs some proofreading and editing - maybe consider a beta reader as well for someone to check your work after you have yourself and ran it through a spell/grammar checker so it'll be of a better quality before posting?

Again,I can not save stuff on here,and that stuff I have 2 save if I use that,but my email has a spell check,I'll start paying more attention to that!

People for some reason get confused on who said what, I don't know why, they just do!

The new one I'll try putting up in the normal way instide of the script,if you'll tell me if you can understand it.

You know,I used word pad,but it doesn't have a spell check for some reason!I usualy write EVERYTHING on wordpad!But now that I can't save stuff, I'm forced to use wordpad,sorry.

My beta writer I have one,sent it to her, but she forgot she's my beta writer,I need a new beta writer,can us send me a link to that thing everyone talks about where you can get a beta writer?

Ok thanks!Time to remind my beta writer shes my beta writer!

People for some reason get confused on who said what, I don't know why, they just do!

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Well some ways to make that clear is to start a new line every time someone different speaks, and add in who says what after the dialogue (but don't rely on that too much or otherwise it gets repetitive). For instance:

"I am the first speaker," said the unnamed man.

"My name is Joe!" replied another man. "I am still speaking so this is the same line!"

"...You people are crazy," said Sarah.

"Your point being?" the first man retorted.

"I agree!" Joe said as he nodded his agreement.

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Doing it like that will keep it clear.

You know,I used word pad,but it doesn't have a spell check for some reason!I usualy write EVERYTHING on wordpad!But now that I can't save stuff, I'm forced to use wordpad,sorry.

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Yeah, wordpad is pretty simple. At any rate, you can google online spell and grammar checkers (here's the first one that came up for me). And google docs as mentioned comes with a spell/grammar checker with it too, you just hav to sign up... and there's OpenOffice which is like Word, only free and also has its own.

My beta writer I have one,sent it to her, but she forgot she's my beta writer,I need a new beta writer,can us send me a link to that thing everyone talks about where you can get a beta writer?

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There is a link to the Beta Place in my signature, and it's a sticky thread in the Writer's Lounge section (so one of the top 3 threads there).

Oh okay thanks!

I'll just use my email spell check,it does it atomaticly.

Thanks!Time 2 get a new beta writer cause my beta writer that I got doesn't have much time -.- thanks bobandbill!

A few notes:

miley810 said:

Again,I can not save stuff on here,and that stuff I have 2 save if I use that,but my email has a spell check,I'll start paying more attention to that!

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Google Docs. It's an online word processor that allows you to save your work online without publishing it. You get all the usual tools (including word count), and you do not have to save to your computer.

People for some reason get confused on who said what, I don't know why, they just do!

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It's a good idea to ask them why they're getting confused so you can sort that problem out. As it stands, that's why most lines of dialogue come with tags (the part that says "he said" or "she said"). With that combined with proper paragraphing, there really shouldn't be any issue.

I need a new beta writer,can us send me a link to that thing everyone talks about where you can get a beta writer?

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It's in Writer's Lounge, which you can find at the top of the fanfiction forum. Just click on that and look for the word "beta."


Other than that, I'm going to try to be brief. You really have to get out of the habit of using chatspeak and shorthand for your work. Put it this way. How do you write papers for school? You want to be just as careful the way you would if you were writing a paper for class because the cleaner your writing, the easier it is for other people to read your work and enjoy it. Also, it makes it easier for a beta reader if they don't have to correct a lot of things, so you'll want to proofread your work and make it as perfect as you can get it before you send it to them. That means no chatspeak whatsoever. (For example, do not use u instead of "you" or 2 instead of "two," "to," or "too.")

Also, remember that not everyone going into your work will know who original characters (the ones you make up, not the ones in the games or whatnot) are. For that reason, you'll want to make sure you introduce them to us first. Instead of just having Miley battle, tell us a bit about Miley -- what she looks like, who she is, that sort of thing. For example, we don't know if Miley is just some trainer or if she's actually a really powerful Pokémon champion. That's really important to know for us to get a good idea of what this event is for.

Not going to talk much about the script formatting because bobandbill covered a bit of it, but I will say that if you paragraph properly and add proper tags, there really shouldn't be much of an issue concerning confusion. I mean, most published work isn't in script formatting, and no one has problems understanding who says what a lot of the time.

In fact, that's something I really recommend you do. I know I have earlier, but I'm just going to offer it up as a repeated word of advice. In order to write well, you've got to read a lot. I'm not saying read tons of books all at once. I'm saying read. Take a good look at what you're reading and how they do things. (And yes, I know you're reading something right now, but I'm just saying pay close attention to it and really take it in.)

A word of advice about Pokémon. While it's possible to get these in games, in fanfiction, you really want to avoid giving your character Pokémon unless you've got a good explanation as to why they have it. For example, Oshawott (see note below) is a starter in Unova. Why would a girl who's been in Sinnoh for pretty much her whole life have one? Moreover, shadow Lugia is an even harder one to explain. Only one ever existed, and it was in the hands of Michael from Pokémon XD. On top of that, the fact that it was a shadow was a bad thing because shadow Pokémon had their hearts sealed off by an evil organization -- meaning this one wouldn't exactly be friendly. Of course, there's also the fact that it's a baby, and outside of the anime, Lugia don't breed. So... it's just odd and out-of-nowhere that your character has these Pokémon, especially since there's a lot of Pokémon in Sinnoh she could use for the same purpose, like Buizel and Staraptor. Giving her these kinds of Pokémon will also help her avoid becoming a Mary Sue, just because it won't seem like you're doing things like giving her rare and legendary Pokémon just because they're cool.

(Yes, I know you mentioned that Professor Oak told her to look after Lugia, but... why would Professor Oak have one? I mean, it's unlikely that he'd want to create one, what with the whole "seal off the heart of the victim" thing, and on top of that, the only other one in existence belonged to a kid in Orre.)

Also, as a side note, don't mix original Japanese names with translated English ones. (For example, don't use the name Mijumaru if the rest of the fic contains names like Barry or even Tepig. Rather, you'll want to use its English name, Oshawott.) It looks messy, to put it bluntly.

On top of that, why no Sinnoh Pokémon? I mean, she's lived in Sinnoh most of her life. She's most likely trained in Sinnoh. Unova is far away from that region, as is Orre. Why is her team primarily Unova Pokémon? (Basically, yeah. That's the kind of thing I mean. Since she's a trainer, it's very likely that we're going to be seeing her Pokémon a lot, so it's a good idea to make sure your choices for her are ones that make sense, not ones that you chose because you think those Pokémon are cool. To be a bit clearer, let me use Miley as an example. There are no Unova Pokémon in Sinnoh. There just aren't. So, she shouldn't have been able to encounter any of the ones she found. As a result, the reader can't entirely understand why she has them, so it ends up looking like you chose them only because you like those particular Pokémon. If you don't give a reason as to why she has them, then you end up sending a bad message to the reader because it ends up looking like a lot of details in the fic will happen for no apparent reason. Does that make sense at all? I'm not quite sure how well I'm explaining it.)

Another reason why I say the above? Because of Bella's reaction. Miley casually says she has a shadow Lugia, but Bella only says, "Cool." At the risk of being overly blunt, Bella was just told that the girl she just met captured a corrupted form of a legendary Pokémon. Legendaries, in some cases, are seen as extremely powerful Pokémon, if not outright gods. Lugia itself has Pokédex entries that say its wings are so powerful a light fluttering can whip up a massive storm. So, it'd be a lot like saying as casually as possible that you actually hang out with Jesus and Buddha on a nightly basis. As in, in real life, not through prayer or anything.

Furthermore, remember to read over your work in general as carefully as possible. The letter says her name is Miley Swan, but she introduces herself to the guard as Miley Jewel.

As for the story itself, well, you just got started, so it's hard to say. I have to admit I was distracted by the grammatical errors and the smaller details, and although that sounds like I'm really focusing on things that don't matter, these are really things you'll want to polish up in order to send the right message to a reader. As I've said a moment ago, things like your Pokémon choices and what you choose to focus on (for example, how detailed the breakfast was) could tell a reader whether this is going to be a story that's put together well or one where things just sort of happen for no reason. Be careful with proofreading, and to make sure your fic has a solid foundation, be careful with your details.

Good luck with future chapters.

Yay one of my best critics is here,so is another one,both of the people so far are one.

Ooo okay thanks I'll check into that.

Very Very true.

That problem is now very helped I believe.

Okay yha sorry I noticed I did that after I posted,sorry!

Main Charecters: Miley,Bella,and Barry (Just so you know)Oh my gosh!I forgot to re-writer her discription when the computer deleted what I had!Here you go

Name: Miley
Hair color: Bright blonde hair with a little bit dark pink highlights
Eye color:Hot pink
Cloths:Change everyday
Skin:Tanned
Shes a pretty cheerful person,her catchfrase is "I live for danger".She was born in Twinleaf town but when she was 1 month old her family moved away from twinleaf town and moved to Hearthrome city.Her best friend is Barry but when she meets Bella she gets two best friends.She is a pretty good trainer but she has alot to learn.
Hoped that helped with that.

The event is just for loving pokemon trainers to go and have fun,like a fair almost,but no rides.They go to meet other trainers,learn some stuff,stuff like that,and its exclusive,only people who were born there or lived there almost all of their life.

Woops the lugia deal,it was suppost to be lugia I forgot I changed that,if you have seen the episode,lugia had a baby,well they got it,and asked Miley to take care of it.Mileys starter was Tertwig,she has visited the new region,shes been to them all.

About that part,I simply put the wrong puncuation mark.I'll have that better in my new version I promise.

Sorry about the Jap/english name mix up,I don't like the english names,but I'll deal with it and call it Oshawatt and Tepig,and stuff.

I'm sorry I changed her name but I thought I had changed it earlyer in the story...I will start proof reading it my self,I didn't want to use swan cause I recalled Bella Swan from twilight.

I have no idea what u mean by this last paragraf.

Thanks for the help!

Welp, most of what I could comment about the story has already been mentioned. With the exception of one thing.

Bella's room most likely wouldn't be the room right next to Miley's. Her room would probably be right across the hall from Miley's, as hotels tend to put odd-numbered rooms on one side of the hall, and even-numbered ones on the other. Nitpicky, but it stuck out to me.

And what's on the first four floors that they had to go to the ninth story to get to the rooms in the 500s?

And yeah, you'll want to pay attention to your details of your story. Essentially what Jax is saying (because I'm not trying to speak for her) is that if you focus on how the story is put together, then the reader will be more willing to read your story. Take, for example, Miley and her Lugia. If Miley just has a Lugia for no real reason, then the reader will be turned away from your fic because you as the writer didn't put work into the details. So it's almost as if you didn't care to make sure the world of your fic works, so the reader is left wondering.

Sorry about the Jap/english name mix up,I don't like the english names,but I'll deal with it and call it Oshawatt and Tepig,and stuff.

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I know how that is, but you can't really pick and choose which names you like from which country. If you mostly like the English names with the exception of one, then...well...deal with it and use the entire English terminology. Otherwise, research all the Japanese terms so the reader isn't once again thrown out of your story by a small detail. Because those small details can add up.

Also, "Jap"? Be careful with that, please.

Woops the lugia deal,it was suppost to be lugia I forgot I changed that,if you have seen the episode,lugia had a baby,well they got it,and asked Miley to take care of it.Mileys starter was Tertwig,she has visited the new region,shes been to them all.

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Main reason for picking out this quote is because...well... Remember what happened in those episodes with Silver, the baby Lugia? It got hunted down by Team Rocket to capture its parent because Silver was near humans. Neither the Lugia parent or its child were safe until the humans let them go back into the wild where they couldn't be found. So it really doesn't make sense that Miley would be asked (by whom?) to look after Silver. Because then someone will see that this kid is wandering around with a god, and there will be a few issues with that.

See, it's the details like that that make a difference in your story. Explaining more will confuse the reader less and allow them into your story's world. They don't have to stop and wonder why something is the way that it is. They won't ask why Miley has a bitty!god in her pocket because you as the writer took the time to explain why this was possible in the world. (Also note that Oliver, the child who had Silver in the episodes, wasn't really a trainer. He was more like Silver's friend.)

They also don't have to wonder about the hotel. See how the details make a difference to the reader?

All these details that you just told us outside of your story should be worked into your story. It's like telepathy. We don't have direct access into your mind, so you should do your best to use your words to share the image in your mind with us so we get close to the same thing.

As a note, don't describe your characters outside of the story like you just did with Miley. Since you like including description into your story, I'll say switch to the narration style and work the descriptions into the actual chapter. And since you feel as if readers will get confused as to who is talking, just add those fun dialogue tags as the others have shown you.

Take the time to also look up the proper spelling for the canon terms. Things like Pokemon names, the names of the cities, and things like that will also help clean up your story.

Let me explane the hotel better.

Yha I forgot about that, I'll put it across the hall in the new version okay?The hotel is more tall then wide and such so there are only so many rooms to a floor but if you think it would be better I'll say they hit the 4th floor button.The lugia thing I have planned out.During the chapter I am writing now Bella asks her how she got Lugia,and Miley will explain then.

I have trouble remembering how to spell Jappenese (see).

Okay you know what,forget Luiga,I'll change it to Pigeot or something cause ash rode on his once.Maybe a charizard or something.

One of my friends asked me which region this takes place in.At this part of the story its in Sinnoh,I think I got Sunshore city mixed up with a diffrent on cause I'm playing SS and Platnium at the same time I appolagize I'll change that too!

Sorry.I'm going to go through and "clean up" My story,get my friends to look through it and FINALY get my beta writer.

miley810 said:

The hotel is more tall then wide and such so there are only so many rooms to a floor but if you think it would be better I'll say they hit the 4th floor button.

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The rooms would be in the 400s then. Basically, how a building normally numbers their floors depends on what floor they're on. For example, if you're on the third floor, there will only be rooms numbered from 300 to 399. On the second floor, rooms will be numbered from 200 to 299. This is so people who visit that building know which floor their room is on. If room 503 was on the fourth floor, they'd never think about hitting the button for that floor because the room number starts with a five. Get what I'm saying?

Okay you know what,forget Luiga,I'll change it to Pigeot or something cause ash rode on his once.Maybe a charizard or something.

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Any Pokémon that can use Fly is also a good candidate, and there's a number of them in Sinnoh. Staraptor, Drifblim, and Chatot, for examples that are Sinnoh Pokémon. Pelipper and Crobat for examples that aren't Sinnoh Pokémon. You could even change Togepi into a Togekiss and have that be Miley's mode of transportation. Or you could give her a Honchkrow. Or you could check out this list and figure out which Pokémon she would have captured on her journeys.

Point is, don't give your characters a Pokémon if you can't explain within the story how they got it. Charizard would be a difficult Pokémon to explain because it's a Kanto starter; as she's a trainer in Sinnoh, she probably wouldn't have been given one. Pidgeot might easily be explained by "she went to Kanto," but you'd have to mention that she's trotted the world as a trainer within the story. Also, it's a way of saying there's a lot of different and pretty cool alternatives you could consider if you're hard-pressed to think of a Pokémon that could fly Miley places.

Consider them on the 5th floor then! :D

Again she has been to all of the regains,she uses mostly the ones from Jhoto,Sinnoh,and Unova.I know in the tv shows that doesn't usually work,but come on if Ash can bring Pikachu to every regain and Chariard to all the reigns,then Miley can do the same thing!And the reason I want to use a big pokemon,is cause you don't want to see a tiny little pokemon like Starmy caring a like 48 or more pound girl for like 80 miles do you?I mean when you think about it they would probley crash cause Starmy wouldn't be able to do it!

I'll mention in the story that she has been okay?I don't mean that being rude!And Miley has a few "signature" pokemon such as Oshawott and Togepi I can't imagine her without having,by that I mean weither in storage or not.

Thanks for viewing and I hope you continue viewing!

miley810 said:

Again she has been to all of the regains,she uses mostly the ones from Jhoto,Sinnoh,and Unova.

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My point is you'll want to explain this within the story itself. Like, mention as you introduce Miley that she's a trainer who's already been to every other region. It's like what Asty said not too long ago. Your readers aren't psychic, so they're not going to know right off the bat anything about characters you make up yourself (like Miley). So, it's part of the whole storytelling thing to tell the reader this. You also don't want to tell them in review replies or whatnot because not everyone is going to read the review replies. Not to mention the replies you write to me aren't going to prevent a reader from becoming confused about why she has Unova Pokémon when she's from Sinnoh while they read through the first post.

I'm not sure if I'm making this all clear enough, but basically, imagine that you're looking at a picture of a squiggle. If I'm not there to tell you that it's supposed to be a picture of a river outside my house, it will probably still just be a squiggle to you. It's the same thing with storytelling. You want to include all the important details in the chapter so the reader can figure things out themselves. You don't want to give them a picture of a squiggle (or a chapter where not all of the details we'd need to know right away -- like the fact that Miley is a trainer who's traveled the world -- are there) and then tell us what we should know about it because that's not going to help us in the first five minutes we stand looking at the picture of a squiggle.

but come on if Ash can bring Pikachu to every regain and Chariard to all the reigns,then Miley can do the same thing!

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She could if you mention within the story that she's been to other regions. Charizard would still be a bit iffy because Ash just got lucky when he found Charmander. Otherwise, you just can't find those things in the wild.

And the reason I want to use a big pokemon,is cause you don't want to see a tiny little pokemon like Starmy caring a like 48 or more pound girl for like 80 miles do you?

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Staraptor is a three-foot-tall bird that weighs about the same. :/ In fact, Pidgeot is only a little bit bigger. (Roughly a foot.) On top of that, some of the other suggestions I've offered (namely Drifblim) have been known to carry people within the 'dex anyway, so... yeah.

But if we really want to get ridiculous, here's a picture of Bill (height: over five feet; weight: well over 100 pounds, I assure you) on a Farfetch'd. Point is, with enough creativity, you can pretty much make anything happen. Don't close your mind to other possibilities. Sometimes, you can come up with pretty interesting solutions, and hey, if canon does it...

I mean when you think about it they would probley crash cause Starmy wouldn't be able to do it!

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Starmie, true, especially given the fact that it really doesn't learn any techniques that help it to fly and carry people at the same time. Staraptor and others, however, do (in the form of the move Fly), so it just takes a bit of thought to figure out how they might pull that off.

When I get the first chapter done I'll edit the first post and take out the second with the new version,and the new version will have discriptions and everything,sorry its taking a while for the new part I'm going through and making sure I put "" marks and everything.

No worries about Charizard she used Pigioto.And I took out any legendarys I origanly had her have period.(when I first imagianed the story she had Jarachi,Mew,Shadow Lugia,but I knew that wouldn't work so I left Shadow lugia,who was suppost to be lugia,but I took him out too).

Oh sorry I was thinking of the wrong pokemon!Okay I'm still thinking about weither I'm changing pigioto to something else before I post it or not but I'm defenaty choosing soon.I hate leaving my readers waiting out of fear they'll just leave the story.

Yha I was confusing Starapter with Starmie.Sorry,yha I'm pretty sure its not going be pigeoto.

Exactly how big is Togikiss suppost to be?

miley810 said:

Exactly how big is Togikiss suppost to be?

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4'11", weighing 83lbs.

There are several websites listed in the Writing Resources thread that you can use to find out this information. You can go through a look at all the Pokemon, seeh all the information on them, and then see how they'll fit in your story.

I hate leaving my readers waiting out of fear they'll just leave the story.

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If your story is interesting enough, your readers will read your updates no matter how long you take. They'll just be happy to see your characters return and to see what happens to them. If it makes you feel better, I still have people waiting for updates to my story that hasn't been posted in almost two years. (Or, for a more extreme example, fans of a published author waited twenty-three years for a sequel to a particular book.)

If someone's a fan, they'll wait and come back whenever you're ready to update.

Well I'd use Togekiss but I want her to have a Togepi,I'll think about the flying pokemon that are big enough in my opinion.


Wow realy?Okay thanks!Chapter 2 and the normal version of the story is on its way!

Okay everyone I've got this re-posted because I've re-written it, i've changed Bella's name to Violet, it says why in the paragrah before the story begains. Anyways it looks a whole lot better, its not in script form, and its much more disriptive. Here's the link. http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=256054

So... I'll close this one then since you rewrote it and have a new thread.