[Pokémon] The Great Dane

Deleted...Please see the rewrite below.

Ok, so I guess this was to dry of a read, or maybe his past was to dark. I'll try something else later.

Lamebot said:

Ok, so I guess this was to dry of a read, or maybe his past was to dark. I'll try something else later.

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Nooooo! It has really great potential. Don't say that! These parts have a problem with no one commenting, so don't take it too harshly if no one comments. It's not your fault. I was writing a review just while you posted this.
Anyway, on to the review:

Your title is pretty great I have to say. I haven't seen a punny title in quite a while. It's also imaginative, and even though you're new here it feels like you're not new to writing in any sense, so your fic doesn't need much polishing in the grammar and syntax department, so that's always refreshing. I also quite liked the backstory to your protagonist as an abused vagrant boy. We don't see nearly enough non-standard beginnings like this, so that's commendable.

On the other hand, a lot of events in your story seem too very convenient. They seem like they're there to forcibly and ungracefully move the plot forward, and I think this is quite harmful to your story because you've started off with this really interesting premise but over the course of the story it degrades into something more hackneyed, which I can't say I care too much about. To elaborate: I don't like how you kind of waste the fact that Dane has a non-standard past by conveniently setting up his journey for him a la kindness of strangers.

This is especially notable because you had a perfectly great crapsack world before this. For one there was the child abuse, the wife-killing, and the getting-off-scott-free-for-murder thing you had going on. I thought that was interesting. At the same time, you've got Dane skulking about near the stall with intent (just intent!) to steal and suddenly the Bulbasaur "senses" his malicious intent and pounces on him like pre-emptively attacking thieves is something it normally does – like this city is so poor that thievery must be dealt with before it happens! Also the vendor has a crowbar under his stall. Could be used for crates, yes, but it also could imply that the vendor needed a weapon for regular self-defence.

And on from there, a lot of the things that happen just seem boringly convenient and your crapsack world becomes much softer and kinder. The police officer taking him in, forgiving him, getting him new clothes, pointing him in the direction of an orphanage, setting him on a Pokémon journey. Eh… it just kind of turns boring after this point because it's just so… normal. I mean, a simple test would be to get rid of his past and see if it alters the flow of the rest of your fic. It doesn't right? His abusive past plays absolutely no role in his present and future, so it feels like a waste to put it in. Use your good ideas. Don't waste them.

Anyway, that's all for me. I look forward to seeing what you can do. Feel free to correct me on anything, or ask me about anything you're not sure about!

Miz en Scène said:

Nooooo! It has really great potential. Don't say that! These parts have a problem with no one commenting, so don't take it too harshly if no one comments. It's not your fault. I was writing a review just while you posted this.
Anyway, on to the review:

Your title is pretty great I have to say. I haven't seen a punny title in quite a while. It's also imaginative, and even though you're new here it feels like you're not new to writing in any sense, so your fic doesn't need much polishing in the grammar and syntax department, so that's always refreshing. I also quite liked the backstory to your protagonist as an abused vagrant boy. We don't see nearly enough non-standard beginnings like this, so that's commendable.

On the other hand, a lot of events in your story seem too very convenient. They seem like they're there to forcibly and ungracefully move the plot forward, and I think this is quite harmful to your story because you've started off with this really interesting premise but over the course of the story it degrades into something more hackneyed, which I can't say I care too much about. To elaborate: I don't like how you kind of waste the fact that Dane has a non-standard past by conveniently setting up his journey for him a la kindness of strangers.

This is especially notable because you had a perfectly great crapsack world before this. For one there was the child abuse, the wife-killing, and the getting-off-scott-free-for-murder thing you had going on. I thought that was interesting. At the same time, you've got Dane skulking about near the stall with intent (just intent!) to steal and suddenly the Bulbasaur "senses" his malicious intent and pounces on him like pre-emptively attacking thieves is something it normally does – like this city is so poor that thievery must be dealt with before it happens! Also the vendor has a crowbar under his stall. Could be used for crates, yes, but it also could imply that the vendor needed a weapon for regular self-defence.

And on from there, a lot of the things that happen just seem boringly convenient and your crapsack world becomes much softer and kinder. The police officer taking him in, forgiving him, getting him new clothes, pointing him in the direction of an orphanage, setting him on a Pokémon journey. Eh… it just kind of turns boring after this point because it's just so… normal. I mean, a simple test would be to get rid of his past and see if it alters the flow of the rest of your fic. It doesn't right? His abusive past plays absolutely no role in his present and future, so it feels like a waste to put it in. Use your good ideas. Don't waste them.

Anyway, that's all for me. I look forward to seeing what you can do. Feel free to correct me on anything, or ask me about anything you're not sure about!

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Well, more backstory, I guess, is required to understand the crapsack world vs the 'moment of warmth and belonging' he stumbles upon. He's a wanderer, traveling from town to town similarly to the way that Pokemon Trainers already do. The difference is that he's constantly stealing what he needs to survive and running from the law rather than completing objectives and collecting badges. The whole course of events depicted here was designed to be completely wrapped in happenstance and luck. Besides, with the hand that Dane has been dealt, isn't nice to see him finally catch a few breaks?

As for the items in the story that "seem very convenient", I actually forced them on purpose. If you watched the first 30 or so episodes of the animated series you would see a lot of these sorts of incidents that were necessary to move the plot forward and did little else. For instance, Ash getting Charmander, Bulbasaur, and Squirtle within 10 episodes, Ash's Caterpi evolving into Butterfree in less than 3 episodes. The way that he just ran into Officer Jenny, Misty, and Brock, or how Brock's father just walked back into his family's life so Brock could leave his Gym, etc. The beginnings of the Animated story was simply filled with this sort of choppy forced content.

I've been practicing writing in other people's styles and writing original stories with characters I did not create to see where my limitations as a fiction/sci-fi writer are. I wanted to see if I could write an origin story about Pokemon that mirrored the first season. Even the way I wrote the dialogue here was intended to mirror Ash, Officer Jenny, and other characters from the Anime. It was actually pretty hard for me to piece the story together this way since I, for years, have practiced and practiced writing with the end goal of having perfect details, flowing detailed sentences, and deep plots driving the character development.

I guess I succeeded in my attempts, though. :P

As for it altering the story line in the future if I took the abusive past out of the paragraphs...how is that? All I've shown is one act of forgiveness in his life. I know that it is more likely he'd mistrust the police, that he'd not accept the help of Mr. Totino, and that he'd probably have resisted arrest...But that seems just as cliche to me as what I did write.

But I've only shown you less than 24 hours of the story I've played out in my head. Its the first episode of twenty years of content...so to speak. There are plenty of ways his origin story could resurface to keep making his life hell. The idea of the redemption story comes from some real life experiences of a friend of mine, who is a felon, and has had a real time of it doing well since the end of his incarceration more than 20 years ago. If I choose to continue this story I will, over time, interject my own writing style and the end product will be very different than the origin story I wrote here.

In any case, thanks for the kind words and encouragement. They did go a long way. :D

Lamebot said:

Well, more backstory, I guess, is required to understand the crapsack world vs the 'moment of warmth and belonging' he stumbles upon. He's a wanderer, traveling from town to town similarly to the way that Pokemon Trainers already do. The difference is that he's constantly stealing what he needs to survive and running from the law rather than completing objectives and collecting badges.

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It would be nice for these sorts of details to be known to the reader through the story rather than it being told to them directly by the author. I gathered from the writing that he was poor and homeless and had been for quite a while, but nothing in there told me (at least not clearly) that he was a traveller.

The whole course of events depicted here was designed to be completely wrapped in happenstance and luck. Besides, with the hand that Dane has been dealt, isn't nice to see him finally catch a few breaks?

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This was actually quite a good question. Dane seems to go through equal parts bad and good luck, so why don't I think his story is particularly interesting?

For the most part, I think that really it has to do with it not actually being that satisfying for the reader to have a character tossed about by the whims of the universe like that. Dane suffers through no fault of his own, and he receives good fortune, again, through no effort of his own. This is worrying because it takes away agency from the main character in a setting which seems to emphasise positive morals (like when he refuses to steal the Pokémon), and morality is almost always intrinsically linked to this idea of agency. This is because why would anything be morally good or bad if we have no control over it – if it just is?

Stories with conflict almost always involve human agency in some way or another. If not, they're just not that exciting because none of our characters have any control over their lives and so nothing they do really matters.

As for the items in the story that "seem very convenient", I actually forced them on purpose. If you watched the first 30 or so episodes of the animated series you would see a lot of these sorts of incidents that were necessary to move the plot forward and did little else. For instance, Ash getting Charmander, Bulbasaur, and Squirtle within 10 episodes, Ash's Caterpi evolving into Butterfree in less than 3 episodes. The way that he just ran into Officer Jenny, Misty, and Brock, or how Brock's father just walked back into his family's life so Brock could leave his Gym, etc. The beginnings of the Animated story was simply filled with this sort of choppy forced content.

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Hmm… If you say so. I don't think the anime is particularly the best style to be emulating though. Why I write fanfiction is because I want to write stories that the anime can't or will not cover in a style that they cannot do due to the constraints of the medium (or the constraints of their marketing departments).

As for it altering the story line in the future if I took the abusive past out of the paragraphs...how is that? All I've shown is one act of forgiveness in his life. I know that it is more likely he'd mistrust the police, that he'd not accept the help of Mr. Totino, and that he'd probably have resisted arrest...But that seems just as cliche to me as what I did write.

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I mean… clichés aren't necessarily uninteresting. If you want to pick a cliché to write, why not at least make it true to his character right?

But I've only shown you less than 24 hours of the story I've played out in my head. Its the first episode of twenty years of content...so to speak. There are plenty of ways his origin story could resurface to keep making his life hell.

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Definitely. All I'm saying is that since his past seems to be integral to his character then his character should also reflect his past in a more visible manner. The first chapter really doesn't show it that much.

Miz en Scène said:

For the most part, I think that really it has to do with it not actually being that satisfying for the reader to have a character tossed about by the whims of the universe like that. Dane suffers through no fault of his own, and he receives good fortune, again, through no effort of his own. This is worrying because it takes away agency from the main character in a setting which seems to emphasise positive morals (like when he refuses to steal the Pokémon), and morality is almost always intrinsically linked to this idea of agency. This is because why would anything be morally good or bad if we have no control over it – if it just is?

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I see your point here and I will admit it is one that I did not consciously consider. However, What I was trying to illustrate was that at the time of this chapter he was, for the most part, at the mercy of the universe. This chapter was intended to illustrate where he came from and the one act of kindness that would lead to him assuming control of his life and destiny, in the next chapter or two, rather than just floating around in the wind. I intentionally ended the chapter with him having gained the means and courage to take the reins, but not actually having attempted taking control as of yet. I'm still trying to decide where to place him in the timeline...IE before Red and Blue? Between Red and Ash??? After Ash??? I'm not sure yet, but I am thinking that he will meet with Oak by my third installment.

Miz en Scène said:

I don't think the anime is particularly the best style to be emulating though.

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I actually agree with you. I guess I was overthinking my approach in trying to appeal to the community here by writing in what I thought would be a familiar story telling mode. I never thought that the Anime was particularly well written or put together. In retrospect I feel that I may have made a poor choice in trying to write in that style.

OK, so I re-wrote the whole thing according to my discussion above with Miz En Scene. Hope you guys enjoy!

The Great Dane

A fourteen year old male crept along a dingy alley wall. Merely yards ahead of him was the Town Market, and directly in front of him was a vendor making and selling souvlaki. He could smell the grilled meats and vegetables on the grill. The boy named Dane salivated from the smell just out of sight of the portly man wrapping his completed merchandise in tin foil to keep it warm. Dane wiped a grimy hand on a torn a tattered red shirt that was just as filthy as the rest of him. He'd just wandered to this quiet little town from Pewter City and he was very, very hungry.

The vendor whistled merrily as he worked tapping his foot to the rhythm and bouncing along to his own tune. But Dane's thoughts were effectively only about how to ruin this man's day. The boy had a dingy plastic orange back pack on his back that, like his black and blue shoes, was loosely held together by nylon cord and duct tape. From this beat up old child's back pack, complete with a faded picture of a Growlithe on it, he drew a rusty old crowbar. As he prepared to spring into his attack, his grip around the blunt tool tightened, bursting with nervous energy, and sweat beads appeared upon his grease-covered brow.

His stomach growled viciously, and it twisted in severe hunger pangs…It had been four days since he'd had a meal that was worth anything. He felt the fabric of his two-sizes-to-small-pants tighten around his knees as his muscles tensed, and with a quick few hyper ventilated breaths to shake off the nervousness, he was off. For being a starving wanderer, Dane's little lunge was quite impressive and he racked the side of the vendor's head with the crow bar like a baseball hall of famer. The Vendor fell to the floor dazed, and not able to comprehend what had just happened to him. Dane swiped his arm across the Vendor's table, knocking as much food, and other various items, as he could into his back pack.

The boy also saw a small black plastic bag from a nearby store hanging from one of the legs of the steel table and he snatched it as well. With that he leapt over the Vendor's stand and into the dusty street of the small town and Dane took off like a Zubat out of Mt Moon just as the Vendor started to stumble back to his feet. The boy could hear several shouts for the Police come from behind him, but he didn't look back. He just slipped down an alleyway and disappeared into the sewer system.

The sewer gave off an unwholesome effluvia from the morose decay within it. But Dane simply covered his nose with his grungy shirt and thought, It's better than handcuffs. After walking for about a half an hour he found himself out of the sewers and on the outskirts of the small town. He found a large boulder basking in the sun and he leaned up against it as he slid to the ground. His joints ached from malnutrition and his stomach writhed in hunger pangs.

He tore into his back pack, ripping tin foil off of the now lukewarm food and devouring as much of it as his shrunken stomach would allow. As he finished his meal, his attention turned to his back pack. He set aside the few tin foil wrapped pieces of souvlaki and looked to see what few other random things he had managed to score. Mostly it was little trinkets like wooden food skewers, thin cotton cord, short lengths of tin foil, and a half-full Nalgene water bottle, but he also found a seven inch santoku knife.

He chugged the water bottle, and tossed it back into his bag empty. As he packed everything back into his pack he was reminded of the black mystery bag. He grabbed the bag hoping there was something that he could sell. Maybe he could buy a new pair of pants, or a good meal and a hot shower. Maybe I can feel normal for a few short moments. He thought. Inside the black plastic bag was a box wrapped in glittery pink and purple paper with a large yellow bow that was now smashed and battered. On it was a My Little Pony tag that read, "For my future Pokémon Trainer! Happy birthday Ashley!"

I guess this is the closest I'll ever come to having a birthday celebration of my own. Wasn't my birthday two weeks ago? Well, better late than never, I guess. He rationalized to himself as he tore through the packaging. But as he saw the unopened, still-wrapped-in-cellophane-box that lay under the paper he paused from shock. He had expected a stupid plush toy or an action figure or something girly like a make-up set, but it was a four pack of brand new Pokeballs.
A huge toothy smile seemed to rip his face in two as he ripped open the box to verify his fortune. I'll be able to buy a whole new set of clothes, a new back pack, and a full meal and shower! He thought with excitement. His face started to hurt from the exaggerated smile, but he was so happy that he had to physically push the smile to a frown with his fingers to relieve the burning sensation. It had been a long, long time since he'd smiled at all.

He slouched a little more against the rock, juggling a couple of the balls. As he juggled them, he accidentally pressed the button on one on them and it shrunk to the size of a golf ball. Dane lost his concentration and the other two balls, still the size of soft balls, fell clumsily from his hands and smacked him in the face, leaving him with a black eye and a bloody lip.

"Damnit all to Hell!" He exclaimed. But his frustration subsided quickly and was replaced with curiosity.

He picked up the now shrunken ball to examine it. After looking at it for a moment he pressed the button again and it expanded to its larger size again. He looked in the box again and found a white card that said in large red print on one size, "A User's Manual to the Improved Pokeball by Tome!" He flipped the card over to read the back.


Dane looked at the balls again. He was unexpectedly reminded of a memory that had been long repressed in his mind. It was of his mother and something she had said, "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and will feed himself for life." It was a common saying, he knew. But it had stuck with him throughout his life ever since he ran away. Tears came to his eyes as he remembered the painful memories. He should have been there; he should have been home instead of skateboarding with his friends. He could have done something to stop his father from beating his mother to death.

It was still beyond him how his dead beat father had managed to call it self-defense and had completely gotten away with the murder. All of New Bark knew he was guilty. This only made it worse in Dane's mind. But the incident told him that his father would never change. He was a violent drunk, and would have killed Dane if the boy had stayed. He made the tough choice to run away, and to never ever turn into his father, no matter the cost.

He wiped the tears from his face and pushed the memories away. It was true he would never become his father. But he had become something just as bad. A homeless street rat stealing to survive and wanted by no one but the Law. It was clear to him now what the fates had in mind. His Mother's adage had never seemed so pertinent to him than right now. But insecure doubt still played at his mind. Is there a way that I can use these Pokeballs to better my situation? I know literally nothing about Pokémon, how could I become a trainer? But then he remembered, 3 presses to catch a Pokémon. Is it really that simple? It might have taken him four years to catch a break, but he would finally do right by his mother's memory.

On the left side of the road there was a thicket. He'd heard trainers in the town saying that it was teeming with Pokémon. He put everything of his away, except for a single Pokeball, and he charged the thicket with tenacity unlike he had ever shown before. The grass in some places was as high as his chin and offered him excellent cover as he low crawled through it. It wasn't long before he came to a clearing and, as promised by the other trainers, there were three Pokémon. One was a green sort of worm, one looked like a purple rat, and the last was a bird with a short beak.

With one click he expanded the poke ball, and another three clicks of the button before he sent it soaring. It landed right in the middle of the three Pokémon and did nothing but startle and scatter them. Perplexed, he stood and went to pick up the ball. He again took to his low crawl and came across Pokémon several more times. He tried his luck at tossing the ball, rolling the ball, pretending the Pokeball was a basketball, and many different poses and what not to get the ball to work.

As he came upon a male Nidoran, and being particularly frustrated at this point, he pitched a perfect curve ball directly at the Pokémon's face. Bullseye! The ball activated and in a burst of red light sucked the Pokémon inside. So you have to actually hit the Pokemon with it!But the ball burst open and that same flash of red light shot the enraged Nidoran back out. The ball flew through the air and landed back in Dane's hand. The Nidoran charged Dane with his horn and the boy was barely able to jump out of the way.

The Nidoran skid to a halt and turned to charge Dane again. Dane clicked the button three quick times and launched it like he pitched a fast ball in Little League Baseball at the charging Pokémon, again, bashing it in the head and inducing the same flash of red light to suck the Pokémon in. But he wasn't taking any chances this time and Dane drew the crowbar. The Nidoran didn't escape as quickly this time, but it still flew from the Pokeball in the same brilliant crimson display and it leapt horn first at Dane. Dane cracked it squarely on the Pokémon's side with the crowbar.

But this was barely enough damage to deflect the Nidoran away from him. The Nidoran landed in a skid as Dane barely managed to compose himself enough to catch the returning Pokeball. Dane turned to face the Nidoran with his crowbar again, but it wasn't charging. Dane noticed that it was favoring its front left leg.

"Time to give into the Pokeball." Dane said and he pitched the ball at the weakened Nidoran. The same flash of light engulfed Nidoran. The ball containing the Nidoran fell to the floor and the button glowed red. The ball wiggled once as the Pokémon attempted to escape. It wiggled again, but the ball held tight. Then it wiggled a third and last time and the red light disappeared. An audible click signified that the Pokémon was captured.

Dane leapt into the air with excitement. He ran like a maniac to collect his new Pokemon. But then he looked at the ball. What now? He asked himself.

"Are you Mad!" He heard a girl yell. He turned and a pretty blonde with a horrified expression on her ran up to him. "How dare you hit an innocent Pokemon with a freaking crowbar!"

"Um…it attacked me?!?!" Dane answered sheepishly.

"And that justifies anything!!!! And do you no know how to take a shower? Disgusting!!!!" She screamed at him.

"Which question do you want me to answer first?" Dane replied. Another male trainer ran up to him.

"Dude, that was intense. Are you ok?" He asked.

"Why would you ask this nitwit if he's ok? What about that poor Nidoran?" The girl screamed with exasperation.

"I thought it was clear that the Nidoran attacked him. Isn't he allowed to defend himself?" the male trainer replied.

"What's a Nidoran?" Dane asked, innocently. Both of the other trainers looked at him in disbelief.

"A Nidoran is the Pokémon you just captured. It's obvious it was hurt, why haven't you used a potion on it yet?" The male trainer asked.

"Potion, what???" Dane replied. The male trainer was obviously annoyed at this point.

"You mean you don't have a single potion on you? That's irresponsible!" the girl yelled, "What kind of a Pokémon Trainer are you!?!?" She yelled.

"Um, well, uh, I guess I'm not one just yet. You see, I just bought some pokeballs and decided to just give it a try…I guess." Dane answered.

"You mean you have no training or knowledge in Pokémon what so ever?" the male asked.

"Uh, no." Dane replied. The girl opened her mouth to yell again, but the male covered it.

"Jersey, I can't listen to you yelling anymore. Let me handle this." He said. Jersey, the girl, crossed her arms in a cute little pout and looked away. "Look kid, you can't just go busting around like this. There are rules and things you need to consider. What you just did is completely against the rules of Pokémon training. You need to use Pokémon to weaken the Pokémon you want to capture. Here, Take these."

The male trainer handed him a bag of fruit and a blue spray bottle.

"You need to take that Pokémon to a Pokecenter and have it healed. Cerulean city is the closest one, but that will take you all night to get there. Give it some Razzberries and spray some potion on its wounds. That will get it feeling better before you get there. While you are there, you can find all sorts of information on Pokémon Training and how to properly care for them. Also, look up Professor Gary Oak and contact him. He's the region's Pokémon Professor, and he can help you get off to a better start than where you are currently at. Now go, Get to that Pokecenter as quick as you can. And for goodness sake, take a shower while you are there."

Jersey and the other trainer left Dane there. He clicked the ball twice and gave it a half-hearted toss. The Nidoran exploded forward in that mysterious red light. The poor thing tried to stand, but almost immediately collapsed. He sprayed the potion on Nidoran as instructed and he forced three berries into its mouth. The Pokémon spit them out, however.

"Come on Nidoran. You need to eat something to keep your strength up. He picked up the small creature. It was at that moment that he realized this creature was essentially his pet. This creature was his sole companion in life now, and Dane's attachment and sense of responsibility was instantly solidified.

"Please Nidoran, eat the berries, I don't want to lose you. Not so soon." A tear fell from his eye and hit Nidoran's horn. The Nidoran looked at this new owner and slowly nodded. Dane smiled as he handed the Nidoran a few more Razzberries. After the Nidoran was finished eating Dane returned it to its Pokeball and began running towards Cerulean City.

Haha, yes, it's way more engaging now that Dane's the one actually moving the plot forward!

That said, I'm going to move away from plot now because I don't feel like talking about that right this moment, and I think most of my qualms to do with that have been covered by the recent rewrite. I might touch on it again when something more pressing shows up, but for now it seems alright.

Despite that though, I still do have a few nitpicks.

One is to do with the crowbar. I dunno what crowbars you've been hit with recently, but bashing someone in the head with a crowbar definitely does not just "daze" them. It's uhh… slightly more forgivable with the Nidoran (since they're sort of used to stuff like that from battling), but at the same time it does still feel jarring at a glance because, y'know, it's a crowbar. If Half-Life has taught me anything, crowbars should be classified a WMD at this point.

Another issue is Dane's character. Specifically the fact that he sort of jumps between selfishness and empathy at the flip of a coin. You kind of did have that problem in the previous version, but it's more obvious now that he's a head-bashing Pokémon smasher. Again, I think maybe you underestimate what bashing someone's head in with a crowbar does because it's actually quite a serious thing to do. Because of that, Dane just leaving the guy after attacking him seems really inhumane. That's not particularly a problem, but just a moment after he's crying over being a thief, so clearly he's not a complete monster. So that's a really jarring moment there. Same thing with the Nidorina. There's a moment near the end where he realises that the Nidorina is his responsibility. This right after bashing it in the side with a crowbar. There's not much of a buildup to this point, so it feels somewhat forced. Consider exploring more of his emotions beyond a throwaway line.

Anyway, I think I'm going to stop there. I'm glad to see you took some of my pointers above to heart. I don't really know where this is going yet, but with a little polishing this could be quite an interesting fic.

Miz en Scène said:

Haha, yes, it's way more engaging now that Dane's the one actually moving the plot forward!

That said, I'm going to move away from plot now because I don't feel like talking about that right this moment, and I think most of my qualms to do with that have been covered by the recent rewrite. I might touch on it again when something more pressing shows up, but for now it seems alright.

Despite that though, I still do have a few nitpicks.

One is to do with the crowbar. I dunno what crowbars you've been hit with recently, but bashing someone in the head with a crowbar definitely does not just "daze" them. It's uhh… slightly more forgivable with the Nidoran (since they're sort of used to stuff like that from battling), but at the same time it does still feel jarring at a glance because, y'know, it's a crowbar. If Half-Life has taught me anything, crowbars should be classified a WMD at this point.

Another issue is Dane's character. Specifically the fact that he sort of jumps between selfishness and empathy at the flip of a coin. You kind of did have that problem in the previous version, but it's more obvious now that he's a head-bashing Pokémon smasher. Again, I think maybe you underestimate what bashing someone's head in with a crowbar does because it's actually quite a serious thing to do. Because of that, Dane just leaving the guy after attacking him seems really inhumane. That's not particularly a problem, but just a moment after he's crying over being a thief, so clearly he's not a complete monster. So that's a really jarring moment there. Same thing with the Nidorina. There's a moment near the end where he realises that the Nidorina is his responsibility. This right after bashing it in the side with a crowbar. There's not much of a buildup to this point, so it feels somewhat forced. Consider exploring more of his emotions beyond a throwaway line.

Anyway, I think I'm going to stop there. I'm glad to see you took some of my pointers above to heart. I don't really know where this is going yet, but with a little polishing this could be quite an interesting fic.

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OK, I get it with the crowbar. As I write this I've always imagined it as one of those short crowbars you might throw into a bug out bag or side of the road emergency kit. Still formidable, but much harder to gain real momentum with as opposed to the full sized ones. Admittedly I did not really go into this little fact that would have made a lot of difference, and as the crowbar will continue to make appearances I'll try to make this more clear, and I may go back and edit the re-write.

The point of it simply dazing him is not lost on me either. To not give away to much of the future story, wait for Dane's later encounter with Ashley. The same point with Nidoran, though a more forgiving target, still not lost on me. Wait till they get to the Pokecenter.

I get your point with the lack of build up between Dane realizing his responsibility, and him going back and forth between a hardened criminal and softy. I have something in mind, but I don't want to get to much into it for the story. ***Cough Spoilers, Cough Cough*** Just keep in mind that not everyone in the real world has all their nuts screwed on tight, I'm a huge lover of the anti-hero concept, and I'm definitely not trying to recreate Ash Ketchum anymore. I'm even considering distorting some of the beloved characters we do know, so in the immortal words of SLJ, "Hold on to your Butts!"

But as for where its going. Its currently going to the Cerulean City Pokemon Center. After that, your guess is as good as mine.

So I decided to check this out. I only skimmed the first version before reading the rewrite, but I agree the rewrite is much better. The first version I agree things became too convenient for Dane while in the rewrite he's not getting things away that easy, so kudos for that. The proper use of crowbar aside, Dane attacking the Nidoran is an interesting twist there.

One thing I want to point out is the part about Dane's abusive past. I feel you either could have it revealed slowly or in a flashbacks/few flashbacks. I know you have him reflecting a bit on his past, but the way you have it was a bit of an info dump there. I also agree Dane suddenly aware his responsibility for the Nidoran was a bit too quick, but you mentioned you have something in mind so I guess I'll wait and leave it at that.

So far you do have an interesting premise already, so I'm looking forward to more!

I've rewritten this next excerpt several times and am relatively happy with it. I did deviate from my original plans several times, but I think it works well. I hope you guys enjoy it, let em know what you think!

Dane found the Pokecenter at around ten until midnight. Running the entire way, he'd covered the near eleven mile journey in just less than four hours. He collapsed at the steps of the massive white and red building. He was breathing so heavy his mouth almost resembled the smokestacks from a toxic waste plant in the cold night air. His skin and bones shivered as the air's cold chill licked at his sweat. He tilted his head to look at the clock that hung above the door.

"All….night…..my….sweet…..ass." He panted to himself with a crooked smile. But his smile faded when he realized that his skin started to go numb and there was a blackness edging in on his eyes "I guess….we showed…. them, …huh Nidoran."He said slowly catching his breath. He tried to stand but his legs gave out beneath him and he crashed hard on the steps, slamming his head hard on the concrete. But he couldn't give up. He drug himself on his belly, shaking his head to stay awake, until he made it through the door. He looked briefly around the room and noted several trainers, several Chansey, and Nurse Joy was behind the desk.

"Help, please help!!!!" he yelled holding up the Pokeball that contained his Nidoran. Nurse Joy took action immediately, jumping over the counter and rushing over to him. She knelt down next to him taking the Pokeball.

"What happened? Are you all right?" She asked. Dane mustered up the best voice of suffering he had.

"I found it…like this…" He gasped, still legitimately out of breath, "On the side…of the road. Please…help…my Nidoran." Nurse Joy nodded and called for a stretcher. Two Chansey ran over and Nurse Joy released the Nidoran onto the stretcher.

"Take the little guy to Operating room C, Stat!" She said with more confidence than could have been loaded on the Queen Anne.

"Chansey!" Came the in-unison reply and the two Chansey were off.

"Thank you." Dane muttered under his breath, his arm still extended deliriously to hand off the Pokeball. This is it. He thought and his head and arm fell to the floor as he slipped ungracefully from consciousness. The last thing he saw was Nurse Joy placing a hand over her mouth in terror. Yup, ha ha, this is it.


Several hours later he awoke, sitting upright in one of the bright red and white booths that lined the window overlooking Cerulean City's Ketchum Avenue. It was still early and dark outside. Aside from the occasional feral Meowth or Rattata, it was as empty as a freshly dug grave. He looked at the inside of the Pokémon Center. The common area was a large, tiled, white room with Nurse Joy's receptionist desk in the center of it all, facing the front door. It was very clean and well kept up, but it was a visibly older building. There were several Pokémon trainers sleeping in the red and white booths and tables.

The walls were decorated with pictures of Pokémon from the Pokedex with their descriptions and stats written in. He moved to stand up, but something pulled on his arm. He was hooked up to an IV of a clear liquid. The noise of the suddenly jerked IV stand woke the sleeping Nurse Joy at the receptionist's desk and when she saw that Dane was now awake she walked over to him. She leaned in close to him and yawned unceremoniously in his face while checking his heart rate with a stethoscope.

"Ahh, you are finally starting to get back to a normal heart rate. Another half- bag of Saline should do the trick. Dehydration is not a fun thing to have, and you had it bad!" She said smiling and yawning again. Dane blinked as she stood back up and told a nearby Chansey to retrieve another bag of 'Standard Pokémon Saline'.

"Pokémon Saline?" Dane asked, "You do realize I am not a Pokémon, right?"

"Yes, I do realize that!" Joy laughed in response, "You see, different Pokémon have different PH requirements. Many of them have the same or very similar PH requirements to humans. The 'standard' Saline works as well for people as it does for Normal types, Fighting types, Fairy types, and some water, electric, and mammal-based grass types." She giggled.

"Oh…I…I see." Dane said groggily still waking up. But his mind suddenly leapt into perfect consciousness as he remembered why he was in the Pokémon Center.

"Where's my Nidoran!" he exclaimed loudly. Several of the sleeping Pokémon trainers stirred visibly.

"We've done all we can for your Nidoran." She said with a long yawn quickly following. "It's resting now."

"Is it ok?" Dane asked with a very solemn expression. His eyes started to water.

"Nidoran's right leg was broken and two of his ribs were fractured. But we have them set properly. Even with regular potion applications, though, it will be at least a week before he is in fighting shape again." Dane leaned in and wrapped Nurse Joy in a huge hug.

"Thank you!" He exclaimed. His stomach rumbled loudly.

"Aaaah, you're welcome." She said, pushing the youth off of her. He left a grimy face print on the stomach of her apron. The Chansey had returned with the new Saline bag and Nurse Joy began to change it for Dane. "You look hungry. The kitchen is closed for the next four hours, but I can whip you up a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich."

"I'd love that! But I can get it myself." Dane said with a smile. He started to stand up but Nurse Joy pushed him back down into his seat.

"You need to relax and we can't have that needle breaking off in your skin. Don't worry, you can get the sandwiches next time." She replied with a friendly hand gesture. "Alright, I'll be right back!" she said joyfully and with another yawn she began to leave.

"Nurse Joy." Dane stopped her in her tracks, "Thank you for everything you are doing, but tell me why you are being so kind to me? No one has ever cared for me like this before."

"You mean, not even your parents? What about friends or family?" Nurse Joy looked really saddened by the idea.

"I don't have anyone at all in my life. Not at all." He said looking down at the table as if trying to hide tears. In truth, he just didn't want her to see how badly it really affected him. Surprisingly, though, he found himself not trying to lie or manipulate the situation.

"That's so sad." Nurse Joy replied. She sniffled a little. "Well, to answer your question, I see many trainers come through here. As a Nurse at the Pokémon Center, it is my duty to take care of the Trainer's Pokémon, but new Pokémon League Regulations dictate that I also I am tasked with taking care of the basic needs of the Trainers as well." She looked at this clothes and his back pack, not noticing them for the first time. "No offense, but you seem to be having more of a time of it when compared to most other trainers I see come through here." Dane looked out the window again. "I'll be right back." Nurse Joy Said. She returned a few minutes later with a plate of sandwiches.

"Thanks again." Dane replied sheepishly. It felt wrong to him, the kindness she showed him. He almost had to force himself to take a sandwich and he looked away to hide his shame-filled eyes. Nurse Joy sat down at the table with Dane slowly nibbling through the first sandwich and his stomach loudly begging him to eat faster. But she was hoping to find out more about this strange trainer.

She knew that he was too old to just be starting out like everyone else who starts training at 10 years old, but he only had one low level Pokémon and that did not add up either.
"So, where did find that Nidoran again?" She asked gently, breaking the silence.
"I found it on the side of the road like that." He lied, "I happened to have a Pokeball and I captured it to bring it here." He continued to will himself to slowly eat the sandwich.

"Is that the only Pokémon you have?" She asked him. He paused for a moment.

"Yes, that Nidoran is my only Pokémon. What difference does that make?" A slight irritation made it through his voice.

"Well, I was just wondering if you really are a trainer, or just a Good Samaritan. It seems odd to me that you would have Pokeballs on you if you weren't a trainer." Nurse Joy replied again.

"Who says I am not a trainer?" Dane dodged.

"You have no Pokémon." Came the inquiry.

"I have Nidoran." Dane dodged again.

"But he is your first Pokémon. Usually a trainer's first Pokémon is given to them by the Pokémon Professor of the region. You didn't go through that process, so how are you a trainer?" She asked. Dane sighed visibly.

"I really do not want to talk about my past, Nurse Joy. I get that you want to help me and all, and believe me I am very grateful. But everything about me up until this point really just sucks and brings up a lot of very painful memories that I just don't have the capacity to deal with right now. Can we just move past this part of the conversation?" Dane asked.

Nurse Joy blinked at blinked with surprise at first, but she nodded in agreement in the end. She gently placed her hand on Dane's wrist.

"Whatever it is that happened to you, Dane, I am sure that you will work through it. Stay here for the week while Nidoran gets better and I can teach you how to properly care for him. I can also teach you about all of the support groups that exist for struggling trainers. First let's get you a tour of the Pokémon Center, here. Granted we are one of the larger Centers, but in one capacity or another, all Pokémon Centers offer the same services." Nurse Joy said. She looked at his saline bag and it was almost empty.

"Come on," She said, "I know just where to start the tour!"

"Great!" Dane said excitedly. Nurse Joy undid Dane's IV and carted him straight to the shower room.

"Go get a shower and I will show you around afterwards. There is a locker room, second door to the left, where you can store your back pack and personal effects." Joy said happily.

"Uh…OK." Dane said. Nurse Joy handed him a towel, and a white robe. After storing his things in the locker room as instructed, Dane went into the Men's Shower room. Like the rest of the Pokémon Center, it was clean white tile with red trim in the form of shower curtains. He stepped into one of the shower stalls and hung his robe and towel just outside of the red curtain. It was just then that he noticed that the robe said 'Property of Cerulean Pokémon Center' on the right shoulder in red lettering.

The warm water felt amazing against his back and the grimy oily filth washed away from him for the first time in at least two years. He noticed a visible change in his skin color just from a warm water rinse. To his right he found a brand new bar of soap still in the box. The plain white box read, 'Courtesy of the Pokémon Center of Cerulean City' in bold red lettering. He opened in and used it to wash himself. After a half an hour or so, he emerged from the shower clean, barefoot, and wrapped in the itchy cheap robe that was provided by the Center.
Nurse Joy stood waiting for him. It was almost creepy. He noticed she was wearing a new apron.

"Did you enjoy your shower?" she asked. Dane nodded.

"Probably more than I should have." He replied. She looked him up and down, though. She noted that there were several sores, on places like his neck, the insides of his arms, etc, that were remnant from his lack of hygiene.

"OK then." She said, off to…" Nurse Joy began, but the front doors swung open violently and another trainere stood in the common area yelling for help. Nurse Joy and Chansey broke away from Dane immediately and ran to see what the problem was. Dane smiled crookedly and he ran down a corridor that lead away from the common area. Eventually he stumbled upon a large store room in the back. A clipboard hung on the door and it contained a list of former Trainer's names and they were all associated with itemized receipts of items and Pokémon that they relinquished for various reasons.

"Jackpot" he said. "I should be able to find some useful stuff in here." He swung the door open and found a room full of empty pokeballs, back packs, sleeping bags, clothing, etc just piled on the floor. Dane searched through the items. First, he found a nice Forrest Green Kelty hiking back pack to replace his cheapie kids pack. After that he selected a bedroll, a sleeping bag, a Pup tent, some first aide stuff, a multi-tool, a tactical flash light, an old Army Mess Kit, a set of yo-yo fishing reels with tackle, and a pair of well used coyote-colored suede combat boots. He also packed a few pokeballs in the pack.

Then a purple bag in the corner of the room caught his eye. He looked through the pack and found a small supply of potions, antidotes, burn heals, paralyze heals, and other Pokémon first aide supplies and some cans of Pokémon Chow. He shoved the whole purple bag into his new pack. Lastly, he looked though the clothing that was found in the room. He found two pairs of OD Green 5.11 trousers that, while somewhat worn, still fit him very well. A pair of black v-neck shirts made their way into his possession, as well as a really nice belt and a brown leather jacket.

He searched the pockets of the jacket and he found something hard in the pocket. He pulled it out. It was a red electronic device that had the word 'Pokedex" engraved in the cover. He flipped it over, and to his horror it had the words, "Ash K." scrawled in permanent marker. He shook off the sudden feeling of dread and he ran out of the room in his new clothes and with his new pack and he ran to the recovery area, which was a very large wall just covered by Pokeballs, each with a sticker that noted the Trainer's name and the Pokémon within the ball.

With the Chansey and Nurse Joy still distracted by the emergency, he was able to find Nidoran's Pokeball on the wall without interruption. And he stuffed it into his pocket. After that he ran back to the locker room and grabbed his old bag. Quickly, he tore through it and took what items he felt he needed; The Santoku Knife, the Crowbar, his duct-tape and cordage, and his three remaining Pokeballs. The rest he left spilled out onto the floor. He took one look at this old clothes and pack. Never again. He thought as he walked away.

Nurse Joy and the Chansey were still distracted by the new trainer and Dane slipped out of the Pokémon Center and started to leave Cerulean City.

"Thanks for the kindness, Nurse Joy. But I am not worthy of your time." He whispered to himself as he walked down the dark, cold city street, not looking back.

"Oh…I…I see." Dane said groggily still waking up. But his mind suddenly leapt into perfect consciousness as he remembered why he was in the Pokémon Center.

"Where's my Nidoran!" he exclaimed loudly. Several of the sleeping Pokémon trainers stirred visibly.

"We've done all we can for your Nidoran." She said with a long yawn quickly following. "It's resting now."

Click to expand...

So I noticed this mistake several times. On occassion, you get the dialogue punctuation right ( the dialogue with the "he exclaimed" part in it). Many others, like the bolded parts, you got wrong. Usually when a dialogue is followed by a dialogue tag (he said, she yelled, etc) the dialogue ends in a comma not period and pronouns don't get capitalized. So bolded parts should be like this

-"Oh…I…I see," Dane said groggily still waking up."

-"We've done all we can for your Nidoran," she said with a long yawn quickly following, "It's resting now."

"Thanks again." Dane replied sheepishly. It felt wrong to him, the kindness she showed him. He almost had to force himself to take a sandwich and he looked away to hide his shame-filled eyes. Nurse Joy sat down at the table with Dane slowly nibbling through the first sandwich and his stomach loudly begging him to eat faster. But she was hoping to find out more about this strange trainer.

She knew that he was too old to just be starting out like everyone else who starts training at 10 years old, but he only had one low level Pokémon and that did not add up either.

Click to expand...

This part threw me off because so far the story is in Dane's perspective and here you briefly put it in Nurse Joy's.

With those out of the way, this is an interesting chapter there. Even though it's been a long while since I watched the anime, I caught a couple references, the street and pokedex specifically. I do feel in a couple parts Nurse Joy is swayed a bit too much, like when Dane said he has no one to go to, but I like in others you have her skeptical how he got Nidoran. I wonder if Dane stealing those stuff, even though he needs those, will come back to bite him.

For being a starving wanderer, Dane's little lunge was quite impressive and he racked the side of the vendor's head with the crow bar like a baseball hall of famer. The Vendor fell to the floor dazed, and not able to comprehend what had just happened to him.

Click to expand...

Yeah, considering Dane was starving, he still had one hell of an arm.

He tore into his back pack, ripping tin foil off of the now lukewarm food and devouring as much of it as his shrunken stomach would allow.

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I read somewhere that eating too quickly after a long period of starvation will make you throw up.

Dane lost his concentration and the other two balls, still the size of soft balls, fell clumsily from his hands and smacked him in the face, leaving him with a black eye and a bloody lip.

Click to expand...

Holy shit how heavy were the pokeballs?

The Nidoran didn't escape as quickly this time, but it still flew from the Pokeball in the same brilliant crimson display and it leapt horn first at Dane. Dane cracked it squarely on the Pokémon's side with the crowbar.

Click to expand...

I wish they'd do this shit in the anime - it'd make battles so easy.

"You mean you don't have a single potion on you? That's irresponsible!" the girl yelled, "What kind of a Pokémon Trainer are you!?!?" She yelled.

Click to expand...

I would've assumed he was a poacher or something, y'know, having assaulted a Pokemon rather than battled it fair and square.

Dane found the Pokecenter at around ten until midnight. Running the entire way, he'd covered the near eleven mile journey in just less than four hours.

Click to expand...

But he's malnourished, right?

"You have no Pokémon." Came the inquiry.

Click to expand...

It was a statement, not an inquiry.

"Did you enjoy your shower?" she asked. Dane nodded.
"Probably more than I should have." He replied.

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Maybe it's just me, but if I'd heard that, I would've thought he was jacking off :P

Aisu said:

Yeah, considering Dane was starving, he still had one hell of an arm.

I read somewhere that eating too quickly after a long period of starvation will make you throw up.

Holy **** how heavy were the pokeballs?

I wish they'd do this **** in the anime - it'd make battles so easy.

I would've assumed he was a poacher or something, y'know, having assaulted a Pokemon rather than battled it fair and square.

But he's malnourished, right?

It was a statement, not an inquiry.

Maybe it's just me, but if I'd heard that, I would've thought he was jacking off :P

Click to expand...

OK, I am ROTFL at the last one....I totally missed that!

I didn't try to convey the constant hunger as in he hasd't eaten for weeks...more like he hadn't days. so the eating right away thing would not have been as big a deal unless I misunderstand how long it takes to get to that point. As far as being malnourished, Yes...I had originally made this chapter much more gruesome for Dane, as I mentioned I rewrote it several times. But every-time I rewrote it it involved him passing out from dehydration or heat exhaustion, even waking up from a prolonged hospital stay from almost dying and his Nidoran having been treated and released back into the wild and a set of cuffs attaching him to the bed... while these are far more likely, they always resulted in Dane no longer being the driving force behind the chapter and that is not how I wanted it to go. (granted this is my fault as the writer fro not thinking hard enough on it and just going with the flow...still developing ideas and characters here) So I went with something else I experienced. While I was in the Marines I learned that no matter how much something sucked, How much I thought I was going to die, how bad it hurt, how tired I was, or how delusional I might become in the meanwhile, I could always force myself to keep pace. I could always force myself to keep pushing. You know, mind over matter...granted I know that here with the details of the story it was a longer stretch, but its gave the option to keep Dane conscious for more of the chapter. this allowed me more time to and info to brainstorm off of for the next few chapters and it gave me a more definite direction and more ideas of a longer term purpose or goal for Dane rather than just money... It is fiction after all, so I let some of the details take a backseat for the sake of continuing the story and avoiding the 11th rewrite.

P.S. I always figured that a full on Poke'ball weighed at least a pound, so i figured that these special one's could weight up to 1.5 pounds.

The poacher thing...I wrote that the male character, who you will find out in the third installment (which is already in progress) is named Grayt, saw the Nidoran attack first and did not see Dane's attack, so it was assumed that Dane was defending himself...and who would poach a Nidoran? They are pretty common and not worth much...are they? anyway, I am planning on painting Grayt as one of those people who give the benefit of the doubt even when they do not deserve it. He and Jersey will appear periodically. However...I wanted that ot be an underlying tone to Jersey's question, rather than having her accusing him directly and inflaming the situation to a point that would have taken the story in an other direction. Plus, I was trying to make Dane pretty, but truthfully clueless, to keep it from seeming wrongfully obvious to the other two characters what exactly he was doing.

as far as an arm., two things will drive a person past what they should be able to do...hunger and being cornered.

Bay Alexison said:

So I noticed this mistake several times. On occassion, you get the dialogue punctuation right ( the dialogue with the "he exclaimed" part in it). Many others, like the bolded parts, you got wrong. Usually when a dialogue is followed by a dialogue tag (he said, she yelled, etc) the dialogue ends in a comma not period and pronouns don't get capitalized. So bolded parts should be like this

-"Oh…I…I see," Dane said groggily still waking up."

-"We've done all we can for your Nidoran," she said with a long yawn quickly following, "It's resting now."



This part threw me off because so far the story is in Dane's perspective and here you briefly put it in Nurse Joy's.

With those out of the way, this is an interesting chapter there. Even though it's been a long while since I watched the anime, I caught a couple references, the street and pokedex specifically. I do feel in a couple parts Nurse Joy is swayed a bit too much, like when Dane said he has no one to go to, but I like in others you have her skeptical how he got Nidoran. I wonder if Dane stealing those stuff, even though he needs those, will come back to bite him.

Click to expand...

As always, thanks for the tips. I'll try to do better. :)

Its starting to come together!

Dane had taken an uneventful short cut through the forest from Cerulean straight to Palet, and it took him just over three days to reach it. But there he was, at the foot of the steps to the Famed Professor Gary Oak's lab. He remembered what Jersey and the other trainer had told him about seeing Professor Oak before getting started on his Pokémon journey, and he promised himself he would do what it took to be a trainer. Tired, sweaty, and famished, Dane climbed the steps one by one to the top of the small hill.

The short winding walk way, which felt like a long few miles to Dane, brought him to two heavy wooden doors. Both doors had iron knockers on them, and it took all of Dane's strength, but he grabbed one of them and slammed it into the door three times. He tongued the partially healed cut on his lip. It took a moment, but one of the Professor's assistants answered. He was a strange little man, no more than four feet tall, with thick owl-looking glasses and matted grey hair creating a patchy atoll around his scabbed bald head. His clothes were disheveled and he had missed a button on his shirt, throwing the rest of them off.

"I'm here to see Professor Oak." Dane said weakly.

"Oh dear, you look dreadful!" The assistant said, "Quickly, come in! I'll get you a chair and some hot oatmeal!" Dane smiled weakly and followed the short man to a table in the middle of the lab. It was covered with pages with information on the man's Pokémon studies…which were curiously covered in misshapen dollops of crusty dried oatmeal that had been there a while. In fact, Dane noticed that both the assistant and his entire work space smelled like oatmeal.

"I hope that is not the oatmeal that he plans on giving me." Dane said under his breath, noticing the crusty dried piles on the table. Dane sat there, at the table, watching the curious little man making him instant oatmeal of the Poke'Quaker Oats Peaches and Cream variety.
Oddly enough he used milk instead of water. As the assistant put the hot microwaved bowl in front of Dane and handed him a spoon, a snarky nasally voice came from behind him.

"And just who might you be?" the voice asked. Dane turned to see an older man, in his 60's, in a long white lab coat with slicked back grey hair. He wore a simple black rope necklace with a green and yellow yin-yang style pendant over his coat.

"Are you Professor Oak?" Dane asked, looking at him with wonder.

"I am, but you haven't told me who you are yet? I asked you first." Gary responded. He stood waiting impatiently for an answer.

"I am Dane. I was sent here by a trainer called Jersey." He said somewhat sheepishly.

"Oh, Jersey and Grate sent you? They are quite a pair. They both show a lot of promise." The Professor said, "Well then, why did they send you?"

"Well, I, uh…" Dane tried to start, but he was too intimidated.

"Spit it out, kid, I ain't got all day!" Gary insisted.

"I want to become a Pokémon trainer, but I do not know where to start!" Dane blurted out, pushing past his insecurities.

"Well, you are too late. The time to stat new trainers this year has come and gone. You'll have to wait until next June." Gray said. He turned to walk away. "Now, finish your oatmeal and get out."
"Professor wait!" Dane blurted out again. He rushed over to Gary. "Please let me start late. Please! I'm homeless and hungry and I am hoping that Pokémon training can help me find some semblance of a normal life." Gary Oak visibly sighed.

"Kid, even with as many trainers as there are in the world…Pokémon training is anything but normal," Gary crossed his arms, "Even if it were the right time, you are too old and I'm not sure I'd want to help you anyway. I doubt you know what you need to know to get started. You admitted yourself that you have no idea what you are doing and Jersey didn't speak very highly of you." Gary glared at Dane.

"Can't you teach me, or give a Cliff Notes or something?" Dane pleaded, "I just need to know enough to get started and I can figure out the rest." Dane removed Nidoran's Pokeball from his belt, "Look, I even have a Pokemon already. You don't even have to give me one!" Nidoran leapt from the Pokeball in a brilliant red blaze.

"Nido, Nidoran!" It exclaimed. It was out of its bandages and back to standing on its own. However it still favored the leg. Gary softened up a bit when he saw the Nidoran. It brought back so many wonderful memories for him. He kneeled over and rubbed the little creature right behind the ear like his had liked so many years before. But when he stood his face was still stern.

"Jersey told me what you did. As deplorable and desperate as that may have been, it is good to see that you did take it to the Pokémon Center and have continued its treatment since. However, Dane, it is simply too late and you are too old. Please see yourself out." Gary Oak replied, "You will need to forge your own path."

Dane hung his head in defeat, tears welling in his eyes. But he forced himself to keep his composure. Still looking down he reached into his pocket and pulled out the Pokedex.
"Here, then," Dane said, "I won't be needing this." And he handed the Pokedex to Professor Oak. As Dane walked away, with his head still hung and the Nidoran limping behind him, the Professor examined the device. He noted that it was a much older model then they were issuing now, and it was uncannily similar to the one he had when he started training. It was beat to snot, but upon flipping it open he was able to verify that it was in proper working order. The trainer info had been erased, so he flipped it over. Upon seeing the name scrawled in that familiar writing, though, he stopped dead in his thoughts.

"Oh ****." Gary said out loud in the most unprofessional and unceremonious fashion one could imagine. But he recomposed himself, "Dane," he started, "Are you sure the path of a Pokémon Trainer is one that you wish to pursue?" Dane's head shot up.

"You mean…?" Dane started, turning around to look at the Professor, "Yes! Absolutley!"

"Then League Rules dictate that I furnish you with a starting Pokémon. Your 'pet' Nidoran does not count. I'm not happy about it, but I will help you with the bare minimum. Let's go to my workspace." Dane followed him across the lab to a room that was absolutely filled to the brim with Pokeballs. "This room is my life now. I used to be one of the greatest trainers in all of Kanto, but when my Gramps died, I got stuck taking over his job. Now all I do is feed, water, exercise, and study the Pokémon in these balls." Gary walked around the room and finally picked one Pokeball.

"I do not have the standard starters as they were taken early this year when the legitimate new trainers showed up. But I can give you this one since it is technically on the list of acceptable starter Pokémon of the Kanto region." Gary handed Dane the Pokeball and a huge smile spread across Dane's face. Dane reared his arm back to throw it to see what Pokémon the Professor had given him, but Gary violently grabbed his arm to stop him.

"Wait until you get outside!" He stated strongly from behind a locked jaw, trying to curb his outburst, "I already told you that helping you is not something I wanted to do. Do not make me regret doing this much!" Gary forced Dane's arm down to his side and he sat down at his computer. He inserted the old Pokedex into a slot on the computer tower and after opening a program he began typing feverishly.

"I don't understand Professor, if I already have a Pokémon, why are you required to give me another?" Dane asked.

"The Pokémon League dictates how I am to go about starting new trainers. It has to be in June, you have to have acquired some knowledge about Pokémon before leaving, you must be between the ages of 10 and 12, I have to provide you with a Pokedex that acts as your ID and keeps tabs and stats on your wins losses and the Pokémon that you capture, and I have to provide you with a Pokémon that meets the leagues standards for strength and species." He looked at the injured Nidoran.

"Your Nidoran is not an approved starting species, it is injured so it does not meet the strength requirements, and even if it was in perfect health and approved I am still required to give you a Pokémon anyway. I am breaking enough of the rules. I have plenty of Pokémon of the species I gave you to study, it's not impeding my work to let one go. If anything, that Pokémon is getting in the way of my studies." As Oak finished he went back to work on the computer. Dane looked at him curiously.

"Where are you from? What is your height, weight, and date of birth?" Oak asked directly.
"Uh, New Bark Town on Johto, I'm 5' 4", and probably about 95 pounds. I am hoping to bulk up though!" Dane joked at the end. The Professor didn't even smirk, but he did eye him suspiciously when he said that he was from New Bark Town.

"Because you are starting in Kanto I have to say that you are from Kanto…so you are from Palet whether I like it or not." A flash lit up the room, and the Pokedex screen lit up indicating that the picture had uploaded. The Professor removed the Pokedex from the computer and handed it to Dane. "It has all of yours and Nidoran's info now, I have one more thing for you, follow me to my study." Nidoran was struggling to keep up at this point so Dane returned him to his Pokeball.

"I have to say Dane, I'm surprised that you are letting Nidoran walk as much as you are." The Professor remarked on their way to the study.

"A long time ago, my mother broke her femur…in an accident. She had to go through physical therapy to get back to walking. I figured the same principle would apply to my Nidoran." Dane replied as they reached the door to the Study.

"I'm not saying that I am impressed, there Dane, but that was rather intuitive. I do not like you, but I can give credit where credit is due. And that was a good decision. I just hope you are keeping up its potion regiment while it heals to keep it healthy." Gary said. With that he opened the door and entered the study with Dane in tow. Gary went to a shelf at the back of the room and pulled a large hard cover book off of the shelf. He walked back to Dane and placed the book in his hands.

"This book was written by my late Grandfather. It contains all of the knowledge needed to be a good trainer…different training styles, differences in Pokémon, and all that. It is a copy, but that is all you need. So there, you have knowledge in your very hands, you have an appropriate starter Pokémon, so technically all the rules I am breaking are time and age. That should be forgivable enough." He leaned over to look Dan in the eyes, "I swear Dane, if you don't treat these Pokémon well and keep your eye on the prize I will make you wish you had never been born." He whispered. Dane gulped nervously. "Now let's get you on your way and out of my lab." Oak insisted.

He gently pushed Dane out of the study and the two walked back to the front door. The older assistant from earlier sprang at them holding a box of Strawberry oatmeal in his hands.
"Leaving so soon! Here, take this!" the old man said shoving the Oatmeal into Dane's arms. Gary's face fell into his hands.

"Ken! Get back to work!" he said with absolute frustration plaguing his voice.

"Right away!" and the old man quickly hobbled away.

"To much energy in that one." Gary said to himself, "Sorry about that kid. That guy has been around since my Gramps was still alive. He lost his marbles when Gramps died and now he thinks that Pokémon and Oatmeal have some ancient connection. Everything he does now involves oatmeal." As Gary said this, Ken opened five packets of oatmeal and started sprinkling them on a Paras that had sorrowfully wandered into his workspace, "I don't know if I should have him committed, or just drag him out back and put him out of his misery. Sadly, I don't have the heart to do either."

Dane looked on curiously as the now angered Paras used Stun Spore and Ken fell to the ground paralyzed.

"Oh geeze." Gary said, "Dane, get out of my lab." Dane walked through the door to the outside, still clutching the box of Oatmeal.

"Thanks for everything Professor!" He said as the door closed abruptly. Gary thought to himself for a moment.

That kid is going to have some surprise when he gets to the last rounds of the Pokémon League. When… After pondering this thought for a moment longer he went to help Ken.
But Dane had other aspirations and ideas on his mind. He walked to the outskirts of Palet Town with his nose stuck in the book, reading about the Gym Leaders. I guess my first stop is going to be Pewter City. As he walked into the Viridian Forrest, following the steps of so many trainers before him, he heard a rustle in the bushes behind him. He turned to find the Nurse Joy from the Cerulean City Pokémon Center poking her head out of the bush.

"Hey what are you doing here?" He asked her, noticing that she was dressed in blue jeans, a dark blue t shirt, knee high high heal boots, a light brown canvas trench coat, and a backwards ball cap. Her pink hair also streamed down her back, rather than being done up in the loops like most Nurse Joys have. A Chansey appeared behind her.

"I was hoping to go with you." She said. He then noted the Pokeballs on her belt, two on each side of a large pewter buckle shaped like a Pokeball. "I never wanted to be a Nurse. Because my mother was a Nurse Joy I was expected to follow in her footsteps, but I always wanted to be a Pokémon Appraiser. I've been Nursing now for 6 months and I hate it! I absolutely can't stand to see the hurt Pokémon all of the time." Her eyes welled up at the thought, and Dane rolled his back in frustration.

"Look, I'm sorry for your problems, Nurse Joy…"

"Call me Jamie! I am no longer a nurse or a Joy! My name is Jamie!" She interrupted him.

"OK…Jamie…I go alone. I've been alone for years and I had no intentions to stop." He said blatantly, "Besides, don't you think it would be kind of weird for an adult to travel around with a teenager?"

"If I was an adult that would make sense, but I am only 16. And back at the Pokecenter you said you wanted some normalcy. Well, in my psychology class that I had to take both people and Pokémon are social beings and wanting to be alone is not normal!" She pleaded.

"You don't look 16." Dane retorted sharply.

"But I am! Please let me come with you!" She begged.

"I don't think so." Dane said and he turned to leave.

"I'll call Officer Jenny!" She yelled at him.

"Why would you do that? You ain't got a thing on me." He said cockily.

"I know you stole those clothes and equipment while I was distracted. I'll turn you in, thief!" Dane suddenly took her seriously. He turned back around to face her.

"You wouldn't dare!" He exclaimed. He thought about the crow bar and how easy it would be, and his hand twitched as the thought ran through his head. But he couldn't bring himself to draw it. Jamie looked at him waiting for his answer and he continued to think about his predicament…trying to think of some dirt on her that he could use as leverage to level the playing field. But all he drew were blanks.

"Fine," he finally said, "You can come." Jamie clasped her hands together with happiness and ran to hug Dane, Dane felt as though this was going to be a mistake. Chansey joined in the hug and Dane regretted his decision even more.

"I am, but you haven't told me who you are yet? I asked you first." Gary responded. He stood waiting impatiently for an answer.

"I am Dane. I was sent here by a trainer called Jersey." He said somewhat sheepishly.

"Oh, Jersey and Grate sent you? They are quite a pair. They both show a lot of promise." The Professor said, "Well then, why did they send you?"

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I still see some instances where you have a period instead of a comma when dialogue is followed by a dialogue tag. For the dialogues not ending in an uestion mark or exclimation point, yeah has to end comma.

"Nido, Nidoran!" It exclaimed. It was out of its bandages and back to standing on its own. However it still favored the leg. Gary softened up a bit when he saw the Nidoran. It brought back so many wonderful memories for him. He kneeled over and rubbed the little creature right behind the ear like his had liked so many years before. But when he stood his face was still stern.

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The Nidoran Dane got is male by default. The bolded part is also steering towards different POV territory.

Noticed a couple instances where you capitalized oatmeal, which I think is uncessary.

"Thanks for everything Professor!" He said as the door closed abruptly. Gary thought to himself for a moment.

That kid is going to have some surprise when he gets to the last rounds of the Pokémon League. When… After pondering this thought for a moment longer he went to help Ken.

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Another instance of Gary's POV there.

I like old man Gary here. Even though he helped Dane out, he's still not fully convienced what he did was right. As for Nurse Joy/Jamie, I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, it's nice to see a Nurse Joy that wants to do something different and that she did caught on Dane stealing some stuff. On the other hand, not so sure Dane is the right person for her to travel with haha. This should make for interesting interactions at least.

Bay Alexison said:

I still see some instances where you have a period instead of a comma when dialogue is followed by a dialogue tag. For the dialogues not ending in an uestion mark or exclimation point, yeah has to end comma.



The Nidoran Dane got is male by default. The bolded part is also steering towards different POV territory.

Noticed a couple instances where you capitalized oatmeal, which I think is uncessary.



Another instance of Gary's POV there.

I like old man Gary here. Even though he helped Dane out, he's still not fully convienced what he did was right. As for Nurse Joy/Jamie, I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, it's nice to see a Nurse Joy that wants to do something different and that she did caught on Dane stealing some stuff. On the other hand, not so sure Dane is the right person for her to travel with haha. This should make for interesting interactions at least.

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Well, as for the Gary's thoughts and stuff, I know that some people do not like 3rd Person Omniscient. I love it because it gives me the opportunity to explore everyone's thoughts on paper and their emotions. I try to keep my use of the omniscient principle to a minimum, however, when I write for other's amusement, which is why you only see sprinklings of it hear and there.

Where Nurse Joy/Jamie is concerned, I'm not sure how long they are going to last as companions. I feel that Dane's personality is going to be a very bi-polar-like wish wash of stability and volatility, which could make for either a really nasty falling out, a comical back and forth, or a less violent version of the Joker's and Harley Quinn's on again, off again relationship. I'm not sure how I am going to play it out just yet, but it should be fun either way. It would be funny, I think to make her super clingy and manipulative, and I think she's already heading in that direction with her blackmail of Dane.

Sorry, school has been hell and we had some damage and stuff to deal with after Hurricane Hermine. Here's the next chapter, enjoy!

"So...What Pokémon did Professor Oak give you?" Jamie asked, looking at the second Pokeball attached to his belt.

"Oh, uh, I haven't even looked yet," He stated flatly, "I have just been reading this book that Professor Oak gave me. I need to go to the Pewter City Gym and face this guy named Brock in battle," Jamie giggled audibly at his reply. "What is so funny?" He retorted with a slight but obvious irritation.

"Brock is an old, old man now. He hasn't trained or bred Pokémon in years. His Son, Boulder, now resides over the Gym," She replied.

"…Oh..." Dane replied, "We'll, let's see what Pokémon Professor Oak gave me!" he exclaimed. He pulled the Pokeball off of his belt and expanded it in his hand. He clicked it twice and tossed the ball into the air. It exploded in that same brilliant red light a Pokémon appeared as the empty ball few back into Dane's hand. The tiny Pokémon, with its back to Dane, was only about a foot tall with long and stiff triangle shaped ears. Its flat, black tail twitched as the tiny yellow and black creature sensed its new surroundings. Then it happily looked over its shoulder at Dane and winked at him.

"AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEE!" Jamie squealed loudly, "IT'S SO CUTE I COULD DIE!!!" She pulled out a tape measure and leapt into action. She jumped quickly and excitedly from measurement to measurement, spewing sentences in an excited Jersey Girl accent as she went;

"Over all this is a decent Pokémon! I think that in battle it will get the job done! Its size and markings are perfectly average! I'd wager its attack will be its strongest feature! It's so cute and tiny I almost didn't see it!" She stood up and put the tape measure away, "Sorry, sometimes I get carried away!" she said, blushing just enough to tell. The little creature sneezed from the dust that she had kicked up off the road and electric sparks flew everywhere. It turned to look at Dane squarely and it smiled at him.

"Wha-what is it?" He pulled out his Pokedex and pointed it at the tiny creature. After some garbling and screeching the aged Pokedex began to speak in a slightly distorted but easily-enough understood tone;
"Number 172, Pichu, The Tiny Mouse Pokémon:

It plays with others by touching tails and setting off sparks. This appears to be a test of courage.
The electric sacs in its cheeks are still developing. If even a little electricity leaks, it sometimes becomes shocked. It is not yet skilled at storing electricity. It may send out a jolt if amused or startled.
Despite its small size, it can zap even adult humans. However, if it does so, it also surprises itself."

"Pichu, huh?" Dane pulled a razzberry out of his pocket and handed it to the tiny mouse. The critter accepted it with a loud and high pitched "Pi Pi Pi!" and it took a huge bite out of the tiny piece of fruit. The excited creature let out an excited "Chu!" and sparks and small lightning bolts flew everywhere. One ill-fated bolt struck Dane in the face, launching him back several feet and tossing Dexter into the bushes. Dane groaned as he lay on the ground.

"I guess the little guy is a little more powerful than I thought!" Jamie said with a laugh as she leaned over to pet the Pichu. "Pi Pi Chu!" it exclaimed in happiness as she scratched the little creature. But the more Jamie scratched the more excited the little guy became, and with a sudden "Pi" the excitement became more than the Pichu could handle and another jolt of electricity shot out and tossed Jamie into a nearby tree. By this time Dane had gotten back up and was laughing hysterically at Jamie's shocking experience.
"It's not funny!" Jamie exclaimed!

"It's just as funny as when you laughed at me!" He shot back between laughs. She crossed her arms and turned her head. "I guess we should just be glad that this little guy doesn't have the wattage to do any serious damage." He said as he retrieved Dexter from the bush. The Pokedex was no worse for the
wear. Apparently its previous owner had grounded the snot out of the circuitry for some reason.

"Speak for yourself." Jamie said rubbing the back of her head. Dane grabbed Pichu's Pokeball from his belt.

"OK, Pichu, we know what you are. Let's get you back into your ball." Dane clicked the Pokeball twice and tossed it at the tiny rodent. But Pichu sidestepped it and turned to waddle away. Both Dane and Jamie were perplexed by this. Dane picked up the ball. "Pichu! Get in your ball!" He tossed it at Pichu again, but the tiny mouse just caught the ball. It then shocked the ball until the guts of the ball blew out and caught fire. Dane just looked at the tiny mouse, perplexed by its behavior.

"Dane, Some Pokémon just do not like to be confined in their Pokeballs. I'm guessing that the Professor has forced this Pichu to live in the Pokeball most of its life, and now it just wants out," Jaime said. The little Pokémon nodded in agreement, "Chu chu!"

"Oh, ok then! Pichu, you can walk with us." Dane said without hesitation. It didn't matter to him at all that Pichu didn't like the Pokeball. He knew it was not a standard decision, but Dane was no standard trainer, nor did he have any desire to be. With that the four of them, Dane, Jamie, Chansey, and Pichu, walked into the forest to begin their journey. Dane spent his time reading the book Professor Oak had given him, and using some of the tips inside to work with both his Pichu and his Nidoran.

But it was clear to him that the Rock Types that the Pewter City Gym Leader would be using left him at a severe disadvantage. His Nidoran would be strong enough to take on the likes of a Golem or an Onix, and Pichu's attacks would have no effect on them whatsoever. He pondered long and hard about how he was going to overcome this shear disadvantage. Jaime spent her time tending to Nidoran's broken limb, which was healing quite nicely thanks to the Super potions that Dane stole. She projected that Nidoran would be in fighting shape by the time they reached the Pewter City Gym.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Pewter City was not far away now, just another day or so walk. But Dane needed to make a necessary detour. He remembered living off of a river nearby Pewter City the year before until his fishing pole went missing, forcing him to move on in search of new food sources.

"Come on," He said straying from the path, "Let's go this way."

"But…But…Pewter City is right over the edge of this hill!" Jamie protested.

"Jamie, you know a lot about Pokémon, don't you?" He asked sarcastically in a tone akin to a serrated blade.

"Yes," She said timidly, following him deeper into the forest. The forest floor was becoming thick with brush.

"Nidoran, I choose you. Help clear a path." Dane said before tossing the Pokeball. Nidoran erupted from the Pokeball and began doing as he was told, his leg all healed up. Dane turned back to Jamie. "Which of my two Pokémon are strong against Rock Types?" He asked in the same disdainful tone.

"Neither." She said slightly less sheepishly than her first response.

"I have to find a water type or a grass type. If my memory serves me correctly, there is a river this way that winds its way to Pewter City as well. It might take us a little longer to get there, but I could catch a water type on the way there. That should ensure my victory against this Boulder character." Dane explained, a little more calmly. Jamie sharpened her tongue for her following comment.

"But it's not just about the science of matching types according to their strengths and weaknesses. It's also about having a strong bond with your Pokémon so that you can work fluidly together in battle," she retorted.

"Nidoran, even though he is a poison type, only knows normal, physical attacks as of yet. He has nothing that can pierce or affect a rock hide. Though that is something I can and will remedy, it will not help me win this fight. Pichu, on the other hand is exceptionally weak. He only knows one electric attack, and it saps his own HP points to use it. He's a BABY!" Pichu's ears drooped and his face visibly sagged with sadness, "I can't pin him up against an Onix."

"You mean brute!" Jamie exclaimed, "You hurt Pichu's feelings!" Dane stopped and looked at the tiny mouse who was staring at the ground. He scooped the little guy and put him on his shoulder.

"Buck up little guy. I have all the faith in the world at the potential you have. But the Pokémon we are going to be fighting tomorrow are professional fighters many times your size and capability. I do need you on my side and you are a valuable part of the team, and will always be so. I will definitely need your help in just a little bit." Pichu's face brightened up a little, and Dane handed him another Razzberry. Pichu's excitement resulted in another jolt in the back of Dane's skull, although this time, Dane was a little less surprised by it and managed to keep his footing.

Another half hour or so Nidoran had led them all to the river. The river's banks were blanketed in soft naturally occurring grass, and the river itself cascaded down hill. In the distance the far eastern edge of Pewter City was barely visible past the tree line. Nidorans and Ratattas, Beedrills and Butterfrees all collected and conversed around the river, but there were no water or grass types in sight. He saw plenty of Pidgeys and Spearows, even a few of their evolved forms frolicked about the sustaining waters that led to the City of Pewter.

"Jamie, now would be a good time to fill the canteens and set up camp. I've got to go hunting," Dane said as he filled his pockets with Pokeballs and he slipped his crowbar into his belt. Jamie looked at the crowbar, then she looked at Nidoran, then she looked back at the crowbar. A shocked look spread across her face, but she remained silent and did as Dane had suggested.

"Nidoran, Pichu…Lets go find that water-type." With that the three of headed up river towards Pewter City. It took hours. They found several Goldeens and Staryus, but Dane passed these Pokémon up. There was something particular he was looking for. He knew that it would be a harder route, even being a water type. But the book talked evolutions and he knew that the Pokémon he had in mind would give him certain advantages once it grew to higher levels. At least that was the way that he interpreted what he read in the book.

He passed up a Squirtle he found, as well as a Magikarp and a Polywag. After several hours had passed he finally found a whole flock of them…Psyducks. He scanned the scene of thirty or so Psyducks, looking for the one that appeared the strongest. A particularly large one stood on top of a rock, seemingly preaching or speaking to the other Psyducks.

"That is the one," Dane said in a barely audible whisper. He pitched his Pokeball at the Psyduck he wanted with all of his strength. The Pokeball crashed with such force that it knocked the Psyduck off of the rock. The rest were completely surprised and scattered frantically into the wind. As the Pokeball came back empty Dane yelled to Nidoran who charged into battle with a loyalty and determination seen by few. Dane and Pichu followed as quickly as they could. Once they got around the rock, they saw Nidoran was being thrown around by Psyduck's psychic abilities.

But so far his plan was going perfectly. With the Psyduck distracted Dane called on Pichu, "Pichu! Use your Static attack!" Pichu lit up like a continuous spark fountain and small electric charges were emitted as he tried to build up a powerful shock. Finally, he did and he shocked the Psyduck with all of his
might. The Psyduck cried out as he was launched into the air.

The Psyduck responded with a water jet attack at Pichu, but Dane was ready.

"Nidoran! Intercept the Water attack! Pichu, use that new move I taught you! Thunderwave!" Nidoran leapt in and blocked the water jet and Pichu let out a tandem of electrical pulses that paralyzed the Psyduck. It fell to the ground stunned and Dane tossed the Pokeball. But Pichu let out a weakened "Pi" and fell to the ground from exhaustion. As the Pokeball did its thing and Nidoran stood ready for the Psyduck to try to escape, Dane scooped up Pichu. Pichu looked at Dane with a weak smile.

"Pichu, you did great! Get some rest," Pichu nodded and closed his eyes as Dane cradled him. He looked over at the Pokeball. The Psyduck had been captured and Nidoran was sitting next to it, standing guard. Dane picked up the Pokeball, but not before patting Nidoran on the head, who seemed unphased by the tough battle it had just been through.

"You really are a tough little Pokémon, aren't you, Nidoran?" Dane said to him, and the Nidoran nodded. "Nido Ran Ran." It said.

"Yes, you are getting strong. Your underbelly is starting to get dark as well. The book says that means you might be getting ready to evolve." Nidoran nodded again. Dane smiled at this thought…His first Pokémon is about to grow up a bit. The two of them went back to the camp that Jaime had set up whilst they were away.

As they returned to the camp Jaime had started a fire and was making dinner. The tent was set up and the canteens were filled. Dane made a bed of leaves and soft grass for Pichu to lie in and he tended to Nidoran's few wounds with a super potion.

"What happened to Pichu?" Jaime asked Dane, moving some broccoli she had picked around their pan.
"He's just exhausted. He will get stronger and more able as he grows more. Nidoran is getting strong. He agrees, but I think he will evolve soon."

"Did you catch your Water Pokémon that you had to have?" Jaime asked.

"I had a particular one in mind that I think will do very well for me. I did find one and man, is he strong…do we have any Paralyze heal in that bag?" He looked at Jaime.

"Yeah we have one." Jaime said. She picked it out of the bag and she tossed it to Dane. Dane released the Psyduck and sprayed it with the paralyze heal. Slowly the stiffened duck started to become flexible again and it stretched itself out.

"You looked specifically for a Psyduck…." Jaime said with a severely unimpressed look upon her face and an undertone to her voice that demonstrated absolutely no excitement. "Are you daft?"
"I have a strategy in mind, just you wait and see." He began to treat the Psyduck with some super potion and his bruise from the Pokeball hitting him in the face disappeared.

"It won't be long before the Boulder Badge is mine," Dane said, "It won't be long."

The excited creature let out an excited "Chu!"

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You have "excited" twice there, so it's a bit repetitive. Perhaps take out the first "excited" there.

So, I'll mention dialogue punctuation again. There are some you go right, but some you didn't (under spoilers).


Oh, one other thing I'm confused. Is Jamie's name spelled Jamie or Jaime? I asked because you switched between the two sometimes.

I admit, the part where Dane explains to Jamie why he can't use Pichu and Pichu being all sad I feel sorry for the little guy even if it's true, aw. At least Dane said he's still part of the team.

During the battle against Psyduck, I admit to being taken aback when Dane said to Pichu, "Use that move I taught you" as I don't think there is any mention of him teaching Pichu Thunderwave before. You mention Pewter City another day to walk, so perphaps that would have been a perfect opportunity to mention him training his Pokemon too. I do like the detail of how Dane knows Nidoran will evolve soon, and I think Psyduck's psychic ability is why he wanted to use that Pokemon for the gym battle.