[Pokémon] Break the Silence

So I found that I have 16 chapters + a prologue of a fanfic I wrote back in 2013 before I got a full time job and didn't have much time to write, so I decided I'm going to post it here and get some feedback since I'm itching to do a bit of work on either another fic or even this one.


They were both down to their last Pokémon. Red with his Charizard, Giovanni with his Rhydon. Red knew what was at stake in this battle. Not only the Earth Badge and access to the Pokémon League, but also finally eliminating one of the biggest crime lords Kanto had ever seen.

"Let's do this Charizard! Start it off with Flamethrower!" Charizard flew in quickly and launched a powerful breath of fire right on target at Rhydon. It was knocked over, almost in shock of being overpowered. Yet it was by no means finished yet.

"Rhydon, use Rock Slide!" Red knew this was trouble. A Rock Slide from Rhydon could be the downfall of Charizard. Rock-type attacks were Charizard's Achilles' heel, and if Rhydon could land a hit, it would gain a major advantage. But Red was clever. He had not gotten to this point with just luck or power, it also took knowledge and skill as a trainer. He also knew what his Charizard was capable of, and placed his confidence in it to win the battle.

"Charizard, fly up to dodge, and if you can't avoid them, use Iron Tail to knock them back!" Rocks came flying in at a great pace right at Charizard, but it remained calm and quickly flew up into the air, with its tail ready to block any incoming rocks. But Charizard was so fast, this was unnecessary. The next command was an Iron Tail, which Charizard landed a direct hit on Rhydon, knocking it to the ground and shaking it up. Rhydon got up slowly, waiting for Giovanni's next command.

"Rhydon, we can't lose this now! Thunderpunch!" Rhydon moved quickly for its large size and landed a lightning packed punch right on target. Charizard was knocked down and in a little bit of trouble. Rhydon was a powerful Pokémon, and that punch, which was already very effective on Charizard, was not an average one. Charizard flew up and was still ready to finish Rhydon off, once and for all.

"Charizard, this is it. Finish it up with your best Flamethrower!" Charizard flew in and fired its biggest flame yet at Rhydon, landing a direct hit. Rhydon was knocked down, and for good. It struggled to get up, but could not gain its balance and was down for the count. Red was overjoyed, and ran up to embrace Charizard for its victory. Giovanni hung his head in shame. He knew this was the end of the line. Team Rocket could no longer be revived. He walked up to Red, ready to concede defeat.

"It has been quite a year. I have learned that there are many things that I have yet to understand. I cannot face my followers, as I have failed them as a leader. As of today, Team Rocket is finished forever. You have been a powerful foe, Red, and I concede defeat to you here today. I will dedicate my life to training, and I hope that one day we may meet again. Until then, farewell!"

Giovanni left the gym, but before doing so, left Red with the Earth Badge, a symbol of not only his final step into entering the Pokémon League, but also of his victory in the last fight with the greatest criminal mastermind in recent history. Red could not help wondering if Giovanni was really finished for good, but he could not worry about this now. He continued on his way, ready for his next challenge.

Okay, said I would leave some feedback! So, Bardothren already beat me to it in mentioning some parts that could use more detail, but I want to mention one part in which you can use some body language.

"Rhydon, use Rock Slide!" Red knew this was trouble. A Rock Slide from Rhydon could be the downfall of Charizard. Rock-type attacks were Charizard's Achilles' heel, and if Rhydon could land a hit, it would gain a major advantage. But Red was clever. He had not gotten to this point with just luck or power, it also took knowledge and skill as a trainer. He also knew what his Charizard was capable of, and placed his confidence in it to win the battle.

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Here I think you can show Red being unsure/worried at first with him bitting his lips and fist clenched for instance. You can then have his expression/body language change when he feels more confident.

I do take account this was written a few years ago, but you mention wanting some feedback, heh. Not much to go by since it's only a prologue, but the battle is fun to read. I do look forward where this story goes!

Thanks for the feedback guys! I will definitely take these things into consideration if and when I do get around to revising this fic. I will say that I didn't go into much detail about this battle because it is just a battle that already exists in canon to kind of preview where things are going, but I agree that it could definitely use some more description still.

Since there wasn't much there, I will post the first full chapter now, but don't expect updates every day from here :P it'll probably be about three to four days between each post.


"And now for the final battle! The Champion, Gary vs. the challenger, Red, for the Pokémon league title!"

Vance Campbell watched as his hero, Red, battled the former champion Gary for the title in a clip from 20 years ago. Vance was probably Red's biggest fan. It helped that Red was the greatest known trainer in Kanto, if not on the entire planet, because of his skill and his kindness toward Pokémon and humans alike. He was the master of the art of Pokémon training and many who followed him have tried to imitate his success. Vance would become another one of these tomorrow, as he was going to get his first Pokémon from Professor Oak and his new assistant, Professor Willow, who would be taking over within the next 10 years.

Vance found sleep hard to catch that night as he was filled with excitement for his new Pokémon. He already knew which Pokémon he was going to choose, and he couldn't wait to go pick it out at Oak's lab. When he finally did fall asleep, he dreamed of battling Red's Charizard with a Gyarados. In a close match, Gyarados came out on top, although Charizard had put up a great fight against a water-type. Vance was in awe as he shook his idol's hand, but was disappointed when he realized it was only a dream.

Vance awoke at 7 a.m. to a horrendous alarm, but he welcomed it with open arms. In just an hour, he would be picking out a brand new Pokémon that would guide him to becoming the greatest Pokémon trainer ever. He combed his short brown hair until it was the way he wanted it, and made his way downstairs to a large breakfast of eggs, bacon, sausage, and toast made by his mother.

"Eat up, Vance," she said, "you need your strength for today."

"Thanks mom, this smells great!" Vance took a plateful of food and devoured it happily. His mom was a great cook, which was necessary with a teenage boy in the house.

"Hey Vance!" Vance's dad came down shortly after, "you ready to start the big Journey?"

"Of course, dad! I've been anxious for weeks, watching Pokémon tapes and all kinds of crazy stuff."

"This is a big step, Vance, I hope you know what you're up against."

"I know, dad," Vance replied, "I've been preparing for it. I know I have what it takes."

Vance finished his delicious breakfast and went to his room to finish packing. "Tent? Check. Sleeping bag? Check. Town map? Check. Pokégear? Check. Extra clothes? Hey, where'd - "

Vance looked up confusedly from his backpack and saw his pajamas and extra clothes sitting on the bed.

"Ah, there we go. Extra clothes, check. Just gotta leave room for Pokéballs and my Pokédex."

Vance ventured downstairs with his backpack ready to go to Oak's lab. "I'm leaving guys."

"Vance, be careful out there," his mom said, giving him a kiss, "come home every once in a while."

"I will, mom."

"Be strong, Vance," his dad said, "believe in yourself and you will go far. I hope to see you in the Champion's circle!"

"Thanks, guys. I'll see you later, don't worry."

Vance hugged his parents, then walked down Route 1 to Pallet Town, where Oak's lab was. He was careful to stick to the path, as he might encounter a 1-on-0 Pokémon battle if he didn't. It was a very short route, taking less than five minutes to arrive at the lab. When Vance got to the door, he saw a sign that said "New trainers, come right in!" Trainers? I thought I was the only one coming at this time. He walked in to what looked like a regular house. A living room with a couch, TV, sofa, and fireplace was the first thing he saw. It was all very clean too. This doesn't look like a lab. Just then, silver-haired Professor Oak came in with his long lab coat.

"Ah, Vance," he said, shaking Vance's hand, "it's good to see you again. Are you ready to choose a Pokémon?"

"Of course! But first, a question. Are there others coming today?"

"Oh yes," he said, "more trainers will be coming later on. But they aren't coming until later on. For example, I have a young woman coming around 11 and young man at 2. Although, unlike you, they each already have a Pokémon. Perhaps you'll get to meet them at some point on your journey."

"That would be cool. I look forward to meeting and battling all kinds of trainers."

"You sound like you have the will to learn," Oak said, "that's a good thing for someone who wishes to become a good trainer. Now, shall we get started?"

Oak led Vance out of the living room and down what looked like stairs into a basement. When they got down there, Vance knew where he was immediately. Now this is more like it. The large desk, computer, lab desks, and giant screen gave away that this was where Oak did most of his work. He saw a fairly attractive woman standing near a circular machine that held three Pokéballs. There's what I've been waiting for all my life.

"Vance, this is my assistant, Professor Willow. She will be taking over the lab within the next five to ten years."

"Very nice to meet you, Vance," she said with a smile. She was very pretty, with long brown hair and beautiful green eyes.

"Same to you, Professor Willow. Have you enjoyed working with Professor Oak?"

"Absolutely," she said, "he's been wonderful, and I have learned a lot from him. He is just a book of Pokémon knowledge!"

"Why, thank you, Professor Willow. I know you will do a good job with this lab when I retire. Now, let's get this boy his Pokémon! I know he's been looking forward to it."

They walked over to the machine with the Pokéballs and stood around it. The balls were on pedestals that labeled each of the starter Pokémon, Bulbasaur, Charmander, and Squirtle. Vance's excitement peaked at this moment.

"So, Vance," Oak said, "have you made your decision yet?"

"I thought long and hard about this decision," he said, "and after careful consideration, I have decided to choose Charmander!"

He took Charmander's Pokéball from the pedestal and held it in his hand. My first Pokémon, I am going to become the best with you. I guarantee it.

"Let it out Vance," Willow said.

"Really? Ok, go Charmander!"

The ball opened and with a flash of light, Charmander appeared. It stood at about two feet tall. Vance first noticed the ever-famous flame burning bright on its tail. It exclaimed "Charmander!" with great excitement when it saw its brand new trainer. Vance was overjoyed at this.

"It seems to like you a lot," Oak said, " and now for your parting gifts. Here are five Pokéballs and your Pokédex, updated to record the latest data on all of the currently known Pokémon."

"Thanks a lot, Professor." Vance took the gifts and said his farewells to Oak and Willow. He looked at Charmander's Pokéball and smiled, ready for whatever challenges would lie ahead of him on his journey.

One think I noticed is for some sentences you have it in first person pov as a way to get inside Vance's thoughts. "My first Pokémon, I am going to become the best with you. I guarantee it." for instance. For instance, perhaps itcalizing them to distinguish between Vance's thoughts and the third person narrative.

Couple other comments:

"Very nice to meet you, Vance," she said with a smile. She was very pretty, with long brown hair and beautiful green eyes.

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You already mentioned Professor Willow being attractive, so the "she was pretty" part isn't needed I don't think.

The ball opened and with a flash of light, Charmander appeared. It stood at about two feet tall. Vance first noticed the ever-famous flame burning bright on its tail. It exclaimed "Charmander!" with great excitement when it saw its brand new trainer. Vance was overjoyed at this.

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Since this is a big deal for Vance getting his first Pokemon, there should be some sort of reaction from him. Embracing his Charmander for instance.

While this started off as the other various journey fics, still interesting to see an older Oak there (I thought he retired already, lol) and cute he got a Charmander. Looking forward to more!

Bay Alexison said:

One think I noticed is for some sentences you have it in first person pov as a way to get inside Vance's thoughts. "My first Pokémon, I am going to become the best with you. I guarantee it." for instance. For instance, perhaps itcalizing them to distinguish between Vance's thoughts and the third person narrative.

Couple other comments:



You already mentioned Professor Willow being attractive, so the "she was pretty" part isn't needed I don't think.



Since this is a big deal for Vance getting his first Pokemon, there should be some sort of reaction from him. Embracing his Charmander for instance.

While this started off as the other various journey fics, still interesting to see an older Oak there (I thought he retired already, lol) and cute he got a Charmander. Looking forward to more!

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Thanks for the continued feedback and sorry again for not getting back!

First, italics is totally my fault since I forgot about having to format for PC D: but I've fixed it for this next chapter that I have.

I definitely enjoy the feedback about describing events. I'm pretty sure my thinking with describing Willow was to have Vance observe her as "fairly attractive" from a distance, but then see how pretty she is once he gets closer to her. Looking now though, I definitely didn't do that well.

Anyway, here's Chapter 2!

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"Wow, a Pidgey!"

Vance set out for Route 1, this time looking for Pokémon he could catch. After a short walk, he found a strong-looking Pidgey that he wanted to catch.

"Alright, Charmander, let's catch this one!" He tossed the Pokéball and Charmander appeared, ready to battle.

"Charmander, use Ember!" Charmander shot bolts of fire at Pidgey, which clearly damaged it a good bit. Pidgey flew up and charged into Charmander with great force, knocking it down.

"Wow, an Aerial Ace! Alright Charmander, use Slash!" Charmander ran up to Pidgey and scratched it with sharp claws. Pidgey looked visibly tired, and Vance knew this was his chance.

"Pokéball, go!" Vance tossed the ball at Pidgey. It was overtaken by a red light and went into the ball. Vance waited nervously for the ball to stop shaking and the red light to go out. He really wanted this strong Pidgey to be his first Pokémon caught. After what seemed like hours, the light went out, the ball stopped shaking, and Pidgey was his.

"Yes! Way to go Charmander, we made our first catch!"

"Charmander, Char!" Charmander was just as excited as Vance.

They continued on their way into Viridian City and arrived at the Pokémon Center fairly quickly. After healing up, he went back out to Route 1 to battle a few wild Pokémon with Charmander and Pidgey for training. He trained for most of the day until nightfall came, then went back to the Pokémon Center to stay for the night.

"You guys did great today. I can't wait to keep on winning battles. I know you guys have what it takes to be winners. We're gonna be the greatest one day, right guys?"

"Pidge!" "Char!"

Vance awoke fairly early in the morning well rested after a good night's sleep. The training from the previous day made it easy for him to fall asleep as he and his Pokémon were very tired. He was ready to set out for Viridian Forest, but was stopped by another kid about his age.

"Hey, you have two Pokémon?"

"Yeah. Why, what's up?"

"The name's Isaac. I came over from the Johto region and I'm looking to battle someone. Haven't been in a trainer battle and I want to give it a shot. You game?"

"Sure," Vance said, "I've never battled another trainer either. Where shall we go?"

They decided to go to Route 22, where there was a fair bit of room for a battle.

"Alright, Pidgey," Vance said, "start things off!"

Pidgey came out of its Pokéball ready for battle.

"Pidgey, huh? A beginner's Pokémon. Alright, then I choose Cyndaquil!"

Isaac tossed a Pokéball that revealed a small, dark blue mouse with fire engulfing its back.

Cyndaquil, Vance thought, never heard of that one before. Must be one of the ones from Johto.

"Here we go Pidgey! Start with Quick Attack!"

Pidgey flew quickly at Cyndaquil and struck a minor blow.

"Cyndaquil! Use Ember!"

Cyndaquil shot bolts of fire at Pidgey, but Pidgey managed to dodge, learning from it's previous battle with Charmander.

"Pidgey, Aerial Ace!"

Isaac was shocked at Pidgey's ability to use Aerial Ace, since he believed it was nothing but a weak first-catch Pokémon. Pidgey flew up, then dive-bombed at Cyndaquil with great speed, landing a direct hit and knocking Cyndaquil out of the battle.

"Whoa, that's no beginner's Pidgey. That was impressive."

"Thanks, Isaac," Vance said, "I caught it for that reason."

"Cyndaquil, return. You did a great job, take a nice rest. My next Pokémon will be Squirtle!"

Isaac tossed a Pokéball and revealed a small, blue turtle Pokémon.

Pidgey's gotta win this, Vance thought, if it goes down, I doubt Charmander is gonna be able to beat a Water-type.

"Pidgey, start off with Gust!"

Pidgey flapped its wings rapidly and blew Squirtle backwards, causing it to lose its balance.

"Squirtle, use Water Gun!"

Squirtle shot a stream of water at Pidgey, hitting it dead on and knocking it out of the air.

"Hang on Pidgey, use Aerial Ace!"

After getting it's balance, Pidgey again flew up and gathered speed, then charged down at Squirtle with great force. It landed a direct hit, but unlike Cyndaquil, Squirtle took the hit and managed to get back up.

"Squirtle, finish it off with Iron Tail!"

Squirtle made an impressive leap and with a tail that turned silver and shiny, whacked Pidgey dead on, knocking it down and out of the battle.

"Return, Pidgey," Vance said, "Good job. you fought hard to knock Cyndaquil out."

Vance was down to just his Charmander and he had his doubts.

Well, here goes nothing. "Charmander, come on out!"

"Charmander, Char!" Charmander, though at a disadvantage, looked as determined as ever to earn Vance his first victory against an opponent.

"Charmander, eh? A great Pokémon, but at a disadvantage to my Squirtle! Let's win this Squirtle!"

"Charmander, do your best! Use Ember!"

Charmander shot a small stream of flames at Squirtle, landing a hit, but not effecting Squirtle very much.

"Squirtle, use Water Gun!"

Squirtle shot a stream of water at Charmander, landing a severe hit on it. Charmander looked severely weakened, but still had the will to continue.

"Charmander, we can do this. Use Slash!"

Charmander ran up to Squirtle and scratched it, doing a good amount of damage.

"Water Gun, Squirtle!"

"Dodge, Charmander!"

Squirtle shot another stream at Charmander, but Charmander managed to dodge this time.

"Let's beat the odds Charmander! Finish up with another Slash!"

Still dodging streams of water, Charmander rushed in and scratched Squirtle with all its strength, this time knocking Squirtle out of the battle.

"Wow, Vance," Isaac said, astounded, "that is one tough Charmander. Never seen fire beat water like that until now. Guess that just proves that even with a Water-type Pokémon, you're still not fireproof."

"Thanks, Isaac," he said as the two shook hands, "your Squirtle isn't too shabby either. And that Cyndaquil, is that from Johto?"

"Yup," Isaac said, "got it from my dad as a parting gift before coming to Kanto. I thought about traveling through Johto, but I decided to come through Kanto first. I was always a fan of Red and I wanted to take a journey just like his."

"I'm a fan of Red's too," Vance said, "and I would love to go through the Johto region one day. I know there are so many more Pokémon out there to catch. One day!"

Vance and Isaac returned to the Pokémon Center to heal up. While waiting, they discussed the new journey ahead of them. It was a big step for them at age sixteen and they knew there was a lot ahead of them, but both of them were determined to reach the goal of being the Pokémon League Champion. Isaac said he one day wanted to become a Gym Leader, even if that meant cutting his journey short by a bit. They both planned to set out for Viridian Forest the next day. They agreed it would be necessary to wait after a battle and healing because it would take nearly a whole day to navigate the entire forest. Instead, they went back out to Route 1 to train.

Just before nightfall, Vance noticed a small blue Pokémon sitting next to the pond with no arms and a light blue tail. When it turned around, Vance noticed the spiral pattern on its belly.

"You guys did great today. I can't wait to keep on winning battles. I know you guys have what it takes to be winners. We're gonna be the greatest one day, right guys?"

"Pidge!" "Char!"

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Bolded part I feel you could have written something like, "Both of Vance's Pokemon let out excited cries" or something similar.

Isaac was shocked at Pidgey's ability to use Aerial Ace, since he believed it was nothing but a weak first-catch Pokémon. Pidgey flew up, then dive-bombed at Cyndaquil with great speed, landing a direct hit and knocking Cyndaquil out of the battle.

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For this sentence I think you can have the bolded part be the second sentence instead and then describe Isaac's body language/facial expression to show that he was shocked. "Vance glanced at Isaac to see his eyes wide and jaws dropped" for instance.

Squirtle shot a stream of water at Charmander, landing a severe hit on it. Charmander looked severely weakened, but still had the will to continue.

"Charmander, we can do this. Use Slash!"

Charmander ran up to Squirtle and scratched it, doing a good amount of damage.

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This bit I think the description could be worked on. Perhaps you can have Charmander breathing hard after being hit with the water gun, but growled in determination to show he's still standing. You can also mention while Charmander scratched Squirtle, some scratched marks were visible.

I admit, I'm kinda surprised Vance is sixteen. I thought he would be a few years younger, so it does makes me wonder why he waited until later to start his journey. Don't worry, I'm not going to be one of those people that will go "Why are there teenagers traveling late they must be ten/eleven because canon." Heck, I even beta'ed a finished fic of a character that started their journey much later. Still, since Vance wants to be like Red I would think he would want to start his journey sooner.

Even though this is a standard first battle, it was nice to see Vance and Isaac get along nicely like that. Isaac seems like he'll have potential to be an interesting character, so hopefully he'll appear more (assuming they'll make their separate ways after Virdian Forest)(. Looking forward to more!

There's not anything else I can say about the prologue that Bardothren and Bay haven't so I hope you don't mind that I'll skip it here.

Chapter One

Vance found sleep hard to catch that night as he was filled with excitement for his new Pokémon. He already knew which Pokémon he was going to choose, and he couldn't wait to go pick it out at Oak's lab. When he finally did fall asleep, he dreamed of battling Red's Charizard with a Gyarados. In a close match, Gyarados came out on top, although Charizard had put up a great fight against a water-type. Vance was in awe as he shook his idol's hand, but was disappointed when he realized it was only a dream.

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Vance dreams big. I like that

"Hey Vance!" Vance's dad came down shortly after, "you ready to start the big Journey?"

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The way you wrote that sentence, it would've been better to just give it a full stop instead of a comma. It would've been different if you had written, say, "Vance's dad came down shortly after, continuing, 'you ready...'"

The ball opened and with a flash of light, Charmander appeared. It stood at about two feet tall. Vance first noticed the ever-famous flame burning bright on its tail. It exclaimed "Charmander!" with great excitement when it saw its brand new trainer. Vance was overjoyed at this.

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Vance is such a Poke-fanatic that I know he already knows what Charmander looks like, so why's it being described like it's something never seen before?

Chapter Two

Vance set out for Route 1, this time looking for Pokémon he could catch. After a short walk, he found a strong-looking Pidgey that he wanted to catch.

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I'd like to hear more of Vance's thoughts here. Like, he's going on a journey, something he's been avidly dreaming about, so he should be all over the place excited and stuff.

"The name's Isaac. I came over from the Johto region and I'm looking to battle someone. Haven't been in a trainer battle and I want to give it a shot. You game?"

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Was Vance the first guy he ran into or something, or was that just the place Isaac landed at coming from Johto?

"Wow, Vance," Isaac said, astounded, "that is one tough Charmander. Never seen fire beat water like that until now. Guess that just proves that even with a Water-type Pokémon, you're still not fireproof."

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Haha, I like that

Thanks for the continued feedback everyone! I am noting all of this for if/when I decide to revise and push on with this fic and for future fics as well.

This upcoming chapter feels quite cliche honestly reading it back, but I promised to post the original as-is, so here you go!


"Poliwag!" the small Pokémon exclaimed when it saw Vance.

"It's a Poliwag. I could use a Water-type on my team, and eventually this one evolves into Poliwrath. Alright Pidgey, come on out!"

Vance tossed a Pokéball and Pidgey emerged, ready to battle.

"Pidgey, let's do this quickly. Use Aerial Ace!"

Pidgey dove at Poliwag swiftly and knocked it over. Poliwag got to its feet and sprayed a stream of bubbles at Pidgey, giving Pidgey a good surprise.

"Let's catch this, Pidgey, use Gust!"

Pidgey flapped its wings quickly, blowing the Poliwag into a nearby tree. It was visibly weak and ready to be captured.

"Pokéball, go!" Vance tossed the ball and after a few shakes, the red light went out and Poliwag belonged to Vance.

"Nice catch, Vance," Isaac said, clapping, "Poliwag will make a great addition to your team."

"Thanks, Isaac. I look forward to using it in battle."

Isaac and Vance went back to the Pokémon Center to heal up and stay for the night, then set out for Viridian Forest in the morning. They stopped at the Pokémart on the way to pick up a few last minute items. Before they left, they were caught from behind by a young girl's voice.

"Hey, can I ask you guys a question?"

They turned around to see a beautiful girl around their age with brown hair and blue eyes. Vance was a bit starstruck, but he recovered and said "of course, what is it?"

"Are you guys going through Viridian Forest?" she asked with a slight smile.

"Yeah, we are," Vance replied, "why do you ask?"

"I'm going through too, but I don't want to go by myself. I was wondering if I could go with you?"

Vance turned to Isaac, they both shrugged, and agreed. "I see no problems, tag along!"

"Thanks," she said, smiling, "my name is Scarlett, and you are?"

"I'm Vance."

"And I'm Isaac. It's nice to meet you."

"Same to you guys."

Vance and Scarlett stared at each other smiling for a short while, until Isaac said "Um, are we ready?" They made their way into the forest. It was very dark as the density of the trees blocked out much of the sunlight from getting through. Many bug Pokémon, including Weedle and Caterpie, dwelled in the forest. There was also another Pokémon that lived in the forest, but finding one was very rare. Vance, Isaac, and Scarlett used a map they bought at the Pokémon Center to find their way through the forest, which was a long maze that was easy to get lost in.

"I hope we don't get attacked by Beedrill," Isaac said.

"Knock it off, Isaac," Scarlett said sharply, "I'm scared enough of this place. It gives me the creeps."

"Maybe that will change your mind," Vance said, looking distinctly ahead of him.

"Pika," said a small yellow mouse with red cheeks and a zigzag tail.

"Wow! A Pikachu," Scarlett exclaimed, "I'm gonna catch it!"

Scarlett pulled out a Pokéball and tossed it. "Go, Bulbasaur!"

Bulbasaur, a small green Pokémon with a large bulb on its back, appeared ready to battle.

"Use Vine Whip!"

Bulbasaur shot out its vines and smacked Pikachu around, causing it visible pain. Pikachu responded by zapping Bulbasaur with its Thundershock.

"Bulbasaur, use Razor Leaf!"

Bulbasaur shot sharp leaves out of its bulb, sending them flying at Pikachu, knocking it down. It struggled to get up, visibly weak.

"Pokéball, go!"

Scarlett tossed a Pokéball at Pikachu, and after a few seconds, Pikachu was hers.

"Well, dang," Isaac said, "lightning crashes right in front of us. Pikachu is pretty rare in this forest. You were pretty lucky to have come across it."

"Yup, and it has the perfect place on my team."

They continued on and were almost out of the forest, but they noticed a young girl in a panic looking around frantically.

"Hey," Vance said when they approached, "what's wrong?"

"I was in here with my Nidoran when we were attacked by a bunch of Beedrill. She tried to fight them off but wasn't able to and they took her. I can't find her anywhere!"

"We'll help," Isaac said, "Vance, you should send out Pidgey to take a look from the sky."

"Great idea, go Pidgey! We're looking for a female Nidoran taken hostage by a swarm of Beedrill, see what you can find and come back if you do."

Pidgey flew over the forest, looking for any sign of Nidoran or the Beedrill. After a long flight, it ended up in the easternmost part of the forest when it spotted Nidoran resting under a tree full of Beedrill. It quickly flew back to Vance to report its findings.

"I hope he comes back soon," Vance said, "he's been gone for a while, I hope he finds something."

Just then, Pidgey swooped down, chirping loudly.

"What'd you find, Pidge?"

"Pidge, Pidgey!" It pointed toward the area it found Nidoran, but motioned to be cautious as there were Beedrill in the area.

"Alright guys, we need a plan," Vance said.

"We could try burning them all with our Fire-types," Isaac said with confidence.

"That won't work," Scarlett said, "they'll be outnumbered. We need to sneak in and grab Nidoran, then lure them back to us so we can take them all down."

"Let's get close before we do anything," Vance said, "Pidgey, lead us there."

They followed a small path into the forest until they were within 100 yards of the tree, in which Pidgey stopped them from going any farther.

"I have an idea," Scarlett said, "I can send my Bulbasaur in there to grab Nidoran with its vines. If successful, we may make it out without waking the Beedrill. If not, we can be ready with our Pokémon."

"Sounds good to me," Isaac replied.

"Me too," Vance said, "let's give it a shot."

Bulbasaur wondered up to the tree, staying as far as it could while still being able to reach with its vines. It grabbed Nidoran and brought it in quickly, then turned to make an escape. Unfortunately, Nidoran yelped out of fear, waking up a few of the Beedrill.

"They woke up," Vance said, "ready your Pokémon!"

"Go, Cyndaquil and Squirtle!" Isaac's Cyndaquil and Squirtle came out ready.

"Charmander, Poliwag, let's do this!" Vance's Charmander and Poliwag stood ready.

"Go, Pikachu and Eevee!" Scarlett said, tossing two Pokéballs

"Eevee?!"

Both Vance and Isaac were shocked. How could a beginning Pokémon trainer have an Eevee so early on in her journey?

The Beedrill approached quickly as Bulbasaur ran as fast as it could, attempting to rescue Nidoran.

"Charmander, Ember! Poliwag, Bubblebeam!"

"Cyndaquil, Ember! Squirtle, Water Gun!"

"Pikachu, Thundershock! Eevee, Shadow Ball!"

The six Pokémon worked together, knocking down the Beedrill one by one. Bulbasaur made it back and reunited the Nidoran with its young trainer, who hugged it tighter than ever. The attack forced the Beedrill to retreat, giving the victory to Vance, Isaac, and Scarlett.

"Thank you guys so much," the young girl said, "can I follow you out of the forest?"

"Absolutely," Vance said, "although I don't suggest you ever come in here by yourself again. That was quite dangerous."

"I won't, I promise!"

They made their way out of the forest and into Pewter City. The young girl thanked them again and headed off. The trio went to the Pokémon Center to heal up and stay for the night.

Vance was eager to battle the Gym in town and win his first Gym Badge and get one step closer to his dream of winning in the Pokémon League. Another thought crossed his mind: Scarlett. He was put in a daze when he first saw her; he kept playing the scene over in his head. Long brown hair, bright blue eyes, pale skin. He knew he wanted her, but he didn't want to rush things. He also wondered how she could've gotten an Eevee so early on in her journey…

I noticed for both Poliwag and Pikachu battle, you have the phrase "visibly weak." Somewhat repetitive, I suggest mixing up phrases when you have a Pokemon near fainting/fainiting.

"Great idea, go Pidgey! We're looking for a female Nidoran taken hostage by a swarm of Beedrill, see what you can find and come back if you do."

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Between this dialogue there should be a mention of Vance releasing Pidgey from its pokeball. Otherwise the transition is weird when reading next paragraph.

"Go, Cyndaquil and Squirtle!" Isaac's Cyndaquil and Squirtle came out ready.

"Charmander, Poliwag, let's do this!" Vance's Charmander and Poliwag stood ready.

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"Came out ready" and "Stood ready" also sounds repetitive.

You're right this chapter is slight on the cliche side, but it's still fun to see Vance, Isaac, and Scarlett helping out another trainer. Speaking of Scarlett, woah slow done Vance. Him having a crush on her is okay, but "He knew he wanted her" does seem he's planning a bit too fast there (even if you mentioned he doesn't want to rush things). Guess I would rather have him get to know her better before thinking those things. Otherwise, I too wonder how she got an Eevee. Probably she too was from another region? Looking forward to more!

Bay Alexison said:

I noticed for both Poliwag and Pikachu battle, you have the phrase "visibly weak." Somewhat repetitive, I suggest mixing up phrases when you have a Pokemon near fainting/fainiting.



Between this dialogue there should be a mention of Vance releasing Pidgey from its pokeball. Otherwise the transition is weird when reading next paragraph.



"Came out ready" and "Stood ready" also sounds repetitive.

You're right this chapter is slight on the cliche side, but it's still fun to see Vance, Isaac, and Scarlett helping out another trainer. Speaking of Scarlett, woah slow done Vance. Him having a crush on her is okay, but "He knew he wanted her" does seem he's planning a bit too fast there (even if you mentioned he doesn't want to rush things). Guess I would rather have him get to know her better before thinking those things. Otherwise, I too wonder how she got an Eevee. Probably she too was from another region? Looking forward to more!

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Yeah, "he knew he wanted her" was quite a strong phrase for the feeling, I suppose "he knew he was interested" or something to show more subtle feelings would help to show his interest while still illustrating that he wants to take things slow.

Time for a bit of new drama!


"Mr. Cole, we await our next assignment."

Aaron Cole sat at his desk looking at Paige and Alexander, his executives, through his computer screen. They had just finished an assignment in Celadon City and were ready for their next task.

"So, you're all set up in the former Rocket Hideout?" "Yes, sir."

"Very nice, Alex. Then you guys will go to Mt. Moon in search of Clefairy and the Moon Stone."

"The Moon Stone," Alex said, "the rare stone said to have descended from space long ago?"

"Yes, that's the one. Before you go, you should make an entrance at the Mt. Moon Pokémon Center. Many people travel to explore Mt. Moon, so you're bound to get some rare Pokémon from some of the trainers there. Smoke them out, grab their Pokémon, then run for the cave. I'll have some men inside the cave, so if you get in trouble, retreat and you'll have backup if you get chased."

"Pardon me, sir."

"Yes, Paige?"

"Say we get into a battle and lose," Paige said, "then what is Plan B?"

"Lose the battle?! Don't give me that nonsense! There is no Plan B. You best not lose that battle, or we will all have to answer to Mr. Lombardi!"

Paige and Alex shuddered at this. Mr. Lombardi was a powerful man who was greatly experienced in the crime business. He helped create the Arcane Cadets, and they did not want to see him pissed off.

"Yes, sir," Paige said, "we will not let you down."

"That's more like it," Aaron said, "depart for Pewter immediately and wait for my signal to ambush the Pokémon Center near Mt. Moon. Do not do anything until I say so, understood?"

"Yes, sir," they both said.

"Very well. You are dismissed."

Aaron ended the video call with Paige and Alex and immediately made another.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Seamus, it's Aaron Cole of the Cadets."

"Hello, sir, what can I do for you?"

"What is the status of the girl?"

"She is traveling with two boys about the same age as her. They just made their way into Pewter City from the forest."

"Pewter? I just sent my two execs there on assignment. Keep an eye on her. I may wait to launch this attack until she's in the crosshairs. Thank you, Seamus."

Aaron ended the call and sat back in his chair, petting his Houndoom.

"If I launch an attack when she's in range, Mr. Lombardi will be very pleased. He will finally get his revenge on the daughter of the one that ruined him 20 years ago! And he will have me to thank for it."

===

Vance, Isaac, and Scarlett departed the Pokémon Center in the morning to do some more training before going to the Gym.

"Poliwag! Finish it with Bubblebeam!"

Vance's Poliwag shot a forceful stream of bubbles at the opponent's Beedrill, knocking it out to finish the match.

"Good job Vance," the trainer said, "your Poliwag is impressive, along with your battle techniques.

"Thanks, John," Vance said as they shook hands, "Way to go, Poliwag!"

"Poliwag!" It cheered after its victory, and then suddenly stopped. It glowed white and started to grow. Its tail went away in exchange for two arms. It looked much stronger now, making Vance excited.

"Whirl, Poliwhirl!"

"Yes! It evolved," Vance exclaimed, "Poliwhirl, awesome!"

"That helps you a lot," Scarlett said, "since Brock is a Rock-type Gym Leader. Now you have some real firepower for him."

After healing up at the Pokémon Center, they made their way to the Gym. The building was completely made of stone, attributing to Brock's use of Rock-type Pokémon. An electronic bell rang at their entrance, which summoned Brock to them.

"So, I have challengers," Brock said, "names?"

"I'm Vance."

"The name's Isaac."

"And I'm Scarlett."

"Ah Scarlett," Brock said, "I remember battling your dad 20 years ago. He was a great trainer, and I'm sure he still is. Is he doing well?"

20 years ago, Vance thought, and a great trainer? What the heck is going on here?

"Pretty well, yes. Still working hard at his trade."

"I imagine he is. He wouldn't be himself if he didn't. Now, which of you will battle first?"

They all looked at each other as if they expected the others to speak up instead. Finally, Vance stepped forward. "I'll go first, then."

"Very well, right this way."

Brock led them to the battlefield, which was covered with rocks all over. Vance took his place across the ring from Brock. Isaac and Scarlett took a set on small set of bleachers on the sidelines. A referee came out and addressed the rules of the match.

"Each trainer will use three Pokémon. Only the challenger may switch Pokémon mid-battle. There will be no time limit. Let the battle begin!"

"Go, Geodude!" Brock tossed his Pokéball and out came a Pokémon that looked like a small boulder with arms. "Geodude!"

"Alright then, go Charmander!"

"Charmander, Char!"

"I wonder," Isaac said, "he has Poliwhirl, but is he not taking the chance that it would sweep right through Brock's team?"

"Must not be," Scarlett replied, "but also remember that Charmander has Metal Claw and Pidgey has Steel Wing, both of which are strong against Rock-types."

"Charmander, use Ember to start it off!"

Charmander fired small bolts of fire at Geodude, which landed a hit, but didn't seem to shake Geodude much.

"Geodude, Rock Throw!"

Geodude threw many small rocks at Charmander, who tried valiantly to dodge, but was unable. It was greatly weakened by the blow.

"You can do it, use Iron Tail!"

"Iron Tail?!"

Isaac and Scarlett were shocked. They didn't realize Charmander had learned Iron Tail. Charmander's tail turned shiny and it smacked Geodude head on with full force. Geodude wasn't out, but it definitely felt that hit.

"Geodude, tackle it!"

Geodude charged at Charmander and knocked it to the ground with full force. Charmander managed to get up, but was visibly weak.

"This is it, Charmander. Use Flamethrower!"

Isaac and Scarlett were yet again surprised as Charmander shot a full-power flame attack at Geodude, knocking it down for good.

"Geodude is unable to battle, Charmander is the winner!"

"Return, Geodude," Brock said, "you've done very well as always. Now, go, Larvitar!"

From the Pokéball emerged a green Pokémon about two feet tall with a long horn on it's head and looking very fierce despite being so small.

"Alright Charmander, return," Vance called, "take a break in case I need you for the end."

"So now to Poliwhirl or Pidgey?" Scarlett asked.

"Probably Pidgey," Isaac replied, "He's gonna need Poliwhirl for Brock's last Pokémon."

"Pidgey, come on out!"

Pidgey emerged and quickly locked eyes with Larvitar. Neither Pokémon wanted to go down in this battle.

"Pidgey, start it off with Gust!"

Pidgey flapped its wings, thrusting a strong wind at Larvitar, but it barely seemed to budge.

"Larvitar, use Rock Slide!"

Larvitar summoned an avalanche of rocks and sent it Pidgey's way. Pidgey dodged the best it could, but was hit by a few of the rocks and was knocked down.

Not good, Flying-types are weak against Rock attacks. "Pidgey, use Steel Wi-huh?"

As Pidgey stood up, it glowed white and evolved into Pidgeotto. It flew up high, its wings glowing, then struck Larvitar with the Steel Wing attack that Vance had begun to order. Larvitar fell over, clearly weakened, but managed to get back to its feet

"Larvitar, hit it with Dark Pulse!"

Larvitar's eyes turned red and the room became dim. Larvitar was sending pulses of energy toward Pidgeotto, making it suffer greatly. When the attack was over, Pidgeotto was struggling to stay airborne, and was forced to land.

"Pidgeotto, return." Vance decided that he should move on to his best Pokémon for this fight. Pidgeotto and Charmander were still available later because they were not declared to be out of the battle. "Poliwhirl, you're up!"

Poliwhirl emerged ready to battle. It had the type advantage for the rest of the battle, but that meant nothing to Brock.

"Larvitar, use Brick Break!"

Larvitar charged and was ready to hit Poliwhirl with it's small fist.

"Poliwhirl, counter with Ice Punch!"

Poliwhirl's fist became covered in ice and the two punches collided. Both Pokémon were sent flying backwards.

"Larvitar may be small, but it weighs over 100 lbs, making it hard to counter."

Still, Larvitar clearly took the worse blow. It's fist was now frozen in place, and he could make no use of it.

"Larvitar, use Dark Pulse!"

The room darkened again, but Vance was ready.

"Poliwhirl, use Bubblebeam!"

Poliwhirl shot its stream of bubbles, breaking up the waves that Larvitar was emitting.

"Let's finish this, use Mud Shot!"

Poliwhirl shot a stream of mud from its mouth, hitting Larvitar head on. It tried to recover, but could not regain its strength enough to continue.

"Larvitar is unable to battle, Poliwhirl is the winner!"

Vance and Poliwhirl cheered along with Isaac and Scarlett on the bleachers. They were down to Brock's last Pokémon, but what came next seemed unfathomable.

"Alright, Steelix, it's up to you!"

Lose the battle?! Don't give me that nonsense! There is no Plan B. You best not lose that battle, or we will all have to answer to Mr. Lombardi!"

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No Plan B, huh? I'm sure that'll bite them back hard later.

"That's more like it," Aaron said, "depart for Pewter immediately and wait for my signal to ambush the Pokémon Center near Mt. Moon. Do not do anything until I say so, understood?"

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So I probably should have mentioned this way earlier but didn't as this can be your milage may vary. I noticed a lot of times whenever you have dialogue tag in the middle of the dialogue you write like that. While it's not necessairly wrong, in this instance it seems as if aaron is talking without stopping. If have the dialogue without the dialogue tag-

"That's more like it, depart for Pewter immediately and wait for my signal to ambush the Pokémon Center near Mt. Moon. Do not do anything until I say so, understood?"

Me personally, I would write it more like this to get the dialogue more flavor.

"That's more like it!" Aaron said. "Depart for Pewter immediately and wait for my signal to ambush the Pokémon Center near Mt. Moon. Do not do anything until I say so, understood?"

Noticed how I have the second sentence in the dialogue, "Depart for.." with depart captalized. It's okay to have dialogue written like that, too.

"Good job Vance," the trainer said, "your Poliwag is impressive, along with your battle techniques."

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Another dialogue I feel could be written better like this-

"Good job Vance," the trainer said. "Your Poliwag is impressive, along with your battle techniques."

I won't go through all of the dialogue and suggest it should be written this way, but something to consider I guess, heh. Hopefully my explaination is good enough.

Geodude threw many small rocks at Charmander, who tried valiantly to dodge, but was unable. It was greatly weakened by the blow.

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Yeah this part here could benefit a bit more description. Like mentioning the rocks hitting him several places.

Onto the battle, I would have thought there would be more of a reaction from Isaac and Scarlett when Pidgeotto evolved. Brock finishing off with Steelix, huh? Vance will probably not have a good time dealing with that Pokemon, yup. Oh, concerning Scarlett...



The battle could use a bit more polish, but still enjoyable overall. Looking forward to the battle's conclusion.