@ Origami
?Origami? it was called, for the girl called herself that.
very awkward syntax... pretty sure it's grammatically incorrect. There is a very likely chance that you got a grammatical error if 2 nouns are side by side, like in the beginning of this sentence.
-christen is used with a wrong connotation... in terms of dictorial meaning, yes you've used it correctly as to christen means to name. However, the connotation of the word suggests a theme of holiness (as in a religious term, not just someone who do good deeds.) Also, christen is usually used to address either a human being (to christen a baby) or a grand construction (to christen a ship).
As well, since Origami can be refered to both the girl and the art, that sentence is rather unclear in terms of which Origami is being talked about. Right now, "Newly christened Origami" means "the new born child Origami" which isn't making sense as later in the story we know that Origami goes to school...
-don't need the "and" before the "then" in the 3rd paragraph
-a few run-on sentences... be careful about having 2 verbs in the same clause
-be careful when you're addressing to paper... keep it singular or plural all the way through in this case.
If they used it, then that was that.
so what is "that"... watch out when you're using pronouns if you're being clear enough.
-paper used to write/fold with actually got no "s" for their plural form... papers refer to documents/exams.
-astuteness is against used out of its connotation. Astuteness does mean the ability to dwell deeply in an idea, but it is usually related to business, or even worst, machiavellian beliefs.
-some diction choices are weird and can be further refined as well... such as
Make is a very commonly used verb and isn't very strong. Short sentences are indeed used for emphasizes with a strong sense of "power." However, it loses its effectiveness if it is used too often or if the word choices are not strong and defined/specific enough.
-some parts are wordy and a bit redundant... they can take away from your story a lot.
She could glue on two black beads, and people would automatically assume it was a child?s toy.
Conjunctions are used to link 2 phrases/short sentences with similiar ideas into one. In this case however, there are no similiar ideas. The two phrases are unrelated with one another...
-you want "they were hers" instead of "her" as "hers" show possession.
-it's "its" not "its'"
-"happy" needs a period or elipses to follow after it... all sentences, intended run-ons or not, need punctuations XD
-the ending is slightly unclear... as the idea of "blue beads" are never mentioned anywhere but that one line. Sometimes the readers may get it from thinking over the 151 Pokemon, but not everyone will do so. Simply by inserting that same phrase elsewhere within your story so readers will realize that the ending is alluding to a previously read passage should solve the problem.
Good Points:
-another original approach at a Pokemon oneshot
-good/fair amount of support is shown for the theme
-story element and all characters are coherent throughout the story
Focuses to Improve On:
-grammar
-choice of diction: be sure to check the connotations too before using the word
-some parts are redundant and are unnecessarily wordy
Grammar Basics: 7/10
Characterization: 15/20
Coherence/Readability: 10/10
Tone/Structure: 14/20
Diction: 11/20
Effort/Originality: 16/20
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (alliteration on key phrase)
Total: 74
