Parents, dating the Devil (according to you)

I used to harbour a lot of resentment towards my parents, but as I've grown older a lot of that has faded to an extent. Growing up, my parents have always believed in academic excellence - whilst this is not to the same extent as other Asian families, it was one that I felt resentful towards when I was younger because I would spend hours at tutoring - up to 6 or 7 hours at tutoring on Saturday and 4 hours on Sunday which was my weekends for at least 5 years or so. I was also pushed to achieve the best grades possible and whilst I think my parents meant well, it created a lot of stress and anxiety for me also when my parents would lose their temper because my results hadn't met their expectations etc. It did help me to become more hardworking and driven for certain, but it has also created a lot of unnecessary stress which I feel like could have been avoided to some extent.

Also my parents generally have always been short-tempered and I feel like that partially contributes to why I hate people raising their voice. Maybe subconsciously it reminds me of them yelling but I've always had a low tolerance for people who sound annoyed or are talking above a reasonable volume.

I feel like also to some extent, my parents have promoted us hiding strong emotions in our household. Our family doesn't openly talk about issues such as mental health and my dad in particular, seems strongly against the idea of discussing it. I feel like part of the reason is that he doesn't believe in such issues existing. Also in regard to fighting back in terms of arguments etc. it has always been pointless to try to argue back with my parents, and I've had to learn to just conceal any anger and keep calm in those instances. So I guess in a sense that led to me very unhealthily coping with things like negative emotions etc. yikes

My parents have become a lot more mellow and I also do love them in that they do look after me well in other aspects, but those are the biggest things I could think to criticise.

Wouldnt be as bad if he just sat me down and talked to me sometimes instead of just yelling at me then grounding me over the littlest of things. Like my teacher emailed him about me being on my phone and her telling me to get to work many times, she told me that once, maybe twice. Since when does many times mean once or twice? Also shes the kind of teacher who doesnt care if you are on your phone as long as your work gets done. I get my work done and I turn it in. He also has time limits on my stuff, weekends its 2 hours on computer, 1 hour on my console. School nights its one hour on computer, one hour on console. Now the school night one makes sense, i get home about 3 something pm, and go to bed at 9pm, so 6 hours total I am home, so only 4 hours of nothing to do or otherwise not on my stuff. But on weekends i get a total of 3 hours, i usually wake up about 8 am and go to bed at about 10 pm. So thats about 14 hours I am awake, take away 3 hours and im sitting there for 11 hours with barely anything to do. I dont have many friends to go and visit, my dad doesnt want my friends over either due to the house being a mess. Im at the point of just talking to myself and watching TV, but TV is starting to get boring honestly. I can read a book, but everytime I try i can never get into one, I am just not much of a book reader.

Eh, you guys are young still. At 17, you're not even out of the house yet. Wait another 10 years; that's when the resentment really starts to fester – if your parents truly were horrible, that is. From where I'm sitting, having time limits on your electronics and being grounded for what you perceive as trivial matters isn't grounds for calling yourself emotionally scarred just yet.

I'd trade any of your parental situations for mine, in a nanosecond. Granted, one is in prison, and I live 7,000 km from any family I have on this earth now, but I always wonder what my mental health would be like if the worst thing I could say about my father is that he put limits on my electronics and had a short fuse.

The worst I can say hes done is threatened to punch me, he hasnt actually punched me yet because he knows either I or my mom will call the police or something. He has gotten really close, twice. One time he punched the wall saying it was my face, then another time he was right up in my face asking if I wanted to me punched. I almost said go ahead, I dare you, see where you end up, but I didnt wanna entice him. I probably stated this quite a few times, at least once in this thread, but for those who havent read it yet.
So earlier, at about 2:14 pm, he decides to tell me to get off my xbox because i been on it all day. One, i didnt get on it until 10:40 am, two i took a break from 12 pm to 1 pm. So I only been on for three hours. Ever since I started trying to get a say in things to him, his logic has gotten worse and worse. Before his logic was actually something that made sense, now he just says things just to say things. Fun fact, he likes to call my eletronics as "s h i t".
Anyone know how to deal with parents that dont give you a say and makes you feel like someone who is scared to talk to them? I need some advice on how to deal with this.

I think you need to grow up a little more and learn to empathize and articulate. To me, it sounds like they care about you a lot and you take every amount of discipline as abuse. If your dad says you've been on the Xbox all day, it's probably hyperbole, but he sets these limitations because he wants you to succeed. And if he knows you're on your phone during class, maybe you do need to spend some extra time studying and not online, yeah? This may come as a surprise but well functioning and mindful parents don't do things completely arbitrarily (yes, there are exceptions).

No, it's not okay for him to threaten you. It's not okay for him to hit you. But it's not okay for you to be an indignant little smart ass either. This is just an awkward phase for both of you - where you're becoming a young adult with the priorities of a child and he's trying to parent someone who he perceives should be more self sufficient. When the time comes and you have a more worldly view, you'll realize what actual abuse is versus what what you're going through, which seems to me like pretty fair and reasonable parenting highlighted by moments of intense frustration and near physicality because both sides think they're right. Which isn't okay, of course, but it takes two, know what I mean?

If you want advice, I'd say talk to him like a damn human being with honesty and respect. Ask him if it's a good time, preferably not during conflict, and just outright tell him that you feel scared to tell him anything because your afraid he'll overreact or get violent. Have a proper father-son sit down and work your shit out like adults. If you start to behave like you're not a petulant child, he might stop treating you like one.

I don't mean this to come off as insulting and I really don't want to pretend like I know anything in detail about your family dynamic. But from everything you've said here I think you're just *young* in mind and spirit. Let your parents do their job.

once again, im in the wrong, what else is new. Forget i said anything.

Shrug! That's not what I said but your response does tell me you don't want to hear any opinions that challenge your current status quo. Which is totally fine! You don't have to listen to what anyone here says. It's up to you to take initiative and be an adult. If you wanna play blame games then get back on your Xbox. It might not be what you wanted to hear, but my last post is what you asked for in this thread and my honest advice.

I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. I honestly mean no harm I just want to try to give you a better perspective. :( I hope things work out well for you and your folks.

Fairy said:

I think you need to grow up a little more and learn to empathize and articulate. To me, it sounds like they care about you a lot and you take every amount of discipline as abuse. If your dad says you've been on the Xbox all day, it's probably hyperbole, but he sets these limitations because he wants you to succeed. And if he knows you're on your phone during class, maybe you do need to spend some extra time studying and not online, yeah? This may come as a surprise but well functioning and mindful parents don't do things completely arbitrarily (yes, there are exceptions).

No, it's not okay for him to threaten you. It's not okay for him to hit you. But it's not okay for you to be an indignant little smart ass either. This is just an awkward phase for both of you - where you're becoming a young adult with the priorities of a child and he's trying to parent someone who he perceives should be more self sufficient. When the time comes and you have a more worldly view, you'll realize what actual abuse is versus what what you're going through, which seems to me like pretty fair and reasonable parenting highlighted by moments of intense frustration and near physicality because both sides think they're right. Which isn't okay, of course, but it takes two, know what I mean?

If you want advice, I'd say talk to him like a damn human being with honesty and respect. Ask him if it's a good time, preferably not during conflict, and just outright tell him that you feel scared to tell him anything because your afraid he'll overreact or get violent. Have a proper father-son sit down and work your shit out like adults. If you start to behave like you're not a petulant child, he might stop treating you like one.

I don't mean this to come off as insulting and I really don't want to pretend like I know anything in detail about your family dynamic. But from everything you've said here I think you're just *young* in mind and spirit. Let your parents do their job.

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See, I agree with your general message. He's choosing many of the wrong things to focus on because he hasn't grown enough to reflect on what's really fucked up and what is down to being an imperfect parent. I think that's a fine thing to get across.

it's not unwarranted. Flame, your focus on the minutiae of Xbox/gaming/etc restrictions is rather immature and betrays the overall message you want people to understand. It comes off like you are more concerned about the restrictions placed on you than trying to understand why they're there in the first place, and you seem unwilling to adapt. It's not the thing to be hung up on here, despite your relative youth.

However: while I think Flame has a lot of growing up to do, I think a point that has been missed is that he has said that his mother is looking for a new residence in order to escape the attitudes and physical reactions of his father. The point of being threatened with physical retribution cannot be lost when we explain why it's immature to solely be focused on getting back on one's various consoles.

Since October of last year, my mom has been looking at places to move to, so we can get away from him but she hasnt actually found a good place yet.

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Now, while I think Flame is somewhat of an unreliable narrator, that point backs up that there's a direr situation that we might think. There's something to be said when the mother has decided that she needs to find a new location because the father's style of parenting, style of cohabiting with his supposedly cherished family, is dangerous on some level. Evidently there's an abusive atmosphere of some level that the other primary parent recognises, and I think the idea of sitting down and talking to the father, trying to reason with him, doesn't work if he's seemingly past the point of rationality.

And I completely understand Flame's inability to work with/relate to the guy if this is the situation. Darling, what might be better is taking this advice as... a method of coping. I seriously doubt you will be able to build a bridge and if the abusive atmosphere is real, which I believe, I don't think it's the right thing to do. However, Fairy has a point: if you are currently stuck in this situation, it's basic safety and pragmatism to learn how to deal with abusive behaviour for your own safety until you can free yourself. Learning how to understand your father doesn't mean you have to agree with him on anything, it means you're emotionally growing and learning how to reject abusive behaviour without setting it off - until you and your mother are able to stand on your own.

Edit: I should say that as someone who grew up in an extremely abusive household, I totally understand the apprehension inherent in this discussion. Just be sure to not direct your anger on those trying to help you.

You make an excellent point. If the mother involved is also looking for separation under the condition that the father is problematic, then there's clearly more to the big picture that we're not seeing. That being the case, the best thing to do is focus on self preservation. As someone who also came from an abusive household, the biggest thing for me was to survive long enough to give myself a chance to own my environment and become a more well adjusted person with a healthier support network.

While I stand by my original post and advice (because I still do believe communication can help this particular instance), it should be stated that Flame's dad is the adult in this situation and the responsibility is on him to respond to his child without threats and potential violence. I'm sorry if I didn't get that across very well! It's definitely not okay, some of the things going on here, especially if Flame's mother is active in removing herself and her child from a dangerous situation.

No child should ever feel in fear of a parent..

Also worth mentioning that it's probably not the best policy to take direction from people you don't know on the internet as a first course of action. Trust your instinct and your own mind first, then those you trust the most in real life, then random internet people. Some of us could be just as full of shit as your dad (which is kind of a requirement of being a parent, when you think about it)

In the interest of keeping up with your wellbeing, how have things progressed?

I wish my dad would give up his bourbon, period.

Lately, he's been having it with cherries, claiming he needs the fruit for his gall stones. I've asked him several times why he can't just eat them straight or drink tomato juice, but he uses it as an excuse.