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[Pokémon] {PG-15} The NEW Johto Journeys

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14
Years
  • Hiya! I'm Ryo, and I'll be doing a fan-fiction about the Johto Region. I've been planning for about a week now, so the story's pretty good. Anyway, I'll stop blabbing so that you can read!

    Prologue~
    3 years before Present

    It was 2007, a year that Everyone in Kanto remembers. A Trainer, named Red, crushed the evil organization of Team Rocket, and has become the Pokemon Champion before going to Mt. Silver to train. After he defeated Team Rocket, they all spread all over Kanto, however they were no longer a threat, so they were easily wiped out.

    However, one gang of Rockets traveled to the sister region of Kanto, Johto. They went there, and recruited various people into Team Rocket. Some people have heard this and don't believe it, but nonetheless, Team Rocket has now claimed Johto, and this time they won't be taken down easily as before....

    Present~

    Part 1: New Bark Town to Violet City

    Round 1: The Beginning of a new Trainer!


    The early rays of sunshine set over the Johto Region. A place home to over 100 Pokemon, 10 Towns and Cities, and many other things as well. However we're focusing on one particular town, and one particular person for that matter.

    In New Bark Town, the smallest town of Johto, Professor Thomas Elm was frantically trying to clean up his laboratory so that his old teacher, Professor Samuel Oak, wouldn't chastise again on always keeping his workspace clean, because a messy workspace leads to a messy mind as he always said, which Elm HATED.


    'Honey?' Elm's wife asked, coming inside of the Lab.

    'I'm a little busy right now!' He called, trying to remove some gum from under his desk.

    'But honey, Prof. Oak is here.' She said, as an old man's voice called out:

    'Why hello Tom! I see as always your workspace is a mess! You know what I say: A messy workspace leads to a messy mind!' Oak said, coming up from behind Elm's wife.

    'I guess so, Oak.' Elm said laughing, but he was really thinking {I hate that old bastard's sayings}.

    'So, what brings you here?' Elm asked. 'Well, I came here to ask you a question.'

    'Really? What is it?' 'Well, I was wondering if you knew where to find my old friend, Mr. Pokemon.' Oak answered.

    'Oh, him? He lives in Route 230. It's north of Cherrygrove City, which is west from here. I think you should bring a Pokemon just in case though. Why do you ask?' Elm said.

    'Er, well you see I dropped his phone number in the toliet, so....Any way I bought a Black Flute, so I should be fine.'

    '....Okay, see you later then.' Elm said.

    'Remember Tom, clean up your workspace!' Oak said while leaving.

    Elm just laughed, but as soon as the door closed, he plopped down on a nearby chair. {I should've become an Office Executive like my mother said if I knew that he would be involved in my life,} Elm thought wearily.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    While Elm was inside his laboratory, a teenager was just waking up. His name was Zeke Walker, a 14-year-old guy with messy black hair,weighed 53.07 Kilos, and was 1.7 Meters tall. He woke up as he usually did every day, at 7:00 AM.

    His room? A bit messy, a brown wooden dresser, an average-sized closet, a Queen-sized bed, a window, and the color of the entire room was white.

    Zeke put on his clothes, and went downstairs, there his mother was waiting for him.

    'Hey mom, what's for breakfast?' He asked, walking over to the diner table and pulling out a chair.

    'Zeke, I have a surprise for you.' His mother said, smiling.

    'Oh? What is it? The newest PokeGear model?' He asked, looking at her.

    'Well, yes that and......You're now the proud owner of a Larvitar!' She exclaimed.

    Zeke stopped watching the TV and looked at her amazed.

    'Wait.....what did you just say?'

    'I said you now own a Larvitar! Congratulations!' She said.

    'SWEET! Where is it?' 'It's at Prof. Elm's Lab.'

    'Cool, so should I go now-,'

    He stopped in mid-sentence, suddenly thinking how weird it was her giving him a Pokemon. His mother hated them, saying that they were tools for destruction. But now here she's just giving him a Pokemon for no apparent reason?!?!?! Unless.....


    'YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME INTO A POKEMON TRAINER TO GET ME OUT THE HOUSE, AREN'T YOU?!?!' Zeke yelled.

    His mother sighed. 'You got me, hon.'

    'I can't believe it! You would go that far to get me out of the house? What the hell is wrong with you?!'

    'Zeke, You're 14. That's the age most Trainers begin their journey, and you just want to stay home all day, watching TV like a couch potato ever since your last school semester ended.'

    'What's wrong with that?'

    'Zeke, you can't stay here with me. You could get a job, but you wouldn't do that, would you? So I chose the best solution: Make you into a Trainer.'

    'No way in hell I would-,'

    'Your brother was a Trainer as well.'

    Zeke stopped talking immediately as she said that.

    {Erik.....} He thought, thinking about his older brother.

    It was true, his brother was a Trainer. But one day he stopped calling his parents, making them worried. Then the report came in: He died in a Battle, a Nidoking's horn missed his Arcanine and jabbed him in the stomach, instantly killing him.

    That was also the day Zeke's mother hated Pokemon, for taking away her beloved son.

    Zeke knew that even though she or his father {Who's divorced them the following month, whereabouts unknown.} would never say it, but they loved Erik more than they loved him. If they had a choice on which son should die, he was almost positive that they would choose Erik over Zeke. After all, they could replace him.

    '.......What about Erik?'

    'Erik said that he wanted you to be a Trainer when you turned 14, so that he could teach you. I've decided to respect that wish, even though I'm against it.'

    'Erik......said that?' Zeke said in amazement.

    'So, Zeke, will you?'

    'I will...become a Trainer, not to just be one, but to not let my brother's dying wish be wasted.' Zeke said.

    'Good. Here, your PokeGear. You better go now, Elm's lunch break is coming up.'

    He took the PokeGear and then left his home, and as the door closed, his mother burst into tears. {I hope I made the right decision....} She thought, and prayed that her son didn't die.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Zeke walked towards Prof. Elm's Lab in a rush. The weather in New Bark town was breezy, as always. He thought about his deceased brother, when he suddenly fell face first on the ground.

    'Ouch! Watch it, you klutz!' a feminine voice cried out.

    ' Oh, hey Harmony-,' He tried to get up, only to be greeted by a punch into the face.

    'Ow! What the Hell was that for?' He yelled, trying to see her.

    'THAT was for knocking me over, and for almost stepping on poor Marill.'
    'What Marill- SONUVABIT-,' He was about to talk, when a blue mouse came over to him and use an Iron Tail on his groin.

    'Good Marill,' Harmony cooed, and then did a raspberry at Zeke before running off.

    {Crazy *****,} He thought. {I'm gonna roast that blue mouse monster when I get it too...} He got up, and went over to Elm's Lab.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    'Hello? Elm?' He yelled.

    'I'm over here, Zeke.' Elm yelled back. Zeke walked over to the Professor, who was doing some research as always.

    'The Lavitar,' Elm said, turning his rolling chair towards Zeke,

    'Is on that table, inside the Poke Ball. The Pokedex is next to it, and the Trainers Handbook as well.'

    'Aren't you supposed to tell me more stuff?' Derek asked.

    'Oh, you want information? Sure. Welcome, new Trainer, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, now GO! It's almost my lunch break!'

    Elm shooed him off, giving Zeke his items. {Whats so important about his lunch....} He thought. He looked back, to see Elm taking out a brown bag and begin smoking Marijuana. {THAT'S why he's always so Hyper!} Zeke thought, leaving the Lab.

    Round 2: Pokemon Trouble!

    After Zeke was kicked out of Elm's office, he decided to see his new partner in battle.

    'Go, Larvitar!' He yelled. He threw the Poke Ball, a bright light came out of it and then was a small dark green reptilian Pokémon with rocky skin. It have an erect spine on top of it's head, angular black streak markings below and on the upper corners of it's red-colored eyes, and several holes or ports on the sides of it's bodies. It also have a scaled red rhombus-shaped belly of sorts. The Larvitar had fingerless arms and legs with a single nailed toe and a tail somewhat resembling a pine cone in appearance.

    'Larvitar!' {Translation: Who're you? Are you scary?}

    'I'm your new Trainer, Zeke! Nice to meet you!' Zeke said, grinning.

    He stepped towards Larvitar, only for it to run away from him.

    'What's wrong?' He asked. Zeke then decided to use the Pokedex for additional info.

    'Larvitar, The Rock Skin Pokemon. It is born deep underground. It can't emerge until it has entirely consumed the soil around it.' The Pokedex inquired.

    {How the HELL is that supposed to help me???} Zeke thought angrily. He suddenly then had an idea: Use the PokeGear to see if it liked him.

    This is what it said: 'This Pokemon does not like you. It is terrified of you.'

    'WHAT THE HELL???? Zeke yelled. His Larvitar was startled, and then used Harden as he tried to get close to it.

    'Why're you scared of me?' Zeke asked. '

    Larvi, Larvitar, tar tar.' {You're big, scary, and you curse. Not to mention that you're ugly}

    'Okay, I don't know what you just said, but can you just follow me then? Please?' Zeke asked.

    Larvitar then ran away, making Zeke run after it.

    'Wait! Come back, please!' Zeke yelled. Larvitar payed him no attention, as it kept on running. Zeke ran faster, but his Pokemon was still ahead of him. Larvitar kept on running, having no intention to stop.

    Zeke was about to yell something else, when something scratched his leg.

    'Ow! What was that?' He said, looking around.

    What He saw scared the crap out of him.

    He ran even FASTER, and then picked up Larvitar.

    'Larvi!' {Let me go!'}

    'Gotta. Get. Out. Of. Here. NOW!' Zeke panted. Larvitar then saw what scared Zeke so much.

    It was a flock of 30 or so Spearow, with a Fearow leading them.

    'LARVITAR!'{RUN FASTER!}

    Zeke kept running, and noticed that fatigue was beginning to catch up to him. He cursed and tried to outrun the flock of Spearow. But then, 3 Spearow used Quick Attack on him, slowing him down. And then the Fearow used a Peck on him, piercing his shoulder.

    'AHHHHHH!' He yelled in pain. He stopped running, and then fell down.

    'Larvitar!' {Get up, we gotta run!} Larvitar yelled.

    He then realized that a pool of blood was pouring from Zeke's shoulder, the Fearow's Peck has clearly hit a vital spot.

    'Larvi.....Tar?' {Zeke....?} Larvitar said. Larvitar knew what happened, but couldn't accept it.

    'Larvitar!' {No....this can't be happening, not again!} He said, beginning to cry.

    The flock of Spearow was flying closer towards them. Larvitar was scared. Very scared. It then remembered the day it's mother, a Tyranitar, died trying to protect him. She was killed by Humans, who were trying to poach Larvitar. He knew that his mother was too old to fight, but she fought, dying to protect to him. That day he hated Humans, no matter how nice they were. Larvitar suddenly then realized how close then Spearow were, as then the Fearow used Drill Peck.

    'Fearow!' {Die, you pathetic Pokemon and Human!} Larvitar screamed, as he closed his eyes and prepared to die. Then, he heard Zeke scream, as he opened his eyes to see Zeke standing between him and Fearow.

    The Fearow's beak had this time pierced him in the stomach. Larvitar looked at him in disbelief, as Zeke only gave a smile, and then coughed up blood, as the Fearow removed it's beak, and he fell to the ground.

    'Larvitar!' {No! Why did you do that?} Larvitar screamed at him.

    'To........protect.........you......' Zeke said before losing consciousness.

    Larvitar then realized that he was wrong; Not all Humans were like the poachers. He protected him....Larvitar heard shallow breathing from Zeke, meaning that he was still alive but would surely die soon.

    'Larvitar....Larvitar.' {Thank you, Zeke. I was wrong; You're not scary at all. So now.......I'll protect you.} Larvitar said.

    'Fearow!' {Pathetic! Seeing a that is an example of how Pokemon will always be superior than Humans! And since you're his partner, I'll kill you as well!} It said.

    'Larvitar.' {You're wrong, Humans are not inferior to Humans. In fact, they're our equals. I'll prove that by defeating you!} Larvitar said.

    'Fearow!' {That's hilarious! I'll enjoy killing you first!} The Fearow said, diving towards Larvitar.

    'Larvitar. Larvitar.' {We'll see about that....Fearow.} The Fearow hit him hard, as Larvitar stumbled upon impact. It kept hitting him, as Larvitar kept enduring the blows.

    'Fearow!' {Die already, dammit!} Fearow yelled.

    It gave one last blow to Larvitar. Larvitar then said:

    'Larvitar.' {Thanks for hitting so many times. Now, I shall defeat you.}

    Larvitar than began to, glow, making all off the Spearow wonder what was happening.

    'Fearow!' {You think glowing is going to save you? Pathetic! Hyper Beam!}

    Fearow fired a beam of highly concentrated energy, hitting Larvitar, only making him glow brighter.

    'Fearow?' {What the hell??}

    'Larvitar!' {Now, take this! Metal Burst!}

    Larvitar glowed so bright it became blinding, as then a blast of energy came from him. It hit all of the Spearow, feeling Fearow's blows, as they all fainted. And then Fearow felt it's Hyper Beam come back to hit it, as the burst of energy hit it, causing a hole to appear in Fearow's chest, killing it.

    After that blinding ray of light, it began to rain, and Larvitar fell to the ground, next to Zeke. Larvitar smiled, and then fainted, dreaming about him and Zeke.....


    So, what did you think? Sorry if it's short, but I had to write it. Rounds come in about 2-3 days, or 1 if I'm not busy. Tell me what you think!

    Also, Harmony is Kotone, and Zeke{I changed it from Derek because it sounds cooler} is the new Gold. See ya soon!

    Round 3: First Battle! Vs. Damian! Preview! Enjoy!

    Zeke woke up, squinting his eyes as he awakened.

    He then remembered what happened yesterday, and remembered that he had almost died.

    He checked his wounds, to see that they were....healed?

    'What the hell is going on?' He said aloud.

    'Hey, you're up.' A familiar voice said.

    Zeke turned his head to see...

    'Harmony?! What're you doing here?' Zeke said, surprised that she was there.

    'Well, I was looking for a Pidgey when I saw you and a Larvitar in a pool of blood, some Spearow unconcious, a dead Fearow, and your with a hole in your stomach. Care to explain?' Harmony asked.

    'Well, a flock of Spearow and that Fearow attacked me and.....wait, the Fearow's DEAD? How the hell-,'

    'The hell if I know, thats why I came to ask you, dumbass.' Harmony said irritated.

    'Why did you bring me...Wait, where am I?'

    'Pokemon Center. You were in critical condition, so they used the Rejuvanator on you. You looked like crap, dude.' Harmony said, grinning

    'I guess... Why'd you take me here? Do you care about me?' Zeke asked.

    ' **** NO! I brought here because it was the humane thing to do, dumbass.' She yelled, and was sort of blushing.

    'Whatever. Where's Larvitar?'

    'Hurt more than you. Compared to you, he looks like un-holy crap.'

    'Where is he?'

    'I don't know. What do I look like, the information machine?'

    'I'll get him myself.' Zeke said, as he got up he he fell down, but Harmony picked him up. And his face fell on her breasts.

    'WHOA!'

    *Smack, punch, kick, uppercut*

    'Don't tell ANYONE that this happened, okay? Or else I'll catch a Scyther and use it to cut off your balls, okay?' Harmony says, cracking her knuckles.

    'Ohgay. I so sowwy.' Said a bruised Zeke. {Totally worth every second,} He thought.

    'Good. Now be a nice little boy and rest, because you're not seeing Larvitar til' you're better, okay?'

    'Fwine. Why you pawnch me swo whard?' He asked.

    'Insurance. And I love smashing your cute widdle face.' She cooed.

    'I also have to stay here so that you don't leave, okay Mister?'

    'Wateva. Bwy teh way..'

    'What?'

    'Wou hwave nwice twits.'

    Harmony looks at him, and then

    {5 Minutes Later}

    Harmony was whistling, as she walked into a restroom and washed blood off her hands, very happy with herself.

    A wittle taste of Round 3 XDDDDDDDD. Poor Zeke....

    Why Larvitar can use Metal Burst: Well, I thought it would be perfect, but...Meh, that happens in the Anime too, like Bulbasaur using Whirlwind. I'll keep you guys waiting for more lol no, I won't. See y'all later.

    Round 3: First Battle! Vs. Damian!

    After Harmony did Arceus-knows-what to Zeke, back at New Bark Town a shady character was peering into Elm's Lab.

    Elm, didn't notice because he passed out from doing Marijuana, so the person easily walked in and was about to take the Poke Balls on top of Elm's table when Elm yelled out:

    'Don't touch that 'Dile!' The shady character, startled by this, took the nearest one towards him and climbed out the window, as Elm then woke up.

    'Uhhh....weird dream, better hide my stash-,' Elm said, and then noticed a Poke Ball missing.

    'OH ****.'

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Meanwhile, Zeke was recovering from both his injuries from yesterday, and his even worse injuries from Harmony.

    'I don't understand,' Nurse Joy was saying to them{Zeke and Harmony}

    'You were almost fully healed, but now you have all these new injuries, like your neck, your head, your groin area. What happened earlier today?' She inquired to the both of them.

    'Well, err, you see Nurse Joy, Zeke here fell down some stairs, and has always had problems with his dick.' Harmony answered, not looking Zeke in the eye.

    'Zeke, I recommend that you don't get up from here again, you hear me?' Nurse Joy said to Zeke.

    'Fine. Whatever. If it wasn't for the STAIRS, I wouldn't get like this.'

    'If it wasn't for YOU, the STAIRS wouldn't harm a hair on your head,' Harmony said to him, sneering.

    'Well, the STAIRS is a self-centered *****, and I wouldn't have got hurt if you hadn't freaked out when I got my face in your tits!'

    'Well, I'll be going now...' Nurse Joy said, running towards the door and slamming it behind her.

    'You fell on ME! You, the retarded jackass, tried get up to see your Damn Larvitar!'

    'HEY! Don't you EVER bring him into this! You have no right to say that!'

    'Oh boo-hoo, I'm shaking in my boots, grow up, dumbass.' Harmony said, rolling her eyes.

    'I never should have gone out with you!'

    'Oh yeah? Well, you shouldn't have asked me! Go to hell, Zeke Walker!' Harmony said, running away.

    'Whatever. I'll see you there.' Zeke said, plopping down on the bed he was sitting on.

    {How the hell did our relationship get so screwed up....} He thought, remembering a Harmony from 2 years ago, which now seemed like 2 hundred years ago....

    2 YEARS AGO

    It was summer. Before Erik died, he was away in Vermillion City, hoping to beat the Kanto League like he did Johto. Zeke on the other hand was celebrating at a national holiday in New Bark Town, the day it was founded. He was partying hard, danced, and even sang a terrible solo. Hormones were raging.

    He was about to pour himself a second cup of punch when he bumped into someone.

    'Hey! Watch it you klutz!' a feminine voice said.

    'Whoops, sor....ry....'Zeke said, but then stopped in mid-sentence when he saw who he bumped into.

    'Hel-lo? Anyone home?' She said waving a hand near his eyes.

    'Huh? Oh sorry, I won't do it again. Are you new here?' He asked her.

    'Um, yeah, I guess I am. Me and my family moved here today, so yay for me!' She said, laughing.

    'Cool. So um, wanna dance? I mean, all the other guys here are pretty much worse than me.' He said, hoping she'd say yes.

    Which she did. 'Sure, why not? You're the first person I've meet in a long time who's my age, and you're cute.' She said, blushing.

    'Wait, I'm CUTE???' But before he said anymore, she pulled him into the dance floor, as they began dancing for a while.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    After the festival, Zeke and Harmony went into Route 29 secretly so that they could talk without their nosy parents around.

    'So, what's your full name?' Harmony asked, as they were sitting up against a tree.

    'Ezekial Edward Walker. Your turn,' He said, looking at her.

    'Harmony Of The Golden Harp Tyson.'

    'Wow, what were your parents smoking when they named you?'

    'Shut up!' Harmony laughed as she playfully hit Zeke.

    'Help! I'm being attacked by a crazy witch with a weird name!' Zeke yelled, as Harmony laughed even more as she kept on beating him up.

    They then rolled on top of one another, and then realized how they felt with one another.

    {So yeah, they maked out, I'm not going into detail cause this isn't a love story, got it?}

    After bthey finished, They drew one of those classic hearts on a tree, which turned out to be a Sudowoodo, but they ignored it and just laughed as they went back to their homes.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    While Zeke thought about this, Harmony was behind the Poke Mart, crying to her heart's content. She was also smiling, remembering she hadn't cried so much until that time....

    2 YEARS AGO AGAIN

    4 months after they maked out, Zeke and Harmony were holding firm relationship. They did the usual stuff, whatever that was, and one day Harmony called Zeke's PokeGear.

    Normally he would answer right away, but he let it ring for 3 minutes. She frowned, and then left her house to see what was going on.

    What she saw was people weeping.

    She saw his mother crying so heavily that she couldn't breath, her husband not any better. She went inside the house, no one noticed her, and went up to Zeke's room.

    She saw him, no, HEARD him crying, and she went to see him.

    'Zeke, what's going on? Why's everyone-,'

    'HE'S DEAD!' He yelled.

    'Who dead?' She asked him.

    'Erik, he's dead!' He screamed.

    She couldn't believe it. True, she never met him, but Zeke always boasted about how strong his brother was, no that he's dead must've done something to Zeke, because he kept on crying.

    'Zeke-,'

    'Just go away.'

    'But Zeke-,'

    'GET THE **** AWAY FROM ME!' He screamed at her, something he's never done before.

    'Z-Zeke...' She said, beginning to cry as well.

    'Listen: once you have someone you always looked up to, your GODDAMN HERO, and die because a stupid accident, then you can talk to me.' He whispered silently to her.

    'In other words, just get out. I can't talk to someone who doesn't understand what I feel right now. Get out.' He said, pointing to his door.

    'Fine. Don't expect to see me again, you bastard!' She screamed at him.

    She then ran, tumbling down the stairs in his house, twisting her arm. She ignored the pain and ran straight towards her house, slammed the door in her room, and cried like a baby.

    After that, they never saw each other the same way again. To Zeke, she was a self-centered ***** who liked to hit him, and to Harmony he was the psychotic bastard who nearly ripped her heart to shreds.

    So that's why they hate each other.....

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Harmony, meanwhile, was not crying. Instead, she was in front of Zeke's room number, and went inside, only to find a note that said:

    Sorry nurses, but I gotta help somebody. See ya later ~ Zeke

    'Sonuva*****! That idiot can't even walk in his condition! Little punk!' Harmony growled, as she ran outside of the Pokemon Center.



    Part 1 Completed. See more tonight.....
     
    Last edited:

    curiousnathan

    Starry-eyed
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  • Awesome, I really like the start. I will contnue reading it over the next couple of days since I'm busy getting ready for school I might be offline more thn usual.
    So far Great!
     

    Ninja Caterpie

    AAAAAAAAAAAAA
    5,979
    Posts
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    Years
  • First thing first, shrink ray it. No need for massive text, it detracts from the actual story.

    Second, when you make conversations, make a new line for each new person speaking.

    For example:

    'YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME INTO A POKEMON TRAINER TO GET ME OUT THE HOUSE, AREN'T YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!?' Zeke yelled. His mother sighed. 'You got me, hon.' 'I can't believe it! You would go that far to get me out of the house??? What the hell is wrong with you?!?!?!?'
    Should be:
    'YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME INTO A POKEMON TRAINER TO GET ME OUT THE HOUSE, AREN'T YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!?' Zeke yelled.

    His mother sighed. 'You got me, hon.'

    'I can't believe it! You would go that far to get me out of the house??? What the hell is wrong with you?!?!?!?'

    Also, don't overuse question marks and stuff. It makes it look really unprofessional.

    Ellipsis' (those ... things) are only three full stops, no need to stretch them.

    This story also sounds strangely familiar... o_o

    And can Larvitar even learn Metal Burst? o_o
     
    3,901
    Posts
    14
    Years
  • First thing first, shrink ray it. No need for massive text, it detracts from the actual story.

    Second, when you make conversations, make a new line for each new person speaking.

    For example:


    Should be:


    Also, don't overuse question marks and stuff. It makes it look really unprofessional.

    Ellipsis' (those ... things) are only three full stops, no need to stretch them.

    This story also sounds strangely familiar... o_o

    And can Larvitar even learn Metal Burst? o_o


    Okay, thanks for the tips.

    Yeah, I copied from Ash and Pikachu Vs. the flock of Spearow.

    Larvitar is a unique Larvitar, like also using Hyper Beam.

    {Facepalms}
     

    Ninja Caterpie

    AAAAAAAAAAAAA
    5,979
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    16
    Years
  • Copying storyline elements almost exactly is never a good thing.

    Unique Larvitar.

    oh dear.

    Don't tell me, it has the power to save the world when Mewtwo wants to destroy it by using SUPER FRENZY DARK HYDRO PUMP and killing Mewtwo with a 255 power move + STAB?
     
    3,901
    Posts
    14
    Years
  • Copying storyline elements almost exactly is never a good thing.

    Unique Larvitar.

    oh dear.

    Don't tell me, it has the power to save the world when Mewtwo wants to destroy it by using SUPER FRENZY DARK HYDRO PUMP and killing Mewtwo with a 255 power move + STAB?


    No, he does not. I copied it, not all, just the situation.

    The storyline is secret, so I can't tell you. Gotta read to find out, mate.
     

    Ninja Caterpie

    AAAAAAAAAAAAA
    5,979
    Posts
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    Years
  • Taken as a yes.

    To be totally honest, I'm not very intent on trying to read more. As far as I've read, it's rather, well, hard to read without the dialogue spacing, massive words and overuse of punctuation marks and it's...well, very very cliched.

    Kid meets Pokemon. Pokemon has hate of humans. Pokemon hates kid. Kid proves himself worthy to be Pokemon's owner. Pokemon loves kid.
     
    3,901
    Posts
    14
    Years
  • Taken as a yes.

    To be totally honest, I'm not very intent on trying to read more. As far as I've read, it's rather, well, hard to read without the dialogue spacing, massive words and overuse of punctuation marks and it's...well, very very cliched.

    Kid meets Pokemon. Pokemon has hate of humans. Pokemon hates kid. Kid proves himself worthy to be Pokemon's owner. Pokemon loves kid.


    Dude, it's the second chapter. Give me a break, I got like 50 more coming up.

    I did it that way because I didn't have time to make a complicated story, so expect tomorrow's to be better. Much better.
     

    Ninja Caterpie

    AAAAAAAAAAAAA
    5,979
    Posts
    16
    Years
  • I'm biting my lip and deciding whether to continue my annoyed onslaught or stop before damage is dealt.

    The quality of any chapter should be the same as any other. The first chapters shouldn't be worse than the others just so "it gets better".

    And, well, you don't need to make a complicated story to be a good one. An overused one usually isn't good.

    But I'll be waiting, I guess.

    also, shrink that text!
     
    3,901
    Posts
    14
    Years
  • I'm biting my lip and deciding whether to continue my annoyed onslaught or stop before damage is dealt.

    The quality of any chapter should be the same as any other. The first chapters shouldn't be worse than the others just so "it gets better".

    And, well, you don't need to make a complicated story to be a good one. An overused one usually isn't good.

    But I'll be waiting, I guess.

    also, shrink that text!

    Cool. Fixed the text too.
     

    Uecil

    [img]https://i.ibb.co/4jfYrCT/tHdpHUB.png[/img]
    2,568
    Posts
    14
    Years
  • I thought it was pretty good the story leaps straight in and makes me want to read more of it and find out what's gonna' happen next

    great start can't wait to see what's going to happen next.
     

    Pokestick good times.

    [i]cheeky[/i]
    7,521
    Posts
    15
    Years
  • Yay, finished reading ^^"

    Well, I really enjoyed this. Funny moments, mixed up with some semi-curses and the very existance of death and injuries really speaks to me, it's almost like the mistakes you made doesn't really matter. In a good way XD

    Well, I've never been a fan of Pokémon saying their names as cries, but what the hell, it's such a small thingy, I don't really care!

    Hope to see more in a not so distant future!

    (Pokey Out!)
     
    3,901
    Posts
    14
    Years
  • {Bump}

    And an Update: I edited when Zeke leaves the lab to something a bit better, and what Harmony does to Zeke, or the Aftermath of what happened.

    Expect Round 3 Tonight, folks. I'll be on the Forum if you need me.
     

    Dagzar

    The Dreamer
    444
    Posts
    15
    Years
  • It's been a while since I reviewed a story, so I'm going to do yours. You've gotten quite a few reviews already, but it doesn't look like anyone really went in depth about grammar, so that's what I'll do. Red highlights are grammar, bright green are things I want to talk about.

    Prologue~
    Three years before Present
    When writing in text, you should be using words instead of numbers. Thus, '3' becomes 'three'.

    It was 2007, a year that everyone in Kanto remembers. A trainer named Red crushed the evil organization of Team Rocket, and became the Pokemon Champion before going to Mt. Silver to train. After he defeated Team Rocket, they spread all over Kanto, however they were no longer a threat, so they were easily wiped out.

    However, one gang of Rockets traveled to the sister region of Kanto, Johto. They went there and recruited various people into Team Rocket. Some people have heard this and don't believe it, but nonetheless, Team Rocket has now claimed Johto, and this time they won't be taken down easily as before...
    'However' is a bit redundant to use since you used it in the previous sentence. I might suggest changing the first 'however' to 'but'.

    Present~

    Part 1: New Bark Town to Violet City

    Round 1: The Beginning of a
    New Trainer!

    The early rays of sunshine set over the Johto Region. A place home to over
    one hundred Pokemon, ten towns and cities, and many other things as well. However we're focusing on one particular town, and one particular person,
    for that matter.

    In New Bark Town, the smallest town of Johto, Professor Thomas Elm was frantically trying to clean up his laboratory so that his old teacher, Professor Samuel Oak, wouldn't chastise again on always keeping his workspace clean, because a messy workspace leads to a messy mind as he always said, which Elm HATED.

    'Honey?' Elm's wife asked.

    'I'm a little busy right now!'
    h
    e called.

    'But honey, Prof. Oak is here
    ,' she said.
    Alright, dialogue lesson time! Punctuating dialogue can be a bit tricky at first, but once you get the hang of it, it's pretty easy.

    When using phrases like 'he said' and 'she exclaimed', stuff like that, you use a comma and 'she' and 'he' are un-capitalized as its all one sentence. Example:

    "Nice to meet you," she said, smiling slightly.

    "Oh, ouch," he said, snickering at the scene.

    You can also reverse it, by putting the dialogue last and this is where things get weird. Example:

    She smiled slightly and said, "Nice to meet you."

    Snickering at the scene, he said, "Oh, ouch."

    You see that the dialogue is now capitalized, even with a comma.

    All rules apply when using explanation points and question marks, so you don't really change anything.

    "That was intense!" he exclaimed.

    "What are you doing?" she asked, eyebrow raised.

    And the reverse:

    He exclaimed, "That was intense!"

    Her eyebrow raised, she asked, "What are you doing?"

    'Why, hello Tom! I see as always your workspace is a mess! You know what I say: a messy workspace leads to a messy mind!' Oak said, coming up from behind Elm's wife.

    'I guess so, Oak
    ,' Elm said laughing, but he was really thinking,
    {I hate that old bastard's sayings}.

    'So, what brings you here?' Elm asked.

    -
    'Well, I came here to ask you a question.'
    -

    'Really? What is it?'

    -
    'Well, I was wondering if you knew where to find my old friend, Mr. Pokemon,' Oak answered.
    Why is Oak asking Elm is he's seen his old friend? Doesn't Mr. Pokemon have a phone or something?

    'Oh, him? He lives in route two-thirty. It's north of Cherrygrove City, which is west from here. I think you should bring a Pokemon just in case, though.' Elm said.

    'Oh, I'll be fine. I've brought a Black Flute
    while I came here, so I should be fine.'
    That part of the sentence just really doesn't sit right with me. The tense seems weird. I'm not quite sure how to fix it, so I suggest just erasing that part of the sentence and it should be fine.

    'Okay, see you later, then,' Elm said.

    'Remember
    ,
    Tom, clean up your workspace!' Oak said while leaving.

    Elm just laughed, but as soon as the door closed, he plopped down on a nearby chair.
    {I should've become an Office Executive like my mother said if I knew that he would be involved in my life,} Elm thought wearily.
    Ah, thoughts. Everyone does them differently. The weird brackets, though, are making me hesitate at where you should be placing the comma. Maybe you should use italics, instead?

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    While Elm was inside his laboratory, a teenager was just waking up. His name was Zeke Walker, a
    fourteen-year-old guy with messy black hair, weighed 53.07 Kilos, and was 1.7 Meters tall. He woke up as he usually did every day, at 7:00 AM.
    Okay, our main character is finally introduced! First off, info dumping (where you put a bunch of info about something all together) isn't very memorable. Instead, space the description out. Like, when Zeke is in the bathroom, describe his appearance when he looks in a mirror. Also, his exact weight and height aren't needed (it doesn't help that I can't picture your character unless the kilos and meters were translated to lbs and feet). You can just say your character's thin or short and leave it at that.

    Zeke put on his clothes, and went downstairs, where his mother was waiting for him.

    'Hey
    , Mom, what's for breakfast?' he asked, walking over to the dinner table and pulling open a chair.
    Yeah, this doesn't make much sense. 'Pulling out' would work better.

    'Zeke, I have a surprise for you,' his mother said, smiling.

    'Oh? What is it? The newest PokeGear model?'
    h
    e asked, looking at her.

    'Well, yes that and
    You're now the proud owner of a Larvitar!' she exclaimed.
    Use three ellipses (the dots) instead of lots. It gives it a more professional look.

    Zeke stopped watching the TV and looked at her amazed.
    Only a couple sentences back was Zeke looking at his mother. When did he turn back to the TV?

    'Wait... What did you just say?'

    'I said you now own a Larvitar! Congratulations!'
    s
    he said.

    'SWEET! Where is it?'

    -
    'It's at Prof. Elm's Lab.'

    'Cool, so should I go now-'
    When using a hyphen (-) and a cut off sentence, you don't need to use punctuation (or at least, that's how I use it).

    He stopped in mid-sentence, suddenly thinking how weird it was for her giving him a Pokemon. His mother hated them, saying that they were tools for destruction. But now, here she was just giving him a Pokemon for no apparent reason. Unless.....

    'YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME INTO A POKEMON TRAINER TO GET ME OUT THE HOUSE, AREN'T YOU
    ?!
    ' Zeke yelled.

    His mother sighed. 'You got me, hon.'

    'I can't believe it! You would go that far to get me out of the house? What the hell is wrong with you?!'

    'Zeke, You're
    fourteen. That's the age most trainers begin their journey, and you just want to stay home all day, watching TV like a couch potato.'
    'Trainer' stays un-capitalized unless its part of a name, like 'Trainer Zeke'.

    Also, why is fourteen the age most trainers begin? Trainers start out at age ten and if given the chance, most kids would never wait until they were that old.

    'What's wrong with that?'
    -
    'Zeke, you can't stay here with me. You could get a job, but you wouldn't do that, would you? So I chose the best solution:
    make you into a trainer.'
    I'm questioning the mother's logic here. I'm not sure what season it is, but doesn't Zeke have school?

    'No way in hell I would-'

    'Your brother was a Trainer as well.'

    -
    Zeke stopped talking immediately as she said that.

    {Erik.....}
    he thought, thinking about his older brother.

    It was true, his brother was a
    trainer. But one day he stopped calling his parents, making them worried. Then the report came in: he died in a b
    attle, a Nidoking's horn missed his Arcanine and jabbed him in the stomach, instantly killing him.

    That was also the day Zeke's mother hated Pokemon, for taking away her beloved son.

    Zeke knew that even though she or his father {
    who divorced her the following month, whereabouts unknown} would never say it, they loved Erik more than they loved him. If they had a choice on which son should die, he was almost positive that they would choose him over Zeke. After all, they could replace him.
    Seems weird to say it like that since Zeke's the one monologue-ing. Change it to 'Erik over him' and it sounds much better.

    '...What about Erik?'

    'Erik said that he wanted you to be a
    trainer when you turned fourteen
    , so that he could teach you. I've decided to respect that wish, even though I'm against it.'

    'Erik
    ...
    said that?' Zeke said in amazement.

    'So, Zeke, will you?'

    'I will... become a
    t
    rainer, not to just be one, but to not let my brother's dying wish be wasted,' Zeke said.

    'Good. Here, your PokeGear. You better go now, Elm's lunch break is coming up.'

    He took the PokeGear and then left his home, and as the door closed, his mother burst into tears. {I hope I made the right decision
    ...} she thought, and prayed that her son wouldn't die.
    Alright, this is all I'm going to review for now and I'll see if I can get to the second half of the chapter later. You have a good start going, though you could really buff up the description. I like that you included a bit on Elm and Oak before your starting trainer; it gives the story more depth.

    Keep up the good work! ;)
     
    3,901
    Posts
    14
    Years
  • {Bump}

    Some edits, but the only major one is Oak telling Oak why he asked him where Mr. Pokemon lives.

    I might do Round 3 in 2 hours maybe....depends. It'll be twice as long as Round 2, I can gurantee{Misspelled} it.

    See ya in the Forums!

    [Bump]

    Update! Round 3, Part 1 has been released! You better see it!

    Expect part 2 tonight, while I think of some ideas...
     
    Last edited by a moderator:

    Ninja Caterpie

    AAAAAAAAAAAAA
    5,979
    Posts
    16
    Years
  • Hmm, to avoid confusion, use italics when people are thinking and brackets when translating Pokemon speech.

    Also, it's not exactly a good idea to post unfinished chapters.

    I just read that part there at the bottom (interesting, actually) and, well, Zeke is the one that seems like a self-centred *******. Harmony didn't do anything to him and he goes off his head about nothing, and then remembers her as being a *****. I don't get the logic there. At least make Harmony say something like "don't be such a chicken".
     
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