• Our software update is now concluded. You will need to reset your password to log in. In order to do this, you will have to click "Log in" in the top right corner and then "Forgot your password?".
  • Welcome to PokéCommunity! Register now and join one of the best fan communities on the 'net to talk Pokémon and more! We are not affiliated with The Pokémon Company or Nintendo.
    Register

[Pokémon] Region K- Chapter 1 A New Begining

Status
Not open for further replies.

cystar

Favorite Pokemon is Politoed
303
Posts
14
Years
    • Third person prospective
    As are journey beigns, young 10 year old boy is waking up from the noise of his alarm clock at 7 A.M. The boys name was Tim Mason. He has been looking forward to this dat for years. It was finally the day were he got to get his first pokemon. He had to go to Proffesor Tyra and choose one of three pokemon. He got to pick first since him and his best friend John are the only ones picking pokemon they had a contest to see ho got to pick first.
    As Tim was finishing up breakfast Tims mother, Joeanna was dazzling him with questions.
    "Who are you goning to choose tim? Charmander, Totodile, or Turtwig?" Joeanna asked as he took down his bowl of cereal"
    "I don't know yet." Tim responded back. Well after countless questions from Tim's mother, Tim finnaly got out to go over to the Proffesor Tyra's lab.
    "Ok so Tim your up who are u choosing." She asked.
    "Ok here goes, I choose Charmander." Tim yelled in excitment.
    "Him ok then i choose Totodile." Said John
    "How bout we battle allitle" John said
    To be countinued..... The rest of the story will be told from Tims point of veiw
     

    Jaegir

    Yes
    76
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Seen Apr 22, 2015
    I don't mean to sound harsh or anything but this story sounds very generic.
    As for your English and grammar... it needs some working on.
     

    Yusshin

    ♪ Yggdrasil ♪
    2,414
    Posts
    14
    Years
    • Review

    I'll be more direct about it.

    cystar said:
    Third person prospective
    Click to expand...

    The very first thing you say has two errors. One, that should read "third-person" and not "third person". Second, "prospective"... I don't even know if that's a word, quite frankly. You're wanting to say "perspective".

    Third-person perspective.

    cystar said:
    As are journey beigns, a young 10 year old boy is waking up from the noise of his alarm clock at 7 A.M.
    Click to expand...

    Hoo boy.

    "Are" is spelt wrong. This should say "our", whose pronunciation is also different.

    "Beigns"... I guess you typed fast. "Begins"

    You omitted an "a".

    "10 year old boy" should read "ten-year-old boy". If it's under one hundred, use writing; if a number is over 100, use numerals. Also, "ten-year-old" is a combined adjective and needs hyphens.

    I also don't recommend saying "7 A.M."; it's unprofessional. Instead, say "seven in the morning".

    cystar said:
    The boy's name was Tim Mason.
    Click to expand...

    I placed the omitted apostrophe in red.

    cystar said:
    He has been looking forward to this dat for years.
    Click to expand...

    You changed tenses her. This should say "had been looking", not "has been".

    "dat" = "date".

    cystar said:
    He had to go to Proffesor Tyra and choose one of three pokemon.
    Click to expand...

    "Proffesor" = "Professor".

    cystar said:
    He got to pick first since him and his best friend, John, are the only ones picking pokemon. they had a contest to see ho got to pick first.
    Click to expand...

    Firstly, this is a run-on sentence. Where is your period between "pokemon" and "they"!

    I added the forgotten commas in red.

    You abuse "Pokemon" a lot. You should really try to make phrases more creatively; it just sounds redundant.

    "ho" = "who", I'm guessing.

    That entire last sentence makes it seem like they're CURRENTLY doing the contest, but then the next line is:

    cystar said:
    As Tim was finishing up breakfast, Tim's mother, Joeanna, was dazzling him with questions.
    Click to expand...

    Now he's having breakfast! :s

    I put in the comma + apostrophe + comma that you missed again. Also, "dazzling him with questions"? I think you need to review the definition of dazzling again.

    cystar said:
    "Who are you goning to choose, tim? Charmander, Totodile, or Turtwig?" Joeanna asked as he took down his bowl of cereal"[/quote

    "goning" = "going".

    I added the comma you missed.

    "Tim" needs a capital letter; it's a pronoun.

    "took down his bowl of cereal"? That's an awkward phrase; try to reword it.

    What's that quotation mark doing at the end? o0 That's not dialogue.

    cystar said:
    "I don't know yet(.)" Tim responded back. Well after countless questions from Tim's mother, Tim finnaly got out to go over to the Proffesor Tyra's lab.
    Click to expand...

    That period I singled out should be a comma.

    "responded back"? "responded" already means you talked back! No need for the "back".

    That entire red sentence is rushed. He just forked down his cereal, and bam! He's in the lab? No description of how he gets there, how fast, what outside looks like, what the lab resembles - nothing?

    "finnaly" = "finally"

    No need for "the" in front of "Professor".

    "Proffesor" = "Professor"

    cystar said:
    "Ok, so Tim, your up who are u choosing." She asked.
    Click to expand...

    You missed commas... again.

    "your" needs to be the contraction "you're"; here you're showing possession, and not "you are".

    "u"? Internet lingo in a fanfiction? :s

    That period at the end of the dialogue needs to be a question mark.

    cystar said:
    "Ok, here goes(,) I choose Charmander(.)" Tim yelled in excitment.
    Click to expand...

    Huh? Tim's suddenly excited? He seemed so apathetic earlier.

    "Ok" needs to be written "OK".

    You missed that first comma after "Ok" (which should be written "okay", since "OK" is unprofessional).

    That second comma needs to be an exclamation mark.

    The period after Charmander should be a comma.

    "excitment" = "excitement"

    cystar said:
    "Him... ok, then i choose Totodile(.)" Said John.
    Click to expand...

    "Him" is a pronoun. You mean "Hmm". I added elipses for effect.

    "ok" when not written "Okay" always needs to be capitalized.

    You missed a comma after "ok".

    "I" is a pronound and needs to be capitalized.

    Again, that period needs to be a comma (at the end of the dialogue, after Totodile).

    You entirely missed that period after "John".

    cystar said:
    "How (a/')bout we battle allitle?" John said.
    Click to expand...

    That first word, "bout", can be written as "about" or "'bout", but not "bout". The former is more refined; the latter is slang. Pick one.

    "allitle"? You mean "a little".

    You missed that question mark; I marked it in red.

    Again, totally missed the period after that apathetic "said".


    Overview

    No details, no character development, and terrible grammar. It looks as if a four-year-old wrote this; I don't mean to be rude, but it's true. Even a five-year-old knows to put periods at the end of sentences. If you're twelve or thirteen, you should look at some of my work from when I was eleven (in the Beta Testers thread) and you'll see that age is no excuse for bad grammar.

    You really, really, really need to work on your grammar and character development. Really. I just put more effort correcting your fanfiction than you put into making it. It's totally unoriginal, too, so that doesn't help.

    In fact, it doesn't even meet the 1000 words requirement.

    :s All in all, you have a lot - and I mean, a lot - of work to do. Don't give up, though.
    Click to expand...
     
    Misheard Whisper

    Misheard Whisper

    [b][color=#FF0000]I[/color] [color=#FF7F00]also[/c
    3,488
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • This . . . is quite frankly shocking. The one thing that totally kills this story for me, and negates any chance of me reading it, is the letter 'u'. I say 'letter' because to call it a 'word' would be a deadly insult to Holy Mother Grammatica. I chose this quote because it embodies all the mistakes you've made in one neat little package.
    cystar said:
    "Ok so Tim your up who are u choosing." She asked.
    Click to expand...

    Do not do this. There is no excuse whatsoever for using chatspeak/text language in a fanfiction. Do you think I want to read something that looks like you've just typed it up on ur your phone keypad? The short answer is 'No.' The long answer is 'No, because people want to read fanfics written in English - proper English. Abbreviations like 'u' and 'b' have no place in literature. If I shouldn't see it in a book, I shouldn't see it here.'

    Secondly, there are no commas or other punctuation in that line of dialogue. I would have written it like this, personally: "OK. So, Tim, you're up. Who are you choosing?" QUESTION MARKS ARE VERY IMPORTANT - especially when questions are involved.

    Thirdly, lern 2 homophone. Your means 'belonging to you'. You're means 'you are', which is what you're trying to say here. They may sound the same, but they mean totally different things.

    Fourthly, the word 'she' does not need to be capitalised. Speech tags only need to be capitalised if you have a full stop at the end of the quote, and even then you need to be careful how you phrase your tags. Por ejemplo:
    "My name is Janine, and I am the Leader of Fuschia City's Pokemon Gym." she said.
    Click to expand...
    is incorrect.

    "My name is Janine, and I am the Leader of Fuschia City's Pokemon Gym." She said.
    Click to expand...
    is still incorrect.

    "My name is Janine, and I am the Leader of Fuschia City's Pokemon Gym," she said.
    Click to expand...
    is correct. If you must use full stops at the end of quotes, do them like this.

    "My name is Janine, and I am the Leader of Fuschia City's Pokemon Gym." She turned to glance at Red, a slight grin on her face.
    Click to expand...
    That is, the tag at the end is not a tag at all, but a separate, complete sentence.

    I would love so dearly to pull your fic to pieces, hon, but I'd just be repeating myself. On the whole, this is sadly unreadable. It's not really long enough to be considered a chapter in its current state, either. Shorter chapters than this can and have been done well, but it takes a lot of skill. Please fix up your grammar, press Enter twice after each paragraph, and try once again.
     
    Astinus

    Astinus

    10,177
    Posts
    18
    Years
    • Age 37
    • Seen yesterday
    Yusshin's post pretty much showed that you didn't run this through a spell-checker, which is the simplest thing you can do to keep your thread open. And Mishead's shows that you used chatspeak in your fic.

    Thread closed for not meeting the standards of F&W. If you would like to try again, follow the advice given to you by your reviewers, take your time writing, and use at least a spell-checker.
     
    Status
    Not open for further replies.
    Back
    Top