First off, welcome to the writing forum. *le wave*
Second, I want to say right here and now that you'll want to be careful with your spacing. There's a number of lines that have line breaks right in the middle of a sentence, and none of them are necessary. (You don't have to apply a margin to your work. Just let it go from margin to margin on your document. As in, don't hit the enter key after, for example, "the sleek yet muscular." Just keep writing, and the forums/document will do it for you.)
Additionally, whenever you create a new paragraph, hit the enter key twice instead of once. The reason for this is because the longer you go without a proper line break (that blank line of space) between paragraphs, the harder it is for someone to read because they have difficulties picking out individual lines. I know that my vision literally starts going hazy if I look at pages upon pages of text formatted this way on a screen, so it's just a good thing to do to help your readers out a little.
Beyond that, there's several instances of mistaken homophones. (Although to be fair, most of these are basically the same mistake over and over again.) Homophones tend to trip a lot of people up, so it's best to just memorize the difference between the trickier words. Either that, or you might benefit from getting a
beta reader, a person who can look over your work before you post it to work out problems like those.
But to be specific for now, let me just run quickly through the trip-ups here. There's only two that I can see, to be honest.
It's/Its
It's is a contraction for the phrase "it is."
Its, the word you want in many cases throughout this prologue, is a possessive pronoun (i.e., a word that says that something belongs to it). Here's a tip to help you remember the difference: no pronoun (he, she, it, they, we, whatever) has an apostrophe in its possessive form.
None of them. So, if you see an apostrophe, it's not a possessive pronoun.
Threw/Through
Threw is the past-tense form of "to throw."
Through is a word that says something is passing within something else – like one end and out the other, basically.
That aside, I've got a few more notes:
1. You should drop the first ellipsis (…). The reason why is because the spacing makes it awkward. Usually, an ellipsis signals hesitation, but in this case, the narrator is observing the creature turn the doorknob. So, it's not really necessary to separate the subject (the creature) from what it's doing (turning the doorknob) because the narrator sees both pretty much simultaneously, if that makes sense.
2. Try to avoid using feet as a measurement whenever you can. First off, it's oddly specific (as in, you're implying that it's important to know
exactly how tall something is), but it doesn't actually paint an image in a reader's mind. (Some countries use meters to measure someone's height, so expecting a reader to know roughly how tall five feet would be is a lot like expecting you to know how tall two meters would be. It's better to say that the character was tall and leave it like that.)
Second, because your narrator isn't human anyway, it doesn't really make much sense for them to be using human measurements. Animals don't really have concepts for measuring things, and Pokémon live a lot like animals in a lot of ways. So, it'd probably be like a cat or dog understanding what a foot is.
3. Whenever you proofread, try to read your work aloud. That way, you can hear how each line sounds, and that will help you to decide whether or not each line sounds awkward. For example, "Pointed, the snout so much so that I might've thought it was funny." It doesn't really make sense on its own because the grammar's all scrambled. The first part (just the word "pointed") says that something besides the nose is pointing, but you don't specify
what. The second part ("the snout so much") also has something missing because you're not saying what the snout has that's so much. The second "so" should be dropped altogether once the order of this sentence is fixed. In other words, the sentence seems scrambled and awkward as it is, but if corrected, it would look something like this:
The snout pointed so much that I might've thought it was funny.
Assuming English is your first language (not to be rude – just saying that you might not catch this kind of thing if you're still in the process of learning English), reading this sentence aloud
should be able to clue you in to whether or not it works. The reason why is because you'd listen to what you're saying while you're reading it, so you might be able to notice that the first part was completely scrambled. You can do this with the rest of your chapter and fic in general to help you out.
4. Not to be literal or anything, but green eyes don't really pass through anything. You could say, however, that the
glare from its green eyes seemed to pass through the narrator.
5. Really, your only issue seems to be with the finer points. The rest of the prologue (namely, the story and description) actually seems pretty interesting. You don't give the reader enough to know immediately what's going on, and you describe things in a way that allow us to picture the scene pretty well. We can see Zoroark standing right there. We can imagine the green-eyed gaze piercing the narrator. We can even imagine it lashing out with a set of claws.
On top of that, you've left us with the right kind of question right off the bat. We don't know why Zoroark is attacking the narrator, but we know that said narrator is terrified. Clearly, something is up here, and your audience is left to wonder
what. Even more than that, it's a note of excitement because you start off practically in the middle of something big, and whatever it is has
action in it. Not saying that every prologue
needs some violence, but honestly? Having characters actually
do something in the first chapter grabs a reader's attention and holds it. You've done well in executing that part.
So, really, all you need to do is polish up the rest. That should help your reader get through your work without too much trouble, which means they can focus more on what's going on than on mentally rearranging words or keeping track of lines. You'll definitely want them to focus more on what's going on: I can tell right now that whatever it is, it's going to be interesting.
In short, polish, and I've got high hopes for this. I'll check out the first chapter when you've got it up. Good luck!
