Upon starting the game, we are greeted by Birch and his beard. We also learn that our character is an amnesiac.

It's always that trope, huh.



Birch sends out a Bulbasaur... that doesn't look quite right. (and doesn't sound quite right as it makes the Azurill noise).

Narration: "But that Pokemon looks strange... I think something very very odd has happened... Is it just my memory playing tricks on me, or is that Pokemon I just remembered... dead?"





"That can't be right, surely? Pokemon don't die, they just faint and lose the will to fight, right?"

I'll admit, this intro is cool. It's setting up the sequence of events nicely. Now we get the choice for our two main heroes.



Oh no.

Our two main characters are not very appealing, as the male is an angry-looking Dante ripoff while the hot pink sweater on the girl is laughable at best. Not only that, the default names are so edgy I almost cut myself on them.

• Wraith, Shade, Dark and Eye (???) for the male option
• Ghost, Haunt, Jericho and Loba for the female option

Since I have at least some form of class, I went with this instead. Because he looks like a Jack to me more than anything else.



"No, but seriously you should leave."

Expect more of this humor, by the way. Especially when it's trying to be serious.

[fade to black]



Whoa.

What happened to Littleroot? It's nothing but rubble.

Also, since this is a still image, imagine the screen shaking before making a truck-stopping noise since it's still using part of the in-game intro. I'll give Cutlerine credit for chopping out the rest of the intro, though.

Let's go read that sign on the bottom.



... Christ. Now we have a mood going. Let's see how long it lasts, though.



Head over to the left, and we have some Pokeballs. These are your starters for the game!

The top is Claydol (rotating on its own axis), the left is Koffing (spewing toxic fumes) and the one Jack is standing in front of is Paras (ill health).



Since I like Paras a bit more than the other two, I went with him. I was going to name him Reginald based off of Haydunn's Nuzlocke of this game, but feh. I like Reggie better. Also, once you choose a Pokemon from these three, you can't get more.

: ("Ya, mon! I'm happy to help ya out.")



"After all, you're not a crook... are you?"

Excuse me? We are in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. The region is in chaos. The town is nothing but ruins. There is nobody else here. Having more Pokemon equals better chances to survive. So why god tell me are you chastising me for trying to get more than one?!

I'll be a crook however I want, thank you!

...Well, moving on. We make our way towards the route ahead only to hear:

"AAAAAAAH! H-help! Someone!"



It's Birch being attacked by a zombie! Well muk, I'm glad we got here just in time then.



Dude, I was just trying to see how close I can get without getting my face chewed off. I wasn't trying to run away, chill.



Hey, what's up bruh.



Zombie Kid Liam, huh? I should mention this little blue putz has the Team Aqua/Magma battle theme playing right now like he's some hot shot.





B... Boilbasaur. All of the zombie Pokemon in this hack have "punny" names but a lot of them are just really dumb. I should that none of the zombie Pokemon are able to be captured in the wild, barring two special exceptions. You'll know when we get there.

Reggie scratches it to death with little effort regardless.



So defeating the Pokemon somehow destroys the zombie trainer as well? I'm not complaining, good riddance. At the very least, they're not Return of the Living Dead zombies.


* shudder *



Birch says that he knows us and that we're the older brother of Landon, who is now married to May. He also asks us if we know anything about the zombie plague, but our hero just goes:



Oh, what a card this man is.

Seriously though, I don't care if you have amnesia. I wouldn't forget something as big as THE DEAD COMING BACK FROM THEIR GRAVES.

Anyway, the good professor leads us to Oldale.



This Pokecenter is where we wind up, and the two guys in green are guarding the way. So far I like how Snakewood is progressing in regards of zombie apocalypse story.



Before we go outside though, let me bend time and space for this special occasion.

(Inputs gameshark codes loudly)



Ta-dah!

Now we have a new friend. Since I wanted to be a bit naughty, I put in a code to get Kirlia much earlier than I'm supposed to. And trust me, we're going to need Bella's help for this venture cause Snakewood is going to pile-drive you until you scream uncle.

This should also be the extent of the cheating as I'm confident I can beat Snakewood with what I get. Unless it's a very special occasion. Scout's honor.

Future Dan: Dude, you have no idea how important this one decision you made is. Also:



--

2023 EDITION NOTE - Red Emeras () mark scenes or dialogue that are not in the actual game.

--

()

[A Kirlia spontaneously teleports into the room and face-plants onto the floor. She looks up and observes the room.]

[Current OST for LP scene: Illusionary World]

: ("Where...? Where am I?")

: "Huh?! What's a Kirlia doing here? It's not a zombie... is it?"

: ("How dare you! I am a perfectly normal Gar--")

: ("... Wait. Zombie?! What part of the world did I end up in?")

: "You're in the Hoenn region. I don't know what's happening either, but apparently corpses are coming back up as flesh-eating monsters. It's looking like armageddon out there."

: ("How horrible!")

: ("N-no... Please don't tell me this was part of their plan...")

: "What're you talking about?"

[The strange Kirlia looks over Jack and sighs]

: [Thinking to herself] ("He doesn't look like a very reliable human. Smells a bit too. But still... better than nothing, at least.")

: ("You're a trainer, yes? What do you say to teaming up? If things are as dire as you say, then we can't afford to make any mistakes.")

: "Not a bad plan, actually. A strong psychic type like yourself might be exactly what we needed. You can call me Jack. Should I give you a nickname or... ?"

: ("Call me Bellamine.")

: "Ooh. Pleased to meet you, then."

[Bellamine curtsies to him]

: ("Likewise. If we're going to work together, we may as well make it painless.")

: "Let's go kick some ass, then."

--
Extra note: I will be using sprites from the Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Sprite Repository to better show off the emotions of my Pokemon when I write scenes, as originally I was limited to what was in the actual games + had to rip portraits directly from the 3DS games for Pokemon that existed past Gen 4.

You can find the credits for the people who made each portrait at the bottom of each update, below the Team Set-Up.
--



Upon going to the left, we're greeted with this guy.



"To be let out on your own! So stay away!"

Dude, I'm bootleg Dante. I'm pretty sure I can still leave everything in my way a bloodied pulp. You want a demonstration?



This is a bit of a baldfaced lie as there are Pokemart employees in some other towns... but thanks for the Light Potion anyway.

Let's go inside the Pokemart to see what might have changed.



Oh damn, another zombie. Let's get 'em!



... Ah. No need to fear - she's apparently too distracted by shopping to be a real threat. Move along, then.

Ooh, a vending machine!



I'm parched. Let's get some water.





But how did it even... oh, who cares.
What's worse is that you can give this to one of your Pokemon and it actually heals them up! Isn't that great?

We head up north to Route 103 where Birch is waiting for us.



Excellent question, Jack.



"And our entire families vanish without trace, there is still time for science!"



Jack is thinking what we're all thinking.



"And yet... here is a nest, complete with an Egg!"

I have several questions.



Yeah, time's a wasting when the undead horde is right behind you!



"That Eggs only hatch when taken around with other Pokemon."

That only raises further questions.

: "But what about the parent Pokemon?"

: "I don't see any, do you?"



Way to be a dick, prof. That said, the egg will be much safer in our hands than leaving it for some cadaver to smash it open.



"I also wanted to talk to you about the zombies."

: "Seems like nobody wants to talk about anything else."

: "Yes, quite."

I would imagine people want to talk about them given that society is about to collapse, if it hasn't already.

Anyway, Birch is telling us that Landon is the League Champion and that he and May went to look for the source of the zombies. Since they never came back, Birch wants Jack to look for them not only because they're family but also because since Landon is the Champion, he can beat back the zombies no problem. Jack is skeptical.

: "The same person who vanished without a trace when he went to beat back the zombies."



"It's the best we got. So! Will you go?"

Jack is just like "OK" and is told to go to Petalburg.

Granted, we can't really knock Birch's plan because he knows we have magical protagonist plot armor. If we were playing a Nuzlocke though, it'd be a different story.



Oh this man.



Birch tells us that he's going to get the PC connection up and running so he can contact more survivors. While he's at it, he gives us a Poke Phone so he can contact us directly. As Birch leaves, we make our way back towards Oldale until we come across a new face.



Oh. Hello, random lady who is obviously not a villain.



"You must be pretty weak-willed. But I suppose I could use the experience from thrashing you."





I don't think anybody will notice if we add one more casualty to the pile. Let's do this.



The fight itself is nothing special. Reggie scratches while the Sneasel taunts.

HOWEVER, there's something very interesting with this Mon right here. See, when Cutlerine was editing Pokemon for this hack, he changed around a lot of stuff.

Primarily, this "Sneasel" is not actually Sneasel. It is actually Mawile with a Sneasel makeover. I inputted a bunch of wild encounter gameshark codes before doing this let's play to see what was changed, and much to my surprise the original Sneasel slate is still Sneasel.

Future Dan: I find it even more interesting in retrospect because I used Gen 3 Suite to hack in certain members for later let's plays, and I still can't quite grasp what Cutlerine's reasoning was here. Maybe it was to add Weavile into the game or something - remember, this hack was made back in 2010.

Useless trivia aside, the cloaked dingus goes down without much of a fight.



Nah, not really. Paras always has an Oran Berry equipped, so unless you got a critical hit, this fight was pretty much mine.



"I ought to tell you my name so you can tremble the next time you hear it. It's Alicia. Now let me pass!"

Pffffffffffft. Whatever you say, Alicia.



: "Well, that was unpleasant. Hope I never get to see her again."

Something in my gut tells me this won't just be any normal zombie apocalypse... but that's beside the point. See you guys then.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Team setup:

(Reggie, level 5, /) - "That Alicia really be boiling my blood there! She wants these claws, she'll be getting 'em!"
(Bellamine, level 3, ) - "Oh Rubus, I hope you're alright..."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Portrait credits:
- Reggie (Paras & Parasect – Non-standard sprites are made by jackolanternjackalope. Parasect doesn’t have any new portraits so he doesn’t get a change.)
- Bellamine (Kirlia & Gardevoir – Non-standard sprites are made by JFain and Ichor)

We find our hero Jack contemplating what to do with his life regarding all of this zombie apocalypse nonsense.



That is, until he sees a horrible sight: zombie singles in our area!

I mean, a boy in peril! He rushes in to the rescue!



OH MY GOD!

It's like you just took a bunch of white and black, slapped it onto the Lass sprite and called it a day. Like what the hell, man? I thought the main heroes were pretty dopey looking, but this is legitimately awful.



She sends out a Polihag (groan) but it only does Bubble. Reggie does what he does best.



Oh no. Consider this a taste of what is coming up ahead. Anyway, switching to Bella.



It's just a green Charmander with red eyes. That's not a zombie. That's a recolor that needs some Clear Eye. Either way, Bellamine smears his body against the curb with Confusion.



Damn it, I need some Clear Eye after looking at that sprite again.



B... but I thought she was a ghost? Make up your mind, Cutlerine!



Hey, thanks!

I actually needed those so I wouldn't have to speed up all the time. But wait a second.



: "What a crappy flashback."

Agreed. But we get the Running Shoes now! Also, expect Jack to get flashback headaches like those a lot. It's part of the Amnesiac Struggle (tm), I'm afraid.



Oh no, not another one of you. This fight is unavoidable even if you offscreen her, as she will still walk over to you. It's dumb. Also, insert innuendo here because I used it up with the last one.



Jesus. Now that's a zombie. Poor Marill looks kind of creepy here with the soulless eyes and the blood. I don't know why it would just turn orange all of a sudden, but maybe it's something to do with Marill skin putrefying or nonsense like that.



Anyway, with that eyesore out of the way, let's go talk to the fine fellow over at the corner.



"This zombie is clearly eating but you don't feel like seeing exactly what it is."

... Let's leave him alone, then.



Let's get some food of our own. Also, since this picture needs some more pizzazz I should mention that the zombified Pokemon are actually no different than their regular counterparts.

Sorry to spoil, but a majority of them don't have additional/changed types nor are they that much stronger than how they normally are. They're just edited to be a bit "spookier" looking, and that's really it.

2023 Dan Addon: I feel decompilation would be amazing towards making an actual awesome Pokemon zombie hack where there's zombie versions without having to take up slots of existing Pokemon. Maybe even an infection mechanic, though that might be out of scope for rom hacks.



... I immediately feel out of my league. Let's not touch those two for right now.



Go south of there and you get this.

I have no idea what the Broken Heart item is. Its description is "One of many the plague has left in Hoenn" but I have no idea what its effect is. Maybe it's like a selling item. I don't know.

Anyway, since the zombie blocking the way is pretty strong, let's go on a bit of a grinding session. It ends with Reggie learning Stun Spore, along with two new additions to the team.



; ("Oh thank goodness, a living trainer! Please take me with you, nya!!")

: ("Take me along too! I was itching for adventure way before this zombie thing happened.")

Meet Zagon the Zigzagoon and Alice the Skitty. Zagon is not immediately useful, but trust me she becomes a beast later on. Alice, however, is more immediately useful but might not be so important later on. Either way, they're both welcomed with open arms.

Now that the party's a few levels stronger, let's do this.



RUDE CRUDE DUDES ALERT

Guys, seriously. Watch out for this dude. He will rip you apart with little effort, considering his high level and the fact he knows Ember. If Reggie tried to fight him right now, he would have been dead on arrival. If you're playing a Nuzlocke of this hack, be really goddamn careful as this Charmander can probably end your streak prematurely. (although why you'd do a nuzlocke of this game to begin with is a very interesting question)



No need to fear, as Bellamine puts him in his place. Thatta girl.



The person coming up after the ghost girl (???) is this kid. Unlike her however, Allen here is an absolute putz. He has two Boilbasaurs that get dumped out by Bellamine in no time flat.



What exactly are these words the zombies are saying? Cause I think that was a foreign curse word. You sassin' me, boy?



Ah! We're finally at Petalburg and... it's gone to hell, I'm afraid. Let's ask that lady over there to see if she can help u--



... Of course. This pun is lame too. I don't know why zombification would turn Squirtle into this copper-like form like he's a melting caramel bar. Damn, now I'm hungry. Anyway, once that's dealt with, let's make our way towards the house to our south.



Doesn't look that bad. I should mention that none of the music in this game has been modified to sound spookier, so the bright and happy Petalburg theme is still playing like normal.



"This woman appears to have had her legs gnawed off, which accounts as to why her corpse is still on this chair."





... Oh. That's gruesome. Cutlerine's at his best when he's writing horror, let's not kid ourselves.

Anyway, we make our way towards the gym until we see a bag on the ground.



It's essentially the Pokecenter of this town, and I'm grateful. I'm not going back to Oldale just to recover wounds.



"It's impossible to enter. The doors are firmly wedged shut by a pile of skulls and stuff."

Damn. What even happened here? How did the zombies overtake everybody this messily?



Another person that doesn't have the green skin recolor disease!



: "Yes, how do you know that?"

Person: "You look like your brother. Are you going after him?"

He... does?

: "Of course."

Person: "Then will you bring peace and put the dead back in their graves?"

: "... Sure, whatever."




... Well, that was a thing. Goodbye, random NPC that existed for only one scene.

Let's go into that house, actually.



Oh sweet!

That crate contains an infinite amount of Potions for you to take, free of charge. Although it should make you really suspicious about the road ahead if a level 9 zombie Charmander is what they throw at you right out of the gate...



"Perhaps it's the salty sea air."



If saltwater and the sea air are the primary weaknesses of the zombies (along with just beating the guts out of them), then they chose the literal worst region to make a Zombie Apocalypse happen.

Speaking of the beach...



We get jumped by this guy.



Hey genius, you were the one that attacked me. I didn't even want your stupid items anyway.



"I've lost everything. The zombies ate my family and destroyed my home. What little I had left was stolen by looters. Sob... sob..."

... Well damn.



"I'm trying to extract some salt from the seawater. If a zombie comes in contact with salt, they turn back into a corpse. Haitian legend said so."

Huh. I'm interested in this concept and while it cripples the already not-that-hard-to-kill undead, it's a nice idea.



"I just tried to get Mr. Briney to take me to Dewford because it's an island and zombies can't cross running water. But Mr. Briney tried to eat me!

Oh. Moving on.



Yeah, get out of the way. You're just experience fodder anyway.



We're at the woods now and I just gotta say. If you don't train here, you're going to have a bad time.



Our first encounter in the woods is Lyle here. Despite the smug look on his face, he's actually fighting us so we don't get ourselves killed from the zombies. He's actually a nice guy, even if his method is a bit backward.



: "... I'll be fine, okay."

Jack is the last person I expect to die in this story. Lyle, you're higher up on the hit list due to being a random NPC.



We go to our right here and we meet Larry the Looter. Larry here is actually an impromptu Mart and a friendly guy. He sells us stuff. That makes him a winner in my eyes.

I decided to do a bit more grinding to prepare for the next big fight. And while I was at it -







: ("Am I glad to meet you! Me and my siblings got separated when my buddy told us to run in here. I hope he's alright.")

Our hero of the evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Now the team consists of -

• Reggie (Paras, Male, Modest nature)
• Bellamine (Kirlia, Female, Rash nature)
• Egg the Egg (??????????????????)
• Zagon (Zigzagoon, Female, Lax nature)
• Alice (Skitty, Female, Jolly nature)
• and now Ambes (Pikachu, Male, Quirky nature)

I think we can coast through the zombies with this team, even if natures will mean absolutely nothing to me later on.

Right now though, we have to deal with some trouble!



Oh no, here we go.



Yeeeeesh. They're actually kind of terrifying. And trust me, if you didn't take precautions this fight will end you. Which is why I did this.



: ("Hey there, stud~")

ALICE EWWW NOOO


This is messed up in so many ways.



... But what can I say. She's a maneater.

Seriously though if this was Reggie or Bellamine, they would have both died horribly.


RUDE CRUDE DUDES ALERT #2

You thought the Charmander from before was bad? This guy is an utter nightmare. Despite his dopey looking gold appearance, Dirtkrow here will tear your soul out and eat it. He will make mincemeat out of all of your Pokemon - especially if you choose Paras. Hence why finding Pikachu in this segment is absolutely necessary.

2023 Dan Addon: Cut to Scarlet and Violet. "Murkrow is overpowered" suddenly becomes a lot less hilarious or more depending on your stance.



My hero.



Yeah, suck a chode.



"We demons may possess corpses but we are honorable. You have defeated me, and so I will warn you that stronger demons than I lurk ahead in the city you call Rustboro."

oh that ain't good



Huh. That's convenient.



Oh, is Jack going to have a flashback?

[The screen darkens a bit]


Landon: "This Stone Badge raises the Attack of my Pokemon. I got it from the Gym Leader Roxanne!"

: "Urrghhh... That flashback hurt my brain. But I remember where these come from. These Gym Badges - the Gym Leaders have them. And the Gym Leaders are strong... So what could have possibly happened to Rustboro that even the Gym Leader was defeated? I'd better investigate - with extreme caution."

Oh ho, the plot thickens! I don't know if I've said this by now, but I like Jack. The two main characters, despite getting the silliest default names, are actually the most down-to-earth characters of the entire thing. They're nice to watch and their reactions are appropriate.



"I'm going to die... I can feel the poison chilling my blood and turning my brain to soup. Urgh..."

Oh **** is he going to turn into a zombie? Cause if so, bring it on!



... Never mind. May he rest in... peace?



Anyway, that's all for this update. Next time we tackle Rustboro and see just what the hell happened to Hoenn.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Reggie, , /) - "Sweet lion of Zion, that brother would've killed me if I went out. Thanks for taking my place, Ambes."
(Bellamine, , ) - "Alice, please never do that again." *shivers*
(Alice, , ) - "You're just jealous of my natural good looks."
(Ambes, , ) - "I sure hope Big Sis got away in time..."
(Zagon, , ) - "Can you teach me how to do that, Alice?"
(Egg the Egg, ) - Currently hatching

POST-EDIT Dan: This was the start of the 100 screenshots per chapter formula that would later go on to be a staple of my LPs. Funny how this "whopper" turned out to be standard procedure by later chapter standards.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Portrait Credits:

I neglected to show this Ether last update. It's cool that there's PP restoration items hanging around, but they fall into the "too cool to use" club for me.



I had also forgotten to give this fine chap the time of day.



This line out of context is somehow even more disgusting than the actual context.

Anyway, a quick demonology note - Andromalius is the 72nd Earl of Hell. He is depicted as a man holding a serpent and is responsible for punishing thieves along with exposing evil and dishonest dealings. All of the possessed corpse enemies in this game reference an Ars Goetian demon, which is cool and all but if they're not important to the story then they're just fodder.

However, he does have a very interesting Pokemon.



Would you look at that. An evil egg.

But seriously though, the Secretegg series of Fakemon are actually the most complex Pokemon in this entire hack. They have the most evolutions out of any Pokemon (outside of Eevee, which I don't think is in this) and all of them are pretty crazy. You can level it up normally, but at a certain point if you give it an Elemental Stone (Fire, Water and Thunder respectively) Secretegg (or rather a later stage of it) will actually evolve into ENTEI, SUICUNE OR RAIKOU.

I am not making this up. It's a really good Pokemon to keep around, even if it's not very interesting sprite-wise.



Pssh. Go after some looters instead. Preferably punish the lot that robbed that one woman blind on the beach.



This is what he was blocking, by the way. This makes grinding a hell of a lot easier later on.



Now we're actually getting somewh-- what is that in the upper left corner





Oh dear god. Shield your eyes, Ambes!



: "... Goddamn, that's barbaric. Let's just take this Super Potion and leave."

[Ambes gazes at the severed Pikachu head, his eyes locked in a thousand yard stare.]



: "... You okay, little buddy?"

[Jack shakes Ambes, who snaps out of his trance.]

: ("This... this was my friend. Just the other day we were talking about our future and meeting cute girls... but now...")

: [Gives the Pikachu a hug, who sobs into his jacket]

: ("What sick person would do this?!")

Wait a second, who could have done this?

The zombies seem very unlikely cause they just eat everything and all the survivors would be more concerned with... you know, surviving. So you got me. Poor Ambes, though.



Inside of the flower house you can find a Wailmer Pail. I don't know why you would use it, as berry planting wasn't even that feasible in the original game. Much less so in a hack as difficult and plot-driven as Snakewood.



: "Lady, do I look like I'm rotting or have blue skin?"



: "And I had to knock out your Pokemon before you could realize that."



"Now I'm lost, tired AND with a fainted Pokemon. I'm surely dead meat."

: "I would be more sympathetic to your plight if I didn't scream 'I'm not a zombie, what is wrong with you' like five times as we fought."



"Go to the city and rid us of the demons. If it'll help, please take this TM09."



That's cool and all, but only Reggie can learn it and even then there's better moves coming up for him anyway. It's the thought that counts.



: "So wait, the zombies can't cross water either? Our region is like 60 percent water! How are they getting anywhere? Bah. How's fishing going for y--"



Of course. He has like three of these, by the way. Hurray for experience fodder!



Up the path, we meet these two (along with another one that was unimportant to show).

It's a gruesome sprite edit and all, but why do all of the kids have yellow clothes after they get zombified? Actually, I don't want to know why.



Oh joy, more "puns"! But really. If you prepared, this fight is nothing special. I would complain about how the coloring is inconsistent between the evolutions but zombie Wartortle's evil black eyes kinda scare me.



Rustboro City, at last. I should mention that Rustboro has some of my favorite music out of Gen 3. It's just homey to me. It's only matched by Solaceon in Gen 4 and Lacunosa in Gen 5.

But wait, before we go into the city... I sense a major asshole up ahead. Let's go back and grind a bit more.





... I'm somehow not surprised Snakewood would do this.



You know I had to. Benedict, out of every type I expected, wound up being Normal / Bug... which explains why the Leech Life of that other Egg nearly killed Bellamine. Oh well.



"Gasp... gasp... I've been running from the zombies for days now. But they're everywhere. My Pokemon can barely carry on..."



: "Of course you can. I mean, I have like millions of the damn things." [hands her a potion]

Lady: "Thank you, thank you! You literally saved my life. Take this small gift as my gratitude."

: "Aww, it was nothing."



Sweet. This will be useful very soon, actually. Just wait and see.



Also while going back, I found these two kids running back and forth through the trees. I don't even know.

Anyway, let's see what that thing at the entrance to Rustboro is.



It's an evil disembodied head!

... Called Benji.





WHAT IN THE WORLD DID CUTLERINE DO TO JYNX

I mean hell, Jynx wasn't a favorite of mine in terms of design but this is just hideous. He gave her a chest face. That has eye titties. Grody.

Also rude crude dudes alert as Eye-Eye is actually really goddamn strong for this early in the game. Pound may not be something to write home about, but the Powder Snow she has is dangerous. It can put practically every member to half or below with one use or straight up kill if you're Reggie. (sorry reggie you get all the worst luck )



: ("That'll teach you to be a creepy eye monster!")

Zagon earns her keep. By the way, Benedict actually fainted offscreen. That's how strong this thing is. Pray for me.



After beating the (outright mutated, good lord) zombie Jynx, Benji just becomes a normal severed head. Joy.

Who is going around decapitating everything?



Anyway, we have a house along with a pen of a zombies. Believe it or not, that's the Pokecenter. Oh, and say hello to Alicia again.



Here we obtain something called the Mush Mask. There is supposed to be a person there but his sprite disappeared for some reason. As for what the Mush Mask does, I have no idea but I guess we're stuck with it now.



"But I think the demons got him. Where'd they take his HMs, I wonder? And what happened to his daughter?"

Believe it or not, this will become relevant in chapter 4. But anyway, let's go bother Alicia!

: "Sup, babe."



"Hmph. I'm surprised you got this far. I thought the demons I left behind in the woods would have taken you down."

: "What?! You're working with them?"

Alicia: "Didn't my trainer class give it away? I'm a Deathcaller, a servant of Lord Gravetric."

: "Who's that?"

Alicia: "Why should I tell YOU anything? But since my demons couldn't get rid of you, I guess I'll have to instead!"

Oh no, how can we possibly --





Alicia has some new Pokemon, but they are practically nothing compared to what you had to deal with to get here. Nor are they that big of a threat compared to the person who comes after her. You should be able to get rid of her arrogant ass easily.

Also, don't worry about all that Gravetric business. It won't come into play until much later on.

Future Dan: Do we ever get a proper person to attach this name to?



: ("You're lucky I don't use you as a scratching post, nya!")



[Theme that starts playing after you beat Alicia: May's theme (???)]

: "... Whatever. I've already called up a good number of demons. I'll just file my report back to Verdanturf."

... It just occurred to me that Alicia may have been an optional fight. But I'm pretty sure you were meant to talk to her regardless since she's the first non-zombie person in the area.

Besides, it's fun to kick her ass unlike everybody else here.



Do you want me to rip you apart like the other demons that got in the way?

By the way, I should really put in walk-through-walls to see if he's hiding anything in that house. Anyway, let's go to school!



Doing great. The Demon Horn is just the Quick Claw with a different name. That diary, however...



"We blocked the door today with Derek's corpse but it doesn't seem to do any good. However many times we block it up, the demons always try to eat their way through again... We're running out of food and guns... Elise was taken today. It's just me today. I'm going to do it. With the last bullet..."

... Good lord, Cutlerine. Wish we had more of this tragic writing in the actual game, but that's what you have me for, isn't it?



But now for some more plot!

???: Hm. He's late. This is not acceptable.

[Enter a demon corpse from the right]



Dantalion: "I apologize, master. This body is rather slow. It is a result, I believe, of the legs having been removed."

???: "Make sure you acquire another one soon. I will require you to be at your best when we challenge Them."



???: "DON'T mention their names! Being of such power as They can hear their names whispered over many miles. I don't wish to bring down their wrath upon us before we are ready."

Dantalion: "Yes, master."

???: "Be silent. Although I have cloaked us with a field of invisibility, the demons of this place will hear us if we do not keep our voices down. I have found the vessel that is summoning them, however. It is in a cave to the northeast of here. Together, we will dismantle it."

Dantalion: "Yes, master."

This is foreshadowing and all but trust me we will collectively slap our foreheads when we get there. Still, I do like a little bit of intrigue.



: "What was that? Who were they? Something about them felt familiar - is it possible that I've met them before? And how is it possible that I could see them when plainly nobody else could?.... I guess it doesn't matter. If they're going to stop these horrific demons, then they're my allies. I'd better go help them! I might even get some answers in the bargain!"

Oh Jack, you're so quick to trust a random stranger accompanied by a loyal demon corpse servant. Never change.



"..... Authorized Personnel only."

: "Whew. That was close. I almost went in somewhere where I wasn't meant to!"

Jack, you're a bit too law-abiding for your own good.



Go into the gym and you can get Rock Tomb. That's neat, I guess. Let's go into the house right next to the gym.



"This Hiker is dead. Someone has hollowed him out with their teeth from behind, so if you wanted to, you could get inside of him and wear him like a suit."


He contains a Zombie Liver, too. Which is just major



"Those zombies in the pen down there? They're food for us, dear. By the way, that's a lovely body you managed to get yourself. Not a scratch on it!"

: "Uh... yeah. Heheh."

So the demons eat the zombies and this guy thinks I'm a demon corpse too. Yeah sure ok, I'm just with it

Also, I think this is a good time for a new grinding session. Cause trust me, we will need it.



This guy has a Dirtkrow. Which is not that much of a problem anymore considering Ambes is properly leveled up.



Ahem.

Orobas (and Dantalion, considering we passed him up when he appeared) are both up next. Orobas is a Great Prince of Hell that essentially serves as an oracle as he knows all the answers and never decieves anyone. He is depicted as a horse that changes into a man at the conjurer's request. (he lost because he was a sissy)

Dantalion, on the other hand, is a Great Duke of Hell that teaches all arts and sciences and comes in many shapes and sizes. Which honestly I can buy because when we see Dantalion next time, he's not in a rotting old person body like the other dumb demons here.



However his companion, Kent the severed head, is much more of a pain in the ass. For you see, he has TWO EYE-EYES. And they both use Powder Snow 100% of the time. Wonderful.

Anyway, I decided to do a bit more talent searching and I came back with a very promising result.





: ("Ready for action, boss!")

His name is Ace, by the way. I took the screen capture before I put in the name. Sorry about that.



Alice, I'm afraid you're going to be benched.

: ("Wh-but why, nya! I thought I was doing such a good job!")

: "We need to switch the team around once in a while. It's nothing personal."

: ("Oh sure, that's what they always say...")

Sorry babe. You were a true credit to the team when you were around, but now it's Ace's time to shine. Speaking of him -



: ("I haven't even broken a sweat. Mind giving me a real challenge?")

He joined us at level five not even 10 minutes ago. THIS IS HOW QUICKLY HE DESTROYED EVERYTHING WHILE TRAINING. (admittedly speed-up helped too)

Such a promising start.



Go up to Route 115 aaand it's blocked off by a tree. That's how you know plot is in that direction. Let's not go there.



Let's instead meet up with the man with the red-colored text.

[He turns around]


: "Wha--?"

???: "Don't pretend to be confused. You can't fool me, even disguised as you are."

: "Who - Who are you? I've lost my memory. And you look familiar......"







???: "Very well. You may call me Gleis. It seems I have mistaken you for someone else. You must possess an uncommonly strong Second Sight in order to be able to see me - and I know only one other human that has that power. That is where my confusion arose from."



: "I overheard you earlier saying you were going to destroy that thing that was making the demons appear. And... I want to help. I came to look for my brother and his girlfriend, but an old woman tole me to drive the demons away. So I said I would and I'm going to. So let me help."



Gleis: "But I am not sure you are quite up to the task. If you please, may I test you first, to see if you may be of any aid?"

: "Of course!"

Gleis: "Then let us begin!"



Well, here we go. Gleis here is a Taoist. His trainer class is actually relevant in more than just face value and honestly I kind of like his sprite. Do not let your guard down as he could potentially be the absolute worst opponent so far, hands down.



: ("What the bloody hell is that thing!?")

PANIC ALARM

Faceleech, oh my god. This thing is outright evil. See, it may be a one trick pony, but it's a nasty one trick.

See, Faceleech's main gimmick is that it's the purest definition of a glass cannon. This thing outspeeds Ambes, who is already pretty damn fast as he is. It could potentially sweep the entire team with a few Poison Fangs.

How are you supposed to beat it if it's so overpowered? See, Faceleech has excellent attack and speed growth (along with Speed Boost of all abilities) but its defenses and health are literally 1. Not even joking.

It is also / type.



: ("Try and get me with your facehole now, you overgrown slug!")

Ace used Quick Attack and it took down Faceleech almost instantly. Funny thing, I used Quick Attack with Ambes earlier but it wound up leaving Faceleech with just enough health to murder everybody. So as far as I'm concerned, this bird came right out of nowhere and saved the entire team.

Get Ace some Kamina Shades and a beer. He deserves it.



Even his text in battle is red. (i don't know what else to add, i'm still in shock)



: " I shall now heal your Pokemon."

[fade-to-black transition with healing sound effect]

Hey, he's honorable at the very least.

: "My servant, Dantalion, is waiting at the cave mouth to the east. I'll go and join him. When you have prepared yourself, please join us and I will explain what must be done."



And with that, I think that's a good spot to end off this update. Route 116 is up next and it shouldn't be that bad... right? See you then.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Current Team:

(Reggie, , Level 12, /) - "I'm feeling it my brothers, we're shaping up to be a pretty good team!"
(Bellamine, , Level 12, ) - "I don't like the look of that Gleis. He's not even trying to be trustworthy..."
(Ace, Level 15, , /) - "If you wanted anything less than the best, you should have picked another Taillow."
(Zagon, Level 13, , ) - [Shaking the blood from the various Eye-Eyes off of her fur]
(Ambes, Level 14, , ) - "Oh god, please let my family be safe..."
(Benedict, Level 9, /) - [shake, shake]

Post Edit Dan: If I'm not mistaken, this was the first time the team set-up was properly introduced.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Portrait Credits:

Let's get to business already. There's a zombie fresh for experience hogging.



"It was once a zombie, but either Gleis or Dantalion has carefully removed all of its bones through its nose and now it can't move."

That's some Mortal Kombat fatality **** right there.




"It was once a zombie, but either Gleis or Dantalion has nailed it to the ground with its own amputated arm."

These guys are very effective, I'll give them that. At least this means I don't have to deal with as many headaches this episode.



Here's a Repel in case you don't want to deal with wild Mons. The area above us is completely sealed off for the moment, so let's not bother with it now.



"It was once a zombie, but either Gleis or Dantalion has buried its feet in the Earth and cut off its hands. Now it is stuck and wobbles in a comical manner."

On one hand I feel like laughing but on the other hand I feel pity for the damn thing.



"It was once a zombie, but Gleis has torn its face off and tied its brain to a tree root. You know it was Gleis who did it because its head is covered in Faceleech spit."

Nasty. Faceleech was evil when we fought it, but I'll give it this. It's super metal.

Also, Ace got into a fight offscreen and lost to another Taillow. Amazing.

: ("Not my best showing, hah...")



"It's a strange demonic creature like a snail, except it uses this man's corpse as its shell. It looks like it's going to move very, very slowly."

... Just roll with it. It'll get out of the way eventually. For now we have more pressing matters.



It's a blue-haired athlete dude.

: "Ye-yes?"

???: "I am Dantalion, servant of the one you call Gleis."



Dantalion: "Yes I have. What do you think of this one, by the way? Does it suit me?"

He's hitting on Jack like a goddamn wrecking ball.



: "... Yeah, sure."



Dantalion: "Thanks. Anyway, the Master has instructed me to remain outside and keep a lookout. He wants you to go inside - I shouldn't keep him waiting if I were you."

: "Ok. Thanks, Dantalion."

I don't even know what to say about this.





is that a new grinding session i smell



"Come over here and we'll talk further."

Huh. Let's talk to the girl before we do anything.



"This girl's eyes glow a soft silver. She murmurs unintelligible nothings under her breath. The words are red and shudder angrily in her mouth."

That's legitimately unnerving. What the hell even happened to her?



[Current Audio: Elite Four Appears]

"Then I shall tell you. One sets up a suitable vessel for the demons to flow through from the Pit, and then one casts the appropriate spell. This girl here is the vessel - she is channeling the demons through. If I can break the spell on her, no more demons will appear."

: "So what do I do?"

I don't know why it took me until now to question why demons are a thing in Pokemon, but... eh?




"When the demons in the Pit sense their portal to this world being closed, they will flock towards it in the hopes of getting through before it closes. I need you to beat them back before they can get through."

: "Y... you're serious. Okay. I'm ready when you are."

Oh no. What did we get ourselves into?



[White flash followed by two more]



Landon: "May? Oh she's gone shopping in Slateport with her friend Elise - you know, the Cut Man's daughter.

[White flash]

: "Are you quite alright, Jack? You appear to be swaying slightly."

: "Yeah, I'm fine I think. It was just a little flashback... I remembered who this girl was. She's the Cut Man's daughter - I remember her. I'm ready to go now!"

: "Very well. I'll begin work on breaking the spell."



Oh christ, here we go. What is it going to be?





I... what. Let's dissect what we're looking at here. It's a messily put together red guy with Brock's eyes, a Groudon claw and a Zangoose claw. Wearing black pants.

Wow, the demon corpses looked a lot scarier. I know this hack does not exactly contain the best sprite quality, but Cutlerine could have gotten creative and made the demon guys like super-hell Pokemon or something. Instead we got this weird half-way thing? I dunno, man.



Belial here has two Anorith, though. Why that Pokemon of all things I'll never know, but apparently Anorith are the spawn of the devil now. Also, I mulled it over and gave Grasswhistle to Reggie. Surprisingly, it worked.

However, it woke up on the switch to Bellamine (the Anorith know Harden - physicals be damned) so it wasn't that great.



Now here's something funny. They know Mud Sport, just in case you decided to bring in a Pikachu. And the only other person that has a good chance of hurting this thing was Ace. So technically Bellamine saved the day for this fight.

Not that it was much of a threat to begin with.



: "It was something by the general meaning of: 'I dislike you intensely."

I don't like you either, Belial.



Awww here we go. This has to be promising.



... It's literally the same guy but with a different name!

Second verse same as the first with the fight too, cause they both have the same Pokemon. Also, demonology.

Belial is a King of Hell (#68 in the Lesser Key of Solomon) and was created as the first spirit after Lucifer. He has the power to distribute senatorships and gives excellent familiars. He must be presented with offerings, sacrifices and gifts, or else he will not give true answers to demands. So you could describe him as basically a super-competent hiring guy.

Asmodeus, on the other hand, is another King of Hell (#32). His appearance is something that Cutlerine could have really taken advantage of, as Asmodeus is described as "strong, powerful and appears with three heads; the first is like a bull, the second like a man, and the third like a ram; the tail of a serpent, and from his mouth issue flames."

Like imagine that instead of this Brock-wannabe with a Groudon claw.



Bellamine politely shows them the way back into Hell.



: ("What are you talking about, Jack? These are the easiest fights we've been in so far.")

: ("I know, but this could get nasty if we keep going so let's just stop here.")

: ("I understand.")

: "I have almost completed the required spell, Jack. Give me a moment more... There! Done it!"




[Elise blinks in and out of existence before disappearing entirely]



: "It would appear that she was consumed by the energy released from the ending of the spell. It is just as well. If she had not absorbed it, the energy would have killed us."

Oh god, we killed her.

... Not that it matters that much given she was a minor character that didn't exist before this scene.



: "We will meet again some day."

[Fade to black]



: "Still, I suppose I can't expect driving out demons to be a bed of roses. Now that they're driven out, I should continue my search for my brother and May. Maybe someone in Verdanturf knows something about them."

Like I said. Jack's reactions to everything are appropriate for the situation and that's why I like him.

Also, thank god the game actually signposts us towards where we have to go - a disturbing amount of actual RPG Maker developers that still haven't figured that out and Cutlerine was doing it better here at age 16.



I couldn't resist.

Not sure if Pumbloom is going to be used at all, but Exploud is pretty badass. So I'll keep him in mind.



You can get a Max Ether here.

Again, I don't recommend ever using these as they're part of the too-good-to-use club. Let's make our way to Verdanturf and see what's been changed.



[Current Audio: Verdanturf Town]

Yeah, no kidding. This place got destroyed. I should also mention that Verdanturf has always been one of those songs that really touch my heart, so to hear it to this scene where the town is practically a crater makes me kinda sad.

It's like a shadow of its former self.

[White flash]


: "What's with this flashback? They don't usually hurt as much - Aagh!"



Pestilence: "Ha! The boot is on the other foot now! I knew you couldn't stand against us. And now all that's left is to bid you... adieu!"

[Extended white flash]



: "What was that?"

Damn, Jack, you must have taken a real fumble if you wound up there. I'm surprised he doesn't have any bruises.



"I'll bring you to my boss."

She has a boss? Are we at Gravetric already?



Oh. Never mind.

: "You're - you're Pestilence! But... from where do I know you? And why can't I remember anything about you other than your name?"



Pestilence: "YOU! What are YOU doing here? I thought you were dead, destroyed along with that deadbeat town... But wait. You say you only remember my name?"



I love how nonchalantly Jack says this after Pestilence just said "I thought you were dead" and the fact that her name is PESTILENCE. He's either not caring or having an incredible lapse of logic. It's the latter, I'm afraid.

Pestilence: "At least I had some success. I may have not killed you, but the impact appears to have at least erased your memory. Needless to say -"



Pestilence: "Pestilence, the only female member of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, cannot afford any loose ends!"

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

Cutlerine, out of everything you could have picked from the pre-existing mythos of Pokemon available to you during Gen 4, you went with the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? He really wanted to make a more typical dark fantasy story.

I mean, come on, dude. At least make them Pokemon if you're going to do this!



Her sprite is blech too, but I guess it fits since she's supposed to be... sickly, I dunno.



Pestilence being the horseman of disease would explain why she has like two of these. Also, I think the zombification of Grimer made it even more gross looking. But guess what? It's still just Poison type.



: ("Disgusting!")

This woman is absolutely stealing the show today. That's my girl.



Pestilence's Pokemon, aside from the Moulders, is this Qwilfish. Don't be fooled - this is actually not Qwilfish.

It is in fact Tentacool with a Qwilfish reskin. This will become much more relevant as time passes. Also, she's pretty hard if you don't properly train up a Pikachu as demonstrated by the beating she left on Ambes.



They're called grinding sessions, babe. Villains could benefit from doing them too.

(I say this while knowing what comes next.)



: "No matter. We shall leave this base for now and build ourselves another one. Come, Alicia!"

[She walks offscreen]




"Please forgive me for attacking you all those times, but... Times have changed. I work for the Horsemen now and I can't show you any mercy. I won't fight you this time, but next time I'll go all out against you."

I do not buy this for one second.



: "... It's no use. She's not coming back."

What was Jack even going to ask Alicia? I'm curious now.



"What is going on here? How do all these people know me? And why can't I remember anything about them?"

[White flash]

: "Wait a minute. What's that?"



: "I remember what this is!"


Hot damn, we finally get a Pokedex!



"Is this my brother's? He had one, I think. No, wait. He had completed his, I seem to remember. May had one that she didn't finish, didn't she? So this is hers! But what was Pestilence doing with May's Pokedex? Hm... I probably stand a good chance of finding out if I continue on my search. For now, I'll use this Pokedex myself."

Cool. With that revelation, let's actually use our brand new Pokedex.



Let's look up Ralts to see the earliest possible place we can pick one up.



LILYCOVE?! ARE YOU FOR REAL?!

Man, now I'm glad I cheated to get Bellamine. I am not waiting until we get to there of all places.



I should mention that Verdanturf has some really weird thing going on where the exit pointer constantly shows up as you face down but there's no exit that goes to the south. I guess he just didn't want people to get confused by this layout or something.



"The zombie appears to have been made completely dizzy by the heat of the lava. Its dry body is on the verge of catching on fire, so you'd better move away."

I'm really glad Cutlerine didn't make zombie Pokemon that explode. Because that would have been disgusting.




"This Charizard appears to be enjoying the heat here. You think about catching it, but as it has a collar around its neck, you decide it belongs to someone, and leave it alone."

Jack being a goody two-shoes again. Do you know the damage we can cause with a Charizard, man?!



Feh. Let's go into this cave.



WHAT

This isn't a cave.



"Welcome to Endless Plains. Thank you for visiting and please stay within the force field."

I admit it's much more deserving of the Verdanturf music than the actual town now, but... Where the hell are we? Were we teleported here?

Also, even though it's called Endless Plains, this map isn't that much bigger than a house. I guess that's just how much the "force-field" covers.



Sweet. Now we can progress through the route above Rustboro.



My main man Larry always has the goods.



Back on Route 116, the demon snail with a man-shell has moved out of the way. If this was any other game, it... would still sound kinda weird.



"This man has had his brains delicately scooped out through a hole in his skull the size of a ten pence piece. You are beginning to suspect that the zombies have an unusual sense of style when it comes to killing people."

Almost comically uncharacteristic for the zombies that we've seen so far. It must have been a much more powerful kind of zombie. Also,



He gives us the Snakewood equivalent of the Amulet Coin. That's alright, I suppose.



As we try to leave the Route, we get called by Birch.



"Hey, Jack, it's me! Listen, I've got news for you. I managed to reprogram an old military satellite and have got a working connection with Dewford Town. Because it's an island, it appears they're completely unaffected by the plague."

: "That's cool and all, Prof, but what does any of this have to do with me?"




"Your brother and May were seen in Dewford a few weeks ago. You should go and investigate."

: "Okay. How do I get there?"





"Here's the tricky bit. You'll need HM Surf and a Balance Badge to get there. I don't know where you can find the HM, but I know there's a couple of survivors from Norman's gym. I think they might have a badge or two lying around - look for them around Rustboro and ask."

: "Okay. Will do. See you, Birch."

: "I'll call you later. See you, Jack."

Alright, we have a definite mini-goal to reach. Cool, cool. Although it's pretty obvious Landon or May are still not on Dewford.



Upon coming into this route, there's completely nothing on the left. Well, nothing we can do without Surf just yet.



Go to the right and you get a Super Potion and some Bluk berries if you have the crazy idea to do Pokeblocks in this hack.

(spoiler alert: You can't. Neither them or contests are in Snakewood, which makes sense.)



Uh? That's not right. I didn't use cheats this time either, so that's a legitimate map error.



"Hey! This dead guy's got a Pokeball on him. Let's see what it contains."



Okay, hold the phone.

Jack wasn't comfortable with stealing three Pokemon that were in the middle of nowhere, but he's perfectly fine with looting off of dead peoples' bodies? What kind of sense does that make?





(So glad Sun and Moon did away with this mechanic, by the way)



There we go. I would use Magikarp... if I were predictable, but the thing it has is much more important.

(By the way I like Gyarados but I feel the spot for this adventure would be better filled up by something else, preferably one of the new Fakemon)








We give it to Zagon because she's the most useful HM Slave Pokemon on the team.



Also, I don't know what to do with Benedict. All it knows is Leech Life. Maybe it should get the bench after this episode? I dunno.



Also, hello zombie (ghost) girl. She has a zombie Ivysaur and that's all fine and good.



However, she also has something much worse.



(kinda) RUDE CRUDE DUDES ALERT

Charmeworm () here is basically an upgraded Rotmander, with all of the things that made the first one hard to deal with. He also has Smokescreen, which makes trying to hit him an absolutely lovely experience.

I like that he has the Charizard shiny colors, at least.



I did not prepare for him, so Zagon got kicked out of the fight. Poor gal.

But Ace gets to show off his skills once again.


Ah yes, the sound that I just made after seeing that sprite again.



Rock Smash? Well, I'll keep this in mind for later.



Huh. There's a lady here that doesn't have a mangled sprite. Let's talk to her.



"I'm the only trainer left alive from Petalburg Gym. That makes me the Gym Leader and means I need to uphold its honor by defeating you!"

Bring it on.



The Gym Leader theme isn't playing, by the way. That's a bit lame.



RUDE CRUDE DUDES ALERT (for real this time)

Christ almighty. Zangoose doesn't just look threatening - she can absolutely rip you apart with a Swords Dance boost. It's a pretty heinous strategy for this early in the game, and it makes Zangoose as strong as Faceleech in some regards.

There was also a Delcatty as the second Pokemon. Cute Charm wound up being really annoying, but I don't have much to say as she got criticaled by Reggie. I did have an Alice joke in there to make, but I didn't feel like it would work.



Regardless of any fallacies on my part, Laura falls.

: ("Not so tough, eh mon?")



She gives us the Balance Badge!

But no TM though. She said she could only escape with the badges so that's a shame.



"Now, go and prove I wasn't just weak! Go and beat some zombies!"

: "You don't have to tell me twice."

Alright, sweet. Now that we have the Balance Badge, we can use surf now. But wait a second, let's take a look at our team.





: ("Oh.")

Oh wow, WE GOT ROCKED



There we go, much better. But take a note, everybody: If an enemy has used Swords Dance at least twice, drop the fight and run away. There is no shame in it.



Cutlerine changed the surfing message too. Although it may not make sense now, we'll be surfing on more than just water in this game. Just trust me.





With that said... Next time on Pokemon Snakewood, we'll be heading to Dewford.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team set-up:

: (Reggie, level 16, has Leftovers, , /) - "You alright there, fellas?"
(Bellamine, level 17, , ) - "We should be fine, Reggie. That Nurse Joy knew what she was doing."
(Zagon, level 14, , ) - "Whee!" [doggy paddles hard enough to carry Jack around]
(Ambes, level 16, , ) - "At least the zombies can't get us here. Maybe I should cool off by fighting some water type Pokemon."
(Ace, level 17, has Anadrin Talon, , /) - [Keeping a lookout]
(Benedict, level 9, /) - [Doing egg things]
(Alice, level 10, , ) - "How dare they leave me behind!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Portrait Credits:

3.5 is more of a bonus episode than anything because nothing that happens in here should be considered part of the actual let's play.



We last left Jack and his merry crew on the entrance to Route 116. However, since I felt like it, I bestowed him a new but temporary power.



: "WHAT IS THIS WITCHCRAFT"

That's right, we're going to use the walk-through-walls code to go places where we're not supposed to be. It's gonna be a show today, folks.



Remember this building that Jack was too much of a coward to go in? Let's break some rules.



Where the hell did we just wind up? We went from the outside of an ornate building to a depressing looking submarine place. Turns out this is an area we're not supposed to be at for another few updates. Whoops.

With that said, let's visit that stupid demon corpse that blocked our way into that house.



Don't think I forgot, either.



Uh? This house looks normal. Surely those two must be horribly mutilated corpses.



... No, they're completely fine. They even give us beginner advice and everything. They must be some very lucky survivors or Cutlerine just didn't want to go through the effort of hacking this house.

You ever wonder what it would be like to live in a world of monsters like Pokemon? 'Cause now that that's crossed my mind, I think it's a very interesting question.



"What's hard? You have to ask? It's trying to figure out what to make for meals every day. It really isn't easy coming up with meals every day."

I love how in a zombie apocalypse setting, this unchanged dialogue makes everything much, much chintzier than it actually is.

Honestly, this is the problem my mom has almost all of the time. Sometimes she just orders fast food instead of cooking dinner. Or I have to cook food myself for everybody.



: "Oh god I'm in a closed off area surrounded by zombies!"



: "... Wh.. what the hell?"

Sentient talking zombies! They're becoming more intelligent!

... Actually, no.

These are just NPCs that have the zombie overworld sprites but their lines are completely unedited from the vanilla game. Cutlerine didn't plan on you using walk-through-walls to communicate with them.

But now that we are talking with them, it makes everything either more horrifying or more silly depending on your perspective.



The same thing applies to these kids. They just spout stuff about Pokemon evolving. I honestly don't know what Cutlerine was going for when he put them running back and forth here. At least the zombie pen had a bit of an explanation.



Back in the house where fought Orobas and Kent (*shiver*), I never went to investigate these stairs.



"These stairs are broken and don't look safe to climb. Also there are skulls scattered on them."



It doesn't take you anywhere. Aww.



Cut to Petalburg, and it turns out that the door leads to the gym like it's supposed to. But wait, something doesn't feel right here. The bastard-o-meter is going off the charts. Let's go into a room.



Oh hey, there's zombies here too. I wonder what Pokemon she has?



: ("GWAK!")



WE ARE DEFINITELY NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE, HOLY ****



Oh god. That nearly gave me a heart attack the first time I saw it. I can definitely see why Cutlerine sealed the place off, christ.

Now that we're in Oldale though, let's slip through this pesky blockade.



Huh. There's a lady there along with a path on the right.



"He'll be dead now, of course. No one survived here. Sob... I don't need this anymore..."



Oh.

By the way I have no idea when this is supposed to happen. But at the very least we got it out of the way now while the zombie apocalypse is still relevant.

While we're at it, let's go appraise the Broken Heart item.



... Larry. I know it's an organ but can you do me a solid, please?

But let's be real here. Cutlerine, you put in an object called the Broken Heart that can't be sold nor does it do anything when used. It's cute and all, but all it does it clog up space. Thankfully you can just dump away the Broken Heart. I wouldn't want to keep it anyway, cause ewww.

EDIT: Upon further inspection, it does have a use. I just didn't discover it at this point.



BOW DOWN BEFORE THE SECOND COMING OF POKEMON JESUS

-
Future Dan speaks: This is amazing foreshadowing.
-

I should mention that walk-through-walls is actually limited. See, you can go through things just fine, but if you hit an NPC or something that has a solid border (like where you would normally surf to get onto the water) it doesn't work. Going through otherwise inaccessible areas like the trees help you get back to normal ground, however.

There are also invisible walls at the edges of every map, so you can't just walk into game crashes (Gen 1's glitch grass on Route 1) or enter a weird glitch dimension with ****ed up music (every time you go out of bounds in Gen 2)

I should also mention that there are still wild encounters even as you're walking on the water, so don't get too excited.



Back on Route 101, there was this house next to the Broken Heart lady. It's the Trick Master's house, but the sad Abandoned Ship music (a song that I've loved ever since I heard it, by the way ) is playing instead. I don't like the look of this.



But let's not worry about that. Let's get yelled at by Cutlerine as we try to leave.

Booming Disembodied Voice: "The time is not yet right, Jack. Leave this place at once!"

: "Er... okay."

Alrighty then. Well, that's pretty much the end of this little mini-update. I'm not going to put up the team display because none of these bonus episodes are canon.

Since I felt the team was a bit unsuited to what was coming up ahead, I did a grinding session before the update started. Everybody's just a bit more badass than they were before.

There's also nothing up in the area where you fought Laura, by the way - it's cut off by boulders. Rockblocked, you may say.

... Yeah, I'll stop



Go back here and you get a Caramac. Cutlerine changed every stat-boosting item to a kind of confectionery treat. I like the idea even if it means we'll wind up with cavities by the end of this.



In the forest you can get a Great Ball and a few X-boosting battle items. It's not really that much of a prize, but what the hell let's just go with it.



Back to our regularly scheduled program, we were surfing to go to Dewford. In the water here you can find Qwilfish, Wingull and Pelipper. Pelipper in particular give a ton of EXP (390+!) so they're practically invaluable if you're going to grind in the water areas.



Also, new team member. Say hello to Ballin', who was also inspired by Haydunn's Nuzlocke of Snakewood. Ballin, much like Zagon, gets a buff in this hack as opposed to the real games. Just wait and see until what it is.



This swimmer lady here has a Sealeo of all things. Not too terribly threatening. Plus, I like how because of the water there are no zombies to bother anybody.



: ("Of all the rotten luck!")

... YOU'RE SERIOUS.

FREEZE HAX



Let us never speak of this again. This swimmer lady asks you "Why did I fight you, again?" when you beat her, which is the question that everybody in the Pokemon games should ask.



"I'm swimming to Dewford for safety, but I guess I can stop and have a battle. I mean, there's no zombies after us, after all!"



She has two Wailmer, by the way. They're less of a threat and more giant experience pinatas. One of them doesn't even attack, either!



"What am I supposed to do now that you've KO'ed my Pokemon?"

: "Then maybe you shouldn't have fought me if you knew that would have been a problem?"



"So I decided to become a pirate instead!"

But all you have to do is hose 'em with seawater and they die. The zombies are not that hard to kill, dude. Also, hey a new trainer class.



... Which just uses Drake's sprite. At least it fits.



Would you look at that. See, another change that Cutlerine included is that while he didn't exactly tinker regarding the zombified Pokemon aside from sprites, he did switch types around for the more conventional Pokemon. For example, Meowth and Persian are now /.

I dunno, that's kinda cool to me.

Future Dan: (He also predicted the future because Alolan Meowth/Persian would be Dark type.)



: [Happy egg noises]

But even better is that Benedict actually killed something on his (its? It's an egg - we don't know what it actually is yet) own! The first thing they beat and it's a / Meowth. I would have never guessed, to be totally honest.



CRUDE DUDE alert

Persian here is awfully strong due to the STAB-boosted Crunch he has. Also, the tendency he has to critical with Slash is not favorable. Thankfully if you chose Paras or just... any Bug Pokemon in general, this shouldn't be that bad to deal with.



: ("Ya, lookin' a bit rough there.")

This isn't just some random unique trainer class reserved for one guy, either. These guys show up multiple times in the next town we're going. And that you are, mate.



"Haha! Don't worry, we can't be attacked here. Since we're safe, how about a battle like trainers used to have?"

... You know, maybe it's just because I'm a sap but that line kinda hit me. Like remember, no matter how crazy this story gets with all the irrelevant stuff Cutlerine puts into it, it is still taking place in a destroyed Hoenn region. Which kinda tugs at my heartstrings.



Future Dan: Yes, you are a sap.



That aside, this dude had a Carvanha that Benedict managed to overpower.

I know last episode I said I was going to bench them, but now more than ever I know that's a bad idea.



... We get another Broken Heart. Alright, these things must be like the Heart Scales of this hack. It doesn't make any sense why you can't sell them or use them normally otherwise.



Now that we're actually on Dewford, we find a Riesen aka. a Protein.

Zagon gets it because she's going to need it.



Let's go ask around to see if there's anything of interest.



"The TV Station is no longer broadcasting... I guess all the people got eaten."

Yeah, when you think about it from Dewford's perspective, the entire Hoenn region is falling apart. I would be absolutely horrified for anybody that still lived on the mainland, honestly.



"This Plus Band... It was a gift from my girlfriend, Laura. She worked at Norman's gym... She's probably dead now. I don't want it anymore..."

Oh...

: "Don't worry pal, she's still alive and kicking. She almost kicked my ass, to be frank. She can handle herself."



It will look absolutely fabulous on Zagon at the very least. Especially when she rouges it with the blood of her enemies.



"There're rumors that when Groudon awoke three years ago that the sunlight it summoned stayed in Granite Cave, and that's why you don't need Flash in there anymore."

THANK THE LORD. This is honestly a cool bit of exposition, though.



"Those who have surfed or swam over here have told us terrible stories about the mainland."

See what I mean? Let's go to Dewford Hall.



"I hear there's a monster in Solar Caverns. At least, when anyone goes near, we think we hear something roaring."

I'll keep that in mind when we get shooed away from entering the cave early.



: "The zombies are utter nightmares, man! You'd be lucky to make it out of a battle. Just trust me."



"Oh. It's just a startingly ugly painting."

I know it's just a few pixels, but it doesn't look that bad.



"I'm still watching TV, even though the TV Station's no longer broadcasting... Sigh. I don't even like watching TV."

I can relate, as I don't like watching TV either. It's sort of why I stick to Youtube for entertainment nowadays, to be honest.



"No, no, no! These are trainers who've escaped the zombie plague. They're too traumatized and tired to talk with you... Damn, I'm thirsty."


Bruh, I don't even want to talk with the trainers. I just want to get the item you have in there. I think you have to give him a lemonade or something to let you pass. I dunno.



"I saw it! A huge monster flying overhead! Why does no one believe me?"

Given how everybody's making a fuss about a monster in the cave, why wouldn't they believe this kid? Logic.

Let's try to go into the Solar Cave, actually.



[Venusaur cry]



: "Whatever's in there, I don't want to enter."

Admittedly, if I heard something like that in real life, I'd be a bit disinclined to enter too, but we could probably kick its ass. I am absolutely fearless/reckless.



"I train with my Makuhita on the beach every day in the hope of emulating its unstoppable Arm Thrust!"

Arm Thrust? Well, different strokes for different folks...



Your name is Smash Shot?!

Why would your parents name you th-- then again, the default name for our main hero had a lovely range between Wraith, Shade, Dark, etc. I don't know why Norman would choose those names for his oldest son, so... Jack is best.

Smash here has two Makuhita, which were relatively easy to take out. So much for unstoppable Arm Thrust.



However, he does have this badass. Hitmontop has always been one of those Pokemon that have been a mystery to me. It's one that I could never be able to obtain in the real games because the qualification of having both Attack and Defense be equal is one that I don't know how you would do.



Even without Triple Kick and all of that being effective, look at how much damage it did to Bellamine. Just imagine the pain everybody else would have gone through!



Wait, what?



: ("Nobody can catch up to me now, haha!")

AWWW DAMN

This is a sign of good things to come.



"That's my son out training on the beach. Did you know that before he tried Arm Thrust, he learned how to do Ice Punch? No? Well, he made it into a TM. I want you to have it!"

awwwww snap



What a generous town. I love these people.



"The Leader here used to be a guy called Brawly. He used the Fighting type. But since he got promoted to the Kahuto Elite Four, we've got a new girl. She's way stronger than Brawly was."

He got promoted to the Elite Four of another region? That's... interesting, I suppose. At least he didn't die or something.



Into the Gym and oh no

it's dark like in vanilla

this is gonna blow



"I'm the Advisor. I'm no Trainer, no not me, but I can sure give you winning advice! So listen: Haruko uses the Dark-type. It's a fragile type that won't take a Fighting type move, but can deal out massive damage with their rapacious talons and big teeth."

Well, this is actually a bit interesting. Cutlerine changed the Fighting type gym to be Dark type instead... which genuinely makes the lighting gimmick make more sense? I dunno.

As for the leader: Haruko? Where have I heard that name before? It sure hasn't been in an anime, no sir.



First trainer we fight in the dark is Rocker Tyrone. It's a Dark-type gym, so just what can he throw at us?



Sh-Shinx??

That's right, folks. Aside from putting in new Fakemon, Cutlerine also included Pokemon from later generations. It may not be a new idea, but I like that it mixes things up.

Have I mentioned how cute Shinx are?



But uh-oh, this guy has a Luxio too. To be honest it's not that hard of a fight as the Luxray family is / type now.



: ("Not half bad.")

ESPECIALLY as Reggie's Leech Life rips this guy's health out like a mint-colored milkshake.



Wow, another one already? That grinding really paid off.



she's beautiful



These guys are also in the gym. Film Students are a trainer class that reference something later in the game, mostly around Fortree. The pirate guys carry around Persians and Meowths as usual.

The thing is, though? Now that Zagon is a Linoone with the Plus Band equipped, everything she headbutts just dies. Like unironic one-hit kills. And this isn't even her final form!



pirate power. what is this, one piece



We finally reach Haruko, though. I swear that name is from somewhere really iconic.

Future Dan speaks: Give him a minute, guys.



"Ah! You must be Jack. My trainers have been warning me you're strong. Unfortunately I can't battle you just yet. I need you to do a favor for me. You see, there have been rumors lately that there's something nasty at the bottom of Solar Caverns, and I'd like you to investigate. When you come back, I'll fight you. Is that ok?"

So Haruko won't fight Jack just because of the monster in the cave. At the very least it's not some super huge chain deal quest just to have a fight with the gym leader.



Jack, your optimism is contagious.



Cut to the cave, and suddenly we're going in now. Good thing we don't need Flash to navigate this place. Flash is a dumb idea in the actual game anyway. Why would you need to use your own Flash if there's other people in the cave with you?

At least have it be dark in places where you're the only person there.



"Whew... I barely made it out of there alive. There's something down there, kid. Something real nasty. I don't even wanna think about it."

Well ****. We're already in here, let's keep going. The plot demands it.



: ("Hoho, a trainer! Let's see if you can handle me.")

Literally a few steps later and I run into a Makuhita. I named him Tohru after the Jackie Chan Adventures guy. I like that show, actually, even if it's a bit formulaic.



[Rayquaza roar]

Oh no. I don't like the sound of that, especially as we don't have any good Ice or Dragon types.



A minute didn't even pass yet. We know something's there, dude.





The **** is that?

This is one of the new Fakemon Cutlerine made from scratch. Honestly, I don't like it. It's a boring design and it's not that good a Pokemon, either. Despite that, expect to see Hombone in practically every route after this.

Future Dan: Klawf is literally just this Fakemon but with an actual design.



You have this big stone pedestal for an item ball... and it's just a regular Pokeball. What a troll.



[White flash]

???: "GRAAAAAAAOOOOOGH! Our contract is terminated!"

Apparently, Jack has memories of interacting with something other than the dead and the Horsemen. Also, I know it's not the same as the screencap, but trust me. The person(?) talking needs a different color than Landon.



The next room over, we have an item blocked off with Rock Smash rocks. A shame we don't actually have it now.



[Another Rayquaza roar]




[Very quick image of what looks like a discolored Charizard pops up]



I don't know either, Jack. It popped up so fast I couldn't even take a screencap of it.



The rock contains a Neverstone (ho ho) which is pretty much just the Everstone but with never instead.



Before we head any further, let's do something first.



In hindsight, this makes a lot of sense considering how he was frozen earlier. It is his destiny.



[Flash of light accompanied by Rayquaza roar (x2) and discolored picture again]

: "Uhh... What is this? What is this thing I'm remembering? And what is this contract?.... I guess the only way to find out is to continue."

Jack, we have to do this anyway otherwise we don't get to fight Haruko.



[Jack runs in and looks around]

: "That's odd. There doesn't seem to be anyone here..."




[Yet more Rayquaza roars, accompanied by a flash of light]



: "Huh? What... what is this?"

Since there's no special music playing for this encounter, use this theme instead.



: "Our contract is terminated, human! We have joined the Horsemen now.

[White flash]

: "I... I remember you now. You're Meteor... the Dragon King."

That sounds pretty badass, actually. The sprite may look kind of barfy now, but sometimes it can become this eye-bleeding rainbow-colored mess due to glitches. I was fortunate to get the actual colors for this screenshot.



: "Yes, I am Meteor. I thought Pestilence had arranged for your death?"





Good Uno Reverse, Jack.



: "I suppose I will have to finish the job that she could not complete."

Bring it on, you overgrown lizard.



: "Do you really have to preface every sentence with a roar? It's really startling... and getting kind of annoying."

[Rayquaza roar SFX plays again]



: "Silence! I will eradicate you!"



Meteor looks pretty great... even if his sprite is just shiny Charizard. Also, since he doesn't have a specific music track, just use this song instead.



He sends out what I assume must be the jester of his court of dragons due to looking far less impressive.

Don't let your guard down, though - this guy hurts quite a bit, especially if you didn't train up. Meteor also has an emergency Super Potion if you manage to get his lackey into the red.



Zagon got toasted by this guy's Dragonbreath, so it's up to Ambes to save the day. By the way, this is before the Super Potion gets used.

: ("I've got to do this! Can't be scared now!")


: ("ORA!!")



: ("... I did it!? No way!")

Funny thing, in practice, Ambes actually lost and Bellamine had to do the finishing blow. But then Ice Punch wouldn't have been shown and Ambes really needs this moment.



With that, Meteor goes down.



: "GYAAUOOOOOOOH! We will meet again, mark my words. I may not be able to destroy this town right now, but I'll be back soon enough!"

[Flash of light, followed by Meteor disappearing with another roar]



"What power is it that I lost? Argh, it's so confusing!.... I'd better tell Haruko about this.'

... I feel you, buddy. Besides, you and the guys are pretty damn strong as it is. The team has flown above and beyond in this episode alone.



On your way out, you can get Sunny Day. Appropriate, I guess, considering it's called the Solar Caverns and all.



Next time on Pokemon Snakewood, we fight the Gym Leader. And boy is it going to be an experience.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Team setup:

(Reggie, level 19, , has Leftovers, /) - [Chilling out under the sun]
(Bellamine, level 22, , ) - [Having a nice walk on the beach]
(Zagon, level 23, , ) - [Ecstatic about evolving]
(Ambes, level 23, , ) - "Holy hot damn I really just punched out a dragon!"
(Ace, level 22, has Anadrin Talon, , /) - "You sure gave him a shiner there! Best part was seeing how smug he was until you smashed his face in."
(Benedict, level 15, /) - [Rolls around the beach]
(Alice, level 12, , ) - "Yay, I'm finally out of that stupid box!"


(Tohru, Pumbloom & Ballin are all on standby)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Portrait Credits:

: ("They're gonna be getting the snips now.")

We are NOT messing around this update, folks.



Let's get this party started.



: "Yeah. There was a group of dragons there. Apparently they came with the zombies."

Haruko: "I knew it! I'll have to get the old anti-air gun working again. Anyway, thanks. Now, show me your true power!"

Awwwwww yeah.



Screw the gym leader theme. This is where it's at.

It's Haruko from FLCL. And while her sprite looks a bit... sketchy, it's fine. That aside, Haruko is probably the toughest opponent you'll probably face so far and by god is the fight cool except for one last Mon. It's the longest fight so far standing at 20 screenshots.



She sends out a few fodder Mon, but don't be fooled by that Sneasel. It can Ice Punch you something fierce.



MEGA RUDE CRUDE DUDES ALERT

Absol and Luxray are the most dangerous Pokemon you'll probably have to face yet. Swords Dance Absol and the already pretty damn strong Luxray absolutely ripped apart the team in practice, which is why I had to evolve Reggie.

Haruko also abuses the hell out of her Super Potion stock, so if you get these guys down to red, chances are very high that she'll just bring them back up to green.

She's smart, I'll give her that.



Oh NO. See, this was already after Absol used Swords Dance twice. It was strong enough to rip apart the entire team at its current strength and I wasn't sure if Haruko was going to use another Super Potion. So I just went with my gut.



: ("Good lord. Cutting it a bit close?")

Ace is the king of cool.



As for Reggie... you see this picture? Reggie has Leftovers, Leech Life and has poisoned the Luxray already. While not straight out brute force, Reggie essentially deadlocked Haruko's Luxray into a losing battle no matter how many Super Potions or Bulk Ups she uses.

: ("That's checkmate, mon.")



I knew he would get a chance to shine.



The hell is a Kingma--





Say hello to another new Fakemon, folks. Kingmadio is a series of Madio-type Pokemon that do... things. I don't even know what to say about them other than "what in the blue ****" because they're so odd.



This is its only attack, by the way. Even without Leftovers, Night Shade from this dude won't even leave a scratch. By the way, you're going to have to poison him. For you see, Kingmadio is a / type.



A / type with Wonder Guard. Which essentially means Kingmadio is immune to everything but status moves and Struggle.



At the very least you can wait for his Night Shade to run out or just poison him if you can... but damn if this isn't depressing.

It's such a pacebreaker to what is otherwise a cool fight. It's a required fight too, so it's very likely this is just here to troll the player and nothing else. What even is game design, am I right folks?



A millennium later, Kingmadio finally drops due to poison.



She gives us the badge, along with TM08 (aka. Bulk Up). She says she got the TM from Brawly, which is cool and all but I doubt we'll use it.

She doesn't really say much after that, but that's fine. Let's go back outside.



... Only to immediately get called by Birch.



: "Oops. Forgot to ask someone. But I did kill two dragons."

Wasn't the reason we came here to look for Landon and May? Also, no, you killed(?) one. And that was because Ambes Star Platinum'ed it to death with Ice Punch.

: "That's beside the point! Stop wasting time slaying monsters and find my daughter and your brother!"

: "Okay, okay. I'll ask around. Someone here should know something."

: "See to it that you do."

And then he hangs up. The good professor is getting more than a bit testy.



"Hey, have you seen my brother by any chance? He's the Pokemon League Champion. I'm looking for him."

Kid: "Oh yeah! He surfed over here a couple weeks ago now with May. Said he'd found something amazing up in the desert, and he was going back for it."

: "Thanks, kid."



[Jack is calling Birch]

: "Hello?"

: "I've got a clue of where they're going."

: "Huh? What is it?"

: "Where's the desert?"

: "Surf east, then north to Slateport. Then go north to Mauville. The desert is just up north of there."

: "Thanks." [Hangs up]



Jack, please.

In hindsight, this is the smoking gun that this was written by a 16 year old Cutlerine though, because this is something only a cringy teenager would say.

Anyway, now we have to go to Slateport and beyond.



Before we go, I should take note of this dark patch of diveable water. It's probably going to contain some superbonus stuff later on, so remind me if I forget.



We are immediately greeted with a swimmer guy upon entering Route 107. Although you can just surf past him, I'm going to fight him anyway. In fact, a lot of the fights here are things you have just already seen.



Tabby: "The incredible -
Simon: "Psychic-"
Tabby: "Swimming siblings!"



What.



My thoughts exactly, Jack.



There's this lady blocked off on an island. She must be very important if she gets isolated like this.



"I came here from the Johto region, but got trapped by the zombies. I have to train up if I'm going to swim home!"

It's a nice touch that she has Johto Pokemon, actually. I like that. But unfortunately no training for you.



Oooh, a destroyed ship. Let's go inside.



"But no seriously, you should leave."

Isn't that the same line of dialogue from the beginning of the game? Weird, but at least we're near the ocean for sharks to laser us.

Anyway, nothing we can do here.



Go over here, and you can find a... RageCandyBar?? It essentially serves as the Rare Candy of this hack, so that's interesting. Let's not use it just yet.



"I was a sailor on that ship what the zombies got... so I became a pirate!"

Wait just a second.

The ZOMBIES got the ship? You've already established that there are things other than zombies that can destroy things, and zombies are weak to water/can't enter running water.

So why would you... bah. Never mind. Let's fight.



There's Hayseus, everybody. He has like three Meowths, by the way. Nothing too special.



Okay, Jesus.





Let's have a chat with this fine fellow.

Gentleman: "Ah, a young one!"

[Initiates a battle]

No snappy banter?



He has a Growlithe, a Shinx, a Ponyta and a Raticate. Nothing too hard.



: "... But you were the one... who attacked me... Why is everybody acting so unnecessarily hostile and acting like I'm the bad guy when I beat them up in self-defense?"



By the way, medical bag. Just in case you needed a tune up. You can also find a Caramac if you go to the right.



MY LOVE IS GREATER THAN YOURS.

: ("Not that I love you - ech. We just met, mon.")



Now that we're actually on shore, we get jumped by this Pathetic Pete.



Benedict gets another kill by themselves. They're growing up so fast!



I skipped the fight because it wasn't anything special, but this guy had a Linoone. Not fun.

What could possibly be in the Seashore House, though? We already fought zombies, dragons, demons and one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.



Huh. There doesn't seem to be anything in here. What's the problem?



"This child has been turned inside out, stuffed with salt, and then turned back out again. He is very well preserved."

Wha... what? How would that work? Since it mentioned salt, it couldn't have been a zombie that did it. Also, ewwwwww?


You get a Fire Stone for your troubles, though.





What's this now?



Whoa, look at this dude. He's like some deranged chef monster man.

Meet the Former Chef class, everybody. They will be our enemies for Slateport and onward - there's going to be a lot of them!



Whoa, level thirty. Munchlax here goes down without much of a fight, however. Thank you, Zagon.





Christ, do they have to shriek like banshees all of the time? I can only imagine if you heard this in real life, it would void some bowels.



[Former Chef runs offscreen at a speed I've never seen anybody in Gen 3 go]



This is almost word-for-word what I thought when I first fought that guy.



"Wait a minute. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse... that's Pestilence, Famine, War and Death. The only person that could have made a chef into that starved monster... would be Famine. This must be his dominion. I'd better tread carefully from here on out."

Ooooh. I like how the story is showing that each Horseman has a different kind of monster they control, to be honest.

I mean, in the grand scheme of things this is just distracting from the zombies, but I like rising threats in practically everything.



Before we go any further, let's go get a ton of soda.



Immediately upon stepping into Slateport, we get attacked by two Former Chefs. Both of them with Munchlaxes and...



Kirlia??

Why them of all Pokemon? Why not Gulpin or... another big eater type of Pokemon? But that aside, this is technically the first time you see the Gardevoir family.



That was one Leech Life, though. Reggie is hilariously powerful as a Parasect.



Moving on, we--

[Former Chef appears from the corpse of the girl]



Holy hell.

Aside from his bombastic entrance, this Chef is pretty much the same as the others.



How very Looney-Tunes-like. Also, .



"This crate looks like it'd fall apart if bashed hard with a metal object such as an Arclight Spanner or something."

Very nice to know exactly what it is we need to break this thing.



Inside of the boat house, there's some holes on the right. There's nothing upstairs, by the way, so don't bother checking.



Sure, why the hell not.



Whoa. Where did we just wind up? It has the Abandoned Ship theme () playing which is appropriate I guess, considering this place looks like it's in complete disrepair.



Gateau are the items that the Former Chefs tend to use when their Pokemon are at the red. Essentially they're Hyper Potions but with a fancy name.



Whoa, that's a funky overworld sprite. Let's go talk to that fellow.



: "Then... why are you directly confronting me?"



He has two Hombone. Funny thing, this thing's Rock Blast from this thing killed Bellamine in practice, which was absolutely embarassing.

Zagon kills the first one with Surf (as Hombone are /) while the second one uses -



Bide. No, really. It's just comedy at this point.

Bella stacks up like two Calm Minds while this dude is Biding, with absolutely wonderful results.



: ("Thanks for leaving yourself wide open.")



: ".... Yeah, sure, whatever buddy."

I don't understand how this guy does things. He wants to hide, but jumps out yelling "don't tell anybody I'm here". Like, come on.



Oh? If you guys read through Chapter 3.5 (Gameshark Fun), you'll recognize this room as a part we weren't meant to be at yet. Now we're here for real and that green-haired guy is going to talk to us.



???: "Why, you're in the SS Cangrejo, a submarine built by Mister Michaelangelo of Blue Sky Port in the Visbu region. I'm Usher, his second in command."

Cangrejo is the spanish word for crab, by the way.



Usher mentions that the submarine is busted and Mister Michelangelo doesn't want to pay repairs. Usher and his crew came to Hoenn to explore the underwater depths, but the submarine got stuck in the rocks.

: "Well, can't you fix the engine?"

Usher: "Well, our engineer could indeed fix it. But our engine room is flooded and full of nasty wild Pokemon... if you could clear them out, and also clear out the sea devils that came out of the ocean, then we can fix our engine and go."



I'm surprised out of everything Jack has seen at this point, he's scared of sea devils.

Usher: "Nope. Just jump down into that hole. That'll take you down to the lower levels."

This man.



[Jack walks to the hole in front of him and falls down a floor]



Well damn. Now we're in a brand new dungeon! But I'm afraid that's the end of this episode. See you next time on Snakewood for the ADVENTURES OF THE SS CANGREJO.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Reggie, level 25, has Leftovers, , /) - "Crab, huh?" [looks at his own snappers]
(Bellamine, level 22, , ) - "I can't wait to be a Gardevoir again. I feel so weird being like this again."
(Zagon, level 25, has Plus Band, , ) - [Stays close to Jack]
(Ambes, level 24, ) - "To think. Just the other day I was gathering Oran Berries for my little brother, and now I'm punching zombie faces in."
(Ace, level 25, has Anadrin Talon, /) - "Ugh. Not a fan of enclosed spaces like this - nothing can beat the open blue for me."
(Benedict, level 16, /) - [Doing egg things in the submarine]
(Alice, level 12, ) - [Disappointed that she had to go back into the box]


(Tohru, Pumbloom & Ballin are all on standby)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Portrait Credits:

If this submarine has holes and it's underwater, then how the hell is it not overflowing and sink--



Oh, hey, a new part.



Go down a bit and you'll see these crates. Remember the name Angel Laboratories because I think it might be important later on. I think, anyway.



"This elevator is clearly broken. It's not possible to go any further."

Remember this too, because I know for sure it will become important later.



That's a very noticable tiling error.



"An organ of some kind floats within, connected to the base with wires."

Ugh, nasty. This also gives me flashbacks to that creepy room in the Galactic headquarters where they kept the Lake Trio.



Go down here and I recommend you get into a fight.



For you see, there's Magnemite in the water. Believe it or not, you will need Magnemite later on for something in this submarine.

I should also mention that you can get Magnezone in this hack if you give Magneton a Thunder Stone, which is something that I honestly wish they did in the real games. It would only make sense.



Anyway, say hello to Letro.

: ("I SEE A BRIGHTER FUTURE BY JOINING YOU, BZZZT!")



Go to the right and you'll find this computer room that has practically everything you could need at the moment. A PC for switching, a bed, the works. I would stay here to wade out the horseman apocalypse if this place wasn't so dinged up, to be honest.



There's also this doohickey. For 600 Pokedollars, this thing pops out regular Pokeballs for you. Given how this is the only place you can get some at the moment, I like that Cutlerine did this.



I also found a Luvdisc and called him Love. Because... I felt like it. This is also the last we'll ever see of him, because I don't know why I caught him.

Also, go down south a bit and you'll find this medical kit in case those Pokemon on the water made you a little too wet.



Dive Balls just in case you needed them too.

The drawer Jack is standing in front of contains the Arclight Spanner but I didn't screenshot actually getting it. Whoops.



Go to the left and you'll see this giant machine thing. It's very particular about where you try to fix it.



Alright, cool. I guess the Magnemite event isn't quite this part yet.



"Oh! Thanks for fixing the engine! I came down here to look for the Engineer, but I couldn't find him. I haven't seen anybody about lately."

: "Uh, yeah..."

What would even try to get us down here? The sea devils? If Luvdisc counts as a sea devil then





Aw sweet. Usher's not that bad a guy after all.

[Fade to black followed by teleportation SFX]



"Sorry, the teleport is a little jumpy. I'll see you around sometime!"

[The submarine moves away]



We're on Route 110 and the first thing we see is a FREE PORYGON2 LET'S SNATCH IT



[Celebi cry]

"This Porygon is clearly lost. Better leave it here, as it probably belongs to someone in Slateport."

Someone who's probably dead, you dingus! Do I have to steal it away for you, Jack?!?

Feh. Let's go into the grass.



Disclaimer: Pichu do not appear in the wild at all, this is purely gamesharked for the sake of additional plot

WHOA, HELLO.

[My personal song choice for this scene: Dead Dogs Walking]

()

: ("Hey! Is that...!")

: ("W-wait... It can't be! Shine?! Spark?! Is that really you? Jack, hold on!")

: "Huh? Well... alright."



: ("It IS you! Thank goodness you're safe!")

: [Both tackle hug Ambes]

: "These your siblings?"

: ("Yeah, Jack. I'm curious as to how they even... survived as far as they did, but...")

: ("I don't care as long as they're safe!")

: "Awwwww. That said, this is no place to have a little family reunion. Let's wait until we get to a Pokecenter or something."

: ("Yeah, you're right. Come on, you two.")

[The two Pichus hitch a ride on Jack's shoulders.]



[Current audio in-game: A version of the Team Rocket encounter theme]

As Jack and crew try to advance forward, they are stopped by an offscreen military march. As for the remix of the Team Rocket theme from Gold/Silver, I kinda like it.



"What was that? Sounded like a military band. But that theme song was decidedly evil... Perhaps I ought to investigate?"

Yes, Jack, let's follow the evil music. That can't possibly end badly.



They replaced the Trick Master house with a Pokecenter. That's probably the most useful thing in this hack so far.



"This Pokecenter was only just built when the chefs and zombies arrived here. I hate to think what I would've done without it."

You and me both, because there's only so many problems Zagon's Headbutts and Bellamine's psychic powers can solve in a gauntlet situation.



"I wish I could go home... I want to see if my parents are still alive..."

I can really get behind this sentiment. But given the situation, Jack is probably the only person that can really survive the outright horse-**** shenanigans outside.



Letro, you're cool and all, but we already have a perfectly good electric type. Benedict needs all the screentime they deserve.



[Replay Dead Dogs Walking]

: ("I'm so happy to see both of you safe!")

: ("But what I don't understand is... well, how exactly did you get here from Petalburg Woods? Even we had a pretty hard time trying to get here, and I'm confident we're one of the most capable teams that are still... alive.")

: ("It wasn't that hard. Well... actually, it kind of was. We just had to run away from every zombie, chef and demon we saw with Big Sis's help!")

: ("Yeah! It was pretty scary seeing so much blood and guts everywhere.")

: ("Ambes, do you mind if we tag along with you? We... don't know what happened to Big Sis since we split up. You're the only person we have left.")

: ("Wh-what? You lost Ivory?! Not only that, but... if it was tough for her, you do realize I probably won't stand a chance. Sure, I punched out a dragon with my bare fists, but--")

: ("COOL!")

: ("That's awesome, Ambes! You actually did that?")

: ("Well... yeah, I did! It was pretty bada--")


: ("Hey, don't try to distract me! You two aren't coming and that's final!")




: ("Aw come on!")

: ("You're the coolest big brother ever! We just have to come with you and Jack!")

: ("Ugh... I swear you two are more trouble than you're worth. Jack, what should we do?")

: "How about we put them in the box so they don't get hurt?"

: ("Hmm... Given the increasing amount of danger outside...")

: ("Alright, you can come. But you have to promise to stay inside of the box, kay?")

: ("Okay!")

[They both hug Ambes]

: "Alright, we all cool? Cool. Let's go investigate Slateport."



With that little exchange out of the way, we make it to Slateport and goddamn is the place a mess. Every house is completely deserted, including the Pokemart. The Contest Hall is gone too, but I don't think anybody was that broken up about it.



Go over to the Pokemon Fan Club and you can get a Kilin Horn, which is pretty much just Snakewood's equivalent to the Soothe Bell.

Kilin, otherwise known as Qilin or Kirin, is a figure in Chinese Mythology that's recognized as a good omen. It appears as a hooved chimera-like creature with fire covering its body. Aka. badass.



Go over to the open market area, and it turns out this is where everybody in Slateport retreated to.



"The survivors are clustered here, in the market, because these monster chefs can't stand food. The smell of our supplies keep them at bay."

Okay, this is a genuinely cool idea. Because the Former Chefs stand as minions of Famine, they can't stand food. They're anti-chefs. This weakness also doesn't completely cripple them like the zombies because unlike water and salt, food eventually goes away.

Not only that, the chefs are nightmarishly fast and strong...



"This uniform? It's the Hoenn Internal Affairs Army uniform. I'm a soldier you see."


If Hoenn had an army and the zombies are weak to water, why couldn't they just shoot saltwater at the zombies fire-hose style and bottleneck them that way?

Oh right, yeah, this is Snakewood - don't think too hard about it. Plus, even in the grander zombie apocalypse scene, if the army were an acting force then there's no way any zombie apocalypse story would even happen. You know, unless the zombies are ridiculously overpowered.



"N-no, I'm not stealing the supplies!"

This guy is probably going to get everybody killed. Karma works in mysterious ways, dude.



"I need a powerful Pokemon so I can get out of this city. If you have a Faceleech, would you like to trade? I can give you a Munchlax in exchange. After all, it's useless..."

I would if I could, but I just can't. Also, Faceleech?



Oh, this is where the Name Rater wound up. Cool. I'll probably need him in the future for some re-naming.

side talk: I don't understand why you can't just freely nickname your Pokemon. Why does a crusty old guy have to decide it for y... never mind.



The Energy Guru here will sell you Snakewood's version of the EV increasing nutrients. Only they're all candy. I would do this, but a competitive team in a hacked game is rather unfeasible.



Here's a chef, but he has the usual. When you beat a Chef that's not critical to the story, they just run away.



This guy's in trouble, though. Let's save him before he gets munched!



More zombie twins. Ugh.

They have Charmeworm and Shrivelsaur, which aren't that big of a deal by now. However, the only reason I'm showing this fight off is because they have a "brand new" zombie Pokemon up their sleeve.



Oh and this too, because that's just plain dumb.



Ohhhhh dear god.

Our favorite deformed Jynx and... Electabugs. The "dad joke" tier puns don't stop getting any dumber.

Don't let his name fool you though, Electabugs is a bonafide badass. His Thunder Punch is the Pokemon equivalent of getting your face smashed in with Thor's Hammer. Believe me, it's not pretty.



Thankfully, [strike]this attempt around[/strike], the team managed to take them out relatively painlessly.



This man thanks you for saving his life, but he doesn't give you anything in return.

: "It was nothing, dude. Everybody gets one."



This is what's over here, by the way. It leads back to Oldale... and honestly, I'm not quite in the mood for backtracking.



Back on Route 110, we get jumped by a survivor.



R-Rockit!? His name is really Rockit. Poor bastard.



Name aside, he didn't have much to offer in terms of a fight. But apparently he came across the evil military crew too.



In the grass ahead, I caught Krusha and Cherry. Because trust me, they will prove incredibly useful later on.

Plus I like Bellossom.

Future Dan: Wow, this has to be the most wrong I've ever been, considering they're one of the few Pokemon I got that don't even make it to the end of their own respective game. It's not that big of a spoiler, to be honest.



Wait what? The guys with the funny hair are the Inquisition?!



These Inquisition Footmen have the Magma/Aqua Boss theme playing like they're SERIOUS BUSINESS, too.

Sadly though, he only has a Hombone and two Nosepasses. Which is almost alarmingly inappropriate for a theme as BADASS as the Magma/Aqua leader theme.



These Inquisition guys all look like purple-haired Lances to me.



"Oh... What should I do? I ought to tell the boss I failed, but I don't want to face her wrath... I guess I better just stay here."

You know, given your Pokemon set-up, that's actually a very smart idea.



Huh? Look to the left. It's that Charizard again... who is also blocked off by a Rock Smash rock. We get rockblocked at almost every turn, have you noticed?



Keep these coming.



But I was the one who talked to you. I would have slipped by if it wasn't for the fact you had a new Pokemon.



It's Lunatone. Not that it's hard or anything, but I should mention that these things have always legitimately creeped me out. The evil red eyes and the eerie droning cry they make have haunted me ever since I first saw them in vanilla Sapphire.



Was he stopping us just so we don't get hurt? I appreciate the thought, guy, but--



Oh god damn it.



Nanab berries? Well, sure, but I don't imagine Pokeblocks being that useful.



Yeah, okay, whatever.



He has a Graveler of all things. It's not that much harder than a Hombone considering they both have the same type, but what the hell.



This guy should have known that part of the set Linoone can learn is SURF or that there are Water Pokemon everywhere. Although, how a giant raccoon can just spontaneously summon a river's worth of water is beyond me.



Hey, there's one of my favorite songs again! As for Mauville, I like the redesign it got in ORAS a lot more than the original. Although the lack of ease for egg grinding annoyed me quite a bit.



"It's a corpse. Its head has been completely reversed and filled with sand from the ears. There seems to be no reason to this."

I like how even the game is acknowledging that this is getting really dumb. Also, this guy has nothing for you to loot, so move on.



There IS a working Pokemart here, though, so that solves a few problems for us.



"Well, well. I thought you might make it this far, Jack."

: "Oh! Gleis! What are you doing here?"

My exact question.



It better be cool.

[Gleis and Jack walk towards the front of the Pokecenter]



Those weird overworld sprites are Hombone, by the way. Also, the zombies are attacking with Zigzagoon which are not zombie Pokemon in this game.

[Current audio: The Team Rocket theme again]

: "Oh, so you've met them before? They're the Inquistion, part of the Hoenn government. Since the zombies came and the government was eaten, they are more or less in complete control of the region."

: "But it seems like nobody's in control here. Even these guys are fighting for dominance."



[Gleis makes us invisible. A lady accompanied by two zombies come in from above and... clip through three of the NPCs in front of them. Whoops.]



[The grunts put the Hombones back into their Pokeballs]

Guys, why do you have Hombone? There are much better Pokemon you could be using right now.



[Flash of light followed by Rock Smash SFX]



Whoa. She just transitioned them out of existence! That's neat, actually.

???: "You! Minions! Return to base."

[The Inquisition members leave to the left. The zombies head up to the north. The Mauville theme starts playing as normal again.]



: "That was Chloe. She' s a Taoist, just like me, and so she has power over the undead monsters that have recently sprung up. Those two zombies that were following her were her personal slaves."

Honestly, it's cool to see more Taoists than just Gleis.



"Aren't you Taoists a close-knit secret group or something?"

: "Ah. We are indeed supposed to be. But Chloe has seized control of the Inquisition, and they're currently hunting me. They believe me to be responsible for this zombie outbreak, you see."

Holy ****. The story thickens and I'm being honest about how I feel about this.



"But that isn't true! You sealed the rift to Hell - you're helping to end the zombie plague!"

: "Try telling the Inquisition that. They don't believe it. But enough of that. I have a task for you. Go south from here and surf to New Mauville. Dantalion is waiting there to instruct you further."

I'm interested in Snakewood as a story again. The moral ambiguity here is actually really cool. Even if this is a badly stitched together fanfiction story in a Pokemon hack.



"Have you seen the Pokemon Champion around at all?"

: "I believe you will find further information in New Mauville. Take it from me, it is imperative that you go there."

He sure has a one-track mind, this Gleis. It's blatantly obvious that he's just trying to play us as the patsy...

I still like him as a character, though.



Alright, cool! With that, we end off this episode of Snakewood with high(?) spirits. See you next time for a new update.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Reggie, , Level 25, has Leftovers, /) - "My head's spinning a bit from all these allegiances. How's a moke supposed to keep track of this?"
(Bellamine, , Level 24, ) - "Well, you see, Alice, the trick to getting stronger is..."
(Ambes, , Level 24, ) - "At the very least Shine and Spark are safe."
(Zagon, , Level 29, has Plus Band, ) - "Hoo baby, I sure could use a bath. Too many guts."
(Ace, , Level 26, has Anadrin Talon, /) - [Curious as to where he was this episode]
(Benedict, Level 17, /) - [Twitch, twitch - crack, pop]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Team:

(Alice, , level 12, ) - "Sounds like too much effort, nya."
(Krusha, , level 12, /) - [Surprised that he was even considered]
(Ballin, , level 14, /) - "Zombies are weak to water, huh? Wonder why nobody keeps buckets of saltwater with them at all times then."
(Pumbloom, , level 14, ) - [Sleeping soundly]
(Letro, level 15, /) - "ERR. I WAS EXPECTING TO SEE SOME ACTION."
(Cherry, , level 12, /) - [Waiting passionately for the day she becomes a Bellossom or a Vileplume]
(Shine, , level 12, ) - "Tag! You're it, Spark!"
(Spark, , level 12, ) -"Aw, no fair! I'll get you this time!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Portrait Credits:

Last time on Snakewood, we were told by Gleis to go to New Mauville. However, let's take a look at this spot right here.



Island of Calm? Watch this be the most insane location in the entire hack, then.



[Current audio in-game: Drought Theme]

... And to prove my point it uses the most unsettling song from vanilla Ruby.



[We get booted out of the Island of Calm]

Well, damn. This is plot we're not supposed to be at quite yet. Let's not mess around anymore and just go to New Mauville.



Hey, it's Dantalion. If he hits on Jack again, I'm making them a couple for sure.



: "What exactly is it that Gleis wants me to do?"

Dantalion: "As you can see, the Inquisition is not exactly a positive influence on this region. The population of Mauville have all taken refuge from them, the zombies and the chefs."

I knew that these guys were up to no good with a name like the Inquisition. That, and they have the Rocket theme as their main theme.

: "I see... so?"



"They should be safe here, but they are not. This door is locked at all times and guarded. No one enters and no one exits. And yet... someone has been murdered here."

Oh muk. Murder mystery time!



Dantalion: "Yes, it's true. The Master was passing by and said he would look into it, but he is rather busy trying to undermine the Inquisition at the moment - which is why you're here. You will find the culprit, of course?"

I like how the instant the Inquisition show up, they drop bombshells like this. Cool, cool.



"Of course! Let's go. If it's murder, then there's no time to lose."

Jack is a noble soul.



"This boy here is the one Gleis sent, officer. He's a strong and intelligent trainer, so I'm sure he'll be able to help."

: "Oh, stop."



"I'm a member of the Hoenn Internal Affairs Army, acting as a policeman for the time being. The corpse is in the storage room, kid. Go check it out, and search the place for clues. When you think you know who did it, come tell me. Find evidence it was them, a motive, and prove they had the means to do it and I'll go arrest them."

Jack agrees and now we're a detective. Hot damn.



"It's important you solve this mystery, for the good of the people of Hoenn. So says Gleis. Anyway, I'm off to guard the entrance."

Dantalion is very honorable despite being a demon. Why couldn't the other demons in the Rustboro section of the hack have been as helpful as him?

[Dantalion walks offscreen]



Alright, here we go. Get your best detective music out, folks, cause the New Mauville theme isn't gonna cut it.



But first let's talk to this lady. We're gonna be a major dick and say yes.



"All my friends and family... dead... (Sobs uncontrollably)"



Jack, you heartless bastard.

Also, on a side note, I've discovered what the Broken Heart item actually does. There's 50 of them throughout the game, and you need to collect all 50 of them to meet a special legendary. I take back everything I said before.

However, since I don't want to make ladies cry for no reason, let's tell her the truth.



: "Sorry for lying. I really needed that Broken Heart."

: (".....")

[Bellamine slaps Jack]

: "Ow! I said I was sorry, damn!"

: ("Jack, you know better than that.")

: "Yeah, yeah..."



There's this fellow who contradicted himself by talking. Just felt like bringing him up.



"Wattson has had to give up on his plan to electrify the city, but now we live here, where all the electricity is born. So he's happy!"

Believe it or not, this girl will be useful in a few moments.



"Next question: What's it like to be rich and famous?"

Rocker dude: " What's it like to be famous? I can't really say, Jean, I've only just become famous. But it certainly is nice to be rich now that my song is No.1!"

Rich and famous how? Who is listening to your song in the middle of the zombie apocalypse? Besides, where does the money go except towards ATMs?



Oh muk, a chef! Let's get him!



Oh. Well, I still have my eye on him.



"Heee... I licked Nurse Joy's Healmadio and now I'm soooooo high..."

... I don't even know what to say other than: are you ok, buddy?



"I don't have my healing machine, but let's see what my Healmadio can do."

[Healing SFX]

: "Thanks, doll."



"Sigh... I was part of a two-man band. But my partner has left to be rich and famous, and I'm just left with my guitar case and a broken spirit..."

You mean the guy in the room over? I'm starting to be more convinced that these guys are just like putting on an act out of desperation or something. It would make sense.



There's also these incredibly suspicious scientists hanging around everywhere. Each one has a different evil laugh, but they all say the same thing regardless.



These two are playing Chess, but the fat man doesn't know how to play. They may not contribute to this investigation, but they're amusing nonetheless.



"... Mind out, though, I think some Voltorb got in with our supplies."

The murder victim is definitely a priority, but let's see those supplies first.



I don't know why you would catch a Voltorb here, but they're here if you want them. There's two of them, by the way.



So much loot.

Snake Oil is Full Heal under a different name, while Teleporter is Escape Rope. Nice haul, all things considered.



: ("No way!")

That's quite a reward.



: ("Hey, Jack... I'm not quite feeling it yet. Let's wait for a good time for me to evolve.")

: "How come?

: ("I feel like there's still more things I have to learn before I can become a Raichu. Just trust me on this.")

: "... I understand, buddy."

Well, hot damn. We can evolve Ambes at any point now!

With that out of the way, let's check on Wilfred to see what exactly happened to the poor guy.



"This corpse is badly scorched... Are we looking for a Fire-type using murderer?"

Fire types, huh? Well, that's one question down... a hundred to go.



"It's a terrible business..."

Oh hey, Wattson. Good to see you weren't eaten like the other gym leaders.



If they're those scientist guys hanging around the place then yeah, me too.



"The corpse is singed and burned - it looks like a Fire-type attack killed him." Officer: "Okay, that's a start. But it doesn't get us any closer to unravelling the mystery - plenty of Pokemon can learn Fire-type moves by TM or something, and there aren't actually any Fire-type users here. Keep looking."

Hmm. I do like that we're forced to use our brains here to put things together, but this next part is a bit confusing. You have to go talk to the little girl.



"I didn't say to the officer, but you're nice so I'll tell you. I saw the chef going into the storeroom the night that Mr. Wilfred got killed."

She was withholding information? Well, to be honest, she's a kid... so that might have not been easy on her. But let's go talk to that suspicious chef.



"I have a witness who can place you at the scene of the crime on the night of the murder."

Chef: "I needed supplies! I went in to get some honey, it was dark and I didn't even see the corpse, if it was there at all! Honest, I didn't do it!"

: "Do you have any proof?"





: "This is a jar of nutmeg."

Chef: "As I said, it was dark."

: "... I need to talk to the officer."



"He was at the scene of the crime at about the right time, and as a chef would have a Fire-type Pokemon to use as a portable oven. In fact, the Pokeball I saw in his pocket probably contained a Charmeleon."

Officer: "Whoa. That's real trainer knowledge there. Gleis did say you were good... Okay, if you can find a motive, I'm sold. Why not ask Wattson? The chef works for him, after all."

Jack, this is a delicate situation. You'd better not just make up stuff on the fly like that Charmeleon remark because it could have went much uglier. That aside, let's go talk to the man himself.



: "That's right. It's about your chef. We think he may have committed the murder, but we can't see why. Can you help us with that?"

: "Waha! I think so. I don't he's ever liked poor Wilfred, to be perfectly honest."

: "But why now?"



"But I can guess - I've suspected it for some time. He's becoming... a Former Chef."

Oh, that's not good.



: "I don't think anybody needs to. I think it may be like a disease."

: "I see... Thank you for your time, Mr. Wattson."



I'm really getting into this whole murder mystery plot.



Yeah, everything points toward him. Let's book this asshole before he becomes a Former Chef.



... What? He wasn't the guy!? We got thrown in for a loop!

If it wasn't the Chef, then who did it?



This time let's say he's not. What will Jack say about it?



[My recommendation for this scene: Ace Attorney Trial]

"No. It occurred to me when I was talking to Wattson. He uses the Electric type, am I right?"



: "You see it too? We were looking for a Fire-type Pokemon Trainer, but we forgot that powerful Electric attacks scorch as much as fire does."

... This just escalated. Jack is a legitimate detective now.



: "Is it? The chef said he was going in to the storerooms to get honey - but he came away with nutmeg."

Officer: "So?"

: "The extent of the damage done to the corpse couldn't have been done with an ordinary Electric attack."



"It would have to be powered up with a special item, and what do you use to power up Electric attacks?"


A Magnet?



... Or as Snakewood calls it now, Electric Honey. I'm rolling with it.



"Precisely. The chef couldn't get any honey because there wasn't any. Someone had already used it to power up their Electric attacks, and kill Wilfred."

I adore this man more than ever now.



: "I don't know, but I'm going to find out."

Officer: "Right! You do that."

This is legitimately good writing for an edgy 16 year old. If Cutlerine didn't spend so much time being a troll, this entire game would be so much better as a whole.



Alright... we're all healed up and the team is still strong after beating up those Inquisition Footmen. Let's go bust this bastard.



[Current Audio: The Team Rocket Inquisition Remix theme]

: "Oh, you do, do you? Waha! It doesn't matter! I work with the Inquisition now, and I've been told that you can't be allowed to continue."

: "Then I'll have to defeat you!"

Oh, damn! What could have possibly won Wattson over to the Inquisition? I thought he was a jolly guy? I swear, when this game isn't being dumb, it's actually competent.



"My generator fills my Pokemon with electric energy! It makes them impossible to defeat!"

: "We'll see about that!"



[Current Audio: Magma/Aqua Boss Battle Theme]

If that's not a plot twist then I don't know what is. That, and the Magma/Aqua Boss theme is actually appropriate this time! Sweet.

Let's see what he has.



Hello.

This will only go so well.



Not good!



damn



Go Reggie, you can do it!



oh no




...



[Fading Consciousness starts playing]










Nah, just kidding. That was supposed to happen.

: "Urgh... He was hideously strong. I really need to find a way of weakening his power and turning off that generator."

Good god, that was bad. If it wasn't for Jack running away, Hoenn would have been screwed. Let's go plan out our revenge.



Thank god that's not like some unwinnable fight. That would have been a giant dick move.

Still, not fond of the whole "you're forced to lose" fight thing in JRPGs. It's usually just a cheap trick to make the villain feel strong, and Pokemon is one of the worst places where you can do it because of how tactical you can be here.



"Hehehe... Let's see how Wattson fares without his precious generator powering up his Pokemon."

Jack, you sly devil.



Next time on Pokemon Snakewood, we face Wattson for real. See you in... like a second.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Reggie, , Level 25, has Leftovers, /) - "Ooh, this mon is asking for it!"
(Bellamine, , Level 24, ) - "Cheap shot!"
(Ambes, , Level 24, ) - [Unconscious]
(Zagon, , Level 29, has Plus Band, ) - "I'd like to see him try that again!"
(Ace, , Level 26, has Anadrin Talon, /) - "I'd normally avoid a fight against Electric types, but I'm willing to make an exception for that cheating wanker."
(Benedict, Level 17, /) - "...?! What did Benedict do!?"

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Back-up Team:

(Alice, , level 12, ) - "Oh gosh, are you all okay!?"
(Krusha, , level 12, /) - [Playing the Card Game with Cherry]
(Ballin, , level 14, /) - "Holy moly, I dodged a bullet not coming along."
(Pumbloom, , level 14, ) - [Scared for Jack and crew]
(Letro, level 15, /) - [Holding off the scientists from reactivating the generator]
(Cherry, , level 12, /) - "... You're not very good at this game, are you?"
(Shine, , level 12, ) - "Oh jeez! Wake up, Ambes!"
(Spark, , level 12, ) - "Come on, big bro! You'll be alright!" [Dumps cold water on him]
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Portrait Credits:

Let's pay Wattson back for the hax.



"You still can't beat me, don't you get it?"

: "We'll see now that your generator is off."

: "My generator... off? Whatever! Wahaha! I'm still a Gym Leader! I can still win! Wahahaha!"



... Right, yeah, like that certainly means something now that the region's collapsed into chaos.





This is going to be cathartic.



GET DESTROYED YOU CHEATING SCRUB



Wattson also has a Lanturn, but it can't stand up against a Calm Mind-boosted Confusion.



Fun fact: This dude used Bubble of all things to stop Bellamine's psychic fury. Very, very sad.

: ("Let's see how you like dealing with someone out of your league.")



wh-wh-what



AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

A legendary this early in the game

why cutlerine why



He also knows a move to drag out your other Pokemon, so good god keep an eye on him.



... Uh?

Why exactly was I freaking out? Look at how easily we trounced him. As long as you have something that resists Electric, Raikou shouldn't be that scary even if it is a legendary.



: ("Bring it on, buddy!")



: [Yelling at the top of his lungs]



: ("... *gasp*, * gasp*... Nothing personal.")



This is Wattson's final Pokemon and... well, it gets putzed without a fight. Not so good without your game-busting generator, huh?



... What the hell, teleport?



Oh god damn it! All that work for nothing.



"No, he didn't - and that poor Raikou he trapped has been released, too."

Huh?



"I suspected they might flee like this, so I waited outside to where their teleporter comes out and arrested them. Thanks for your help."

: "No problem!"

... He's actually a competent officer? The writing of this murder mystery section is amazing. I really do wish the rest of the game was like it.



Yeah, it was a genuine mystery. The only real clue that it was Wattson before the reveal were his creepy technicians, so I'll give props to the creator that he didn't make it completely obvious. The red herring with the chef helped quite a bit, too.



Back to Mauville, let's go investigate the area.



... Oh. There's nothing here. For future reference, there's nothing in the Game Corner either. So that's a bit of a waste.

The only real place of interest is the Gym.



For you see, this guy is here.



[Current audio: Team Rocket Remix Theme]

".... Got it! These are the badges and TMs that Wattson asked us to recover!"

Mind if I loot those off of you, buddy?



"Well, I can't have you rescuing Gleis from our base. I'll have to stop you."

They captured Gleis? Oh, we're in trouble now.



But not right at this moment.



Oooh, a Lairon! Not only is it a departure to all of the damn Hombone, but the only person that has a decent chance of beating this guy is Zagon due to Surf.

[Inquisition Footman flees offscreen]



"This is bad... they got Gleis. I'll have to rescue him. Hey, wait! That Footman dropped something!"



That's a nifty reward, at the very least.

But something in my gut tells me to hold onto it for now. Onward to Route 118!



... How do you explain rockblocking of this magnitude?



Moving on to the route on the left, we meet the Day-Care-Man. He says his Pokemon have helped take care of him, so that's good. While it may not seem important now, trust me in that we will require this guy's services later on.

I should mention that from this point onward, I went into a giant grinding montage with one major change to the team - Tohru has replaced Benedict. The egg fakemon are cool and all, but they are not immediately effective.



I'm sorry, pal. You're going to have to be benched for a while.

: [grows and shrinks like a balloon]

... I don't understand?

Anyway, time for a giant grinding session.



OH MY GOD THERE ARE VULPIX ON THIS ROUTE



i'm calling her jeanne and giving her a cool theme



You can also find this thing. Calfby is a Fakemon that sort of works like the Hitmon-family in terms of how they evolve. If you evolve it with more attack than defense, you get Tauros. More defense than attack, you get Miltank.

However, raise it with equal attack and defense, and you get Ramshaker. Ramshaker being a new / Fakemon that is practically designed to rip apart your Fighting-type offense. Bring your best Dark and Bug moves because it will be a pain otherwise.



With that, the training montage is complete. We witness the growth of a new hero.



Groovy. Let's go bust some heads.



Our first target is this dude. He has a set of six Pokemon, but that should be the extent of his threat. He has four Munchlaxes and two Kirlia.



He didn't even stand a chance.



These two, on the other hand, will be much more annoying.



Aside from a new zombie Pokemon, they have the gall to be smart and pull out legitimate competitive tactics. See, Shrivelsaur there will use Leech Seed, Substitute and use Protect on himself to wall you into submission. He will also use Double Team to make hitting him a prominent issue.

Absolutely devilish for what is supposed to be a rotting, mindless monster. Poliworm (ugh) is more brute force as he will just try to sock you with Focus Punch and use Protect on himself too.



Fun fact: In practice, the SubSeed strategy actually worked and screwed me over something fierce to the point where I had to reset. Don't underestimate these guys.



... You see that Chef right there? That is no ordinary Chef. (also that head is just a severed head don't pay him any mind)



Say hello to the more painful variation of the Former Chef - the Skilled Chef. These guys are dangerous due to the fact that the "skilled" in their name is actually relevant.



BAD BEAR ALERT

Fear his dopey gaze. The Snorlax this guy has is quite the step up from everything you might have faced so far. It's also the prime reason why I trained up Tohru - nobody could beat this Snorlax in practice no matter how hard they tried.

He's immune to Reggie's poison-powder and Zagon's Headbutt was outmatched by her opponent's. It was a dark day... until Tohru came to the rescue.


: ("Do you think you can take me on, little man?!?! Come, break your fists against mine!")



: ("Hwahahahaha! You put up a better fight than I expected but it was not even close enough to scratch me.")

Kick-ass.



Wait, what?
We can do that now?!



: "It's probably better that you don't know. But hey, at least it's possible to help people turn back from those... things."

I do like that you can at least turn back from being a Former Chef. No such luck for the zombies, though.



Unfortunately, there's another Skilled Chef here. What exactly does he have?



A Gardevoir, of course. Man, I can't wait for Bellamine to evolve into this.



That aside, he's nowhere near as strong as the Snorlax even with Psychic being as painful as it is. A few Leech Lifes should take him out no problem.



These guys have done some nasty muk as Former Chefs. It's probably for the best that they don't remember.



There was this. Hallelujah.



Anyway, there's nothing more on that Route. You get rock-blocked again, only this time by the passage leading into Verdanturf. The route above Mauville leads into a desert, which is blocked off by a breakable rock. So the only way to pass through this part of the game is to go into the Island of Calm.



"You're that devilishly strong Trainer who defeated me in Mauville... Please don't hurt me."

: "I don't have to if you don't get in the way. Capiche?"





You can find wild Ralts here?!

The Pokedex location must have been pointing to here the entire time, but the map was not fixed to show the actual location. Anyway, this is technically where I would have found Bellamine - had I not gamesharked her in earlier into the game.

I do not regret my actions.



Oh, now we're talking. Say goodbye to that dinky little Thundershock, Ambes. Now we're going to roast fish and birds with greater precision.

Present company excluded, of course.



There's also a medical kit in case you were aching from the random encounters here.



... I don't think this has any relevance???



oh would you look at that, a cute little chikorita



Honestly, I would scream at Jack again but let's not be a dick to this Chikorita by snatching it away from its home. I mean, this place is surrounded by water so no zombies can get to it.



... [gulp]

I'm not worried because of that Footman, but instead because of this area. It's going to give me a tremendous amount of headaches later on.



Also, oh damn we're wanted. That didn't take long!





Boring fight aside, Bellamine learned Psychic! We're getting rid of the kid gloves all over the place today, and the team is not going to mess around anymore.



Oh please, buddy. You and your friends with the crazy hair won't be enough to slow me down just on the principle that you all use Hombone.



... Oh NO.

Say hello to the Island of Calm's tunnel dungeon. I'll probably regret ever coming in here by the end of the next update.



... Uh? What is up with that's guy's sprite? It's funky looking. Believe it or not, they will be very important...

NEXT TIME ON POKEMON SNAKEWOOD:


I'M GOING TO GO INSANE.

See you then.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Team setup:

(Reggie, , Level 27, has Leftovers, /) - "I'm feeling that these mokes got a big headache waiting for us, you feel me?"
(Bellamine, , Level 26, ) - [Shaking at the thought of finally evolving]
(Ambes, , Level 26, ) - "And then I made his face concave!"
(Zagon, , Level 29, has Plus Band, ) - "I'm sick of pulling Hombone duty. Can someone else fill in for me?"
(Ace, , Level 28, has Anadrin Talon, /) - "Sorry mate, I'm a bit allergic to rocks."
(Tohru, , Level 25, /) - "Hwahahaha! So what are we going up against next? Come on, Jack, don't leave me hanging!"

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Back-up Team:

(Benedict, level 18, /) - * Making a deep, heavy breathing sound *
(Alice, , level 12, ) - "Jeanne! You're okay! I thought I'd never see you again after we lost our trainer!"
(Jeanne, , level 18, ) - "You wouldn't believe it, Alice! Jack saved me from being eaten by a zombie and..."
(Krusha, , level 12, /) - [Sleeping with Cherry sitting next to him]
(Ballin, , level 14, /) - [Is playing a staring game with Pumbloom]
(Pumbloom, , level 14, ) - "You'll crack eventually!"
(Letro, level 15, /) - "JACK, WATCH OUT. YOU ARE ENTERING AN AREA THAT MAKES NO SENSE. BEEP-BOOP-BZZT."
(Cherry, , level 12, /) - [Dreams of becoming a Bellossom]
(Shine, , level 12, ) - "Wow, Ambes... I can't believe we ever doubted you."
(Spark, , level 12, ) - "You punched him into the wall? That's something else, bro!"
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Portrait Credits: