Anne's Adventure

[Plant Princess]

Anne awoke, her head feeling like it was full of fog. When her vision and senses finaly returned, she found to her shock and dismay that she was a ralts. She hesitantly began to explore her surroundings. She found a small campfire on the ground. Thinking it the perfect oppertunity to test her psychic powers, she contained the fire and made in into a flaming, swiriling sphere.
After awhile it floated jauntily beside her, as if it had life of it's own. In no time at all, Anne could will it to her and it would come. She nicnamed this flaming orb "Pyro".
She sang in a shaky and hesitant voice to try and assure herself that nothing bad would happen to her. It wasn't working well, but it took her mind off of the dark forest for awhile. Sleep claimed her at last later that night, and when she woke up, she felt the sensation of being rocked. "Aww... she's so cute Gallen..." Anne opened her eyes to find herself being cradled by a Gardivour. With her was a Gallade. "Cute doesn't get you anything in this forest Guardi..." Guardi shook her head, always so serious. When she noticed that Anne was awake, she presented her with a plate of berries "Hungry dear?" Anne took the berries greatfully, she was very hungry.
Suddenly, a Noctowl came crashing through the trees, grabbing up Anne. The fireball appeared and us Will-o-Wisp. The Noctowl dropped Anne, and flew off. Something was odd about the psychic eminations coming from the fireball, it was as if it was alive... Anne was questioning aloud where she would go when Guardi stopped her. "You are staying right here!" Anne wondered why she was a ralts, why the pokemon were talking, and why a fireball was defending her. She wondered about a lot of things. It was late at night, and she wondered herself to sleep! Guardi resumed gently rocking her, while Gallen kept lookout.



I'll add more when I get the chance

 

[Sydian]

Alright. Almost cliche character, short first chapter(or prologue, since you didn't say) and you mispelled Gardevoir.

When someone new is going to speak, hit enter twice.

There's no description here, either. What does Anne/Ralts look like? And what about Gardevoir, Gallade, and Noctowl?

Anne wondered why she was a ralts, why the pokemon were talking, and why a fireball was defending her.

What? You just listed everything...make hre questions have a flow to them, not a listing effect.

I'll add more when I get the chance

Really, now? You make it seem like a hassle to even write this story. If you don't want to write, don't write. Simple as that.

I strongly recommend you work on this. But, if this is a hassle for you, just don't worry about writing it. But hey, if you really want to finish this thing, check out the grammar stickies in the lounge and Thesis' OT fic guide...since this is pretty close to OT, if not already.

-Silver

 

[Plant Princess]

It's the first chapter, i'll delve deeper into her charachter later, and the noctowl was a temporary distraction

I'm doing other things, I'M BUSY!!!

Spelling mistakes happen

When i put it in the posting box it was spaced, it got clumped together

And i'll add more later because like I mentioned before i'm doing other things, so go shred someone else!!!

EDIT: I had my better ones in a thumbdrive but I have two of them and I grabbed the wrong one, sorry that i'm not so good at improv, I have to sit down and think over the storyline several times before I get a good one so I just tried to throw together a mystery dungeon-ish story until I can get other stories. Sorry that i'm not at my best right not, but I WILL NOT just sit and be shredded over details!

 

[icomeanon6]

While it's pretty interesting so far, there are several issues that you should address. First off, it was too short. I know that it's hard to find the time to do these things, but you should really wait until you have a decent amount written before you post. One way to make time less of an issue is to write your story in a word processor first, so you can save your work and continue it later.

Also, your story is pretty hard to read right now because your paragraphs are all bunched together in what we like to call a "wall of text." It make your post look like one paragraph, and it makes people less likely to read it. Be sure to hit the enter key twice before starting a new paragraph.

On the positive side, some of your word choice is really good. However, there's a notable lack of description throughout. For example, you just say that Anne was a ralts all of the sudden. The problem here is that we, the readers, have absolutely no idea as to who or even what she was before. I assumed that she was a person, but even having made that assumption one doesn't know much about her at all. Everything seemed to happen a bit too quickly. I'd slow down while writing it and make sure that each part has enough content to make it worthwhile.

I think this has the potential to be a really good fic, but I'd revise this section before moving forward with the story.

 

[Sydian]

I'm doing other things, I'M BUSY!!!

Then don't add more stress to yourself by writing. That's all I'm saying.

Spelling mistakes happen

That's why you proofread. Type the story in Word Pad or Microsoft word and then paste it into the reply box.

When i put it in the posting box it was spaced, it got clumped together

That's what Word is for. Anti-clump. Like Covergirl mascara.

And i'll add more later because like I mentioned before i'm doing other things, so go shred someone else!!!

Well, if you're not done with the first chapter, then don't stop right in the middle of it. Wait until you can get it all in there.

And I'm not shredding you, dear. I'm only giving you advice for this puppy.

 

[Nnaemeka]

YOU LOT NEED TO CALM DOWN. I think the story is ok, BUT you should slow down and write when u have lots of time.Although I can't say so for myself XD

 

[Plant Princess]

sorry, i'm not used to being rated, i just make them at home, and no one else bothers to read them, sorry for snapping at you...

 

[icomeanon6]

When i put it in the posting box it was spaced, it got clumped together

That's an easy problem to fix, just edit your post and hit the enter key a few times. To prevent that kind of problem from happening in the future, it helps to click "Preview Post" before submitting. I noticed from the introductions part of the forum that this is your first day here, so it's understandable if you don't know your way around too well yet.

 

[Astinus]

This thread was good for a few laughs.

Look, Princess, the rules state not to post unfinished work. And the little line of "I'll add more when I get the chance" let me know that this work is unfinished. Read the rules, please.

Take your time writing. Take your time posting. The only reward you might get for rushing your work at any point is a closed thread and a moderator watching your every move.

By the way, anymore immature bursts of CAPS LOCK OF RAGE!!!!111111 will get infractions flying around. Except later, because I'm BUSY!!!!1111