Ash and the Ice Cream Lopunny [PG-13]

[Neko Godot]

This is an anime parody. I need no long speech before this fanfic which will be mighty. So just read it. Oh, and this rated PG-13, though honestly if you're under the age of 13 you shouldn't be on internet forums in the first place.

Chapter 1: Enter the Ice Cream Lopunny

"Pikachu, volt tackle!" cried out Ash epically.

"Luxray, protect!" A shiny protective bubble appeared around the black and blue lion, preventing Pikachu's attack from going through. Pikachu rebounded off the bubble and fainted.

"Dammit! Why does that always happen?" complained Ash. He threw off his hat and stomped at it. Ash was a boy perpetually stuck at the age of ten. He liked to complain a lot and wasn't very good at winning.

"Aw, you didn't do that bad Ash!" said Dawn, another ten year old that liked chilling with Ash. Dawn was kind of a ditz, and her brain was probably as big as the space her skirt covered. Dawn is a Pokemon coordinator, which means she does exactly the same thing that May did.

"You tried your best Ash!" said Brock, Ash's stalker friend, who although is much older than Ash, insists on traveling with him. But it's not what you think, because Brock doesn't swing that way, as you'll find out later. Brock was very good at being a Pokemon breeder, whatever the heck that is. He also enjoys never opening his eyes, cooking, and giving out exposition.

"Pikachu!" said Pikachu, Ash's yellow electric rat that always followed him. Pikachu was never inside a Pokeball, since the Pokeballs were recalled by Burger King back in 1999.

"Well, thank you for the match!" said Luxray trainer. "And thank you for helping me defend my porno business from those creeps, Team Rocket!"

"You're welcome! Goodbye! I hope we never see you again!" Ash and the gang left. That was a typical day in the life of Ash. He'd meet someone who was under attack by Team Rocket, blast them off again, and then continue on, forgetting about their adventures the next day.

As Ash and company were walking down the road, they noticed a blonde goth chick with an ice cream cone walking towards them. "Hey look, it's Cynthia! The Sinnoh Champion! Who whooped Paul's *** in a battle! And then I had a dream about her!" said Ash, refreshing the audience's memory.

"Was it an erotic dream?" asked Cynthia, licking her ice cream.

"Erotic? What's that mean?" asked Ash.

Brock ran up to Cynthia. "Cynthia, will you have sexual relations with me?" See, I TOLD you Brock didn't swing that way.

"Not now!" said Cynthia, who was still licking that ice cream. "Right now I'm hunting for the elusive Ice Cream Lopunny!"

"Ice Cream Lopunny?! For the sake of the audience, what's that?" asked Dawn.

"It's a Lopunny that drives around in a fire truck, handing out free ice cream to minors. I've also heard it's connected to Santa Claus somehow," said Cynthia, who was focusing on her ice cream.

"Santa Claus? Didn't we meet him, Ash?" asked Brock.

"That never happened! Right, Carole B. Weatherford?" Ash winked and gave a thumbs up.

"Hmph-mph-mph!" Only the tip of the ice cream cone was coming out of Cynthia's mouth now. She finally took it out, her mouth covered in cream (ice cream you perverts!).

"Can we help you catch this Ice Cream Lopunny?" asked Dawn.

"You can!" said Cynthia. "But not the fellows." With that, Dawn and Cynthia went on their merry way, leaving Ash and Brock behind.

"I don't get it Ash. Why do a couple of good looking studs such as ourselves get left behind on a quest to search for a sexy bunny Pokemon with a couple of chicks?" Brock asked.

"What does sexy mean?"

"Pikachu!"

"Well Brock, the next town coming up is Veilstone City . And the gym leader there is a girl!" said Ash.

"Oh, that sounds like fun! But we should stop at the Pokemon Center first. We need to rest," suggested Brock.

The Pokemon Center was a place run by the sexy Nurse Joy where trainers could rest for free. However, what no one realized was that Nurse Joy was funning the Pokemon Center as a legitimate business front for the underground market of organ trade. If you slept at a Pokemon Center , there was a high risk of losing an organ. At this point, Brock was missing both his kidneys, and Ash was lacking certain… parts.

Brock walked into the Pokemon Center and cried out, "Nurse! I need someone to cure this feeling in my pants!"

"No thanks!" yelled Nurse Joy. C'mon, with that getup she wears that shows so much leg, she's just asking for it.

"Anyway, can we stay the night?" asked Ash.

"Of course you can!" Joy said as she twirled around her red curls. "Because of you, an elderly gentleman was finally able to have those children he always wanted!"

"That's awfully nice of me! I wonder how I did it?" Ash asked.

"It doesn't matter! You made a difference in someone's life!" said Brock, who was now inexplicably cooking in the middle of the Pokemon Center .

"Pikachu!" Yeah, that's right; the thing's still here, even though it's done nothing to advance the story.

Anyway, while the guys were at the Pokemon Center , Dawn and Cynthia were camping out. However, since Cynthia wasn't expecting for a partner to join her, she only brought one sleeping bag, so the two girls had to share (get your mind out of the gutter!).

"You seem distraught. Must people love being squeezed nice and tight next to me," said Cynthia. "What's the matter?"

"Zoey," replied Dawn, and she gave a sigh.

"Zoey? Who's that?" asked Cynthia.

"A girl who I went much too far with. You see, I gave Zoey…," at this point Dawn took a dramatic pause.

"What did you give her?"

"A handshake," Dawn answered. Cynthia gasped and Dawn broke into tears..

"How? How could you do that to her?" Cynthia struggled.

"I don't know!" sobbed Dawn. "But ever since then I've wanted more! Zoey's hands are so nice and smooth! She has curves in all the right places! And her hair, it's so sexy and sensual! I've dreamed of doing things to her that I've never dreamed of doing to a man before!"

"What kind of things?" said an anxious Cynthia.

"I… I… once dreamed that I gave Zoey… a high-five!" Dawn broke down into more tears.

"Oh dear, it's worse than I thought!" gasped Cynthia. "Don't worry darling, there's a church in Hearthrone City that can straighten you out!"

"NO!" screamed Dawn. "I WANT ZOEY!" The silence that followed was thicker than Scott's waist.

"Goodnight!" Cynthia said, and she turned away from Dawn.

"Help, help…" Dawn heard a voice coming over by the trees.

"Who's there?" A worried Dawn jumped out of the sleeping bag, annoying Cynthia.

"Stop that! I'm trying to go to bed! Ignore that voice desperately in need of help and worry about me!" cried out Cynthia.

Dawn was already rushing over to the voice. It was a hiker, though he was covered in blood and melted ice cream. "Who did this to you?" Dawn frantically asked.

"It was… the Ice Cream Lopunny… it seduced me… gave me ice cream… spread out its legs… and then I had… the best night of my life…," the hiker reminisced.

"THEN what happened?" asked Dawn.

"Then… it… ripped… my heart out… but women do that… all the time… to… me…" With his final words, the hiker dropped dead.

"Cynthia! Help me! The Ice Cream Lopunny just killed this horny hiker!" screamed Dawn.

"Did somebody say ice cream?" Cynthia jumped out of the sleeping bag, neglecting to put on anything other than her black lingerie.

"Wow Cynthia, you have a really nice body." Dawn was transfixed on Cynthia's hardly covered breasts.

"Though I appreciate it, this is no time for ogling at my body! There's ice cream to be found! And look, those bloody ice cream footprints lead right to where the Pokemon Center should be!"

" Pokemon Center ?" a frightened Dawn cried. "If I know Ash and Brock, and trust me, I know them, then that would be where they are at! Hurry, we have to save them!"

"Save who?" asked Cynthia. "I'm just psyched to eat my ice cream!" With that, the girls ran off.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Ash was woken up by the urge for an ice cold beverage. "I fancy an ice cold beverage!" Ash said to himself. Then Ash heard a scream. "Hey, that sounds like Nurse Joy!"

"Help! HELP! I'm being attacked by the Ice Cream Lopunny!" yelled out Nurse Joy.

"Oh, I guess she's okay then!" said Ash.

"I'm NOT okay! HELP ME!" yelled Joy.

"Yup, NOTHING wrong with Nurse Joy!" Ash boomed, as if to drown out Joy's pleas for help.

"DAMMIT! I guess I have no choice. I hate to say this, but Brock… if you help me… I'll bear your children!" Joy yelled, disgusted with herself.

Brock jumped out of bed. Suddenly, muscles grew from both of his arms. It's like what happens to Popeye when he eats spinach. I guess this must be a parody then. So laugh, it's a parody! "I am what I am!" Brock said, further cementing in place that this is a parody.

"GARCHOMP! DRAGON RUSH!" There was some sort of high pitched squeal, and Joy's screaming stopped.

"Aw man, I wanted to get the girl! Why'd you have to steal her from me, Cynthia?" Brock asked Cynthia, who had now appeared in the doorway of the room. Standing in back of Cynthia was Dawn, looking in embarrassed. Nurse Joy was holding on tight to Cynthia, her head lying on Cynthia's shoulder.

"I ALWAYS get the girl, or the guy. I'm just that damn sexy!" Cynthia laughed and gave Nurse Joy a pat on the head. "It seems that the Ice Cream Lopunny was a murderous fiend. But don't worry, I killed it!" In a great example of irony, a brownish-white humanoid bunny broke through the window of their room.

"Whoops! I guess not!" said Cynthia, and everyone laughed like they do in the end of an episode of a sitcom. Yuppers, that's right, this chapter is over. This is an example of a cliffhanger. What will happen? Will the gang survive? Will Brock ever get it on with anyone? Will Dawn ever stop pining for her beloved Zoey? Will Pikachu do anything? And where the hell is Team Rocket? Stay tuned to find out!

 

[Neko Godot]

Heh, I finished chapter 2. It's not as good as chapter 1, but that's because there's too much setting stuff up and not enough stupidity. But anyways, enjoy!

Chapter 2: The Ice Cream Lopunny Strikes

Up in the air, a giant Meowth shaped hot air balloon was floating by. In it contained three crooks, who happened to call their little gang Team Rocket. These three members of Team Rocket were probably the least threatening villains in the history of television. They never succeeded at anything, but somehow it didn't hurt their self-esteem. The three members also managed to survive daily thundershock attacks without even developing any heart problems.

"I'm hungwy!" said Meowth, the shortest of the trio. Meowth happened to be a talking Meowth. When in disguise, no one seemed to notice that Meowth was a Meowth, which is kind of stupid of them to do. No one also seemed bothered much by the fact that Meowth COULD talk, or that he talked with a Brooklyn accent which he somehow developed in the Japanese version of Hollywood.

"Heeey! Let's rob that Pokemon Center over theeeeeeeere for foooooooood!" said James, the effeminate man of the trio. He had blue hair and liked dressing up as a girl. He left his life as a rich young boy to be a television star.

"I'm the boss around here! And I say we rob that Pokemon Center!" said Jessie. Jessie was the only girl of the trio. She was quite a *****. You could tell this because she had red hair, and redheads in anime always have fiery tempers.

It just so happened that, not coincidently, the Pokemon Center Team Rocket was planning to rob was the same one Ash and gang where in. This happened a lot to Team Rocket. Whenever they planned to rob something, the twerps were already there. Of course, there was one episode during Pokemon Chronicles in which Team Rocket went to a village without the twerps, but I refuse to acknowledge its existence in anime canon because of the shoddy quality of 4Kids dubs! The new voice actors are much better!

Meanwhile, Ash and the gang where horrified by the sight of the Ice Cream Lopunny. It had nearly killed Nurse Joy and was now advancing on the rest.

"Brock, can't you distract it with food?" yelled Dawn.

"Is that all I'm good for? Cooking? I'm a multi-faceted character, you know!" Brock yelled.

"HAH!" laughed Nurse Joy.

"I guess I, being the champion, must save the day," said a disgruntled Cynthia. She took out a Pokeball. "Go…!" Cynthia was interrupted, however, by a crash.

There was now a great gaping hole in the roof of their room. Hanging down was a hot air balloon basket, which contained Team Rocket.

"Team Rocket!" yelled out Ash, Brock, Dawn, and Cynthia in unison.

"Team Rocket? Who are they?" asked Nurse Joy. You'd think that the government would try to make people aware of the fact that an incompetent crime syndicate was running around Sinnoh, but then again, you'd think that the government would do a lot of things.

"They're a band of Pokemon thieves! They're always after my Pikachu!" answered Ash.

"Pikachu!' Pikachu said. I'm just letting you know it's still around.

"Luckily, I have my Pikachu to protect me from them!" Ash said. It's kind of silly that Ash's defense against a gang of crooks that want his Pikachu is, in fact, his Pikachu. Did he ever think of just carrying a gun around with him? It's one of his rights as a citizen of wherever the heck Pokemon takes place in!

"What the heck is going on here?" said an arrogant voice. Yuppers, it's Paul. He hates Ash and friends, because he's better than them.

"We're being attacked by the Ice Cream Lopunny! Help us!" screamed Ash.

"Ice Cream Lopunny?" Paul took out his Pokedex and scanned it. "Well, its EVs are nothing special, but its mammary gland levels are through the roof!" exclaimed Paul. "I think I'll catch this thing!"

"No, don't!" yelled another voice. It was Professor Oak, who was followed by quite a few people. Professor Oak was an old man. He enjoyed eating dinner at three in the afternoon and watched a lot of "The Price is Right" during his spare time.

"If you catch it, it'll just break free!" yelled out Tracey. Tracey was Oak's assistant. I forget what else he did; I don't think he ever did anything.

"And if it breaks free, it will kill you!" yelled out May. May was exactly like Dawn, except May had breasts.

"And if it kills you, you'll be dead!" cried out Misty. Misty was a gym leader in Cerulean City. She also had the hots for Ash, and if you think Ash prefers Dawn or May over Misty, you are a delusional fanboy! Ash and Misty forever!

"Hi I'm Max!" said Max. Max is May's brother. Max doesn't even have any Pokemon, so he's really lame and annoying.

"Too bad! I'm catching this Lopunny and you can't stop me!" Paul was prepared to throw the Pokeball, but at that moment Ash decided it would be a good idea for Pikachu to attack Team Rocket.

"Pikachu, use thunder on Team Rocket!" Ash commanded.

"Pikachu!" Pikachu said. It launched an electric attack from its cheeks, which blew up the entire room.

"Looks like Team Rocket's blasting off again!" Team Rocket screamed, but they weren't the only ones blasting off. So were Ash, Dawn, Brock, May, Max, Misty, Professor Oak, Tracey, Cynthia, Nurse Joy, Paul, and Pikachu. They disappeared into the night.

Now that the humans were gone, the Ice Cream Lopunny decided to build her fortress of evil in the Pokemon Center. This was an easy job, as all she had to do was hang a sign reading "Fortress of Evil" over where it said "Pokemon Center".

A couple of Buizels happened to notice this. The Buizel species is gangsta', yo, and they don't like other Pokemon messin' on their turf, dawg.

"Hey, that other Pokemon is messin' on our turf, dawg!" one of the Buizels said. Obviously it didn't say this in English, since Pokemon can only say their name, but for the sake of making this story easy to understand I'm translating it for you. So say thank you to your wonderful narrator!

"If that Lopunny wanna mess, than we'll mess, yo!" said another Buizel. "I ain't gonna let no **** mess with us Buizels."

The Buizels all marched to the Pokemon Center, yelling very mean things at the Ice Cream Lopunny that I can't possibly write down. After all, I must protect the innocent children that may happen upon this. Remember kids, profanity is NEVER necessary. But it is pretty damn fun to use!

The Ice Cream Lopunny appeared on the roof. "Ooooh, hello guys!" she said in a very high-pitched moan. "And what brings you here today, handsome Buizels?" She winked at them.

"Well er…" the lead Buizel was speechless. This was more or less because Lopunny was using her captivate move on them. And then they all got married and had 2.5 kids with a shiny suburban house with a white picket fence! Remember kids, stay in school, don't do drugs, and drink you milk!

Er… but in all honesty, Lopunny killed them all. That's life for you, I'm not here to censor it, just here to tell the facts.

As Lopunny went on her murderous rampage, the gang landed next to a scenic waterfall, which happened to be named Heinburg Falls. I bet you didn't know that Heinburg Falls was named after the famous scientist, Dr. Albert… Falls.

"Ouch, that was a hard landing!" said Joy. Joy SHOULD have said that it was a painful landing, but kids these days can't be bothered to use proper grammar. Damn kids, with their emo music, dyed hair, and instant gratification! I remember back in the day, I used to have to work my *** off doing chores just so that I could take the horseless carriage down to the picture show!

Professor Oak decided it was a good time to give out plot exposition. "Guys, we have a serious problem. The Ice Cream Lopunny cannot be stopped unless we gather the eleven ancient Pokemon of ancient prophecy that are ancient!"

"What a coincidence!" exclaimed Brock. "There are exactly eleven of us! We can all split up and search for them!"

"Pikachu!" cried Pikachu, who was clearly feeling left out. But no one cares about Pikachu because it's just another damn mouth for Brock to feed.

"But Professor Oak, how do we know what these Pokemon are, exactly?" asked Ash.

"I don't know, this story isn't planned out far enough! But you'll know them when you see them, since they're very ancient."

"Okay! Let's split up! Bye guys!" Ash said, and he ran away. And then they all split up.

Well, this was just a lame interim chapter. But trust me, it gets better. Because next chapter stars May and her breasts! And everyone likes breasts, right?

 

[Scytheteen]

well...this chapter wasn't as...funny as the first, Aand i don't see how it has do to with the series, but i'm eager to read chapter 3. and is cynthia still wearing the lengerie? XD

 

[pokemasterex]

very funny suff here keep up the good work.

 

[wrath222]

pretty funny a little negative at the beginning but really good

 

[Sweet Candace]

It's scaring me....please stop, I do't like stories that frighten me really

 

[Neko Godot]

Chapter the third is now complete! Enjoy!

Chapter 3: Big Boob Battle?! May VS Gardevoir!!

May was walking down a path, on the lookout for any ancient Pokemon. "Oh dear, it seems I can't find it."

Meanwhile, Team Rocket's balloon was flying over May, out of sight. "Hey look, it's da' twerp with da' boobs!" said Meowth.

"We should try and steal her Pokemon, because I hate people who have bigger boobs than me!" said Jessie, who no one finds attractive.

"Ooooooh, that sooooounds like a good ideaaaaaaaaa!" said James.

May had now come across a hot spring. You know what that means, fan service! May stripped down so that all she was wearing was a skimpy red bikini. Of course, fan service in a piece of literature is quite pointless, since there aren't any images to get you hot and bothered, but if you have a perverted enough imagination I'm sure you can think of May in a hot red bikini.

"How dare you enter the ancient hot springs!" boomed a voice. It was none other than a Gardevoir. It was no ordinary Gardevoir though, as this one had enormous breast.

"What kind of Pokemon are you, and why are your breasts almost as big as mine?" asked May.

"Almost? ALMOST?! Foolish girl, I am the ancient Gardevoir! Don't you dare insult my marvelous boobs!" Gardevoir scolded May.

"Eh, I don't think they're anything to write home about," said May.

"What? WHAT?! I've had enough of this foolish talk! It is time for us to battle!" announced Gardevoir.

"Like a Pokemon battle?" asked May.

"No! NO!! A battle to see how has the most wonderful boobs in all of Sinnoh!" yelled Gardevoir.

"Hold on!" A bunch of smoke appeared out of nowhere. "Prepare for trouble, and make it double! Double D cup, that is!" Team Rocket walked out of the smoke. "We'd like to participate too!" said Jessie.

"But James is a guy!" yelled May.

"Teehee, indeed I am!" said James, and he winked at May.

"Fine fine, you guys can join in the fun too, I don't care! But we will need an impartial judge first!" said Gardevoir.

"Hey look, at hot spring!" a generic looking character said.

"You, what's your name?" asked Gardevoir.

"Judge," said the generic character.

"Judge, do you like boobs?" asked Gardevoir again.

"Why yes, yes I do."

"We found our judge! Let the battle get underway!"

Gardevoir had set up a stage at the hot springs, with loads of gaudy light fixtures. Judge sat at the judge's table across from the stage. Gardevoir was preparing for her turn to go out, as the rest sat inside a back room.

"You're going down, big boobed twerp!" taunted Jessie.

"And what makes you say that?" asked May. "I haven't seen anyone ever get excited by you, ever!"

"That may be true, but this time Team Rocket has a secret weapon!" Jessie cackled. "You have no chance to survive! Make your time!"

Gardevoir entered the backroom. "Okay guys, it's my turn to go up! Now remember, you job is to get Judge to like your boobs! Whoever's boobs Judge likes more wins the battle!" And with that, Gardevoir walked out of the backroom. You know, now that I think about it, this chapter has a ridiculously stupid plot. And sadly it gets even stupider. Starting NOW!

Gardevoir walked onto the stage. "Hello there handsome!" she giggled at Judge. Then she thrusted her chest out.

"Er..," said Judge.

"What? Do you like them?" Gardevoir giggled and blushed.

"Well, you see, it's just that I'm not into Pokemon. I kind of like actual human beings," said Judge.

"DAMMIT! I KNEW I should have waited for a judge that was obviously a furry!" Gardevoir stormed offstage. "May's up next, I hope that Judge doesn't have a thing for ten year old girls," she muttered.

"Hi there!" May walked out, wearing that skimpy red bikini and her trademark bandana.

"Impressive!" Judge leaned over to get a better look.

"Oops," said May. Her bandana fell off. "I guess I'll have to pick this up." May bent over and then, well… you know. I honestly can't believe I'm writing this. It's just so dirty and stupid. I'm gonna have to take a shower once I'm done with this chapter, so that I'll feel clean again.

"WOWZERS!" Judge's eyes popped out of his head. Not literally off course, or else he wouldn't be able to do much judging anymore.

"Dammit, this guy must have a Lolita complex!" cursed Gardevoir. Does this mean that Judge will soon be visited by Dateline and Chris Hansen? Find out in "To Catch a Predator: Pokemon Edition", airing exclusively on NBC and its affiliates!

Jessie now walked off to do her thing. Judge yawned.

"WHY DOES NOBODY FIND ME ATTRACTIVE?" yelled Jessie.

"Because you're overshadowed by the younger yet more prominent female members of Ash's group," said Judge.

Finally it was time for James to go up on stage. He walked up and then threw off his clothes, revealing a bright orange bikini and ridiculously large breasts.

"Ooooooh, do you like them?" asked James in a very high pitched voice, acting more effeminate than usual. This is a reference to that banned scene from "Beauty and the Beast", but 4Kids doesn't want you to know about it. Al Kahn also has many more deep dark secrets that are too shocking and disturbing to reveal on a publicly accessed website, so I will leave you all to ponder them, or search Google for them.

"We have a winner!" announced Judge.

James was celebrating, but May wasn't buying it. She took out a Pokeball. "Blaziken, go!" A fiery buff chicken appeared. "Peck attack!" May commanded. Blaziken ran up to James, pecked at his chest, and then watched as his breasts popped.

"Those weren't boobs, those were balloons!" said Gardevoir, in case you didn't realize it already.

"Which means I win!" said May.

"Oh no ya' don't! Fury swipes!" Meowth jumped out and started scratching Blaziken.

"Don't take that from Meowth! Use Blaze Kick on Team Rocket!" ordered May. Blaziken kicked all of Team Rocket up into the sky.

"Looks like Team Rocket's blasting off again!" screamed Team Rocket. Sadly, this isn't the last time we'll see them in this story.

"Well May, I guess you win, fair and square. You have the finest boobs in all the land," said Gardevoir.

"Not so fast!" said a voice. I nearly forgot about her, but how can you bring up the topic of Pokemon characters' boobs without mentioning the one, the only: Lorelei!

"Lorelei!" gasped Gardevoir. Sheesh Gardevoir, we already knew that. Way to waste up valuable space!

"Actually, 4Kids and Al Kahn would prefer it if you called me Prima," Prima said. It's kind of silly, anyway, since "Lorelei" and "Prima" take exactly the same amount of time to say. The name change was just idiocy on 4Kids part, and should not be considered canon. Therefore, I will ignore the request of Al Kahn and continue to call Lorelei "Lorelei".

"YOU win!" yelled Judge, amazed at the size of Lorelei's boobs.

"Hmm, are you an actual judge?" asked Lorelei.

"No, but my name is Judge! How about a date sometime?"

"I don't date common riff raff like you!" sneered Lorelei. "And since you aren't a real judge, that means this entire battle has been one big sham." Lorelei turned to face May and Gardevoir. "You do know that you wasted an entire chapter? No plot development at all happened! You should both be ashamed of yourselves!"

"Gardevoir, I'm getting sick of Prima," said May.

"I think we should blast HER off!" said Gardevoir. "Psybeam!"

"Blaziken, Fire Blast!" May ordered. The two attacks hit Lorelei and she went flying into the air.

"I may be blasting off, but at least I have bigger breasts than you two!" Prima screamed as she flew into the horizon.

"Well, we may as well get some plot development done. Gardevoir, since you're one of those ancient Pokemon, wanna help me defeat the Ice Cream Lopunny?" asked May.

"Sure!" said Gardevoir. Wow, for a second there, I actually forgot that this story had some sort of plot. Anyway, May and Gardevoir walked off, heading back towards the Ice Cream Lopunny's lair.

Oh, thank goodness this chapter's over. Next time it's Nurse Joy! Her and Jenny's horrific back story will be revealed! You won't wanna miss it! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to take a shower. Oh, so dirty and filthy, MUST BE CLEAN!

 

[pokemasterex]

reading this maned me feel dirty but i already toke a shower.......o well.

 

[lilninjapig]

Funny, but perverted...? Let's hope the next chapter is free from perverts...*cough*judge*cough*

 

[Neko Godot]

I like this chapter very much! I'm much more proud of it than I am with the last one. Anyway, as always, enjoy!

Chapter 4: A Family Secret?! Joy's Battle!!

Nurse Joy was utterly lost in a forest. "It seems I can't find any of those ancient Pokemon," she said, and then she collapsed to the ground. I don't get why she's so tired, it's only been one chapter since she set off.

Anyway, Joy now heard a motorcycle approaching. It was Office Jenny! Jenny is like Joy, except in cop form! "Hello there!" said Jenny.

"Hey look, it's the Officer Jenny that happens to be my sister!" Joy filled us in on some character details. It's quite a coincidence that Jenny happened to be driving through a forest filled with nothing and happened upon the Joy that was her sister, isn't it?

"Sis! How are you?" squealed Jenny with glee, and not just any glee, but that glee girls get when they talk about boys and yaoi and getting their nails done.

"It's been a while," Joy frowned. "You never telephoned me, e-mailed me, faxed me, paged me, telegraphed me, or sent me a message via carrier Pidgey. It's as if you were hiding something from me." Joy began to cry.

"I'd NEVER hide anything from you!" Jenny patted Joy on her shoulder. From the way Jenny said never, you could tell that she was indeed hiding something from Joy. Which means that there's going to be a plot twist coming up soon.

"Well then why didn't you… sob… contact me?" asked Joy. It's pretty stupid to say sob instead of actually crying, in my humble opinion, but then again, Joy was always lacking in brains, not beauty. It makes you wonder how such a ditz could get a medical profession in the first place. She probably cheated on her exams or something. I know this one guy who lives in the bathroom that sells you the answers to any test for ten bucks, but then he had to shut down because all of his answers got flushed down when some bully stuck some nerd's head down the toilet. The test answer merchant then was unable to feed himself and his family, and he died later that year. I went to his funeral. It was a morbid affair, but the free food was pretty good. Of course, the merchant's wife ended up choking on a cocktail hotdog, and that led to a trip to the hospital, but I wouldn't want to waste your time with a pointless meandering story now, would I?

"Because of my job! I've been busy!" said Jenny. "Protecting the middle of nowhere from crooks and ruffians and ninjas!" Jenny's services would probably be much more needed in New York City, but I don't think it exists in the Pokemon world, so oh well.

"Anyway, do you know anything about ancient Pokemon?" asked Joy.

"I've NEVER heard about any ancient Pokemon!" Jenny lied again. What a two faced bastard!

"Oh well," sighed Joy.

"Hey, how about we go back to the police station! You could take a rest there!" suggested Jenny.

"That sounds like a good idea!" Joy cheered up. Then they both hopped back on the motorcycle. They forgot to put on their helmets! Shame on them! Head injuries are the number one cause of death in the Pokemon world, followed by exposure to Groudon sun rays. I once knew these two brothers. One of them fell off a motorcycle while not wearing a helmet and died. The other got a nasty sunburn and died. They had a bleak funeral. Then the wife from the earlier anecdote chocked on a cocktail hotdog again. Wow this is stupid, but at least it isn't perverted like last chapter!

Anyway, now the sisters were sitting at the police station, talking over a cup of coffee. "So, how's cousin Jenny doing?" asked Joy.

"Uh… good," replied Jenny.

"And aunt Jenny?"

"Fine, she's fine."

"What about niece Jenny? Is she alright?"

"She's NEVER been better!" There's that capitalized never again. Do I even have to explain what that means?

"Glad to hear that the whole family's doing well!" said Joy.

Jenny stood up suddenly. "What family?" she yelled. Oops, she let something slip, which means that plot twist is coming up soon.

"What do you mean 'What family'?" asked Joy, looking slightly terrified.

"The only ones truly related are just you, dad, and me! The rest of the Joys, the rest of the Jennys, they're all clones!" Jenny laughed manically.

"You're lying! You have to be lying!" Joy shouted. Ironically, this is one of the few times in the chapter that Jenny has actually told the truth.

"I'm not lying! Don't you understand?" Jenny screamed. "Dad sold us out! He turned us over to some crazy scientist and left us, glad that we were out of his hands!" This really is a ridiculous plot twist.

"How? Why would dad do that?" asked Joy, trembling as he spoke.

"He didn't care about us! All he cared about was his money and his prized tuna fish can collection!" Jenny laughed.

"But mom! Mom wouldn't leave us! She'd protect us!" Joy screamed.

"You don't understand? Your mother has been watching over you since that terrifying incident! I am your mother!" shouted Jenny. I must now interrupt the story once again just to say how ridiculous that is. I mean, how young was Jenny when she gave birth to Joy? Considering how close in age they are, it's physically impossible for Jenny be Joy's mother. But hey, I don't make up this stuff, I just tell it to the general public.

Now is a good time to tell you the story of the legendary singer and actor, Bobby Darin. Bobby Darin has performed various hit songs, such as "Beyond the Sea". Anyway, Bobby grew up in the Bronx during the Great Depression, raised by his mother and sister. However, shortly before he died, he learned that his mother was his grandmother, and that his sister was actually his mother. As you can see, Bobby's situation is similar to Joy's except for the fact that it will be the mother, not the offspring, which will die, in Joy's case. Oops, I should have labeled that with a spoiler warning. Too bad you know that Jenny dies now. It would have been a real shocker if you didn't know it was coming. But now, thanks to my ramblings, you now know that it IS coming. Oh, and while I'm at it, Snape kills Dumbledore, Sephiroth kills Aeris, Darth Vader is Luke's father, and the Planet of the Apes was Earth all along.

Er... now I forgot where we left off. Oh yes, now I remember, Jenny just told Joy that she was her mother. Joy was in shock. I don't blame her, after being lied to all these years.

"But now I must kill you! You know too much!" shouted Jenny. This contradicts what Jenny said earlier, about how she was protecting Joy, but if there wasn't a big fight, this would be quite an unexciting chapter. "Go Arcanine!" Jenny sent out an enormous flaming dog Pokemon, and by flaming I mean "on fire", NOT "obviously homosexual". Just thought I'd clear that up for you.

"Rawr! I am the ancient Arcanine! Rawr! Fear me!" roared Arcanine.

"An ancient Pokemon! I can't die, I have to get it in order to stop the evil wrath of the Ice Cream Lopunny!" said Joy. "Go Blissey!" Joy sent out a fat pink Pokemon with an egg pouch.

"Arcanine, Fire Blast!" The ancient Pokemon spewed out flames from its lips.

"Minimize!" Joy shouted. Blissey shrunk down to about the size of a… uh… look at one of the letters in this sentence. That's how big Blissey was now.

"Dammit! Use another Fire Blast Arcanine!" Arcanine repeated the attack just as Blissey grew back to normal size.

"Darn, we need to block this attack! Blissey, Mirror Coat!" Blissey braced itself and then watched as the fire blasted off its body and spread out, shooting all over the police station. It slowly began to burn down. Remember kids, only you can prevent forest fires! Don't play with your fire type Pokemon in the woods! Luckily for you, Pokemon don't actually exist. I guess that makes this a pretty stupid public service announcement.

"How dare you burn down this place?! Arcanine, Fire Blast!"

"Blissey, Egg Bomb!" Blissey threw an egg at the approaching flames, and it spectacularly exploded, leaving scrambled eggs all over the place. I don't know about you, but scrambled eggs are the last thing on want lying around on the ground.

"Fire Blast!"

"Egg Bomb!"

Once again, the two attacks collided, and once again, scrambled eggs flew everywhere. Oh, if only the former test answer merchant lived in this forest. He would have had loads of food, and his wife could have choked on scrambled eggs instead.

"Fire Blast, use all you got!" commanded Jenny.

"Egg Bomb won't work this time! We'll need a stronger attack! Blissey, use Egg Nuke!" This time Blissey heaved a much larger egg at the flames, forcing the Fire Blast back at Arcanine and Jenny. With a marvelous explosion, the battle ended. Though Arcanine was still standing, exhausted and unable to battle, Jenny was on the ground, dead. Of course, this isn't a surprise, as I told you earlier that she'd die.

"Rawr! You killed my trainer! Rawr! That's awfully mean of you!" roared Arcanine.

"Too bad! I need you to join me so that you can help us defeat the Ice Cream Lopunny!" said Joy.

"Rawr! The Ice Cream Lopunny, I've heard of her! Rawr! I want free ice cream! Rawr! So let's get going! Rawr! Right now!" roared Arcanine.

"That was easier than expected!" said Joy. "But before we go, I have something I have to do!" Joy then buried Jenny underneath the police station's rubble. After that, Joy and Arcanine set off to confront the Ice Cream Lopunny.

Well, that was a refreshing change of pace from the last perverted chapter, wasn't it? With all those plot twists and such, I'm exhausted just from writing it. Of course, you'll wanna look at for the next chapter, which features Professor Oak as the central character. What happens when a Pokemon researcher questions the existence of a certain Pokemon? You'll have to read next time to find out! But for now, I'll smell ya' later!

~Officer Jenny~
~1997 – 2007~
~Protective Mother, Great Sister, Good Cousin, Fine Aunt, Alright Niece~​

 

[Neko Godot]

Sorry for the hiatus, but I'm back!

Chapter 4: Does Arceus Exist?! A Scientific Crisis!

Professor Oak was walking through a generic looking forest, though if it was the same one May or Joy was in, I don't know. "I need to find one of those ancient Pokemon," said Oak.

"Ssssssshock the ancient Pokemon to sssssssssleep!" said a voice that sounded a lot like Sean Connery. In actuality it was Professor Rowan, Sinnoh's resident scientist that had nothing better to do than make kids fill up the Pokedex for him.

"Professor Rowan, is that you?" asked Oak.

"Ah Oak, good to see you!" Rowan appeared from behind a tree. "We had just ssssssset up a makeshift lab here and experimenting on this ancient Pokemon!" Rowan pointed to a sleeping Slaking lying on the forest ground.

"It's asleep! But I need it awake! What am I going to do?" cried Oak.

"Do a barrel roll!" said Rowan.

"And how is that going to help? That doesn't even make any sense!" said Oak.

"Well, if I may make a ssssssssserious sssssssssuggestion, you can try bombing the ancient Slaking awake," said Rowan.

"That may work! Let's try it!" said Oak.

"Okay, but we don't have a lot of bombs here," said Rowan.

"And what does that mean?" asked Oak.

"Use bombs wisely!" replied Rowan.

"I'll try to," said Oak. He walked into a tent and found one of the bombs, and then threw it at Slaking. It didn't move at all.

"It ssssssssseems that my ssssssssuggestion was useless. How sssssssssssssad," said Rowan.

"There must be something else we can do!" yelled Oak.

"Do a barrel roll!" said Rowan.

"Oh shut up!" bickered Oak. "Rolling barrels isn't going to help!"

"I'm not telling you to roll barrels! I'm telling you to do a barrel roll!"

"Bah!" Oak checked his watch. "Great, now it's eleven o'clock. I'm going to miss "The Price is Right", and I'll probably be late for dinner too!"

"Well, I did create an antidote for the ssssssssssleeping sssssssstate that the ancient Pokemon is in right now," said Rowan. Wow, typing all the words that Professor Rowan says that begin with "s" is annoying. Those red squiggly lines that appear under misspelled words are such an eyesore.

"Well, where is this antidote?" Oak asked testily. Once a senior misses "The Price is Right", they get pretty ticked off. So always make sure you get grandpa home at eleven if you ever go out for a "fun" day of activities. You know what, don't bother going out for a day of activities with your grandpa, because he'll probably just complain about them anyway. Unless the day included going to a taping of "The Price is Right".

"I'm afraid I lost it," said Rowan. Contrary to popular belief, Rowan did not have some kind of crazy old people disease, he was just stupid. It makes you wonder how he became a scientist in the first place.

At this moment one of Professor Rowan's assistants appeared. Since her name is never mentioned by any of the characters, and since I don't feel like typing out "Professor Rowan's assistant" every time she speaks, we'll just refer to her as Pam. Pam is a nice, short, easy to type name. "Professor Rowan, did you lose the antidote?" Pam said in a motherly voice.

"Yes I did, lowly scientist peon," Rowan said.

"Did you forget your medication today?" asked Pam.

"I don't take any medication, foolish assistant grunt!" yelled Rowan.

"Oh silly me!" Wow, this Pam girl is possibly even more stupid than Rowan.

"Yes, you are a silly grub that works for me!" yelled Rowan. Wow, Pam's self-esteem must have hit rock bottom after working a couple of days with this guy.

"Don't worry, I think I saw the antidote! It was by those campers over there!" Pam pointed to a bunch of tents that I didn't bother mentioning earlier in the story.

Oak and Rowan ran over to these tents and talked to the first person they found. "Excuse me, have you seen some sort of antidote?" asked Oak.

"I'm sorry, but we are on a journey," said the man, in a kind of airy, spaced out voice. I don't even think he heard what Oak said.

"What kind of journey? Like, a journey to find yourself, or a Frodo Baggins destroy the ring kind of journey?" asked Rowan. Thank goodness there weren't any words that started with "S" in that sentence.

"No. We are on a religious journey to the mountain Coronet to visit the spiritual peak," the man said.

"Ah, so you're those crazy Arceusists!" said Oak.

"You are sadly mistaken. We are not crazy."

"Heh, are you telling me you actually believe that Arceus exists? Because trust me, he doesn't!" said Oak.

"Unless you have a cheating device or have participated in an official Nintendo event!" Rowan added in.

"I see you are nonbelievers," the Arceusist said.

"Of course we are! We're ssssssscientists!" yelled Rowan.

"Anyway, we must know, have you seen an antidote?" Oak was getting anxious.

"I'm sorry, but I don't associate myself with Athceusists. But don't worry, Arceus is forgiving," said the Arceusist calmly.

"ARGH! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS! ARCEUS IS NOT REAL! HE DOES NOT EXIST! HE IS FICTIONAL! JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS AND HARRY POTTER AND BIGFOOT!" shouted Oak.

"How dare you? Bigfoot does exist!" The Arceusist was now getting a bit annoyed.

"Yeah, well next time you see Arceus, tell him to say "hello" to your buddy Bigfoot for you!" taunted Oak.

"Guys, let's not fight! We are sssssssssimply looking for an antidote, that is all! We have no desire to cause a predicament!" Rowan said worryingly.

"Oh yes we do!" yelled the Arceusist. "These guy has insulted me far enough! I hate it when people try to push their lack of belief down my throat!"

"Yeah, well at least I don't go door to door with flyers like you guys do!" Oak said back.

"You're wrong! Arceusism is obviously the right choice!" yelled the panicked Arceusist.

"You're wrong, because science is always right! Arceus doesn't exist! You've been living a lie, just like a homosexual performer that comes out of the closet after twenty years of having a girlfriend that he kept around only to hide the truth!" shouted back Butler.

"CALM DOWN!" boomed Rowan, and everyone became silent for a moment.

"That's a good idea. I will calm down and pray to Arceus that this man will see the light." The Arceusist sat in silence for a moment, and then stood back up.

"Well, where is your precious Arceus?" taunted Oak.

"Oh he must be very busy, considering it's very hard work being a deity and all," said the Arceusist.

"Oh yes, it must be extremely hard to not exist! That must be very hard work indeed!" yelled Oak.

At this point, Oak saw a glare in the Arceusist's eyes, and he began to run, knowing what would happen next. The Arceusist jumped up and began to chase him, but he wasn't very fast.

"Use boost to chase!" Rowan advised the Arceusist.

"Hey, you're supposed to be my buddy!" yelled Oak, still running.

Rowan decided that now that the two fighters were out of the way, he could search for the antidote. In fact, it just happened to be right where the Arceusist was standing.

"Hey look! The antidote just happened to be where the Arceusist was sssssssssssssstanding!" claimed Rowan. He picked it up and ran back to the makeshift laboratory, where Pam was waiting for him.

"Hello professor! Did you manage to find the antidote?" she asked.

"Of course I did! I'm not a pathetic nobody like you!" Rowan yelled at her.

"Sorry for insulting your intelligence professor Rowan," apologized Pam. That's funny, Pam thinks that Rowan is intelligent!

"Anyway, I need to awaken the ancient Pokemon from its ssssssslumber so that my colleague Oak can use it for whatever unspecified reason he has!" Rowan said. He took out the antidote and poked Slaking with the needle, injecting the antidote into it.

"DAMMMIT!" Slaking woke up with a yelp. "That really hurt you know!"

"Well excuuuuuuuuse me princess, but I really needed to wake you up!" Rowan shouted at Slaking.

"Fine fine, but I'm really hungry now," complained Slaking.

At this moment, Oak and the Arceusist began running towards the lab. Slaking, respecting other scientists, decided that he'd have the Arceusist for a snack. He grabbed them, and then a very violent scene happened, which if I described to you would scar you for life. Anyway, after eating the Arceusist, Slaking removed the bloody bones from its mouth, since no one ever likes eating the bones, even if you're a Slaking.

"Hey Slaking, do you think you can help me out? Will you join the me to help defeat the Ice Cream Bunny?" Oak asked, completely disregarding the gruesome undescribed scene that he had witnessed.

"Sure, let's get going!" Slaking and Oak started to walk from the lab.

"Good luck you guys! And remember! When in doubt, do a barrel roll!" Rowan shouted to them.

"That's still bad advice!" Oak shouted back.

"I would also like to wish you luck on your quest!" shouted Pam.

"Only the head scientist can give good luck out, not a loser like you!" Rowan scolded.

"I'm sorry! It won't happen again!" said Pam.

"Good! Now I'd like you to clean up that mess Ssssslaking left! If the police come we'd have loads of explaining to do! So it'd be best to just bury the bones or ssssssomething like that!" ordered Rowan.

"Yes sir! Will do!" said Pam.

"Of course you'll do it, you useless lowlife!" shouted Rowan.

Meanwhile, back at the Arceusists' campsite, there was a poof. From all the smoke appeared Arceus. He then coughed for a bit.

"Oh dear, I really need to stop with that smoke! It's not good for my lungs!" Arceus coughed a bit more and then looked around. He saw no one. He then took out a list and read it for a bit.

"Hmm, it says here someone called for my services a while ago. I guess it was just some kid's idea of a prank! One day I'll show those kids! This will be that last time they ever trick me! I swear by Arceus's… Oh wait, I AM Arceus! That's pretty funny!" Arceus chuckled to himself for a bit, and then poofed and disappeared.

 

[Oathkprfenrir]

Lmao do a barrel roll and use bombs wisely lol.that is so from starfox.nice work on the fic keep it coming

 

[jb0000612]

This is somewhat weird. But funny.:D

 

[ronda124]

That made me laugh out loud, it was so funny and weird. I can't wait for more :D

 

[Scytheteen]

okay a couple things about this

it is very funny but its stupid is there even a plot?

 

[luke]

I adore this story. I'll be back to read for the next chapter.