[Other Original] Cartoon Script: LIB

[Quto]

A long time ago, I have been developing a cartoon series using 8-bit to 32-bit video game sprites(Custom, nothing copied or stolen of course), a weird animation I've dubbed Life In Bits.


The cartoon center's around two characters, a fox and a slime named Kyd and Foetem, living in a massive digital world, tackling life problems based on the world they live in. The problems the pair face aren't really 'normal'; busting viral apparitions that plague their world, taking on various temp jobs to earn a pay-check in order to eat, pay bills and keep a life-insurance policy that will ensure their life for that when they die, they'll be immediately reborn into the world and other various odd and ends.


I have been able to amass a large group of people who have been dying to voice act in something, even if it wasn't anime, though I'm lacking artists and a writer, both departments which I am trying to make up for, though my script writing sucks. I have a rough draft for a pilot I'm putting together though I'm not really sure if it's either funny or up to snuff.


I'll post the draft in the spoiler and will appreciate any feedback both positive, negative or constructive.

Spoiler:

**Warp In**
[[Metroid-Like Game Arena]]


Foetem: So…. What are we doing here now?

Kyd: Ms. Sammy spotted a virus fixing games in the Arena. She called the temp agency, they in turn sent us; mostly because I'm broke and you ate the last of our food.

[Kyd is flipping through holographic cards in front of him]

Kyd: Equip Blaster

[A card vanishes: A weapon is attached to his arm.]

Foetem: What does the virus look like?


Kyd: Competitors have reported it taking on the form of the equipment pads. So this might be a little trick-

Foetem: Hey, a Missile Launcher.

Kyd: FOETEM, DUCK!

[Blaster Fire: PEW!]

Foetem: You shot a hole through the Missile Launcher!

Kyd: It could have been the virus! You need to be more-

[Grabs Missile Launcher]
[A new Missile Launcher re-spawns with a hole in it]

Kyd: -careful... This is bad...

Foetem: Is that suppose to happen?

Kyd: No, it shouldn't…

Virus: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP

Foetem: THERE IT IS! AFTER IT!

[Kyd drops the blaster, it breaks apart into data, then into thin air]
[Kyd Cycles a new card as he runs after the virus, the sword card disappears]

Kyd: Equip, Sword! Get back here you mess of code!
[Kyd tries to piece the Virus as he gets close, hits a gun power-up.]
[Kyd tries to slice vertically, the virus sidesteps and throws dirt into his eyes]

Kyd: Foetem, Sword buddy, Dual Art

[Foetem catches up and intertwines with Kyds blade]
[Kyd slices vertically, unleashing a slime wave; the virus glitches itself out of existence behind the slime wave as it ducks into the nearest tunnel]

Kyd: SCRAP! It's dodging everything! You alright Foe?!

Foetem: Iiiiiiiiiiii think soooooooooo....
[Foetem was splattered against a wall with a deep cut, left behind by the 'dual art.']
[*Kyd grabs a portion of his body and pulls him off as they chase the virus into the main room]

-===-
SYSTEM: Alert! Alert! Virus detected, proceeding with Quarantine Measures!

[Doors shut left and right, closing off the entire room.]

Foetem: What's happening?!

Kyd: The Quarantine kicked in... Most Arenas come equipped with these to trap viruses until they're dealt with.

Foetem: Then why didn't this trap the virus earlier before we got here?

Kyd: I don't know, it may have kept choosing to avoid this room; there are other routes in the arena.

Foetem: Well... How do we find it then? If it's trapped in here with us, it can't run very far.

Kyd: Hmmm... I need to borrow one of your eyes.

[Removes one of the Slime Eyes from Foetem, throws it to the ceiling. It sticks]

Kyd: Do you see it?

Foetem: Is the room is suppose to be symmetrical?

Kyd: It's suppose to be.

Foetem: There's an extra weapon pad on the platform above the east exit.

Kyd: Can you ensnare him in? I don't want to risk destroying another power-up… again.

Foetem: Only if you get my eye back.
[Kyd tosses his sword to the celing with his eye.]
[A chunk of debris falls with the eye and sword attached.]
[Kyd catches the debris, removing the eye and his weapon.]

[Foetem sneaks up behind the extra weapon pad and body slams it]
[The virus attempts an escape, but can't break free.]

Virus: MOOP! MOOP! MOOP! MOOP! MAAAAARP! MEEeeelp! oooooooo-........

Foetem: I Got it!

Kyd: Foetem, if you would be so kind to expose the head buddy?

[Foetem reveals the head of the virus]
[Kyd pierces the virus with his sword]
[The vrius breaks apart, leaving behind a black block]

Virus: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo-

Kyd: Alright, lets make our way to the exit and get paid.

---[[Sammy's Office]]
Sammy: So, did you boys take care of the problem?

[Kyd recovers the black block from Foetems body]

Kyd: We did, though we may have caused some damage to one or two of the weapons acquiring this thing.

Sammy: That's a rel- Wait, what? How?!

Kyd: I don't know, I shot the missile launcher by accident, thinking it was the virus, but it just made a hole in the weapon! I pulled it out to re-spawn it, but the same launcher with the hole spawned in its place!… I thought the weapons self repair!

Sammy: On a daily basis, yes. The weapons system resets and self-repairs at night.

Kyd: Oh….. Then are there any more matches today in that arena?

Sammy: There was one that was suppose to take place 10 minutes after you boys left the arena the virus remains….

[Chaos Reigns from behind the boys]

Contender #1: Hey! The Missile Launcher fires 3 missiles at once! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

[BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!]
Contender #2: GRENADE SPLIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!

Contender #3: THIS SHOTGUN FIRES IN MULTIPLE DIRECTIONS?! WHOOO!!!!!

Kyd: I guess they didn't notice the weapons we're damaged….

Foetem: No harm done right? Did we succeed?

Sammy: I suppose not. I'll tag this job as a success and close the arena for the day when this match finishes. You boys are free.

Kyd: Thanks!

---[[Minus City – Streets]]
[Different People are roaming and denizens of the world are roaming the town]
[The digital sun setting as the town begins to unwind]

Foetem: That was a little hectic. We lucked out at the end though.

Kyd: Yep.

Foetem: So, want to take another virus job tomorrow?

Kyd: I don't think that's a good idea.

Foetem: We could go find a temp job to fight in the arena for a while.

Kyd: Our Life Insurance policy doesn't re-spawn us with a full inventory during arena fights. We would have to go back to our bodies to get our things.

Foetem: Well, we could look up a temp job with the police as boun-

Kyd: No.

[Foetem continues on with Dialog based of fighting viruses as the conversation trails off]

EDIT: Third Draft is in place.

 

[Quto]

Can a mod please move this to the writers lounge, I made a mistake posting it here.

 

[Bay]

Can a mod please move this to the writers lounge, I made a mistake posting it here.

You actually put the story/script in the right place as scripts are fine here as long as they're well written. I'm actually considering checking this out, so when I get the chance I'll edit this post with my comments and will let you know.

 

[Quto]

You actually put the story/script in the right place as scripts are fine here as long as they're well written. I'm actually considering checking this out, so when I get the chance I'll edit this post with my comments and will let you know.

Thank you.

 

[Bay]

Okay, commenting on your script as promised!

Kyd: Ms. Sammy spotted a virus fixing games in the Arena. She called the temp agency, they in turn sent us; mostly because I'm broke and you ate the last of our food.

Kyd: Equip Blaster

For this part, I think you can add both Kyd's lines into one dialogue along with their reaction (Kyd sighing, etc).

Foetem: Hey, a Missile Launcher.


Kyd: FOETEM, DUCK!

Foetem: You shot a hole through the Missile Launcher!

Seems to be missing some sort of action after Kyd said "duck." How did Kyd shot a hole through the missile launcher?

**Grabs Missile Launcher**
*A new Missile Launcher re-spawns with a hole in it*

Kyd: -careful...

I'm assuming Foetem is the one that grabs the missle launcher. Kyd probably made a hole again? If so, make that more clear. One other thing is with actions, in script writing I usually see brackets [this]. For instance:

[Foetem grabs Missile launcher]

[Kyd shots through the missile launcher. A new Missile Launcher re-spawns with a hole in it]

This is just preference, though.

Kyd: Equip, Sword! Get back here you mess of code!

Kyd: SCRAP! It's dodging everything!

Between Kyd's lines there should be a more detalied description of what that Virus is doing/how it's dodging. I know some lines are sparse as this is for voice acting, but even then it won't to put a bit more detail so your voice actors can get a better idea on how to react.

Kyd: Hmmm... I need to borrow one of your eyes.
**Removes one of the Slime Eyes from Foetem, throws it to the ceiling. It sticks**
Kyd: Do you see it?

The brackets I mentioned earlier would make this part read cleaner for your voice actors. Like this:

Kyd: Hmmm... I need to borrow one of your eyes. [Removes one of the Slime Eyes from Foetem, throws it to the ceiling. It sticks]. Do you see it?

Sammy: So, did you boys take care of the problem?

**Kyd recovers a1 black block from Foetem's body**

Maybe a bit more description of what Sammy is doing to set the scene/setting up? For instance, Sammy sitting next to her desk, etc. There are also a couple grammatical corrections I did in red.

For the final scene with the Minus City setting, perhaps more details like for instance if there's a large crowd. Doesn't have to be a full blown description since this is a script, but at least a few sentences should work.

So, having only a tiny familarity with the Metorid series, I admit some of the references have gone over my head. Besides that, I'm afraid I got lost on some parts I pointed out (who is doing what, some actions not described). That doesn't make this a bad script, though. There are some amusing parts (Kyd borrowing Foetem's eyes for instance), and with some polish I'm sure the folks doing the voice acting will enjoy it. Not a bad effort for your first script, and if you decide to do more looking forward to you making progress on them.

 

[Quto]

I will on pursuing more scripts though, allow me elaborate a little with the missing actions. Along with the script, I've been putting together the visual pieces or story board and have been referencing my current draft of the script. When I updated the draft a second time, I updated this one as well I was in the middle of both updating the script and the story board at the same time mid-way. With a proper graphical pieces developed, I was able to begin the first scene and present it to the voice actors; or at least the chunks I can get across the actors I'm working with. Some of the actions we're cut out because they we're already drawn before I went to begin drawing and pulling the pixel art together..

As far as grammar and spelling mistakes, you got me. This is still a second draft before I finish the full thing.

The first draft includes the missing actions. which I'll include into the spoiler here with grammar problems and misspelled words before spell check.
If it helps to include the actions in the second draft, I'll add them then.

Spoiler:

**Warp In**
[[Metroid-Like Game Arena]]

Foetem: So…. What are we doing here now?

Kyd: Sammy spotted a virus fixing games in the Arena. She called the temp agency, they in turn sent us; mostly because I'm broke and you ate the last of our food…. (Need new reason to bring Foetem Along)

Kyd: Equip Blaster

**A Laser gun materializes out of thin air.**

Foetem: What does the virus look like?

Kyd: Competitors have reported it taking on the form of the equipment pads. So it might be a little trick-

Foetem: Hey, a Missile Launcher.

Kyd: FOETEM, DUCK!

**Gun Fire**

Foetem: You shot a whole through the Missile Launcher!

Kyd: It could have been the virus!… Besides, these weapons re-spawn once grabbed.

**Grabs Missile Launcher**
*A new Missile Launcher re-spawns with a hole in it*

Foetem: Is that suppose to happen?

Kyd: No, it shouldn't…

Virus: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP

Foetem: THERE IT IS! AFTER IT!

**Kyd drops the blaster, it breaks apart into data, then into thin air**

Kyd: Equip, Sword!

**A sword is pulled out of thin air**

Kyd: Get back here you mess of code!

**The virus dodges as Kyd accidentally cuts a grenade, a shot-gun and an armor set**

**The Virus runs into a large room**

Kyd: SCRAP! It's dodging everything!

SYSTEM: Alert! Alert! Virus detected, proceeding with Quarantine Measures!

**Doors shut left and right, closing off the entire room.**

Foetem: What happened?!

Kyd: The Quarantine kicked in; most Arenas come equipped with these to trap viruses until they're dealt with…. I guess the virus kept avoiding this room.

Foetem: How do we find it then? If it's trapped in here with us, it can't run anymore…

Kyd: I need to borrow one of your eyes.
**Removes one of the Slime Eyes from Foetem, throws it to the ceiling. It sticks**
Kyd: Do you see him?

Foetem: The room is suppose to be symmetrical, right?

Kyd: It's suppose to be to give the competitors an even advantage in weapons and cover.

Foetem: There's an extra weapon pad on the platform above the east exit.

Kyd: Can you ensare him in your body? I don't want to risk destroying another power-up… again.

Foetem: Only if you get my eye back.

**Foetem Slithers off, Captures the Virus. It squirms in Foetem's Body, unable to escape.**

**Kyd "Super Jumps" to the ceiling and retrieves Foetems Eye.**

Foetem: Got him!

Virus: MOOP! MOOP! MOOP! MOOP! MAAAAARP!

Kyd: Foetem, if you would be so kind to expose the head buddy?

**Foetem reveals the head of the virus**

**Kyd Stabs it as it breaks down into data. It leaves behind a black block, floating in Foetems body**

Virus: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo-

Kyd: Alright, lets make our way to the exit and get paid.

[[Control Room]]
Sammy: So, did you boys take care of the problem?

**Kyd recovers the black block from Foetems body**

Kyd: We did, though we may have caused some damage to one or two of the weapons acquiring this thing.

Sammy: ….Wait, what? How?!

Kyd: I don't know, I shot the missile launcher by accident, thinking it was the virus, but it just made a hole in the weapon! I pulled it out to re-spawn it, but the same launcher with the hole spawned in its place!… I thought the weapons self repair!

Sammy: On a daily basis, yes. The weapons system resets and self-repairs the weapons at night.

Kyd: Oh….. Then are there any more matches today in that arena?

Sammy: There was one that was suppose to take place 5 minutes after you boys dealt with the virus….

**Chaos Reigns from behind the boys**

Contender #1: Hey! The Missile Launcher fires 3 missiles at once! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

**BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!**

Contender #2: GRENADE SPLIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!

Contender #3: THIS SHOTGUN FIRES IN MULTIPLE DIRECTIONS?! WHOOO!!!!!

Kyd: I guess they didn't notice the weapons we're damaged….

Foetem:…. No harm done right?

Sammy: I suppose not. I'll tag this job as a success and close the arena for the day when this match finishes. You boys are free.

Kyd: Thanks!

[[Minus City – Streets]]

Foetem: That was a little hectic. We lucked out at the end though.

Kyd: Yep.

Foetem: So, want to take another virus job tomorrow?

Kyd: I don't think that's a good idea.

Foetem: We could go find a temp job to fight in the arena for a while.

Kyd: Our Life Insurance policy doesn't re-spawn us with a full inventory during arena fights. We would have to go back to our bodies to get our things.

Foetem: Well, we could look up a temp job with the police as boun-

Kyd: No.

**Foetem continues on with Dialog based of fighting viruses as the conversation trails off**

 

[Bay]

Oh, so all the actions are also for the storyboards? I admit I don't know too much about storyboarding since I don't do traditional/digital/pixel art, heh. Either way, I do think your script would benefit from some of those actions from your first draft added as I can at least try to provide some feedback if some actions make sense. Otherwise, I would be confused if something happened between point a and point b.

 

[Quto]

Oh, so all the actions are also for the storyboards? I admit I don't know too much about storyboarding since I don't do traditional/digital/pixel art, heh. Either way, I do think your script would benefit from some of those actions from your first draft added as I can at least try to provide some feedback if some actions make sense. Otherwise, I would be confused if something happened between point a and point b.

Tis fine, I'll leave the actions in there for my future drafts.

As for storyboarding, the actions in the script are removed so the voice actors just focus on their lines as they watch the animation and try to line it up. At some point today when I post this, I'll update the first post's 2nd Draft to a 3rd where I'll add the actions and do some Grammar Work.