Certainly, Pokemon!

[Ris]

Chapter 1.
Ariel jumped out of her bed. She was a short 14 year old, and always seemed to be on the move. She ran downstairs, and yelled to her Mom. "Mom! Today's the day! I get to get my first Pokemon!" Her Mom said back, "Wait wait, honey. Don't be so anxious. Certainly Pokemon can be important, but don't go crazy!" by then Ariel was out the door. Mom had an Eevee, and it always seemed to love her. Ariel ran her friend Lucas' house. "Lucas! We get our Pokemon today!" A tired Lucas sat up. "Ugh, ok. I'll meet you at the Professor's in a minute or two. Don't feel good today." Ariel said, "Ok! See you there!" and she ran out. Ariel hopped in the Research Facility, seeing many workers on some strange machines. Ariel saw Professor Rowan. "Hey!" she said to him. "Eh? Oh! It's you, Ariel! I bet you're here for your Pokemon?" he said. Ariel nodded. "Well then, follow me!" Ariel followed Prof. Rowan to a table, with three little balls on it. "These Pokemon have been just-hatched. They should be a good addition for whatever you choose." Right then Lucas walked in. "Hey dad, so, I see the pokemon." Professor nodded and told them the species. "This first one is Abra. It's a male, and it's psychic type. It's last form, Alakazam should be helpful in Special stats." he said. Right now Ariel was bursting in happiness. "This second one is Oddish. It's a simple Grass/Poison type for the cute soul. It evolves into the Ugly Gloom, but perhaps don't panic. Gloom has two other evolutions! Vileplume, and Bellosom. Bellosom's pretty, too." Ariel ran around in circles. "And this last one, Vulpix. It's last form, Ninetales has little known about it. It's a cute fire type, however how to evolve it is unknown." Professor Rowan opened them all and the Pokemon ran around them. "So dad, who gets to choose first?" asked Lucas. "Well, ahem. Others first, so Ariel. Which do you want?" Rowan asked. "Well, they're all so great... But I seem to like Vulpix the mos-" Rowan handed her the Vulpix. "I know. It's a she, and she's a newborn. This Vulpix was born a week ago, handle her with care!" Lucas hesitated. "Very well, I'll take the Abra." Rowan gave him the Abra. "This HE is a month old. Knows Teleport and Hidden Power. And your Vulpix seems to know Ember and Tail Whip. Also! I want you both to have something else, too!" Rowan walked to his desk and picked up two little devices. He came back. "What are those?" asked Ariel. "PokeDexes. They take a record of any Pokemon you have caught or seen." See you guys later!


Chapter 2:

 

[icomeanon6]

Here is some of the most important advice you will ever hear: Start a new paragraph when you have speech, and put a space between your paragraphs. The big wall of text you have right now is practically illegible.

Now for some advice specific to your story. I think there's a contradiction that comes from the following sentence:

"These Pokemon have been just-hatched,"

Later Rowan says that the Abra is a month old and that the Vulpix is a week old.

There are plenty of basic grammar mistakes, too.

"Knows Teleport and Hidden Power."

That isn't a sentence, there's no subject in it.

"He knows Teleport and Hidden Power."

I also noticed an instance where you capitalized an adjective.

"It evolves into the ugly Gloom,"

There are probably some others in there, so look carefully. The best way to learn how to write with good grammar is to find your own common mistakes and remember them.

 

[Ryuzaki_Lawliet]

Yeah.. and please, please put a new paragraph everytime someone else is speaking. I'll use part of your story as an example, if I can..

Ariel jumped out of her bed. She was a short 14 year old, and always seemed to be on the move. She ran downstairs, and yelled to her Mom. "Mom! Today's the day! I get to get my first Pokemon!"

Her Mom said back, "Wait wait, honey. Don't be so anxious. Certainly Pokemon can be important, but don't go crazy!"

~Like that.~

 

[Ris]

Here is some of the most important advice you will ever hear: Start a new paragraph when you have speech, and put a space between your paragraphs. The big wall of text you have right now is practically illegible.

Now for some advice specific to your story. I think there's a contradiction that comes from the following sentence: Later Rowan says that the Abra is a month old and that the Vulpix is a week old.

There are plenty of basic grammar mistakes, too. That isn't a sentence, there's no subject in it. I also noticed an instance where you capitalized an adjective. There are probably some others in there, so look carefully. The best way to learn how to write with good grammar is to find your own common mistakes and remember them.

Some notes. A month is Nearly hatched. Do you call a month old baby a newborn?

I think you're too critisizing. Nope, I don't care if you're here to "help".

And Oh my god, capitilizing an ADJECTIVE? Oh no it's the END OF THE WORLD!
You have to point out EVERY mistake?

Yeah.. and please, please put a new paragraph everytime someone else is speaking. I'll use part of your story as an example, if I can..

Ariel jumped out of her bed. She was a short 14 year old, and always seemed to be on the move. She ran downstairs, and yelled to her Mom. "Mom! Today's the day! I get to get my first Pokemon!"

Her Mom said back, "Wait wait, honey. Don't be so anxious. Certainly Pokemon can be important, but don't go crazy!"

~Like that.~

Thanks, at least you didn't seize my dignity.

I didn't know what "start a new paragraph at every talking sentence" meant.

=)

 

[ProtrainerEon]

If you thought THAT was too criticizing, you're in for it here.

They just wanted to point out that it isn't easy to read something with the sentences all bunched up.

For instance, when you're reading a book, are the words all together or on different lines? That's all that was meant by what they said.

I, as a writer, have taken offense at responses at times too. Well, this time, your reviewer didn't actually say anything in a mean way, they were just frank. Well...I guess the thing about the illegible wall of text was a little mean. Other than that, it wasn't very negative.

I understand if you disagree before you go off on me like you did them.

It seems that the review was intended to help, not anger you, but I wouldn't know seeing as I'm not the one who wrote it. Hopefully the intentions were not to "cut down", but to "improve".

And about the capitalized adjective, sometimes italics works just as well. Even if you don't mean it, at times readers assume that the capitalization is for yelling or strong emotion. Try to make your reason for capitalizing obvious.

For example:

The girl was shocked. "That Pokemon spoke...how WEIRD is that?"

Take a look at this (just an example). She isn't actually yelling, but it looks like it, right?

Here's a better version:

The girl was shocked. She was amazed at the fact that there was a Pokemon capable of speaking English. "How weird is that? This Pokemon is pretty cool..."

If you don't like the example, ask for a better one from one of us reading this story. You'll most likely get one.

 

[icomeanon6]

Some notes. A month is Nearly hatched. Do you call a month old baby a newborn?

I think you're too critisizing. Nope, I don't care if you're here to "help".

And Oh my god, capitilizing an ADJECTIVE? Oh no it's the END OF THE WORLD!
You have to point out EVERY mistake?

...

Thanks, at least you didn't seize my dignity.

I didn't know what "start a new paragraph at every talking sentence" meant.

=)

1) You didn't write "nearly hatched," you wrote "just hatched," which would imply that the Pokemon had only been out of its egg for a few minutes or hours.

2) I did not point out every mistake. If I had, my post would have been much longer.

3) I did not write "start a new paragraph at every talking sentence," I wrote "Start a new paragraph when you have speech." When you criticize someone for their wording, make sure that you actually copy it correctly.

It seems to me that you consider basic grammar to be of very little importance. Here are two amusing sentences that show the importance of using commas correctly:

A panda eats shoots and leaves.
A panda eats, shoots, and leaves.

And about the capitalized adjective, sometimes italics works just as well. Even if you don't mean it, at times readers assume that the capitalization is for yelling or strong emotion. Try to make your reason for capitalizing obvious.

I think there's a slight misunderstanding, I was pointing out how she wrote this: "It evolves into the Ugly Gloom." It isn't a case of capitalizing all the letters of a word for emphasis, but rather one of making an adjective look like it's part of the name.

 

[ProtrainerEon]

Oh, ok. That 'Ugly' really did throw me off while I was reading. I also thought it was amusing that this word was used to describe Gloom.

 

[Astinus]

Nope, I don't care if you're here to "help".

And Oh my god, capitilizing an ADJECTIVE? Oh no it's the END OF THE WORLD!
You have to point out EVERY mistake?

You murdered your fic with those sentences. icomeanon6 was trying to help you, and helping you means pointing out your basic mistakes to, you know, allow you to improve.

But you just stick your little fingers in your ears and call him rude. I've seen harsher reviewers. I am a harsher review. Would you like me to review your fic? Fine.

Paragraphs. I'm not about to sit here and read a fic written by someone who doesn't know how to make a paragraph. And guess what? I, and others, told you this with your other fic. But you still didn't make them there. And in the space of time between the other fic and this one, you still didn't learn how to make a paragraph and when? I'm guessing that means that they don't force children to read books in school anymore, and just stick you in front of the self-esteem boosting computer to sing you pretty songs.

Books. Read them if you want to write. Other fics work as well.

Reviews. Accept them if you're posting your work online where other people can see it. And the majority of people aren't going to praise your name to the sky for writing a block of text. If someone points out a typo that you made on your fic, then you don't yell at them because you don't care. You're killing the English language with your bad posts, and making me want to smack you soundly with a dictionary and a grammar book.

Some notes. A month is Nearly hatched. Do you call a month old baby a newborn?

You said "just-hatched" in your own fic. icomeanon6 has reading comprehension skills, so he knew that there was some problem when you called a month-old Abra "just hatched".

And I'm not going to review your "chapter", because you'll just cry "omg so mean!!1" and ignore me. So I'm going to close this before you even get the chance.

Next attempt you make at writing a fic, there had better be some sort of improvement in basic grammar skills. There's guides online to learn it, and those oh-so-scary things called "books" to read that could help you out.