bobandbill
one more time
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- Seen yesterday
Draft done! Needs a cover image - it could be the default screenshots, but open to other suggestions that may be more interesting. Needs to make it clear who the coffee guy is though within it. I'll also add in an image after dinner within the text, but this draft is otherwise done.
Title: Coffee Guy Rants – Having to Work Again
Cover image: ???
Excerpt: The Coffee Guy shares his rant about needing to work again in the re-release of the Pokemon Red, Blue and Yellow games.
You darn kids, you just all had to go and buy Pokémon Red and Blue and Yellow, didn't you? What is it with you guys and your love for Kanto? I thought you guys were finally – FINALLY – tired of running through here when you didn't come to visit in the fifth generation games. And were we pleased about that! We could take a break, enjoy our drinks and not have to worry about being bothered.
But you've come back all of a sudden. I don't get it – you've been here four times already! Why didn't you just stay over in Hoenn – you've only been there twice! I eventually heard it was apparently because of some 20th anniversary. Big whoop! Nobody really cares about a round number! You never cared about Pokémon's 19th birthday after all, did you? But no, suddenly it's another decade and everyone gets to pretend to care that they love the first games, even if some of you players aren't even twenty years old! It makes me sick, the way The Pokémon Company made us work just because of their party.
You may think it's a game, but it's not for all of us NPCs! Consider little old me, for starters. You ought to because I'm the most important guy in Viridian City. Do you know how uncomfortable that ground is? Because every time one of you play the game from the beginning, I have to go lie in the middle to stop you from going further than you're meant to! I don't even get to stand normally – I have to lie down like this!
It's really quite uncomfortable!
And that's not all. Soon enough you annoying protagonists come back and bug me about how to catch a Pokémon while I have to pretend to be happy! It's really hard, you know. And I don't get a say in it – if you want to learn how to catch a Pokémon, I have to magically find a Weedle lying around town. That's another reason why it's so uncomfortable to lie around here: the stupid Weedle! That horn of theirs is sharp as heck. Imagine if you went to lie down and found that wedged into your back! And I never can catch the darn thing either. That thing doesn't have a high catch rate from my experience!
I don't even get a television this time around! I don't know why Game Freak took that away from me – they were all for the oldest version of Kanto when they came around to order us about. It was useful. In Pokémon FireRed and LeafGreen, I could throw it at the players and they'd never bug me again for help! But in these original versions, there's always some smart-arse Champion who comes back and asks me to teach them about catching Pokémon again, before flying due south. I never understood why you guys do it, but it's a really douche move in my opinion!
And don't just take my word for it – it's annoying for everyone! That nurse in the Pokémon Centre really doesn't hope to see you again, I can assure you of that. Think of the poor Bug Catchers in Viridian Forest – half of them are lost as well, and they give their money to you for burning their Pokémon! The Safari Zone warden also doesn't escape; he has to go and lose his teeth again! He doesn't do that for fun, you know, and he has to wait until you get all the way to Fuchsia City for you to find them!
He's not saying anything nice about your dilly-dallying.
Then there's Team Rocket. Sure, you love to hate them, but do you think they love to be beaten up by you yet again? The poor Team Rocket Grunts. Most of them only have Zubat and Rattata. Do you think they'd have chosen to have those Pokémon? And what about the leader, Giovanni? He went into hiding just to get away from being beaten up three times by you! Three! But here he is again, having started up the whole organisation again and waiting for you, some ten-year-old character, to show up and beat him up so he can go and disappear. Again. It's really quite demoralising for the poor guy. I've shared a drink with him and he's really upset about it.
There's really only one bit of solace I take from it, and that you're coming back to the first generation games. You don't get any running shoes this time, so you get to inch across the first few parts, one slow step at a time. And you have to go through the whole of Mt. Moon at that pace! 'Oh boy, this is a fun cave', said no one ever. You get to experience the fun game mechanics again, like Bind stopping you from moving ever again, and taking a whole turn to just wake up from the Sleep status. And I'm sure you'd love the jump in difficulty happening all over the place.
And you guys playing Yellow, haha, that's a good one. Professor Oak hates you guys bugging him so much that it's all he can do to take some pleasure in your lack of choice of starter Pokémon there. He really rubs that Eevee in your face before his grandson nabs it, so he can dump that stupid electric rodent in your face. Good luck fighting Brock with that thing!
Serves you right for making us work again!
…Goodness, why do you guys come back given all that? Go play some other game, and stop making me fail to catch Weedle.
Title: Coffee Guy Rants – Having to Work Again
Cover image: ???
Excerpt: The Coffee Guy shares his rant about needing to work again in the re-release of the Pokemon Red, Blue and Yellow games.
You darn kids, you just all had to go and buy Pokémon Red and Blue and Yellow, didn't you? What is it with you guys and your love for Kanto? I thought you guys were finally – FINALLY – tired of running through here when you didn't come to visit in the fifth generation games. And were we pleased about that! We could take a break, enjoy our drinks and not have to worry about being bothered.
But you've come back all of a sudden. I don't get it – you've been here four times already! Why didn't you just stay over in Hoenn – you've only been there twice! I eventually heard it was apparently because of some 20th anniversary. Big whoop! Nobody really cares about a round number! You never cared about Pokémon's 19th birthday after all, did you? But no, suddenly it's another decade and everyone gets to pretend to care that they love the first games, even if some of you players aren't even twenty years old! It makes me sick, the way The Pokémon Company made us work just because of their party.
You may think it's a game, but it's not for all of us NPCs! Consider little old me, for starters. You ought to because I'm the most important guy in Viridian City. Do you know how uncomfortable that ground is? Because every time one of you play the game from the beginning, I have to go lie in the middle to stop you from going further than you're meant to! I don't even get to stand normally – I have to lie down like this!
It's really quite uncomfortable!
And that's not all. Soon enough you annoying protagonists come back and bug me about how to catch a Pokémon while I have to pretend to be happy! It's really hard, you know. And I don't get a say in it – if you want to learn how to catch a Pokémon, I have to magically find a Weedle lying around town. That's another reason why it's so uncomfortable to lie around here: the stupid Weedle! That horn of theirs is sharp as heck. Imagine if you went to lie down and found that wedged into your back! And I never can catch the darn thing either. That thing doesn't have a high catch rate from my experience!
I don't even get a television this time around! I don't know why Game Freak took that away from me – they were all for the oldest version of Kanto when they came around to order us about. It was useful. In Pokémon FireRed and LeafGreen, I could throw it at the players and they'd never bug me again for help! But in these original versions, there's always some smart-arse Champion who comes back and asks me to teach them about catching Pokémon again, before flying due south. I never understood why you guys do it, but it's a really douche move in my opinion!
And don't just take my word for it – it's annoying for everyone! That nurse in the Pokémon Centre really doesn't hope to see you again, I can assure you of that. Think of the poor Bug Catchers in Viridian Forest – half of them are lost as well, and they give their money to you for burning their Pokémon! The Safari Zone warden also doesn't escape; he has to go and lose his teeth again! He doesn't do that for fun, you know, and he has to wait until you get all the way to Fuchsia City for you to find them!
He's not saying anything nice about your dilly-dallying.
Then there's Team Rocket. Sure, you love to hate them, but do you think they love to be beaten up by you yet again? The poor Team Rocket Grunts. Most of them only have Zubat and Rattata. Do you think they'd have chosen to have those Pokémon? And what about the leader, Giovanni? He went into hiding just to get away from being beaten up three times by you! Three! But here he is again, having started up the whole organisation again and waiting for you, some ten-year-old character, to show up and beat him up so he can go and disappear. Again. It's really quite demoralising for the poor guy. I've shared a drink with him and he's really upset about it.
There's really only one bit of solace I take from it, and that you're coming back to the first generation games. You don't get any running shoes this time, so you get to inch across the first few parts, one slow step at a time. And you have to go through the whole of Mt. Moon at that pace! 'Oh boy, this is a fun cave', said no one ever. You get to experience the fun game mechanics again, like Bind stopping you from moving ever again, and taking a whole turn to just wake up from the Sleep status. And I'm sure you'd love the jump in difficulty happening all over the place.
And you guys playing Yellow, haha, that's a good one. Professor Oak hates you guys bugging him so much that it's all he can do to take some pleasure in your lack of choice of starter Pokémon there. He really rubs that Eevee in your face before his grandson nabs it, so he can dump that stupid electric rodent in your face. Good luck fighting Brock with that thing!
Serves you right for making us work again!
…Goodness, why do you guys come back given all that? Go play some other game, and stop making me fail to catch Weedle.
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