DA JOKE THREAD

[AuraAshley]

dont mean to offend with this one

whats the difference between a pizza and a jew? one doesnt scream when it goes in the oven

 

[True Reign]

Paint Job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

And:

You've Got Mail
A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box.

She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that.

The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail".

 

[lolwut]

Lol. The mail one was kinda funny ^

 

[Mitchman]

I hope this is a good one, this is sexual as well.

A large built-up all muscular guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they go back to his place. As they make out in the bedroom, he gets up and starts to undress. After he takes off his shirt, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "Do you see that baby, that's 1,000 pounds of dynamite." After that, she begins to drool.

The man starts to take off his pants and strikes a bodybuilder's pose, looks at his bulging thighs, "Do you see that baby, that's 1,000 pounds of dynomite." After that, she begging for sex. Finally, he drops his boxers and after a quick glance she grabs her purse and runs away to the door.

He catches her before she leaves outside of the house and asks, "Why are you in a hurry to leave?" She replies, "2,000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid that you were about to blow."

XD XD XD XD Short Fuse. 2000 pounds of dynamite. Best joke yet.
Anyway what sparkles in the sunlight and has sharp teeth? A gay vampire!

 

[Suki]

I hope this is a good one, this is sexual as well.

A large built-up all muscular guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they go back to his place. As they make out in the bedroom, he gets up and starts to undress. After he takes off his shirt, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "Do you see that baby, that's 1,000 pounds of dynamite." After that, she begins to drool.

The man starts to take off his pants and strikes a bodybuilder's pose, looks at his bulging thighs, "Do you see that baby, that's 1,000 pounds of dynomite." After that, she begging for sex. Finally, he drops his boxers and after a quick glance she grabs her purse and runs away to the door.

He catches her before she leaves outside of the house and asks, "Why are you in a hurry to leave?" She replies, "2,000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid that you were about to blow."

Ahaha, that was quite funny xD;

And that vampire one.. was lol XD

 

[Spinor]

lol
You didn't make that up.
https://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/funniest-jokes.html

I SWEAR TO DRUNK I WASN'T GOD ;_;

I meant as in the PC member add ins. Of course I didn't make those up -_-

...Lol, I feel like doing Twilight jokes

What would happen if a vampire met Chuck Norris?

Spoiler:

The vampire would be roundhoused

What would happen if Chuck Norris met a vampire?

Spoiler:

Vampire would still be roundhoused

What would Chuck Norris say if he could kill the Vampire in one blow?

Spoiler:

Bye Edward.

 

[I Laugh at your Misfortune!]

Blonde joke :D

Spoiler:

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. After a few years, They're in debt. In order to keep the ranch, they need to buy a bull to breed.
The brunette takes their last $600 to go and buy a bull. She tells her sister, "When I get there, if I buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out and haul it home".
The brunette arrives. The man says he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she wants to send her sister a telegram. The telegraph operator explains, "It's just 99 cents a word".
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realises she can only send her sister one word. After thinking, she nods, and says, "I want to send her the word 'comfortable'".
The man shook his head. "How is she ever going to know you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explained, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slowly."

And a farmyard joke :P

Spoiler:

A man and his wife are at a cattle ranch and all the bulls are being auctioned off. The auctioneer brings out the first bull and calls out:
"This bull sired 36 calves last year." The wife turns to her husband.
"That's three times a month - a bit more than you!" Thee auctioneer brings out the next bull and says:
"This bull sired 156 calves last year." Once more, the woman takes a jab at her husband.
"Three times a week - much more than you!" The next bull is led out and the auctioneer calls:
"This bull sired 730 calves last year." The woman gasps.
"TWICE A DAY? That's so much more than you that it defies description." The man is getting quite irritated by this point and turns to his wife.
"Maybe," he replies snarkily, "But I bet it wasn't all with the same cow."

One more, which is slightly more un-PC than the last one :D

Spoiler:

A man and his wife are in church and this man has a reputation for falling asleep during sermons, so his wife has brought a large hat pin to jab him with. As it happens, the minister has decided to liven up the service today, so he starts by shouting,
"Who created the heavens and the Earth?" The man is beginning to drop off, so his wife jabs him and he sits bolt upright and shouts out:
"MY GOD!" the preacher is a bit taken aback, but continues as planned.
"And who died to forgive all of our sins?" The man is snoozing again already, so his wife pokes him and he yells in pain:
"JESUS CHRIST!" The minister is getting pretty annoyed by now, so he asks something a bit more...abstract.
"What did Eve say to Adam the second time she got pregnant?" he asked, eliciting some blank looks from the congregation. The man is about to start snoring, so his Wife stabs him hard enough to draw blood and he screams out:
"I swear if you touch me with that thing one more time I'm going to break it in half!"

 

[starlightartist]

Ok, Not Reeealy Approriate But Anyway...

Spoiler:

A Boy Is In Bed With His Parents, And They Are Having Sex,
The Boy Feels Around And Touches His Dads ***** And Asks"What's That Dad?"The Dad Replies"It's A Limozine"Then He Feels His Mums******And Asks "What's That Mum?"The Mum Replies"It's A Garage"Butting In, The Dad Says"The Limo Needs To Go To The Garage For Repairs!"The Mum Blushes And The Boy Says"Tough Luck, My Mini's Already There"

Not Funny, I Know

 

[Suki]

Ok, Not Reeealy Approriate But Anyway...

Spoiler:

A Boy Is In Bed With His Parents, And They Are Having Sex,
The Boy Feels Around And Touches His Dads ***** And Asks"What's That Dad?"The Dad Replies"It's A Limozine"Then He Feels His Mums******And Asks "What's That Mum?"The Mum Replies"It's A Garage"Butting In, The Dad Says"The Limo Needs To Go To The Garage For Repairs!"The Mum Blushes And The Boy Says"Tough Luck, My Mini's Already There"

Not Funny, I Know

That's a lil funny because it's so EWWW D:

 

[starlightartist]

My Friend Made It Up.

Wait... Is That...I Yhink...Yes!
Another One!
Why, After The Nuclear Exlplosion, Why Did The Cockroach Cross The Road?

Spoiler:

Cuz Everything Else Had Died Out.

 

[AuraAshley]

another jewish joke (no offense to any jewish ppl here)

whats the difference between boyscouts and jews? boyscouts come back from their camp

 

[Chesu]

What's big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and could kill you if you knock it out of a tree?

Spoiler:

...A pool table!

 

[Trap-Eds]

Oh man, you people are hilarious. xD xD

Here's one one of my teachers told me.
A teacher writes on the board: "African Elephant" and asks her class what it says. A girl cries, "A freakin' elephant!!"

xD That's all I got; I prefer listening or reading jokes than actually telling them.

 

[bit.trip void]

Please take no offense, aboriginal's.

Whats the difference between an Aboriginal and a park bench? The park bench can support a family.

 

[ReddishDegree]

ok i think this one is funny

One day there was a new student in school, so the teacher asked for his name so he said "Butt Itches". After that she sent him to the princeable's office. When he got there the princeable said "Whats your name sweetie?" He says "Butt Itches". After that she sent him to walk home. On the way there he got hit by a car and his mom comes running up the street saying "OH MY POOR BUTT ITCHES!!" then everybody that was near the boy said "THAN SCRATCH IT!!!".

 

[Frequency]

Wow.....just wow.

A farmer in West Virginia and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.

He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"


She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."


He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.


About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell."

 

[Damiano]

A smart blond, a brunette and santa clause are walking down the street when they see some money on the floor. Who picks it up?

The brunette because a smart blond and santa claus doesnt exist

Not funny just something i heard the other day

 

[ReddishDegree]

to do this you must all of the instuctions
get a pice of paper

1.write your name at the top left corner
2.put a star under your name
3.make a stick fig on the top
4.rip up your paper
5.stand up and say "YAY im on number 5!!"
6.dance in circles
7.do the robot
8.keep doing the robot
9.stop
10.only do number 1

if you did this right you only put your name at the top left corner

 

[Saltare.]

This is sort of a like, inside thingy:

How do you spell Mississippi?

"M-i-crooked letter-crooked letter-i-crooked letter-crooked letter-i-hump letter-hump letter-i"

s= crooked letter
p= hump letter

My friend texted me one night asking what "idk" meant. I replied back "i don't know." A couple minutes later she said "Gosh! no one knows!"

Did you know Hellen Keller had a dog?
"no"
Neither did she.

 

[Kazukii]

Why did the orange roll down the hill?

Spoiler:

Because it wanted too

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Spoiler:

to get to the other side