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DA JOKE THREAD

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sabapple

Fly High☆
  • 222
    Posts
    15
    Years
    Okay, this joke is pretty lame but oh well.

    This lady walks into a library and goes up to the librarian and says: Can I have a big mac and some french fries?
    The librarian says: Shhhh! Don't you know this is a library?
    Then the lady whispers: Oh sorry, can I have a big mac and some french fries?
     

    Saltare.

    Brain bangin'
  • 2,430
    Posts
    16
    Years
    A blonde walks into an applience store. She walks up to the counter. "I'd like to buy that TV." The clerk replies "I can't sell it to you." The blonde walks out and comes back wearing a brunette wig. "I'd like to buy that TV." Again, the clerk replies "I can't sell it to you." Angry, the blonde goes and dyes her hair red then comes back. "I'd like to buy that TV." Once again, the clerk replies "I can't sell it to you." "Why not?" She asks. "Cause that's a microwave."


    Yeah...lame.
     

    幕之内 一歩

    <b><font color=
  • 288
    Posts
    15
    Years
    Here's a few jokes for ya guys.

    When is a car not a car?
    Spoiler:


    Why did the belt get locked up?
    Spoiler:


    This one is a little racy.
    Spoiler:


    This one is just plain funny in my opinion.
    Spoiler:
     

    Sarcastic Prince

    Starting anew...
  • 3,003
    Posts
    16
    Years
    2 Men Invade your House. One of them is wearing a Green Suit and the other one is Wearing a Red Suit. You have a Gun, and 2 Dynamites. The Gun is useless. The man who has the Green Suit can be killed with 1 Dynamite while the man who has the Red Suit can be killed with 2 Dynamites. How do you kill both of them with your limited weapons?

    BTW, this joke is originally in Chinese.
    I won't give out the answer yet, until tomorrow afternoon.
    Spoiler:
     

    Zero°

    Mirai Nikki
  • 1,293
    Posts
    15
    Years
    OK, blonde joke time! (No offense)

    OK, a blonde walks into a store and asks the guy that works there, " Do you have any curtains for computers?" The guy looks at her and asks, "Why does your computer need any curtains?" The Blonde replies, "Because my computer is WINDOWS"
     

    Mitchman

    Banned
  • 7,485
    Posts
    16
    Years
    What 6 pages and no one mentioned this joke?
    Three tomatoes are walking down the street- a papa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, Ketchup.
     

    Zero°

    Mirai Nikki
  • 1,293
    Posts
    15
    Years
    Here's another one my friend told me:
    How do you make holywater?
    You burn the hell out of it.
     

    Nyu~♥!

    Pokémon Opal Producer
  • 478
    Posts
    14
    Years
    okay, this is a really nerdy one...

    A proton walks into a bar. There's a neutron sitting there.
    The neutron says, "what are you?" to the proton.
    The proton says,"A proton."
    The neutron says,"are you sure?"
    The proton says,"I'm positive!"

    hehe, get it? heh...

    Yeah, my sister's science teacher told that joke...
     

    ReddishDegree

    Yes, I'm Insane.
  • 75
    Posts
    14
    Years
    this is a joke don't take it personaly!
    ______________________________________

    I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......*

    * she called me to get my phone number.

    * she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

    * she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

    *she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

    *she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

    *she tried to drown a fish.

    *she thought a quarterback was a refund.

    *she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

    *she tripped over a cordless phone.

    *she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

    *she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

    *she studied for a blood test.

    *she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

    *when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

    *when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

    *when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
     

    Barney.

  • 2,485
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Age 29
    • Seen Jul 30, 2015
    I don't care if these have been said..I'm saying them now.

    Why doesn't santa have any children?
    Because he only comes once a year.

    A mother and here 3 children are sitting in a resteraunt,
    The first child asks: Mum, why is my name Rose?
    Mum says: Because when you were younger, a rose fell on your head.
    The second child asks: Mum, why am I called Petal?
    Mum says: Because when you were younger, a petal fell on your head.
    Then from the corner they here: ummfgggummmffmm uhh uhmmf?
    Mum says: Shut up Fridge.
     

    ReddishDegree

    Yes, I'm Insane.
  • 75
    Posts
    14
    Years
    LOL my friend told me that one
    ______________

    It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out - so she kept putting money in.

    And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"

    And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"
     

    Suki

    I'm gonna make it.
  • 2,108
    Posts
    18
    Years
    • Seen Oct 16, 2019
    I don't care if these have been said..I'm saying them now.

    Why doesn't santa have any children?
    Because he only comes once a year.

    A mother and here 3 children are sitting in a resteraunt,
    The first child asks: Mum, why is my name Rose?
    Mum says: Because when you were younger, a rose fell on your head.
    The second child asks: Mum, why am I called Petal?
    Mum says: Because when you were younger, a petal fell on your head.
    Then from the corner they here: ummfgggummmffmm uhh uhmmf?
    Mum says: Shut up Fridge.

    omg these are so funny lmao XDDD made me lol, ahh needed that x]

    Oh and all of them are funny too btw - I just can't quote them all Dx
     
    Last edited:

    Xairmo

    G-String Grandmas, tonight on Sick, Sad World
  • 2,644
    Posts
    17
    Years
    What 6 pages and no one mentioned this joke?
    Three tomatoes are walking down the street- a papa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, Ketchup.

    Somewhere, Henry John Heinz is rolling over in his grave.

    Batman walked into a bar. He said "Ow." [/JokeFail]
     

    . R e ð e m p † i o n

    •You got a piece of meh!•
  • 98
    Posts
    15
    Years
    Humor kills.

    What is the single most favorite dance of computers?

    Disc-o


    What do microchips use as pillows?

    Microsoft

    What washes up on extremely minute beaches?

    Microwaves


    [Suckish]
     

    I Laugh at your Misfortune!

    Normal is a synonym for boring
  • 2,626
    Posts
    15
    Years
    Yo moma jokes :D

    Yo moma's so fat her belly button has an echo

    Yo moma's so fat her blood type is gravy

    Yo moma's so fat that her cereal bowl needs a life guard

    Yo moma's so hairy, big foot took a picture of her

    Yo moma's so ugly that when she tried to enter an ugly contest, they said "sorry, no professionals"
     

    Seadiga

    Art is a bang, hm!
  • 351
    Posts
    15
    Years
    I got these off someone's profile on fanfiction.net.


    On a Sears hairdryer:
    Do not use while sleeping. (that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
    On a bag of Fritos!
    ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
    On a bar of Dial soap:
    "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)
    On some Swanson frozen dinners:
    "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
    On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
    "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
    On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
    "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)
    On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
    "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
    On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
    "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
    On Nytol Sleep Aid:
    "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...)
    On most brands of Christmas lights:
    "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
    On a Japanese food processor:
    "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
    On Sunsbury's peanuts:
    "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news fl ash)
    On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
    "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
    On a child's superman costume:
    "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
    On a Swedish chainsaw:
    "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
    On T-Rat (Military food):
    Its not for Human Consumption, Animals and Military Use only... (Umnn yeah... isn't military also human)
     

    Anxiety.

    Walking on sunshine.
  • 1,670
    Posts
    16
    Years
    What are the best 10 years of a blonds life?

    Spoiler:

    -------------------------------------------------
    One day three guys were driving in the middle of nowhere when their car broke down.
    They got out and looked around at their surroundings.
    Finally, the first guy says, "I'm gonna go look for some food."
    The other two guys say, "Why?".
    "So we can eat of course." says the first guy.
    Once the first guy comes back the second guy says, "I'm going to go get some water".
    "Why" asked the other two.
    "So we can drink it if we get thirsty of course".
    Once the second guy gets back the third guy goes and tears off the car door.
    "Whats that for?" asked the other two.
    "In case we get hot we can roll down the window." </oldjoke>
    ---------------------------------------------------
    A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blond female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
    A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
    As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
    Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
    To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, you've got mail."
    ----------------------------------------------------
    Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
    Woman: Oh, I see.
    Officer: Can I see your license please?
    Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
    Officer: Don't have one?
    Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
    Woman: I can't do that.
    Officer: Why not?
    Woman: I stole this car.
    Officer: Stole it?
    Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
    Officer: You what?
    Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
    to see.

    The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
    calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
    officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

    The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Woman: Is there a problem sir?
    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
    car and murdered the owner.
    Woman: Murdered the owner?
    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
    please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
    Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

    The first officer is stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
    license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
    hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
    examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
    have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
    up the owner.
    Woman: Betcha the liar told you I was speeding too.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------

    Old jokes are old.

    I bet these have all been posted already, but I'm not going to search through all the pages.
     

    Vigilante

    Ringleader of Hell
  • 319
    Posts
    14
    Years
    • Seen Dec 26, 2009
    The Bear and the Rabbit
    Spoiler:


    The Panda
    Spoiler:
     

    Xairmo

    G-String Grandmas, tonight on Sick, Sad World
  • 2,644
    Posts
    17
    Years
    On a yogurt maker, under warning and safety, it says:
    "Do not use while under the influence of alcohol or other controlled substances."
    Ma'am, do you know how fast you were making yogurt back there?
     
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