Universe
all-consuming
- 2,237
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- Seen Nov 17, 2016
This is probably a little unconventional but I've been on this site a while and quit moderation/PC without really saying anything.. so I hope it's fine if I drop my delayed goodbye where I used to 'live'. It wouldn't feel right somewhere else but if you wanna move it or close it, go for it. I'm not gonna log back in after I make this post so it won't really matter lol. Letting this thread drown from its eventual inactivity into the depths of Treehouse would make me happy though.
Pokecommunity has given me feelings throughout my life that I wish to express, because I've been here on and off for 11 years. Might be a little weird if I never return without saying something to close this lengthy chapter. First before anything else, thank you PC- for the opportunity I dorkily dreamed about as a younger me: being a mod at this place. Though there were a few ups and downs to the whole 'job', that was to be expected right? This forum is.. pretty wild sometimes. Being here was something I really enjoyed for a good while but as the years went by, mental illness and trauma ruined aspects of myself, my health, and relationships. My experiences with being alive in general got significantly more depressing and harder to cope with. Dealing with a lot of adult-level incidents as a minor for years with much drama afterward will take its toll on a young adult. It's been very hard for me to maintain stability at any prolonged point in my online or real life... until after I left suddenly a while back.
Quitting wasn't entirely what made my life get better.. its just.. through the portions of happiness Pokecommunity has given me, I've also been disrespected and hurt enough for it to matter while being here. Those instances really added up on my overall stress levels after a while. A lot of those moments have stuck with me and they progressively made the forums toxic. No place that you go to for happiness should give you anxiety or make you feel bitter, uncomfortable, and sometimes uncared about. Those things are probably mostly my fault though.. leaving ended up bringing some healing and rest that was desperately needed. Communities like this one tend to cause extra problems for neurodivergent people I guess. Having mostly solitude from online communities and many friendships has made it much easier to regain control over my life and myself. Afterall if you're not really involved with many people, drama and bad encounters become rare. Things have been really peaceful ever since I started detaching myself from everything...
A part of me feels like I have put a lot into the forums and yet, I probably still didn't make the most out of my time on it. The memories people here have of me will most likely be a capricious person who dipped in and out of activity often without really bonding with anyone (except Went). I used to know and talk to so many people a while back before my illness started to become noticeably bad.. now it feels kinda like I never existed. Not that I'm blaming anyone for that. There's a lot I probably could have done on PC if I wasn't an unhealthy sack of traumatized goo. The latter is why I can't talk to people or talk about my problems very well, which leads to painful buildup like this that I have to force out of myself in order to get past it.
On a brighter note most aspects of my reality have improved significantly since I have been gone.. home, money, mental health, self-love, relationships, I'm dissociating a lot less.. this may be the best state of being I have ever been in. For some reason everything has been aligning as if I'm definitely meant to move on from this extensive episode. I'm gonna continue going forward now and hope everything resumes being better for me. Pokecommunity allowed me to experience so much... I have a lot to thank you all for, but on the other hand I also have a lot to be hurt over. The forums have nothing left to offer me- nothing except more stress I'm afraid to admit. Saying all this actually terrifies me, but I want you all to know my feelings before I'm truly forgotten. I'm tired of being too afraid to talk.
I'll never forget you, PC. I will always be a
at heart.
P.S. That userbar was another silly dream of mine I had for a long time that PC let me have. Thank you for that too.
Pokecommunity has given me feelings throughout my life that I wish to express, because I've been here on and off for 11 years. Might be a little weird if I never return without saying something to close this lengthy chapter. First before anything else, thank you PC- for the opportunity I dorkily dreamed about as a younger me: being a mod at this place. Though there were a few ups and downs to the whole 'job', that was to be expected right? This forum is.. pretty wild sometimes. Being here was something I really enjoyed for a good while but as the years went by, mental illness and trauma ruined aspects of myself, my health, and relationships. My experiences with being alive in general got significantly more depressing and harder to cope with. Dealing with a lot of adult-level incidents as a minor for years with much drama afterward will take its toll on a young adult. It's been very hard for me to maintain stability at any prolonged point in my online or real life... until after I left suddenly a while back.
Quitting wasn't entirely what made my life get better.. its just.. through the portions of happiness Pokecommunity has given me, I've also been disrespected and hurt enough for it to matter while being here. Those instances really added up on my overall stress levels after a while. A lot of those moments have stuck with me and they progressively made the forums toxic. No place that you go to for happiness should give you anxiety or make you feel bitter, uncomfortable, and sometimes uncared about. Those things are probably mostly my fault though.. leaving ended up bringing some healing and rest that was desperately needed. Communities like this one tend to cause extra problems for neurodivergent people I guess. Having mostly solitude from online communities and many friendships has made it much easier to regain control over my life and myself. Afterall if you're not really involved with many people, drama and bad encounters become rare. Things have been really peaceful ever since I started detaching myself from everything...
A part of me feels like I have put a lot into the forums and yet, I probably still didn't make the most out of my time on it. The memories people here have of me will most likely be a capricious person who dipped in and out of activity often without really bonding with anyone (except Went). I used to know and talk to so many people a while back before my illness started to become noticeably bad.. now it feels kinda like I never existed. Not that I'm blaming anyone for that. There's a lot I probably could have done on PC if I wasn't an unhealthy sack of traumatized goo. The latter is why I can't talk to people or talk about my problems very well, which leads to painful buildup like this that I have to force out of myself in order to get past it.
On a brighter note most aspects of my reality have improved significantly since I have been gone.. home, money, mental health, self-love, relationships, I'm dissociating a lot less.. this may be the best state of being I have ever been in. For some reason everything has been aligning as if I'm definitely meant to move on from this extensive episode. I'm gonna continue going forward now and hope everything resumes being better for me. Pokecommunity allowed me to experience so much... I have a lot to thank you all for, but on the other hand I also have a lot to be hurt over. The forums have nothing left to offer me- nothing except more stress I'm afraid to admit. Saying all this actually terrifies me, but I want you all to know my feelings before I'm truly forgotten. I'm tired of being too afraid to talk.
I'll never forget you, PC. I will always be a
P.S. That userbar was another silly dream of mine I had for a long time that PC let me have. Thank you for that too.
