Digimon Heroes (sequel to Digimon Frontier)

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Kung Fu Ferret

Kung Fu Ferret

The Unbound
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    It has been three years since Lucemon was defeated and the Digital World was restored. During those three years prior to the Legendary Warriors being gone, the Digital World went through a "Reformation Period". It changed greatly. A new evil Digimon, Yugimon (no offesne to fans of a certain anime, but his name is an inside joke, I'll explain later), was formed from the remaining fractal codes of the Seven Demon Digimon, including Lucemon. Yugimon deleted the three Angels. However, there were three Digimon called the Superior Titans, representing Ground, Sea, and Air, to replace them. Now, the ten holders of the Spirits, and six new Digidestined, who have Digimon Partners (who are usually Rookies in the Real World, but are Ultimates in the Digital World), must find the Ancient Spirit Digi-Eggs to help save the Digital AND Real Worlds. The new Digidestined have a new type of Digivice, called D-Oracles. D-Oracles can use the power of the Anceint Spirit Digi-Eggs. The power allows the human partner and Digimon to combine together, along with the egg. This is called Spirit Armor Digivolution. There also will be many explanations of past events that weren't really clear. This fanfiction will surely be epic.

    Meet the new heroes

    Riku, our gogglehead, is very brave, with a lot of energy and some anger management issues. His Digimon is Komodomon, a lizard-like Digimon, in the Digital World, but is Chiikimon, a Dragon Pixie Digimon, in the Real World. Riku's D-Oracle is Green.

    Sasuke, our youngest hero, is full of hope. His Digimon is Ospremon, a Holy Bird Digimon in the Digital World, but is Kestremon, another Bird Digimon with similar characteristics to Biyomon and Falcomon, in the Real World. Sasuke's D-Oracle is Orange.

    Jiro, our brain in the group, is the oldest, and is pretty calm most of the time. His Digimon is Orangumon, a simian Ice Digimon, in the Digital World, but is Leemon, a similar lemur-like Digimon, in the Real World. Jiro's D-Oracle is Blue.

    Musashi, our only girl, is graceful, but likes to occasionally be some comic relief. Her Digimon is Gerlimon, a cute, candy-wielding fairy/blob/frog Digimon, in the Digital World, but is Kandimon, a cuter and less blob-like lollipop-holding Digimon, in the Real World. Musashi's D-Oracle is Red.

    Yuuta, our lone wolf, is usually very serious, but sometimes complains a bit too much. His Digimon is Pikamon, the electric Machine/mutant Digimon who shares quite a few characteristics with some similar Pokemon, in the Digital World, but is Ekidomon, a similar electric Machine/mutant/tiger/mouse Pokemon. Yuuta's D-Oracle is Yellow.

    ?? is the sixth new Digidestined, whose identity and Digimon will be revealed soon after all the Spirit Digi-Eggs (excluding Ornithmon's), are found. All we know is that he has a Purple D-Oracle and a Dark Digimon


    The five known new Digidestined met near Shibuya Station. Their Digimon were at the Rookie forms, and recently hatched from normal Digi-Eggs. Nonetheless, they bonded well very quickly with their human partners. They came because all of their cellphones changed into D-Oracles, and a mysterious voice that came from them told them to meet here. Soon after, a new type a Trailmon, that had three purplish eyes, and a yellow exterior with dark brown spots. This Trailmon was named Wildcat. Wildcat said "Come on, you guys! This is urgent! We need to leave NOW!" Riku said "What the!? Did that thing just TALK?!" Chiikimon, Riku's Digimon, said "Yes. I think it did. I guess we should get on." Wildcat was about nine feet away from them. The new Digidestined ran, and their Digimon followed, as fast as they could keep up with their human partners. When they all got on, Wildcat said "Next stop... THE DIGITAL WORLD!" Sasuke said "Digital World? I never heard of it. It must be cool!" Wildcat heard Sasuke and said "Yup, it's real alright! It's where Digimon live. I'm sure your newly-hatched, non-human friends know about it. They're all Digimon, and so am I!" Kestremon almost lost his balance, and maybe a few feathers, as Wildcat rushed into the tunnel. After they got out of the tunnel, the five Rookie Digimon Digivolved into their Ultimates, right before their human's very eyes. Jiro said "What happened?" Wildcat explained, "As we got out of that tunnel, we entered the Digital World, and your Digimon Digivolved. They were Rookies before, but they skipped the Champion form, and went straight to Ultimate! Hohoho! Sorry if I confused you!" Musashi said "What did he just say?" Wildcat told them, "You'll find out more very soon! Oh, and you might want to get off in about five seconds, because we're at the Fire Terminal.", and he quickly stopped, and Komodomon was almost sent flying into Riku. The Digidestined, and their Digimon got off, and two familiar looking Digimon, a white koala-like Digimon with a pink belt, and a taller, yellow, rabbit-eared Digimon with reddish-brown footed pajama pants. They were Bokomon and Neemon. Bokomon said "You must be the new Digidestined. Hurry! Find the Spirit Digi-Egg of AncientGreymon!" Komodomon smelled Neemon with his forked tongue, and Neemon started giggling, and said "Hey! That tickles!" Bokomon dragged Neemon by his pants, and started running away. Then, Komodomon smelled the ground with his tongue. He then said "Uhhh. Guys? I think I smell something REALLY evil! Not smelly evil, but bad evil!" And ran toward the source of the smell. The others, including Riku, ran behind him. Then, he stopped, and saw a evil Wizard-like Digimon with pale aqua skin and blonde hair, fighting Agunimon. Komodomon then attacked DarkMagimon, who was the Digimon Agunimon was fighting. Komodomon shouted "TOXIC BLAZE!", and out of his mouth came an purple inferno that was also filled with poisons. DarkMagimon didn't seem to be affected by it at all. Then, Komodomon said "Oh, GREAT!" Agunimon then attacked the evil Digimon with Pyro Darts, but that did even less. Agunimon ran to the side, saying "I usually don't give up, but I don't think I'll beat you at all!" Ospremon, the large white and orange bird Digimon, attacked. He shouted "Eye of Horus!", and out of Ospremon's large, pale blue eyes, came a bright yellow beam of light, aimed at DarkMagimon. That didn't work either. Then, Orangumon, a bluish ape Digimon with a Raccoon-like tail, attacked. He shouted "Icicle Spear!" and out of nowhere, a lance-like figure made of pure ice, attacked DarkMagimon and shattered into pieces. Gerlimon was next to attempt to attack the wizard-like Digimon, and shouted "Amphibian Punch!", and punched Dark Magimon right in his crimson eyes. That didn't even leave a mark. Pikamon then shouted "Smiting Jolt!", as he summoned a mini thunderstorm, that disappeared right after sending down a shot of lightning at DarkMagimon. Even that didn't do anything. Komodomon said "Nothing worked! We used our strongest attacks, and couldn't even hurt him whatsoever! What do we do NOW?" Then, he noticed an red oval shape on a building above him, and shouted "I THINK I SEE THE SPIRIT DIGI-EGG OF ANCIENTGREYMON!" DarkMagimon then tried to go after it, and Komodomon ran toward it, too. Komodomon was faster despite his reptilian form and DarkMagimon's ability to float. Komodomon then climbed up a building, and threw a rock at DarkMagimon to slow the Dark Digimon down. It barely worked. Komodomon then got to the top and grabbed the egg-shaped object. Then, the lizard Digimon jumped down, holding it with his two front legs, and ran toward Riku. DarkMagimon tripped Komodomon with his magical staff, but Riku held up his D-Oracle, and the egg was stored in the green Digivice. Agunimon then told Riku and Komodomon to come toward him, and then told them "If you want to use that Spirit Digi-Egg's power, say 'Spirit Armor Up'! And you have to be right next to your Digimon partner! It might be the only way to beat that creep over there!" Riku took Agunimon's advice, and took out his D-Oracle and said "Spirit Armor Up!". Komodomon was right next to Riku. Then, a Digivolution sequence began. Komodomon said "Komodomon! Spirit Armor Digivolve To......", and floated toward Riku, who was also floating, but was holding the egg, too. After that, the three combined, and vague images of Flamon, Agunimon, BurningGreymon, Aldamon, and EmperorGreymon appeared. Then, out of an inferno came a figure quite like the Pokemon Charizard, only with AncientGreymon's wings, armor, hair, and helmet, instead of Charizard's features. Then, the Inferno shrank to a campfire-sized flame on the figure's tail. The newly formed Digimon roared its name and a title, "INTIIMON! THE KING OF FIERY DRAGONS!" The Digivolution sequence ended, and DarkMagimon shouted "HOW DARE YOU USE THAT SPIRIT DIGI-EGGS POWER! MY MASTER SENT ME TO DESTROY IT!" Intiimon growled, "You can't do that now, punk!", DarkMagimon then shouted "DEATH BOMB!", and out of his staff came a dark ball. DarkMagimon then threw it at Intiimon. Luckily for the Digidestined, Intiimon blocked it by shielding himself with his orange wings. Intiimon then attacked by shooting a large explosion of fire from his tail. As he was doing so, he shouted "CORONA BURST!" DarkMagimon's staff, which was the source of most of the wizard Digimon's, was obliterated by the flames. Luckily for everybody else, especially the citizens of Fire Terminal, the explosion did pretty much no damage. But DarkMagimon's fractal code appeared, and Agunimon said "If you want to revert back to your normal selves, say 'end', and then the Element of the egg, in your case 'fire'. It's the only way to go back, and you'll need to take your defeated foe's fractal code, too!" Intiimon then yelled "End Fire!", and Riku, Komodomon, and the Spirit Egg were back to normal. The Egg then went back into the D-Oracle, and Riku took DarkMagimon's fractal code. Komodomon was amazed. In the distance, Bokomon and Neemon were watching the whole thing. Then, the two Digimon ran toward our heroes. Then, Agunimon became his human form, Takuya, who thanked Riku and Komodomon for disposing of DarkMagimon. Bokomon then saw Takuya, and so did Neemon. The two Digimon said "TAKUYA!", as they ran up to him and started hugging his legs. Komodomon said to Takuya "You know these guys?" Bokomon said "Sorry, but we couldn't introduce ourselves before, because our home here was in danger. Thank you for defeating that evil Digimon. I guess tht two of us will come with you. I am Bokomon, keeper of the Sacred Book of Knowledge." Neemon then introduced himself, "And I am Neemon, keeper of my pants." Neemon then said "Sure, we'll come with ya." Then, Takuya waved goodbye as our heroes, and their two newly met guides to the Digital World, went off to their next destination, which was as of now, unknown.
     
    Interesting start of a story. Im curious where you could go with this. Being a digimon fan as well. I have a few fanfics of my own. Yours seems like a good start, just try to keep the mythos of the Digidestined and Digiworld. Digimon series 5 had a big problem with that. Killing the series sadly.

    Goodluck, Viz. ^^
     
    This may sound like a mini-mod, but you do realize this was posted in the wrong forum, right? This should probably go in other writing. I'll ask a mod to move it for you. 0_o

    As for constructive criticism...

    First of all, you don't introduce the characters very well. You simply tell us everything about their personalities and appearances. Usually, the best way to describe a character is to simply let the audience find out for themselves what they're like, and let the physical details take care of themselves. Let me give you an example...

    Easy Way Out:

    Cassandra, a fifteen-year old, wore a white lab coat and black slacks, and her hair was bubblegum pink. She also wore huge glasses. She wasn't very patient, and didn't like Vincent much. She wasn't very popular.

    Better Way:

    Cassandra sat at the lunch table, irritably kicking the seat directly across from hers. Lunch time was only supposed to be twenty minutes long, but it seemed like it took forever on days when Minerva, one of Cassandra's few friends, wasn't there. Sighing, she brushed a lock of shocking pink hair away from her face and adjusted the coke bottle glasses precariously perched at the end of her nose. Things just weren't going her way today. To make matters worse, that pig, Vincent, had "accidentally" spilled his lunch tray over her earlier, and though she had managed to clean herself off the scent of chili could still be detected if one moved close enough to her pristine white lab coat.

    See the difference there?

    Anyway, three things I don't like about your story:

    1) No time to get involved with the characters. None of them seem to fit the personalities you've assigned them, and since you didn't introduce the characters to us from the very beggining (i.e., right before they first met their digimon) we don't get to bond with the characters at all. We just get thrown right into the first battle, which isn't all that stunning. (Honestly, have we degenerated this much since Season Three, which proved once and for all that you don't always have to out-digivolve the opponent to beat them?)

    2) Too hard to read because of your formatting. Learn to make paragraphs. A paragraph is made by pressing the enter key twice at the following intervals:
    -Every change of idea.
    -Every time a speaker changes.
    -Every time the setting changes or the point of view shifts.

    To illustrate, I'll use a speaker change issue.

    This:

    Gerlimon was next to attempt to attack the wizard-like Digimon, and shouted "Amphibian Punch!", and punched Dark Magimon right in his crimson eyes. That didn't even leave a mark. Pikamon then shouted "Smiting Jolt!", as he summoned a mini thunderstorm, that disappeared right after sending down a shot of lightning at DarkMagimon. Even that didn't do anything.
    Click to expand...

    Should be this:

    Gerlimon was next to attempt to attack the wizard-like Digimon, and shouted "Amphibian Punch!", and punched Dark Magimon right in his crimson eyes. That didn't even leave a mark.

    Pikamon then shouted "Smiting Jolt!", as he summoned a mini thunderstorm, that disappeared right after sending down a shot of lightning at DarkMagimon. Even that didn't do anything.
    Click to expand...

    Once again, you suffer from too much direct exposition. Instead of describing the results ("Gerlimon pulled back her arm before launching it forward and shouting "Amphibian Punch!" DarkMagimon smirked as the blow landed directly between his crimson eyes and simply rebounded without doing any visible damage") you just tell us ("Gerlimon used this attack, it looked like this, but it did nothing"). Take time to describe in detail.

    3) Informality issues. You allude to a series outside the one you are describing twice. First of all, never use terms the audience may be unfamiliar with. A digimon fan may know what a D-Oracle is, but what if I missed the fourth season? A short description of what Digimon are and what these digivices do might be a good idea. To avoid just telling the audience as the narrator, you could always have a character in the story explain it to them, remembering of course to give said character a personality so it doesn't sound like a robot talking. (Which, unfortunately, is the case with most of your characters. None of them really act like real people.) In addition, drop the references to Pokemon, as that is considered bad writing. When talking about a creature that is not either already alive or a well-known fantastical creature (i.e., Dragons and Unicorns, etc.) you should never use other creatures that fall into the same category. In other words, when comparing Digimon to some other type of animal, always use:
    -Real animals (but never ones that the average man on the street won't recognize, such as okapis)
    -Mythical Creatures (Once again, stick to well known ones such as Dragons or Unicorns, rather then Chimeras or Manticores)

    NEVER refer to:
    -Pokemon or other imaginary creatures created for one specific series.
    -Digimon that you have not yet already described in your story.

    If you can't draw a comparison to a well-known animal that already exists in fairy tales or reality, just describe in detail. And never just say "It looked like a dragon, but with X, X, and Y instead of B, A, and C". That is a major cop-out, and a good way to turn people off from reading your story.
     
    Sorry, I had my birthday literally two days ago, and I couldn't post Chapter 2.

    Here it is now

    Chapter 2


    Our heroes kept walking until they reached a large wooded area. They saw Lobomon attempting to fight an obese, evil humanoid bear-like Digimon. This evil Digimon was Callistomon, who was a bounty hunter working for Yugimon. Lobomon attacked him with Lobo Kendo, but it had no effect. Riku and Komodomon decided to become Intiimon again. Then, Sasuke noticed something in a tree. Ospremon flew up and brought it down. It was a white and purple egg shape with two huge gold blades sticking out. It was AncientGarurumon's Spirit Digiegg. Lobomon hid up in a tree. Sasuke then said "Spirit Armor... UP!" Opsremon said "Ospremon Spirit Armor Digivolve to....", and Sasuke, his Digimon, and the egg combined after floating around in the Digivolution sequence. Then, the Digimon and human combined to become a large falcon-like Digimon. Strabimon, Lobomon, KendoGarurumon, Beowulfmon and MagnaGarurumon's images flashed. Then, AncientGarurumon's armor, blades, and other accessories flew onto the bird Digimon. The newly formed Digimon flew and shouted "AMONRAYMON! THE BRAVE BIRD OF LIGHT!" Callismon said "Two Spirit Armor Digi-Eggs. If I defeat you, my boss will be very pleased! RODEO BULLET!" and shot many rounds of bullets from his left hand, which had guns for fingers. Intiimon and Amonraymon valiantly dodged the shots. Intiimon attacked and said "INFERNAL FANG!" and bit Callismon's arm, and flames shot from Intiimon's teeth. Callismon roared in pain as Intiimon let go. Then, Amonraymon finished the fight with one of his attacks. He screeched "GALLANT BLADES!", and the blades, which were like a second pair of wings, spread out and glowed white. Then, the bird Digimon flew into the evil bear Digimon with a lot of brute strength. Intiimon said "End Fire!" Amonraymon said "End Light!", and soon after, Sasuke scanned the Spirit Egg that Opsremon found, and then scanned Callismon's fractal code. Then Koji came out and thanked them for saving him like that, then walked off. They kept on walking, and Neemon shouted "I THOUGHT CALLISMON WAS GOING TO EAT ME!" Bokomon then whacked Neemon with his sacred book of knowledge.


    Chapter 3 will be up early next month, HOPEFULLY!
     
    Hi! I decided to review your story, since it was the most recent Digimon one to be updated.

    With the basics, you didn't really listen to ACC-M showing you how to handle dialog. Your entire story is in one huge block of text. It should be separated into paragraphs to make it easier on the readers to understand what's going on. Right now, I had trouble finding out where one sentence began and where another ended because there's no paragraphs. Take the time to separate your story.

    Also, you should take the time to work on your description. Like here:
    Lobomon attacked him with Lobo Kendo, but it had no effect.
    Click to expand...
    You just tell the reader what happened. *Character* used *attack* but *attack* didn't work. There's a better way to do this that could make the reader more interested in the battle. I'll show you what I mean.

    Lobomon raised his double-ended light sword. He charged towards the enemy Digimon, crying out the name of his attack: "Lobo Kendo!" Callistomon raised an arm to block the blade, protecting himself from harm.
    Click to expand...
    This works better than just saying that things happen.

    There's more to be said about description. Your characters' feelings and thoughts get no mention in this story, and because of this, they don't feel like real people to me. They just feel like robots, who fight in a battle and then keep walking. You don't explore their thoughts about being in a new world, without knowing if they can get home, and having to fight with strange creatures, and having to survive on their own. I mean, how would you feel in a situation like that? Use your feelings as a basis for your characters. Make them feel like humans to your readers.

    Also, your chapter is short. Really short. Think about your chapters as being episodes of the Digimon anime. Do you have enough to fill the twenty-two minutes that shows are given with commercials? Right now, you don't. You have only like...fifteen minutes of a battle going on.

    Think about the Digimon anime, and how long it takes for the episode to set up the plot. Plus, there's more interaction between the characters than just in battles. Have these humans talk to their Digimon to try and find out more about their new partners. Have these humans talk more to one another. Build up a better role for Kouji to be in the chapter. Right now, he's not needed there. You could easily write him out of the chapter and not be missing a thing.

    Your writing is still coming across as really rushed. I would suggest that you take a look at the Fanfiction Advice thread to help you out. Also, make sure to put into practice what ACC-M and I showed you. It will help your story improve.

    Good luck.
     
    I read all your reveiws or chapters. They are really good. I'm a digi fan too, but I still like pokemon more. lol Anyways keep up the good work. ;)
     
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    Chapter 3

    Our heroes made it out of the forest after walking for a good hour, and made it to a frozen wonderland, but it was rather dangerous. A SnowAgumon came up to them and warned them about a SaberLeomon that lived nearby that had a very fiery temper. Then, Komodomon smelled the ground with his tongue, and perked up and said "Yup, I think that SaberLeomon is nearby.", and looked at the ground again, seeing a fresh footprint in the snow. It was huge, and likely belonged to SaberLeomon. They then saw Kumamon, and SaberLeomon was running after him. Kumamon attacked with Blizzard Blaster, aiming a shot of snow at SaberLeomon's face, but the Beast Digimon wasn't affected at all. A huge snowstorm then hit, and Orangumon got conked on the head by AncientMegatheriumon's Spirit Digi-Egg. The simian Digimon then said "Jiro, I think we should help." Right when he said that, Kumamon went back to being Tommy, who hid behind a rock. Jiro then said "SPIRIT ARMOR.... UP!" Orangumon then said "Orangumon Spirit Armor Digivolve To....", as he, his human partner, and the egg went around in a circle as flashes of Kumamon, Korikakumon, and Daipenmon appeared and disappeared quickly. Then, Jiro became one with Orangumon, becoming a large, muscular, bull-like creature. Then, AncientMegatheriumon's horns, hair, and hooves came flying onto the newly formed Digimon, which shouted "BUFFALOMON! THE BEAST OF ICE!" Then, Sasuke and Ospremon became Amonraymon, who attacked SaberLeomon with his Blinding Blast attack, which temporarily stunned the Beast Digimon for about a second before forcefully being defeated and reverting back. Then, Buffalomon finished the fight easily with Freeze Hammer, a trampling attack that defeated SaberLeomon. Buffalomon then said "End Ice!", and Jiro took SaberLeomon's fractal code right as Tommy thanked him for saving him like that. Then, Jiro scanned the egg and our heroes went to their next destination.
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