Eh, I think I prefer the original 1337. ;D
Anyway, this is the first review I've done in a long while, and it's not really like me to do something that's not vaguely grammatical but what the hell. Let's critique comedy.
This won't be long, chill.
First off, in comparison to the the first one, the humour in part deux seems a bit forced. I might have snickered slightly here and there, but that's about it really. There weren't any really extremely lulzy, noteworthy lines like:
"Son your leaving in your underwear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
which still cracks me up. I think the main problem is that, while you do try to emulate the random, non-sequitorial comedy of the first one, it doesn't work as well. Partially, I think it's because of the almost intelligent comments you add in there. And by intelligent, I don't mean that you're not and shouldn't be trying to act it, I mean that the fic isn't and you shouldn't be trying to force it in. It makes it look like forced humor. A bit like the explaining a joke is akin to killing it.
Example:
However, his alias for the new region was…HOT GUY. (he went to the court house and had it legally changed shut up)
Adding that he had it legally changed is too much of an attempt at explaining what was supposed to be a non-sequiter. Furthermore, the fact that you used 'alias' is also a bit too intelligent for this type of parody fic. You did this lulzily well in your first story:
Eg.
So he ran downstairs, ate some BACON, and ran out the door. He was a 4'3 feet Libra that liked honey baked ham, New Orleans type jazz, and long walks on the beach. "Son your leaving in your underwear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" his mom called, but he didn't care..
Here, you string together nonsensical, irrelevant statements and end with like, one of the best freaking punchlines ever. EVAR.
Contrast:
So then he saw this present in his room and his archenemy (he's back ladies and germs!!!) ONIONS was standing there making strange noises that sounded slightly sexual. (The reason Cheren is not here is because he opted not to be here because I kinda paid him a bribe, so fangirls, GO AWAY!!!!0) And Beru was there tripping on acid the floor because she is cluzty like Lopunny!1
There's too much explaining and not enough non-sequiturs. I mean, if you'd opted for a Douglas Adams type narrative with a snarky, deadpan delivery, you'd be fine with this kind of thing, but instead you're mixing up these different styles. It's a bit jarring actually. To further push this point, take the line
"(The reason Cheren is not here is because he opted not to be here because I kinda paid him a bribe, so fangirls, GO AWAY!!!!0)". This would've been waay funnier if you'd said something along the lines of Cheren wasn't here because bacon man beat him up or something. As in, going with the non-sequitur flow of the whole thing. The meta-humor here also just sounds like a tiny bit of a rant so it wasn't that funny.
And uhh, the rest of the narrative follows through in a similar vein as the above. I still think e1337 the first was the best one. So, main point, if you're going for non-sequitur comedy, explaining equals not so good, while randomly chaining together events is good, if you don't overdo it.
Sorry.
