Every Rose Has It Thorns

[Honest]

Ok, this poem is a poem I made within an hour like 2 days ago, I think. I showed my friend, and she loved it. ^_^. So It's dedicated to her.

Oh, and the made line of the poem "Every Rose Has Its Thorns", I ______(borrowed, stole(Take your pick :P)) from Crissy (Cold Fusion) So I owe her for it to. :P

Here it goes *Edited*:

Every time I see your face
Every time we're eye to eye
I remember all the days
When we were in each other's lives

It seemed so long ago
When I loved you with all my heart
But nothing lasts forever
And soon, we were torn apart

'Cause every rose has its thorns
Everything has an end
I know we had our problems
But I thought we were still more then friends

As you left me forever
You broke me apart
And as I drown in the water
I wish for another start

I know every rose has its thorns
That everything has an end
But I didn't think the flower would wilt
And leave me on my own to depend

As I stand here alone
Looking out the front door
I see the person I once loved
And the person I still adore

I wish I could take it back
As I stand there and mourn
But I know what's done is done
'Cause every rose has its thorns.




And thats it. Please critic, be harsh if you have to. Any comments would work as well. :)

Edit: I decided to make time and edit it, seeing how people been calling me arrogant... can't blame you though, It did sound arrogant... I really thought I made it clear that it was a joke...

Oh well, no harm done. ^_^

Edit (again): Oh, and I am working on making those specific areas you mentioned, Twilight, shorter. :)

 

[TwilightBlade]

I am no professional, but since you asked...

Every time I see your face
Every time we're eye to eye
I remember all the days
When we were in each other's lives

It seemed so long ago
When I loved you with all my heart
But nothing lasts forever
And soon, we were torn apart

Would you say such contractions to your lover? Maybe An' is acceptable but N' is a stretch, imo. 'Cause is okay, though.

'Cause every rose has its thorns
Everything has an end
I know we had our problems
But I thought we were still more then friends

Last line seems long, compared to the others. Try to condense it? Here are some rhyming words I think you could use in cotangent with problems and whatever else ou want to convey: amend, descend, pretend, intend, lend, transcend

As you left me forever
You broke me apart
And as I drown in the water
I wish for another start

This stanza seems a bit out of place; perhaps you can find something ~rose themed~ instead of referencing water?

I know every rose has its thorns
That everything has an end
But I didn't think the flower would wilt
And leave me on my own to depend

As I stand here alone
Looking out the front door
I see the person I once loved
And the person I still adore

The speaker loves a person, not a thing, I would imagine.

I wish I could take it back
As I stand there and mourn
But I know what's done is done
'Cause every rose has its thorns.

Little comments/edits in bold. I really enjoyed this poem. Deep. :3

Consider commas? :P

Although repetition emphasizes the speaker's feelings, I believe that you need more variation. Perhaps, you could discuss the beginning or climax relationship instead of the melancholic ending and aftermath/regret. How could the reader have much sympathy when he/she is offered little context about who this partner was and what has happened between the couple? Do explain what was so wonderful about the partner, causing the speaker to still "adore" him/her after the break up. After establishing a foundation and some plot, then happily shift into the mourning and such for a more effective crushing feeling.

What is wrong with thorns? They protect the flower from predators, so would they not protect the lovers from outsiders (e.g. parents, haha). Also, I believe that they are actually called prickles, lol. :)

Thorn differs from prickle; the latter being applied to the sharp points issuing from the bark of a plant and not attached to the wood, as in the rose and bramble. But in common usage, thorn is applied to the prickle of the rose, and in fact the two words are used promiscuously.

I am mentioning the prickle/thorn confusion because you are using a cliche, lol.

Same title as Poison's song, haha.

 

[Honest]

I am no professional, but since you asked...


Little comments/edits in bold. I really enjoyed this poem. Deep. :3

Consider commas? :P

Although repetition emphasizes the speaker's feelings, I believe that you need more variation. Perhaps, you could discuss the beginning or climax relationship instead of the melancholic ending and aftermath/regret. How could the reader have much sympathy when he/she is offered little context about who this partner was and what has happened between the couple? Do explain what was so wonderful about the partner, causing the speaker to still "adore" him/her after the break up. After establishing a foundation and some plot, then happily shift into the mourning and such for a more effective crushing feeling.

What is wrong with thorns? They protect the flower from predators, so would they not protect the lovers from outsiders (e.g. parents, haha). Also, I believe that they are actually called prickles, lol. :)



I am mentioning the prickle/thorn confusion because you are using a cliche, lol.

Same title as Poison's song, haha.

I'm a Grammer Nazi. :P

I like the edits you made, sounds better, true, but my friends already think I'm like a "Famous Poet Here" so I think I'll leave it. :P

Thankies, Twilight. ^_^

 

[Rolling Pichu]

but my friends already think I'm like a "Famous Poet Here" so I think I'll leave it.

So you prefer that false fame over taking some of his advice? ): That sucks.

 

[Deleted member 143209]

but my friends already think I'm like a "Famous Poet Here" so I think I'll leave it.

Without commenting on how arrogant that sounds, the girl gave you advice, and good advice at that. You shouldn't just "leave it", that's not what poetry is about. I'm never satisfied in anything I create or do, I sing for absolution but yet I feel at the bottom of the food chain, that's why I appreciate C&C, forget about what you friends think and worry more about what you and those who give you pointers think.

 

[Honest]

So you prefer that false fame over taking some of his advice? ): That sucks.

Without commenting on how arrogant that sounds, the girl gave you advice, and good advice at that. You shouldn't just "leave it", that's not what poetry is about. I'm never satisfied in anything I create or do, I sing for absolution but yet I feel at the bottom of the food chain, that's why I appreciate C&C, forget about what you friends think and worry more about what you and those who give you pointers think.

*Facepalm*

It was a joke. I thought I made that obvious...

Lolz, I definatly thank you for the help, and the two of you who are making me fix it. Lolz, I just am a little busy... no a lot busy with school work. :P


EDIT: *Facepalm*

Ok... apperantly, I didn't ake it obvious.... hehe, whoops.

I thought I editted that post....

 

[Deleted member 143209]

I don't wish to press the comment. It's well and good if you were emitting humour, however you came across as if you knew it all to begin with. If I may draw an opinion, and dust some advice across your mentality, poetry isn't about being the best, or among the best writers. Poetry is the freedom of self expression, in saying that everyone writes poetry for varied reasons, you've displayed your work and explained that it was liked and that you are known as a poet. Which is all well and good but, your poetry should be telling me this and not you. To further illiterate what I had intended to say, a poet writes poetry for themselves, they publicise it for one of two reasons, to display an accomplished ability to show well written, comprehensive and enjoyable poetry. One poem does not make anyone a 'great' poet. Emily Dickenson was a prolific poet and released over 200 poems, and never made a living from it, she was recognised more so after her death. The point I'm trying to get across is, all the advice you can get, don't think you're going to get an overflow of admiration in comments. Being a technical poet is getting your true emotions through whilst using a set structure or techniques such as meter to engage the reader and add depth. Just expect critique to be harsh. I only wish I could more advice with my work. So keep writing and listen to those who help. Don't just 'leave it'.

 

[Rolling Pichu]

I don't wish to press the comment. It's well and good if you were emitting humour, however you came across as if you knew it all to begin with. If I may draw an opinion, and dust some advice across your mentality, poetry isn't about being the best, or among the best writers. Poetry is the freedom of self expression, in saying that everyone writes poetry for varied reasons, you've displayed your work and explained that it was liked and that you are known as a poet. Which is all well and good but, your poetry should be telling me this and not you. To further illiterate what I had intended to say, a poet writes poetry for themselves, they publicise it for one of two reasons, to display an accomplished ability to show well written, comprehensive and enjoyable poetry. One poem does not make anyone a 'great' poet. Emily Dickenson was a prolific poet and released over 200 poems, and never made a living from it, she was recognised more so after her death. The point I'm trying to get across is, all the advice you can get, don't think you're going to get an overflow of admiration in comments. Being a technical poet is getting your true emotions through whilst using a set structure or techniques such as meter to engage the reader and add depth. Just expect critique to be harsh. I only wish I could more advice with my work. So keep writing and listen to those who help. Don't just 'leave it'.

Er... He just said it was a joke, and he apologized for not making it seem so. I think that's very decent of him already, no need to reprimand him further; you may end up coming across as condescending.

 

[Deleted member 143209]

Er... He just said it was a joke, and he apologized for not making it seem so. I think that's very decent of him already, no need to reprimand him further; you may end up coming across as condescending.

Of course and you're correct in saying that and I agree it was just a mistake in which he had corrected. I didn't nor do I mean to come across as any way condescending at all, that's the last thing I want to do. I was merely stating some opinions and maybe offering some advice from study in hope to see his opinions also. Again, I don't mean to sound rash.

 

[Honest]

Er... He just said it was a joke, and he apologized for not making it seem so. I think that's very decent of him already, no need to reprimand him further; you may end up coming across as condescending.

Its okay, Rolling Pichu. No harm, no foul. And what he says is true. And he says in his next post he doesn''t mean to be harsh. So yea. :P

Of course and you're correct in saying that and I agree it was just a mistake in which he had corrected. I didn't nor do I mean to come across as any way condescending at all, that's the last thing I want to do. I was merely stating some opinions and maybe offering some advice from study in hope to see his opinions also. Again, I don't mean to sound rash.

Your not condescending anything. You just being helpful. I really do thank you, and all. Lesson learned, never act smart again. Hehe. ^_^

But don't you think we're sorta straying from the topic?