Back from church summer camp, so I can finally do reviews now =3
only to face summer school starting tomorrow >>; *sigh*
@ Rivals by Mewman
It was the last time he would ever do it
Two identical pronouns will mean that the two identical pronouns are pointing to the same thing. Since that's the case, this sentence makes no sense. Change the 2nd "it" to whatever it is suppose to represent.
It's not like he hadn't set an example, two other places in Kanto had opened up, devoted to giving away starter Pokemon.
unclear in definition... readers need to stop and think about this sentence, and this sentence isn't even a deep one. This should never happen. The strange grammatical errors are probably the cause of this.
From now on, it was just him and his studies.
"Now" always points to the present, yet past tense follows... obviously, something's wrong with the tense, or something is wrong with the "now."
But, deep inside of him, he felt as if even after closing he was contributing to something...
this sentence should join with the previous sentence in order to be a complete sentence... and also use a space after the ellipses before starting the next clause.
-the sentence about Kanto being the first to let Pokemon roam free is an awkward one... I'm not really getting what it was like before Pokemon training o.o;
Then, the Orange Islands followed, then Jhoto, then Hoenn, and recently Revatican.
again, watch out for incomplete sentences
New species were discovered all the time, and were treated with the respect they deserved, and all because of Kanto?s example.
Don't use the same words over and over again as that is boring. One of the "and" can simply be replaced by another conjunctions instead to solve this problem here.
-Watch out for the length of sentences. It's best of sentences aren't too long, followed by clauses after clauses, even if they are grammatically correct.
-more problems involving complete sentences and incomplete sentences... I'm not going to quote them anymore, but please keep a careful eye on them.
-"near" is used wrong. You use "near" when you're the passive one and something/someone is approaching you. You use "closer" when you're the active one, going towards something/someone.
-start of a major flaw... "Blue." This Blue is completely different compare to the official "Blue" (by far it's because of the blue hair, and the lack of cunningness/trickery,) as if it's an original character. However, Red is completely identical to his manga self so far... So how does this work... Is this Blue the manga Blue, or an original character who got a terrible name that's suggesting a bad allusion to someone else who actually exists?
Not wise to screw around with your rater's favorite manga character too.
(I'm going to assume that this is the manga Blue)
-blank space between each new paragraph please ;_; my eyes! They BURN~~!
-dialogues suddenly start to be SPAMmed by chapter 2... it started out very well in chapter one where the amount of dialogues are ideal and quite well balanced. Yet in this chapter, almost every paragraph leads with a dialogue... some lines aren't needed (such as the part about Red phoning his parents) too which is really making this story boring after a good chapter 1.
-description decreased from chapter 1 to chapter 2... a real pity, again. Chapter 1 talked quite a bit about Red, and got plenty of character description. There are a fair amount of details which is good, but then chapter 2 seems to have lost it all...
-title isn't the most unique, but descriptive enough...
Good Points
-good beginning in chapter 1
-good background detail about Red
Focuses to Improve On
-Blue (completely unclear)
-Grammatical problems
-Try to write like Ch.1 again... it's by far your best out of prologue, ch.1 and ch.2
Title: 3/5
Grammar Basics: 7/10
Coherence/Readability: 8/10
Characterization: 11/20
Story Structure: 10/15
Tone/Atmosphere: 10/15
Diction: 13/20
Effort/Originality: 11/15
Lit. Device bonus: +0
total: 73
(if i'm marking just chapter 2, this fanfic is going right down to 60... focus on the chapter 1 writing level and you'll go to at least 80. I'm confident that you're certainly capable of achieving that.)
