Frostweaver
Ancient + Prehistoric
- 8,245
- Posts
- 21
- Years
- Age 36
- Canada
- Seen Sep 12, 2016
Now aren't you all surprised that this is back. Going to destroy rate a fanfic due to a request from a friend ^^
~The New Trainer~ by Krafty Quill
Title- 3/5
5 Title is symbolic, highly relevant and unique to the story
4 Title is relevant and descriptive
3 Title is descriptive, but is not precise in terms of descriptiveness, or is cliché
2 Title is general, and applicable to most stories
1 Title is irrelevant, and applicable to all stories
Surely only more than half of those fanfics are not going to follow the Pokemon canon and is going to pick out some new trainers to talk about right... and what the heck is hizzo? If google and wikipedia can't find anything about that, then certainly I don't know what it is either.
As bad as things sound, the other chapter titles are not bad at all. If only the entire fanfic's title is just as good...
Narrative Manner- 4/5
5 Narrative manner is excellent, and adds strength and/or hidden meaning to the story
4 Narrative manner is good, and adds some emphasize to the story
3 Narrative manner is decent, and is suitable to the story
2 Narrative manner is acceptable but not precise, or format is incorrect
1 Narrative manner is poor, and weakens the story
those "x hours later" comments are always not that helpful... I don't see why such details cannot be incorporated as part of the normal narration as well. Leave these sentences for the scripts.
Overall, the narrative manner is very well done... besides for that one irritating error, it's not bad at all. This story is relatively simple, and a simple narration is what it needs.
Grammar/Coherence- 9/10
10 Grammar mistakes are almost inexistent, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
8-9 Grammar mistakes are rare, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
6-7 Grammar mistakes are uncommon, but story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
5 Grammar mistakes are common, and story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
1-4 Grammar mistakes are common, and story suffers loopholes in plot
You get disappointed with someone, not in someone... It sounds weird (and believe me, I suck at grammar... if even I picked it up... XD)
Careful of run-on sentences, but thankfully, this is not a common error.
"to visit the family" or something will sound better than "to visit family." You just need an article of some kind there.
Little nitpicks here and there, but overall the story is very readable. Grammar errors are there, but not enough to reduce readability. Then again, I'm usually slack on this section to give marks XD;
Major Character(s)- 14/15
14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant
12-13 Major characters are multi-faceted. Most details are highly precise and relevant
11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited. Details are precise and relevant
9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant
7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision.
5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount.
1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters.
Pulling a Kairi on me is major suicide... Not a KH crossover, so there's no reason to use such a popular name for a random female of Pallet. If you use a less famous anime/game female heroine, things will slip by, but a KH? (Can't use the Sakura excuse for this one either- how it's just a very common name in Japan... the name 'Kairi' is totally unheard of besides KH. In fact, it's just a noun in Japan, not really a name except for KH and the most queer of the queer people.)
Now moving on from the name and the KH-canon physical description, what can I say that's bad about Kairi... I can say nothing possibly harmful that talks of how Mary Sues got problems of their own. Kairi is a well formulated, and realistic character who reflects the pressure issue of many people in the real world very well.
I'll actually say Gary's seemingly inexistant character actually is the magic that makes this fanfic run so smoothly. Settled in his own right (which I'll just credit this to his increased age... I honestly don't know a thing about the Pokemon Special that got Gary in it to see if he really behaved this much since Johto.) Besides for this potential thing that raise an eyebrow, Gary's character is *very* well made as well. Kairi's character is so likable, 99% it's because of what a figure Gary is to Kairi. This fanfic will be trashy without him. *clap clap* I haven't seen a good main character that also doesn't do anything in a very long time. Gary here, is one of them.
Minor Character(s)- 8/10
9-10 Minor characters are necessary and relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways
7-8 Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story
6-7 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story
4-5 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story
1-4 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story
Sometimes, characters who are so minor enough that they really don't need to be specified who they are... Misty here is doing absolutely nothing. Her married status doesn't really reflect to the character we're used to. Pulling a Gary/Misty shipping is just asking for suicide from the anime fans, and it's best to avoid coupling people like this unless you are meant to handle it. This fanfic isn't about romance of these people from the older generation. A generic "Kairi's mom" will definitely suffice. (not to mention, that Misty poster mentioning in Kairi's room also did nothing but confuse me)
Everyone else is again, very well done. Kairi's doubt of Rose's sincerity is very appropriate. Readers are lead off to side along with Kairi's biased views, which is enforced by the annoying Waterflower sisters. However, by the end of the third chapter, we see how they're quite influencial to the plot's climax and Kairi's decision too. They serve as great foil to Kairi, and ultimately succeeds in challenges her to change. If it's not for Misty being forced into this fanfic, I'll jump right into full marks here.
Story Details- 8/10
9-10 Details are relevant, allowing readers to fully understand the story
7-8 Details are sometimes relevant, allowing readers to understand the story
5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant, occasionally confusing the readers
3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is endangered
1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged
Though details are a very strong feature of this fanfic, watch out if they make sense. In the first chapter, Kairi notices the raindrop dews on the grass, before noting "a wide beam of sunlight fading into view" implying that this is the first ray through the rain clouds... well, wonder how do water surfaces glisten with silvery sparkles or the raindrop shimmer without a strong sunshine in the morning already.
Proven that writing with details is not a problem for you, let's move on to the next level: write only *relevant* details. For example, after Kairi realized that she got no time to ponder in her shower, that paragraph can end immediately. For example, we really don't need to know about how she quickly scrubbed her body, then used a towel to dry herself, used the mirror, before rushing off. The point of it is that she got snapped back to the present from her thoughts. Those last few sentences don't contribute much to Kairi's character, or the mood of the story. They aren't some very exciting action either. *However* the brushing part got some relevance, because it sheds some light on Kairi's mother as a character. As minor as that will be enough to decide if a sentence stays or not... but the part between the shower and the brushing is really, really not doing much.
Just cut them out to reduce word length. This isn't easy to do and certainly takes practice, but it's really handy.
Misty's poster is... icky. Its problem is mentioned already.
Diction/Tone- 12/15
14-15 Diction greatly contributes to story components. Tone is very relevant and suitable
12-13 Diction contributes to story components. Tone is suitable but not always relevant
10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant
8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but always relevant
6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant
1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author
Sometimes I wonder if you know what you're trying to imply at all... After reading the fanfic, I still have no idea why did you pull off the implication of humans being ruled by the un/natural forces at all. Not to mention, its tone is totally unrelated to the next paragraph... The end of the storm => super-perfect morning scenery is totally odd and pointless.
Again, really be careful about some of your wordings in terms of what you're implying... as much as it's very poetic to say "morning rituals" about shower/brushing teeth/etc, it's in stark contrast to what is happening because Kairi is rushing through all of it. If it's really a ritual for her, then she will treat it to be much more serious than this.
Avoid mentioning of colors, unless if it's provided by the fandom ("Yellow electric rodent" => Pikachu) or if it can do something by contributing to the story. Saying that Kairi uses a purple towel is implying that she is a bit arrogant, which is in a bit of a contradiction with her blue/starmie curtains which suggest some pretty opposite spectrum sayings. Yes, color is that annoying (it saves lives in English class. They're a dead giveaway of what's happening next.)
Some parts of the tone is taking away from Kairi's fine character. The tone really makes her sound arrogant, but the battle obviously proves that she is more like the reversed. So, be careful with what you're saying.
Really, really like what the lab is like... it's pretty well done for its symbol. (but can really cut out the movie references since that weakens it in my opinion)
Story Structure- 16/18
17-18 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components
15-16 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components
13-14 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components
11-12 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components
8-10 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components
5-7 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components
1-4 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components
It's short and sweet... it's very well done here as well. A few little nitpicks here and there can really give it a boost though. The beginning is a little bit weak with a lot of unrelated materials to slow down the story to unnecessary means. Some parts of the battle is slightly unrealistic, even for the point of this story. Charmander being inside the "box" part is really weird, and it took too long for Toa to start the Tackle attack. He was just... standing there? The box scene doesn't really need that many paragraphs. Think that the point was driven home awhile ago that Kairi blows at battling.
Chapter isn't really necessary I think... the cut offs aren't too significant between chapters. It feels more like you want to rush off the story to see how many reviews you'll get along with comments. This will be a fabulous oneshot instead, I think.
Fandom- 2/2
2 Story takes full advantage of the Pokemon fandom to maximize the story's potential.
1 Story utilizes Pokemon fandom settings to enhance the story.
0 Story barely utilizes Pokemon fandom settings. Choice of fandom limits the story's potential.
Perfect uses of one of the Pokemon anime's only sense of characterization that got drawn out for like, 4 years of time: rivalry between Ash and Gary. It's rare that we know anything of substance from the Pokemon anime, which doesn't believe in plot or character except for a few. This rivalry is one of them, and this rivalry is what drives the majority of how this fanfic plays out.
Effort- 10/10
9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Author's re-read and editing are apparent.
7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary.
5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary.
1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices.
Asking for a review on a story that's months old is pretty good effort if you ask me. Most writers won't really care about such "old" stories if it's not touched at all since that long. (Plus, this part is also one of those mark balancing section anyway XD)
Literal Device Bonus- +2/15 (Foreshadowing 0/1, Antinomy/Paradox 0/2, Foil 2/2, Dramatic Irony 0/2, Situational Irony 0/2, Allusion 0/2, Motif/Symbols 0/3)
Strength
-*very* strong characters
-excellent usage of the Pokemon fandom
-obvious improvement between 1st chapter and last chapter
Weaknesses
-horrible, horrible story title (50% of the reason why no one reads this, at least)
-irrelevant details
-unclear/distractive tone of voice
Total: 88/100
Very well done, I must say. I'm rather shocked a bit myself at your writing abilities in comparison with your other written story that you used as a birthday gift ;p Perhaps this slightly more serious type of fanfic is your true strength, in comparison to comedy. Your writing also has some uncanny direct contrast to Lily's writing style that you two are on totally different end of the spectrum.
Can definitely see a bit of your own real life character in the story too~ ;p
~The New Trainer~ by Krafty Quill
Title- 3/5
5 Title is symbolic, highly relevant and unique to the story
4 Title is relevant and descriptive
3 Title is descriptive, but is not precise in terms of descriptiveness, or is cliché
2 Title is general, and applicable to most stories
1 Title is irrelevant, and applicable to all stories
Surely only more than half of those fanfics are not going to follow the Pokemon canon and is going to pick out some new trainers to talk about right... and what the heck is hizzo? If google and wikipedia can't find anything about that, then certainly I don't know what it is either.
As bad as things sound, the other chapter titles are not bad at all. If only the entire fanfic's title is just as good...
Narrative Manner- 4/5
5 Narrative manner is excellent, and adds strength and/or hidden meaning to the story
4 Narrative manner is good, and adds some emphasize to the story
3 Narrative manner is decent, and is suitable to the story
2 Narrative manner is acceptable but not precise, or format is incorrect
1 Narrative manner is poor, and weakens the story
those "x hours later" comments are always not that helpful... I don't see why such details cannot be incorporated as part of the normal narration as well. Leave these sentences for the scripts.
Overall, the narrative manner is very well done... besides for that one irritating error, it's not bad at all. This story is relatively simple, and a simple narration is what it needs.
Grammar/Coherence- 9/10
10 Grammar mistakes are almost inexistent, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
8-9 Grammar mistakes are rare, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
6-7 Grammar mistakes are uncommon, but story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
5 Grammar mistakes are common, and story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
1-4 Grammar mistakes are common, and story suffers loopholes in plot
You get disappointed with someone, not in someone... It sounds weird (and believe me, I suck at grammar... if even I picked it up... XD)
Careful of run-on sentences, but thankfully, this is not a common error.
"to visit the family" or something will sound better than "to visit family." You just need an article of some kind there.
Little nitpicks here and there, but overall the story is very readable. Grammar errors are there, but not enough to reduce readability. Then again, I'm usually slack on this section to give marks XD;
Major Character(s)- 14/15
14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant
12-13 Major characters are multi-faceted. Most details are highly precise and relevant
11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited. Details are precise and relevant
9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant
7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision.
5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount.
1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters.
Pulling a Kairi on me is major suicide... Not a KH crossover, so there's no reason to use such a popular name for a random female of Pallet. If you use a less famous anime/game female heroine, things will slip by, but a KH? (Can't use the Sakura excuse for this one either- how it's just a very common name in Japan... the name 'Kairi' is totally unheard of besides KH. In fact, it's just a noun in Japan, not really a name except for KH and the most queer of the queer people.)
Now moving on from the name and the KH-canon physical description, what can I say that's bad about Kairi... I can say nothing possibly harmful that talks of how Mary Sues got problems of their own. Kairi is a well formulated, and realistic character who reflects the pressure issue of many people in the real world very well.
I'll actually say Gary's seemingly inexistant character actually is the magic that makes this fanfic run so smoothly. Settled in his own right (which I'll just credit this to his increased age... I honestly don't know a thing about the Pokemon Special that got Gary in it to see if he really behaved this much since Johto.) Besides for this potential thing that raise an eyebrow, Gary's character is *very* well made as well. Kairi's character is so likable, 99% it's because of what a figure Gary is to Kairi. This fanfic will be trashy without him. *clap clap* I haven't seen a good main character that also doesn't do anything in a very long time. Gary here, is one of them.
Minor Character(s)- 8/10
9-10 Minor characters are necessary and relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways
7-8 Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story
6-7 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story
4-5 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story
1-4 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story
Sometimes, characters who are so minor enough that they really don't need to be specified who they are... Misty here is doing absolutely nothing. Her married status doesn't really reflect to the character we're used to. Pulling a Gary/Misty shipping is just asking for suicide from the anime fans, and it's best to avoid coupling people like this unless you are meant to handle it. This fanfic isn't about romance of these people from the older generation. A generic "Kairi's mom" will definitely suffice. (not to mention, that Misty poster mentioning in Kairi's room also did nothing but confuse me)
Everyone else is again, very well done. Kairi's doubt of Rose's sincerity is very appropriate. Readers are lead off to side along with Kairi's biased views, which is enforced by the annoying Waterflower sisters. However, by the end of the third chapter, we see how they're quite influencial to the plot's climax and Kairi's decision too. They serve as great foil to Kairi, and ultimately succeeds in challenges her to change. If it's not for Misty being forced into this fanfic, I'll jump right into full marks here.
Story Details- 8/10
9-10 Details are relevant, allowing readers to fully understand the story
7-8 Details are sometimes relevant, allowing readers to understand the story
5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant, occasionally confusing the readers
3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is endangered
1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged
Though details are a very strong feature of this fanfic, watch out if they make sense. In the first chapter, Kairi notices the raindrop dews on the grass, before noting "a wide beam of sunlight fading into view" implying that this is the first ray through the rain clouds... well, wonder how do water surfaces glisten with silvery sparkles or the raindrop shimmer without a strong sunshine in the morning already.
Proven that writing with details is not a problem for you, let's move on to the next level: write only *relevant* details. For example, after Kairi realized that she got no time to ponder in her shower, that paragraph can end immediately. For example, we really don't need to know about how she quickly scrubbed her body, then used a towel to dry herself, used the mirror, before rushing off. The point of it is that she got snapped back to the present from her thoughts. Those last few sentences don't contribute much to Kairi's character, or the mood of the story. They aren't some very exciting action either. *However* the brushing part got some relevance, because it sheds some light on Kairi's mother as a character. As minor as that will be enough to decide if a sentence stays or not... but the part between the shower and the brushing is really, really not doing much.
Just cut them out to reduce word length. This isn't easy to do and certainly takes practice, but it's really handy.
Misty's poster is... icky. Its problem is mentioned already.
Diction/Tone- 12/15
14-15 Diction greatly contributes to story components. Tone is very relevant and suitable
12-13 Diction contributes to story components. Tone is suitable but not always relevant
10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant
8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but always relevant
6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant
1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author
Sometimes I wonder if you know what you're trying to imply at all... After reading the fanfic, I still have no idea why did you pull off the implication of humans being ruled by the un/natural forces at all. Not to mention, its tone is totally unrelated to the next paragraph... The end of the storm => super-perfect morning scenery is totally odd and pointless.
Again, really be careful about some of your wordings in terms of what you're implying... as much as it's very poetic to say "morning rituals" about shower/brushing teeth/etc, it's in stark contrast to what is happening because Kairi is rushing through all of it. If it's really a ritual for her, then she will treat it to be much more serious than this.
Avoid mentioning of colors, unless if it's provided by the fandom ("Yellow electric rodent" => Pikachu) or if it can do something by contributing to the story. Saying that Kairi uses a purple towel is implying that she is a bit arrogant, which is in a bit of a contradiction with her blue/starmie curtains which suggest some pretty opposite spectrum sayings. Yes, color is that annoying (it saves lives in English class. They're a dead giveaway of what's happening next.)
Some parts of the tone is taking away from Kairi's fine character. The tone really makes her sound arrogant, but the battle obviously proves that she is more like the reversed. So, be careful with what you're saying.
Really, really like what the lab is like... it's pretty well done for its symbol. (but can really cut out the movie references since that weakens it in my opinion)
Story Structure- 16/18
17-18 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components
15-16 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components
13-14 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components
11-12 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components
8-10 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components
5-7 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components
1-4 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components
It's short and sweet... it's very well done here as well. A few little nitpicks here and there can really give it a boost though. The beginning is a little bit weak with a lot of unrelated materials to slow down the story to unnecessary means. Some parts of the battle is slightly unrealistic, even for the point of this story. Charmander being inside the "box" part is really weird, and it took too long for Toa to start the Tackle attack. He was just... standing there? The box scene doesn't really need that many paragraphs. Think that the point was driven home awhile ago that Kairi blows at battling.
Chapter isn't really necessary I think... the cut offs aren't too significant between chapters. It feels more like you want to rush off the story to see how many reviews you'll get along with comments. This will be a fabulous oneshot instead, I think.
Fandom- 2/2
2 Story takes full advantage of the Pokemon fandom to maximize the story's potential.
1 Story utilizes Pokemon fandom settings to enhance the story.
0 Story barely utilizes Pokemon fandom settings. Choice of fandom limits the story's potential.
Perfect uses of one of the Pokemon anime's only sense of characterization that got drawn out for like, 4 years of time: rivalry between Ash and Gary. It's rare that we know anything of substance from the Pokemon anime, which doesn't believe in plot or character except for a few. This rivalry is one of them, and this rivalry is what drives the majority of how this fanfic plays out.
Effort- 10/10
9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Author's re-read and editing are apparent.
7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary.
5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary.
1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices.
Asking for a review on a story that's months old is pretty good effort if you ask me. Most writers won't really care about such "old" stories if it's not touched at all since that long. (Plus, this part is also one of those mark balancing section anyway XD)
Literal Device Bonus- +2/15 (Foreshadowing 0/1, Antinomy/Paradox 0/2, Foil 2/2, Dramatic Irony 0/2, Situational Irony 0/2, Allusion 0/2, Motif/Symbols 0/3)
Strength
-*very* strong characters
-excellent usage of the Pokemon fandom
-obvious improvement between 1st chapter and last chapter
Weaknesses
-horrible, horrible story title (50% of the reason why no one reads this, at least)
-irrelevant details
-unclear/distractive tone of voice
Total: 88/100
Very well done, I must say. I'm rather shocked a bit myself at your writing abilities in comparison with your other written story that you used as a birthday gift ;p Perhaps this slightly more serious type of fanfic is your true strength, in comparison to comedy. Your writing also has some uncanny direct contrast to Lily's writing style that you two are on totally different end of the spectrum.
Can definitely see a bit of your own real life character in the story too~ ;p
