frostweaver said:
-grammatical mistakes, once again... but there seems to be a decreasing amount of them compare to the last chapters, which is a good sign
Can you point some of them out to me? Chances are I have no idea about the rules I'm breaking, since I learned English mainly from reading Harry Potter (and no, it's not my first language *points to location*). Would be good to know for the future.
-the section about the pokedex... so many paragraphs O.o; I am certain that you can reduce the amount of paragraphs used within this chapter, by combining a few paragraphs into one. New paragraphs are unneeded in some places, and too many paragraphs hurt readability.
Heh, you said this about Irony too. I'll clearly have to look into that better. ^^; I do believe my chapter have gotten a lot better in this aspect, though, because I don't feel as often like my paragraphs are awkward.
-another thing is to paraphrase a conversation in order to reduce the massive usage of it, especially between Mark and Charmander, and the battle between Charmander and Skarmory. A lot of conversations in unneeded moments can be annoying.
I'll try in the next revision, which the "urge-meter" is slowly reaching.
-now this thing is kind of troubling me... perhaps I just forgot some of the things from chapter 1? I thought that Mark can listen Pokemon talk, hence why he can talk with Charmander perfectly well. Then... how come regarding Pidgeotto, Rattata, Sandshrew and Skarmory we hear screeching of names again, instead of whatever they say translated into human speech?
I've gotten this question before. The thing is that they aren't saying anything special, so it's not translated. Battle cries and stuff like that doesn't really have a meaning, at least not one that matters, so therefore it's not translated. When the Pok?mon are actually saying something, it's translated.
-Also, Gyarados talking human seems to surprise Mark quite a bit... which is quite odd since he is always used to listening to a Pokemon's speech and can understand it perfeclty well. Perhpas Gyarados is actually talking human, instead of talking Pokemon and Mark translating it... hmm I probably missed something... I hope.
Well... I thought "he quite clearly heard English coming from the monster" would sign that Gyarados was actually opening his mouth and talking, in perfect English. Not something that Mark translates. But I'll probably make that a bit clearer next time. At least, he *is* speaking English, non-translated.
-Mark's character of being incompetent in battles (or at least, relatively) is done nicely. It's not described too vaguely or explicitly as well.
Thanks, I liked how that came out too.
-(note swift is not a TM move for Skarmory. It can learn it itself, and through breeding Skarmory can learn it at birth as well, if the male parent knows Swift, so either way it's not a TM move. Then again, this isn't a "mistake" as fanfics can say whatever, but seeing how all details within this fanfic follow the gameboy very closely in terms of numbers and statistics...
The girl mentions as she leaves that Skarmory is level seven, meaning it would not have learned Swift yet. I can't help thinking that it's kind of stupid that a Pok?mon would be able to learn a move by itself, but not earlier through a TM, which is why I took some liberty on that. Basically, she used a TM to teach Skarmory Swift earlier.
-Overall, an improved work compare to the previous chapters. We're slowly introduced to what seems to be the beginning of the main plot regarding the legendaries. The characters are still lacking a bit in personality and characterization, but they are slowly being built upon. Though there are some small flaws occassionally along, this chapter is still much of an improvement in comparison to previous chapters. I can't say that this is a fanfic that's certainly attractive for me to keep on reading like some others (mostly due to lack of tension and the characters), but this is an interesting start nevertheless.
*grins* Just you wait... you just haven't come to the point where the best character appears, or where things start getting interesting. And the characters are going to improve, I can promise you - at least according to the people who have reviewed the old 36 chapters, who pretty much agree that the characters are my strongest aspect.
-recommanded that the next chapters to come, you should focus on coherence and readability. Technically, it should be *the* easiest section to earn marks on. The story only needs to be consistent and readable to the eye, not even necessarily good. For an experienced writer like you, this section should be getting 9s at least. Be sure to proofread if you have too many paragraphs, and if your story contradicts one another.
I will, thanks, and nothing contradicts each other as explained above.
