frostweaver said:
@ Last Defense
-very flawless in terms of grammar... well done. At least, I can't find any but 1, which is already far beyond excellent.
-characters are rather well chosen, even though Eevee and Espeon are both highly OU Pokemon within fanfics.
-can certainly use more "positive feelings" when Eevee was just captured, to further emphasize his/her foolishness. For a highly emotional fanfic of hatred and angst, you really need to create a huge contrast between what Eevee was thinking before, and what the harsh reality is like. The positive, naive beginning is rather lacking.
-nothing much to comment about, except to keep writing... all that needs to be improved on is diction and tone, as well as organization/planning of the story, which really can't be "commented" upon without re-writing the whole fanfic for you. Regardless of how much you hate her, you can always read Ice by Farla, whose usage of tone is just absolutely amazing. I'm certain that you can pick up a few things from Ice, even if that's a 3rd person narrative while you wrote this in 1st person.
(don't mind if I ask, but you certainly like this kind of fanfic do you...? You wrote pretty much posted 3 fanfics in a row of this nature in PC now)
Grammar Basics: 10/10
Characterization: 16/20
Coherence/Readability: 10/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 15/20
Diction: 15/20
Effort/Originality: 16/20
Lit. Device bonus: +3 (irony, rhetorical questions, open ending)
Total: 85 (Standard of Honours)
o.o
Wow. You liked it.
I did read the first two chapters or so of Ice a while ago (I do like Farla's fics, just not her sitting-in-Live-Journal-and-making-fun-of-people), but I have this tendency not to be able to finish anything chaptered that has more than one chapter at the time I start reading. That has only happened with, like, three fics ever. And one where I kept falling behind the because the author updated so quickly, and then had to catch up. Actually, I don't believe I'd have caught up at all if it weren't for the fact that that author has an exceptional ability to keep the reader's attention, using rather brief description, a lot of mysteries and a very interesting plot even if some other aspects of the fic are slightly lacking.
Anyway, the point is that I've read some bits of Ice, and noticed the tone. (As I say, excellent writer, but really not my kind of person.) I just can't do it, somehow. I guess I should try to read more Farla and, like I've done so many times before, suddenly realize that it's sunk in. It happened when I started writing proper battles (before that, my battles consisted of trainer commands and Pok?mon cries), when I started describing stuff, when I realized that I had written a 36-chapter fic that was just starting, as opposed to my old original fiction which had a big problem in terms of length since I could never think of anything to happen between the introduction and the climax...
Speaking of Farla, I actually decided to write Last Defense after reading a few of her one-shots, and felt like writing something about an abused Pok?mon (Farla is so depressing). Irony and Legendary Revenge both came from other inspiration, though. Irony was originally inspired by some crazy story about my friend's cat being chased by funny men that I thought up when I heard some folk song (random, I know), and Legendary Revenge was written for a writing contest that was supposed to involve a battle with a Legendary Pok?mon.
I'll probably revise Sunset Beach, another one-shot of mine written for a writing contest, but somewhat different as it doesn't involve humans and is in third person. I might post Pok?mon Master too (which is actually a one-shot, and my only work ever to star a canon character as the main character, but does in a way qualify for a... 'reverse' Legendary Revenge/Irony/Last Defense kind of fic, not to say anything more).
