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@ Ridiculous

-when italics is used often in a story, it easily loses its ability to emphasize things... best to reduce the usage of italics here. Getting rid of bold should be fine too as the readers should be able to figure out the change in scene with the line break.

-if you're purposely planning a huge run-on paragraph, then cut out the conjunctions cause the conjunctions are pretty weird right now... as if trying to make it grammatically correct while it's obviously not. Same with italic/bold, it also loses effectiveness if it appears often. You have 2 paragraph that has this property, and 2 paragraphs for such a short work is quite a bit...

-a problem with another one of Lily's fanfic... it's *not Pokemon.* When the connection to Pokemon is as slim as the briefest mention of either a Pokemon or just a name (not even making an appearance or participating in an important role of the story), I'll rather call it... "not" a fanfic. This story is probably better off as an original story.

Other than that... not much to say ^^

Good Points
-excellent insert of other literature in order to enhance your own story
-great coherence throughout the story
-excellent usage of the climax to strengthen the theme

Focuses to Work On
-dont' force something to be a fanfic if it's not meant to ^^
-excessive usage of bold/italics
-too many run-on sentences

Grammar Basics: 9/10
Characterization: 18/20
Coherence/Readability: 10/10
Tone/Structure: 18/20
Diction: 18/20
Effort/Originality: 17/20
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (Pokemon-unrelated -1, incorporation +2)

Total: 91

other: -893289234 x 10^238093472 for taunting Lily ;_;

Real Total: F-A-I-L

(note: 90 above does earn Standard of Excellence usually... but the fact that it's not a Pokemon fanfic really cannot allow me to include it on the list... not fair to all the other fanfic who had a restriction on their topic to be Pokemon-related)
 
Ladies and gentlemen...

HOENN MIRROR WORLD IS NOW FINISHED!

Just a few things to point out...

-Due to the fact that I was trying to make up for the days that I've missed updates, I really didn't have a lot of time to correct the mistakes (plus it's getting rather late where I am anyway). I know it's gonna hurt me, but time is a scarce resource, right? Plus, I've got the HMW website project to worry about (just got finished converting chapter one from script to story format to attract more readers when the site opens)
-Chapter 26 in my eyes is the official final chapter. 27 is more like a "what to expect in the sequel" type of chapter in terms of characters and some happenings.
-Unfortunately, you WON'T be getting the sequel right away. Instead, you have the wait till my new HMW site opens...and that could be a LONG time. Sorry!
 
Last time I didn't bother to write the full review... but this time, prepare to face the true wrath of the harshest pokemon fanfic rating system on the earth...

@ Pokemon Lento Legions (ch. 10)

-I assume that you followed the advices from the last review, and ch. 10 is the polished product... so only ch. 10 is reviewed. Plus, there's enough to say anyway...

If you're planning on a scriptfic (which is almost digging yourself a new grave, as 50% of all scriptfics are close to unreadable, 30% are anime-wannabe-but-even-worst-and-as-if-the-anime-is-decent-to-begin-with, and 10% that's just silly. Only 10% are actually good fanfics to read... with such odds against you, be warned...) at least use the proper format to convey your ideas...

For example, no summary/prequel/plot description type of thing should exist in author's note. Why would anyone want to keep reading if they found out what is happening in the author's note already?

Don't mix in stage direction with the setting... the two are different O.o;

-"gang" is by no way a proper noun and does not need to be capitalized

and Ash and his friends
Click to expand...
Unless it is a specialized clause or if the author chooses to do so deliberately in order to emphasize panic or never-ending-speeches, there is almost no way that you should use the same word almost side by side (note: side by side is an example of one of those specialized clause) from each other. The 2 ands in this sentence needs to go. Rework the sentence and fix its syntax to avoid this problem of diction.

Sarah:(scared) You guy?s, I?m very scared!
Click to expand...
The 2 terms of scared are redundant. Use another word instead of repeating scared, or maybe just take out this entire line...

-most preferably, stage direction should be italicized or in square brackets, not just the normal brackets as they convey character emotions.

-brackets and character description should not be used excessively. Scripts often rely on solely the tone and the diction of speech to convey the character's moods and feelings. This is one of the major reasons why scriptfic is so much harder to write. Really... I can just read a dictionary if I'm to get nothing more but random lines in this format:
<character> : (adjective or adverb) inconclusive line here
Click to expand...

-"title theme" is such an anime thing... which you should stay MILES away from

-if the setting didn't change, why mention the setting/scene again as if we're in a new setting? =o

Sarah:(thinking up an excuse) Uh? Uh? Boy, there?s
Click to expand...
Again, you're repeating yourself... the "thinking up an excuse" is not a proper thing to insert into a normal bracket to begin with (as it's not an adjective or an adverb). On top of that, the tone of the "uh..."s already told your reader about it.

-agreeing to, not agreeing too. Watch out for these loopholes from your spell check.

-scripts cannot use so much "narrator talk" as if it's a narrative fanfic and talk about physical description like that... absolutely *everything* has to be done by what a character says or stage direction

-another thing about Pokemon creation... really do try with intense effort at the name of a new Pokemon. If the root word is used already (ex: Sparrow, Spearow, Sparry) then it's probably best to think more about it. As if the name isn't close enough to Spearow already, these Sparrys just have to attack in groups as if it's the first Pokemon Episode re-run with a new name.

-if all the characters seem to have the same personality (especially if it's the "perfect" personality), the story gets dull *very* fast... avoid this like plague as the Pokemon anime got this too

-don't try to give visual aids like a Pokemon is using an attack in those ugly brackets again... like I said before, scriptfic relies on conversations to almost do all of its job. Stage direction does exist, but these are *minimal* amount of actions done by the character.

For starters, pretend that you're writing a story to be broadcasted on radio... where your audience know absolutely nothing besides from what the characters are saying. Essentially, that is the key element to a scriptfic.

Good Points
-err... I'm not sure if any fanfic that's an exact replica of the Pokemon anime's filler episodes can have any possible good points actually o.o;

Focuses to Work On
-learning the basics to script writing *MAJOR*
-diction redundancy
-character development

Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characterization: 8/20
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Tone/Structure: 5/20
Diction: 5/20
Effort/Originality: 12/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0

Total: 47

No I really don't hesistate at giving out certain marks. ^^
 
Uh, excessive use of bold/italics? Well, the other thing I could have done was change the font, for example to Times/Arial for those things... but it's basically the same effect. The bold and italics were just for a change of scene, and I feel that it IS necessary to change font style for a change of scene.

Run-on sentences are also for a particular feel.

I suppose I didn't have to force a Pok?fic, but realistically I wanted to only because Other Writing gets no action, hence no reviews... then again, this is the only review I got in here too XD ^^

*taunts Lily for fun* Thanks, Frosty... dear.
 
.........

*throws a rock at JA*

On another note: I *would* post my fic, since it fared well elsewhere. Eh...when I think it's bad, it's good, When I think it's good, it's bad.

=o?
 
Jedi_Amara said:
Uh, excessive use of bold/italics? Well, the other thing I could have done was change the font, for example to Times/Arial for those things... but it's basically the same effect. The bold and italics were just for a change of scene, and I feel that it IS necessary to change font style for a change of scene.

Run-on sentences are also for a particular feel.

I suppose I didn't have to force a Pok?fic, but realistically I wanted to only because Other Writing gets no action, hence no reviews... then again, this is the only review I got in here too XD ^^

*taunts Lily for fun* Thanks, Frosty... dear.
Click to expand...

it's just that some part don't even need to be bolded/italic/other font... they can just go on as normal font O.o; As for the run-on, yes indeed I know that it's for a particular feel. But if you're going to make it a run-on, then don't bother trying to use conjunctions (words are are suppose to stop a sentence being a run-on)... really it's contradicting yourself then.
 
frostweaver said:
Last time I didn't bother to write the full review... but this time, prepare to face the true wrath of the harshest pokemon fanfic rating system on the earth...

@ Pokemon Lento Legions (ch. 10)

-I assume that you followed the advices from the last review, and ch. 10 is the polished product... so only ch. 10 is reviewed. Plus, there's enough to say anyway...

If you're planning on a scriptfic (which is almost digging yourself a new grave, as 50% of all scriptfics are close to unreadable, 30% are anime-wannabe-but-even-worst-and-as-if-the-anime-is-decent-to-begin-with, and 10% that's just silly. Only 10% are actually good fanfics to read... with such odds against you, be warned...) at least use the proper format to convey your ideas...

For example, no summary/prequel/plot description type of thing should exist in author's note. Why would anyone want to keep reading if they found out what is happening in the author's note already?

Don't mix in stage direction with the setting... the two are different O.o;

-"gang" is by no way a proper noun and does not need to be capitalized

Unless it is a specialized clause or if the author chooses to do so deliberately in order to emphasize panic or never-ending-speeches, there is almost no way that you should use the same word almost side by side (note: side by side is an example of one of those specialized clause) from each other. The 2 ands in this sentence needs to go. Rework the sentence and fix its syntax to avoid this problem of diction.

The 2 terms of scared are redundant. Use another word instead of repeating scared, or maybe just take out this entire line...

-most preferably, stage direction should be italicized or in square brackets, not just the normal brackets as they convey character emotions.

-brackets and character description should not be used excessively. Scripts often rely on solely the tone and the diction of speech to convey the character's moods and feelings. This is one of the major reasons why scriptfic is so much harder to write. Really... I can just read a dictionary if I'm to get nothing more but random lines in this format:


-"title theme" is such an anime thing... which you should stay MILES away from

-if the setting didn't change, why mention the setting/scene again as if we're in a new setting? =o

Again, you're repeating yourself... the "thinking up an excuse" is not a proper thing to insert into a normal bracket to begin with (as it's not an adjective or an adverb). On top of that, the tone of the "uh..."s already told your reader about it.

-agreeing to, not agreeing too. Watch out for these loopholes from your spell check.

-scripts cannot use so much "narrator talk" as if it's a narrative fanfic and talk about physical description like that... absolutely *everything* has to be done by what a character says or stage direction

-another thing about Pokemon creation... really do try with intense effort at the name of a new Pokemon. If the root word is used already (ex: Sparrow, Spearow, Sparry) then it's probably best to think more about it. As if the name isn't close enough to Spearow already, these Sparrys just have to attack in groups as if it's the first Pokemon Episode re-run with a new name.

-if all the characters seem to have the same personality (especially if it's the "perfect" personality), the story gets dull *very* fast... avoid this like plague as the Pokemon anime got this too

-don't try to give visual aids like a Pokemon is using an attack in those ugly brackets again... like I said before, scriptfic relies on conversations to almost do all of its job. Stage direction does exist, but these are *minimal* amount of actions done by the character.

For starters, pretend that you're writing a story to be broadcasted on radio... where your audience know absolutely nothing besides from what the characters are saying. Essentially, that is the key element to a scriptfic.

Good Points
-err... I'm not sure if any fanfic that's an exact replica of the Pokemon anime's filler episodes can have any possible good points actually o.o;

Focuses to Work On
-learning the basics to script writing *MAJOR*
-diction redundancy
-character development

Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characterization: 8/20
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Tone/Structure: 5/20
Diction: 5/20
Effort/Originality: 12/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0

Total: 47

No I really don't hesistate at giving out certain marks. ^^
Click to expand...

I don't mind that it's so wickedly harsh, I want to write a good fanfic that everybody'll love! :D

The sad news is that I already wrote up to chapter 14 of Pokemon: Lento Legends without the new edits, so Pokemon: Lento Legends may be delayed after Chapter 13. Expect those edits from Chapter 14 onward...
 
@ Pocket Monsters Chronicles (ch. 3 and 4)

-setting really talks about the present only... but this isn't a big deal

-minor punctuation mistakes... dashes and commas are mixed around at times... meh

-Now some minor things about diction here and there... there are things which sound rather awkward and not as elegant as they possibly can be. For example...
A foot wearing a sneaker steps on the ground, along with 4 small, furry legs.
Click to expand...
It really can be reworked and its syntax fixed a bit... can't think of anything at the moment but it definitely doesn't sound too great at the moment.

-watch out if you're clear on what is the pronoun referring to in a sentence... usually we just avoid pronouns if we're ever using anything in the format of "____ and _____" as the subject of a sentence

-hmm I don't know... but I never see too much use for all those "sticks out index finger" stage direction yet they usually disturb the flow of an ongoing dialogue O.o;

-the Airmudo tear scene is... weird? I didn't understand that at all... not like it's significant, nor did it make much sense... clarify?

*note: slow flow of this story can possibly bore some readers... not like this is a mistake, but if you want to get a larger audience base... consider that.

Good Points
-an actual scriptfic that's actually written in proper form! (is that possible...?)
-a well done scriptfic that also contains anime elements
-great visual effect provided for the reader

Focuses to Improve On
-punctuation (mostly the comma when the dash should be used)
-possible rework with syntax and diction
-clarity/pronoun

Grammar Basics: 9/10
Characterization: 19/20
Coherence/Readability: 10/10
Tone/Structure: 17/20
Diction: 19/20
Effort/Originality: 20/20
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (foreshadow)

Total: 97 {STANDARD OF EXCELLENCE}

Congratulations! ^_^

(note: Even though there are the high marks, this fanfic definitely won't please all the readers out there... readers who are not appealed of a slow-paced story that want to get a strong foundation before the mainstream plot starts may not like this story a lot. But those who enjoyed the Pokemon Special manga will definitely have a great time with this piece of work. Pokemon Special got the exact same style and setup as this scriptfic.)
 
ALRIGHT!!! I made standard of excellence ^_^. And what's more, I tied with Lily's "A Light Kiss" as the highest rated fic ever. A shame you don't mention that little detail in your sig, though.

About the "Airmudo tear scene", I don't know the best way to describe this, but you know that anime facial expression where the character's eyes are closed -.- and tears stream down them in an obviously unserious fashion? Kinda like T.T except the |'s aren't so straight, but more like ~. That's the reaction for Airmudo I was looking for when that chicada got away.

And I realize the story's going at a slow pace, I mean, ten chapters and Hiro isn't even on a journey yet. But as stated before, I really go for an anime fashion here, and most anime don't just immediately "rush into the good stuff", so to speak. They take their time to develop characters, have events occur so that they make sense, etc. Mind you, I do realize there can be too much of a good thing, but I don't think I crossed that line yet.

Besides, have you ever looked at my old version? You want me to point you towards it so you can check it out for yourself? In the old version, I was pretty d*mn anxious to get to all the good action scenes and somewhat faithfully adapting the script my brother had for the first three chapters just to be lazy (he also rushed things), and what do I end up with? Several characters, including Hiro, seemed without much personality (Kiryuu, who was my own creation and not my brother's, was, and probably still is in the revision, the deepest, most-developed character throughout the series), pretty lousy plot devices, I constantly made quotes and scenes that even I felt didn't work well but went with them anyway because they seemed like the best thing I could pull out of my a** right then and there, I could go on all day. As you can see, I really want to avoid rushing things now.

Besides, even though it's slowly paced, I think I still managed to get in a few things that'd grab the reader's interests. For example, I managed to introduce Kiryuu with his a**-kicking abilities in full glory as opposed to demonstrating his fighting skills later on (in the old version, his first appearance was pretty pathetic). I'm sure several readers will be anxious for his next appearance. Also, as seen in the recent chapter, I'm bringing up that something is strange and unique about Hiro's Eievui rather early on as well (in the old version, nothing was brought up about it until Hiro reached the Union Cave). Over on Serebii, I've gotten quite a few comments from people on that, saying they can't wait to find out and such. So yeah, I got people hooked, that's what matters. If there're some people who don't like a story that paces itself, screw them, I've already got a fanbase that does like such stories. And sure, I'd like to increase my fanbase as much as the next person, but trying to attract people who don't like slower-paced stories is like getting a graphic-whore to play the original Super Mario Bros.

And I couldn't say I'm the best person at finding the right words, and when it comes to scene description, I don't think too much on how it sounds. I figure so long as the visuals can be properly gotten through to the reader, it's all that matters. Besides, as a script, probably the most important parts of it is character dialogue. I think a badly worded, though nicely-detailed, description can be pictured in the head just as effectively as a well-worded and nicely-detailed description. But when it comes to characters speaking, that's a whole different story because the reader actually pictures someone speaking those words, so I'd prefer keeping those in check more than description.
 
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Yamato-san said:
ALRIGHT!!! I made standard of excellence ^_^. And what's more, I tied with Lily's "A Light Kiss" as the highest rated fic ever. A shame you don't mention that little detail in your sig, though.
Click to expand...

. . .

*pride- falling rapidly*

I made a new rival! XD
 
*whacks Lily with a frying pan*

Actually, the font did need to change. Those sections with different fonts were either lines from a nursery rhyme - so needed distinction from the main story - or events that occurred about 40 years previously. Meh. XD :P
 
Hi. Just want you guys to know that my first chapter of my first fanfic is posted. Past in Pieces is its name. I really don't expect a good review, however as it's my first one.

...

And no, this is not my Christmas Contest fanfic, frostweaver.
 
Jedi_Amara said:
*whacks Lily with a frying pan*

Actually, the font did need to change. Those sections with different fonts were either lines from a nursery rhyme - so needed distinction from the main story - or events that occurred about 40 years previously. Meh. XD :P
Click to expand...

Dare hit Lily again and I'm NEVER going to review for you again ;o;

The rhyme of course needed the italic, but the old events of the teacher in the past doesn't need the bold imho... the fact that the POV and the character changes is definitely enough. Plus, you're trying to draw the 2 events to be parallel (well not exactly parallel... more like related) so why bother to seperate them apart when you're trying to show the 2 different events' similiarities?

And dgle, I really won't bother to read fanfics now unless I got a PM... I got enough to read that way XD (and how DARE you misquote me and bend my words out of context about Lento Legions... lol)

As for Yamato-san, no I don't rank the 90+ stories according to their mark... in my opinion, scoring anything of 90 and above is already a good sign that the fanfic is a good read (but not gurantee to be everyone's taste. There are stories in there that I don't really like myself, but just that they're flawless and possibly someone else out there will enjoy it. Shouldn't deduct marks because I don't like it, hmm?)
 
lol, frostweaver. I... Hey! what's wrong with this?!

frostweaver said:
And dgle, I really won't bother to read fanfics now unless I got a PM... I got enough to read that way XD (and how DARE you misquote me and bend my words out of context about Lento Legions... lol)
Click to expand...

It's dqle, for cryin' out loud, not dgle! You did the same thing back at the christmas thing!!!
And I don't quite recall quoting about Lento Legends (you're slipping!) and especially re-quoting you, frostweaver. I may be older, but you have far more authority in the fanfics, so I know not to tick certain people off. Besides, you're in AP english and I'm just in Honors.

Anyways, thanks. I didn't know you would only take PM's now. I'll keep that in mind!
 
Now who said that I'm in AP English... I'm in English regular (and not in US so I don't have the choice of English Honors or not). And I thought that my siggy is clear enough about the PM thing ^^;

Oh and q/g all the same... ><; =D;; Lol ^o^ And you don't *have* to quote in order to bend words out of context anyway... but either way, gurantee no reviews until Wednesday because I got 3 unit exams coming up in a row (one each day so joy... x_x)
 
frostweaver said:
And you don't *have* to quote in order to bend words out of context anyway...
Click to expand...
??? I did that?

I'm not trying to rush you! In fact, please, take your time. Unless of course you really want to hurry up and kill all dignity that I have left. (Dignity? What's that?) Still, maybe I should write more before you read it. It's a little short currently...

Hmm.... 3 exams... That really sounds like AP course equivilants to me! (Assuming that those exams aren't the finals or midterms and such...)

*Didn't you mention you were in AP English in the Christmas Contest Thread?
 
Haha, Frosty has exams :P

LilyPichu said:
*throws a rock at JA*
Click to expand...

See? SHE started it. XD I whacked her in self-defence! Right Lileh?
 
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