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Fanfiction Lounge

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Yay! I'm finally next! ... (Frosty's probably gonna give me a low grade anyways... ._.)
*is writing his next fic*
 
*is writing 3 fics at the moment*

Yes, Niko, I do have to upstage you all the time XD :P. Sorry XD. Don't worry, Frosty's not going to give you a bad review. If he does, I'll whack him with a frying pan... or with Lily :P
 
I'm trying to write something as good as Valentine's Day...
That's why I'm taking my time on this, reading and rereading every paragraph as I type...
 
You all may or may not have read my one shot fic, "Into The Mud". I've had several requests for a sequel to it, and I was working on it when I came across a dilema. A big part of "Mud's" impact was the unfinality of it. Suggestions or thoughts?
 
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I have an idea for a good fan fic. If I make it, the first it's going is on the Haruka-Chan fan club, then I'll probably put it on here. Maybe in a few weeks/months though.
 
If you guys wouldn't mind, I would huggle you to death if you read and review my new one-shot "Of Sticks and Stones". I think it's rather crappy (of course) and there's probably countless misplaced modifiers not to mention the fact that the entire plot is a tad . . . woo, but ja. You guys are one of the best forum reviewers I've seen ever so I'd really appreciate it.

But if not ('cuz you're lazy! >=P j/k), that's alrighty. ^^

And btw, would anyone know how many sentence types there are? I know there's more than nine (or not) but . . . meh.
 
@ The Tree Across the Meadow

-now the setting starts off with talking about the sun and the sky, then moving on to talk about the field... but why go back to the sky and the clouds again? Rearrange the order of the setting so that you're more consistent. That paragraph is also a bit wordy too...

-actually this fanfic seems to dweel upon wordiness... for example
We would just be talking to each other like we would normally do
Click to expand...
How about just "Like every other day, we were talking to each other."? It's easier to understand, and it cut down a few repeated, useless terms as well. Watch out for this, as romance fanfic relies on diction a lot... so be as clear and concise as you possibly can be.

-"today" when the rest of the story is past tense...? Watch out for the inconsistency in tense.

-the whole scene with Green trying to get Yellow to let her hair down didn't contribute to the story at all... o.o; if a scene doesn't contribute to the story, it's a clear signal that it needs to be edited

Then we caught sight of that tree
Click to expand...
now we had been introduced to that tree already, but it is most suitable if the tree is introduced here instead when it enters the plot... so the readers won't cast the tree aside along with the clouds and the grass as just a metaphoric language for "a perfect day."

-a sentence emphasizes the last word in the sentence 90% of the time, so always try to place the key terms last in a sentence. "It was just a single tree out there..." therefore should be changed so that the word "tree" is placed last.

-avoid using 2 "and"s as a conjunction like plague

-knee-deep not knee-length

-mentioning oxygen is a terrible mood killer ;o; avoid scientific terms unless you're trying to create that feel

-now you have a guy with brown hair, a girl with blonde hair, and in a cute scenery they kissed... "oookay." The kiss just happened because "it did," according to the story. Pokemon Special never *vividly* explained or shown evidence that Yellow and Green are in love (you can argue it, but it never told us in black ink on paper), so you can't assume that they're in love already. Your fanfic must develop both of their characters to show support of this. You don't have to have chapters after chapters to develop the characters. Even the smallest hint in tone or body language will do, as long as they appear frequently enough, which is what this fanfic lacks (there are some but far from enough) and is the major downfall for this fanfic.

Good Points
-clear, vivid imagery
-simple and precise in plot
-a suitable overall atmosphere of a heart warming fanfic

Focuses to Improve On
-characterization
-diction
-sentence organization and wordiness
-tenses (minor)

Grammar Basics: 9/10
Characterization: 12/20
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Tone/Structure: 15/20
Diction: 17/20
Effort/Originality: 16/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0

Total: 78
 
Yay Frosty reviewed my story! XD

the whole scene with Green trying to get Yellow to let her hair down didn't contribute to the story at all... o.o; if a scene doesn't contribute to the story, it's a clear signal that it needs to be edited
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THOU SHALT NOT MAKE ME CHANGE REAL LIFE INSPIRED EVENTS!!! ;o;

-now you have a guy with brown hair, a girl with blonde hair, and in a cute scenery they kissed... "oookay." The kiss just happened because "it did," according to the story. Pokemon Special never *vividly* explained or shown evidence that Yellow and Green are in love (you can argue it, but it never told us in black ink on paper), so you can't assume that they're in love already. Your fanfic must develop both of their characters to show support of this. You don't have to have chapters after chapters to develop the characters. Even the smallest hint in tone or body language will do, as long as they appear frequently enough, which is what this fanfic lacks (there are some but far from enough) and is the major downfall for this fanfic.
Click to expand...
Okay, that is an error I didn't really intend...XD I forgot to say much about the background on how they would like each other already...but yeah...I'll edit it somehow sooner or later...>.>;; It is a fanfiction afterall, Frosty...XD So you can expect me to become really wild and be a Feelingshipper...XD
 
And all those pokeshippers of Ash+Misty (ewww!!!) out there also obeys the rule of the game by providing supporting evidences to them being in love as well ;p

Don't necessarily have to change real life inspired events. Just have to mend it in the proper slot so it contributes... or simply adding a few sentences without changing the event itself is very sufficient in making that part "meaningful."
 
If people want reviews, in general I'll review oneshots but chapter fics are too long for me to bother reviewing at the moment... maybe sometime later ^^
 
When is dark fic ever "too different" O.o; ever since Pokemon MASTER started the entire trend, it became one of the most welcomed type of Pokemon fanfiction... Your thread is made only 1 day ago and by PC's standard in fanfic, it's quite a new thread actually ^^;

And also, part of a "welcomed story" (*not necessarily good, just welcomed... and a good story doesn't have to be welcomed) is to know when is the proper time to update and all... ^^
 
I need a test reader for a .hack one shot of mine. Any volunteers? Someone familiar with the .hack//sign series is preferable.
 
I've read .hack the manga, not signs, but I know the general idea of it.

o.o Not sure if that'll help though.
 
... oops, I forgot to mention that chapter 5 is up in 'Destiny of Understanding' yesterday, hope everyone enjoys it, since it is the fan fic of the week.
 
LilyPichu said:
I've read .hack the manga, not signs, but I know the general idea of it.

o.o Not sure if that'll help though.
Click to expand...

Are you familiar with the character Helba? I should have specified that I need someone familiar with Helba.
 
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